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Three gay black people speak to the BBC about encountering racism in the world of online dating – from feeling fetishised to the impact of colourism.

Earlier this month, dating and hook-up app Grindr said it would remove its "ethnicity filter", following years of criticism from users.

The filter, for use by subscribers to the premium version of the app, allows Grindr users to exclude or sort search results based on reported ethnicity.

However, nearly a month after the announcement the feature is still available and being promoted on the app.

‘growing up, it felt like i was too gay to be black and too black to be gay’

What it’s like coming out as a black man when people see it as a ‘white thing’

I still remember my mum saying that to me. I’d been in my bedroom, talking on the phone to men I’d met online, and some of those chats were pretty sexual. But I was 23 and still living at home, and I had no idea my mum had been listening through the door. I remember feeling so scared in that moment. I realised that I would have to finally tell her the truth – I was gay.

Despite knowing I was gay from the age of 14, it took me almost 10 years to come out. Keeping that part of me secret for so long made me feel so alone. I felt like I was different from everyone else.

My first crush was on someone in my year at the all-boys Catholic school I went to. I first noticed him in the corridor between lessons, where he was mucking about with a group of friends, making them laugh. I liked him straight away. He was tall, mixed-heritage, athletic, and the class joker. He was always happy to talk to me, but never in a romantic way. I don’t think he ever knew how I felt about him. I never told him, of course. I could barely admit it to myself.

My family are originally from Sierra Leone, and I was born and raised in East London. I’m 28 now, and growing up, I didn’t know anyone who was gay, nor were there any black gay role models on TV or in the media. It was like we didn’t exist.

For some West African parents, someone coming out means that they’ve chosen to imitate white westerners, giving up on what they see as traditional African values. This may partly explain why, according to the ONS, only 0.9% of the UK’s black population describe themselves as openly gay, compared to 2% of the total UK population.

So until I was in my early twenties, I buried my feelings and tried my best to pretend to be straight. I went through a period as a teen of praying every night, begging God to make me straight so I would fit in. When my friends used to say things like “that’s so gay” – meaning something was uncool – I’d join in so I wouldn’t stand out.

But by the time I turned 21, I couldn’t suppress my sexuality anymore. I knew pretty much nothing about the gay community, and was eager to learn. So I created a Twitter profile using a fake name and used it to chat to guys online.

It felt like I was living a double life. It was upsetting, but also exhilarating. I started messaging a man and, before long, we were seeing each other. I had my first sexual experience with him and I felt so free when we were together. I would sneak out to meet him on the weekend, and for a brief while I felt totally happy. Then I would come home and stay silent about where I’d been, trying to avoid my mum’s gaze.

After a few months things with that guy fizzled out, but something inside me was different after sleeping with him. My confidence had grown, and I started messaging a few different men. Before long these messages became phone calls, and several of those phone calls got pretty explicit.

I decided that the time was right to tell my sister, who I’ve always been really close to. My sister has a couple of gay friends, so I thought she would be understanding – and I was right.

I was planning to move out of home, as I thought it would be easier to come out to mum once we weren’t living under the same roof. I wanted her to have space to process the news and, to be honest, I wanted to avoid any uncomfortable situations if she didn’t take it well.

But then came mum overhearing the phone calls. By the time this happened I was well on my way to saving enough money to move out. I still have no idea how much she’d heard – but it was clearly enough. She told my nan she’d been listening, who then told me. And then I knew it couldn’t wait any longer, I’d have to tell her the truth.

Her response devastated me. She asked me to “change my lifestyle” – whatever that means. I thought, ‘being gay isn’t something I do, it’s who I am’. Why couldn’t she just accept me for who I am, even though it was something she wasn’t used to? 

I remember looking at her, with tears streaming down my face, as she told me I was “disgusting”. Though my mum and I were never that close, part of me hoped my coming out might bring down some of the walls between us. But the opposite happened – there were more barriers between us than ever before.

We continued to live in the same house for several uncomfortable months. Mum acted like I had never told her I was gay. We barely spoke, except to make polite chit-chat. I knew I had to leave.

Luckily, one of the guys I’d met online was also gay and knew what I was going through. He mentioned there was a spare room in the student house he was about to move into – and I jumped at the chance to take it. I ended up living with four students, three of whom were also gay. For the first time, I felt like people really understood me.

But feeling accepted as a black man in the wider gay community was a different matter for me. Black, gay men are underrepresented in the mainstream, and the impact of that is huge. One 2017 survey found that 71% of black men said they didn’t feel represented or visible in media and health campaigns aimed at LGBTQ+ people.

