When Gay Men (Mis)Marry Straight Women: Bonnie Kaye's Story | Psychology Today

Contents:

• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2
• WHY DO GAY MEN MARRY WOMEN: A COMPREHENSIVE EXPLANATN
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND BY DEBRA SUTTON
• THE DEVASTATG WAY I DISVERED I MARRIED A GAY MAN
• MANY BRONS HAVE CHANGED THEIR MDS ON GAY MARRIAGE

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

He’s also always been hont about beg gay and has never hidn om me.

Our son took the news very well and don’t re that his father was gay. I’ve asked my hband about , and he nfirms that he’s gay, not bisexual. I have doubts that he might leave me someday for a gay relatnship like he did his ex-wife.

I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you. That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man).

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

” His gayns isn’t somethg you n ntralize by beg a sufficiently good or extra-lovg wife.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men. If a hband is gay, n vastate not only the relatnship but the straight wife as well.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2

The cleart way to know if your hband is gay is if he tells you. If the hband is hont wh both you and wh himself (read: How Do I Know If I Am Gay? Signs You Are Gay), that is when you n tly know that he is gay.

Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own. In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved.

But if you're wonrg, "Is my man gay, " might be helpful to know that there are signs to look for, acrdg to Kaye.

WHY DO GAY MEN MARRY WOMEN: A COMPREHENSIVE EXPLANATN

Kaye has veloped the Official Gay Hband Checklist to help women know if their hbands are gay.

You fd pop-ups of gay pornography on the puter while he claims they are not his. He viss gay bars claimg he's there only to hang out wh his gay iend(s).

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

He mak ntual homophobic ments or he mak too many gay ments nversatns. A hband may be gay and display none of those signs or a hband may display the signs and not be gay. Kaye advis that women "follow their stcts" when cidg whether their hband may be gay.

If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner. (If you're thkg that you n cure the gay by havg your hband go to gay nversn therapy, read this.

SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND BY DEBRA SUTTON

What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife. The wife has not been aquate any way and likely the gay hband married her bee he tly red about her. Some gay men believe that beg married n rid them of their homosexualy.

THE DEVASTATG WAY I DISVERED I MARRIED A GAY MAN

Megan Holgate uldn’t que believe where she was the height of the Aids crisis and she was the wag room of an ner-cy STI clic, equented by those most at risk of HIV: gay men, jectg dg ers, sex, as she had been, a monogamo married had felt “too ashamed” to ask her doctor for the HIV tt. A posive rult, back then, would have been a ath the clic a iendly gay unsellor asked Megan to step to his room and asked her if everythg was OK. As her dad pulled up she opened her purse, fat wh not, and phed them all to the bewilred man’s hands before beg whisked is one of a potentially dyg breed of women: those who married closeted gay men.

“Some women ntact the service before their hband is even aware they know he’s gay, ” she says. I’m not gay but really nfed and I thk I need you to move back to Atralia so I n work myself out.

“When you love someone and you know you’re gay, you don’t marry them. And many of the men, embolned by the sense of eedom and h excement afford them by disverg the gay scene, pletely scrib the impact had on her children.

MANY BRONS HAVE CHANGED THEIR MDS ON GAY MARRIAGE

”Siarly, Patricia took issue wh the blok who took her hband out for a beer so they didn’t look homophobic. ”Jt like many gay men do, their wiv n go through nial perds, Roxanne says, believg they n work thgs out.

“I know my hband is gay, he n’t stop himself om beg wh men, ’s impossible. Her anger wasn’t at him, but at his fay and culture for not lettg him be who he should have been the first place: “It was like he didn’t know how to be gay.

“People still go to beats [public plac where gay men meet discretely for sex].