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article-groups leadg-100 mb-8"><li class="le font-polysans-mono text-12 font-medium upperse trackg-12 text-blurple"><a class="hover:shadow-unrle-her" href="/how-to-be-human">How to be human</a><span class="px-6">/</span></li><li class="le font-polysans-mono text-12 font-medium upperse trackg-12 text-blurple"><a class="hover:shadow-unrle-her" href="/advice">Advice</a></li></ul><h1 class="mb-28 hidn max-w-[900px] font-polysans text-45 font-bold leadg-100 selectn:bg-ankl-20 lg:block">How to be human: when you fall love wh the very unavailable</h1><span class="sticky-nav-trigger"></span><div class="flex flex-l lg:flex-row-reverse lg:jtify-end"><div class="flex-l lg:flex lg:ml-40"><div class="mb-24 grow"><h1 class="le font-polysans text-22 font-bold leadg-110 md:text-33 lg:hidn">How to be human: when you fall love wh the very unavailable</h1></div><div><div class="mb-16 w-[200px] borr-t borr-gray-bd lg:hidn"></div><div class="mb-2 text-blurple [&>p>span:first-child]:text-gray-13 [&]:text-gray-13"><p class="duet--article--article-byle max-w-[550px] font-polysans text-12 leadg-120"><span>By</span> <span><span class="duet--article-byle-and"></span> <span class="font-medium"><a class="hover:shadow-unrle-her" href="/thors/leah-reich">Leah Reich</a></span></span></p></div><div class="duet--article--date-and-ments mb-12 font-polysans text-12 text-gray-5a le-block"><time dateTime="2016-12-04T16:59:01.000Z" class="duet--article--timtamp font-polysans text-12"> <!-- -->Dec 4, 2016, 4:59 PM UTC</time><span class="mx-8">|</span><button tle="Go to ments" class="duet--article--ments-lk le-block md:le"><svg class="mr-4 le" width="12" height="12" fill="none" viewBox="0 0 12 12" stroke-width="1px" xmlns="><tle>Comments</tle><path d="M2.4 9.1h-.207l-.147.146L.5 10.793V1.2c0-.384.316-.7.7-.7h9.6c.384 0 .7.316.7.7v7.2c0 .384-.316.7-.7.7H2.4Z" stroke="currentColor"></path></svg><span class="font-polysans text-12 unrle"><span class="ral-unt" 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(2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 96w, (2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 128w, (2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 256w, (2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 376w, (2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 384w, (2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 415w, (2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 480w, (2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 540w, (2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 640w, (2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 750w, (2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 828w, (2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 1080w, (2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 1200w, (2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 1440w, (2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 1920w, (2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 2048w, (2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/ 2400w" src="(2490x910:2491x911):format(webp)/" dg="async" data-nimg="rponsive" style="posn:absolute;top:0;left:0;bottom:0;right:0;box-sizg:borr-box;paddg:0;borr:none;marg:to;display:block;width:0;height:0;m-width:100%;max-width:100%;m-height:100%;max-height:100%;object-f:ver"/></span><div class="duet--media--ptn pt-6 font-polysans-mono text-12 font-light leadg-130 trackg-1"> <ce class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup le not-alic text-gray-63 dark:text-gray-bd [&>a:hover]:text-gray-63 [&>a:hover]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&>a:hover]:text-gray-bd dark:[&>a:hover]:shadow-unrle-gray [&>a]:shadow-unrle-gray-63 dark:[&>a]:text-gray-bd dark:[&>a]:shadow-unrle-gray"><a href="><strong>Iouri Gosev/Flickr</strong></a></ce></div></figure></div></div></div></div><div class="relative md:mx-to md:flex md:max-w-ntaer-md lg:max-w-none"><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent-ntaer clearfix sm:ml-to md:ml-100 md:max-w-article-body lg:mx-100"><div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><a href="><em>Leah Reich</em></a><em> was one of the first ter advice lumnists. Her lumn "</em><a href="><em>Ask Leah</em></a><em>" ran on IGN, where she gave advice to gamers for two and a half years. Durg the day, Leah is Slack’s er rearcher, but her views here do not reprent her employer. How to be Human ns every other Sunday. You n wre to her at <strong> </strong>and </em><a href="><em>read more How to be Human here</em></a>.