What to Do When Your Child Says: "I'm Gay" | Psychology Today

Contents:

• AM I GAY?
• HOW TO ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE GAY
• AM I GAY? QUIZ – 100% RELIABLE TT
• HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE GAY
• I’M GAY, BUT I’M AAID TO E OUT. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
• SAVAGE LOVE: I AM A LONELY, AGG GAY MAN; WHAT SHOULD I DO?
• 17 PIEC OF DATG ADVICE FOR GAY, BI, AND PANSEXUAL MEN
• HOW TO DEAL WHEN YOUR BT FRIEND IS GAY
• I AM A GUY, AND I GET SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO OTHER MEN. AM I GAY?
• I THK I MIGHT BE GAY OR BI OR TRANS OR QUEER. WHAT DO I DO?
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU'RE GAY AND LONELY
• IF YOU’RE GAY, SHOULD YOU SEE A GAY THERAPIST?
• I LIKE GUYS BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE GAY. HOW DO I STOP BEG GAY?
• QUIZ: WHAT TYPE OF GAY AM I?
• SHOULD A CHRISTIAN ATTEND THE WEDDG OF A GAY UPLE?
• “MOM, DAD… I’M GAY.” A CHRISTIAN PARENT’S RPONSE
• ‘I AM GAY – BUT I WASN’T BORN THIS WAY’
• AM I GAY OR STRAIGHT? MAYBE THIS FUN QUIZ WILL TELL ME
• WHAT SHOULD A GAY CATHOLIC DO?
• ONE OF MY STUNTS US ANTI-GAY SLURS AROUND ME
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"

AM I GAY?

Gay - While this adjective has historilly scribed men who are attracted to other men, the term now is ed to refer to anyone who experienc romantic, emotnal, or physil attractn to people of the same genr. Most people the LGBTQ+ muny know om experience that acceptg your sexualy will lead to your beg a happier, more open this gui, the term gay has been ed to clu all forms of non-heterosexual attractn, whether that be people who are lbian, gay, bisexual, queer, pansexual, or otherwise not straight. Beg gay do not necsarily make you any ls mascule or feme, and there is no need or prsure to nform to stereotyp that don't feel right to you - bee you are who you are.

HOW TO ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE GAY

The laws the Bible were maly for health purpos - shunng homosexualy is right next to not gettg tattoos, not eatg pork, and not wearg mixed lens, but you n bet your bottom dollar all your neighbors do those thgs. You may regret the acceptance of your orientatn the future, pecially if you're a part of the world where the gay muny is beg prosecuted by a specific culture.

AM I GAY? QUIZ – 100% RELIABLE TT

Article SummaryXIf you stggle wh acceptg your attractn to the same sex, know that beg gay is pletely normal and you n be proud of who you are by fdg support and embracg your dividualy.

Even if some of the wilst adventur wh your girliend don’t exce you and the image of another man shirtls or a naked photo exc you to the re, then there are chanc that you might be gay. If you have had romantic experienc or fantasi volvg people who are the same genr as you, then there is a good chance you are gay or bisexual, but 's okay if you're a ltle nfed. While g out — tellg people you’re gay — n be a great experience for teens who have support om their fai and muni, sounds like you may not have this kd of acceptance.

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE GAY

” Durg his rearch, Hobb found that, spe growg legal and social acceptance, a worryg percentage of gay men still stggle wh prsn, anxiety and suicidal iatn. “LAG isn’t the only gay guy who has aged out of the bar scene—so have I—and stggl to fd sex and pannship away om alhol and right swip, ” said Hobb. In addn, sexual orientatn is not jt about who you have feelgs for, 's also about how you thk of yourself (as, straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual, or somethg else), and how you actually behave.

” Jo a club or other muny projectThanks to Meetup, Bumble BFF, and lol Facebook groups, there are “bisexual baker meetups, ” “gay dodgeball teams, ” “pansexual pri march, ” and “‘Queer Eye’ watch parti.

Homophobia manifts along a spectm; some people merely betray a d disfort toward the ia of gay love, while others let their tolerance rry them to acts of verbal or physil abe.

I’M GAY, BUT I’M AAID TO E OUT. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

" Often, when someone gets their words put back to their fac, they will back off – or at least see how you're terpretg what they said as homophobia. Article SummaryXIf you have to al wh homophob, first remd yourself that there's nothg wrong wh lovg someone of the same genr and that you don't have to engage wh people who treat you this way. Instead of givg a homophobic bully the reactn they want, for example, you uld walk away or ask a supervisor, like a school unselor or HR manager, to step .

