‘Comg Out... Scribblgs From The Heart’ talks about experienc of a gay man and his stggle wh self-doubt.
Contents:
- I FELT LIKE I WAS BEG RAPED: CONFSNS OF A GAY MARRIED MAN‘COMG OUT... SCRIBBLGS FROM THE HEART’ TALKS ABOUT EXPERIENC OF A GAY MAN AND HIS STGGLE WH SELF-DOUBT.KRAGYAUPDATED: 12 FEB 2016, 11:33 AM ISTLGBT4 M READSHARE THE QUT DAILY
- CONFSNS OF A GAY JU: HOW I WAS FORCED TO LEAVE MY CHURCH—AND CALLGFAHBEN BRENKERT WANTED TO BE A PRIT, BUT NONTED BY THE HYPOCRISY AND PREJUDICE OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH HE HAD TO QU. HERE, A POWERFUL, HEARTFELT SAY, HE EXPLAS WHY.BEN BRENKERTUPDATED APR. 14, 2017 12:07PM EDT / PUBLISHED FEB. 25, 2015 5:15AM EST BENJAM BRENKERT TODAY, AT 35, I AM A GAY SEMARIAN WHO STILL NEEDS HUMAN TOUCH. FOR ME THE BT PLACE IS THE EPISPAL CHURCH. SOME DAY I WILL BE A PRIT, HOPEFULLY MARRIED WH CHILDREN. THAT’S WHAT I’M LOOKG FOR, LOVE; FALLS UNR THE BRIC OF MORN LOVE. I AM A MORN GAY CHRISTIAN SEARCH OF LOVE, ONE WHO STILL WANTS TO BEE A PRIT.FROM 2004 TO 2014 I WAS A JU, A MEMBER OF THE SOCIETY OF J GOOD STANDG, AN ORR GONE GLOBAL BY THE ELECTN OF POPE FRANCIS I. I LEFT THE JUS BEE I LEFT THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH. I WOULD NOT BE AN OPENLY GAY PRIT A CHURCH THAT FIR LGBTQ EMPLOYE AND VOLUNTEERS. I LEFT PROTT: HOW ULD I BE AN OPENLY GAY PRIT WHO FIR LGBTQ EMPLOYE AND VOLUNTEERS?HERE’S MY STORY; IS AN EXPERIMENT WH TTH TELLG, AS MUCH AS IS ABOUT JTICE FOR LGBTQ CHRISTIANS AND NON-CHRISTIANS, MEN, WOMEN AND CHILDREN WHO HAVE BEEN EPLY AFFECTED BY THE LENNIA OF ANTI-GAY THEOLOGY AND HATE SPEECH POED BY THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH. THE EFFECTS OF THIS VLENCE LGER TODAY.MY STORY TAK ON CLOSETED GAY PRITS, JUS OR NOT, AND TELLS THEM TO E OUT. MY STORY ENDS BY RADILLY LLG UPON POPE FRANCIS I AND HIS BROTHER JUS, ED ANYONE WHO HAS FIRED AN LGBTQ EMPLOYEE OR VOLUNTEER, TO RESTATE THEM TODAY. SCE I WAS A TEENAGER, 15 YEARS OLD, I LONGED TO BE A PRIT AS SERLY AS OTHERS DREAM OF A VOTN OR A REER: TO BEE A DOCTOR, A TEACHER, A WRER. JT BEE I WAS GAY, I FELT WAS NO REASON FOR ME NOT TO PURSUE MY DREAM.I GREW UP VALLEY STREAM, A SUBURBAN VILLAGE ON LONG ISLAND, THE SON OF AN FDNY FIRE SPECTOR AND A MOM THAT WORKED FOR NASS DOWNS OFF TRACK BETTG. MORE THAN ANYTHG ELSE WE WERE A ROMAN CATHOLIC FAY WHO ORRED OUR LIV AROUND THE LIFE OF THE CHURCH, AS MUCH AS WE DID BIG ITALIAN MEALS AND BROADWAY SHOWS.ME WAS A CENT CHILDHOOD, BUT AT HOME I ULD NEVER FULLY BE MYSELF, THE CHURCH’S TEACHG ON HOMOSEXUALY BURNED ANY GENUE RELATNSHIP BETWEEN MY PARENTS AND ME AND MY FOUR SIBLGS AND ME. THIS IS STILL TE TODAY. IN 2002, AT 22, AFTER SEVEN YEARS OF HAPPILY DISCERNG A LL TO BEE A ROMAN CATHOLIC PRIT, I ALMOST THREW THE TOWEL. I’D HAD ENOUGH DNER MEETGS WH BISHOPS AND PRITS OM THE DCE OF LONG ISLAND AND THE SOCIETY OF MARY (THE MARISTS) TO KNOW THAT I ULD NOT BE AN OPENLY GAY MAN THEIR URSE OF STUDY. NO ONE EVER SPOKE TO ME ABOUT THE SUBJECT OF SEX OR SEXUALY: THIS DREW ENOUGH RED FLAGS FOR ME.STILL SIRG TO BE A PRIT, I PRAYED FOR GUIDANCE AND REMEMBERED TWO JU PRITS, FATHERS MATEO RICCI AND WALTER CISZEK, MEMBERS OF THE SOCIETY OF J (THE JUS), MEMBERS OF WHAT I WOULD QUICKLY LEARN WAS THE LARGT, MOST PROGRSIVE AND GAY-IENDLY RELIG ORR THE CHURCH.BOTH FRS. RICCI AND CISZEK WERE MISSNARI WHO RPOND TO GOD AND SERVED THE CHURCH ASIA; BOTH WERE FORMED ACRDG TO THE SPIRUALY OF SAT IGNATI OF LOYOLA, THE BASQUE NOBLEMAN WHO FOUND THE ORR 1540. LOYOLA SET HIS MEN APART OM OTHER RELIG ORRS BY GIVG THEM THE TOOLS TO MIX WH THE UPPER CLASS AT UNIVERSI OR URTS, BUT BOUND THEM ALSO TO SERVE THE POOR AND LEAST AMONG , CHILDREN. IN THE MEN I SAW MYSELF.AS I DISCERNED ENTRY TO THE JUS, MANY CLOSE IENDS BATED ME ABOUT HOMOSEXUALY AND CATHOLICISM, SENTIALLY QUTNG MY LLG. MY IEND KATIE ASKED ME HOW I ULD DITE MY LIFE TO AN STUTN THAT LABELED ME AS TRSILLY DISORRED, ONE WHO SAW GAY SEXUAL ACTS ARE EVIL.BUT I SAW HOMOSEXUALY AND CATHOLICISM THE MOST HOLISTIC WAY, AND I PUT MY NEEDS FOR SELF-PRERVATN LAST BEE I WANTED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE THE LIFE OF LGBTQ YOUTH. I THOUGHT I ULD CHANGE THGS OM THE SI, BUT TO DO THIS RIGHT I HAD TO ENTER THE CHURCH’S MOST GAY IENDLY ORR, AN ORR WH POLIL AND SOCIAL NNECTNS THAT RIVALED THE BELTWAY.EVEN THEN I KNEW WOULD TAKE YEARS AND YEARS TO UNDO THE