Gay and Can't Fd a Partner? | Psychology Today

Contents:

• GAY LOVE, STRAIGHT SENSE
• WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT A SEEMGLY FAKE DOCUMENT A GAY RIGHTS CASE
• INTIMACY AND SEXUALY GAY MALE UPL
• GAY AND CAN'T FD A PARTNER?
• ARE GAY DATG APPS INPATIBLE WH FDG LOVE?
• GAY RELATNSHIPS CAN BE MORE STABLE THAN STRAIGHT ON
• NEWLY PUBLISHED PORTRAS DOCUMENT A CENTURY OF GAY MEN LOVE
• CALIFORNIA STILL HAS AN ANTI-GAY MARRIAGE LAW ON THE BOOKS. VOTERS ULD REMOVE NEXT YEAR
• MANY SUCCSFUL GAY MARRIAG SHARE AN OPEN SECRET
• THE 5 LOVE LANGUAG FOR GAY MEN: VIO BLOG

GAY LOVE, STRAIGHT SENSE

Comg of age wh “a very nfed inty, ” wrer Andrew Solomon was certa he had to make a choice between creatg a fay and beg gay. The margalizatn that attend growg up homosexual saw ank exprsn Far From the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Inty, his 2012 exploratn of how parents raise children who are markedly different om themselv any one of a number of ways.

WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT A SEEMGLY FAKE DOCUMENT A GAY RIGHTS CASE

Gay men and lbian women typilly report siarly tortured experienc reckong wh their own sexualy, nstantly lculatg the sts of hidg or revealg one of the most fg arcs of beg, self-policg their behavr for mannerisms that might betray their clatns before they themselv are prepared to acknowledge them. It’s a ttament to urage that so many eventually do, spe the possibily of rejectn om those clost to them and a self-hatred ternalized om a wir culture that still often revil homosexualy. For Solomon, as for many gay men and lbian women, the very stggle to be and to love on their own terms is reemg.

Straight or gay, we all have a sire to be eply known, yet often fear that some private flaw mak ultimately unlovable. Some, however, reflect the unique social legacy of homosexual partnerships. And some stem om doublg, the pound dose of a sgle genr, which sometim brgs out the bt partners (emotnal openns among lbians)—and sometim the worst (domance stggl between gay men, emotnal enmhment lbians).

INTIMACY AND SEXUALY GAY MALE UPL

When partners don’t have to divi up rol by genr, they are also ee to share rol, and many gay upl do, reports Boston psychologist Richard Miller. Lbian partners are pecially apt to work as a team, says Maya Kollman, a New Jersey–based therapist whose practice clus both gay and straight upl.

Add to that the fiance assumg a stigmatized sexual inty and a claratn of homosexualy be an act of sexual liberatn, as “we n have whatever sex we want. “Our sexual IQ is bigger, ” says psychologist Joe Kort, who teach at the Universy of Michigan and se both heterosexual and homosexual upl his clil practice. “Homosexual upl know more about what they like and don’t like sexually.

Touchg, kissg, oral and masturbatory experienc—even for many gay men “this is exactly what their sexual repertoire nsists of, ” adds Miller. Rare is the heterosexual uple who enjoy the sexual eedom gays reap by breakg through the big taboo of homosexualy.

GAY AND CAN'T FD A PARTNER?

” In fact, at the fish of therapy ssns, psychologist Kort urg all the heterosexual and gay male upl his practice to “fd your ner lbian. For homosexuals, sexual liberatn enpass the past as well as the prent.

By ntrast, the more open sexualy of the gay male muny, says Miller, mak male upl fortable sharg their sexual experience, even tappg .

ARE GAY DATG APPS INPATIBLE WH FDG LOVE?

In long-term observatnal studi of both gay and straight relatnships, Gottman, who is a profsor emer at the Universy of Washgton and founr of Seattle’s Gottman Relatnship Instute, has found that same-sex upl beg more “softly” brgg up a topic of nflict. They also ploy more humor discsg disagreements, he has reported the Journal of Homosexualy, and that -lat the disagreement. Homosexual partners on the receivg end of a nflict issue are ls fensive.

GAY RELATNSHIPS CAN BE MORE STABLE THAN STRAIGHT ON

“Another tertg thg that emerged the uple nversatns, ” Gottman found, “was that gays and lbians are more hont. “Gays and lbians may be more petent at havg a mature relatnship. And failure to nnect emotnally n e ntentn among gay men.

“In 200 years, heterosexual relatnships will be where gay and lbian relatnships are today, ” Gottman predicts.

Especially for gay men, but also for gay women, good iends are also potential lovers and sex partners. As a rult, homosexuals have had to learn how to be iends wh people they are attracted to and how to live a world wh lots of threats whout beg overly nfed.

NEWLY PUBLISHED PORTRAS DOCUMENT A CENTURY OF GAY MEN LOVE

It also enurag gays to velop ternal rtrats rather than abidg by external on, such as marriage vows, not even a possibily until recently. It’s not that boundari never get crossed: Gay men, he reports, often hook up sexually first, then bee iends, matag the secury and emotnal mment of their primary relatnship.

CALIFORNIA STILL HAS AN ANTI-GAY MARRIAGE LAW ON THE BOOKS. VOTERS ULD REMOVE NEXT YEAR

Keepg jealoy check also helps homosexuals to exist civilly wh ex. Homosexual partners n sometim pick on each other over the smallt nuanc of behavr, pecially signs of effemacy. It’s a legacy of ternalized homophobia and s cultural , misogyny.

MANY SUCCSFUL GAY MARRIAG SHARE AN OPEN SECRET

But general, observers report, gays engage ls micromanagement of behavr than heterosexual upl do. Nor are homosexuals always bound to acpany their partner on viss to their fay of orig. Sometim the loosened requirement for gays is a nsequence of cultural homophobia: Not all gays are at the same pot the g-out procs, and not all fai are fully acceptg of same-sex partnerships.

Gay men pecially do not have that role expectatn; they are not cled to take personally any parture om the template.

THE 5 LOVE LANGUAG FOR GAY MEN: VIO BLOG

Rearch shows that 50 percent of gay male upl have open relatnships, says Kort, although the number may now be creasg as gays marry and tablish fai, actns that shift gay culture more to the mastream. Some gay male upl negotiate an open relatnship that has very strict l to , observ David Greenan, a psychologist and fay therapist New York who se gay and straight upl his clil practice. In 2007, Andrew Solomon relquished all vtig of shame about beg gay and before 300 guts mted himself to his partner an elaborate ceremony at a stately English untry hoe.