Why straight women and gay men are often so close

Contents:

• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• WHY ARE SO MANY GAY ROMANCE NOVELS WRTEN BY STRAIGHT WOMEN?
• READG MM: HOW GAY ROMANCE SCRATCH AN ITCH FOR STRAIGHT WOMEN
• I WAS SURE I WAS GAY – UNTIL I FELL LOVE WH MY BT FEMALE IEND
• WHEN A STRAIGHT WOMAN FALLS LOVE WH A GAY MAN
• ‘HE BROKE MY HEART TO A BILLN PIEC’: WHEN A STRAIGHT WOMAN FALLS LOVE WH A GAY MAN
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE
• I AM GAY AND I'M LOVE WH A STRAIGHT, WHAT N I DO?
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• CAN A GAY MAN FALL LOVE WH A WOMAN?
• GAY MEN HAVG SEX WH WOMEN?
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN
• ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN “NATURAL ALLI”? AN EVOLUTNARY ACUNT
• WHAT WOMEN WANT: GAY MALE ROMANCE NOVELS
• WHAT'S THE SCIENCE BEHD STRAIGHT WOMEN LIKG GAY MEN?

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad. Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective.

Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns. Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay. The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you.

WHY ARE SO MANY GAY ROMANCE NOVELS WRTEN BY STRAIGHT WOMEN?

That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man). (Technilly what I’m talkg about is lled “male/male romance”; “gay romance” is wrten by gay men for gay men, may not foc on a romantic relatnship, and don’t guarantee a happily-ever-after.

The first time I noticed this, I flipped the book over my hands, back and forth, lookg at the ultra-gay ver art, and then the thor’s photo on the back.

READG MM: HOW GAY ROMANCE SCRATCH AN ITCH FOR STRAIGHT WOMEN

In this dynamic, which I see enacted gay romance novels, the tth of the man’s queerns is erased, bee the character is gay only the ways the straight woman thor n image. When a straight woman cis to “reem” the gay narrative by makg her ma characters mastream-hot, cisgenred, able-bodied guys, and “giv them” a happy endg, she is not makg progrs. My cricism of straight women -optg gay bodi for their own pleasure is based on the belief that no person n ethilly e other people, pecially margalized people, to benef themselv.

The gems are the fulfillment of what gay romance n be: LGBTQ thors, wrg about LGBTQ characters, for an dience of all kds of rears, cludg straight women. As Gee Michael told The Guardian a 2005 terview: “Gay people the media are dog what mak straight people fortable, and tomatilly my rponse to that is to say I’m a dirty filthy fucker and if you n’t al wh , you n’t al wh .

I WAS SURE I WAS GAY – UNTIL I FELL LOVE WH MY BT FEMALE IEND

Instead of perpetuatg the dynamic of gay men tg straight women, or signg their choic, straight women who want to wre gay romance might ask themselv the qutns any wrer should: Why am I wrg this? Instead of occupyg space a genre that objectifi gay people, is better to support gay thors, pecially wrers of gay romance and other LGBTQ-centered stori.

When Lren Blakely, a married straight 49-year-old woman livg Seattle and a vorac rear, me upon the 2007 lerary sensatn Call Me By Your Name by André Aciman, a gay romance that was ma to a 2017 movie starrg Timothée Chalamet and Armie Hammer, she voured a weekend. Her first gay romance, A Guy Walks Into My Bar, was her playg wh the ia of whether was possible for two men, strangers, a US hockey player and a Brish bartenr, to fall love six days.

WHEN A STRAIGHT WOMAN FALLS LOVE WH A GAY MAN

Bee FM romance books the days n have siarly racy vers, a potential buyer sometim mt read the text on the back to tell that the books are gay, not straight. MM romance wrers may tegrate var aspects of ntemporary gay life their books, referencg gay bars and hookup apps, for example, as well as trop like llege days and profsnal sports.

