The Guys In Wild Hogs Are So Not Gay - Towleroad Gay News

Contents:

• THE GUYS WILD HOGS ARE SO NOT GAY
• WILD HOGS ASSURED VIEWERS THAT MEN WERE BORN TO BE D BY NATHAN RAB FOTBTERS RE-EXAM MOVI THAT WERE AMONG THE TOP 25 GROSSG FILMS THE YEAR OF THEIR RELEASE, BUT HAVE RECED CULTURALLY, ORR TO EXPLORE WHAT ORIGALLY ATTRACTED DIENC TO THEM, AND WHY THEY FAILED TO ENDURE.  ACRDG TO POP-CULTURE NVENTNAL WISDOM, THE HETEROSEXUAL MALE WAS ONCE A PROUD CREATURE THAT RAN EE ACROSS OUR FAIR LAND, LIKE A MIGHTY MAN-BUFFALO SLATHERED OLD SPICE. HE WAS A VETERAN OF ONE OF THE GOOD WARS, IALLY WORLD WAR II OR AT LEAST KOREA, AND THOSE EXPERIENC HNTED HIM WAYS HE WAS TOO MANLY AND STOIC TO EVER REVEAL, TO HIMSELF OR ANYONE ELSE. HE WORE A SU, TIE, AND CUFFLKS WHEN HE WENT TO AN OFFICE WH A BUXOM SECRETARY. HE WENT GOLFG, TOLD DIRTY JOK, AND JOED HIS BUDDI FOR THICK, JUICY STEAKS AND MARTIS, OR MAYBE SOME STCH. HE PCHED WARS’ ASS AND LEERED AT STRANGERS’ CLEAVAGE WHOUT FEAR OF SHAME OR NSEQUENC. HE RAISED A FAY AND DIED OF A HEART ATTACK HIS MID-60S. HE HID HIS FEAR AND VULNERABILY OM THE WORLD, LIKE HIS FATHERS BEFORE HIM. BY THE TIME THE SURPRISE H WILD HOGS—THE UNED STAT’ 13TH TOP-GROSSG FILM OF 2007—ROLLED AROUND, THE ONCE-MIGHTY HETEROSEXUAL AMERIN MALE HAD BEE A SAD, NSTRAED, EMASCULATED BEAST, THE EQUIVALENT OF A ONCE-FEARSOME AND MAJTIC BROWN BEAR RCED TO WEARG CLOWN CLOTH AND RIDG A TRICYCLE A LOW-RENT CIRC. THE FILM SURVEYS FOUR DIFFERENT BREEDS OF AMERIN MEN CRISIS.  BOBBY (MART LAWRENCE, WHO LONG AGO LOST HIS SPARK AND NOW TDG THROUGH VEHICL AD-EYED AND VOID OF LIFE OR HOPE), IS MOCKED BY HIS HIGH-POWERED WIFE KAREN (TICHA ARNOLD) FOR HIS ASPIRATN OF BEG A PROFSNAL THOR, WHILE HIS MOTHER--LAW RPONDS WH A RISIVE, “IT’S HARD FOR KIDS TO RPECT A MAN WHO DON’T DO NONE OF THE PROVIDG.” BOBBY AT LEAST HAS THE NSOLATN THAT HIS MEAN, NTROLLG WIFE, FEARG THAT HER NO-GOOD HBAND WILL BE EVEN MORE OF A DRA ON HIS FAY THAN HE ALREADY IS, GOT HIM BACK HIS OLD JOB WH “THE FIRM.” BUT THIS BRIEF PROMISE OF DIGNY DISSIPAT WH THE REVELATN THAT “THE FIRM” KAREN SPEAKS OF IS NOT, SAY, A LAW FIRM, BUT RATHER A PLUMBG PANY WHERE BOBBY SPENDS HIS DAYS ELBOW-EP HUMAN WASTE. THE REVELATN OF THE TE NATURE OF “THE FIRM” IS MORE DISPIRG THAN IC; THE ENTIRE FIRST ACT OF WILD HOGS IS FED BY WILD OSCILLATNS BETWEEN S SHENANIGANS AND SOUR SUBURBAN SADNS. THE FILM LGHS AT S CHARACTERS, TEARG THEM DOWN SO N BUILD THEM BACK UP.  DOUG (TIM ALLEN) IS THE BREAD-WNER OF HIS HOME, BUT AS A SUCCSFUL NTIST, HE, TOO, IS EMASCULATED BY A WORLD THAT NSTANTLY REMDS HIM THAT HE ISN’T A PHYSICIAN OR A SURGEON, AND IS NSEQUENTLY A PATHETIC HALF-MAN. DOUG’S SON DON’T WANT TO PLAY TCH WH HIM BEE HE DON’T THK HIS DAD IS A GOOD ENOUGH ATHLETE, AND HIS FAY EXPECTS HIM TO STICK TO HIS DIET WHEN HIS BIRTHRIGHT AS AN AMERIN MAN IS EAT UNROKED STEAKS FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND DNER, WASHED DOWN BY STCH AND AN ENTIRE CHOLATE KE. SURE ENOUGH, A VIATN OM HIS DIET SENDS DOUG TO THE HOSPAL, WHERE HIS SUPPORTIVE WIFE KELLY (JILL HENNSY) TELLS HIM HE NEEDS TO LOOSEN UP AND EMBARK ON A CY SLICKERS-LIKE QUT TO FD HIS SE. (THIS IS NOT TO BE NFED WH A CY SLICKERS II-LIKE QUT TO FD CURLY’S GOLD.)  