Internatnal OCD Foundatn | How Do I Know I’m Not Really Gay/Straight?

Contents:

• HOW DO I KNOW I’M NOT REALLY GAY/STRAIGHT?
• NOT GAY, NOT STRAIGHT: MEET THE YOUNG PEOPLE WHO REFE TO FE THEIR SEXUALY
• AM I GAY?
• AM I GAY? HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE GAY?
• PEOPLE THK I'M GAY... BUT I'M NOT
• ARE YOU GAY OR STRAIGHT?
• I LIKE GUYS BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE GAY. HOW DO I STOP BEG GAY?
• IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?
• AM I GAY IF I HAVE SAME SEX FANTASI?
• THE SOLUTN TO "GAY" INSULTS: FREEDOM OF SPEECH
• SYNONYMS FOR NOT GAY
• THREAD: MY HEADS TELLG ME I AM GAY, YET MENTALLY I AM NOT
• HELP! I’M NOT GAY, BUT I DON’T LIKE THE THGS THAT OTHER GUYS MY AGE LIKE.
• AM I GAY, OR BI?
• I’VE INTIFIED AS GAY FOR YEARS. NOT ANYMORE.
• THE GAY-O-METER! ?️‍? LGBTQ QUIZ
• I LIKE GAY MALE PORN, BUT GAY MEN REAL LIFE EAK ME OUT.
• FEELG GUILTY ABOUT "GAY THOUGHTS"
• YOU’RE NOT GAY: HOMOSEXUALY ANXIETY OCD
• HELP:I AM NOT GAY BUT THE THOUGHTS WONT GO AWAY.................
• AM I GAY, STRAIGHT, LBIAN, BISEXUAL OR LGBTQ+?
• CAN SOMEONE BE HOMOSEXUAL AND NOT GAY?

HOW DO I KNOW I’M NOT REALLY GAY/STRAIGHT?

” Some people’s doubts are further plited by havg such experienc as hearg other people talkg or lookg their directn and thkg that the people mt be analyzg their behavr or appearance and talkg about them – discsg how they mt be gay (or straight).

I have sometim wonred if those who experience the most distrs om such thoughts as the do so bee they were raised wh more strongly homophobic or anti-gay attus to beg wh, or if is simply bee one’s sexualy n be such a basic doubt. The flip si of this is when they look at thgs havg to do wh sex of an oppose orientatn and then feel aroed some way, which they then nclu to mean that they liked , which means that they are gay (or straight).

NOT GAY, NOT STRAIGHT: MEET THE YOUNG PEOPLE WHO REFE TO FE THEIR SEXUALY

Gay - While this adjective has historilly scribed men who are attracted to other men, the term now is ed to refer to anyone who experienc romantic, emotnal, or physil attractn to people of the same genr.

"It's somethg I found tratg durg the marriage referendum wh everyone mentg on and celebratg the gay and lbian right to marriage, wh ltle to no reference to everyone else on the sexualy spectm, " she might sound unual, but fact Greta's viewpot is one that more and more of her ntemporari share. "A lot of young people are more fortable to not intify any one strict tegory, " says Ois McKenna of youth webse "But 's te that they might also intify a unique kd of discrimatn, and even rejectn om gay or straight people. Some people thk of themselv as straight even if they ocsnally feel attracted to (or have even had relatnships wh) people of the same genr, and some people nsir themselv gay even if they have felt some attractn to/had relatnships wh people of another genr.

AM I GAY?

Yet when the men were forced to choose between straight, bisexual or gay, about three-quarters marked straight bee for them bisexual, even if is unrstood as “bisexual-leang straight, ” is too gay to accurately scribe their inty. My last post scribed a populatn of mal who nsir themselv heterosexual, do not label themselv gay or bisexual, chew volvement wh the LGBT muny, are often married or romantilly volved wh an oppose-sex partner, and who engage sex wh mal or exprs the sire to do so.

AM I GAY? HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE GAY?

