Gay poly


So, my partner and I started being in an open relationship about 6 months ago. This started as strictly sex, together, with other people. What we found though was that although we enjoyed sex with other people together, we wanted to do more than open the bedroom doors with some of these guys. We wanted to open our hearts and home.

Now we are kind of stuck at an impasse. We don’t know how to transition from just fun or FWB to a poly situation. Not only that, but finding guys that are into both of us is hard to do. We have different body shapes, and either people are attracted to me or attracted to him. We live in a small community, and finding people that know what poly is let alone gay and interested seems impossible.

I’ve offered that maybe we each have a boyfriend, but he isn’t open to that. I also checked OK Cupid, and most people are far away. Are there other resources or tools we can use that may be more tailored to gay couples seeking a third partner?

Being gay and poly does NOT make finding a unicorn easier. You might think, "But we’re all dudes and we like the D and we’ve dealt with the same bigotry and stuff!" But alas, finding someone who is attracted to both you and your partner AND to whom both you and your partner are attacted in a romantic way will be hard. Your partner is probably your opposite in a lot of ways. (Meaning that people who are attracted to you may not be attracted to your partner). Further, you’re probably into guys similar to your partner. But what is your partner into?

You may also find that your kinks and sexual interests differ from your parter’s in ways you don’t expect. For example, my boyfriend is also my pup/sub and we can get pretty intense during sex. This is a dynamic that would never work with my husband and that, frankly, I didn’t realize I wanted until I met my boyfriend.

After 6 years in a gay polyamorous relationship, my advice would be not to plan on having a triad. You might find a unicorn, but more likely you won’t. On the other hand, separate boyfriends aren’t so scary. It takes a lot of adjusting, but I don’t hear my hubby complaining when my boyfriend cooks him bacon-wrapped scallops.

You’re right, my partner and I are opposite in many ways. Also, our sexual needs are very different at times. Actually, most of the guys I’m into are almost opposite looks-wise from my partner, although behaviors and personalities may be similar. What you described with you and your boyfriend and your partner is probably what would logically work best, but I don’t know if my partner is willing or able to handle that right now.

Do the guys have to be into both of you? It will be much easier to each date on your own than as a couple – you know how hard it is to find one person that you click with, so imagine how low the odds are that you’ll find two people that you get along with and like the same way.

So maybe consider dating individually, rather than mandating that any new partners have to be in a relationship with both of you.

This is honestly what I’ve been trying to get him (my partner) to understand. My partner is insecure, and stated that he will be working on this. This has to do with my own infidelity a while ago (this was as much his fault as mine, which we both acknowledged but doesn’t make it any more "right" or ok.) and I understand this will take time to heal and resolve. However; having said this he is ok with a polyamorous relationship if both of us are involved.

Maybe the situation will evolve to a point where he can be comfortable with dating individually, until then this is where we are at.

I’ve offered that maybe we each have a boyfriend, but he isn’t open to that.

Note: This question doesn’t need to be answered here. But it should be something you know. Understanding why may help you to understand what’s going on. Maybe your boyfriend is insecure. Maybe your boyfriend is jealous, and by dating him too it’s a way of feeling not left out. Maybe your boyfriend is a control freak and this is way of controlling everything. Maybe that’s just not his thing.

You’re exactly right. We both like control of a situation, and this is his way of maintaining control of the situation. I just replied to another response, but he has acknowledged that this is due to his own insecurities, which he will be working on.

I’m a bi dude who would love to date a gay couple! I was looking for just that a while ago.

Most of the poly friendly sites don’t have many gay couples at all 🙁

I think you should try to take a long term view on it. Relationships start as dating or existing friendships, and then later it becomes more. You can’t really skip that step and I think that’s where couples get lost.

Honestly, this is still pretty close to being unicorn hunter. My partner and I are gay and poly, but we have similar builds and are also open to non-triad relationship structures.