ELSEWHERE, WOODY STEVENS (JOHN TRAVOLTA) PRETENDS TO HAVE ALL TOGETHER, BUT HIS SUPERMOL WIFE IS DIVORCG HIM, AND HE’S SO BROKE, HE ANGRILY ARGU WH A SMALL CHILD OVER THE PRICE OF MOWG HIS LAWN. WOODY PRETENDS TO HAVE LEVERAGE THE BATTLEFIELD WE LL EARTH, BUT HE’S REALLY NOTHG BUT A PUNY, RAT-BRAED MAN-ANIMAL. FALLY, DUDLEY (WILLIAM H. MACY) N ONLY DREAM OF HAVG A WOMAN TO DIVORCE HIM, EMASCULATE HIM, OR GENTLY ENURAGE HIM TO GET HIS GROOVE BACK. AT A FFEE SHOP, DUDLEY TRI TO IMPRS AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN BY UTTERG “ALTERNATIVE SPECS” TO HIS SUPER-ADVANCED VOICE-ACTIVATED PUTER, ONLY TO HAVE THE PUTER MISREAD HIS STCTN AS “ALTERNATIVE SEX,” A SEARCH THAT LEADS QUICKLY AND EVABLY TO THE GERIATRIC-SEX SE DPE BEG A PUTER PROGRAMMER BY TRA, DUDLEY OWNS ONE OF THOSE CUR MACH, FOUND ONLY LOWBROW EDI, THAT REFE TO SHUT DOWN ONCE SEXUALLY APPROPRIATE MATERIAL APPEARS ON THEM. THE FOUR MEN ARE SO BEATEN DOWN BY A WORLD THAT EXPECTS THEM TO WORRY ABOUT THEIR CHOLTEROL AND TERACT WH WOMEN THAT NOT EVEN STRAPPG ON LEATHER JACKETS WH “WILD HOGS” EMBLAZONED ON THE BACK AND RIDG MOTORCYCL WS THEM ANY RPECT. IN THEIR OH HOMETOWN, THE MEN ARE LGHED AT AS MOTORCYCLE-RIDG WS. SO THEY EMBARK ON A PLAN TO RECLAIM THEIR LOST MANLS. LIKE PHIL PZER EASY RIR: THE RI BACK, THEY HEAD OUT ON THE OPEN ROAD WH NO CELL PHON, NO L, NO NAGGG WIV, AND ONLY A VAGUE PLAN TO DRIVE TO THE WT COAST LOOKG FOR ADVENTURE AND WHATEVER THEIR WAY. ALONG THE WAY, THE WILD HOGS TANGLE WH BIKER GANG THE DEL FUEGOS, LED BY JACK BLA (RAY LTTA), AND E TO THE AID OF THE SMALL TOWN OF MADRID, NEW MEXI. (THE DER BUILT FOR THE FILM WAS LEFT TACT AFTER FILMG WAS PLETED, AND IS NOW A GIFT SHOP SELLG WILD HOGS AND DEL FUEGOS SOUVENIRS. SO IF YOU’RE PLANNG A WORLDWI QUT TO VIS THE MOST PRSG TOURIST TRAPS THE WORLD, THIS SHOULD BE ON YOUR LIST, FOLLOWED BY THE THREE AMIGOS-THEMED NTA COZUMEL, MEXI.) OF THE FOUR LEADS, ONLY MACY LIVERS A REAL PERFORMANCE, RATHER THAN MUGGG OR ASTG LAZILY ON HIS PERSONA, AS HIS -STARS ALL DO. HE’S THE FUNNIT ELEMENT OF THE FILM BEE HE PLAYS THE ROLE DRAMATILLY, AS A STRANGELY LIGHTFUL MAN WHO LIV A DIFFERENT, MORE WONRFUL WORLD THAN EVERYONE ELSE. MACY’S DUDLEY IS ALSO, NOT CINTALLY, THE ONLY HOG WHO SEEMS FORTABLE HIS OWN SK. HE’S THE ONLY CHARACTER WHO ISN’T A POSER, WHO ISN’T NSTANTLY PUMPED UP WH FX BRAVADO OR MACHO LNS. HE’S ALSO THE ONLY CHARACTER FORTABLE ENOUGH HIS MASCULY TO DO THGS THAT MIGHT BE NSIRED FEME WHOUT IMMEDIATELY, ANGRILY PROCLAIMG HIS FIERCE HETEROSEXUALY. FOR EXAMPLE, AFTER CRASHG HIS BIKE EARLY THE FILM, DUDLEY RIS ON THE BACK OF WOODY’S HOG, AND DUDLEY SNEAKS A LONG, TENSE SNIFF OF WOODY’S MANLY MK. WOODY IS, OF URSE, APOPLECTIC. “IF YOU EVER PUT YOUR HEAD ON MY SHOULR, I’LL THROW YOU TO TRAFFIC,” HE ANGRILY RMS DUDLEY. BUT WHEN BOBBY ASKS HIM WHETHER HE GIRLISHLY SMELLED HIS IEND’S NECK, DUDLEY RHAPSODIZ WHOUT SHAME ABOUT HOW MUCH HE LOV HIS IEND’S LOGNE, LIKE A TEENAGED GIRL THE