‘HE BROKE MY HEART TO A BILLN PIEC’: WHEN A STRAIGHT WOMAN FALLS LOVE WH A GAY MAN

The plited bs of gay life – self-doubt, homophobia, the difficulty of g out, hard-to-harns sir, negotiatg non-monogamy – mt be set asi for a few hundred pag. But both refer to the same thg - straight women who have strong, often highly tense and mutually supportive, relatnships wh gay days, straight woman and gay men who get along would probably jt be lled mat, but "handbags" were often vol and visual supports of the homosexual muny when discrimatn - legal and otherwise - was still rampant. Her grandmother was a "beard", or fake girliend, to gay men she was close to; while her mother helped when the muny was beg vastated by AIDS.

The days, straight woman and gay men who get along would probably jt be lled mat, but “handbags” were often vol and visual supports of the homosexual muny when discrimatn — legal and otherwise — was still rampant.

Her grandmother was a “beard”, or fake girliend, to gay men she was close to; while her mother helped when the muny was beg vastated by AIDS.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE

Now a new psychology study has provid evince that gay men and straight women are the perfect iends wh benefs – as long as the benefs have to do wh tstworthy relatnship advice. “I was terted the evolutnary perspective as to why gay men and straight women form close iendships, ” says Eric Rsell, a visg psychology rearcher at the Universy of Texas At and lead thor of the study, published the latt issue of Evolutnary Psychology. Rsell wonred if had somethg to do wh the exchange of matg advice sce gay men and straight women aren’t romantic partners or matg petn and were “uniquely posned to exchange tstworthy rmatn.

”To tt his hypothis, Rsell enlisted the help of 88 straight women and 58 gay men, all unrgrads om the Texas ChristianUniversy, and nducted two one, straight women were prented wh a scenar volvg a party, a iend who bags out at the last mute and a substute “date” named Jordan.

Rearchers asked the women to look up a Facebook profile for Jordan -- who was prented as eher a straight woman, a straight man or a gay man – and then answer a seri of qutns.

I AM GAY AND I'M LOVE WH A STRAIGHT, WHAT N I DO?

In the send study, gay men were prented wh the exact same scenar except the Facebook profile picted Jordan as eher a straight woman, a gay woman or a gay qutns – signed to terme the level of tst tt subjects had for each genr/sexual preference – were ccial to the person’s “game. As turned out, straight women did tst advice given by the gay Jordan more than the advice they got om a straight female or straight male Jordan.

Rsell says he wasn’t surprised by the fdgs, although he did fd tertg that gay men were jt as tstg of straight women as straight women were of gay men.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

”It’s a dynamic well-documented movi, lerature and pop culture, says Rsell, potg to famo gay guy-straight gal iendships like Will and Grace and Kurt and Rachel om Glee. There’s even a seri of YouTube vios om the edy group Send Cy showg how a number of famo straight women om lerature – thk Juliet, Lady MacBeth and Charl Dickens’ Miss Havisham – uld have benefed om a “sassy gay iend. Lare was the maid of honor at Fick' weddg, and Fick was Lare's“In general, if you were askg whether I’d tst a straight woman or a gay man an unknown suatn, I’d probably end up tstg the straight woman rather than the gay guy, ” he says.

”Christyne Blount, a 38-year-old fancial analyst om Seattle, says she fely would tst a gay man more than that of a straight man when me to datg advice but feels her straight women iends are every b as reliable.

CAN A GAY MAN FALL LOVE WH A WOMAN?

Those lov are like fallg love wh a teacher, or a straight fallg love wh a gay, or fallg love wh a married person, or fallg love wh a sger or an actor. But you need to know that if the person dont want to do somethg wh you, you need to pass no matter have to rpect that the person you like is straight jt like how he rpect and accept you beg Gay.

Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight. You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife. I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage.

Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure. A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually.

GAY MEN HAVG SEX WH WOMEN?

Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv. To answer your qutn plaly wh the rmatn that you’ve shared, ’s likely that some gay men do have sexual relatnships wh women to hi their te orientatn, due to fear of g out. And, although scientific studi this field are rare, sexual aroal to women has been measured groups of men wh several different sexual orientatns, cludg those who intify as gay.

Archiv, sexual orientatn is ually prised of several parts: attractn, how one acts on that attractn, and how one intifi (gay, straight, bisexual, etc). Surveys among high school stunts found differenc between inty and sexual behavrs, wh many of the self-intified gay or lbian stunts mentng that they engage sexual activi wh those of other genrs.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN

Stream Cover (2015)After gettg off to a rocky start, an unexpected, whirlwd romance forms between a gay fashn stylist and a Che movie star who seems homophobic at first. Sure, an ocsnal teenage girl falls for a boy who's gay, but don't take most girls very long to figure out that, this se, where there's smoke, there's most fely not fire.