You sound exactly like me two years ago, 6 months into opening a gay relationship. I don’t want to pile on, but have to concur with the other commenters: it’s no easier for a gay couple to find a unicorn than for a bi heterosexual couple to do so. And this is speaking as someone living in a place with a huge gay community. You mention body shapes and attraction: you’ve seen how mismatches there can be a barrier just for hooking up. But once you start talking poly, you’re talking emotional and personality compatibility over a long period of time! A new person is always going to ‘click’ with one of you moreso than the other. Always. So you have to decide how you are going to deal with that inequality.

You (and your partner) should read this and talk about it: So Someone Called You A Unicorn Hunter

I will say that my husband and I have had some success finding third partners who are roughly equally interested in both of us, but mostly only as FWBs. We also have one ‘boyfriend’ that we kept dating after a quad with us, him and his husband didn’t work out (his husband dumped us, basically). We’re very close to him, but the subtext that he was initially way closer to me than to my husband lingers and causes some insecurities even almost two years later.

Dating separately is scary, but if you communicate and are honest about what is going on, I think it is actually less stressful than trying to control and micromanage a triad into perfect equality.

Thanks so much for this link! I’ve read it and plan on reading it again. I really appreciate the time and understanding you provided! I’ve shared this with my husband, and I think this will help us quite a bit.

Are there other resources or tools we can use that may be more tailored to gay couples seeking a third partner?

Yes! I recommend ABF’s U-Pack service. Find a good city and move there.

Gay life at cal poly slo?

hello! I’m a gay student who recently got admitted to SLO as a freshman.

I was wondering what the gay scene is like at this school? is there a visible gay population with a strong support system and opportunities to meet other gay men? it’s definitely one of my deciding factors as I’m tired of going to a school with very little gay visibility and a very small gay population.

I’ve made a few lgbtq+ friends here, we kinda just do our own thing. We do have a pride center here but idk how it is, I haven’t gone. But, as a two-time orientation leader, I can tell you that everyone working with freshman orientation or housing will be super supportive, they’ll introduce themselves with their pronouns, etc. and give you the opportunity to do the same. I think there are a few clubs that set up lgbtq+ support on campus too, and one of them set up a Disneyland gay days trip recently.

As for the campus climate, in my experience, it’s just as chill towards lgbtq+ as it is towards everything else (just disregard some of the frats). Cal Poly’s a pretty chill school for the most part, so people just let others do their own thing. Idk how your opportunities to meet other gay men will be though, I haven’t looked. But if there’s anything else you want to know I’ll do my best to answer, feel free to dm me if you have any questions

I have two very close gay friends and they all have complained about how there is very little opportunity as gay men here. There are plenty of reasons to go to cal poly but coming to SLO for the gay scene would only be a choice if youre looking for a gay scene that isn’t really prevalent.

Gay guy here. Honestly the best luck I’ve had in meeting gay friends was through Tinder and Grindr. The pride center/gay clubs are great resources to meet other lgbt students but it’s highly political and cliquey which was something I personally was trying to move away from following high school. I was pretty similar to you, in that lgbt life was a big deciding factor for me, so cal poly definitely made me nervous. I have had minimal/no negative reactions to my sexuality and have honestly learned how to enjoy an identity that doesn’t revolve entirely around my sexuality.

The pride center is apparently garbage if you’re trans too, which sucks. They have a big TERF invasion in there, it’s gross af

there’s a pride center on campus and a few clubs (QTPOC, QSU, etc.). There’s a lot of people at Cal Poly doing their own things so, in terms of acceptance, there’s nothing to worry about.

I will say, however, that because there are so many people it might be easy to fall into the background. I’m in no way telling you that you won’t meet people who identify the same as you, but the gay population is pretty small here.

There are many clubs on campus that are for LGBTQ students but I don’t personally find any of them appealing; as a result, it has been very difficult for me to find that specific community at SLO. However, I have found other communities that have accepted my identity which makes up for it in a sense.

Your best bet meeting gay men? Download Grindr and Bumble.

I have a dear friend close to me who works at the pride center on campus! He has made such life long friends because of his involvement there.

