'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN “NATURAL ALLI”? AN EVOLUTNARY ACUNT
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• ‘I AM A GAY MAN A STRAIGHT WOMAN’S BODY. IF I WERE TO SPEAK TO MY HBAND ABOUT THIS, ULD END OUR MARRIAGE’
• SEX TIPS FOR STRAIGHT WOMEN OM A GAY MAN
• GAY MEN HAVG SEX WH WOMEN?
• SHE’S STRAIGHT. HE’S GAY. THEY N FORM A ‘NJUGAL RELATNSHIP’ ANYWAY, A CANADIAN JUDGE SAYS.
• WHAT'S THE SCIENCE BEHD STRAIGHT WOMEN LIKG GAY MEN?
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN MAKE THE BT OF FRIENDS
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2
• BRAS OF GAY PEOPLE REMBLE THOSE OF STRAIGHT PEOPLE OF OPPOSE SEX
• WHY DO GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT WOMEN MAKE SUCH GREAT IENDS?

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you. That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man). Sure, an ocsnal teenage girl falls for a boy who's gay, but don't take most girls very long to figure out that, this se, where there's smoke, there's most fely not fire.

In general, the attractn women feel for gay men tends to be emotnal nature, clearg the way for a highly satisfyg relatnship that outlasts most other relatnships gay men and straight women have. Send, straight women love gay men bee closens wh gay men provis a wdow to how the mds of men work, somethg that women want to know as they navigate datg waters wh their straight male peers. Though there are, of urse, differenc between straight and gay men, gay men are neverthels men who share many characteristics and motivatns wh straight men.

When to the sexualy of young straight and gay men—meang, how equently they thk about sex, want , or feel impatient to get to the actual sex part—there are undoubtedly siari.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN

In general, gay men, and gay women, too, tend to be more fearls than their straight unterparts—particularly straight men—bee they’ve ually experienced bullyg and prejudice bee of their sexual orientatn.

Meanwhile, gay men have the social license to be as outrageo or emotnal as they want to be bee gay men don't have to f to such a tightly prcribed role.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE

Instead, they feel more fortable removg the sexual factor that exists at straight bars and prefer the harmlsns that wh socializg wh gay men gay surroundgs.

If straight women and gay men foc on fdg iendships where there's te emotnal patibily and rpect, they n velop one of the most rewardg relatnships a person uld have. Now a new psychology study has provid evince that gay men and straight women are the perfect iends wh benefs – as long as the benefs have to do wh tstworthy relatnship advice. “I was terted the evolutnary perspective as to why gay men and straight women form close iendships, ” says Eric Rsell, a visg psychology rearcher at the Universy of Texas At and lead thor of the study, published the latt issue of Evolutnary Psychology.

Rsell wonred if had somethg to do wh the exchange of matg advice sce gay men and straight women aren’t romantic partners or matg petn and were “uniquely posned to exchange tstworthy rmatn. ”To tt his hypothis, Rsell enlisted the help of 88 straight women and 58 gay men, all unrgrads om the Texas ChristianUniversy, and nducted two one, straight women were prented wh a scenar volvg a party, a iend who bags out at the last mute and a substute “date” named Jordan.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Rearchers asked the women to look up a Facebook profile for Jordan -- who was prented as eher a straight woman, a straight man or a gay man – and then answer a seri of qutns.

In the send study, gay men were prented wh the exact same scenar except the Facebook profile picted Jordan as eher a straight woman, a gay woman or a gay qutns – signed to terme the level of tst tt subjects had for each genr/sexual preference – were ccial to the person’s “game. Rsell says he wasn’t surprised by the fdgs, although he did fd tertg that gay men were jt as tstg of straight women as straight women were of gay men. ”It’s a dynamic well-documented movi, lerature and pop culture, says Rsell, potg to famo gay guy-straight gal iendships like Will and Grace and Kurt and Rachel om Glee.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

There’s even a seri of YouTube vios om the edy group Send Cy showg how a number of famo straight women om lerature – thk Juliet, Lady MacBeth and Charl Dickens’ Miss Havisham – uld have benefed om a “sassy gay iend. Lare was the maid of honor at Fick' weddg, and Fick was Lare's“In general, if you were askg whether I’d tst a straight woman or a gay man an unknown suatn, I’d probably end up tstg the straight woman rather than the gay guy, ” he says. ”Christyne Blount, a 38-year-old fancial analyst om Seattle, says she fely would tst a gay man more than that of a straight man when me to datg advice but feels her straight women iends are every b as reliable.