FIRST BLH OF PUPPY LOVE. LATER, AT A SWIMMG HOLE, DUDLEY DIV BARE-ASS NAKED BEE HE VIEWS THE HUMAN BODY AS A BETIFUL GIFT OM GOD, AND NOT SOMETHG GROSS AND GAY, AS TRAVOLTA’S CHARACTER DO. HIS IENDS FOLLOW SU, BUT WOODY ONLY DISROB WH THE VEAT, “I WILL GET NAKED WH MY GAY IENDS, AND IF ANY OF THEM LOOK AT MY JUNK, I WILL KILL THEM.” WILD HOGS IS AS OBSSED WH THE PROSPECT OF GAY I AND MAN-ON-MAN RAPE AS A PG-13 FAY FILM RELEASED BY A SUBSIDIARY OF DISNEY N BE. WHEN THE FOUR HOGS ARE FORCED BY THE CIRCUMSTANC AND STUPIDY OF THE SCRIPT TO SLEEP OUT AT NIGHT ON A SGLE FILTHY MATTRS A FIELD, A POLICE OFFICER PLAYED BY THE GREAT JOHN C. MCGLEY OVERHEARS THEM MOANG THGS LIKE, “BOY, MY ASS IS SORE,” “IT’S WOODY’S FLT FOR RIDG SO HARD YTERDAY. THE HUMAN BODY ISN’T MEANT TO STRADDLE SOMETHG FOR THAT LONG,” AND, “ANYBODY WANT TO EXPLA TO ME WHY I’M THE DIRT, WHEN I GOT SORE JAWS OM THREE HOURS OF BLOWG?” SUCH STATEMENTS WOULD SEEM TO IMPLY THAT THE FOUR AWKWARD, MIDDLE-AGED GENTLEMEN ARE REFERENCG A VIGORO, SODOMY-FILLED Y DURG WHICH THEY VLATED EACH OTHER’S ORIFIC AND SPIRS WH RECKLS ABANDON. MCGLEY’S DIRTY MD LEAPS TO PLAC NOT GENERALLY SEEN OUTSI THE SAN FRANCIS BATHHO OF THE 1970S, AND HE WANTS . INSTEAD OF ARRTG THE MEN FOR HAVG PUBLIC SEX, HE LTILY MANDS TO BE PART OF WHAT HE IMAG TO BE THE MEN’S TRAVELG OUTDOOR Y. WATCHG WILD HOGS, I GOT THE SENSE THAT WH THIS NTERED FAY FILM THERE WAS AN UNSPEAKABLY AWFUL, UNNSCNABLY OFFENSIVE HARD-R EDY WAG TO BREAK OUT. THE ENTIRE PRODUCTN IS CHARGED WH AN TENSE ANXIETY ABOUT SEXUALY AND MASCULY THAT SPILLS OUT WEIRD AND DISFORTG WAYS, LIKE A STATE-FAIR SCENE WHERE A SGER PLAYED BY KYLE GASS PERFORMS SONGS LIKE PSYT DOLLS’ “DON’T CHA” A SEXUALLY SUGGTIVE, GENR-BENDG MANNER. AND WHEN VLENCE SEEMS IMMENT AT A BIKER BAR WHERE THE HOGS MAKE ENEMI OF THE FEARSOME DEL FUEGOS, DOUG QUIPS, “DO ANYBODY ELSE HAVE THAT PRE-RAPE FEELG?” TO WHICH JACK BLA’S SIKICK RED (KEV DURAND) RPONDS EAGERLY, “I DO.” LATER ON, JACK BLA ADMIRGLY SAYS OF THE HOGS, “THOSE ASSHOL GOT BALLS,” TO WHICH RED EAGERLY ADDS, “THAT I’M GONNA PUT MY MOUTH AND CHEW ON,” G AN UNAMED JACK TO PUNCH HIM THE FACE. WOODY MERELY TALKS REPEATEDLY ABOUT THE VLENCE HE’LL M IF NONTED WH MEN TRYG TO H ON HIM OR STEAL A GLIMPSE AT HIS MAGNIFICENT PENIS. JACK STRAIGHT-UP PUNCH PEOPLE WHEN HE IMAG THEY MIGHT WANT TO NIBBLE ON THE TTICL OF OTHER MEN. AND OF URSE, THIS FILM ABOUT THE THREATENED MASCULY OF FOUR MIDDLE-AGED MEN ON HOLIDAY OM THE DOMTITG FLUENCE OF WOMEN-FOLK MAK SURE TO REFERENCE DELIVERANCE AND SHOW ALL THE PASTY MALE ASS A FILM N GET AWAY WH AND STILL QUALIFY AS PG-13.  IN BETWEEN ALL THE GAY-PANIC JOK, IENDSHIPS ARE STRENGTHENED, NFINCE IS REBUILT, AND MASCULY IS RTORED. AFTER STANDG UP TO THE BIKERS, BOBBY GETS THE URAGE TO STAND UP TO HIS WIFE AND POLELY REQUT HE BE TREATED LIKE A HUMAN BEG. DOUG REALIZ THAT THE END, ’S THE BIKER GANG WHO ARE THE REAL POSERS, AND THE WILD HOGS WHO ARE TLY EE. DOUG TO REALIZE THAT HIS GIANT HOE, GEO WIFE, AND THRIVG PROFSNAL PRACTICE AREN’T A PRISON OF DOMTICY, THEY’RE THGS THAT ALLOW HIM THE EEDOM TO, SAY, GO