I’ve felt that, too. There are plenty of other gay, black men in my area – I know that because of how much a dating app I use lights up on any given night – but when I’m out with friends in a club it feels like we’re the only black, gay guys in there and we get a lot of unwelcome attention. It makes me feel really objectified. I can’t tell you how many times non-black men have told me how they’ve “always wanted to have sex with a black guy”. Not only is it racist, but it makes me feel like a piece of meat.

Today, the friends I met online have become like a family to me. I also campaign to raise awareness of sexual health among BAME gay men – who are more likely to be diagnosed with HIV in the UK than other groups.

For the campaign, I made posters of me and another black man – a model – posing as a couple in love, urging men like us to get tested and treated. The response was overwhelmingly positive. Even now, I still get messages on social media from young, black men telling me it helped persuade them go and get tested for STIs.

But there’s still so much narrow-mindedness to break through. People have told me I “don’t look gay”. But what does “gay” look like? When I ask them, they rarely have an answer for me – but I know what they mean. I’m not a stereotypically “camp” white guy, so I can’t possibly be gay, right? That’s why I want to use my voice to challenge these misconceptions.

As for my mum, we still don’t speak. She accepts that she called me disgusting, and that she was shocked when I told her – but apparently she says that, with time, she’s become OK with my sexuality. In any case, I’m comfortable with who I am now – and that’s the most important thing.

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What it’s like for ethnic minorities dating online

Brexit has uncovered a cesspool of racism in the UK.

There have been countless examples of #postrefracism with people being told to ‘go home’ and called racially abusive names. But this racism, and in its lesser form as microaggressions, has always been there in one form or another, especially in the dating world.

I first wrote about my experiences of fetishisation on Tinder as a black mixed-race person just over year ago. Since then, I have removed myself from the app, received many unsolicited Facebook requests from men who had ‘read my article and just wanted to say hey’, and, quite happily, found myself back together with an ex-boyfriend. But while my forays into the online dating world are halted at present, for many the struggles are still ongoing.

Being an ethnic minority in the UK is always going to make you stand out. We constitute a mere 14% of the population overall, with numbers falling as low as 4% in Scotland and Wales.

As a little girl, rather than feeling isolated because of my brownness, often it made me feel unique. When I got older, however, and became one of the last in my friendship group to kiss a boy, I started to realise that there might be something about my race that was making me ‘undesirable’. I have had at least one man inadvertently suggest that I should feel grateful for his interest in me because a lot of the guys he knew didn’t date black women.

The feeling of being passed over because of your race – and intrinsically the stereotypes associated with your race – is not a nice one.

And I’m not alone. According to data from OKCupid, Asian and black men receive fewer messages than white men, while black women receive the fewest messages of all users. Christian Rudder, founder of OKCupid, summarised the findings by saying, "Essentially every race – including other blacks – [gives black women] the cold shoulder."

While there are countless recorded cases of women, and some men, struggling to navigate an online framework which makes it easy for ignorance and cruelty to roam free ( see Elizabeth Webster, who was asked by one potential suitor if he could put a chain around her neck "with a sign saying ‘N***** Slave’"), this experience is also common IRL. 22-year-old black student Yewande Adeniran explains that she has ongoing issues with dating.

"I’ve been exoticised and fetishised, like I’m a new dish to try," says Adeniran. "Unlike the white girls I was friends with growing up, from age 15 I was told by men, both black and white, that they wouldn’t date me because I was too unlike them or because I wasn’t right for them. In my experience, we are masculinised and treated less delicately than white women as well as being hyper-sexualised.

"It’s then hard to know who is genuine and who isn’t. Maybe I’ve been a bit harsh sometimes, but the effects of colourism (discrimination against individuals with a dark skin tone) are real. My own brother only dates people who are lighter than him."

Despite this, Adeniran has had some luck. “There are quite a few ‘woke’ guys who understand, but not enough," she laughs. "I’m kind of seeing someone at the moment and he’s really aware of it, more so since I had a go at him."

For black, gay men the struggle seems amplified. Anthony Lorenzo, 29, calls it a "minefield", made worse by the fact that he’s a minority within a minority. In the UK a recent survey found that 80 per cent of black gay men have experienced racism in the gay community.

"Because racism has few cultural boundaries and is found everywhere, inevitably we come across it on dating sites. Technology makes it easier for people to be rude, racist and dismissive,” says Lorenzo. "The amount of times I’ve been informed that a guy ‘loves black cock‘ as though it was a compliment is astonishing. It’s not a compliment – it’s a reduction of black personhood to a sex object."

Lorenzo says he faces the worst treatment when he declines interest. "That’s when the N-word comes out," he notes. But perhaps unusually, Lorenzo doesn’t mind when a guy puts "no blacks" on his profile – saying that it makes "sorting the wheat from the chaff" far easier.