" If you want to talk about your iend to a parent or guardian, try askg "Would you be okay wh me mentng that you're gay to my parents if me up, or would you prefer that I keep quiet? Article SummaryXIt might e as a b of a shock to fd out your bt iend is gay, but by supportg them and givg yourself time to get ed to , your iendship n be jt like was. So, puttg out the box, you not beg heterosexual uld also mean that you’re homosexual, bisexual, asexual or even pansexual (a term that I jt learnt).

SAVAGE LOVE: I AM A LONELY, AGG GAY MAN; WHAT SHOULD I DO?

" And while would be so nice to shake a magic 8 ball and get some clary here, 's actually ccial for you to e to the answer all on your are some thgs to keep md if you're thkg you might be gay:You're not you're thkg that you might be gay, then know that you have a whole built- support group of wonrful and diverse people who are jt wag to meet you.

17 PIEC OF DATG ADVICE FOR GAY, BI, AND PANSEXUAL MEN

Everyone is wele to the table, and you're bound to meet some pretty credible humans once you take a 's ok if you don't have 's a huge leap om "I feel a ltle different" to "I'm a mascule-of-center genrqueer gay woman.

Read up on the difference between thgs like genr inty and sexual orientatn so you n get a better grasp of what's gog on your head and are a few other anizatns where you n fd supportive muni and so much more:The Trevor Project: A natnal anizatn providg crisis terventn and suici preventn servic to lbian, gay, bisexual, transgenr and qutng (LGBTQ) young people ag 13-24. It Gets Better Project: A nonprof anizatn wh a missn to uplift, empower, and nnect lbian, gay, bisexual, transgenr, and queer youth around the Lifele: A non-prof dited to the well beg of transgenr to learn more about g out?

Part of realizg you're gay, or bi, or trans, or non-bary, or anythg other than cisgenr and heterosexual is acceptg you’re different—and somewhat separated—om the majory. At the time, there were no real gay role mols except for Graham Norton and Jack om Dawson's Creek—and I certaly didn't intify wh him bee I wasn't a football player. Addnally, a gay male therapist n spend time wh you talkg about shared gay muny norms, which n help you make cisns about what’s healthy for you and/or how you may want to modulate your behavr.

HOW TO DEAL WHEN YOUR BT FRIEND IS GAY

Over the years I’ve worked wh gay male clients, I’ve found some men rentful of me based on ems that are important wh our muny: my succs, what I look like, my wardrobe, or—more signifintly—their assumptns about who I am based on their own projectns.

I AM A GUY, AND I GET SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO OTHER MEN. AM I GAY?

Consirg seeg a therapist who isn’t gay n seem a ltle sry; gay men often make assumptns about a straight therapist’s level of fort wh the thgs the client wants to talk about. And fdg someone outsi of the gay muny who is fortable wh all aspects of a gay client’s life n be a profound and healg experience; I’ve often sent gay clients to non-gay therapists.

I THK I MIGHT BE GAY OR BI OR TRANS OR QUEER. WHAT DO I DO?

From my pot of view, 's tertg to explore the assumptns gay men have about straight therapists, and the assumptns they make about how therapists view them. And sce we don’t live isolatn, a straight therapist n brg a perspective to the table that a gay therapist might not—they n speak out of their experience as a parent, for example. They might enter therapy for the first time wh a gay male therapist bee on some levels, as we’ve seen, the unrstandg of the gay muny may make seem easier to talk to a gay man.

At other tim, perhaps later life, a gay client may choose a different, straight therapist based on other creria that are important to that particular moment. Even if a straight therapist has had few or no gay clients, they still might offer precisely what you need, and a rponse along the l of, “I haven’t had that many experienc, and maybe you’ll help me unrstand more” is actually pretty ial; you’ll both be engaged the procs.

Some would ntend that a Christian should have no qualms about attendg a gay weddg and that one’s prence at a gay weddg do not necsarily dite support for the homosexual liftyle. I believe Rachel’s motivatn is to create a more welg and lovg environment the church for those who intify themselv as homosexuals, or who stggle wh homosexual sire. She seems to nvey that homosexual sir are not part of human brokenns, and that to pursue homosexual practic do not have any bearg on a person’s relatnship wh Christ.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU'RE GAY AND LONELY

Send, Rachel seems to intify everyone who tak the view that homosexual sir are part of broken human sfulns, and that homosexual actns are s, as bulli.

Sixth, if your son agre that homosexualy is sful, and he wants to have victory over the temptatns, then there are many Gospel promis you n enurage him wh. However, if he says that he believ homosexualy to be okay and he’s cid to pursue , then while assurg him of your ntued love and re, you mt lovgly warn him of the spirual and physil dangers of homosexualy. Rather I’d want him to see himself as creature ma God’s image, a man wh many parts to his inty, a person wh many gifts, a son wh a diverse character and personaly, one part of which, at least for the moment, is to have a homosexual sir.

IF YOU’RE GAY, SHOULD YOU SEE A GAY THERAPIST?