He says the center is an amazing way to meet people. He just transferred to the college and had the same reservations you have. He also works at QPOC (queer people of color) center on campus.

Honestly, after listening to him and his coworkers/friends, initially the scene is very lowkey and hard to discover. If you check out clubs and centers offered it really helps open doors to new friendships and relationship as he would put it!

One downside is that cal poly is very Aggy (agricultural science fields…) which seems to lean toward republican/conservative. There was a black face incident here and a native American cultural appropriation problem, both were at Greek events. The downtown scene he told me is more often a miss than a hit when it comes to going to bars and meeting people. I was with him one night and he found a cutie to dance with, they were kissing at one point and after we called it a night, him and the person he met felt people staring at them (being two men kissing). I have a feeling if you want a bigger scene then going somewhere more metropolitan or liberal would be best. Like SF, LA, Berkeley, Santa Cruz, Sonoma, etc.

I see a lot of gay people on campus and there’s a lot of clubs and the like dedicated to LGBT stuff, but I personally haven’t used any of those resources. Dunno if people use them as a chance to meet people socially/romantically or a chance to get some solidarity or as serious activism or what. They are here though.

Gay poly gurguit for the win.

Good meme, as a Gurguit player. I give upvote. Kindly take it good sir.

Gurguit is gonna come out in a week or so here in Italy. So excited!

A redhead, a blue hair, and a lighter blue hair. It’s going to be one of those days for me.

Positive poly representation in MY Vanguard sub? It’s more likely than you think!

There’s a running joke in my local that 100% of Vanguard players are somewhere in the LGBT spectrum; if you’re not, you will be once you start playing.

Yo im kinda new to this game so don’t flame but what are some staples of the gurguit deck

With the current Gurguit deck. Main staples are Gurguit, Percival, Aglovale, Wonder Ezel, Perrimore/Berengaria, Gorboduc, Jeffery and of course, your one and only Dindrane.

Hey, I don’t play gold, so can’t help out too much, but you could try searching up on youtube and comparing deck builds for starters.

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Polyamorous, pansexual, and proud: why i’m ‘so out and outspoken’

Actress and writer Gaby Dunn breaks down her identity, and opens up about the judgement she faces.

A few months ago, I went to “gay brunch” with some lesbian friends in West Hollywood. I wore a little pink sundress, my hair down and curled. A couple of hours later, I left my friends at The Abbey (a gay bar in L.A.), to meet my boyfriend. After dinner, he and I texted my friends, wanting to meet up again. In between the two events, I’d changed clothes, and now I was wearing shorts, a backwards snap-back hat, a flannel, and sneakers.

“How is it you left gay brunch this morning looking so straight, and came back with a guy, looking so gay?” one of my friends asked upon seeing each other for the second time that day.

Her question, though obviously a joke, stung in a very specific way.

Not Gay Enough, Not Straight EnoughI am open to dating across the gender spectrum, including trans people, agender people, etc., so apparently, though I’ve identified as “bisexual” for most of my life, I am actually “pansexual.” (Thank you, Internet, for helping me learn a new word.) 

I use either label interchangeably. Some people believe “bi” implies a gender binary and that “pan” is more inclusive, but I’m not convinced. I’ve been “bi” in my own head for about 12 years so changing the label seems complicated now.

Bi or pan aside, I also prefer polyamorous relationships. For me, polyamory means I have a primary partner who is my priority and then other partners depending on if I like someone and they like me. Sometimes that third person is also sleeping with my primary partner. Sometimes they are not. Sometimes my partner has someone else they’re seeing. Sometimes they don’t. It’s an open relationship, and coincidentally, because I am pansexual, it is sometimes with a man, but most often with women.

“For me, polyamory means I have a primary partner who is my priority and then other partners depending on if I like someone and they like me.”

