'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• I MARRIED A GAY MAN
• A GUI FOR GAY MEN ON BOTH OPEN AND MONOGAMO MARRIAGE
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

He’s also always been hont about beg gay and has never hidn om me. Our son took the news very well and don’t re that his father was gay. I’ve asked my hband about , and he nfirms that he’s gay, not bisexual.

I have doubts that he might leave me someday for a gay relatnship like he did his ex-wife. I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self. The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man). ” His gayns isn’t somethg you n ntralize by beg a sufficiently good or extra-lovg wife.

Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay? " Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men.

I MARRIED A GAY MAN

If a hband is gay, n vastate not only the relatnship but the straight wife as well. The cleart way to know if your hband is gay is if he tells you. If the hband is hont wh both you and wh himself (read: How Do I Know If I Am Gay?

Signs You Are Gay), that is when you n tly know that he is gay.

Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own. In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved. But if you're wonrg, "Is my man gay, " might be helpful to know that there are signs to look for, acrdg to Kaye.

A GUI FOR GAY MEN ON BOTH OPEN AND MONOGAMO MARRIAGE

Kaye has veloped the Official Gay Hband Checklist to help women know if their hbands are gay.

You fd pop-ups of gay pornography on the puter while he claims they are not his.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

He viss gay bars claimg he's there only to hang out wh his gay iend(s). He mak ntual homophobic ments or he mak too many gay ments nversatns. His ego appears to be boosted by pliments om gay men.

The signs a hband is gay are not meant to be five. A hband may be gay and display none of those signs or a hband may display the signs and not be gay. The signs of a gay hband are signed as a startg pot.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

Kaye advis that women "follow their stcts" when cidg whether their hband may be gay. If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner.

(If you're thkg that you n cure the gay by havg your hband go to gay nversn therapy, read this.

What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife. The wife has not been aquate any way and likely the gay hband married her bee he tly red about her. Some gay men believe that beg married n rid them of their homosexualy.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

"It's nobody that I knew� was mostly oral sex� jt happened� At gay bars, there are back rooms wh hol the walls�" A wave of nsea swept over me as I listened to his agonized nfsn. At that moment, I felt as if I were standg alone the world, stripped of all digny, wh a big sign on me that read movie Brokeback Mounta turned a spotlight on gay men who lead double liv, havg sex wh other men while they are married to women. That means there are a large number of women who have no ia what their hband do perdilly see stori about married men public life who are gay or have been implited homosexual behavr—such as Senator Larry Craig (R—Idaho), who was arrted last summer for allegedly solicg a male police officer an airport bathroom, and former New Jersey ernor Jam McGreevey, who proclaimed that he was a "gay Amerin" when he announced his rignatn om office.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Bee I've lived are so many obv qutns for a wife like me: Didn't I realize he was gay?

Early our relatnship, Chris told me he'd had homosexual experienc as a teenager but assured me was youthful cursy.

I didn't thk there was anythg wrong wh beg gay—I have an openly gay . But I also didn't believe that a gay man would ever be attracted to a straight woman, and I was naive—too naive to see why a homosexual man would marry and spend years lyg to his wife, his iends, his fay and begngI was a 19-year-old llege hman Kentucky when I met Chris.