But there are some interesting ways in which dating racism is being challenged. Fellow journalist Zachary Schwartz, 22, took a step into the world of ‘swirling’, an American term for talking about interracial dating, a few months back. Specifically, he focused on a small but growing movement in the states which is seeing east Asian men and black women (AMBW) forming impromptu dating organisations together; attempting to find love between racial boundaries in a dating world that isn’t always kind to them. In the article, he went as far as to say that he hoped his "own babies are Blasian – the inheritance of these two, rich, under-appreciated cultures would be one of the greatest gifts I could give them".

Catching up with him on the phone from Los Angeles, he tells me that his opinion of AMBW hasn’t changed.

"Growing up as an Asian guy, you start to think certain ways about yourself. It was crazy because I would see all the white skateboarders and all my white friends having first kisses. With me and my Asian friends there was none of that," he says. "The phraseology used when I was growing up was ‘Asian guys don’t get girls’. That was like a trope."

Although Zach says he is aware that fetishisation is something to watch out for in these groups too, he thinks it’s "quite cool to see that there’re enthusiasts about that lifestyle".

"Asian guys have to deal with a lot of bullshit, and from my research and also from having black friends, black women also have to deal with a tonne of bullshit. The way that Asian men are feminised and the way black women are masculinised means we are on completely opposite ends of the spectrum. I think that’s why it fits," he adds.

So while it’s doubtful I’ll be returning to the online dating world any time soon, it’s good to know that more inclusive communities are slowly being created. Hopefully by the time I’m back, things will have really changed and the conversations that we’re having around race in the UK post-Brexit will lead to a positive outcome.

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big black and hungry: a bbc straight to gay bundle kindle edition

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Dear white gay men, please stop fetishizing black men

It’s exhausting enough being a black man in the world we live in and being a black gay man multiples the exhaustion by twofold. Many gay men look to the gay community as a family when their own rejects them, as a community outside the confines of a mainstream heteronormative society that will accept them for who they are. A perfect utopia where everyone is equal without prejudice and discrimination. Sadly it seems that some of the very things we tried to escape from followed us.

Racism, racial fetishization and prejudice is just as rampant in the gay community as it is outside with white gay men being the main perpetrators. Some would argue that it’s a case of over sensitivity, that we’re not happy when we are excluded and we are not happy when we are included. We are happy to be included, just as long as your idea of inclusion isn’t self serving to you or stereotypical / reductive to us. so Dear White Gay Men……

Please don’t reduce us to a PornHub fantasy. Don’t ask about or elude to that fetishistic acronym, BBC ( Big Black Cock ) when speaking to us. We are more than our penis, more than a human dildo, more than a tool made for the pleasures of white gay men. During the days of American slavery white slave owners prized African male slaves that were well endowed for the purpose of providing them with future generations of slaves. In modern times white gay men calling attention to and choosing us based on our sexual assets is another form of perpetuating the narrative that black men are mindless animals made for breeding.

Don’t call us chocolate if you don’t know us. Seriously, don’t compare our skin color to food. We are people not objects.

Please don’t introduce race-play into the bedroom. Race-play is the suspension of political correctness in regards to race as a means of sexual gratification in the name of kink. Your fantasy of playing master and slave, to being raped by a black man, to using racial slurs in sex is just as racist in bed as it is in the outside world. Without living through the realities of race related issues how can you sexualize it. Your kink is undeniably rooted in white supremacy.

Please don’t tell us that you especially love black men or how many black men you’ve dated or slept with in order to prove to us how un-problematic and open minded you are. You don’t come across as either. What you do come across as if seeking us to validate you as a “good person” just for merely deigning to be into us.

NEWSFLASH! Yes black men can be bottoms too despite what you’ve seen in the interracial category online. Putting us down because our sexual role doesn’t correlate with the stereotypical fantasy you have, or pressuring us to top you because it would be a waste to let our BBC go to waste is again reducing us to an object that exists solely for the sexual gratification of a white person. So next time a black gay man tells you he’s a bottom…. DEAL.

Please stop contributing to or condoning conversations that place you as a gay white man in a narrative of being a sexual victim to a black gay man in a consensual situation i.e joking about how big your hole must be after being with a black man, “once you go black you never go back” jokes and slut shaming someone for being with black men. If you’re incapable of that you’re only adding to the stigma of gay interracial dating as well as turning us into an icky sexual anecdote.

The world is already hard enough for us. So White Gay Men please don’t use inclusion as an excuse to fetishize us.

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I’m not gay, i’m an androphile

Nicolas Chinardet doesn’t like the words most people use to describe his sexuality.

“I think ‘homosexual’ is a bit clinical, and lots of people use it negatively,” he says. “‘Gay’ has a certain lifestyle attached to it, which I don’t recognise myself in.”