ON AN EXTEND MOTORCYCLE RI WH HIS IENDS. THAT, I THK, IS THE TACKY, SUPERFICIAL, CROWD-PLEASG ALLURE OF WILD HOGS. IT ASSURED VIEWERS THAT EVEN THOUGH THEY MIGHT ENGAGE THE GREAT AMERIN PASTIME OF FANTASIZG ABOUT PE AND THE OPEN ROAD, THEIR MIDDLE-TO-UPPER-MIDDLE-CLASS LIV ARE ACTUALLY FELY MORE FULFILLG. WILD HOGS REAFFIRMS THE SUPREMACY OF S DIENCE’S WAY OF LIFE BY MAKG THE OPEN ROAD SEEM LIKE MORE TROUBLE THAN ’S WORTH. INSTEAD OF A GNTLET OF YOUTHFUL, TRANSGRSIVE PLEASUR, THE OPEN ROAD OFFERS THE UNHAPPY MEN BIKERS WHO WANT TO BEAT THEM UP AND PS WHO WANT TO FUCK THEM. IF WILD HOGS MAK LIFE AS A HENPECKED SUBURBAN MALE SEEM SMALL AND SAD, MAK BEG AN OVERGROWN BABY OF A BIKER-GANG CLICHé SEEM EVEN SMALLER AND SADR.  STILL, WH THIS STUPID, PHONY, PANRG MOVIE THERE ARE STTERED MOMENTS THAT HT AT WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. MORE THAN ONCE, DOUG REFERENC HIS HALF-FOTTEN HISTORY AS A GUY WHO “ED TO GET HIGH A LOT,” WH A FARAWAY LOOK OF ABASHED PRI. THE DAYS, TIM ALLEN IS BETTER KNOWN FOR BEG ON A H FAY SHOW FOR A LN YEARS THAN HE IS FOR BEG A NVICTED E ALER, BUT EVERY ONCE A WHILE, A GLIMPSE OF THAT LONG-AGO LIFE ALLEN ONCE LED WILL SLIP TO HIS WORK, AND FOR A FLEETG MOMENT, THREATEN TO MAKE HIM TERTG. THAT’S THE SE HERE. THE PAFUL YET TENR WAY ALLEN UTTERS THE PHRASE “ED TO GET HIGH A LOT” HTS AT A EPER, TER MOVIE ABOUT A GUY WHO TRAD THE SEEDY PLEASUR OF PARTYG FOR A ZIER LIFE, BUT STILL SOMETIM FEELS THAT HUNGER WAYS THAT ARE DIFFICULT FOR HIM TO UNRSTAND OR EXPLA. WILD HOGS ISN’T THAT MOVIE. IT STEERS CLEAR OF ANYTHG REMBLG A HARSH OR PLITED TTH, AND N ONLY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT A CHARACTER ED TO GET HIGH A LOT IF DON’T GO TO ANY FURTHER TAIL. WILD HOGS MA A LOT OF MONEY REASSURG THE MEN OF AMERI THAT EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE NO LONGER EE TO HARASS SECRETARI WH IMPUNY, OR DRIVE GIANT, GAS-GUZZLG RS WH ENORMO FS, THEY’RE STILL KGS OF THE ROAD AND GODS AMONG MEN. WILD HOGS’ ABILY TO BELIEVE S OWN MSAGE HELPS EXPLA WHY HAS FAILED TO ENDURE. THE FILM WAS SLATED TO HAVE A SEQUEL, BUT THE DISASTRO CRIL AND MERCIAL PERFORMANCE OF OLD DOGS, WHICH RNED TRAVOLTA WH WILD HOGS DIRECTOR WALT BECKER, DOOMED THE PLANNED FOLLOW-UP.  WILD HOGS FANS (OR “HOGGALOS,” AS I’VE JT CID THEY’RE NOW KNOWN) NEEDN’T SPAIR, HOWEVER. IF HISTORY IS ANY DITN, THIS MOVIE, WHICH CLIMAX WH AN ASTONISHGLY CLUMSY, AWKWARD APPEARANCE BY PETER FONDA AS JACK BLA’S DISAPPROVG BIKER-LEGEND DAD, WILL RECEIVE S FOLLOW-UP SEVERAL S DOWN THE LE, URTY OF EASY RIR: THE RI BACK GU PHIL PZER, WHO WILL BE CRYOGENILLY OZEN, THEN UNTHAWED SO HE N PRODUCE, WRE, AND STAR AS THE NEVER-SEEN BROTHER OF FONDA’S CHARACTER, AND AS JACK’S EVEN OLER, EVEN MORE BADASS UNCLE.  UP NEXT: ALAN ALDA’S THE FOUR SEASONS  MOST READ FEATUR

THE GUYS WILD HOGS ARE SO NOT GAY

As I noted a post earlier this week, Wild Hogs, which appears to rely on “gay panic” as s centerpiece, may not be as funny as A.

“The ma thg about the guys — the ma source of the movie’s fumblg attempts at humor — is that they’re not gay.

