Zachary Zane on Memoir 'Boyslut' and Unlearng Everythg You Know About Sex</tle><meta name="tle" ntent="Zachary Zane on Memoir 'Boyslut' and Unlearng Everythg You Know About Sex" /><meta name="scriptn" ntent="Zachary Zane discs his new memoir, 'Boyslut,' and the work of programmg himself om shame around bisexualy, polyamory, and masculy." /><meta name="keywords" ntent /><meta property="og:type" ntent="webse" /><meta name="theme-lor" ntent="#000000" /><lk href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" rel="in" /><meta property="og:se_name" ntent="Esquire" /><meta name="fb:app_id" ntent="171874009543995" property="fb:app_id" /><meta name="article:publisher" ntent=" property="article:publisher" /><meta name="fb:pag" ntent="84169421673" property="fb:pag" /><meta name="twter:se" ntent="@Esquire" /><meta name="google-se-verifitn" ntent="1vf5i9wM7chlCFc_0XI_e-oCfDf4sEvp32sTGKokQ" /><meta property="og:tle" ntent="It's Time to Unlearn Everythg You Know About Sex" /><meta property="og:scriptn" ntent="Zachary Zane discs his new memoir, 'Boyslut,' and the work of programmg himself om shame around bisexualy, polyamory, and masculy." /><meta name="robots" ntent="max-image-preview:large,max-snippet:-1,max-vio-preview:30" /><lk rel="apple-touch-in" href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" /><meta property="og:image" ntent="" /><meta property="og:image:width" ntent="1200" /><meta property="og:image:height" ntent="600" /><meta name="thumbnail" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent=" /><meta name="twter:image" ntent="" /><meta ntent=" property="og:url" /><meta name="to-publish" ntent="timely" /><meta property="og:type" ntent="article" /><meta name="twter:rd" ntent="summary_large_image" /><meta name="article:opn" property="article:opn" /><meta ntent="Books" property="article:sectn" /><meta ntent="2023-05-16T17:49:58Z" property="article:modified_time" /><meta ntent="2023-05-10T11:30:00Z" property="article:published_time" /><meta name="sailth.excerpt" ntent="There are few thgs more Amerin than apple pie—and one of them is a fear of sex. 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data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Entertament" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10asp0m e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">Entertament</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="1" /></li><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-zxq36b e9l0kn01"><a emProp="em" href="/entertament/books/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Books" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10asp0m e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">Books</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="2" /></li><style data-emotn="css huh8md">{display:none;}{paddg:0.25rem;ntent:">";}</style><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-huh8md e9l0kn01"><a emProp="em" href="/entertament/books/a43836999/zachary-zane-boyslut-terview/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="It's Time to Unlearn Everythg You Know About Sex" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10asp0m e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">It's Time to Unlearn Everythg You Know About Sex</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="3" /></li></ol></nav><style data-emotn="css g4r5va">{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-weight:normal;grid-lumn:1/-1;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-top:0.9375rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:2rem;le-height:1.25;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.625rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:3.125rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{font-size:3.37499rem;le-height:1.1;}}</style><h1 class="css-g4r5va exadjwu10"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span>It's Time to Unlearn Everythg You Know About Sex<span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h1><style data-emotn="css 2qf7xf">{lor:#515150;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg-bottom:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.0625rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.3;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:#000000;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-2qf7xf exadjwu8"><p>Zachary Zane discs his new memoir, <em>Boyslut</em>, and the work of programmg himself om shame around bisexualy, polyamory, and masculy.