Nicolas doesn’t relate to what he calls “the clichés you could attach to the ‘gay’ scene". He’s a club photographer, but he says, unless he’s working, “I don’t go clubbing. I don’t like shopping."

So, in the early 2000s, he came up with an alternative term to describe himself as a man who finds other men sexually attractive: ‘androphile’.

“I made it up from my vague knowledge of Greek,” he tells me. “Putting two bits together” – the prefix ‘andro’, meaning man, and ‘phile’, denoting a love for something – “to come up with androphile."

Since then, the word has mutated into a label of choice for some young gay men, often politically right-wing, who identify with a new kind of sexuality.

In 2006, the right-wing polemicist Jack Donovan took the word as the title of his book, which was subtitled, ‘Rejecting the Gay Identity, Reclaiming Masculinity’.

(Donovan, who has become an icon for androphiles around the world, did not respond to a request to participate in this story.)

More recently, as the ‘alt-right’ has become more visible, the term androphile has too.

A generation of young men who are attracted to men – but who eschew the liberal, activist politics they believe are associated with the gay liberation movement – have chosen it to describe themselves.

It’s a label that is used exclusively by men, with no real equivalent for gay, right-wing women.

The term’s reinvigoration may seem puzzling, but it shouldn’t be. After all, the word ‘gay’ was popularised in the 1970s, around seven decades after it was first coined as a less judgemental, less clinical term than ‘homosexual’.

Even that word (homosexual), only came into common use in the late 19th century, when sexologists like Havelock Ellis argued same sex desire was just another sexual identity (something you were) rather than – as it was then perceived – a sinful, criminal act of sodomy (something you did).

Sexual identity is never really about biology or gender; it’s often more about ideology.

‘Gay’ gained popularity after the activist Frank Kameny came up with the catchphrase ‘gay is good’ in 1968. The gay liberation movement then claimed this 70-year-old word to create a new, positive identity and language for same-sex attraction.

“Sexual identity is never really about biology or gender; it’s often more about ideology,” explains James Downs, author of Stand By Me: The Forgotten History of Gay Liberation.

“In many respects, [the words people use to describe their] sexual identity often tells us more about a particular time and place than it does about behaviour.”

The gay liberation movement had its genesis in the political left, says Downs. It was a time when coming out took tremendous strength.

It wasn’t just an act of rebellion against conservative mores – it was a fight for equality. But with society now being more accepting of homosexuality (though there are of course many who still face persecution and violence because of their sexuality), a new splinter movement has formed.

“I think what you’re seeing from this new term, androphilia, is a disavowing of the left,” Downs adds.

“They don’t want to identify with leftist politics, and so they want a term that doesn’t have that political baggage.”

“Gay is part of the LGBT+ world that I never see myself as part of”

Henning Diesel, a self-described androphile and right-wing libertarian who lives near Hamburg, Germany, also rejects the word ‘gay’. “Gay is part of the LGBT+ world that I never see myself as part of,” he tells me.

While some might consider his views on ‘gay culture’ to be outdated, to Henning there are very real issues with the term. He explains that he doesn’t identify with what he calls “gay music, like Lady Gaga, Ariana Grande and Miley Cyrus” and “gay TV and movies, like Queer As Folk”.

Henning admits to being “sort of associated with the alt-right,” and he regularly shares alt-right memes, as well as videos and tweets created by figures in the alt-right movement.

“My sexual orientation is homosexual,” the 37 year-old explains. He describes his personality as having “typically male characteristics like courage or diligence – very traditional aspects".

“It includes violence, too,” he adds, explaining that he has an admiration for militaristic, traditionally ‘macho’ pastimes.

He calls the LGBTQ+ movement “advocacy for socialism” because of its roots in left-wing politics. Being gay doesn’t mean you automatically “sign up to the gay movement,” he says.

“I’m aware that Jack Donovan subscribes to the alt-right political movement. I stand in opposition to that, but I don’t think it invalidates his depiction of gay culture.”

Yet many are not happy that the term is being used by members of the alt-right.

James Milton, a 24-year-old student from Chicago, encountered the term ‘androphile’ in Jack Donovan’s writing six years ago, when he was an angsty 18-year-old looking for a place within gay culture.

He says it, “affirmed my suspicion that I wasn’t gay – just a man who happens to sleep with other men,” Milton told me.

He felt like he was on “the outskirts of gay culture because I didn’t relate to the pre-determined gay identity”. A country music fan, he says he was mocked by the bartenders in gay bars when he picked songs he liked.

James is also a fan of wrestling and mixed martial arts (MMA) – an interest he believes has caused him to be excluded from social situations with gay men.

“Those kinds of experiences directed me to the label ‘androphile’,” he says.