They may worry about people thkg that they’re gay, and they may do thgs that might make people thk that they’re gay — dance, touch one another, take off their cloth, exprs emotn — but they’re absolutely 100 percent not gay. McGley) who cis, based on his misunrstandg of the perfectly nocent thgs they’re sayg, that they mt be gay.

WILD HOGS ASSURED VIEWERS THAT MEN WERE BORN TO BE D BY NATHAN RAB FOTBTERS RE-EXAM MOVI THAT WERE AMONG THE TOP 25 GROSSG FILMS THE YEAR OF THEIR RELEASE, BUT HAVE RECED CULTURALLY, ORR TO EXPLORE WHAT ORIGALLY ATTRACTED DIENC TO THEM, AND WHY THEY FAILED TO ENDURE.  ACRDG TO POP-CULTURE NVENTNAL WISDOM, THE HETEROSEXUAL MALE WAS ONCE A PROUD CREATURE THAT RAN EE ACROSS OUR FAIR LAND, LIKE A MIGHTY MAN-BUFFALO SLATHERED OLD SPICE. HE WAS A VETERAN OF ONE OF THE GOOD WARS, IALLY WORLD WAR II OR AT LEAST KOREA, AND THOSE EXPERIENC HNTED HIM WAYS HE WAS TOO MANLY AND STOIC TO EVER REVEAL, TO HIMSELF OR ANYONE ELSE. HE WORE A SU, TIE, AND CUFFLKS WHEN HE WENT TO AN OFFICE WH A BUXOM SECRETARY. HE WENT GOLFG, TOLD DIRTY JOK, AND JOED HIS BUDDI FOR THICK, JUICY STEAKS AND MARTIS, OR MAYBE SOME STCH. HE PCHED WARS’ ASS AND LEERED AT STRANGERS’ CLEAVAGE WHOUT FEAR OF SHAME OR NSEQUENC. HE RAISED A FAY AND DIED OF A HEART ATTACK HIS MID-60S. HE HID HIS FEAR AND VULNERABILY OM THE WORLD, LIKE HIS FATHERS BEFORE HIM. BY THE TIME THE SURPRISE H WILD HOGS—THE UNED STAT’ 13TH TOP-GROSSG FILM OF 2007—ROLLED AROUND, THE ONCE-MIGHTY HETEROSEXUAL AMERIN MALE HAD BEE A SAD, NSTRAED, EMASCULATED BEAST, THE EQUIVALENT OF A ONCE-FEARSOME AND MAJTIC BROWN BEAR RCED TO WEARG CLOWN CLOTH AND RIDG A TRICYCLE A LOW-RENT CIRC. THE FILM SURVEYS FOUR DIFFERENT BREEDS OF AMERIN MEN CRISIS.  BOBBY (MART LAWRENCE, WHO LONG AGO LOST HIS SPARK AND NOW TDG THROUGH VEHICL AD-EYED AND VOID OF LIFE OR HOPE), IS MOCKED BY HIS HIGH-POWERED WIFE KAREN (TICHA ARNOLD) FOR HIS ASPIRATN OF BEG A PROFSNAL THOR, WHILE HIS MOTHER--LAW RPONDS WH A RISIVE, “IT’S HARD FOR KIDS TO RPECT A MAN WHO DON’T DO NONE OF THE PROVIDG.” BOBBY AT LEAST HAS THE NSOLATN THAT HIS MEAN, NTROLLG WIFE, FEARG THAT HER NO-GOOD HBAND WILL BE EVEN MORE OF A DRA ON HIS FAY THAN HE ALREADY IS, GOT HIM BACK HIS OLD JOB WH “THE FIRM.” BUT THIS BRIEF PROMISE OF DIGNY DISSIPAT WH THE REVELATN THAT “THE FIRM” KAREN SPEAKS OF IS NOT, SAY, A LAW FIRM, BUT RATHER A PLUMBG PANY WHERE BOBBY SPENDS HIS DAYS ELBOW-EP HUMAN WASTE. THE REVELATN OF THE TE NATURE OF “THE FIRM” IS MORE DISPIRG THAN IC; THE ENTIRE FIRST ACT OF WILD HOGS IS FED BY WILD OSCILLATNS BETWEEN S SHENANIGANS AND SOUR SUBURBAN SADNS. THE FILM LGHS AT S CHARACTERS, TEARG THEM DOWN SO N BUILD THEM BACK UP.  DOUG (TIM ALLEN) IS THE BREAD-WNER OF HIS HOME, BUT AS A SUCCSFUL NTIST, HE, TOO, IS EMASCULATED BY A WORLD THAT NSTANTLY REMDS HIM THAT HE ISN’T A PHYSICIAN OR A SURGEON, AND IS NSEQUENTLY A PATHETIC HALF-MAN. DOUG’S SON DON’T WANT TO PLAY TCH WH HIM BEE HE DON’T THK HIS DAD IS A GOOD ENOUGH ATHLETE, AND HIS FAY EXPECTS HIM TO STICK TO HIS DIET WHEN HIS BIRTHRIGHT AS AN AMERIN MAN IS EAT UNROKED STEAKS FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND DNER, WASHED DOWN BY STCH AND AN ENTIRE CHOLATE KE. SURE ENOUGH, A VIATN OM HIS DIET SENDS DOUG TO THE HOSPAL, WHERE HIS SUPPORTIVE WIFE KELLY (JILL HENNSY) TELLS HIM HE NEEDS TO LOOSEN UP AND EMBARK ON A CY SLICKERS-LIKE QUT TO FD HIS SE. (THIS IS NOT TO BE NFED WH A CY SLICKERS II-LIKE QUT TO FD CURLY’S GOLD.)  ELSEWHERE, WOODY STEVENS (JOHN TRAVOLTA) PRETENDS TO HAVE ALL TOGETHER, BUT HIS SUPERMOL WIFE IS DIVORCG HIM, AND HE’S SO BROKE, HE ANGRILY ARGU WH A SMALL CHILD OVER THE PRICE OF MOWG HIS LAWN. WOODY PRETENDS TO HAVE LEVERAGE THE BATTLEFIELD WE LL EARTH, BUT HE’S REALLY NOTHG BUT A PUNY, RAT-BRAED MAN-ANIMAL. FALLY, DUDLEY (WILLIAM H. MACY) N ONLY DREAM OF HAVG A WOMAN TO DIVORCE HIM, EMASCULATE HIM, OR GENTLY ENURAGE HIM TO GET HIS GROOVE BACK. AT A FFEE SHOP, DUDLEY TRI TO IMPRS AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN BY UTTERG “ALTERNATIVE SPECS” TO HIS SUPER-ADVANCED VOICE-ACTIVATED PUTER, ONLY TO HAVE THE PUTER MISREAD HIS STCTN AS “ALTERNATIVE SEX,” A SEARCH THAT LEADS QUICKLY AND EVABLY TO THE GERIATRIC-SEX SE DPE BEG A PUTER PROGRAMMER BY TRA, DUDLEY OWNS ONE OF THOSE CUR MACH, FOUND ONLY LOWBROW EDI, THAT REFE TO SHUT DOWN ONCE SEXUALLY APPROPRIATE MATERIAL APPEARS ON THEM. THE FOUR MEN ARE SO BEATEN DOWN BY A WORLD THAT EXPECTS THEM TO WORRY ABOUT THEIR CHOLTEROL AND TERACT WH WOMEN THAT NOT EVEN STRAPPG ON LEATHER JACKETS WH “WILD HOGS” EMBLAZONED ON THE BACK AND RIDG MOTORCYCL WS THEM ANY RPECT. IN THEIR OH HOMETOWN, THE MEN ARE LGHED AT AS MOTORCYCLE-RIDG WS. SO THEY EMBARK ON A PLAN TO RECLAIM THEIR LOST MANLS. LIKE PHIL PZER EASY RIR: THE RI BACK, THEY HEAD OUT ON THE OPEN ROAD WH NO CELL PHON, NO L, NO NAGGG WIV, AND ONLY A VAGUE PLAN TO DRIVE TO THE WT COAST LOOKG FOR ADVENTURE AND WHATEVER THEIR WAY. ALONG THE WAY, THE WILD HOGS TANGLE WH BIKER GANG THE DEL FUEGOS, LED BY JACK BLA (RAY LTTA), AND E TO THE AID OF THE SMALL TOWN OF MADRID, NEW MEXI. (THE DER BUILT FOR THE FILM WAS LEFT TACT AFTER FILMG WAS PLETED, AND IS NOW A GIFT SHOP SELLG WILD HOGS AND DEL FUEGOS SOUVENIRS. SO IF YOU’RE PLANNG A WORLDWI QUT TO VIS THE MOST PRSG TOURIST TRAPS THE WORLD, THIS SHOULD BE ON YOUR LIST, FOLLOWED BY THE THREE AMIGOS-THEMED NTA COZUMEL, MEXI.) OF THE FOUR LEADS, ONLY MACY LIVERS A REAL PERFORMANCE, RATHER THAN MUGGG OR ASTG LAZILY ON HIS PERSONA, AS HIS -STARS ALL DO. HE’S THE FUNNIT ELEMENT OF THE FILM BEE HE PLAYS THE ROLE DRAMATILLY, AS A STRANGELY LIGHTFUL MAN WHO LIV A DIFFERENT, MORE WONRFUL WORLD THAN EVERYONE ELSE. MACY’S DUDLEY IS ALSO, NOT CINTALLY, THE ONLY HOG WHO SEEMS FORTABLE HIS OWN SK. HE’S THE ONLY CHARACTER WHO ISN’T A POSER, WHO ISN’T NSTANTLY PUMPED UP WH FX BRAVADO OR MACHO LNS. HE’S ALSO THE ONLY CHARACTER FORTABLE ENOUGH HIS MASCULY TO DO THGS THAT MIGHT BE NSIRED FEME WHOUT IMMEDIATELY, ANGRILY PROCLAIMG HIS FIERCE HETEROSEXUALY. FOR EXAMPLE, AFTER CRASHG HIS BIKE EARLY THE FILM, DUDLEY RIS ON THE BACK OF WOODY’S HOG, AND DUDLEY SNEAKS A LONG, TENSE SNIFF OF WOODY’S MANLY MK. WOODY IS, OF URSE, APOPLECTIC. “IF YOU EVER PUT YOUR HEAD ON MY SHOULR, I’LL THROW YOU TO TRAFFIC,” HE ANGRILY RMS DUDLEY. BUT WHEN BOBBY ASKS HIM