DAMAGE DONE TO THE LGBTQ MUNY BY THE CHURCH, DAMAGE I HOPED TO HELP REPAIR MY LIFETIME AS A PRIT.I TOO WANTED TO HELP PEOPLE, PECIALLY GAY PEOPLE LIKE MYSELF, WHO BELONG TO A CHURCH THAT DON’T ACCEPT THEM. I KNEW CATHOLICISM WAS ANTI-GAY (JT READ THE CATECHISM OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH), BUT SOON ENOUGH THE GAY JUS I’D MEET REJECTED THE PREVAILG ETHOS ON THAT. BUT I WAS NAïVE, TOO IALISTIC AND P, SOLD A BILL OF GOODS WHEN I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW BIG THE ROCK WAS THAT I’D BE PHG UP THE MOUNTA. I ENTERED THE JUS 2005 AT THE AGE OF 25.IN 2006, AT 26, WE JU NOVIC STUDIED TOGETHER DENVER. DURG THIS SUMMER GAY JUS MET PERDILLY, SECRET TO DISCS THE LACK OF HOSPALY AND WELE BY OUR STRAIGHT BROTHERS. MANY SPOKE ABOUT HOW THIS LED THEM TO THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL, TO WHAT SOME TERPRETED AS AN UNHEALTHY OF PORNOGRAPHY, WHEN WHAT THEY REALLY WANTED WAS GENUE HUMAN NNECTN.OF URSE, G PORN NTRADICTED ONE’S VOW OF CHASTY. ONE IMMATURE NOVICE SAID THAT FOR HIM GAY PORN WAS BUT ONE MEANS TO KEEP HIS “GAY SELF” ALIVE AND STILL NNECTED TO A MUNY SO OFTEN ALIENATED BY THE CHURCH; FOR ME, HE WAS ERRONEOLY PROJECTG HIS OWN SENSE OF ISOLATN AND ALIENATN BY THE CHURCH ONTO THE GAY PORN DTRY.IN THOSE SECRET MEETGS WE DISCSED WHY WAS OK FOR OUR STRAIGHT BROTHERS TO MAKE C JOK ABOUT WOMEN DURG DNER WHILE WE ULD NOT DISCS EX-BOYIENDS OR WHAT MEANT TO BE HEALTHY, CHASTE GAY MAN. OUR LLGS WE OPED WERE OM GOD IRRPECTIVE OF OUR SEXUAL ORIENTATN.WE DISCSED HOW OFTEN WE SUCCUMB TO OUR NATURAL FEELGS THROUGH MASTURBATN, WHICH SOME OF OUR NOVICE DIRECTORS TRIED TO TEACH TO NTROL. WE FELT WE ULD LIVE OUR VOWS OF POVERTY, CHASTY, AND OBEDIENCE JT AS THENTILLY AS OUR STRAIGHT BROTHERS.THAT SUMMER E.S., A YOUNGISH, BLUE-EYED, PIANO-PLAYG BOY OM MASSACHETTS AND I HAD AN AFFAIR THAT LASTED SEVERAL WEEKS. WE NEVER HAD SEXUAL TERURSE, BUT WE DID JT ABOUT EVERYTHG ELSE. AS I PROFSED VOWS MY VOICE QUAVERED. WHAT WAS I DOG? WHY WAS I, A HEALTHY TEGRATED GAY MAN, CHOOSG LIFE A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT, SELF-SELECTG, AND EELY RPONDG TO A VOTN A CHURCH THAT PRACTIC “DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL” THROUGH THE IMPNT GUISE OF HATE THE S, LOVE THE SNER?BUT GOD HAD LLED ME, AND BEFORE I KNEW I WAS, AT 27, ON MY WAY TO ST. LOUIS FOR FURTHER TRAG. IN ST. LOUIS I LEARNED FIRSTHAND ABOUT THE SECRET, SNDALO WORLD OF GAY JUS.WHILE ST. LOUIS I MET A ATERNY OF MEN JT OUT OF SIAR NOVIAT, WHOSE NEWFOUND EEDOM LED THEM TO GAY OR STRAIGHT BARS, BUT ALSO TO “THE 4TH HOE” WHERE WE WOULD ALL GATHER FOR LIBATNS AND PIZZAS. I WAS SHOCKED BY HOW MUCH DRKG WENT ON THAT FIRST YEAR. I WAS MORE SHOCKED BY THE STORI I’D HEAR OF YOUNGER JUS FATHERG BABI, AND GAY JUS FONDLG EACH OTHER VANS ON THE WAY TO RETREATS.THE MEN WERE GAY JUS WHOM THE CHURCH AND THE SOCIETY OF J EMBRACED, GAY MEN WHO ACRDG TO THE CHURCH’S TEACHG WERE STILL OBJECTIVELY DISORRED, TRSILLY VIANT OM THE NATURAL WORLD AND SOCIAL ORR.WAS THE SOCIETY OF J DOG , OR THE LGBTQ MUNY, ANY FAVORS BY KEEPG ?WHILE ST. LOUIS I WAS TOLD BY MY SUPERRS NOT TO WRE ABOUT LGBTQ ISSU, THAT SUCH A MMENT TO SOCIAL JTICE, WHILE HELPFUL, WOULD DRAW RED FLAGS AND POSSIBLY LAY MY ORDATN TO THE PRITHOOD. OUTSI THE CLASSROOM I HAD OTHER THGS TO WORRY ABOUT. I HERED THE UNHEALTHY SEXUAL APPETE OF A YOUNG JU WHO ENTERED RELIG LIFE RIGHT AFTER HIGH SCHOOL.M.B. WAS A STRIKGLY ATTRACTIVE YOUNG POLISH MAN OM ST. LOUIS WHOSE SEXUAL APPETE WAS RAPAC, AND WHOSE ATTRACTN TO ME NEVER CEASED. WH TIME HIS ADVANC GREW MORE AGGRSIVE. WE SPENT A WEEKEND AT A VATN HOME GREEN HILLS, WHEN M.B. ASKED ME TO SLEEP WH HIM. DURG THAT WEEKEND M.B. TOLD ME ABOUT AT LEAST ONE AFFAIR WH ANOTHER JU, M.P. LATER, WHEN M.B. SUGGTED WE HAVE A THREOME I KNEW THAT OUR OWN SEXUAL TIMACY THE BASEMENT OF THE “4TH HOE” HAD STIRRED HIS ADDICTN TO SEX, AND TO ME. BEFORE LONG WE WERE SKIPPG MEALS AND PAPER WRG AND FDG OUR UAL SPOT ON THE MP OF ST. LOUIS UNIVERSY TO EMBRACE, AND KISS AND DRY HUMP. HE TOLD ME HIS NICKNAME FOR HIS PENIS, “THE AMAZON.”ONCE WHEN I TOLD MY ACTG SUPERR FR. S. ABOUT M.B.’S ADVANC HE SHGGED HIS SHOULRS AND SAID, “WHY RIST? TO HIM YOU’RE SO EXOTIC.” I SURMISED THAT I WAS EXOTIC BEE OF MY GOOD LOOKS AND CHARM, BUT WAS THAT AN EXCE TO BREAK MY VOWS AND GIVE TO M.B.’S AGGRSIVE ADVANC?AS I LEFT