What to Do When Your Child Says: "I'm Gay" | Psychology Today

Contents:

• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"
• IS MY SON GAY? QUIZ
• DAD ACCINTALLY DISVERS HIS TEENAGE SON IS GAY, CONSULTS REDD ON HOW TO RPOND
• THIS IS HOW I FELT WHEN MY SON TOLD ME HE WAS GAY
• THIS IS HOW I REALLY REACTED WHEN MY SON TOLD ME HE WAS GAY
• GAY MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS: IS THERE A SPECIAL CLOSENS?
• HOW TO TELL IF YOUR SON IS GAY
• MANY PARENTS STGGLE TO ADJT AFTER LEARNG CHILD IS GAY, STUDY FDS
• YOUR CHILD JT TOLD YOU HE'S GAY. NOW WHAT?
• I NNOT AL WH FACT MY SON IS GAY
• MY SON MIGHT BE GAY. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HIM?
• HOW I ACCINTALLY FOUND OUT MY DAD IS GAY
• YEP, HE’S GAY

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"

As I relayed When Your Child Is Gay: What You Need To Know (Sterlg, 2016), I found out that my son was gay om a note wh our son's name entwed wh another boy's, surround by a heart. San Berland, the mother of a gay son who ach parents of LGBTQ kids, utn, "It's not a good ia to ask.

Acrdg to my -thor, psychiatrist Jonathan Tobk, "Gay children feel credibly vulnerable when g out to their parents, and tak time to work up the urage to do this. In a way, you have an advantage by not knowg; giv you more time to prepare for the day (if ever) when he do reveal he's gay. When parents learn that their child is gay, lbian, bisexual, or transgenr, they n experience a range of emotns.

As a matter of fact, you might someday look back and fd that you are grateful for the experience of havg a gay or lbian child. Well, my study of 65 fai of gay and lbian youth for the book, Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, I found that some parents get to the pot where they believe that the experience of havg a gay child actually ma them a better person—more open-md and sensive to the needs of others, particularly those other mory groups.

IS MY SON GAY? QUIZ

If you jt found out your child is gay, lbian, bisexual, or transgenr, you may be thkg that such ias are prepostero. The tstworthy nfidants let them vent but also rrected some of the misperceptns they absorbed om society, such as that gay people are lonely, unhappy, promiscuo, not fay-oriented, unable to have children, or sted for an unhappy life. So when a 38-year-old sgle dad accintally saw that his 13-year-old son had been lookg up thgs along the l of "I'm gay, what now, " he was nflicted.

Another suggted the dad let his son "e to you wh this, " suggtg t he meantime, he start beg discretely supportive of LGBT matters, by "[makg] a posive remark when gay marriage is discsed on tv, pliment(ig) a show for their clivens of LGBT characters, etc. In an update posted to Redd a few days later, he explaed that he "started off wh talkg about general media wh [his son], " like "how awome was that Tim Cook (CEO of Apple) me out as beg gay...

I don’t know if I’ll ever be “okay” wh the gay liftyle, but right now, I am okay wh my son beg gay, and right now, that is all that matters. This was found to be te for many of the mothers and sons I terviewed for the study scribed the book: Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child ().

DAD ACCINTALLY DISVERS HIS TEENAGE SON IS GAY, CONSULTS REDD ON HOW TO RPOND

Neverthels, this closens uld have a downsi, at least temporarily, as many mothers ially blame themselv and the close relatnships for their sons' homosexualy. So, perhaps is not pletely surprisg that once they learned their sons were gay, some of the mothers I terviewed felt that they had done somethg to damage them.

The fact is that I am the mother and I was told growg up that men bee gay bee their mothers are too motherg.

For a long time, the psychiatric profsn blamed overly close maternal relatnships for g the "disease" of male homosexualy. Even though rearch sce the 1950's has bunked , this theory persists people's mds and rears s ugly head for mothers when they ially learn their sons are gay.