WHETHER HE GIRLISHLY SMELLED HIS IEND’S NECK, DUDLEY RHAPSODIZ WHOUT SHAME ABOUT HOW MUCH HE LOV HIS IEND’S LOGNE, LIKE A TEENAGED GIRL THE FIRST BLH OF PUPPY LOVE. LATER, AT A SWIMMG HOLE, DUDLEY DIV BARE-ASS NAKED BEE HE VIEWS THE HUMAN BODY AS A BETIFUL GIFT OM GOD, AND NOT SOMETHG GROSS AND GAY, AS TRAVOLTA’S CHARACTER DO. HIS IENDS FOLLOW SU, BUT WOODY ONLY DISROB WH THE VEAT, “I WILL GET NAKED WH MY GAY IENDS, AND IF ANY OF THEM LOOK AT MY JUNK, I WILL KILL THEM.” WILD HOGS IS AS OBSSED WH THE PROSPECT OF GAY I AND MAN-ON-MAN RAPE AS A PG-13 FAY FILM RELEASED BY A SUBSIDIARY OF DISNEY N BE. WHEN THE FOUR HOGS ARE FORCED BY THE CIRCUMSTANC AND STUPIDY OF THE SCRIPT TO SLEEP OUT AT NIGHT ON A SGLE FILTHY MATTRS A FIELD, A POLICE OFFICER PLAYED BY THE GREAT JOHN C. MCGLEY OVERHEARS THEM MOANG THGS LIKE, “BOY, MY ASS IS SORE,” “IT’S WOODY’S FLT FOR RIDG SO HARD YTERDAY. THE HUMAN BODY ISN’T MEANT TO STRADDLE SOMETHG FOR THAT LONG,” AND, “ANYBODY WANT TO EXPLA TO ME WHY I’M THE DIRT, WHEN I GOT SORE JAWS OM THREE HOURS OF BLOWG?” SUCH STATEMENTS WOULD SEEM TO IMPLY THAT THE FOUR AWKWARD, MIDDLE-AGED GENTLEMEN ARE REFERENCG A VIGORO, SODOMY-FILLED Y DURG WHICH THEY VLATED EACH OTHER’S ORIFIC AND SPIRS WH RECKLS ABANDON. MCGLEY’S DIRTY MD LEAPS TO PLAC NOT GENERALLY SEEN OUTSI THE SAN FRANCIS BATHHO OF THE 1970S, AND HE WANTS . INSTEAD OF ARRTG THE MEN FOR HAVG PUBLIC SEX, HE LTILY MANDS TO BE PART OF WHAT HE IMAG TO BE THE MEN’S TRAVELG OUTDOOR Y. WATCHG WILD HOGS, I GOT THE SENSE THAT WH THIS NTERED FAY FILM THERE WAS AN UNSPEAKABLY AWFUL, UNNSCNABLY OFFENSIVE HARD-R EDY WAG TO BREAK OUT. THE ENTIRE PRODUCTN IS CHARGED WH AN TENSE ANXIETY ABOUT SEXUALY AND MASCULY THAT SPILLS OUT WEIRD AND DISFORTG WAYS, LIKE A STATE-FAIR SCENE WHERE A SGER PLAYED BY KYLE GASS PERFORMS SONGS LIKE PSYT DOLLS’ “DON’T CHA” A SEXUALLY SUGGTIVE, GENR-BENDG MANNER. AND WHEN VLENCE SEEMS IMMENT AT A BIKER BAR WHERE THE HOGS MAKE ENEMI OF THE FEARSOME DEL FUEGOS, DOUG QUIPS, “DO ANYBODY ELSE HAVE THAT PRE-RAPE FEELG?” TO WHICH JACK BLA’S SIKICK RED (KEV DURAND) RPONDS EAGERLY, “I DO.” LATER ON, JACK BLA ADMIRGLY SAYS OF THE HOGS, “THOSE ASSHOL GOT BALLS,” TO WHICH RED EAGERLY ADDS, “THAT I’M GONNA PUT MY MOUTH AND CHEW ON,” G AN UNAMED JACK TO PUNCH HIM THE FACE. WOODY MERELY TALKS REPEATEDLY ABOUT THE VLENCE HE’LL M IF NONTED WH MEN TRYG TO H ON HIM OR STEAL A GLIMPSE AT HIS MAGNIFICENT PENIS. JACK STRAIGHT-UP PUNCH PEOPLE WHEN HE IMAG THEY MIGHT WANT TO NIBBLE ON THE TTICL OF OTHER MEN. AND OF URSE, THIS FILM ABOUT THE THREATENED MASCULY OF FOUR MIDDLE-AGED MEN ON HOLIDAY OM THE DOMTITG FLUENCE OF WOMEN-FOLK MAK SURE TO REFERENCE DELIVERANCE AND SHOW ALL THE PASTY MALE ASS A FILM N GET AWAY WH AND STILL QUALIFY AS PG-13.  