I have had a boyfriend for a little over a year now. He is cis and straight—which means when the doctors assigned him male at birth, they were 100 percent correct. Because of how I lived my life before I met him, almost all of my close friends are women, and almost all of those women are queer-identified. When I had girlfriends, I could bring them into my friend group seamlessly (a little too seamlessly, actually. It’s hard to have “girls night” when your girlfriend wants to come with). But now I’ve got this kind, sweet, smart dude around. I still date within our gay community, but I come with a boy-shaped anchor. Most of my friends have become friends of his, too. However, some have dropped off, confused as to why “all the lesbians around here fuck men.”

“I still date within our gay community, but now I come with a boy-shaped anchor.”

Just this weekend, a friend said, "Isn’t it great we’re all gay?" And then looked at me and said, "kind of." It hurt. It hurt because it’s the erasure of the very real fluidity of sexuality that a lot of queer people experience. It makes me feel like my relationships aren’t valid or meaningful, or that I’ve offended "my people" by falling in love with a straight guy. It makes me feel as if who I am doesn’t matter—just who I am sleeping with that night. 

The Real Difference Between the Two This confusion over my identity doesn’t just happen with my friends. It also happens in little and big moments all throughout my daily life, when people look me up and down (and look at the person I am with) and decide to treat me accordingly. 

So when I am dating a guy, my life as a "straight girl" is pretty, well, straight. My boyfriends’ families judge me on my merits and not on their opinions of homosexuality. The waiter at the restaurant hands him the check. I’m invited to cupcake parties and double dates with my straight girlfriends and their boyfriends. My boyfriend and I are smiled at by old people on the street while holding hands, and I get chairs pulled out and doors opened for me. I’m assumed to be a “normal" girl. 

Life is a lot different when people assume I’m a lesbian. As a lesbian I’m invited to LGBT night at the local university or the gay bowling league. My bond with other women is strong and warm and they trust me. I am interviewed for gay publications, and I am also catcalled while trying to kiss my girlfriend on the sidewalk. We’re always nervous walking together at night when a truck of screaming dudes zips by.

My boyfriend is 6’7—we’ve never been approached while kissing in public. Men don’t even shake my hand when they introduce themselves to us for fear of him. With any woman I’ve ever dated, if we’re being cutesy at a bar, we’ve had men approach telling us they enjoyed watching us—as if our relationship was a performance for them.

“Men don’t even shake my hand when they introduce themselves to us for fear of [my boyfriend].”

In the past, when I began a relationship with a man, people often treated me as if I’d been “cured” of my lesbian leanings, like I was absorbed into straightness—my queerness had been solved. But in my current relationship, that couldn’t be more opposite from the truth. In my currently relationship, I am as queer as I want to be. 

Being Out and Being Realistic Once, on my YouTube advice show, a viewer asked how to let potential paramours know your sexuality identity without being too forward. If you look femme, as I apparently do, how can you find other women to date? I said a big help would be for them to make a YouTube show where all they talk about is being bisexual. I was joking, but also it’s true.

Being so out in my writing and videos and in my online presence has helped cut down the awkward conversations about why I have ex-girlfriends and a current boyfriend. If I shout from the rooftops about being queer, people will have to get it, right? I have the luxury of making a video all about my coming out process (I was 12 when I knew, 18 when I first told someone, and older than that before I began being really out about it). It’s a story I’ve told a lot in different mediums, but I wasn’t always brave enough to do so when I was a kid (I went to a religious high school and I remember having regular anxiety attacks where I imagined everyone in the hallway looking at me and knowing I was gay).

Then, a month ago, I sat with an old classmate, an out lesbian herself now, and told the entire YouTube community about those paranoid hallucinations. I could not have predicted that I’d have the confidence to do that when I was a teenager. It’s amazing how much can change over time. 

That said, even though I am extremely Google-able (and so is my sexuality), “coming out” never really ends. My boyfriend’s relatives did some online sleuthing only to sit him down and worriedly ask if he knew his new girlfriend was gay. “I had to explain to them that sexuality is a spectrum,” he complained, embarrassed. “That’s a conversation I never thought I’d have to have.”