</p></div><style data-emotn="css 18k4ks7">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;marg-bottom:0.625rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}} span{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0rem;text-transform:palize;}@media(max-width: 48rem){ span{le-height:2rem;font-size:0.875rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){ span{le-height:2rem;font-size:0.875rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){ 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width="40" height="40" dg="async" fetchPrry="high" class=" css-1sa04t ehvvd9m0" />By <style data-emotn="css 7l5upj">{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><a href="/thor/242354/matt-ortile/" class="css-7l5upj e1c1bym14">Matt Ortile</a></span><style data-emotn="css 1bcsdhu">{display:le-block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;marg-left:0.625rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><time class="css-1bcsdhu exadjwu6">Published: May 10, 2023</time></addrs></div><style data-emotn="css 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data-emotn="css woto36">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;posn:relative;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:3.5rem;paddg-right:3.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{max-width:45.25rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem) and (max-width: 100rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}{clear:both;ntent:" ";display:block;font-size:0.7rem;le-height:1.5rem;height:0rem;visibily:hidn;}</style><div class="article-body-ntent article-body standard-body-ntent css-woto36 ewisyje7"><style data-emotn="css am5pt0">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;}{float:left;text-transform:upperse;font-weight:bold;marg-right:0.9375rem;marg-bottom:-0.625rem;marg-top:0;}{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-size:6.25rem;font-weight:normal;le-height:0.75;marg-right:0;paddg:0.6rem 0.75rem 0 0;}@-moz-document url-prefix(){{marg-top:0.625rem;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-right:0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:0.75;}} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;}</style><p data-no-id="0" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">There are few thgs more Amerin than apple pie—and one of them is a fear of sex. Watch any cultural weathervane sp and evably pots to some sort of panic regardg the rnal, the kky, the fun. Tak about <style data-emotn="css umdwtv">{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:background 0.4s;transn:background 0.4s;background:lear-gradient(#ffffff, #ffffff 50%, #d5dbe3 50%, #d5dbe3);-webk-background-size:100% 200%;background-size:100% 200%;}{lor:#000000;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;-webk-background-posn:100% 100%;background-posn:100% 100%;}</style><a href=" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="the ath of the sex scene" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0"><u>the ath of the sex scene</u></a> <a href=" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn=" popular culture" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0"><u> popular culture</u></a> have bee cyclil. 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After Onlyfans ma to mastream vobulari? </p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="1" data-embed="edorial-lk" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1643r8a">{borr:none;marg-top:1.875rem;marg-bottom:1.875rem;paddg:0rem;}</style><asi class="css-1643r8a e6pr2lz5"><style data-emotn="css l3w2xc">{display:le-block;font-weight:normal;marg:0rem;borr-top:0.25rem solid #15263D;paddg-right:1.1rem;paddg-top:0.4375rem;text-transform:lowerse;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;}</style><h6 class="css-l3w2xc e6pr2lz3"><style data-emotn="css 156fvc1">{borr-bottom:0.4375rem solid #FF3A30;borr-right:0.4375rem solid transparent;ntent:'';display:le-block;height:0;marg-right:0.5rem;width:0;}</style><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-156fvc1 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 8lle59">{max-width:lc(100% - 120px - .625rem);}</style><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Related Stori</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h6><style data-emotn="css c4s2gi">{paddg:0rem;marg:0rem;list-style:none;}</style><ul class="css-c4s2gi e6pr2lz4"><style data-emotn="css 79zw4t">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:1rem;le-height:2rem;paddg-top:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.9375rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:1.4;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;}</style><li class="css-79zw4t e6pr2lz2"><style data-emotn="css 1bn7a5e">{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-box-flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-wrap:wrap;-ms-flex-wrap:wrap;flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-directn:row;-ms-flex-directn:row;flex-directn:row;-webk-box-pack:start;-ms-flex-pack:start;-webk-jtify-ntent:flex-start;jtify-ntent:flex-start;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}</style><a href="/entertament/books/a32878718/why-our-genr-inty-language-isnt-enough/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Why Our Genr Inty Language Isn't Enough" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 1l0u1">{marg-right:0.625rem;height:to;}</style><img src="" alt="tomboyland" tle="Why Our