Three sgle, gay dads talk about their journeys. : NPR

Contents:

• MOVG PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERS WH THEIR FAI ACROSS AMERI
• ‘A FAY LIKE OURS’: PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERHOOD
• DAD AND DAD: A JOURNEY TO GAY FATHERHOOD – PICTUR
• GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG
• THREE SGLE, GAY DADS REFLECT ON FATHERHOOD, SURROGACY JOURNEYS
• SEXUAL ORIENTATN OF ADULT SONS OF GAY FATHERS
• GAY MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS: IS THERE A SPECIAL CLOSENS?
• GAY FATHERS FACE STIGMA AS PARENTS
• COMG OUT TO DAD: YOUNG GAY AND BISEXUAL MEN'S EXPERIENC DISCLOSG SAME-SEX ATTRACTN TO THEIR FATHERS
• LETTERS TO FATHERS: A QUALATIVE ANALYSIS OF GAY SONS’ EXPERIENC OF PATERNAL CHILDREARG
• 6 GAY DADS ON THE CHALLENG OF MORN GAY FATHERHOOD

MOVG PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERS WH THEIR FAI ACROSS AMERI

Such a photograph would have been extraordarily rare jt s ago, but now is one of many published the book “Dads, ” a four-year visual archive of gay fatherhood across Ameri that began 2016.

‘A FAY LIKE OURS’: PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERHOOD

“I felt a ltle b lonely as a gay dad – although there are two of – but lonely the sense that all the other fai I knew were straight parents, ” Heynen said a vio ll, explag why he began photographg the seri. For Heynen, they reprent addnal love and re and help illtrate some of the cisn-makg that, though not exclive to them, all gay fathers mt ntend wh.

Heynen, as well as the fathers he photographed, hope that the photographs “Dads” will dispel some of the hurtful stereotyp that still lger around gay fatherhood. Hosted by Wt Hollywood uple Yan and Alex, the dads e each episo to chat parentg and relatnships, and lately have been focg each episo on the gay rights and fatherhood pathways by untry, and vg a gay father om each lotn on as a gut.

DAD AND DAD: A JOURNEY TO GAY FATHERHOOD – PICTUR

This YA g-of-age novel follows high schooler Sal, who was adopted to a lovg Mexin Amerin fay by his gay father, when he begs to qutn his inty and place the world durg his senr year. This one-hour documentary followed the fay liv of four gay fai and the legal and cultural hurdl the men faced to bee fathers. Savage beme an ternatnally regnized sex lumnist and activist the 1990s and ’00s for his ank cultural sight to gay relatnships and inty.

Celebri like Anrson Cooper have helped normalize the ia of gay men raisg children, and no longer feels revelatory to see them on televisn, as did when “Morn Fay” premiered mon, Mr. Heynen said, are imag of gay fathers who aren’t Instagram ready — like two men bg their dghters’ hair or tossg a football the ont yard.

It’s an unrstandable impulse, which he attribut to a sire among gay parents to feel “normal” after havg their pabili as parents ntually lled to qutn. Heynen said, but rather a celebratn of the day-to-day liv of gay Jt for the YoungCly Rose, 61, and Ryan, 12Cly Rose, who liv Manhattan, was first photographed for “Dads” three years ago after meetg Mr.

GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG

Heynen “a lot of cred” for cludg a father like him — a sgle dad his 60s — sce he said there is often a lack of reprentatn of olr gay people art and media, which tends to foc on young, f men.

Asbury Park, New JerseyThe most stunng takeaway om photographg gay dads is the equaly of their partnership while raisg their children. Brooklyn, New YorkWhile makg Dads I was surprised to fd out how many gay sgle dads there are creatg their fay through adoptn or surrogacy.

THREE SGLE, GAY DADS REFLECT ON FATHERHOOD, SURROGACY JOURNEYS

Tom and Mike wh their son Jack at a lacrosse practice at Horace Mann School, Bronx, New YorkThroughout the book the children of gay dads grow olr.

Although the school and Jack’s iends know that Jack has two gay dads there was some tensn the air while posg for this photo the middle of a sports field wh all the other players around. They are the fay torchbearers of manls, and, as mal young and old know, homosexualy is nsired the dread oppose of masculy. Acrdg to Michael Kimmel, a soclogist and expert on male sex rol, men monstrate their masculy by repudiatg all that is feme and monstratg an ever-ready willgns to engage sexual terurse wh women whenever the opportuny aris- a nutshell, to prove they are not gay.

A boy growg to a gay man will get the msage loud and clear that he is weak, dirty, and, perhaps worst of all, ls than a man.