</p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><strong>Hi Leah,</strong></p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><strong>I’m a 21-year-old gay male who liv the Pacific Northwt. I’m out to those close to me, but I’m the closet publicly for now. I feel ’s a personal thg, my sexualy, so I only tell to those I re about. Pl, I live a super-nservative unty, and after the electn, tst me when I say ’s better I stay the closet for the time beg. The kd of hate I’m seeg lately towards mori is sry as hell.</strong></p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><strong>Beg gay, and livg where I do, I’ve never… well, had a romantic relatnship and obvly, I’ve never gone the distance wh anyone eher. (I’ll eely adm, that’s a tough thg for me to say, pecially when we live a society where sex is held such high regard, and those who don’t have are eher unattractive or have ‘other’ issu.) I didn’t fake High School and pretend to be straight by havg a girliend or anythg like that. I jt managed to avoid the qutn, and sce I intify strongly on the mascule si of the spectm, most people haven’t a clue.</strong></p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><strong>So whout any romantic background, I’ve found I velop csh fairly easily on guys I’m around, pecially those who are attractive both personaly and looks. Nothg’s ever e of the though, as I’ve never had the urage to act on them sce I’ve never been able to tell if the guys are actually gay or not. Let’s jt say that when to flirtg, relatnships, and sex, I’m hopelsly lost and experienced.</strong></p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><strong>So, about a year ago at work, a new employee was hired. He’s olr than me by about ne years, but he’s still credibly young and extremely, extremely attractive. He’s a jock who’s very f, tall and handsome. But he’s also extremely kd and our personali kda clicked.</strong></p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><strong>At first before I really got to know him, I veloped the ual csh on him. And as we beme iends, and as I got to know him more, that csh went away and somethg far more powerful replaced . I began to fall love wh him. I’m nfint ’s love bee well, when I’m around him, talkg to him, I feel good — extremely good, like I’m worth a ln bucks kda good. He mak me se and happy; he mak me lgh. I feel whole around him. And whenever I thk of him, I get such strong emotns that I sometim feel physilly sick. As I said, I’ve had several dozen csh over the years. None have ever e close to the feelgs I have for my worker. In a perfect world, I hontly thk he’s the one. Our chemistry seems almost too perfect. I would do anythg for him. Take a bullet for him, no qutns asked. This gets to the root of my problem. In a perfect world, my worker would be gay and sgle.</strong></p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><strong>Sadly, this isn’t a perfect world, and my worker is straight, and very recently married.</strong></p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><strong>Yay me. Fallg for someone I uld never, ever hope to ever be wh. I’m certaly not nial about , but here’s the thg, I don’t know how to <em>un-</em>fall love wh him. I’ve tried distancg myself om him at work and ignorg him, but that don’t work. And while I n never be there for him the way I’d like, I do not want to lose him as a iend. He’s lerally the only out-of-clost iend I have and losg him would only make the pa of our suatn unbearable.</strong></p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><strong>Some thgs you should know. I have told him I’m gay (he was very supportive and thanked me for my tst him), and I’ve very recently told him about my feelgs towards him. I wasn’t pletely hont to the extent that those feelgs go, but he got the msage.</strong></p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><strong>The part that kills me, is his rponse to my admtance was along the l of “I’m really sorry” and “I’ll be there for you if you want, whatever you need,” or “if you need some time or distance to work this out that’s ol…”</strong></p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><strong>What I didn’t get and what I was hopg for was downright rejectn. He never told me that he didn’t feel the same. He never said explicly that he wasn’t open to beg somethg more.