Genr Inty Language Isn't Enough" width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Why Our Genr Inty Language Isn't Enough</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li><li class="css-79zw4t e6pr2lz2"><a href="/entertament/books/g43772900/bt-books-sprg-2023/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="The Bt Books of Sprg 2023" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><img src="" alt="bt books of sprg 2023" tle="The Bt Books of Sprg 2023" width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">The Bt Books of Sprg 2023</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li><li class="css-79zw4t e6pr2lz2"><a href="/liftyle/sex/a41411220/polyamoro-marriage-scen/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Scen om a (Group) Marriage " data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><img src="" alt="e" tle="Scen om a (Group) Marriage " width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Scen om a (Group) Marriage </span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li></ul></asi></div><style data-emotn="css aeyldl">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;}</style><p data-no-id="2" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">After sex has been on our screens and pag for so long, this untry’s puranil roots seem to have returned wh a vengeance. The wrer Zachary Zane believ that they never left. In his new book <em>Boyslut: A Memoir and A Manifto</em>, Zane argu that, much of Amerin culture, “sex-negativy is pervasive, sid, and touch all—and not a fun, kky way.” As a sex and relatnships advice lumnist for <em>Men’s Health</em> and <em>Cosmopolan</em>, Zane has seen how our society’s moralistic attus about our bodi and our sexual and genr exprsns leave many of limed and wantg for release. And so Zane wrote this book, “a nfsnal ll-to-arms,” he tells <em>Esquire</em>, as both a memoir—a wdow to his own sexual life and experienc as a polyamoro bisexual man New York Cy—and a manifto—a wdow to what is possible through a healthy relatnship wh sex and wh sexual partners: timacy and play, nnectn and muny.</p><p data-no-id="3" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Zane offers his personal stori not as a lebook or a template for rears, but as data pots and se studi, as exampl of his own self-terrogatns of ternalized sexual shame. “Havg sex has been the bt way for me to learn about sex,” he wr <em>Boyslut</em>. “[It] helped me unpack the stctural systems that ialize an unhealthy masculy, promote queerphobia, and perpetuate sex-negativy. I believe that if we n unrstand the systems, we n all unfuck ourselv.”</p><p data-no-id="4" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><em>This nversatn has been eded for length and clary.</em></p><style data-emotn="css 18pb4rg">{borr:0;borr-bottom:th solid black;marg:1.875rem 0;clear:both;}</style><hr data-no-id="5" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="6" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><strong>ESQUIRE: Today, </strong><strong><em>Boyslut</em></strong><strong> is a memoir and a manifto, as the ver says—but also ’s an onle ze that you n. Which me first?</strong></p><p data-no-id="7" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">ZACHARY ZANE: I always knew that my first book was gog to be lled <em>Boyslut</em>. I ma that cisn before startg my newsletter of the same name, which began as a tool to build my dience so I n directly reach them once I published the book. Then the newsletter evolved to <em>Boyslut</em> the ze, wh wrers om across the globe wrg nonfictn eroti. It’s really fun and rnchy. But I also want to make sure rears know that <em>Boyslut</em> the book is different om <em>Boyslut</em> the ze. </p><p data-no-id="8" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">The ze really is jt rnchy as fuck nonfictn, but the book is my memoir. It’s not jt sex stori. It’s about what our society teach about topics like sex, bisexualy, polyamory, and masculy, and unlearng that. In fact, when I submted the first draft, my edor said that, for a book about sex, actually wasn’t that sexy. I thk my dience expects a certa amount of graphic sex my wrg, so I asked myself if I uld add another chapter or two that giv the people what they want whout promisg my tentns for the book.</p><p data-no-id="9" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><strong>How do you balance those two mos of wrg?