IN BETWEEN ALL THE GAY-PANIC JOK, IENDSHIPS ARE STRENGTHENED, NFINCE IS REBUILT, AND MASCULY IS RTORED. AFTER STANDG UP TO THE BIKERS, BOBBY GETS THE URAGE TO STAND UP TO HIS WIFE AND POLELY REQUT HE BE TREATED LIKE A HUMAN BEG. DOUG REALIZ THAT THE END, ’S THE BIKER GANG WHO ARE THE REAL POSERS, AND THE WILD HOGS WHO ARE TLY EE. DOUG TO REALIZE THAT HIS GIANT HOE, GEO WIFE, AND THRIVG PROFSNAL PRACTICE AREN’T A PRISON OF DOMTICY, THEY’RE THGS THAT ALLOW HIM THE EEDOM TO, SAY, GO ON AN EXTEND MOTORCYCLE RI WH HIS IENDS. THAT, I THK, IS THE TACKY, SUPERFICIAL, CROWD-PLEASG ALLURE OF WILD HOGS. IT ASSURED VIEWERS THAT EVEN THOUGH THEY MIGHT ENGAGE THE GREAT AMERIN PASTIME OF FANTASIZG ABOUT PE AND THE OPEN ROAD, THEIR MIDDLE-TO-UPPER-MIDDLE-CLASS LIV ARE ACTUALLY FELY MORE FULFILLG. WILD HOGS REAFFIRMS THE SUPREMACY OF S DIENCE’S WAY OF LIFE BY MAKG THE OPEN ROAD SEEM LIKE MORE TROUBLE THAN ’S WORTH. INSTEAD OF A GNTLET OF YOUTHFUL, TRANSGRSIVE PLEASUR, THE OPEN ROAD OFFERS THE UNHAPPY MEN BIKERS WHO WANT TO BEAT THEM UP AND PS WHO WANT TO FUCK THEM. IF WILD HOGS MAK LIFE AS A HENPECKED SUBURBAN MALE SEEM SMALL AND SAD, MAK BEG AN OVERGROWN BABY OF A BIKER-GANG CLICHé SEEM EVEN SMALLER AND SADR.  STILL, WH THIS STUPID, PHONY, PANRG MOVIE THERE ARE STTERED MOMENTS THAT HT AT WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. MORE THAN ONCE, DOUG REFERENC HIS HALF-FOTTEN HISTORY AS A GUY WHO “ED TO GET HIGH A LOT,” WH A FARAWAY LOOK OF ABASHED PRI. THE DAYS, TIM ALLEN IS BETTER KNOWN FOR BEG ON A H FAY SHOW FOR A LN YEARS THAN HE IS FOR BEG A NVICTED E ALER, BUT EVERY ONCE A WHILE, A GLIMPSE OF THAT LONG-AGO LIFE ALLEN ONCE LED WILL SLIP TO HIS WORK, AND FOR A FLEETG MOMENT, THREATEN TO MAKE HIM TERTG. THAT’S THE SE HERE. THE PAFUL YET TENR WAY ALLEN UTTERS THE PHRASE “ED TO GET HIGH A LOT” HTS AT A EPER, TER MOVIE ABOUT A GUY WHO TRAD THE SEEDY PLEASUR OF PARTYG FOR A ZIER LIFE, BUT STILL SOMETIM FEELS THAT HUNGER WAYS THAT ARE DIFFICULT FOR HIM TO UNRSTAND OR EXPLA. WILD HOGS ISN’T THAT MOVIE. IT STEERS CLEAR OF ANYTHG REMBLG A HARSH OR PLITED TTH, AND N ONLY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT A CHARACTER ED TO GET HIGH A LOT IF DON’T GO TO ANY FURTHER TAIL. WILD HOGS MA A LOT OF MONEY REASSURG THE MEN OF AMERI THAT EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE NO LONGER EE TO HARASS SECRETARI WH IMPUNY, OR DRIVE GIANT, GAS-GUZZLG RS WH ENORMO FS, THEY’RE STILL KGS OF THE ROAD AND GODS AMONG MEN. WILD HOGS’ ABILY TO BELIEVE S OWN MSAGE HELPS EXPLA WHY HAS FAILED TO ENDURE. THE FILM WAS SLATED TO HAVE A SEQUEL, BUT THE DISASTRO CRIL AND MERCIAL PERFORMANCE OF OLD DOGS, WHICH RNED TRAVOLTA WH WILD HOGS DIRECTOR WALT BECKER, DOOMED THE PLANNED FOLLOW-UP.  WILD HOGS FANS (OR “HOGGALOS,” AS I’VE JT CID THEY’RE NOW KNOWN) NEEDN’T SPAIR, HOWEVER. IF HISTORY IS ANY DITN, THIS MOVIE, WHICH CLIMAX WH AN ASTONISHGLY CLUMSY, AWKWARD APPEARANCE BY PETER FONDA AS JACK BLA’S DISAPPROVG BIKER-LEGEND DAD, WILL RECEIVE S FOLLOW-UP SEVERAL S DOWN THE LE, URTY OF EASY RIR: THE RI BACK GU PHIL PZER, WHO WILL BE CRYOGENILLY OZEN, THEN UNTHAWED SO HE N PRODUCE, WRE, AND STAR AS THE NEVER-SEEN BROTHER OF FONDA’S CHARACTER, AND AS JACK’S EVEN OLER, EVEN MORE BADASS UNCLE.  UP NEXT: ALAN ALDA’S THE FOUR SEASONS  MOST READ FEATUR

But the thg is — get this — he’s the one who’s gay! You thk he’s a stereotypil homophobe, but he turns out to be a homophobic stereotype.

Anyway, the four nongay guys n afoul of some real bikers — one of whom might be gay!