ST. LOUIS, 2010 AT THE AGE OF 30, TO WORK OUR JU PREP SCHOOL NEW JERSEY, I MORE AND MORE CRIED MY ABILY TO WORK FOR LGBTQ JTICE AND EQUALY. TO DO SO I HAD TO TALK ABOUT CIVIL RIGHTS AND THE EXPERIENCE OF AIN AMERINS AT THE EXPENSE OF TALKG ABOUT ISSU RELEVANT TO THE LGBTQ MUNY.I ULD TALK ABOUT RACISM BUT NOT HOMOPHOBIA. I ULD MIX WH AIN-AMERIN STUNTS, BUT BE REPRIMAND WHEN I WORKED TOO CLOSELY WH BREAKG BARRIERS, THE SCHOOL’S “GAY-STRAIGHT ALLIANCE.”EVERY TIME I HEARD A PREP STUNT E THE TERM “FAGGOT,” OR UNSELED A GAY STUNT BULLIED BY HIS PEERS, I THOUGHT OF JAM BALDW’S SAY, ‘STRANGER IN THE VILLAGE,’ (PDF) WHERE HE WR, “THE CHILDREN WHO SHOUT ‘NEGER!’ HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWG THE ECHO THIS SOUND RAIS ME.”RECENTLY, A MARRIED LBIAN FORMER LLEAGUE CHID ME, “WHY DIDN’T YOU DO MORE WHEN YOU WERE WH ?” MY ANSWER: TO WORK OM WH I HAD TO PLAY THE GAME. THAT ANSWER WAS NOT SUFFICIENT: WAS I A WARD? NO, I DON’T THK SO. TO DO SOMETHG I NEED TO BE ORDAED, I WASN’T THERE YET. OVER TIME I GREW TIRED OF WAG FOR ORDATN.ABOUT THE SECRET WORLD OF GAY JUS: I ULD GO ON AND ON ABOUT GAY JUS PLAYG THE PIANO THE WT VILLAGE’S DUPLEX OR ABOUT THE NIGHTS I SPENT AT NYC’S SPLASH BAR OR EAGLE CLUB. I ULD TALK ABOUT HOW OLR GAY JUS SWAM NU DURG SUMMERS AT VILLA HOM, ABOUT JUS WHO GROPED EACH OTHER HOT TUBS, OR JUS WHO WERE GAY THE ORR BUT WHO ARE NOW SAFELY MARRIED. I ULD TALK ABOUT GAY JUS THAT HAD ONLE AVATARS AND MEMBERSHIPS TO GAY ONLE DATG S. I ULD TALK ABOUT FAILED JU HOOK-UPS, MY OWN AND OTHERS.THERE WERE THE GAY JUS WHO WERE SO CLOSETED THAT THEY HID BEHD NSERVATISM, LEAVG THE JUS FOR FORMATN PROGRAMS DC ACROSS THE UNED STAT. THERE WERE GAY JUS WHO WERE PUT CLERIL PRISON FOR EMBRACG UNRGRADS TOO LONG, AND OTHERS WHO ATTEND SEXAHOLICS ANONYMO, OR WHOSE PERSONAL LLECTN OF PORNOGRAPHY WAS MISTAKENLY PLAYED DURG HIGH SCHOOL LECTUR. I MYSELF WAS GROOMED FOR SEX BY SEVERAL OLR JUS. I SAW THE VEHEMENT TERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA OF SOME JUS, AND KNEW OF CERTA GAY PASTORS REMOVED OM JOBS SO THAT LS OUT AND MORE PASSABLE GAY JUS REPLACE THEM AT GAY-IENDLY PARISH.THERE WERE GAY JUS WHO TRAVELED THE WORLD TO SCUBA DIVE OR TASTE FRENCH WE. ONE GAY JU OFFERED TO MARRY ME AS I PARTED THE SOCIETY OF J. I LAMENT THAT THE GAY JUS REMA SILENT WHILE THEIR GAY OR LBIAN LAY LLEAGU ARE FIRED OM JOBS AND BROUGHT CLOSER TO POVERTY.AT 35, I NTUE TO PONR THE QUTN: WHY IS FAIR FOR THE CHURCH TO ORDA GAY MEN WHO SNEAK OUT AT NIGHT JT TO BE WH OTHER MEN OF THEIR MUNY, WHILE THE CHURCH NMNS GAYS WHO WANT TO MARRY AND TO EXPRS THEIR LOVE?ONE WEEK AGO AT POSH, A POPULAR NEW YORK CY GAY BAR, A GAY CATHOLIC WHO WORSHIPS AT THE PLIST CHURCH NEAR FORDHAM UNIVERSY’S LLN CENTER CAMP TOLD ME NOT TO BE ANGRY WH THE CHURCH. HE ADD THAT THE PLIST CHURCH DO WONRS FOR HIM AND HIS PEERS BEE THEY INTIFY THE LGBTQ MUNY THE BULLET AND OTHER PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENTS. IS THAT A MEASURE OF VICTORY FOR THE LGBTQ MUNY?THIS GAY MAN SAID THAT HE HAD FALLY CID TO MOVE WH HIS PARTNER OF SEVEN YEARS, BUT THAT THEY WOULD NEVER MARRY. WHEN I ASKED WHY, HE SAID MARRIAGE IS NOT THE BE-ALL AND END-ALL OF LIFE FOR GAY CATHOLICS. THIS SAME MAN TOLD ME HE’S SPOTTED THE JU PASTOR OF A LOL PARISH AT POSH A NUMBER OF TIM OVER THE PAST YEAR.THIS NVERSATN HNTED ME FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS. HERE IS A GAY MAN WHO DON’T WANT TO RECEIVE A SACRAMENTAL MARRIAGE OR BE REGNIZED BY HIS CHURCH MUNY, HIMSELF OBSERVG A GAY PRIT SECRETLY EQUENTG A GAY BAR. THE TWO MEN SHOULD MEET: MAYBE MY NEW IEND ULD HELP MY JU BROTHER TO E OUT OF THE CLOSET.AT EVERY NEW STAGE OF FORMATN, I MET MORE AND MORE GAY JUS WHO WERE HAPPIER SIPPG STCH, ORRG CIGARS, OPERA TICKETS, AND SHO, PUBLISHG BOOKS OR HOLDG SECRET MASS WH LGBTQ SYMPATHIZERS (THAT FOLLOWED UNSANCTNED LURGIL BRICS) THAN PUBLICLY NONTG THE JTICE EXPERIENCED BY MEMBERS OF THEIR MUNY. THEIR SILENCE PAED ME. WHY WON’T THE GAY PRITS JT E OUT?I BELIEVE THE GAY JUS WON’T E OUT BEE THEY LIVE FORTABLE LIV, WH ACCS TO SO MANY THGS, LIKE THE LATT TECHNOLOGY OR VILLAS ABROAD OR TENURED POSNS AT UNIVERSI, NOT TO MENTN THE UNLIMED GAS RDS THAT MAKE DOMTIC TRAVEL REALLY EASY.IN OTHER WORDS, THE GAY JUS ARE LIVG BETTER LIV THAN THE TIMATED 320,000 TO 400,000 HOMELS LGBTQ YOUTH AMERI. WHY THEY DON’T SPEAK UP IS BEYOND ME. WHICH IS WHY