</strong></p><p data-no-id="10" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">It’s not too challengg, if I’m beg hont. They’re jt different hats that I put on. The ze, for me, is about fun. I publish myself; I don’t have an edor or a team. So that regard, the wrers and I get to be as graphic, as vulgar, as explic as humanly possible how we tell the stori about sex. But when you’re workg wh a team on a book for a general dience, there are other expectatns to manage. </p><style data-emotn="css 1iigb5k">{clear:none;posn:relative;text-align:center;word-break:break-word;}@media(max-width: 64rem){{max-width:100%;}{max-width:100%;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{text-align:left;}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{max-width:m(20.625rem, lc((100vw - (1rem * 3))/2));float:left;marg-left:0rem;marg-right:1rem;}{max-width:m(20.625rem, lc((100vw - (1rem * 3))/2));float:right;marg-right:0rem;marg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem) and (max-width: 90rem){{max-width:20.625rem;float:left;clear:left;marg-right:1rem;}{max-width:20.625rem;float:right;clear:right;marg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{max-width:20.625rem;float:left;clear:left;marg-right:1rem;}{max-width:20.625rem;float:right;clear:right;marg-left:1rem;}}</style><div data-ad-exclu="(m-width: 90rem)" data-embed="embed-product" data-no-id="11" size="medium" class="size-medium align-left 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0.3125rem;}}{outle-lor:body-cta-btn-lk-foc;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;borr:th solid #FF3A30;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.5rem 0.7rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}{outle-lor:body-cta-btn-lk-foc;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;borr:th solid #FF3A30;}</style><a target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener" href=" aria-label="$20 at Amazon for " data-href=" data-product-url=" data-affiliate="te" data-affiliate-url=" data-affiliate-work="{"id":"6d6f68a9-010c-4169-97b0-14dd8a217bdb","se_id":"8b6b0f67-bc-4d9d-86c6-dff1abae12","is_active":te,"metadata":{},"work":{"id":"469ce69f-4798-416d-9432-eaa9954b4053","name":"Amazon","is_active":te,"bs_un_id":"ad046b46-538b-42cb-aa54-c3d158875ed6","tails":"","metadata":{},"created_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241365+00:00","last_updated_at":"2021-07-28T16:03:03.241381+00:00"}}" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="$20 at Amazon" data-vars-ga-media-type="Sgle Product Embed" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-product-id="3f4620fe-a7d2-42a8-9941-7621d7c75b" data-vars-ga-product-price="$19.51" data-vars-ga-product-retailer-id="64faaacf-b731-459c-b015-269dffa1381d" data-vars-ga-gallery-id data-vars-ga-lk-treatment="sale | On Sale" data-vars-ga-sku="1419764713" data-vars-ga-magento-trackg="1" role="button" data-ab-label="ProdClick" class="product-btn-lk en6kra60 css-1i4dhmq e1c1bym14">$20 at Amazon</a></div></div></div></div><p data-no-id="12" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I want <em>Boyslut</em> the book to nnect wh a larger dience, to share this msage of unlearng shame around sex. While wrg , I didn’t want the language to be too off-puttg—and as ’s currently wrten, might still be too off-puttg for a lot of people. That’s jt the style I wre . But I did want to be more clive and try to meet a general rear where they are. Though, wh the ze, I’m ls ncerned bee ’s my pet project.</p><p data-no-id="13" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">And when I wre brazenly about sex for the ze, ’s not jt for shock value. Sex n look like this—kky and rnchy and tense and playful—and there’s nothg wrong wh that. I really thk there’s power <em>Boyslut</em> the ze beg as graphic and explic as is. If mak you unfortable, that’s a signal that there’s somethg you have to unpack about your relatnship to sex.</p><p data-no-id="14" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><strong>There are lots of nversatns happeng onle about sex scen televisn, films, and books, ostensibly about the value or mer they brg to art and storytellg. The way you scribe </strong><strong><em>Boyslut</em></strong><strong> the ze as rnchy and fun remds me that the explicns is sometim the pot self: sex </strong><strong><em>n</em></strong><strong> be rnchy and fun, and that’s a worthwhile human experience.</strong></p><p data-no-id="15" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Exactly. It’s pecially ght when you read sex through the lens of bisexualy. For so long, advotg for pictns of bisexualy the media, I feel like a lot of bi activists were ncerned about beg palatable to both straight <em>and</em> gay people. They wanted to disurage stereotyp about bisexuals—that we’re slutty or love threom—so they would om sex when talkg about bisexualy. I really didn’t like this ntered form of activism. And I know for a fact that I’ve not been ved to certa bi spac bee my work and I have been emed too explic, or I might rail the nversatn to be more about sex than sexualy. </p><p data-no-id="16" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">For me, ’s important to show the sexual si of bisexualy, to brg that back to the nversatn, and to make distctns between bi stereotyp that are herently bad and on that are not. Like, there’s nothg wrong wh beg slutty. There’s nothg wrong wh wantg threom. But then there are some negative stereotyp like, “Bisexual people are cheaters. They’re greedy. They’re liars.” Those are actually harmful. Of urse, you should not stereotype and assume that one bi person’s sir and experienc apply to all bi people. Some bi people are slutty or love threom; some bi people don’t. Personally, I’ve leaned to beg this bisexual stereotype and I’m very proud of that. In the past few years, I’ve noticed more people leang to stereotyp a way that, I thk, n actually be que affirmg.