You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife. I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage.

ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN “NATURAL ALLI”? AN EVOLUTNARY ACUNT

Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure. I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad. Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective.

Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns. Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay.

The thors of this piece, the psychologist Eric Rsell and his lleagu om Texas Christian Universy, claim that the age-old relatnship between the homosexual male and the heterosexual female served (and likely ntu to serve) a blogilly adaptive ’s an ancient alliance, they reason, that is unique among human social bonds for one important reason: the absence of ulterr motiv the doma of sexual behavr. “Straight women may experience creased tst their relatnships wh gay men, ” expla the thors:… due to the absence of ceptive matg motivatns that equently tat their relatnships wh straight men (sexual tert) and other straight women (mate petn) terms of havg someone to help them to make the most adaptive reproductive cisns, ’s a one-sid iendship.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

But the thors reason that gay men also rive direct sexual benefs om havg straight female iends:The sexual tert and petive motiv that may tat gay men’s iendships wh each other are notably absent om their relatnships wh straight there li the w-w for both:Dpe beg sexually attracted to the same genr (i. That’s shorthand for the ambiguo, liberate, or awkward sexual tensns that n unrme even the bt platonic iendships between a straight woman and a straight man (or between two gay men. Yet prr studi have ed revealed that both straight women and gay men rate their iendships wh each other as beg qualatively more meangful and eper than other prev work—which also found that straight women wh gay male iends tend to have a posive body image, to feel sexually attractive and secure, and to nsir themselv appreciated for their personaly—ed survey data, th keepg scientists om drawg any nclns about the unrlyg .

You do not know this person, but you ci to look them up on Facebook before acpanyg them to the participants were then shown a fake Facebook profile of the llege-aged neighbor, cludg a photo and clear rmatn about the person beg: (a) a gay male; (b) a straight male; or (c) a straight female. And so as Rsell and his lleagu predicted, the straight women who’d been randomly assigned to the “gay male Jordan” ndn rated his tstworths as signifintly higher pared to those answerg qutns about “straight male Jordan” or “straight female Jordan.

On the other hand, argue the thors, sce gay men and lbians are attracted to different genrs, this absence of a mon sexual tert may lead gay men to perceive lbians as ls tstworthy than straight women, at least when to relatnship and datg advice. Gay men who were randomly assigned to the “straight female Jordan” perceived the target’s tstworths to be signifintly higher than those who got the “lbian Jordan” or “gay male Jordan.

‘I AM A GAY MAN A STRAIGHT WOMAN’S BODY. IF I WERE TO SPEAK TO MY HBAND ABOUT THIS, ULD END OUR MARRIAGE’

Whether or not, say, gay men are actually more tstworthy than straight men (or other straight women) when to dolg our matg advice is a very different empiril qutn. To answer your qutn plaly wh the rmatn that you’ve shared, ’s likely that some gay men do have sexual relatnships wh women to hi their te orientatn, due to fear of g out.

And, although scientific studi this field are rare, sexual aroal to women has been measured groups of men wh several different sexual orientatns, cludg those who intify as gay. Archiv, sexual orientatn is ually prised of several parts: attractn, how one acts on that attractn, and how one intifi (gay, straight, bisexual, etc). Surveys among high school stunts found differenc between inty and sexual behavrs, wh many of the self-intified gay or lbian stunts mentng that they engage sexual activi wh those of other genrs.

SEX TIPS FOR STRAIGHT WOMEN OM A GAY MAN

The ncept n be ed the Canadian immigratn system to rne gay upl g om untri where their sexual orientatn is owned upon or said that the lg do not change or expand the fn. To meet the fn, a uple mt prove that they rely on each other and mata some gree of timacy but do not necsarily need to be sexually June 2019 when cidg on AP and AM’s se, immigratn officials said they were not persuad “a homosexual man and a heterosexual woman are able to meet the sexual ponent of njugal partnership. Books, televisn shows and feature-length films have all highlighted this unique relatnship, noted for s closens and wh society's attus toward gays and lbians changg, 's bee all the more important to build a holistic unrstandg of the relatnships between gay and straight a rearcher social psychology, I've often wonred: Why do straight female-gay male relatnships work so well?