Due large part to the popularizatn of the topic the btsellg 2005 book On the Down Low: A Journey to the Liv of 'Straight' Black Men Who Sleep wh Men, [i] Lato and Ain-Amerin men are the primary subjects rearch wh non-gay intified MSM. One of the earlit studi, "The Bisexual and Non-Gay Attached Rearch Project" om the early 1990s, found that participants engagg same-sex sexual behavr but not intifyg as gay or bisexual scribed themselv as “kky, ” “normal, ” or “jt a guy. Ramamurthi, Cleo Manago, Serg Ava, and Marv Jon, “Sexual Behavr, Sexual Inty, and Substance Abe Among Low-Ine Bisexual and Non-Gay-Intifyg Ain Amerin Men Who Have Sex wh Men, ” Archiv of Sexual Behavr 37, no.

And I should pot out here that the men when they’re engagg this behavr (regardls of whether they’re gay, straight or bi) nearly always tell themselv that what they’re dog is not cheatg bee they’re dog wh a guy.

PEOPLE THK I'M GAY... BUT I'M NOT

Scientists are not yet sure exactly what someone to be lbian, gay, bisexual, or straight, but recent rearch shows that there are blogil factors place before birth that fluence people’s sexual orientatn. You so obvly nnot be gay, was her implitn, bee this is good sex.It was 2006, a full five years before Lady Gaga would set the Born This Way argument atop s unassailable cultural perch, but even then the popular unrstandg of orientatn was that was somethg you were born wh, somethg you uldn’t change.

But what feels most accurate to say is that I’m gay – but I wasn’t born this way.Many people may fd their sir changg directn - and n't jt be explaed as experimentatn (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)In 1977, jt over 10% of Amerins thought gayns was somethg you were born wh, acrdg to Gallup.

ARE YOU GAY OR STRAIGHT?

Throughout the same perd, the number of Amerins who believe homosexualy is “due to someone’s upbrgg/environment” fell om jt unr 60% to 37%.The ias reached cril mass pop culture, first wh Lady Gaga’s 2011 Born This Way and one year later wh Macklemore’s Same Love, the chos of which has a gay person sgg “I n’t change even if I tried, even if I wanted to.” Vios started circulatg on the ter featurg gay people askg straight people “when they chose to be straight.” Around the same time, the Human Rights Campaign clared unequivolly that “Beg gay is not a choice,” and to claim that is “giv unwarranted crence to roundly disproven practic such as nversn or reparative therapy.”People who challenge the Born This Way narrative are often st as homophobic, and their thkg is nsired backwardAs Jane Ward not Not Gay: Sex Between Straight Whe Men, what’s tertg about many of the claims is how transparent their speakers are wh their polil motivatns.

“Such statements,” she wr, “fe blogil acunts wh an obligatory and nearly ercive force, suggtg that anyone who scrib homosexual sire as a choice or social nstctn is playg to the hands of the enemy.” People who challenge the Born This Way narrative are often st as homophobic, and their thkg is nsired backward – even if they are themselv gay.Take, for example, Cynthia Nixon of Sex and The Cy fame.

Callg me “idtic” and “patently absurd”, Aravosis wrote, “The gay haters at the relig right uldn’t have wrten any better.”Gay rights do not have to hge on a geic explanatn for sexualy (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)For Aravosis, and many gay activists like him, the public will only accept and affirm gay people if they thk they were born gay. In fact, the homophobic and non-homophobic rponnts he studied shared siar levels of belief a Born This Way iology.As Samantha Allen not at The Daily Beast, the growg public support for gays and lbians has grown out of proportn wh the rise the number of people who believe homosexualy is fixed at birth; would be unlikely that this small change opn uld expla the spike support for gay marriage, for stance. “It don’t seem to matter as much whether or not people believe that gay people are born that way as do that they simply know someone who is currently gay,” Allen nclus.In spe of the studi, those who ph agast Born This Way narrativ have been heavily cricised by gay activists.

I LIKE GUYS BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE GAY. HOW DO I STOP BEG GAY?

Siarly, Ward has received her own hatemail for phg agast the lg LGB narrativ, wh some gays tellg her she’s “worse than Ann Coulter,” the ntroversial US thor of books like If Democrats Had Any Bras, They’d Be Republins. And when I published my say on choosg to be gay, an irate Amerin lbian activist wrote me that had “jt been nfirmed” to her that my wrg was “directly rponsible for four gay aths Rsia.”While I n unrstand why some ntemporary activists (and the journalists who seem beholn to their agendas) might chalk up recent gas LGB acceptance to Born This Way’s cultural filtratn, activism mt be found upon facts and tths, or the whole program will eventually turn out to be a sham.