</p><p data-no-id="17" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><strong>The ia of leang to a stereotype is really tertg to me. It’s somethg I also talk about my book </strong><strong><em><a href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="The Groom Will Keep His Name" data-vars-ga-product-id="ac5f0707-0c09-4800-87a3-c6c031b7e5f8" data-vars-ga-lk-treatment="sale | (not set)" data-href=" data-product-url=" data-affiliate="te" data-affiliate-url=" data-affiliate-work="{"id":"6d6f68a9-010c-4169-97b0-14dd8a217bdb","se_id":"8b6b0f67-bc-4d9d-86c6-dff1abae12","metadata":{},"work":{"id":"469ce69f-4798-416d-9432-eaa9954b4053","name":"Amazon","metadata":{}}}" data-vars-ga-product-brand="Bold Type Books" data-vars-ga-product-price="$13.89" data-vars-ga-product-retailer-id="102b5e0d-d225-4929-86a8-8017a9e2eace" data-vars-ga-product-sem3-brand="Bold Type Books" class="body-lk product-lks css-umdwtv ebsw2pb0">The Groom Will Keep His Name</a></em></strong><strong>: g sexualy as a tool to get what I want as someone who is Asian, gay, and more feme—and how that blew up my face. While I was wrg, there was sometim a tensn between wrg a tthful and hont versn of myself on the page agast the lgerg knowledge that people will try to read my dividual experience as reprentative of a larger group. Did you have that ternal nversatn as well?</strong></p><p data-no-id="18" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Oh fely. But you n’t w —you know what I mean? It’s a nuance that I worked hard to rporate to the book, beg like: “Hey, this is my experience. This might ronate wh some bi people, or other people regardls of genr or sexual orientatn. But this is not everyone else’s experience. It’s only me.”</p><p data-no-id="19" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">A lot of what I tried to wre about the book is the ia that you should be ee to do whatever you want, to do wh the nsent of your partner or partners, and to do healthily. There’s no one way to be bisexual. There’s no one way to engage kk or sex, and no perfect amount of sex you should have wh your partner. What I’m advotg for is beg able to pick what is right for you and to see that there are optns you might not have even realized terms of how to engage wh sex, and how to have certa relatnships. I’m not puttg one or another on a pestal. I’m not sayg that my experience is the only experience. But hopefully, someone readg about how I live my life n fd some ronance wh , somethg like a jumpg off pot to explore their sexualy, to start unlearng the ways we’re tght by society to feel shameful about sex. </p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="20" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1eiql25">{text-align:center;marg:0rem;paddg-top:0.9375rem;paddg-bottom:0.9375rem;}</style><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><style data-emotn="css ow0dpz">{borr:0.3125rem solid #FF3A30;borr-radi:100%;ntent:'';display:block;height:2.1875rem;left:50%;marg:-0.99rem to 0 -1.33rem;posn:absolute;width:2.1875rem;}</style><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css la9czl">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:1.625rem;le-height:1.2;marg:0rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.75rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:2.375rem;le-height:1.2;}} b, strong{font-fay:her;font-weight:bold;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}{ntent:'＂';display:block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:3.4375rem;le-height:0.72;font-style:alic;paddg:0.3125rem 0.875rem 0 0;}</style><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">"There’s no one way to be bisexual. There’s no one way to engage kk or sex."</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="21" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><strong>That seems to be the ultimate double-edged sword about that ght ia of reprentatn. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.</strong></p><p data-no-id="22" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Especially when you’re a margalized group. Though we’re gettg more and more bisexual characters pop culture, there’s still not a lot of them. And when there’s ltle visibily, there’s this prsure that every pictn needs to be perfect, that a bisexual nnot look bad any shape, way, or form. But that priv of nuance, and of the fact that, of urse, no group is perfect. It don’t do anyone a service if we sweep the ls perfect aspects of an dividual character or a group or a muny unrneath the g. We need to addrs some of the ls than ial aspects of our liv. We have to be hont wh each other and wh ourselv.