</strong></p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><strong>Maybe he felt was implied, wh his marriage and all but hontly, my md is graspg at whatever hope remas. Sad, I know, but I don’t know how to get past this. All I do know is he’s a great guy, and he serv someone better than me. It’s not fair to him that I’m like this. It’s not right, and I feel pretty ashamed about actually.</strong></p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><strong>Lastly, I’m someone who’s stggled wh beg alone for a long time. I would often spend sleepls nights paralyzed by lonels, but my worker and the feelgs I have for him has largely filled this void. I’m terrified of gog back to the way thgs were before he me along. I don’t want to feel that way aga, but I know if I do let him go that I will end up feelg this way aga.</strong></p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><strong>Anyways, unrequed love. It kda sucks. So if you have any advice, or need more tails, I’m all ears. It’s not that I don’t know how to be human. I’m aaid that I’m feelg too much as a human. Please help.</strong></p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><strong>Thank you,</strong></p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe"><strong>-Sigma Tell </strong></p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe">Hey ST,</p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe">Oh my iend, have you e to the right place. You know, the reason I lled this lumn How To Be Human is bee beg human is hard. It’s a challenge for most of — whether we feel too much, not much at all, or simply don’t know how to handle whatever feelgs we have. Hontly, most of a batn of the three at var pots our liv. </p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe">Here’s another reason this is the right place. Your humble advice lumnist spent much of her life pursu of people who were unavailable for one reason or other. I’ve had to e to some hont and paful realizatns about why I did that, and I want to share those tths wh you. They might be hard to hear, and you might dismiss them. That’s okay. Would you believe took me until I was 40 to fally listen to this advice myself, and to unrstand my behavr a way that’s allowed me to start changg ? This is my way of sayg that you should save this letter and read ocsnally. You’ll know when you’re ready to <em>hear </em> and to change. (It’s also my wkg way of sayg that ’s not surprisg a 30-year-old man still seems so youthful. He is!)</p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe">The first thg I want to acknowledge is that I n never know what ’s like to grow up as a young gay man. That don’t mean I n’t empathize wh you, though. I also want to addrs ia that beg a virg or beg sexually experienced means somethg is wrong wh you. Our society has a much more plited relatnship wh sex than simply “high regard” — although tradnal heterosexual society and gay muni are neher the same nor monolhic. Regardls, please know that while I unrstand ’s tough for you to adm your lack of experience, I want to enurage you to not see as a failure, as somethg wrong wh you, or even as somethg weird or bad. There are far more people like you out there than you realize. It’s jt that, like you, they don’t talk about , bee we don’t make fortable for people to talk about a lack of experience.</p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe">But your letter isn’t about sex. It’s about unrequed love, specifilly for your worker. Even though I’ve <a href=">wrten about</a> <a href=">unrequed love before</a>, I haven’t had the chance to wre what I want to say to you. Which is this:</p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe">Fallg for unavailable people is a very easy thg to do. Many of do , sometim for most of our liv. The person may be emotnally or geographilly unavailable, married or otherwise a long-term monogamo relatnship, gay or straight or simply not attracted to , and so on. Emotns are not always very logil thgs. Attractn is often a mystery nctn of physil and mental chemistry, timg, mood, and more. Humans are still animals at some level, right? I get that your attractn to your worker is a very real thg that you n’t totally ntrol, and I don’t want to dismiss that part of .