“My boyfriend’s relatives did some online sleuthing only to sit him down and worriedly ask if he knew his new girlfriend was gay.”

I felt for him, but also I was happy to be used as an educational tool for people who may have otherwise never confronted the idea of fluid sexuality. It’s 2016! There’s a new Star Wars out! We’ll probably have a female president! I can have had girlfriends at one point and now have a boyfriend and not be a traitor to straights or gays! The world is crazy like that! And isn’t that great?

That’s why it’s important for me to be so out and outspoken. I don’t want to get erased into whoever I’m currently dating, and I want other people to know that pansexuals and bisexuals and queers don’t “go away” when we start dating someone who identifies differently than those we dated before them. That’s the truth—and straight people, gay people, and all the people in between need to accept that. Life will be more fun for everyone when they do.  

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When love and fidelity don’t equal sexual exclusivity

Gay men and other queer people value and practice love in many different ways. Some of us are monogamous, some of us aren’t. Others still fall somewhere in between. Since the turn of the millennium, many of us have been fighting for and practicing equal marriage even as we reserve the right to define marriage differently…

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Below are my favorite sites for polyamorous hookups, poly relationships, and even niche encounters for poly people into kink and cuckolding. Whatever polyamorous arrangement you seek, these poly dating sites are proven in terms of their large, active communities, and the tools needed to connect with local partners ready to meet up. Enjoy!

gay poly documentary stirs heated reactions

By Justin LockwoodFor some gay men the term “polyamory” calls up a host of negative images…. For every Dan Savage — the sex columnist who has long championed “monogamish” relationships for gays and straights alike — there’s a bitter Betty waiting to pooh-pooh unconventional gay, a 29-year-old with a fiancé who’s been involved with triad relationships and even a quad with another couple, has encountered a lot of hostility. “We’ve been accused of damaging the gay rights movement,” he says. “I thought the original point of any civil rights movement was to make sure the group [involved] can make their own choices without having to stand up to other people’s standards.’”Matt, who’s been with his partner for 15 years (the bulk of which have been polyamorous), likens revealing his relationship status to a second coming out. “I had to come out already, but now there’s this new thing that’s not really socially acceptable” potential partners are sometimes resistant to the idea of a polyamorous love affair. Sanjay says he’s had interest from guys who would be down for “a typical cheating situation without knowledge to [my fiancé] Colin, but not if I was being honest and above odd dichotomy could be attributed to the rise of gay marriage and its accompanying push for a more socially acceptable gay face. Justen Michael Bennett-Maccubbin, founder of Polyamorous NYC, declares that “There’s this assimilationist movement, but the truth is there’s a huge portion of the gay community that isn’t just like everyone else.” These men have to deal with shame and suspicion from their fellow gays, as with the triads Justen has met since starting the organization, the only one of its kind in the nation. “I’ve known some that have lasted over a decade,” he reveals. “One has been together for fifteen years. Most triads have to keep a very low profile, though. A lot of people are very close minded; it’s hard to find support for their kind of relationship.”Matt and Sanjay both attend Polyamorous NYC meetings, and the group provides a welcome respite from all the negativity. “Being gay and being poly, it’s so valuable to go someplace where those things are accepted and even celebrated,” Sanjay states. Matt is similarly inspired: “It can be really affirming to know you’re not the only one out there looking for this kind of love.” the whole article (March 20, 2012). (Ads are NSFW.)As a counterpoint to all this, I’ve helped run a literature booth under a "Polyamory!" poster at the Boston Pride Festival for the past several years, and we’ve never had anything but positive reactions from the crowd.[Permalink]Labels: gay

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1. is the granddaddy of polyamory dating sites. They win because they simply have it cornered in terms of having a massive amount of members, all the features such as chat and live video, and an amazing community of open-minded singles and couples looking for fun. Enjoy watching video introductions and live video chat, as Polyamory Date offers these advanced features in addition to member-created interest groups, blogs, and chat rooms. Join now, do a quick search, and see just how many polyamorous people live near you.