</p><p data-no-id="23" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><strong>It’s a lot like what happens fictn, when attempts at reprentatn are met wh backlash bee, say, a queer character behav badly a TV show. It’s often read as “bad reprentatn,” when realy, we know there are some evil queers out there.</strong></p><p data-no-id="24" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I remember this happeng when the realy TV show <em>Fire Island</em> me out. Not the Hulu movie—that was great. But wh the realy show, everyone was like, “This is not how gay men are! We’re not this petty or toxic!” It’s like, have you not met a fuckg gay man? We all know guys like that. It’s the same thg when a gay character is stereotypilly like, “Y, bch! Work, sis!” People will react and say, “We’re not all this queeny.” Sure, but many gay guys are. So the amg shouldn’t be, “We n’t have reprentatn like this.” I thk we jt need more pictns, broar pictns, more diverse pictns of queer life, so that one don’t have to reprent all. </p><p data-no-id="25" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><strong>Part of this cultural nversatn about reprentatn is often foced on fictn, on characters that are picted on screen or books, but they’re fundamentally not real.</strong></p><p data-no-id="26" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">And pictn don’t mean endorsement. You're g a character maybe as a foil, but don’t mean that the character is meant to stand for a creator. This is what a creator wants the world of work to look like, and that’s jt how some people are that world.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="27" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">Depictn don’t mean endorsement.</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="28" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><strong>Exactly. But </strong><strong><em>Boyslut</em></strong><strong> is different: ’s nonfictn. You pull om thgs that have actually happened and prent them as real. In your view, how much of those standards of reprentatn rry over to the realm of nonfictn? Are they even applible? </strong></p><p data-no-id="29" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">A lot of those nversatns do rry over to nonfictn ways that they shouldn’t. The amework is fundamentally different. You’re talkg about someone’s actual lived experience. You n’t take that away om them. But I still do get that kd of crique, and ’s challengg. It’s like, “I didn’t pict beg bisexual or poly the way that you want and so you say my own poly bisexualy is wrong.” It feels much more like a personal attack. People n read my work and disagree wh what I say, for sure. But ’s another thg when they try to validate the way that I live my life.</p><p data-no-id="30" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">W<strong>hat do you hope this book do for an average rear? Someone who’s not super sexual; someone who uld be queer, or uld be straight; someone the middle of a bookstore seeg the word </strong><strong><em>Boyslut</em></strong><strong>? What do you want them to get out of this readg experience?</strong></p><p data-no-id="31" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">There are two different thgs. Even if you’re not havg a lot of sex, you may be qutng your sexualy or overg shame about sex. If you’re someone who grew up and liv this world of ours, you have sexual shame. It’s jt that sid and pervasive. We get om media, culture, teachers, and iends. So I hope this book helps a rear unpack that shame. </p><p data-no-id="32" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">The other element is that I hope the book broans people’s horizons. I hope the stori the book show the varied optns available to as sexual begs. If you’re not fortable intifyg as bisexual, ’s like, okay, well, there are other ways to explore this. Or if you don’t want to be pletely polyamoro or an open relatnship, you might be monogam-ish. That’s somethg you n explore wh a partner. The days, even now, there’s a limg way to how we talk about sex, and how we’re supposed to date and love. I hope <em>Boyslut</em> picts the var optns worth explorg or the ways we n experiment our personal liv. That’s what I want the book to offer: disvery.