</p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe">The problem is that fallg for unavailable people is a way to avoid realy. This is pecially temptg when our realy is, like yours, ls than ial. You live a place where you have an extremely limed chance of meetg someone available to you. You don’t feel fortable or safe beg out publicly, which means you n’t openly look for a man you’d want to date or sleep wh, and likely means other gay men who live where you do feel siarly. LGBTQ muni have long relied on signs, s, and hidn spac, many of which are still pafully necsary around the world and, unfortunately, here the US. The ter n help wh nnectns as well, for people who don’t live urban areas wh more active gay, lbian, or trans muni. But you still live where you live, and maybe there aren’t many spac like this where you are, or maybe you haven’t found the people who n show them to you, bee no one feels safe talkg publicly and you pass as straight, so your cycle ntu. </p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent clear-both block md:float-left md:mr-30 md:w-[320px] lg:-ml-100"><div class="duet--article--article-pullquote mb-20"><div class="mb-10 h-[22px] w-[65px] bg-ankl"></div><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup relative bg-repeatg-l-dark bg-[length:1px_1.2em] pb-8 font-polysans text-28 font-medium leadg-120 trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:bg-repeatg-l-light dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple">Fallg for unavailable people is a very easy thg to do</p></div></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe">Your realy is more than jt this, though. You’re secure about a lot of thgs, cludg your lack of sexual experience. There’s a lot you want to hi. You don’t have the nfince to go out and look for men who might be available to you. What if they judge or lgh at you? What if you don’t know what to do? I also n see you have a ep sense that somethg is wrong wh you. Not only do you mentn this relatn to sex, you brg up aga wh rpect to your worker: He serv someone better than you. When you thk of yourself as a flawed, broken, not-good-enough person, you fd yourself attracted to the people you thk you serve. The people tend to also be flawed, broken, not-good-enough — or people who are so totally unavailable you n create an entire fantasy about who they are and what your life wh them would be like. And by you, I also mean me and all of .</p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe">I promise I’m not dismissg your feelgs for this guy. I have felt exactly as you do about people who were so unavailable to me ’s md-bogglg when I thk about after the fact. And much of my unrequed love has e om my own sire to avoid realy. Why? Bee realy is hard and ’s not always fun. It’s easier to go after people who aren’t available so you n pe forever rather than adm you’re sred to be a relatnship or to m to someone, or so the relatnship n fail for reasons that you n blame on someone or somethg else. Longg for an unavailable person means you don’t have to get hont wh yourself about why, ep down si, you don’t thk you serve someone wonrful, or why you believe someone wonrful serv a better partner than you uld ever hope to be. It is much easier to believe someone else is perfect or at least perfect for you than to regnize and act on your own realy.</p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe">ST, I do not want you to go back to your cshg lonels. I would not wish that on almost anyone. You are a tough spot, lerally and figuratively. You have to thk not only about yourself but about where you live and what your optns are. I don’t have an easy answer for you, but I do have a place for you to beg: You have to get real about your suatn, and you have to start workg on feelg good about yourself. You need to fd more people you n feel safe around, cludg other gay men. Maybe also a therapist, one who is very LGBTQ iendly. You need to feel okay wh yourself so you n <em>be</em> yourself. It’s easier to tell this straight guy about your lack of experience but to tell another gay man probably feels impossible, right? But who is more likely to be able to help you learn to flirt, to regnize other gay men, to fd someone who will help you experiment sexually a safe, nsensual way? I don’t know if you n move, or if you want to, but you do need to fd a way to expand your iend circle and support work. Look for rourc near you, or the neart cy. There are fely other gay men near where you live, you jt have to try and fd them a more stctured way. I bet if you searched for volunteer groups or book clubs or gyms or lerally anythg a nearby large cy, you’d fd somethg. It will be terrifyg, but you n do . Carve out the space to start workg toward a better realy.