I LEFT THE CHURCH PROTT OVER S NTUED ILL TREATMENT OF LGBTQ CHRISTIANS AND NON-CHRISTIANS.MY FAL G OUT THE JUS ME LAST SPRG; WAS 2014, MONTHS AFTER I LEARNED ABOUT THE FIRG OF HERO LIKE NICHOLAS COPPOLA AND COLLEEN SIMON OM TWO OF OUR JU STUTNS. COPPOLA AND SIMON ARE MARRIED TO PARTNERS OF THE SAME SEX.I NTACTED MY SUPERR, AND OTHER LEARS OF THE JUS AND STARTED A NVERSATN ABOUT JTICE AND EQUALY. I SAID, WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHG, WE MT STAND UP PUBLICLY AGAST THE FIRG OF LGBTQ EMPLOYE AND VOLUNTEERS.I REALIZED NOTHG WOULD BE DONE, AS SUCH I PENNED AN OPEN LETTER TO POPE FRANCIS.IN I ASKED HIM TO HELP SAVE MY VOTN BY LLG FOR AN END TO THE FIRG OF LGBTQ EMPLOYE AND VOLUNTEERS. I QUTNED WHY HE WOULD ALLOW THE UNED STAT CONFERENCE OF CATHOLIC BISHOPS TO FIRE PEOPLE, AND BRG THEM CLOSER TO POVERTY, SOME OF WHOM MAKE LS THAN $15 AN HOUR (WHOUT HEALTH RE).IN JULY, I MAILED POPE FRANCIS AND THE JU SUPERR GENERAL FR. ADOLFO NICHOLAS HARD PI OF THE LETTER. THEY NEVER RPOND. I THOUGHT: WASN’T THIS THE ERA OF “WHO AM I TO JUDGE?”BUT THE POPE WHO LLED SO MANY OTHERS NEVER LLED ME. OF URSE, I WASN’T AS NAIVE AS TO THK THIS PROBLEM WOULD BE SOLVED ONE PHONE LL. BUT THAT’S THE IMPRSN THE POPE GIV—THAT ANY ONE STATEMENT HERED BY HIM SOLV PROBLEMS THAT HAVE HAD NEGATIVE NSEQUENC FOR LENNIA. TO ME, THAT IS THE FRANCIS FECT.EMPLOYE AND VOLUNTEERS LIKE COPPOLA AND SIMON WERE FIRED FOR WHO THEY ARE. EVEN AS POPE FRANCIS PREPAR TO VIS THE UNED STAT, THE UNED STAT CONFERENCE OF CATHOLIC BISHOPS IS TOLERANTLY STRINT S OPPOSN TO FRANCIS’S LIBERALISM. LOOK AT THE ARCHDCE OF SAN FRANCIS’S RECENT PROPOSAL TO IMPLEMENT MORALY CLS EMPLOYMENT NTRACTS.THE POPE AND THE SOCIETY OF J MT RESTATE MEN AND WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN FIRED OM JOBS (AND VOLUNTEER ACTIVI). THIS IS NOT SOME RADIL IAL. AFTER ALL, THIS POPE HAS CHANGED THE DISURSE ABOUT HUMAN NATURE, AND WHILE THE TONE IS H AND NEW THE SUBSTANCE MT MATCH THAT SPIR.AS I LOOK TO DOCTORAL PROGRAMS THEOLOGY, I PRACTICE CLIL SOCIAL WORK FOR A MAJOR NONPROF THE BRONX. I WORK WH TEENAGE BOYS WHO ARE BULLIED BY THE PEERS, NEGATIVELY LABELED AS GAY OR LLED “FAGGOTS.”“WHY?” I OFTEN THK ABOUT THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH AND HER FLUENCE ON SECULAR SOCIETY. I HAVE NO REGRETS ABOUT LEAVG THE JUS. MY FAY DO, BUT THEIR LAMENTATNS SPEAK TO THEIR OWN DISFORT WH MY SEXUALY AND SAME-SEX SIRE GENERALLY.THAT’S NOT MY BATTLE ANYMORE; I AM A HAPPY, NFINT, AND GRATEFUL GAY MAN. LIKE THE CHURCH, MY FAY HAS THEIR OWN SKELETONS TO AL WH, BUT I’LL NEVER EVER GO BACK TO THE CLOSET. I’LL NEVER AGA BE A SPEGOAT FOR ANYONE’S WAR WH CULTURE, NOT NATURE.WHAT DO I SIRE? WELL, I’M BACK ON THE MARKET, DATG, AND G APPS LIKE TR, TO LOOK FOR A MAN WH WHOM I N SHARE THE JOYS AND SORROWS OF LIFE, A MAN WH WHOM I N MARRY, AND LOVE, AND RAISE CHILDREN. I REALIZE NOW IS LOVE THAT IS UNIVERSAL, NOT CELIBACY.I NTUE TO RPOND TO GOD’S VATN TO ME TO BE A PRIT. FOR ME, THAT ULD BE THE EPISPAL CHURCH. AT THE EASTER VIGIL LURGY, I’LL BE RECEIVED TO THE EPISPAL CHURCH. I AM HAPPY TO LL ST. LE THE FIELDS GREENWICH VILLAGE MY SPIRUAL HOME.WHILE I’LL ALWAYS BE PRITLY, PRITHOOD IS LS IMPORTANT FOR ME THAN FEATG SOCIAL S AND STCTURAL EVIL, BOTH OF WHICH HAVE UNNECSARILY NTRIBUTED TO VLENCE AGAST THE LGBTQ MUNY, THE MUNY I EPLY ADMIRE AND EPLY LOVE. MY STORY IS AN EXPERIMENT WH TTH-TELLG SO MUCH AS REVEALS THE HYPOCRISY OF AN STUTN BEHOLN TO A RHETORIC AND A THEOLOGY THAT IS FAR OM MEETG PEOPLE WHERE THEY ARE.THAT J HELD HIS BELOVED DISCIPLE JOHN CLOSE TO HIS BREAST AT THE LAST SUPPER TELLS ME SOMETHG ABOUT WHERE THE CHURCH SHOULD BE. IT SHOULD HOLD THOSE LGBTQ MEN, WOMEN, AND CHILDREN CLOSER TO HER BREAST, AND THANK GOD THAT SOME OF THEM STILL JOURNEY THE MUNN LE TO SAY “AMEN,” AND NOT “ADI.” BEN BRENKERT
- CONFSNS OF A GAY MAN
- CONFSNS OF A GAY MAN
I FELT LIKE I WAS BEG RAPED: CONFSNS OF A GAY MARRIED MAN‘COMG OUT... SCRIBBLGS FROM THE HEART’ TALKS ABOUT EXPERIENC OF A GAY MAN AND HIS STGGLE WH SELF-DOUBT.KRAGYAUPDATED: 12 FEB 2016, 11:33 AM ISTLGBT4 M READSHARE THE QUT DAILY
* confessions of a gay man *
In 2009, one uld say he or she was gay and proud. The Delhi High Court had crimalised homosexualy a landmark that changed December 2013 when the Supreme Court overturned the verdict and phed the LGBT muny to the shadows once aga.