THIS IS HOW I FELT WHEN MY SON TOLD ME HE WAS GAY

Fortunately, for many mothers of gay son—wh time and tn, they learn that the ia that they had somehow ma their son gay is ad wrong This was te of the mothers my study who also me to see the benefs havg a gay son as will be scribed later this post.

My rearch, clil and personal experienc suggt that there is ed a al lk between male homosexualy and a close maternal relatnship but flows the oppose directn than what was prevly thought. In other words, havg a close relatnship wh your mother don't make you gay—beg gay mak you closer to your mother. The young gay mal this study relled sharg terts mon wh their mothers, such as fashn and okg, and were also sensive to their feelgs.

I thk personally [beg gay] ma me a more emotnal person, more sensive, more touch wh both the male and female sis of myself, but allowg me to even acknowledge that other si ma me closer to my mother. Once mothers this study got over their feelgs of guilt and got ed to the ia that their sons were gay, they were able to regnize the benefs of havg a gay son.

THIS IS HOW I REALLY REACTED WHEN MY SON TOLD ME HE WAS GAY

Closens between mothers and their gay sons is a stereotype and like all stereotyp, sometim they rg te. However, we get to hot water when we allow stereotyp to get the way of unrstandg the uniquens of dividuals and their circumstanc—so is important to remember that not all mothers and gay sons are close. Sadly, some mothers simply nnot adjt to their sons' homosexualy, due to their guilt, relig ncerns, or abily to "let go" and accept the ways they live their liv.

GAY MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS: IS THERE A SPECIAL CLOSENS?

For sure, gay men, their mothers and those who assist them need to explore and unrstand the val relatnships. They immediately clocked as gay, while we immediately clocked them as we warmed up to another, one mom anxly said: "I have a qutn: I am pretty sure my son is gay, but I don't know what to do.

"For example, if someone the word "gay" place of "stupid, " remd them that the two are not terchangeable, and suggt they should say what they actually mean stead. "The rourc n help:PFLAG: The untry’s largt anizatn ung parents, fai, and alli wh people who are lbian, gay, bisexual, transgenr, and Spectm: Offers groups, trag, and rourc promotg genr sensivy and cln for all youthGLBT Natnal Rource Database: LGBTQ+ digal directory of rourcNatnal Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network: Directory of therapists/unselors who are people of lorNatnal LGBTQ Task Force: The progrsive advocy arm of the LGBTQ+ movementDurg LGBTQ Pri Month, TODAY is sharg the muny’s history, pa, joy and what’s next for the movement. So below I've provid a better list of ways to tell if your son is a gay person who is you e home om work and you hear nois upstairs and you go up to vtigate and your son's door is open and you tch him "hookg up" (as kids ll today) wh his iend Michael, and you quickly turn around and walk back downstairs and later that night over dner you say "You know, honey, if there's ever anythg you need to tell me...

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR SON IS GAY

" and he says "Mom, I'm gay, " then your son is your son has recently gone to llege and hasn't been touch much and you figure hey he's new to llege, he's by makg iends and whatnot, and then late one night he lls you on the phone soundg upset about somethg and you ask him what's wrong and he's quiet for a while and then says "Nothg's wrong, really, I'm jt...

MANY PARENTS STGGLE TO ADJT AFTER LEARNG CHILD IS GAY, STUDY FDS

Dad, I'm gay, " then your son is your son ever been on a long drive to one of your dghter's swim meets wh you and when stopped at a red light he's turned to you and said "Mom, I feel like I owe to you and dad to tell you that, well, Donald is my boyiend. Chanc are that if you are on your athbed and your tranged son to vis you the middle of a ray night and he ss by your bed quietly until he begs to cry and clutch your hand and says "I wish I'd told you sooner that I'm gay" and then you both stay there silence, you pretendg to be asleep, the only noise the beepg of the mach that will only keep you alive for a ltle while longer, your son is you and your spoe are ever visg your son the big cy he now liv wh all his fancy iends and fancy rtrants and you're out to an awkward lunch before your tra home and you three get to another potls fight about years-old stuff and 's really unfortable and fally you or your spoe says "Well, if you'd jt settle down wh the right girl, I thk-" and then your son terpts you by yellg "Guys, I'm GAY.