This is another site that has been around long enough to build a large community of couples and singles who are ready to play. While isn’t specifically a polyamorous dating site, the fact that they accept couple profiles makes it ideal for couples looking for a third or people wanting to to meet other couples. Like Polyamory Date, Fling accepts nudity and encourages lots of play and flirting among members as they get to know each other.

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If you’re not only looking for polyamorous playmates for dating and relationships, but someone to hop into bed with you and your partner for a threesome, you might want to take a look at This place is aimed at helping couples meet their third, or singles who want to connect with couples.


I give two thumbs up because they are trying to fill a need in the polyamory community. They don’t have all the bells and whistles (or the nudity) of the polyamory dating sites above, but they do have a steadily growing community of poly people who are looking for something more serious. Give this one a shot if you’re seeking local polyamorous relationships, either as a couple or alone.

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5. is arguably the largest kinky dating site in the world. Fetish and BDSM enthusiasts flock to this alternative community to meet like-minded partners who want to explore their kinks. I often recommend this site to kinky polyamorous people not only because it has awesome features like live video chat and groups for specific fetishes and kinks, but because it is one of the few that accepts couples. In fact, accepts all genders and orientations and is an excellent choice for open-minded, sex-positive couples and singles.

No two poly relationships are the same, and some polyamorous people are part of the hotwife lifestyle, or enjoy a cuckolding arrangement with their partner. If cuckold hookups are your flavor and you’d like to meet a hotwife, cuckold, or local bull to play with, consider This dating site is pretty basic but what it lacks in features it makes up for with the fact that all members are on board with cuckold play.

I hope you find the polyamorous relationship or casual poly hookup you desire. My partner and I have been enjoying these polyamory dating sites for years, often connecting with new partners for both threesomes and ongoing relationships. If you are part of an open relationship, or would like to meet someone who shares you polyamorous mindset, take your search online and meet millions of like-minded people and potential partners. Enjoy!

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It’s as predictable as the sunrise– when a discriminated-against group finally gets allowed into the castle, the first thing some of them want to do is pull up the drawbridge against the next discriminated-against group. Look up the history of English vs German vs Irish vs Italian vs Jewish vs Hispanic immigrants, for instance.

Alan, I too am going to man a polyamory booth/table this coming Saturday at "Out-Raleigh", an lgbt festival in downtown Raleigh, NC. I hope our experience is similarly positive as us luck. (But with the anti-marriage amendment on the ballot, I’m sure we’ll get a few dirty looks from people thinking we’re contrary to marriage.) We shall see.

I know this is an old post but I can completely relate to the trio in the video as I am also in a stable, closed three-way relationship with two men. We have not experienced any rejection from any of our gay friends which I find very fortunate and very few of our straight friends have ever seems to have issue or seem uncomfortable around us. The narrator hit the nail right on the head when he mentioned how difficult it is to maintain a polyamorous relationship when even a monogamous relationship can be so tricky. The challenges of establishing the comfort level for everyone involved in polyamorous relationships are challenging to say the very least. The largest hurdle being trust. There was an author, that I unfortunately I’m not able to remember, said "the greatest way to destroy a polyamorous relationship is to keep secrets."

i’m one of the gay men that could never wrap my head around polyamory. to me it is simple, there are already too many people infected with STD’s and it’s hard enough to find one person without STD’s, much less three or more in one relationship. besides that, i believe polyamory invites at least one or more of the partners to participate in on-the-side cheating that again results in more possibilities of all involved to get STD’s. back in the early 80’s, when the words HIV or AIDS were barely even known, i was involved in a polyamorous relationship, but it was very short-lived and jealousy reared it’s ugly head. i just thank God i never got and STD’s out of that situation, as i had the good sense to get out before it went too far.

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I’ve been writing about and reviewing dating sites since 2003. It’s not only my job but also my passion and yes, I am a dating site user myself! I enjoy helping others to navigate the myriad of niche sites out there to find the relationship they’re looking for. Learn more

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