Kragya (name changed), a middle aged gay male wants to e out wh his sexual inty but feels nstraed to do so given the prevalent social and legal attu.
CONFSNS OF A GAY JU: HOW I WAS FORCED TO LEAVE MY CHURCH—AND CALLGFAHBEN BRENKERT WANTED TO BE A PRIT, BUT NONTED BY THE HYPOCRISY AND PREJUDICE OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH HE HAD TO QU. HERE, A POWERFUL, HEARTFELT SAY, HE EXPLAS WHY.BEN BRENKERTUPDATED APR. 14, 2017 12:07PM EDT / PUBLISHED FEB. 25, 2015 5:15AM EST BENJAM BRENKERT TODAY, AT 35, I AM A GAY SEMARIAN WHO STILL NEEDS HUMAN TOUCH. FOR ME THE BT PLACE IS THE EPISPAL CHURCH. SOME DAY I WILL BE A PRIT, HOPEFULLY MARRIED WH CHILDREN. THAT’S WHAT I’M LOOKG FOR, LOVE; FALLS UNR THE BRIC OF MORN LOVE. I AM A MORN GAY CHRISTIAN SEARCH OF LOVE, ONE WHO STILL WANTS TO BEE A PRIT.FROM 2004 TO 2014 I WAS A JU, A MEMBER OF THE SOCIETY OF J GOOD STANDG, AN ORR GONE GLOBAL BY THE ELECTN OF POPE FRANCIS I. I LEFT THE JUS BEE I LEFT THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH. I WOULD NOT BE AN OPENLY GAY PRIT A CHURCH THAT FIR LGBTQ EMPLOYE AND VOLUNTEERS. I LEFT PROTT: HOW ULD I BE AN OPENLY GAY PRIT WHO FIR LGBTQ EMPLOYE AND VOLUNTEERS?HERE’S MY STORY; IS AN EXPERIMENT WH TTH TELLG, AS MUCH AS IS ABOUT JTICE FOR LGBTQ CHRISTIANS AND NON-CHRISTIANS, MEN, WOMEN AND CHILDREN WHO HAVE BEEN EPLY AFFECTED BY THE LENNIA OF ANTI-GAY THEOLOGY AND HATE SPEECH POED BY THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH. THE EFFECTS OF THIS VLENCE LGER TODAY.MY STORY TAK ON CLOSETED GAY PRITS, JUS OR NOT, AND TELLS THEM TO E OUT. MY STORY ENDS BY RADILLY LLG UPON POPE FRANCIS I AND HIS BROTHER JUS, ED ANYONE WHO HAS FIRED AN LGBTQ EMPLOYEE OR VOLUNTEER, TO RESTATE THEM TODAY. SCE I WAS A TEENAGER, 15 YEARS OLD, I LONGED TO BE A PRIT AS SERLY AS OTHERS DREAM OF A VOTN OR A REER: TO BEE A DOCTOR, A TEACHER, A WRER. JT BEE I WAS GAY, I FELT WAS NO REASON FOR ME NOT TO PURSUE MY DREAM.I GREW UP VALLEY STREAM, A SUBURBAN VILLAGE ON LONG ISLAND, THE SON OF AN FDNY FIRE SPECTOR AND A MOM THAT WORKED FOR NASS DOWNS OFF TRACK BETTG. MORE THAN ANYTHG ELSE WE WERE A ROMAN CATHOLIC FAY WHO ORRED OUR LIV AROUND THE LIFE OF THE CHURCH, AS MUCH AS WE DID BIG ITALIAN MEALS AND BROADWAY SHOWS.ME WAS A CENT CHILDHOOD, BUT AT HOME I ULD NEVER FULLY BE MYSELF, THE CHURCH’S TEACHG ON HOMOSEXUALY BURNED ANY GENUE RELATNSHIP BETWEEN MY PARENTS AND ME AND MY FOUR SIBLGS AND ME. THIS IS STILL TE TODAY. IN 2002, AT 22, AFTER SEVEN YEARS OF HAPPILY DISCERNG A LL TO BEE A ROMAN CATHOLIC PRIT, I ALMOST THREW THE TOWEL. I’D HAD ENOUGH DNER MEETGS WH BISHOPS AND PRITS OM THE DCE OF LONG ISLAND AND THE SOCIETY OF MARY (THE MARISTS) TO KNOW THAT I ULD NOT BE AN OPENLY GAY MAN THEIR URSE OF STUDY. NO ONE EVER SPOKE TO ME ABOUT THE SUBJECT OF SEX OR SEXUALY: THIS DREW ENOUGH RED FLAGS FOR ME.STILL SIRG TO BE A PRIT, I PRAYED FOR GUIDANCE AND REMEMBERED TWO JU PRITS, FATHERS MATEO RICCI AND WALTER CISZEK, MEMBERS OF THE SOCIETY OF J (THE JUS), MEMBERS OF WHAT I WOULD QUICKLY LEARN WAS THE LARGT, MOST PROGRSIVE AND GAY-IENDLY RELIG ORR THE CHURCH.BOTH FRS. RICCI AND CISZEK WERE MISSNARI WHO RPOND TO GOD AND SERVED THE CHURCH ASIA; BOTH WERE FORMED ACRDG TO THE SPIRUALY OF SAT IGNATI OF LOYOLA, THE BASQUE NOBLEMAN WHO FOUND THE ORR 1540. LOYOLA SET HIS MEN APART OM OTHER RELIG ORRS BY GIVG THEM THE TOOLS TO MIX WH THE UPPER CLASS AT UNIVERSI OR URTS, BUT BOUND THEM ALSO TO SERVE THE POOR AND LEAST AMONG , CHILDREN. IN THE MEN I SAW MYSELF.AS I DISCERNED ENTRY TO THE JUS, MANY CLOSE IENDS BATED ME ABOUT HOMOSEXUALY AND CATHOLICISM, SENTIALLY QUTNG MY LLG. MY IEND KATIE ASKED ME HOW I ULD DITE MY LIFE TO AN STUTN THAT LABELED ME AS TRSILLY DISORRED, ONE WHO SAW GAY SEXUAL ACTS ARE EVIL.BUT I SAW HOMOSEXUALY AND CATHOLICISM THE MOST HOLISTIC WAY, AND I PUT MY NEEDS FOR SELF-PRERVATN LAST BEE I WANTED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE THE LIFE OF LGBTQ YOUTH. I THOUGHT I ULD CHANGE THGS OM THE SI, BUT TO DO THIS RIGHT I HAD TO ENTER THE CHURCH’S MOST GAY IENDLY ORR, AN ORR WH POLIL AND SOCIAL NNECTNS THAT RIVALED THE BELTWAY.EVEN THEN I KNEW WOULD TAKE YEARS AND YEARS TO UNDO THE DAMAGE DONE TO THE LGBTQ MUNY BY THE CHURCH, DAMAGE I HOPED TO HELP REPAIR MY LIFETIME AS A PRIT.I TOO WANTED TO HELP PEOPLE, PECIALLY GAY PEOPLE LIKE MYSELF, WHO BELONG TO A CHURCH THAT DON’T ACCEPT THEM. I KNEW CATHOLICISM WAS ANTI-GAY (JT READ THE CATECHISM OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH), BUT SOON ENOUGH THE GAY JUS I’D MEET REJECTED