James is an African-American who identifies as a political centrist. “I’m aware that Donovan and many of his androphilic followers subscribe to the alt-right political movement,” he says. “I stand in opposition to that, but I don’t think it invalidates his depiction of gay culture.”

As for Nicolas Chinardet, who began describing himself as an androphile in the early 2000s as a rejection of gay stereotypes, he says: “I think I’m going to have to review my description.”

With androphilia now co-opted by the alt-right, he doesn’t feel comfortable with it anymore.

“I want absolutely nothing to do with those people,” he says. He’s on the hunt for a new term.

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On 25 March, 1969, Judy Garland took to the stage at the Falkoner Center in Copenhagen. As she reached the crescendo of Over the Rainbow – the song which made her a global star aged just 17 – it was unknown to the audience that they were watching her final live performance. Four months later, 47 year-old Garland was found dead in Chelsea, London, after accidentally overdosing on the drugs she had self-medicated with since childhood. One of the headlines would read: “Judy’s voice stilled. The rainbow is gone.”

Fifty years on, Garland superfan Ross Semple, 27, still listens to that Copenhagen concert religiously. “I cry every time I listen to that recording,” he says. “The pain in her voice, knowing what was to come soon after, you can hear it all.” Having seen The Wizard of Oz as a child, Ross was further drawn towards Judy Garland in his late teens, around the same time he came out as gay. He began watching her films, listening to her music and learning about her life. “I want to know as much as I can about her,” he explains. “Because I want to be able to speak with authority about her and understand her, because she deserves that.”

Ross is far from the only gay man to feel such strong affinity with Garland’s work and life. Gay magazine The Advocate once called her the “Elvis of homosexuals”, and in a 1967 review of Garland’s concert at New York City’s Palace Theatre, Time Magazine observed that a “disproportionate part of her nightly claque” was gay. Two years earlier, Garland herself had been asked if at a San Francisco press conference if she minded having such a large gay following, to which she responded: “I couldn’t care less. I sing to people!”

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Homosexuals understand suffering. and so does garland – esquire magazine, 1969

Journalist, author and self-confessed Garland devotee Robert Leleux wrote in the New York Times 2012 that the LGBTQ+ community’s love of Garland – which he dubbed “Judyism” – was becoming “little more than a cultural memory”. But now Judyism may be set to grip a whole new generation with the release of Judy, a biopic starring Renée Zellweger. Set in 1969, when Garland arrived in London for a five-week run of sold-out concerts, the film received rapturous reviews for Zellweger’s performance when it premiered at the Telluride and Toronto film festivals earlier this month. The buzz surrounding the release, partnered with the 2018 remake of A Star is Born – the iconic showbiz drama that earned Garland an Academy Award nomination in 1954 – has brought her distinctly gay legacy back into focus.

In biopic Judy, Renée Zellweger plays Garland – and is a favourite for next year’s Oscars (Credit: David Hindley/ LD Entertainment / Roadside Attractions)

To many gay men, Garland is the mother of all icons. But why? While Garland was still alive, critics made ham-fisted attempts to answer this question. A 1969 review of her Palace Theatre show in Esquire Magazine reads: “Homosexuals tend to identify with suffering. They are a persecuted group and they understand suffering. And so does Garland.” However queer historian Dr Justin Bengry warns against generalising in this way. “It’s important to ask: for whom is Judy Garland resonant, important and iconic?” he tells BBC Culture. “It seems to be a significant category of gay men, in particular, who are invested in celebrities or the camp aesthetic that Garland embodies. But it’s also important to recognise that they aren’t the totality of gay men.”

The camp that Bengry mentions is significant to Garland’s gay icon status. Queer film historian Jack Babuscio defines camp as “irony, aestheticism, theatricality and humour” – four pillars that form the foundation of Garland’s public persona. In fact, her life story is practically a blueprint for our modern understanding of what makes a gay icon. Analysing her story, from upbringing to death, helps us understand how and why some gay men look to famous women to help them navigate the world.

In 1922, Garland was born Frances Ethel Gumm – named after her parents Frank and Ethel – in Grand Rapids, Minnesota. When Garland was four, the family moved to California following rumours that her father, a closeted bisexual, had made sexual advances towards young men. After the family settled in California, Ethel Gumm began to promote her daughters as a performing trio, known as The Gumm Sisters. It was Garland’s mother who first introduced her to drugs. According to Gerald Clarke, author of Garland biography Get Happy, Ethel would give her daughters pills in the morning and at night, saying “I’ve got to get those girls going!” Eventually, after her older sisters both married, Garland was signed by studio giant MGM as a teenager on a seven-year contract. At 17, she starred in her breakout role as Dorothy Gale in The Wizard of Oz. 

