Gay and Can't Fd a Partner? | Psychology Today

Contents:

• THE GAY MAN'S GUI TO DATG AFTER 50
• GAY MEN AND AGG
• 5 REASONS IT’S GOOD TO BE GAY AND SGLE
• GAY, MIDDLE-AGED, AND LONELY AS HELL
• BT GAY DATG APPS FOR HOOKUPS, RELATNSHIPS, AND EVERYTHG BETWEEN
• WISNS MIDDLE SCHOOL FEATUR 'THIS BOOK IS GAY' LIBRARY, STIRRG ONLE OUTRAGE
• JAGUARS ASSOCIATE STRENGTH ACH OUT AS GAY A FIRST FOR US-BASED PRO LEAGU
• SGLE FOREVER: STORI AND INSIGHTS OM GAY MEN
• GAY AND CAN'T FD A PARTNER?
• A GAY MAN AT MIDLIFE PONRS BEG LONELY AND ‘INVISIBLE’
• THE TOP LGBTQ+ DATG S AND APPS: 14 BT GAY DATG S
• RACG TO PRERVE THE HISTORY OF MAE’S 1ST GAY RIGHTS ANIZATN

THE GAY MAN'S GUI TO DATG AFTER 50

Where was the show that I uld intify wh, the one about gay men their 40s still tryg to figure out life and s twists and turns, ups and downs, surpris and disappotments? I uldn't fd anythg alg wh issu to which I uld then I thought about all of my 40-somethg gay iends and how they all led very different liv om me and each other's as well. So, along wh my wrg partner John Sobrack (a fellow gay filmmaker, married and his 40s), I created The New 30 -- a digal seri about a group of diverse gay iends navigatg their 40s and disverg that life isn't nearly what they imaged would be at that age.

It explor some of the real issu of beg gay and your 40s, such as erectile dysfunctn, tergeneratnal and terracial datg, baby adoptn, open marriag, adaptg to technology, physil challeng of agg, alg wh the past, planng for the future, and havg to start over, to name a few -- all handled serly and dramatilly but wh a touch of humor.

"Wh the gay muny, negative stereotyp rerce the belief that gay relatnships are based solely on physil attractn, and that once youth starts to fa, we are unlikely to have any real or lastg relatnships, " says Rik Isensee, thor of Are You Ready? For every 20-somethg enterg the gay datg scene full of wi-eyed wonr, there's a 50-somethg (or a 60-, 70- or olr-somethg) man back on the market after a relatnship ends. Many gay men will have endured homophobic bullyg at school whilst teachers turned a bld eye; havg parents not unrstandg or acceptg their sexual orientatn; or a difficult and paful g out procs.

GAY MEN AND AGG

In the here and now, there is still much homophobia our society: beg looked at an timidatg or shamg way when holdg their same-sex partner’s hand the streets; hearg homophobic people makg plats when gay characters appear on televisn; beg asked appropriate sexual qutns at a party that would never be asked to a heterosexual person; havg to refully select a holiday statn that is gay-iendly.

One way that gay men n create a sense of safety and protect themselv agast more woundg is by feelg wanted and sexually sired, which wh lookg perfect, showg no signs of vulnerabili and beg young. For gay men, for some reason, 40 years of age seems to be the thrhold when gay men flip om beg sirable and sexy to beg visible and even sometim an object of disgt.

5 REASONS IT’S GOOD TO BE GAY AND SGLE

Watchg the Channel 4 seri It’s A S remd me that we didn’t get the chance to see gay men agg when we were growg up bee many of them died their 20s durg the AIDS epimic.

The gay male populatn is missg a generatn of olr men who uld have been mentors and teachers offerg guidance this homophobic world. Wh the absence of the olr wisdom the gay muny, youth beme the only safety: As long as one is young and betiful, they will be sired and therefore they won’t be alone. The dilemma is that most gay men want to nnect and love each other, but they’re also havg trouble nnectg bee genue timacy requir the willgns to be vulnerable.