Drowng out every voice that dar to qutn domant cultural narrativ is not the same thg as validatg the arguments those voic are makg.As Ward says, “Jt bee an argument is polilly expedient don’t make te.”It is only recent history that we have started to label sexual orientatns wh rigid tegori (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)So what do the science say about Born This Way?There is a unanimo opn that gay “nversn therapy” should be rejectedLet’s first be clear that whatever the origs of our sexual orientatn, there is a unanimo opn that gay “nversn therapy” should be rejected. The efforts are potentially harmful, acrdg to the APA, “bee they prent the view that the sexual orientatn of lbian, gay and bisexual youth is a mental illns of disorr, and they often ame the abily to change one’s sexual orientatn as a personal and moral failure.” Ltle wonr the therapi have been shown to provoke anxiety, prsn and even suici.In other words, the qutn of the efficy of nversn therapi is a non-issue. The APA, for example, while notg that most people experience ltle to no choice over their orientatns, says this of homosexualy’s origs:“Although much rearch has examed the possible geic, hormonal, velopmental, social and cultural fluenc on sexual orientatn, no fdgs have emerged that perm scientists to nclu that sexual orientatn is termed by any particular factor or factors.”Siarly, the Amerin Psychiatric Associatn wr a 2013 statement that while the of heterosexualy and homosexualy are currently unknown, they are likely “multifactorial cludg blogil and behavral roots which may vary between different dividuals and may even vary over time.”Te, var eye-grabbg headl over the years have claimed that some scientists have found somethg like The Gay Gene.

IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

In 1991, for example, nroscientist Simon LaVey published fdgs that he claimed suggt that “sexual orientatn has a blogil substrate.” Acrdg to LeVay’s rearch, a specific part of the bra, the third terstial nucls of the anterr hypothalam (INAH-3), is smaller homosexual men than is heterosexual men.Try as they might, scientists have stggled to inty any particular gen that nsistently predict the directns of our love and sire (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)Read moreYou n spot the problem wh this study a e away: were the gay bras LeVay studied born that way, or did they bee that way?

LeVay himself poted this out to Disver Magaze 1994: “Sce I looked at adult bras, we don't know if the differenc I found were there at birth or if they appeared later.” Further, the bras LeVay studied belonged to AIDS victims, so he uldn’t even be sure if what he was seeg had somethg to do wh the disease.Another landmark paper on the origs of homosexualy was published 1993 by a geicist named Dean Hamer, who was terted to learn whether homosexualy uld be hered. He believ there’s about “99.5% certaty that there is a gene (or gen) this area of the X chromosome that predispos a male to bee a heterosexual.”A 2015 study sought to nfirm Hamer’s fdgs, this time wh a much larger sample: 409 pairs of gay brothers.

“It’s not.”And as Allen pots out, there have also been studi that found no “X-lked gene unrlyg male homosexualy.” Perhaps predictably, the studi haven’t received as much media verage.Bis the dividual criqu leveled agast each new study announcg some gay gene disvery, there are major methodologil cricisms to make about the entire enterprise general, as Grzanka pots out: “If we look at the raveno pursu, particularly among Amerin scientists, to fd a gay gene, what we see is that the ncln has already been arrived at.

AM I GAY IF I HAVE SAME SEX FANTASI?

All science is dog is wag to fd the proof.”The other problem wh Born This Way science is summed up nicely by Simon Copland: “Scientists are askg whether homosexualy is natural when we n’t even agree exactly what homosexualy is.”Grzanka agre. How then uld they be rooted our genome?” Our sir may exprs themselv many different ways that do not all nform to existg notns of ‘gay’, ‘straight’ or ‘bisexual’.This is one of the bt takeaways of Ward’s Not Gay, a peratg analysis of sex between straight whe men. Ccially, she argu, “whether or not this baggage is appealg is a separate matter altogether om the appeal of homosexual or heterosexual sex.”Even if you accept that sexual sire may exist on a kd of spectm, the predomant ia is still that the sir are nate and immutable – but this ns unter to what we know about human taste, says Ward.