Like judy garland, gay men are brought up to be ordinary. one is not brought up gay – richard dyer

This period in Garland’s life, which mirrored closely the story of Dorothy, has contributed significantly to her status as a gay icon. Much like her gingham-dressed alter ego, swept away by the winds into a magical, Technicolor world, Garland was plucked from obscurity to become a cultural icon. In his book, Heavenly Bodies: Film Stars and Society, professor Richard Dyer observes some gay men identify with Garland’s rejection of the ordinariness that she seemed destined for as a child. He theorises that turning out to be abnormal after being “saturated with the values or ordinariness” is a point where Garland and Dorothy’s stories align with the experience of some gay men, encouraging those who perceive themselves as ‘different’ to gravitate towards her.

Garland’s arrival as a major Hollywood star was complicated by a series of disastrous personal relationships, most notably with herself. From a young age, her self-image was relentlessly criticised by film executives who believed that she was unattractive. Alongside her mother, MGM executives controlled her image and encouraged her to take drugs to stay slim. Critical acclaim for her stand-out performances in Meet Me in St Louis and Till the Clouds Roll By coincided with praise of her ‘radiant’ appearance. But low points in Garland’s career were often accompanied by drastic weight gain and there were high-profile suicide attempts.

Garland’s coming-of-age mirrored the story of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz – both were ordinary girls swept into a world of Technicolor and magic (Credit: Alamy)

However Garland’s body struggles arguably made her a figure of endearment. As culture journalist Anne Helen Petersen told Karina Longworth in a 2014 episode of her podcast You Must Remember This: “Judy didn’t look like the rest of the MGM stars. She became this avatar for the rejected: not sexy enough, not pretty enough.” This physical insecurity is something that many gay men can identify with, in particular, as a demographic more likely to battle body dysmorphia, harm their bodies, attempt suicide suffer from eating disorders. In the book, Changing Gay Male Identities, Dr Andrew Cooper suggests that the body can be a complex battleground for many gay men: that the body becomes a key site for projecting a “successful” sense of self to gay peers, but also for embodying success in the eyes of wider society. With this in mind, is it any wonder gay men relate to Garland’s desire to stay slim and successful?

Garland’s professional and personal lives were both defined by turbulence. She married five times and two of her husbands were, like her father, suspected of being gay or bisexual. Garland first married at 19 when she eloped to Las Vegas with musician David Rose. A year later, when she fell pregnant, her mother convinced her to have an illegal abortion. Drugs and financial instability were a near-constant presence in her life and she was suspended numerous times by MGM for missing shoot days or being incoherent, intoxicated and abusive on set. At 28, she was eventually dropped by MGM shortly after being replaced by Ginger Rogers on The Barkleys of Broadway (1949).

Garland’s lead role in 1954’s A Star is Born was a comeback moment. At 32, she had already been divorced twice and suffered numerous breakdowns. The high-budget project was seen as her final throw of the dice in Hollywood. Garland’s portrayal of Esther Blodgett, an aspiring singer who becomes tortured by her love interest’s addiction issues, is regarded as one of the greatest film performances of all time. In one pivotal scene, she says: “You don’t know what it’s like to watch someone you love crumble away – bit by bit, day by day, in front of your eyes – and stand there helpless… I hate his promises to stop, I hate going home at night and listening to his lies. I hate him for failing and I hate me too.” It is hard to listen to these words without connecting them to her own addiction struggles.

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It annoys me when she gets boiled down to just how tragic she was. it’s a disservice to her body of work – ross semple

Yet the critical acclaim Garland received for A Star is Born was tarnished by its commercial underperformance. Deemed too long, the film had to be cut considerably, leading to a botched edit that left viewers underwhelmed. It flopped at the box office and Warner Bros then cancelled the lucrative multi-film deal Garland had signed with them. She was widely expected to take home the Academy Award for her role in the film, with reporters even waiting by her hospital bedside to capture her reaction as she prepared to give birth. But the Oscar ended up going to Grace Kelly, signalling that Garland’s Hollywood star was not going to be reignited after all.

At this point, the motif of Garland as a ‘survivor’ becomes central to her gay appeal. A Star is Born further blurred the line between her work and life, with Richard Dyer identifying this as the moment where Garland’s image of being “damaged goods” becomes an essential part of her star persona and gay icon status. He argues that, from then on, Garland’s work and life tells a story of survival, and of someone trying to assert some form of control in a world that was set up to destroy her. 

Garland had a comeback moment in 1954 showbiz drama A Star is Born – but it was short-lived (Credit: Alamy)

Like a true survivor, Garland rebounded from the commercial failure of A Star is Born. She found a new niche as a live singer, performing in a drug-induced haze on an endless tour after financial troubles left her permanently broke. Audiences, many of whom were gay, roared with laughter at her quick wit and gave her the validation for her performing that she had always craved. A live recording of her 1961 concert at Carnegie Hall in New York won four Grammys, including album of the year, making Garland the first woman to win the award.