SEXUAL ORIENTATN OF ADULT SONS OF GAY FATHERS

Th is no wonr that the boys the study for my book: Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, relled beg so reactive and fearful of the rpons of their fathers—the very people who were expectg them to receive and rry the torch of masculy.

We mt remember that fathers and sons live the same world—one that teach boys that homosexualy is patible wh real masculy and, by associatn, full male adulthood.

GAY MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS: IS THERE A SPECIAL CLOSENS?

When a father this study ially found out his son was gay, he repeated, over and over, "Do you know what two men do to each other? " Add to this shame and disappotment men's tenncy to be stoic about problems to avoid appearg petent or weak and one gets a sense why many fathers, like those of the boys prevly quoted, did not want to discs such a topic wh a stranger—a gay stranger, no ls.

Richard Isay, a psychoanalyst who specializ work wh gay men believ that gay mal unrgo a reverse-Oedipal plex whereby, as young boys, they bee subnscly sexually attracted to their fathers (rather than their mothers). When the boy is a toddler, the father anxly sens the sublimal sexual charge their relatnship and, bee he is socialized to be repelled and aaid of homosexualy, he nsequently disengag om his son. Oedipal issu asi, a velopg gay boy may monstrate some tradnally feme gtur or terts that forhadow an adult homosexual orientatn, which may turn make his father unfortable and want to distance.

GAY FATHERS FACE STIGMA AS PARENTS

If this primary relatnship is characterized by fear, distance, and hostily durg childhood, as is for many gay men, this will no doubt terfere wh his abily to form and mata timate, mted relatnships wh male partners his future.

For gay sons of all ag, but pecially those who are stgglg to tablish, fix, or strengthen their current same-sex relatnships, might be a good ia to look toward their past relatnships wh their fathers for sights and answers. Eher way, I have found my clil work wh gay men that much eful rmatn n be gaed by examg past, and even prent father-son teractns to terme what patterns are beg repeated and/or reacted to their current relatnships.

COMG OUT TO DAD: YOUNG GAY AND BISEXUAL MEN'S EXPERIENC DISCLOSG SAME-SEX ATTRACTN TO THEIR FATHERS

Certaly all fathers need to show that they love their sons and dghters, but fathers of gay sons need to fd ways to surmount the barrier of homophobia and socially scripted queass about gay sex to show their sons that they are ed lovable and serve the love of a good man.

Although I rarely remend fictn to my clients or stunts, I urge all fathers of gay sons to follow the televisn seri Glee to study the relatnship between the gay character Kurt Hummel and his dad, Burt.

Watch this very macho father reach across the great divi of sex-role expectatns to mata a relatnship wh his wonrfully "flamboyant" gay son built on unndnal love.

LETTERS TO FATHERS: A QUALATIVE ANALYSIS OF GAY SONS’ EXPERIENC OF PATERNAL CHILDREARG

And also know, Dad, that there are many, many of gay men out there watchg that relatnship too—wh tears of gratu, envy, and longg. There wasn't much of a plan, no guibook hand, only goals that I hoped my boys would start the procs of unrstandg and acceptg their dad for whom I tly was: a gay Stt TakacsIt had been a long 15 months sce g out to my wife, an experience I unfortunately wouldn't scribe as posive, fun or somethg I ever want to repeat.

Wh many emotns and strs, I accepted her requt to keep the reason for our divorce -- due to me beg gay -- a secret for at least another year. Chigo offered the stabily I need a job, iendship and at this pot, a new relatnship that all ntributed to my healg this new gay world. In many ways, a lovg place for them, but I me to realize that teachers spoke openly agast gay culture and textbooks labeled homosexualy as sful and evil.

6 GAY DADS ON THE CHALLENG OF MORN GAY FATHERHOOD

My kids listened and followed their prr to g out, was hard for me to hear my kids e home wh stori of teachers gradg gay marriage or gay people, to see their workbooks, rercg the bias agast beg gay. The last thg I wanted was for my kids to be treated differently bee they had a gay dad, which I felt was a the year followg my divorce, I agreed not to tell the kids I was gay, so I had to be reful. We were reful to avoid referenc to "gay" discsns and plac, although I lived the Gayborhood of Chigo, an upsle, predomantly gay area on Chigo's North Si.

Eventually, though, that started to four years, my olst son's iends knew he had a gay dad, and, to put teenage terms, wasn't so bad. I thk he unrstands beg gay isn't a choice anymore, and I believe that will ex-wife certaly bore the bnt of the day-to-day wh the kids.