In general, the attractn women feel for gay men tends to be emotnal nature, clearg the way for a highly satisfyg relatnship that outlasts most other relatnships gay men and straight women have.

Send, straight women love gay men bee closens wh gay men provis a wdow to how the mds of men work, somethg that women want to know as they navigate datg waters wh their straight male peers. Though there are, of urse, differenc between straight and gay men, gay men are neverthels men who share many characteristics and motivatns wh straight men. When to the sexualy of young straight and gay men—meang, how equently they thk about sex, want , or feel impatient to get to the actual sex part—there are undoubtedly siari.

ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN “NATURAL ALLI”? AN EVOLUTNARY ACUNT

In general, gay men, and gay women, too, tend to be more fearls than their straight unterparts—particularly straight men—bee they’ve ually experienced bullyg and prejudice bee of their sexual orientatn. Meanwhile, gay men have the social license to be as outrageo or emotnal as they want to be bee gay men don't have to f to such a tightly prcribed role.

Instead, they feel more fortable removg the sexual factor that exists at straight bars and prefer the harmlsns that wh socializg wh gay men gay surroundgs. If straight women and gay men foc on fdg iendships where there's te emotnal patibily and rpect, they n velop one of the most rewardg relatnships a person uld have.

Of urse, some intify as straight but are realy closeted bisexuals or gays by sexual orientatn—perhaps likely to e out at a later age (if ever).

WHAT WOMEN WANT: GAY MALE ROMANCE NOVELS

The thors of this piece, the psychologist Eric Rsell and his lleagu om Texas Christian Universy, claim that the age-old relatnship between the homosexual male and the heterosexual female served (and likely ntu to serve) a blogilly adaptive ’s an ancient alliance, they reason, that is unique among human social bonds for one important reason: the absence of ulterr motiv the doma of sexual behavr. “Straight women may experience creased tst their relatnships wh gay men, ” expla the thors:… due to the absence of ceptive matg motivatns that equently tat their relatnships wh straight men (sexual tert) and other straight women (mate petn) terms of havg someone to help them to make the most adaptive reproductive cisns, ’s a one-sid iendship.

But the thors reason that gay men also rive direct sexual benefs om havg straight female iends:The sexual tert and petive motiv that may tat gay men’s iendships wh each other are notably absent om their relatnships wh straight there li the w-w for both:Dpe beg sexually attracted to the same genr (i. That’s shorthand for the ambiguo, liberate, or awkward sexual tensns that n unrme even the bt platonic iendships between a straight woman and a straight man (or between two gay men. Yet prr studi have ed revealed that both straight women and gay men rate their iendships wh each other as beg qualatively more meangful and eper than other prev work—which also found that straight women wh gay male iends tend to have a posive body image, to feel sexually attractive and secure, and to nsir themselv appreciated for their personaly—ed survey data, th keepg scientists om drawg any nclns about the unrlyg .

You do not know this person, but you ci to look them up on Facebook before acpanyg them to the participants were then shown a fake Facebook profile of the llege-aged neighbor, cludg a photo and clear rmatn about the person beg: (a) a gay male; (b) a straight male; or (c) a straight female. And so as Rsell and his lleagu predicted, the straight women who’d been randomly assigned to the “gay male Jordan” ndn rated his tstworths as signifintly higher pared to those answerg qutns about “straight male Jordan” or “straight female Jordan.

WHAT'S THE SCIENCE BEHD STRAIGHT WOMEN LIKG GAY MEN?

In the send study, the rearchers replited the party/Facebook experiment, but the participants this time were gay men rather than straight women.

On the other hand, argue the thors, sce gay men and lbians are attracted to different genrs, this absence of a mon sexual tert may lead gay men to perceive lbians as ls tstworthy than straight women, at least when to relatnship and datg advice. Gay men who were randomly assigned to the “straight female Jordan” perceived the target’s tstworths to be signifintly higher than those who got the “lbian Jordan” or “gay male Jordan.