'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• STRAIGHT MEN'S HILAR RPONSE TO GAY MEN'S THREAT TO MARRY THEIR GIRLIENDS, 'OH MY GOD, PLEASE DO THAT!'
• PSA: GAY MEN WILL MARRY YOUR GIRLIENDS
• STRAIGHT MEN RPOND TO ‘GAY MEN WILL MARRY YOUR GIRLIENDS’ VIO
• GAY MEN WILL MARRY YOUR GIRLIENDS AND THEN MAKE QUICHE AND HUMM
• GAY MEN WILL MARRY YOUR GIRLIENDS IF YOU DON’T SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE
• FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY
• HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• "WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• GAY MEN WILL MARRY YOUR GIRLIEND
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• GAY MARRY

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad. Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn.

Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns. So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay.

STRAIGHT MEN'S HILAR RPONSE TO GAY MEN'S THREAT TO MARRY THEIR GIRLIENDS, 'OH MY GOD, PLEASE DO THAT!'

He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him. There were issu wh him om the start, but nothg to make me thk that he might be gay.

PSA: GAY MEN WILL MARRY YOUR GIRLIENDS

Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay.

On the east ast where we were, beg gay was still really hidn.

STRAIGHT MEN RPOND TO ‘GAY MEN WILL MARRY YOUR GIRLIENDS’ VIO

Then, wh the AIDS epimic, a lot of men who were gay felt as if they uld be straight, was a good time to be straight. So even though Robert lied to me about beg gay, I did unrstand why he did .

GAY MEN WILL MARRY YOUR GIRLIENDS AND THEN MAKE QUICHE AND HUMM

And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me.

He was also very homophobic, makg fun of effemate men.

GAY MEN WILL MARRY YOUR GIRLIENDS IF YOU DON’T SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE

Over the years, I’ve found that a lot of gay men do that. It’s an ternalized homophobia that I see a lot, even among gay men who are out and open.

Do you fd that a lot of gay men straight marriag engage blamg and gaslightg as part of the act? I saw one of your blog posts you e the term “gaylightg” to scribe this form of gaslightg. I fd tertg that a lot of men this suatn ratnalize their behavr, sayg ’s not cheatg and don’t mean they’re gay.

I really thought that people n choose to be straight or gay. I did, even then, thk that many gay people are who they are and that’s all there is to . He had also been tellg me thgs like, “If you ever tell anybody the silly stori about me beg gay, then that’s , we’re done.

FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY

The reasons gay men make good hbands for women, they claim, is bee “We’re ripped. My clost iends now are a handful of straight and gay women, and a handful of gay men.

HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO

So I do unrstand that this humoro sk has somethg to say, although s real msage is “Support gay marriage or we’ll marry your girliends.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

Fearlsns—after all, the olr gay men went through s of real threat. My heart has been broken so many tim is more crack than substance—but never by a gay man.

"WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED

Maybe the answer is gay marriage—that is, marriage between a straight woman and a gay man. My Hband’s Not Gay, a show on TLC, has ed an uproar.

Why do some people bee so outspoken and judgmental about marriag wh one straight and one gay spoe? Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show).

They report they are attracted to men but choose not to live as a gay man and their straight wiv accept this. People seem to get up arms when a man says he is not gay but rather simply attracted to men.

In our culture, we intify ourselv via a sexual-attractn bary: gay or straight.

GAY MEN WILL MARRY YOUR GIRLIEND

Later, their gay sexual inti surface and here they are—heterosexually married wh children. Many straight women married to gay men nscly choose to do so wh their ey wi open.

There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men. They make this choice wh open discsns, which are very paful and emotnal for both the gay man and the straight wife. ” To the man, I say, “Consir whether you n really keep your homosexual feelgs and sir check.

You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife. I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage. Both the gay man and the straight spoe share the risk of stayg married.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure. Some upl try to “live straight” and image that they will be able to not acknowledge the hband’s gayns any way. Generally, a gay man will feel a lot of emotnal distrs, grief, and prsn if he is livg so eply the closet.

This will happen even if, or maybe I should say pecially if, he is nial about his gayns. If your hband says he didn’t know he was gay when he married you, he most likely didn’t know.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

Most of my male clients who are gay and married to women didn’t know that their inty was gay when they married.

They often don’t know their inty is gay when they first e to see me.

He most likely terpreted his gay terts as sexual “kks, ” and he nvced himself they would fa away after he married. Typilly the men are homophobic and want me to reassure them and their wiv that they aren’t gay.

GAY MARRY

” The gay men intify their behavr as “only sexual. A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually.

That is, the man is still gay, and he lov you. She may fear that bee he is gay, he will leave her.

He may fear that if he adms he is gay, she will leave him. The big qutn is: How n a gay man affirm his inty wh other gay men and at the same time rema te to his wife? Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv.