When Gay Men (Mis)Marry Straight Women: Bonnie Kaye's Story | Psychology Today

Contents:

• ‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• STRAIGHT UPL GET MARRIED EARLIER THAN GAY UPL. HERE'S A LOOK AT WHY.
• GAYS AND LBIANS HAVE DIFFERENT REASONS TO GET MARRIED, STUDY SAYS
• HERE ARE THE STAT WHERE GAY COUPL CAN GET MARRIED
• GAY PEOPLE WHO WERE IN HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAG ARE SHARG THEIR STORI, AND THEY WERE INCREDIBLY HONT
• HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2
• SHOULD GAY MARRIAGE BE LEGAL?

‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV

” Jim, now 62, ns a group Boston lled GAMMA – the Gay and Married Men’s Associatn – one of many siar groups which meet ci around the a month they gather for two hours to share stori. ”He patiently explas to them that the group is actually for gay men heterosexual marriag. In Boston, Jim says he’s seen men outed after beg arrted cisg at gay bears, or outed by private vtigators hired by their those who are still the closet, n be paful, terrifyg, and exhstg.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

He knew he had been attracted to men adolcence, but was somethg he tried not to thk was the mid-70s, but spe the sexual revolutn happeng around him, he says homosexualy jt wasn’t somethg you thought loved his wife.

“Some guys believe that beg gay has lerally jt happened then, but then you dig a ltle eper and you often fd out that they’ve had [those feelgs] sce childhood, ” he both Sydney and Boston, the average age of men who e to group meetgs has been fallg.

“A lot of the younger people we see knew they were gay and realised but wanted to have the tradnal fay and kids and thought they uld ratnalise , or told themselv they were bi, ” Jim says. ”Rippg off the band-aidJim says didn’t que click for him that he was gay until he was his early 30s and accintally stumbled upon a gay beat a public bathroom. A world of gay cisg opened up to him, he realised there were others like him, and that they were everywhere.

STRAIGHT UPL GET MARRIED EARLIER THAN GAY UPL. HERE'S A LOOK AT WHY.

The married father of two sudnly found himself navigatg the gay datg world for the first time. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men. If a hband is gay, n vastate not only the relatnship but the straight wife as well. If the hband is hont wh both you and wh himself (read: How Do I Know If I Am Gay?

Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own. In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved.

GAYS AND LBIANS HAVE DIFFERENT REASONS TO GET MARRIED, STUDY SAYS

But if you're wonrg, "Is my man gay, " might be helpful to know that there are signs to look for, acrdg to Kaye.

Kaye has veloped the Official Gay Hband Checklist to help women know if their hbands are gay. You fd pop-ups of gay pornography on the puter while he claims they are not his.

A hband may be gay and display none of those signs or a hband may display the signs and not be gay. Kaye advis that women "follow their stcts" when cidg whether their hband may be gay. If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner.

HERE ARE THE STAT WHERE GAY COUPL CAN GET MARRIED

(If you're thkg that you n cure the gay by havg your hband go to gay nversn therapy, read this. What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife.

The wife has not been aquate any way and likely the gay hband married her bee he tly red about her. And until 2015 – when the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage – that didn't clu data shows that the average age at first marriage for homosexual upl was olr than heterosexual upl. Same-sex marriage is now legal across the Uned Stat, but rearch on the reasons gays and lbians get married is sparse.

GAY PEOPLE WHO WERE IN HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAG ARE SHARG THEIR STORI, AND THEY WERE INCREDIBLY HONT

) The 1, 381 upl the study—672 lbian and 709 gay upl—were enterg their first unns and were between the ag of 20 and 64. ) The thors found that gays and lbians got married for very different reasons. Most gay upl entered their unn whout kids, and that number remaed close to zero after marriage; the thors nclud that “the ma functn of registered partnership for gays is rource poolg, ” they wre the paper.

HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO

” In other words, gay upl were more likely to get married to be and rourc; lbians tend to e marriage as a steppg stool towards creatg a fay, further emphasized by a spike lbians registerg for marriage 2002, the year when jot adoptn was ma legal. Havg kids is pecially expensive for gay mean, who need to fd an egg and a gtatnal rrier—a problem lbian upl don’t have. What’s astonishg about the new rearch is that showed that lbian upl are often not as assortatively matched as heterosexual upl, or even gay men.

8 Wyomg beme the latt state to legalize gay marriage Tuday after state lawyers filed a legal notice sayg they would not appeal a urt cisn that overturned the state’s same-sex marriage ban.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

That means gay upl n now marry the state where gay teen Matthew Shepherd was beaten to ath 1998, what beme known as a high-profile hate-crime. The news after a feral judge stck down Arizona’s same-sex marriage ban Friday, makg Wyomg the latt a seri of urt cisns that have opened the door for gay marriage that state and 12 others this month. The cisn to ny appeals signals that the Supreme Court agreed wh lower urts’ lgs that rtrictns on gay marriage were unnstutnal, but the Court did not yet want to make a sweepg lg that appli to all 50 stat.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2

Colorado, North Carola, and Wt Virgia have already dited they will allow gay upl to marry. On October 7, a feral urt San Francis clared Idaho and Nevada’s gay marriage bans unnstutnal.

12, an Alaska urt overturned the state’s 16-year old nstutnal amendment banng gay marriage, allowg same-sex upl to marry for the first time. Governor Sean Parnell said the state would appeal, but that se would go to the Nth Circu, the same urt that stck down Idaho and Nevada’s gay marriage ban.

SHOULD GAY MARRIAGE BE LEGAL?

We recently asked the gay members of the BuzzFeed Communy to share their stori about g out after they'd been a heterosexual marriage. "I knew I was gay, but where I grew up was not OK to be gay, so I hid my imagary closet too sred to e out for fear that I would be beaten up and rejected.

My two children om my first marriage, who happened to be gay, were both very supportive and are thrilled that I’m fally happy. I got sober and started EMDR therapy and eventually me to terms that my sexualy was the reason for a lot of drkg, anger, and ternalized homophobia.

His marriage fell apart shortly after my dad was born, partly bee of him beg gay and partly bee of other unrelated issu. Not to be rny, but I’m gay myself and to see someone my fay that was gay and end up happy was amazg.