THE SOLUTN TO "GAY" INSULTS: FREEDOM OF SPEECH

“Our sir are oriented and re-oriented based on our experienc throughout our liv.”Gay or not, our sir are oriented and re-oriented throughout our liv (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)In fact, the straight-intified men Ward studied for her book sometim found themselv suatns that sparked the sire for homosexual sex: aterni, ployments, public rtrooms, etc. All of our sir are ntually beg shaped throughout our liv, the very specific ntexts which we disver and rehearse them.I’m claimg that at some pot durg llege, my sexual and romantic sir beme reoriented toward menThkg back to my llege romanc wh women and men, I n beg to unrstand how my own experienc might have helped me to ‘cultivate’ my sire for homosexualy. But that’s not the whole story, and to engage disurse that pretends is — regardls of the nobily of the tentns — uld have “profound and very negative nsequenc” for the LGBT muny, says Grzanka.“Limg our unrstandg of any plex human experience is always gog to be worse than allowg to be plited,” he says.Early gay rights activists pared sexualy to relign - a ccial part of our life that we should be ee to practise however we like (Cred: Ignac Lehamann)So what are we to do wh the Born This Way rhetoric?

SYNONYMS FOR NOT GAY

It don’t take too much creativy to image a scenar which homophobic parents, upon beg rmed their fet has ‘the gay gene’, choose what to them may seem the lser of two evils: abortn.Fally, I would argue that the Born This Way narrative n actively damage our perceptns of ourselv. We’d never accept that story.”Acrdg to surveys, ls than half of Generatn Z intify as "100% heterosexual", suggtg more and more people have embraced their sexual fluidy (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)Perhaps is time to look to the begng of the gay rights movement. “Then there was a shift, and the lears of the movement chose to jump on board wh a ls nuanced argument that people already unrstood: jt like race, people are born wh their homosexualy.”Fortunately, we have now ma enormo stris unrstandg and affirmg our queer sexuali.

Walter Thompson Innovatn group found that only 48% of Generatn Z (ag 18-24) intify as “100% heterosexual.” Rponnts were asked to rate themselv on a sle om zero (which signified “pletely straight”) to six (“pletely homosexual”). And importantly, each isn’t always nstcted opposn to the other.I’m thankful for a new generatn that is pable of imagg sexualy a way that transcends the gay/straight bary, that uldn’t re ls about what happened to their bodi and mds to make them who they are today. But to actually be lockg ey wh Ellen and hold her, shakg hands as she said, "I'm gay, " on natnal televisn and for the first time, as she has shared outloud that way publicly, was such a profoundly extraordary and timate gift to that moment that I will forever be grateful for.

If your dreams or sexual fantasi are curly lackg men, or if you aren’t able to visualize men or pleasurable experienc when you daydream (even if you’re a relatnship wh one or have been wh one long-term), you may be attracted women, and you uld be gay. I am married and have 2 children have looked at someone and thought they were pretty and had a good holiday I have seen good lookg younger men and thought, how attractive they are and what a good body they have, but this do not make me a you have somethg agast Gay people? Bulli often pick on kids who don’t f the social norm at school — kids who aren’t the same race or relign as most people school; who are, or appear to be, lbian, gay, bisexual, or transgenr; who are “too fat” or “too skny”; who don’t like the same mic as other kids or don’t wear the “right” cloth; or kids who simply appear to be troubled or different some way.

THREAD: MY HEADS TELLG ME I AM GAY, YET MENTALLY I AM NOT

Regardls, some straight people like porn that isn't straight (like some gay people like porn that isn't gay), and what we like fantasy or media isn't a sound way to try and figure out what our orientatn is or a place to look for a match wh what we like or want real life, even though for some folks, is some ways. In se the term homophobia trips you up, UC Davis' Department of Psychology says: "The Amerin Herage Dictnary f homophobia as "aversn to gay or homosexual people or their liftyle or culture" and "behavr or an act based on this aversn. Negative feelgs or attus towards non-heterosexual behavur, inty, relatnships and muny, n lead to homophobic behavur and is the root of the discrimatn experienced by many lbian, gay, bisexual and transgenr (LGBT) people.

HELP! I’M NOT GAY, BUT I DON’T LIKE THE THGS THAT OTHER GUYS MY AGE LIKE.

Homophobia is somethg that is very often seen people who may be homosexual or bisexual themselv and are very aaid of those feelgs, or feel there is somethg terribly wrong wh them (even though there isn't).