" and then you lgh and ms his hair and the livg room your hband shows your son's boyiend his mol ships, then your son is probably gay, though he might be bisexual, so be reful about your son ever says "Oh my goodns, " when surprised or when openg a gift, well then yeah, he probably gay. A new study nducted by rearchers at Gee Washgton Universy found that most parents of lbian, gay, and bisexual youth have difficulty adjtg after their kids e study says is one of the first to systematilly exame the experience of parents raisg lbian, gay and bisexual children.

”The study found that Ain Amerin and Lato parents have a harr time acceptg their lbian, gay and bisexual children, as do the parents of children who e out at a later study, which surveyed a much larger sample size than prev studi, nfirmed smaller studi that showed parents’ negative reactns tend to ease over time; the first two years are the harst for were no signifint differenc reactns between mother and father, the age of the parent, or the genr of the child. The study did not exame the reactns for the parents of transgenr general, acceptance seems to be growg rapidly for lbian, gay and bisexual youth.

YOUR CHILD JT TOLD YOU HE'S GAY. NOW WHAT?

You might ask how long he or she has known, and why he feels he is gay, bi, or trans, suggts Jonathan Tobk, M. D., a psychiatrist private practice New York Cy and the -thor of When Your Child Is Gay: What You Need to Know.

I NNOT AL WH FACT MY SON IS GAY

PFLAG, or Parents for Lbians and Gays, which now has a group for transgenr youth, and holds natnwi chapters and meetgs;. He me home one weekend to expla to me and my hband that he has been livg wh his partner for three months and has known he was gay sce he was 17.

UPSET: Mary n't e to terms wh the fact that her son is gay / pic posed by molsI was vastated and me as a shock bee Gav has the past brought girliends home to meet .

MY SON MIGHT BE GAY. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HIM?

Perhaps is ls difficult than once was bee there is ls secrecy and ls opprobrium surroundg homosexualy but is still hard bee upsets all your expectatns about your mt have been very difficult for Gav to e home and tell you this.

I psed on our lol PBS affiliate, where a huge choir was sgg, and after a few sends I realized was the Gay Men's Chos of some cy or another dog a fundraisg ncert. At this time my life, I was 99 percent certa I was gay, though nowhere near ready to sprg on my parents.

We had no gay people our liv back then, no way to gge my fay's level of watched as they livered a rendn of what I remember as "Somewhere Over the Rabow, " bee eher they or my memory are unfivably basic. Stirrg and brave and subversive, g as did a time before marriage equaly was on the map, a time when you only saw gay people on the news. I'd love to say that you should do a big, showy "Hey, I sure do like those gay people" at the dner table.

HOW I ACCINTALLY FOUND OUT MY DAD IS GAY

My brother picked up the word for "gay" – a word my dad repeated several tim durg that that pot, my parents had told they had problems their marriage, but a few months later, when I was around ne years old, we still went on our annual fay summer holiday to France. I once tagged along wh him to his favoure gay bar, where I met all the iends he's ma there over the years.

"How you react to your gay or transgenr children has a ep and lastg impact on their liv, " the Fay Acceptance Project says an rmatn gui.

Project director Cal Ryan utns parents agast exprsg shame that their child me out or preventg them om fdg an LGBT support Montgomery of Chandler, Ariz., wasn’t sure what to do when she realized her then-13-year-old son Jordan might be gay. "Comg om a very nservative, very Orthodox, multigeneratnal Mormon home, I didn’t know any gay people, " she says.

YEP, HE’S GAY

" The three of them did rearch together to learn more about homosexualy and to try to fd lol LGBT anizatns and rourc.