</p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe">Right now, you have vted nearly all your emotns to a sgle person. He’s your only close iend and your heart’s te sire. This is not staable, eher for you or for him. Give this iend of yours a break and be willg to see the realy that suatn too. He has rejected to you, but an credibly kd way. I thk is a ttament to him as a human and to your iendship that he handled your admissn of feelgs wh kdns. Not bee you’re gay and he’s straight, but bee ’s hard to rpond gracefully when anyone lik you a way you n’t reciprote. It’s awkward, and sometim brgs up feelgs you’re not ready to al wh. Maybe he’s qutned his sexualy, or maybe he’s feelg uncerta about havg gotten married, or maybe he’s feelg god knows what. Don’t ph for him to give you an outright rejectn when ’s you who needs to be willg to honor his iendship by hearg what he’s sayg. And don’t ph yourself to be iends wh him if the romantic feelgs are too overwhelmg.</p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent clear-both block"><div class="duet--article--article-pullquote mb-20"><div class="mb-10 h-[22px] w-[65px] bg-ankl"></div><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup relative bg-repeatg-l-dark bg-[length:1px_1.2em] pb-8 font-polysans text-28 font-medium leadg-120 trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:bg-repeatg-l-light dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple">It is much easier to believe someone else is perfect for you than to regnize and act on your own realy</p></div></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe">You and I are a lot alike. We have big feelgs and romantic sensibili. We thk hearg someone apologize or reject will somehow solve a suatn or make easier. We kd of want to be rcued rather than diggg and fixg our suatns by ourselv. We vt way too much one person, all our hop and expectatns and energi, and then are thst back to lonels and isolatn when that don’t pan out. I’ve spent a long time figurg out why I’m like this, and how I’d like to be different. I want you to do the same.</p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe">The tth is that fdg relatnships of all sorts, iends or romantic and sexual partners is a msy bs. It’s hard even for people who feel nfint or who live plac where there are more optns than you have. That’s why people like lumns like me. Hey, I’m an advice lumnist and I often don’t don’t know what to do when to my own datg life! Jt last night, I was tryg to figure out how to have a drk wh someone I’m attracted to whout makg totally obv I want to have a drk wh them! </p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe">Beg a human is hard. It’s somethg you kd of have to work on every day. I don’t want you to spend the next two s thkg the only optns are “cshg lonels” and “this person is THE ONE and we are sted to be together, if only they would see .” It is a lossal waste of your time and of your love. I want you to be able to love this iend the way you both serve—as a te iend, one who n be there for him the way he is for you. I want you to have other close iends you tst. I want you to be able to love men who are available to love and sire you. I want you to have really great sex. And the only way you n do that is to figure out how to rcue yourself. </p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"><p class="duet--article--dangeroly-set-cms-markup duet--article--standard-paragraph mb-20 font-fkroman text-18 leadg-160 -trackg-1 selectn:bg-ankl-20 dark:text-whe dark:selectn:bg-blurple [&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-ankl dark:[&_a:hover]:shadow-highlight-blurple [&_a]:shadow-unrle-black dark:[&_a]:shadow-unrle-whe">Lx</p></div><div class="duet--article--article-body-ponent"></div></div><div class="mb-40 mt-30"><button class="duet--article--ments-button group le-flex h-40 w-full ems-center jtify-center round-[2px] borr-[1px] borr-solid borr-blurple font-polysans-mono text-11 font-light upperse trackg-12 text-blurple hover:bg-blurple hover:text-whe md:w-to md:px-30"><svg class="mr-10 le pt-2" width="12" height="14" fill="none" viewBox="0 0 12 12" stroke-width="1px" xmlns="><tle>Comments</tle><path d="M2.4 9.1h-.207l-.147.146L.5 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_1gsaw2w4" data-ncert="medium_rectangle_gamtop"></div><sectn class="duet--article--more-stori bg-ankl px-20 pb-16 pt-30 lg:pb-36 lg:pt-50"><div class="md:mx-to md:max-w-ntaer-md lg:max-w-ntaer-lg"><h2 class="mb-16 font-polysans-mono text-16 font-light leadg-120 trackg-2 text-gray-13">More om<!-- --> <a class="borr-b font-medium hover:borr-blurple hover:text-blurple" href="/how-to-be-human">How to be human</a></h2><ul class="divi-y"><li class="flex ems-start borr-black/30 py-16 lg:ems-center"><div class="relative ml-10 mr-20 aspect-square h-[60px] w-[60px] [&>span]:round-[2px]"><span style="box-sizg:borr-box;display:block;overflow:hidn;width:ial;height:ial;background:none;opacy:1;borr:0;marg:0;paddg:0;posn:absolute;top:0;left:0;bottom:0;right:0"><img alt="Whe Hoe" src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" dg="async" data-nimg="fill" style="posn:absolute;top:0;left:0;bottom:0;right:0;box-sizg:borr-box;paddg:0;borr:none;marg:to;display:block;width:0;height:0;m-width:100%;max-width:100%;m-height:100%;max-height:100%;object-f:ver"/><noscript><img alt="Whe Hoe" loadg="lazy" dg="async" data-nimg="fill" style="posn:absolute;top:0;left:0;bottom:0;right:0;box-sizg:borr-box;paddg:0;borr:none;marg:to;display:block;width:0;height:0;m-width:100%;max-width:100%;m-height:100%;max-height:100%;object-f:ver" siz="100vw" srcSet="(550x413:551x414):format(webp)/ 376w, (550x413:551x414):format(webp)/ 415w, (550x413:551x414):format(webp)/ 480w, (550x413:551x414):format(webp)/ 540w, (550x413:551x414):format(webp)/ 640w, (550x413:551x414):format(webp)/ 750w, (550x413:551x414):format(webp)/ 828w, (550x413:551x414):format(webp)/ 1080w, (550x413:551x414):format(webp)/ 1200w, (550x413:551x414):format(webp)/ 1440w, (550x413:551x414):format(webp)/ 1920w, (550x413:551x414):format(webp)/ 2048w, (550x413:551x414):format(webp)/ 2400w" src="(550x413:551x414):format(webp)/"/></noscript></span></div><h3 class="font-polysans text-22 font-medium leadg-100 -trackg-1 lg:text-34"><a class="hover:shadow-unrle-black" href="/2018/1/20/16913534/print-donald-tmp-signed-fisa-amendments-rethorizatn-act-of-2017-sectn-702">Print Donald Tmp has signed the FISA rethorizatn bill</a></h3></li><li class="flex ems-start borr-black/30 py-16 lg:ems-center"><div class="relative ml-10 mr-20 aspect-square h-[60px] w-[60px] [&>span]:round-[2px]"><span style="box-sizg:borr-box;display:block;overflow:hidn;width:ial;height:ial;background:none;opacy:1;borr:0;marg:0;paddg:0;posn:absolute;top:0;left:0;bottom:0;right:0"><img alt="Ex Macha promotnal still (A24)" src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" dg="async" data-nimg="fill" style="posn:absolute;top:0;left:0;bottom:0;right:0;box-sizg:borr-box;paddg:0;borr:none;marg:to;display:block;width:0;height:0;m-width:100%;max-width:100%;m-height:100%;max-height:100%;object-f:ver"/><noscript><img alt="Ex Macha promotnal still (A24)" loadg="lazy" dg="async" data-nimg="fill" style="posn:absolute;top:0;left:0;bottom:0;right:0;box-sizg:borr-box;paddg:0;borr:none;marg:to;display:block;width:0;height:0;m-width:100%;max-width:100%;m-height:100%;max-height:100%;object-f:ver" siz="100vw" srcSet="(574x551:575x552):format(webp)/ 376w, (574x551:575x552):format(webp)/ 415w, (574x551:575x552):format(webp)/ 480w, (574x551:575x552):format(webp)/ 540w, (574x551:575x552):format(webp)/ 640w, (574x551:575x552):format(webp)/ 750w, (574x551:575x552):format(webp)/ 828w, (574x551:575x552):format(webp)/ 1080w, (574x551:575x552):format(webp)/ 1200w, (574x551:575x552):format(webp)/ 1440w, (574x551:575x552):format(webp)/ 1920w, (574x551:575x552):format(webp)/ 2048w, 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style="posn:absolute;top:0;left:0;bottom:0;right:0;box-sizg:borr-box;paddg:0;borr:none;marg:to;display:block;width:0;height:0;m-width:100%;max-width:100%;m-height:100%;max-height:100%;object-f:ver"/><noscript><img alt="Gay Pri Is Celebrated In Berl" loadg="lazy" dg="async" data-nimg="fill" style="posn:absolute;top:0;left:0;bottom:0;right:0;box-sizg:borr-box;paddg:0;borr:none;marg:to;display:block;width:0;height:0;m-width:100%;max-width:100%;m-height:100%;max-height:100%;object-f:ver" siz="100vw" srcSet="(1750x1167:1751x1168):format(webp)/ 376w, (1750x1167:1751x1168):format(webp)/ 415w, (1750x1167:1751x1168):format(webp)/ 480w, (1750x1167:1751x1168):format(webp)/ 540w, (1750x1167:1751x1168):format(webp)/ 640w, (1750x1167:1751x1168):format(webp)/ 750w, (1750x1167:1751x1168):format(webp)/ 828w, (1750x1167:1751x1168):format(webp)/ 1080w, (1750x1167:1751x1168):format(webp)/ 1200w, (1750x1167:1751x1168):format(webp)/ 1440w, (1750x1167:1751x1168):format(webp)/ 1920w, 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