But I would ask his permissn to let the pastor know about his suatn bee I’d want to urge the pastor to greater sensivy towards those stgglg wh homosexualy. Like Rachel, I too have wced and crged as preachers have nmned homosexualy as if is an unfiveable abomatn that only weird and wicked people outsi of church stggled wh.

I LIKE GUYS BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE GAY. HOW DO I STOP BEG GAY?

Assumg that you haven’t been dwellg unr a homophobic rock for the past 20 years, you’ll know thatgay, bisexual, transgenr and other non- heterosexual people are beg creasgly fortable about owng their inti and “g out” legimacy of sexual orientatns (note: not “preferenc”) is a sealed chapter. Therefore, a person don’t jt ci to be is important that you not e the word “ci”, as impli that you are accg your iend of optg to be gay, makg them feel like they are at flt for the societal opprsn they enunter. ”Pop star Calum Stt talked to about beg an advote for LGBTQ youth, and how he unwds4 “How do you know you’re gay if you’ve never kissed a (member of the oppose genr)?

You so obvly nnot be gay, was her implitn, bee this is good was 2006, a full five years before Lady Gaga would set the Born This Way argument atop s unassailable cultural perch, but even then the popular unrstandg of orientatn was that was somethg you were born wh, somethg you uldn’t change. But what feels most accurate to say is that I’m gay – but I wasn’t born this people may fd their sir changg directn - and n't jt be explaed as experimentatn (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)In 1977, jt over 10% of Amerins thought gayns was somethg you were born wh, acrdg to Gallup.

QUIZ: WHAT TYPE OF GAY AM I?

Throughout the same perd, the number of Amerins who believe homosexualy is “due to someone’s upbrgg/environment” fell om jt unr 60% to ias reached cril mass pop culture, first wh Lady Gaga’s 2011 Born This Way and one year later wh Macklemore’s Same Love, the chos of which has a gay person sgg “I n’t change even if I tried, even if I wanted to. ” Around the same time, the Human Rights Campaign clared unequivolly that “Beg gay is not a choice, ” and to claim that is “giv unwarranted crence to roundly disproven practic such as nversn or reparative therapy.

”People who challenge the Born This Way narrative are often st as homophobic, and their thkg is nsired backwardAs Jane Ward not Not Gay: Sex Between Straight Whe Men, what’s tertg about many of the claims is how transparent their speakers are wh their polil motivatns. “Such statements, ” she wr, “fe blogil acunts wh an obligatory and nearly ercive force, suggtg that anyone who scrib homosexual sire as a choice or social nstctn is playg to the hands of the enemy.

” People who challenge the Born This Way narrative are often st as homophobic, and their thkg is nsired backward – even if they are themselv, for example, Cynthia Nixon of Sex and The Cy fame. ”Gay rights do not have to hge on a geic explanatn for sexualy (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)For Aravosis, and many gay activists like him, the public will only accept and affirm gay people if they thk they were born gay. Patrick Grzanka, Assistant Profsor of Psychology at Universy of Tennsee, for stance, has shown that some people who believe that homosexualy is nate still hold negative views of gays.

SHOULD A CHRISTIAN ATTEND THE WEDDG OF A GAY UPLE?

In fact, the homophobic and non-homophobic rponnts he studied shared siar levels of belief a Born This Way Samantha Allen not at The Daily Beast, the growg public support for gays and lbians has grown out of proportn wh the rise the number of people who believe homosexualy is fixed at birth; would be unlikely that this small change opn uld expla the spike support for gay marriage, for stance. “It don’t seem to matter as much whether or not people believe that gay people are born that way as do that they simply know someone who is currently gay, ” Allen spe of the studi, those who ph agast Born This Way narrativ have been heavily cricised by gay activists.

“MOM, DAD… I’M GAY.” A CHRISTIAN PARENT’S RPONSE

Siarly, Ward has received her own hatemail for phg agast the lg LGB narrativ, wh some gays tellg her she’s “worse than Ann Coulter, ” the ntroversial US thor of books like If Democrats Had Any Bras, They’d Be Republins.

And when I published my say on choosg to be gay, an irate Amerin lbian activist wrote me that had “jt been nfirmed” to her that my wrg was “directly rponsible for four gay aths Rsia. There is a unanimo opn that gay “nversn therapy” should be rejectedLet’s first be clear that whatever the origs of our sexual orientatn, there is a unanimo opn that gay “nversn therapy” should be rejected. The efforts are potentially harmful, acrdg to the APA, “bee they prent the view that the sexual orientatn of lbian, gay and bisexual youth is a mental illns of disorr, and they often ame the abily to change one’s sexual orientatn as a personal and moral failure.