AM I GAY, OR BI?

One example of stutnalized homophobia (and heterosexism and transphobia), for stance, is that very few people grow up a world or a culture which prents same-sex or same or siar-genr romantic and/or sexual relatnships as as normal, as acceptable, and as potentially wonrful as oppose-sex or genr relatnships. A lot of lbian, gay, bisexual or other not-heterosexual folks have a hard time picturg themselv anythg but oppose-sex relatnships not bee they aren't really queer, but bee 's the only, or the most pervasive, picture they've seen, or the only way they have seen relatnships or fai prented posively. “I remember watchg her and thkg ‘There’s no way words n scribe how much I want that.’”From the Edors of DetailsDpe the sistence of many—straight and gay—that swchg between sexual preferenc n’t technilly happen, Rothenberg isn’t the only man to have believed he was homosexual before cidg that he was wrong.

I’VE INTIFIED AS GAY FOR YEARS. NOT ANYMORE.

And they’re not the type who hi gay urg public while privately trottg off to the lol bathhoe.For Andrew Br, who grew up Milwkee, was all about girls—until he had sex wh a guy at the end of his senr year of high school.

THE GAY-O-METER! ?️‍? LGBTQ QUIZ

When he later fell love wh a woman (who was at the time a lbian) and realized he was straight, he didn’t rm anyone that he’d been wavg that rabow flag mistakenly.And although there aren’t statistics to show how many men go through a siar sexual shift, anecdotal evince suggts that some men who nsir themselv to be gay experience this kd of change not bee of sexual experimentatn or peer prsure but bee they ci that they want to sleep wh women stead of men.For Ethan Robson (not his real name), a 37-year-old film edor om Los Angel, chasg women durg his post-llege years beme a chore. I was like, ‘I’m not gay, I’m not gay, I’m not gay.’ It was like the flip scenar of when I thought I was gay.”While the men all thk the swch om gay to straight was a five experience, some experts are skeptil that such a turnaround happens any but the rart s.

“I’ve only n across men who me out of the closet and pursued their gay inty but uldn’t whstand the prsur of fay and society so returned to beg closeted and heterosexual relatnships,” says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a sex therapist and the thor of Sex Detox.Neverthels, stead of tryg to n om their pasts, the men feel extremely grateful for havg gone through what they did—and some even believe mak them all the straighter.

As of this wrg I have been bombard by threads, private msag, e-mail, and stant msag by straight folks terrified that they are gay (and a very small number of gay and bisexual folks terrified that they, too, are not their real sexual orientatn).

I LIKE GAY MALE PORN, BUT GAY MEN REAL LIFE EAK ME OUT.

Neverthels, is sufficiently wispread to warrant more specialists the field, more media exposure, and more unrstandg among therapists relativ, iends, and, pecially, gay people who give the wrong advice. We n be attracted to people irrpective of their genr, do not mean we need to label ourselv as gay, straight, pansexual - unls we choose to do so, ’ explas Marianne Oak, lead unsellor for and a specialist sexualy, genr and diverse relatnships. Its te that people like to be around like md people and so socially may spend more time among their own however s not set stone and many lbgt people cludg myself have a mixture of gay/bi/straight iends.

So when we therapists are nonted wh male clients, often married on, who e to wh ep nflicts about their sexual attractn to other men, we often fd that they are willg to e the word “homosexual, ” but chew the “gay” label. I warned them of the pfalls of keepg their sexual orientatn secret: a life of creased prsn, pursug a secret life the gay unrground wh the danger of beg ught, how attemptg to supprs urg n often e them to bee even more obssed wh them.

FEELG GUILTY ABOUT "GAY THOUGHTS"

They may need, om time to time, to seek further therapy, but wh the right therapist, one who has thoroughly unrstood the dangers of such practic of “reparative therapy” which the therapist seeks to change the client’s sexual inty om gay to straight.

YOU’RE NOT GAY: HOMOSEXUALY ANXIETY OCD

HELP:I AM NOT GAY BUT THE THOUGHTS WONT GO AWAY.................

AM I GAY, STRAIGHT, LBIAN, BISEXUAL OR LGBTQ+?

CAN SOMEONE BE HOMOSEXUAL AND NOT GAY?