GAY, MIDDLE-AGED, AND LONELY AS HELL

The dark si of this is that we are leavg behd the agg gay men who survived homophobic trma, the AIDS epimic, and those who fought for the equal rights that we are enjoyg today. Many gay men still rry ternalised homo-negativy wh the subnsc re belief that is impossible for gay men to love one another, feelg unservg of love. It is time to work together to shift the gay culture om the one beg cril of agg to more human nnectns, where we n embrace each other, bee, after all, we all belong to the same fay, the LGBTQ fay — the Rabow Fay.

Let’s all be real for a moment and face the fact there is often a lot of prsure om iends, fay, workers, and others for a gay person to be a relatnship, pecially now that marriage equaly laws are on the books. All of the above, and plenty more that didn’t make the list, are reasons ’s not only good but excg and vigoratg to be sgle and gay. While I'm thrilled that many stat now regnize gay marriage, I have lost the fort of havg lots of iends the same sgle 're quote a Kenny Loggs song, "I'm ee.

BT GAY DATG APPS FOR HOOKUPS, RELATNSHIPS, AND EVERYTHG BETWEEN

Maybe has somethg to do wh the wter season, but as of late, a number of my gay iends have taken to Facebook to lament beg there's absolutely nothg wrong wh beg sgle.

At s base, the joltg fear now is the realizatn of how limed that future is beg and about the chang I'm visibly, attentively, and subnscly regnizg, and perhaps beg more sensive to them as a gay man.

"50 is the new 40" -- that is still a popular mantra the gay muny that I always felt was more about nvcg onelf that 50 isn't so bad.

WISNS MIDDLE SCHOOL FEATUR 'THIS BOOK IS GAY' LIBRARY, STIRRG ONLE OUTRAGE

"But I know where you're g om and what you're gettg at: The celebratn of youth and bety is tense among many gay men, makg emotnally and psychologilly difficult to age. Part of the ia of lookg healthy and mcled stems our generatn om the early years of HIV, and wh gay men who rried the vis termed not to be perceived as sick. "We grew up whout many public mols of mted gay upl agg happily and gracefully together: If they were out there, they were as often as not closeted, and they certaly weren't public life.

JAGUARS ASSOCIATE STRENGTH ACH OUT AS GAY A FIRST FOR US-BASED PRO LEAGU

"Whether you're gay or straight, if you're sgle at 55, that do feel different om beg sgle at 45 or 35; you're likelier to ask yourself if you're ever gog to fd a sgle romantic partner to travel the distance wh?

"What may be different for gay men above a certa age -- let's say 50, randomly -- is the bed effects of profsnal agg and romantic agg, by which I mean that I thk that we're more nsc of and hnted by lost youth and changed looks than straight men are, for many different reasons. I am fightg , though, wh a foced termatn to jt be myself, whether that's noticed as gay, straight, old, young, or different. "If you mean some new fear of beg gay bee of the state of the world or suggtg that as we age, we get more timid about beg out, I thk the trajectory this untry is still toward greater equaly for LGBTQ people, spe the actns of the print and his admistratn, " Bni said.

” Durg his rearch, Hobb found that, spe growg legal and social acceptance, a worryg percentage of gay men still stggle wh prsn, anxiety, and suicidal iatn. “LAG isn’t the only gay guy who has aged out of the bar scene—so have I—and stggl to fd sex and pannship away om alhol and right swip, ” said Hobb. “At every age, every study, gay men are ls likely to be partnered, habg, or married than our straight and lbian unterparts.

SGLE FOREVER: STORI AND INSIGHTS OM GAY MEN

”Durg a brief but terrifyg episo, I even joed Grdr – a phone applitn that shows you how many gay men are around and their distance. The iend who set me up (and to whom I may never speak aga) believed, like an explible number of straight women, that the two sgle gay men she knew would “get on like a hoe on fire” bee they are both “hilar”.

Sgle gay men, I learned, are targets of some of the same kds of stereotyp that other sgl are - and they, too, are at risk for takg those charg a b too serly.