Superfan Semple describes a tension between his admiration for Garland’s work and his fascination with her life story. “It annoys me when she gets boiled down to just how tragic she was,” he says. “Because her performances were so brilliant and she made some beautiful films. It’s a disservice to her body of work to paint her as solely a tragic figure, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t obsessed with the story behind the curtain too.” He also observes that the gay love for “survivor” women who have been cast aside continues today. “Female pop acts who are largely forgotten by mainstream society still headline Pride events every year,” he says. “Judy was an early incarnation of that.”

Some gay men find more affinity in straight female stars than they do in those from their own community, a process that queer academic José Muñoz calls “disidentification”. He thinks that LGBTQ+ people often assign queerness to characters or stories that are not explicitly queer as a “coping mechanism”. As an example, Muñoz suggests that when a gay man “identified” with Garland, he was “writing his way into the mainstream culture in which his own story could never be told.”

Gay men often reject gay cultural figures that they perceive as geared towards straight people – such as the cast members of netflix’s queer eye

But contrastingly, in the book How to be Gay, queer historian David Halperin describes a tension with the “mainstream” that leads gay men to be “highly critical, if not contemptuous, of their own artists, writers and filmmakers”. He says that gay men often fail to warm to gay characters and celebrities because they “don’t often like the representations of gay men that gay men produce.” Halperin suggests that this is because most mainstream representations of gay men, from pop culture to politics, pander to “acceptable” heterosexual norms. He draws a key distinction between gay culture – where “conventional” white gay men are dominant – and gay subculture – where women, drag queens, queer people of colour and trans people are more visible. This causes some gay men to reject gay cultural figures that they perceive as geared towards straight people – such as, to use two very current examples, the cast members of Netflix’s Queer Eye and gay Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigeig. Instead many embrace subcultural – and in their eyes, more subversive – female narratives like Garland’s.

As seen in the new film Judy, Garland found a new niche as a live singer towards the end of her life (Credit: David Hindley / LD Entertainment/ Roadside Attractions)

So, depending on which way you look at it, “disidentifying” with Garland is either gay men’s way of feeling aligned to mainstream culture – or, in fact, rejecting it wholesale.

It is an unavoidable truth that Garland’s tragic and untimely death has also contributed to her status as a gay icon, making her a timeless figure. On the day of Garland’s funeral, gay men lined the streets and wept for her. Dyer notes that, at the time, gathering to watch Garland’s funeral gave them “permission to be gay in public for once.” But decades later, you don’t have to look far to see how Garland was the first in a continuing lineage of ‘tragic’ female celebrities who have acquired the status of gay icons.

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Queens would come to a judy garland concert and then scream at her when she was too drunk to finish it – dr michael bronski

Elements of Garland’s story can be found in that of Diana, Princess of Wales, and her mistreatment at the hands of the press; Princess Margaret, with her ongoing substance issues, and marriage to an exploitative man who was rumoured to be gay; and Britney Spears, whose child stardom culminated in a very public divorce and mental health struggles. From Amy Winehouse, Whitney Houston and Kesha, to Lily Allen, Demi Lovato and Garland’s own daughter Liza Minnelli, women continue to be exploited, damaged and, in the worst cases, destroyed by fame.

Gay men need to be mindful of our own culpability in this cycle. ‘Friend of Dorothy’ has long been a popular code word for gay men, but not all friends of Dorothy were friends of Judy. As Dr Michael Bronski, a Harvard University professor and the author of books on gay culture a recent article on the dark side of “stan” (superfan) culture: "There is a long history of gay male fan culture latching onto famous women and then turning on them. Queens would come to a Judy Garland concert and then scream at her when she was too drunk to finish it. The women have changed – it’s no longer Marlene Dietrich and Judy Garland. But the dynamic remains in Western culture.”

Bronski is right: that pattern didn’t end with Garland’s death. Whether it’s Katy Perry becoming, as journalist Brian O’Flynn writes, “gay Twitter’s punching bag”, or gay fans dressing as ‘bald Britney’ for Halloween and turning up to meet-and-greets dressed in costume from Spears’s infamous 2007 breakdown, gay men can be increasingly fickle towards famous women.

As a former child sat who has endured mental health struggles, Britney Spears is one of many female celebrities whose experiences recall Garland’s (Credit: Alamy)

Idolising these women is one thing, but we shouldn’t treat them like playthings for our entertainment. The personal troubles of women like Winona Ryder, Amanda Bynes or Naomi Campbell might generate funny punchlines, but they’re also real-life problems. When push comes to shove, are gay men really there for the women we claim to worship? 