</p><style data-emotn="css 2ok9l4">{marg-top:1.875rem;borr-top:th solid #595959;}</style><div data-jam-id="thor-b" class="css-2ok9l4 e13rjwo40"><style data-emotn="css f0b5z8">{display:grid;grid-template-lumns:to 1;grid-lumn-gap:0.625rem;paddg-top:1.25rem;paddg-bottom:1.25rem;clear:both;}</style><div class="css-f0b5z8 e19xk9rq8"><style data-emotn="css irehmq">{borr-radi:50%;height:60px;width:60px;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{width:40px;height:40px;}}</style><span class="css-irehmq e19xk9rq1"><style data-emotn="css o0wq4v">{width:100%;height:100%;borr-radi:50%;vertil-align:middle;object-f:ver;}</style><img src="" alt="Headshot of Matt Ortile" tle="Headshot of Matt Ortile" width="100%" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" class="css-o0wq4v e19xk9rq3" /></span><div><style data-emotn="css 3sqxrq">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;grid-gap:4px;-webk-align-ems:basele;-webk-box-align:basele;-ms-flex-align:basele;align-ems:basele;-webk-box-flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-wrap:wrap;-ms-flex-wrap:wrap;flex-wrap:wrap;}</style><div class="css-3sqxrq e19xk9rq7"><span class="css-0 e19xk9rq5"><style data-emotn="css 1yunoig">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-lor:her;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-transform:upperse;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><style data-emotn="css 1kgdfad">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;text-transform:upperse;lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-lor:her;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-transform:upperse;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><a href="/thor/242354/matt-ortile/" class="e1c1bym13 css-1kgdfad e1c1bym14"><span>Matt Ortile</span></a></span></div><style data-emotn="css 8u8x58">{display:-webk-box;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1rem;le-height:1.4;overflow:hidn;paddg-top:0.3125rem;-webk-box-orient:vertil;-webk-le-clamp:5;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{-webk-le-clamp:10;}}>*{display:le;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:CharterItalic,Geia,Tim,Serif;} p{marg:0rem;} p a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;} p a:hover{text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-8u8x58 e19xk9rq4"><p>Matt Ortile is the thor of <em>The Groom Will Keep His Name</em> and the executive edor of <em>Catapult</em> magaze. </p></div></div></div></div><style data-emotn="css ciejky">{clear:both;marg-top:1.25rem;}</style><div id="journey-le" class="css-ciejky e1cslvxz0"></div><style data-emotn="css 79elbk">{posn:relative;}</style><div class="css-79elbk eg8z2o90"><div class="css-79elbk e1tp40ll1"><div data-anchor-id="P0-0" class="css-0 e1tp40ll0"></div></div><style data-emotn="css 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1tuodqg">{width:330px;paddg-left:30px;}</style><div id="ad-article-rail-flt-wrapper" class="vertil-ad css-1tuodqg eqm02p30"><style data-emotn="css w0cuw4">{display:block;posn:-webk-sticky;posn:sticky;top:5rem;}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{display:none;}}</style><div class="vertilAdSticky css-w0cuw4 eqm02p32"><style data-emotn="css 9fasmy">{m-height:523px;top:5rem;}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;-webk-box-pack:jtify;-webk-jtify-ntent:space-between;jtify-ntent:space-between;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{m-height:138px;}}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{ntent:"";display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;borr-bottom:th solid #E8E8E8;}}</style><div class="standard-article-vertil-ad css-9fasmy eqm02p31"><style data-emotn="css 14b96eg">{m-width:18.75rem;text-align:center;}</style><div id="gpt-ad-vertil-top" class="ad-ntaer css-14b96eg e1hka4w80"></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div data-teractive="WatchNext-1" class="css-0 e10xr3vp6"><style data-emotn="css 1pqv15d">{marg-bottom:1.875rem;marg-top:1.875rem;paddg:0 0.938rem;}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg:0 2.5rem;}}</style><div data-embed="watch-next" class="css-1pqv15d e10xr3vp5"><style data-emotn="css 604vx7">{text-align:center;marg:0 to;max-width:60rem;borr-top:0.125rem solid #15263D;}</style><div class="css-604vx7 e10xr3vp4"><style data-emotn="css 1sowyjy">{marg-bottom:1.25rem;}</style><div class="css-1sowyjy e10xr3vp3"><style data-emotn="css ju94x7">{marg:0rem;font-weight:normal;background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;borr:0.125rem solid #15263D;text-align:left;width:-webk-f-ntent;width:-moz-f-ntent;width:f-ntent;borr-radi:2rem;display:block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;letter-spacg:0.04rem;marg-top:-1rem;paddg:0.5rem 0.9375rem 0.25rem;text-transform:upperse;}</style><h6 class="css-ju94x7 e10xr3vp2"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><span class="css-0 e10xr3vp1">Watch Next</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h6><style data-emotn="css un61">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;marg:0rem;m-height:to;paddg-top:1rem;text-align:left;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.5rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.875rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:2.125rem;le-height:1.2;}}</style><h6 class="css-un61 e10xr3vp0"> </h6></div><style data-emotn="css b3y6x">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;--aspect-rat:56.25%;} {posn:absolute;marg:0rem;}{ntent:"";display:block;height:0rem;width:100%;}@media(max-width: 30rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((45% / 1.16) + 20px + 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