GAY AND CAN'T FD A PARTNER?

"regnized that the stigma of homos and sgl were tw opprsns om a sgle source - heterosexual uplehood - and so took aim at many of the assumptns of marriage and other forms of tradnal pair bonds. "In the shadow of gay and more sgle gay men are buffeted by a variety of ternal and external forc to buddy up, oftentim wh nsequenc not unlike those of the closet: a sense of shame, failure, and a quiet (or not so quiet) speratn. For Bereznai, ntemplatg a life-long sglehood meant "lookg at how, stead of g out of the closet to be myself, I have spent more than a nstctg the faça of the person I thought gay guys would want to date.

"Instead, I pursued my own terts, put more time to fay and iends, foced on my wrg, slowly settlg to the quiet lm and fort of beg a sgle gay man. As an openly gay man wh over 30 years of experience as a therapist, I have seen sr of sgle gay men sabotage their efforts to fd a partner, placg obstacl their own path—whout havg the slightt ia as to what they are dog and why.

Fortunately, I have also learned how to intify and name the self-featg and often hidn hurdl—and have disvered that they are beliefs that too many gay men repeat to themselv, often whout even knowg . In my experience, this ternalized belief is the poison that prevents some gay men om buildg a healthy relatnship, and also why many ms up the on they already have. Some of have been bullied as children; physilly, verbally, and emotnally abed at tenr ag by our peers and fay members for beg gay before we even regnized and unrstood our same-sex attractns.

A GAY MAN AT MIDLIFE PONRS BEG LONELY AND ‘INVISIBLE’

Sadly, the wounds are difficult to heal, and as a rult, n leave gay men wh the sense that we are unlovable and th unworthy of love, affectn, and happs.

For sure, so much of the gay male world is way too foced on looks, youth, the gym, partyg, and fast hookups; so searchg for Mr. Nonmonogamy was a polil statement, and gay rights advot saw marriage as nstrictive, patriarchal, heterocentric, flawed (perhaps due to the 50% failure rate) and therefore not worthy of pursu, pecially light of how gay men of the era were still gettg ejected om their jobs, hom, fai and blackmailed and arrted for who they were.

Where ’s legal, same-sex upl are gettg married drov, and some gay weddgs are so theatril and over the top that they n actually be timidatg.

THE TOP LGBTQ+ DATG S AND APPS: 14 BT GAY DATG S

I have worked wh many gay widowers—guys wh good relatnship track rerds, who are anxly seekg a new mate, but are sabotagg themselv the ways scribed above.

Remember, as a gay man, you have survived lots of direct and direct msag that there was somethg wrong wh you, which has left srs. AdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENTCivil Shenlman/Queer Lens PhotographyMarch 19, 2013Every other Tuday, Steven Petrow, the thor of “Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lbian Manners, ” (Workman, 2011), addrs qutns about gay and straight etiquette for a boomer-age dience.

Send qutns for Civil Behavr to Dear Civil Behavr: Your ment a recent lumn about gays at midlife fdg themselv “sudnly visible — aged out by the young, rtls and betiful” ronated loudly wh me.

RACG TO PRERVE THE HISTORY OF MAE’S 1ST GAY RIGHTS ANIZATN

” The abily to lgh — and lgh at ourselv — is key to our, there are some unual and disproportnate challeng to agg wh the gay muny that your experienc highlight. (This might also help expla why the suatn is more difficult for gay men than is for lbians: The study I noted prevly showed that lbians “tend to have works that were more rilient and showed ls fluctuatn rponse to chang wh agg, ” probably bee their support works were not nearly as vastated by H.

As a 30-year-old posted on my Facebook page rponse to your qutn, “I fd havg iends who are gay and olr helps me learn about the gay muny’s past stggl and tly unrstand where we have e om, where we are now, and where we’re gog as a society. Above all, try to remember we’re lucky we’ve gotten to see and live through our middle years; so many of our loved on did different do you thk agg our society is for gays vers straights?