On screen too, there are several works in the gay pop-cultural canon that glorify destructive female behaviour – while being financed and created by men. Mommie Dearest, a biopic of screen icon Joan Crawford, which portrays her as an abusive mother, is a gay classic. And from the streets of Wisteria Lane to Big Little Lies and the Real Housewives franchise, pop-culture encourages us to love female characters when they’re screaming hysterically, so we can condense their pain into hilariously camp GIFs and say “yassss kween” as they smash up their surroundings.

Camp is a huge part of what draws gay men towards women like Garland. There is camp to be found in her tragedy, her successes and her bad behaviour. But some, such as gay author Andrew Britton have argued that the existence of camp actually depends on the restrictive gender dynamics that it claims to oppose. Much has been written about the suppressive effect of the “male gaze” on women, but surely the “gay gaze” is also to blame.

Fifty years after Garland’s death, her legacy lives on. Many gay men turn to women like Judy Garland to help them navigate their own experiences of the world. But we should also reflect on the way we treat them. Because if we don’t commit to treating the icons who we love with compassion, or creating the “kinder, gentler world” Garland once said she longed for, then are we much better than the people who tried to break her?

Judy is released in the US and Canada on 27 September and in the UK and Ireland on 4 October

If you would like to comment on this story or anything else you have seen on BBC Culture, head over to our Twitter.

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It’s hard to believe that not so long ago there was a stigma attached to using dating apps.

Now, they are completely normalised among young people and can be a great tool to use in meeting potential romantic partners.

But for many non-white people, online dating can be a a traumatic experience rather than a fun, positive one. As a black gay male, I find dating apps to be a space filled with micro-aggressions and racist sexual stereotyping.

Apps such as Grindr, although I do use others too, often result in the assassination of my personal character – because I’m seen as a sexual object and a thing, not a human being.

For instance, constant references to my gigantic penis – I don’t have one, but I’m black and so apparently it’s a given – is usually the focus of interactions.

Often the first message I get sent is: ‘BBC?’ (which stands for big black c**k, a common phrase in the porn industry) or ‘hung?’.

Other examples include: ‘I’m craving a black guy or a group of black guys’; ‘I’m in my car and fancy a big black c**k in my mouth’ or ‘is it true what they say about black guys’.

This is just a small fraction of the types of unsolicited messages I receive and if I don’t live up to this fantasy of being a hypersexual black stud with a big dick, I am immediately rendered dispensable and stop hearing from them.

There’s also this assumption that black guys are always a ‘top’ during sex (the penetrative partner) – which is just another stereotype. If you’re not top you become invisible.

It’s not just our bodies; one guy who I spoke to over the phone said he was disappointed because my voice didn’t sound as he had expected – I didn’t have a ‘Hackney’ accent.

It’s easy for people to dismiss these claims with an eye roll or a ‘here we go again’ response, but this ignores the very real truth of how black people have historically been sexually objectified and fetishised.

This is something we and other BAME peopleregardless of sexual orientation or gender identity – but it’s more nuanced, which makes it harder to call out and white people are reluctant to believe our stories.

The anonymity of the internet turns these platforms into a space in which people no longer need to censor themselves, making the prejudice and racism so much worse than what you’d typically face offline.

I’ve pushed back on people several times, but realised there’s no point in wasting my time. Some will call me a racist, despite me being the person calling out the racism, brush it off or say that I’m ‘playing the race card’.

Throughout history, black people have been portrayed as animalistic, lascivious and dangerous, with body parts that ‘proved’ this, and any guilt that may have arisen from selling, seeing and treating us as nothing but animals was assuaged because of it.

As such, an array of binaries were invented; civilised/uncivilised, them/us, white/black.

Today, the commodification of black people takes place through two avenues; on the one hand a desire and love for our culture and on the other, a form of hatred – portrayed in how black people are treated in society.

The ways in which black men are represented seldom offers variety.

The usual tropes of criminal, gangster rapper, absent father and womaniser belies the existence of men who are well-rounded and have a lot to offer.

Across the board, including in porn, black bodies are only seen as valuable when something can be obtained from them (such as realising a fantasy) – and this is reflected in my experiences on dating apps.

Many people will tell me to just not use them, and while I do often go on short breaks, in reality, how else can gay men interact and meet in a world where the majority of us use technology to connect?

When I meet people in real life, (not necessarily gay men, just anybody) there are other stereotypes that I have to defend myself from too. I am often asked for drugs (whether I am dressed in a suit makes no difference), sometimes people move away from me or quickly put their phones in their pockets.

When I go to clubs, which I rarely do, it’s more stares and sometimes guys try to touch my private parts.

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