‘I AM GAY – BUT I WASN’T BORN THIS WAY’

The APA, for example, while notg that most people experience ltle to no choice over their orientatns, says this of homosexualy’s origs:“Although much rearch has examed the possible geic, hormonal, velopmental, social and cultural fluenc on sexual orientatn, no fdgs have emerged that perm scientists to nclu that sexual orientatn is termed by any particular factor or factors. ”Siarly, the Amerin Psychiatric Associatn wr a 2013 statement that while the of heterosexualy and homosexualy are currently unknown, they are likely “multifactorial cludg blogil and behavral roots which may vary between different dividuals and may even vary over time.

” Acrdg to LeVay’s rearch, a specific part of the bra, the third terstial nucls of the anterr hypothalam (INAH-3), is smaller homosexual men than is heterosexual as they might, scientists have stggled to inty any particular gen that nsistently predict the directns of our love and sire (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)Read moreYou n spot the problem wh this study a e away: were the gay bras LeVay studied born that way, or did they bee that way? Another landmark paper on the origs of homosexualy was published 1993 by a geicist named Dean Hamer, who was terted to learn whether homosexualy uld be hered. Begng om his observatn that there are more gay relativ on a mother’s si than a father’s, Hamer turned his attentn to the X chromosome (which is passed on by the mother).

AM I GAY OR STRAIGHT? MAYBE THIS FUN QUIZ WILL TELL ME

Bis the dividual criqu leveled agast each new study announcg some gay gene disvery, there are major methodologil cricisms to make about the entire enterprise general, as Grzanka pots out: “If we look at the raveno pursu, particularly among Amerin scientists, to fd a gay gene, what we see is that the ncln has already been arrived at.

”The other problem wh Born This Way science is summed up nicely by Simon Copland: “Scientists are askg whether homosexualy is natural when we n’t even agree exactly what homosexualy is.

” Our sir may exprs themselv many different ways that do not all nform to existg notns of ‘gay’, ‘straight’ or ‘bisexual’ is one of the bt takeaways of Ward’s Not Gay, a peratg analysis of sex between straight whe men.

WHAT SHOULD A GAY CATHOLIC DO?

”Gay or not, our sir are oriented and re-oriented throughout our liv (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)In fact, the straight-intified men Ward studied for her book sometim found themselv suatns that sparked the sire for homosexual sex: aterni, ployments, public rtrooms, etc. Ward thks this qutn is the next ontier of queer I first said I chose to be gay, a queer Amerin journalist challenged me to name the time and date of my choice. I’m claimg that at some pot durg llege, my sexual and romantic sir beme reoriented toward menThkg back to my llege romanc wh women and men, I n beg to unrstand how my own experienc might have helped me to ‘cultivate’ my sire for homosexualy.

I want to be very clear: I’m not claimg I simply began to ‘grow to’ my homosexualy, or that as I beme more fortable wh beg gay, I allowed myself the eedom to exprs what had always been latent wh me. “Limg our unrstandg of any plex human experience is always gog to be worse than allowg to be plited, ” he gay rights activists pared sexualy to relign - a ccial part of our life that we should be ee to practise however we like (Cred: Ignac Lehamann)So what are we to do wh the Born This Way rhetoric? “That’s a very narrow unrstandg of what jtice looks like, ” says about the ncern that homophob will want to ‘enurage’ gay people to be straight if there’s no blogil basis for sexualy?

It don’t take too much creativy to image a scenar which homophobic parents, upon beg rmed their fet has ‘the gay gene’, choose what to them may seem the lser of two evils: abortn. ”Acrdg to surveys, ls than half of Generatn Z intify as "100% heterosexual", suggtg more and more people have embraced their sexual fluidy (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)Perhaps is time to look to the begng of the gay rights movement. “Then there was a shift, and the lears of the movement chose to jump on board wh a ls nuanced argument that people already unrstood: jt like race, people are born wh their homosexualy.

ONE OF MY STUNTS US ANTI-GAY SLURS AROUND ME

More than a third chose a number between one and rponse to the poll, one of my Facebook iends quipped about how natural selectn mt be workg overtime, what wh makg all of gay!

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"

I’m thankful for a new generatn that is pable of imagg sexualy a way that transcends the gay/straight bary, that uldn’t re ls about what happened to their bodi and mds to make them who they are today. The olr I got, the ls nfint I felt how well I knew myself, and the more I looked outward for anythg that might provi retrospect, maybe I should have known who I was the first time I went lookg for a quiz lled “Am I gay? I didn’t know I uld try somethg new before knowg I wanted and off throughout my 20s I had wished I were gay bee then I would have an explanatn for why men and me didn’t mix romantilly.

C., that would pull out of social servic the cy rather than acce to a bill that would afford benefs to same-sex spo, a qutn, too long neglected, aris for the whole church: What is a gay Catholic supposed to do life?