THE PREVAILG ETHOS ON THAT. BUT I WAS NAïVE, TOO IALISTIC AND P, SOLD A BILL OF GOODS WHEN I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW BIG THE ROCK WAS THAT I’D BE PHG UP THE MOUNTA. I ENTERED THE JUS 2005 AT THE AGE OF 25.IN 2006, AT 26, WE JU NOVIC STUDIED TOGETHER DENVER. DURG THIS SUMMER GAY JUS MET PERDILLY, SECRET TO DISCS THE LACK OF HOSPALY AND WELE BY OUR STRAIGHT BROTHERS. MANY SPOKE ABOUT HOW THIS LED THEM TO THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL, TO WHAT SOME TERPRETED AS AN UNHEALTHY OF PORNOGRAPHY, WHEN WHAT THEY REALLY WANTED WAS GENUE HUMAN NNECTN.OF URSE, G PORN NTRADICTED ONE’S VOW OF CHASTY. ONE IMMATURE NOVICE SAID THAT FOR HIM GAY PORN WAS BUT ONE MEANS TO KEEP HIS “GAY SELF” ALIVE AND STILL NNECTED TO A MUNY SO OFTEN ALIENATED BY THE CHURCH; FOR ME, HE WAS ERRONEOLY PROJECTG HIS OWN SENSE OF ISOLATN AND ALIENATN BY THE CHURCH ONTO THE GAY PORN DTRY.IN THOSE SECRET MEETGS WE DISCSED WHY WAS OK FOR OUR STRAIGHT BROTHERS TO MAKE C JOK ABOUT WOMEN DURG DNER WHILE WE ULD NOT DISCS EX-BOYIENDS OR WHAT MEANT TO BE HEALTHY, CHASTE GAY MAN. OUR LLGS WE OPED WERE OM GOD IRRPECTIVE OF OUR SEXUAL ORIENTATN.WE DISCSED HOW OFTEN WE SUCCUMB TO OUR NATURAL FEELGS THROUGH MASTURBATN, WHICH SOME OF OUR NOVICE DIRECTORS TRIED TO TEACH TO NTROL. WE FELT WE ULD LIVE OUR VOWS OF POVERTY, CHASTY, AND OBEDIENCE JT AS THENTILLY AS OUR STRAIGHT BROTHERS.THAT SUMMER E.S., A YOUNGISH, BLUE-EYED, PIANO-PLAYG BOY OM MASSACHETTS AND I HAD AN AFFAIR THAT LASTED SEVERAL WEEKS. WE NEVER HAD SEXUAL TERURSE, BUT WE DID JT ABOUT EVERYTHG ELSE. AS I PROFSED VOWS MY VOICE QUAVERED. WHAT WAS I DOG? WHY WAS I, A HEALTHY TEGRATED GAY MAN, CHOOSG LIFE A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT, SELF-SELECTG, AND EELY RPONDG TO A VOTN A CHURCH THAT PRACTIC “DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL” THROUGH THE IMPNT GUISE OF HATE THE S, LOVE THE SNER?BUT GOD HAD LLED ME, AND BEFORE I KNEW I WAS, AT 27, ON MY WAY TO ST. LOUIS FOR FURTHER TRAG. IN ST. LOUIS I LEARNED FIRSTHAND ABOUT THE SECRET, SNDALO WORLD OF GAY JUS.WHILE ST. LOUIS I MET A ATERNY OF MEN JT OUT OF SIAR NOVIAT, WHOSE NEWFOUND EEDOM LED THEM TO GAY OR STRAIGHT BARS, BUT ALSO TO “THE 4TH HOE” WHERE WE WOULD ALL GATHER FOR LIBATNS AND PIZZAS. I WAS SHOCKED BY HOW MUCH DRKG WENT ON THAT FIRST YEAR. I WAS MORE SHOCKED BY THE STORI I’D HEAR OF YOUNGER JUS FATHERG BABI, AND GAY JUS FONDLG EACH OTHER VANS ON THE WAY TO RETREATS.THE MEN WERE GAY JUS WHOM THE CHURCH AND THE SOCIETY OF J EMBRACED, GAY MEN WHO ACRDG TO THE CHURCH’S TEACHG WERE STILL OBJECTIVELY DISORRED, TRSILLY VIANT OM THE NATURAL WORLD AND SOCIAL ORR.WAS THE SOCIETY OF J DOG , OR THE LGBTQ MUNY, ANY FAVORS BY KEEPG ?WHILE ST. LOUIS I WAS TOLD BY MY SUPERRS NOT TO WRE ABOUT LGBTQ ISSU, THAT SUCH A MMENT TO SOCIAL JTICE, WHILE HELPFUL, WOULD DRAW RED FLAGS AND POSSIBLY LAY MY ORDATN TO THE PRITHOOD. OUTSI THE CLASSROOM I HAD OTHER THGS TO WORRY ABOUT. I HERED THE UNHEALTHY SEXUAL APPETE OF A YOUNG JU WHO ENTERED RELIG LIFE RIGHT AFTER HIGH SCHOOL.M.B. WAS A STRIKGLY ATTRACTIVE YOUNG POLISH MAN OM ST. LOUIS WHOSE SEXUAL APPETE WAS RAPAC, AND WHOSE ATTRACTN TO ME NEVER CEASED. WH TIME HIS ADVANC GREW MORE AGGRSIVE. WE SPENT A WEEKEND AT A VATN HOME GREEN HILLS, WHEN M.B. ASKED ME TO SLEEP WH HIM. DURG THAT WEEKEND M.B. TOLD ME ABOUT AT LEAST ONE AFFAIR WH ANOTHER JU, M.P. LATER, WHEN M.B. SUGGTED WE HAVE A THREOME I KNEW THAT OUR OWN SEXUAL TIMACY THE BASEMENT OF THE “4TH HOE” HAD STIRRED HIS ADDICTN TO SEX, AND TO ME. BEFORE LONG WE WERE SKIPPG MEALS AND PAPER WRG AND FDG OUR UAL SPOT ON THE MP OF ST. LOUIS UNIVERSY TO EMBRACE, AND KISS AND DRY HUMP. HE TOLD ME HIS NICKNAME FOR HIS PENIS, “THE AMAZON.”ONCE WHEN I TOLD MY ACTG SUPERR FR. S. ABOUT M.B.’S ADVANC HE SHGGED HIS SHOULRS AND SAID, “WHY RIST? TO HIM YOU’RE SO EXOTIC.” I SURMISED THAT I WAS EXOTIC BEE OF MY GOOD LOOKS AND CHARM, BUT WAS THAT AN EXCE TO BREAK MY VOWS AND GIVE TO M.B.’S AGGRSIVE ADVANC?AS I LEFT ST. LOUIS, 2010 AT THE AGE OF 30, TO WORK OUR JU PREP SCHOOL NEW JERSEY, I MORE AND MORE CRIED MY ABILY TO WORK FOR LGBTQ JTICE AND EQUALY. TO DO SO I HAD TO TALK ABOUT CIVIL RIGHTS AND THE EXPERIENCE OF AIN AMERINS AT THE EXPENSE OF TALKG ABOUT ISSU RELEVANT TO THE LGBTQ MUNY.I ULD TALK ABOUT RACISM BUT NOT HOMOPHOBIA. I ULD MIX WH AIN-AMERIN STUNTS, BUT BE REPRIMAND WHEN I WORKED TOO CLOSELY WH BREAKG BARRIERS, THE SCHOOL’S “GAY-STRAIGHT ALLIANCE.”EVERY TIME I HEARD A PREP STUNT E THE TERM “FAGGOT,” OR UNSELED A GAY STUNT BULLIED BY HIS PEERS, I THOUGHT OF JAM BALDW’S SAY, ‘STRANGER IN THE VILLAGE,’ (PDF) WHERE HE WR, “THE CHILDREN WHO SHOUT ‘NEGER!’ HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWG THE ECHO THIS SOUND RAIS ME.”RECENTLY, A MARRIED LBIAN FORMER LLEAGUE CHID ME, “WHY DIDN’T YOU DO MORE WHEN YOU WERE WH ?” MY ANSWER: TO WORK OM WH I HAD TO PLAY THE GAME. THAT ANSWER WAS NOT SUFFICIENT: WAS I A WARD? NO, I DON’T THK SO. TO DO SOMETHG I NEED TO BE ORDAED, I WASN’T THERE YET. OVER TIME I GREW TIRED OF WAG FOR ORDATN.ABOUT THE SECRET WORLD OF GAY JUS: I ULD GO ON AND ON ABOUT GAY JUS PLAYG THE PIANO THE WT VILLAGE’S DUPLEX OR ABOUT THE NIGHTS I SPENT AT NYC’S SPLASH BAR OR EAGLE CLUB. I ULD TALK ABOUT HOW OLR GAY JUS SWAM NU DURG SUMMERS AT VILLA HOM, ABOUT JUS WHO GROPED EACH OTHER HOT TUBS, OR JUS WHO WERE GAY THE ORR BUT WHO ARE NOW SAFELY MARRIED. I ULD TALK ABOUT GAY JUS THAT HAD ONLE AVATARS AND MEMBERSHIPS TO GAY ONLE DATG S. I ULD TALK ABOUT FAILED JU HOOK-UPS, MY OWN AND OTHERS.THERE WERE THE GAY JUS WHO WERE SO CLOSETED THAT THEY HID BEHD NSERVATISM, LEAVG THE JUS FOR FORMATN PROGRAMS DC ACROSS THE UNED STAT. THERE WERE GAY JUS WHO WERE PUT CLERIL PRISON FOR EMBRACG UNRGRADS TOO LONG, AND OTHERS WHO ATTEND SEXAHOLICS ANONYMO, OR WHOSE PERSONAL LLECTN OF PORNOGRAPHY WAS MISTAKENLY PLAYED DURG HIGH SCHOOL LECTUR. I MYSELF WAS GROOMED FOR SEX BY SEVERAL OLR JUS. I SAW THE VEHEMENT TERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA OF SOME JUS, AND KNEW OF CERTA GAY PASTORS REMOVED OM JOBS SO THAT LS OUT AND MORE PASSABLE GAY JUS REPLACE THEM AT GAY-IENDLY PARISH.THERE WERE GAY JUS WHO TRAVELED THE WORLD TO SCUBA DIVE OR TASTE FRENCH WE. ONE GAY JU OFFERED TO MARRY ME AS I PARTED THE SOCIETY OF J. I LAMENT THAT THE GAY JUS REMA SILENT WHILE THEIR GAY OR LBIAN LAY LLEAGU ARE FIRED OM JOBS AND BROUGHT CLOSER TO POVERTY.AT 35, I NTUE TO PONR THE QUTN: WHY IS FAIR FOR THE CHURCH TO ORDA GAY MEN WHO SNEAK OUT AT NIGHT JT TO BE WH OTHER MEN OF THEIR MUNY, WHILE THE CHURCH NMNS GAYS WHO WANT TO MARRY AND TO EXPRS THEIR LOVE?ONE WEEK AGO AT POSH, A POPULAR NEW YORK CY GAY BAR, A GAY CATHOLIC WHO WORSHIPS AT THE PLIST CHURCH NEAR FORDHAM UNIVERSY’S LLN CENTER CAMP TOLD ME NOT TO BE ANGRY WH THE CHURCH. HE ADD THAT THE PLIST CHURCH DO WONRS FOR HIM AND HIS PEERS BEE THEY INTIFY THE LGBTQ MUNY THE BULLET AND OTHER PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENTS. IS THAT A MEASURE OF VICTORY FOR THE LGBTQ MUNY?THIS GAY MAN SAID THAT HE HAD FALLY CID TO MOVE WH HIS PARTNER OF SEVEN YEARS, BUT THAT THEY WOULD NEVER MARRY. WHEN I ASKED WHY, HE SAID MARRIAGE IS NOT THE BE-ALL AND END-ALL OF LIFE FOR GAY CATHOLICS. THIS SAME MAN TOLD ME HE’S SPOTTED THE JU PASTOR OF A LOL PARISH AT POSH A NUMBER OF TIM OVER THE PAST YEAR.THIS NVERSATN HNTED ME FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS. HERE IS A GAY MAN WHO DON’T WANT TO RECEIVE A SACRAMENTAL MARRIAGE OR BE REGNIZED BY HIS CHURCH MUNY, HIMSELF OBSERVG A GAY PRIT SECRETLY EQUENTG A GAY BAR. THE TWO MEN SHOULD MEET: MAYBE MY NEW IEND ULD HELP MY JU BROTHER TO E OUT OF THE CLOSET.AT EVERY NEW STAGE OF FORMATN, I MET MORE AND MORE GAY JUS WHO WERE HAPPIER SIPPG STCH, ORRG CIGARS, OPERA TICKETS, AND SHO, PUBLISHG BOOKS OR HOLDG SECRET MASS WH LGBTQ SYMPATHIZERS (THAT FOLLOWED UNSANCTNED LURGIL BRICS) THAN PUBLICLY NONTG THE JTICE EXPERIENCED BY MEMBERS OF THEIR MUNY. THEIR SILENCE PAED ME. WHY WON’T THE GAY PRITS JT E OUT?I BELIEVE THE GAY JUS WON’T E OUT BEE THEY LIVE FORTABLE LIV, WH ACCS TO SO MANY THGS, LIKE THE LATT TECHNOLOGY OR VILLAS ABROAD OR TENURED POSNS AT UNIVERSI, NOT TO MENTN THE UNLIMED GAS RDS THAT MAKE DOMTIC TRAVEL REALLY EASY.IN OTHER WORDS, THE GAY JUS ARE LIVG BETTER LIV THAN THE TIMATED 320,000 TO 400,000 HOMELS LGBTQ YOUTH AMERI. WHY THEY DON’T SPEAK UP IS BEYOND ME. WHICH IS WHY I LEFT THE CHURCH PROTT OVER S NTUED ILL TREATMENT OF LGBTQ CHRISTIANS AND NON-CHRISTIANS.MY FAL G OUT THE JUS ME LAST SPRG; WAS 2014, MONTHS AFTER I LEARNED ABOUT THE FIRG OF HERO LIKE NICHOLAS COPPOLA AND COLLEEN SIMON OM TWO OF OUR JU STUTNS. COPPOLA AND SIMON ARE MARRIED TO PARTNERS OF THE SAME SEX.I NTACTED MY SUPERR, AND OTHER LEARS OF THE JUS AND STARTED A NVERSATN ABOUT JTICE AND EQUALY. I SAID, WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHG, WE MT STAND UP PUBLICLY AGAST THE FIRG OF LGBTQ EMPLOYE AND VOLUNTEERS.I REALIZED NOTHG WOULD BE DONE, AS SUCH I PENNED AN OPEN LETTER TO POPE FRANCIS.IN I ASKED HIM TO HELP SAVE MY VOTN BY LLG FOR AN END TO THE FIRG OF LGBTQ EMPLOYE AND VOLUNTEERS. I QUTNED WHY HE WOULD ALLOW THE UNED STAT CONFERENCE OF CATHOLIC BISHOPS TO FIRE PEOPLE, AND BRG THEM CLOSER TO POVERTY, SOME OF WHOM MAKE LS THAN $15 AN HOUR (WHOUT HEALTH RE).IN JULY, I MAILED POPE FRANCIS AND THE JU SUPERR GENERAL FR. ADOLFO NICHOLAS HARD PI OF THE LETTER. THEY NEVER RPOND. I THOUGHT: WASN’T THIS THE ERA OF “WHO AM I TO JUDGE?”BUT THE POPE WHO LLED SO MANY OTHERS NEVER LLED ME. OF URSE, I WASN’T AS NAIVE AS TO THK THIS PROBLEM WOULD BE SOLVED ONE PHONE LL. BUT THAT’S THE IMPRSN THE POPE GIV—THAT ANY ONE STATEMENT HERED BY HIM SOLV PROBLEMS THAT HAVE HAD NEGATIVE NSEQUENC FOR LENNIA. TO ME, THAT IS THE FRANCIS FECT.EMPLOYE AND VOLUNTEERS LIKE COPPOLA AND SIMON WERE FIRED FOR WHO THEY ARE. EVEN AS POPE FRANCIS PREPAR TO VIS THE UNED STAT, THE UNED STAT CONFERENCE OF CATHOLIC BISHOPS IS TOLERANTLY STRINT S OPPOSN TO FRANCIS’S LIBERALISM. LOOK AT THE ARCHDCE OF SAN FRANCIS’S RECENT PROPOSAL TO IMPLEMENT MORALY CLS EMPLOYMENT NTRACTS.THE POPE AND THE SOCIETY OF J MT RESTATE MEN AND WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN FIRED OM JOBS (AND VOLUNTEER ACTIVI). THIS IS NOT SOME RADIL IAL. AFTER ALL, THIS POPE HAS CHANGED THE DISURSE ABOUT HUMAN NATURE, AND WHILE THE TONE IS H AND NEW THE SUBSTANCE MT MATCH THAT SPIR.AS I LOOK TO DOCTORAL PROGRAMS THEOLOGY, I PRACTICE CLIL SOCIAL WORK FOR A MAJOR NONPROF THE BRONX. I WORK WH TEENAGE BOYS WHO ARE BULLIED BY THE PEERS, NEGATIVELY LABELED AS GAY OR LLED “FAGGOTS.”“WHY?” I OFTEN THK ABOUT THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH AND HER FLUENCE ON SECULAR SOCIETY. I HAVE NO REGRETS ABOUT LEAVG THE JUS. MY FAY DO, BUT THEIR LAMENTATNS SPEAK TO THEIR OWN DISFORT WH MY SEXUALY AND SAME-SEX SIRE GENERALLY.THAT’S NOT MY BATTLE ANYMORE; I AM A HAPPY, NFINT, AND GRATEFUL GAY MAN. LIKE THE CHURCH, MY FAY HAS THEIR OWN SKELETONS TO AL WH, BUT I’LL NEVER EVER GO BACK TO THE CLOSET. I’LL NEVER AGA BE A SPEGOAT FOR ANYONE’S WAR WH CULTURE, NOT NATURE.WHAT DO I SIRE? WELL, I’M BACK ON THE MARKET, DATG, AND G APPS LIKE TR, TO LOOK FOR A MAN WH WHOM I N SHARE THE JOYS AND SORROWS OF LIFE, A MAN WH WHOM I N MARRY, AND LOVE, AND RAISE CHILDREN. I REALIZE NOW IS LOVE THAT IS UNIVERSAL, NOT CELIBACY.I NTUE TO RPOND TO GOD’S VATN TO ME TO BE A PRIT. FOR ME, THAT ULD BE THE EPISPAL CHURCH. AT THE EASTER VIGIL LURGY, I’LL BE RECEIVED TO THE EPISPAL CHURCH. I AM HAPPY TO LL ST. LE THE FIELDS GREENWICH VILLAGE MY SPIRUAL HOME.WHILE I’LL ALWAYS BE PRITLY, PRITHOOD IS LS IMPORTANT FOR ME THAN FEATG SOCIAL S AND STCTURAL EVIL, BOTH OF WHICH HAVE UNNECSARILY NTRIBUTED TO VLENCE AGAST THE LGBTQ MUNY, THE MUNY I EPLY ADMIRE AND EPLY LOVE. MY STORY IS AN EXPERIMENT WH TTH-TELLG SO MUCH AS REVEALS THE HYPOCRISY OF AN STUTN BEHOLN TO A RHETORIC AND A THEOLOGY THAT IS FAR OM MEETG PEOPLE WHERE THEY ARE.THAT J HELD HIS BELOVED DISCIPLE JOHN CLOSE TO HIS BREAST AT THE LAST SUPPER TELLS ME SOMETHG ABOUT WHERE THE CHURCH SHOULD BE. IT SHOULD HOLD THOSE LGBTQ MEN, WOMEN, AND CHILDREN CLOSER TO HER BREAST, AND THANK GOD THAT SOME OF THEM STILL JOURNEY THE MUNN LE TO SAY “AMEN,” AND NOT “ADI.” BEN BRENKERT
There's a way to burst through the shame gay men are ma to feel about homosexualy. * confessions of a gay man *
Homosexualy is natural.
CONFSNS OF A GAY MAN
In the US, even ic books have gay characters.
CONFSNS OF A GAY MAN
As the only out young gay kid at my school, I took the advancement of my sexual experienc to my own hands and I did what we all do: I bought a fake ID and h the gay clubs. While I knew wouldn’t be like a gay llege eroti I’d read on (gay non, really), I rather naively wasn’t expectg the fall out. I realize I fell to that old gay adage of placg my feelgs on a person who, for whatever reason, was never gog to vt them back me.
Worst of all, though, the shame attached to the memori of those first tim marred how I would approach sex for was listeng to Years & Years’ new song “Sanctify, ” and seeg the band’s out gay sger Olly Alexanr talk about how the song was spired his sexual trysts wh straight men, that I realized that the feelgs are way more mon than people let on. Sure, I know all about gay guys havg sex wh straight guys, but felt reassurg to see him scribe the “sat and sner role” he embodied durg those experienc, and to hear the uncertaty and melancholy weaved to the than anythg though, was the repeated lyril mantra of “I won’t be ashamed.
Straight men who have engaged suatnal homosexualy (such as prison or the ary), what's your story? A Gay Man Speaks Out.