GAY MEN HAVG SEX WH WOMEN?

Bee gay men don't mate wh women—or pete wh them for mat—women feel a certa level of fort wh gay men, and the procs of formg a close iendship n occur relatively heterosexual men (who, by fn, are sexually attracted to women), the procs is longer—and potentially more ght—bee men may be grapplg wh their own sexual other words, bee gay men are attracted to their own genr, they're a "safe bet" for women—at least, om a socblogil three years ago, I ially tted this theory a seri of experiments that have served as the foundatn of my rearch program on gay-straight the experiments, straight female participants were shown fict Facebook profil pictg eher a straight woman, straight man or gay man.

SHE’S STRAIGHT. HE’S GAY. THEY N FORM A ‘NJUGAL RELATNSHIP’ ANYWAY, A CANADIAN JUDGE SAYS.

I also reced gay male participants, and had them plete the same task (wh the gay men viewg Facebook profil pictg a straight female, gay male or lbian female) experiments, published the journal Evolutnary Psychology, monstrated that straight women and gay men perceived one another to be tstworthy sourc of relatnship and datg advice.

Crackg the why and whenRecently, my lleagu and I at the Universy of Texas at Arlgton veloped a seri of four related tled the four studi "Why (and When) Straight Women Tst Gay Men: Ulterr Matg Motiv and Female Competn, " wh the hope of better tablishg why straight women tst gay men and when straight women would be most likely to seek out gay men for iendship and the first study, I wanted to replite the fdg that women tst gay men more than straight men or straight women.

WHAT'S THE SCIENCE BEHD STRAIGHT WOMEN LIKG GAY MEN?

This time, however, I wanted to see if women would only tst gay men's datg-related advice as opposed to other typ of turns out straight women only tsted a gay man's advice about a potential boyiend more than the same advice om, say, a straight man or another straight woman.

It really only had to do wh one thg: datg and further exame why this might be the se, we had women image receivg rmatn om eher a straight woman, straight man, or a gay man about their physil appearance and the dateabily of potential boyiends. We then asked the women how scere they felt the rpons expected, the female subjects seemed to perceive the judgments g om the gay man to be more scere bee they knew that he wouldn't have any ulterr motiv—whether that meant woog the subject (which they might spect of straight men) or petg for the same romantic partner (straight women) the fal two studi, we wanted to figure out when women were most likely to beiend and place their tst gay men.

We predicted that this would most often occur highly petive datg environments, where a tstworthy source like a gay iend would be valued by women jockeyg wh one another for a tt this, we created a fake news article that tailed extremely skewed sex rats, ditg that women llege were petg over a very small pool of men. We had women read this news article and then dite how much they would tst a straight woman or a gay man var datg-related women read the news article about the creased petn, their tst gay men was amplified. Not only were women more apt to tst gay men unr this ndn, but we also found that they beme more willg to make gay male datg adviceThe downsi is that if a straight woman valu her gay male iends only for datg advice, the relatnship uld bee que superficial (see Chris Rtta's say "I'm Gay, Not Your Accsory").

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN MAKE THE BT OF FRIENDS

However, the strong tst that women ially form wh gay men n serve as a primer; eventually, this tst uld extend to other areas, wh the iendship blossomg over fdgs—bed wh our own—show that there seems to be an extremely strong psychologil unrpng for why women are so drawn to gay stance, a recent study the Journal of Bs and Psychology revealed that straight women tend to hire gay men over other heterosexual dividuals bee they perceive gay men to be more petent and warmer. Furthermore, marketg rearchers have suggted that straight women prefer to work wh gay male sal associat over others nsumer retail two fdgs alone uld have many posive implitns for gay men the workplace.

Although much of this rearch foc on why women are drawn to iendships wh gay men, another obv avenue of exploratn is whether or not gay men are siarly keen to form iendships wh straight women. For example, a study I nducted 2013, I found that gay men also look to women for tstworthy datg advice or tips for fdg a prospective rearchers have suggted that gay men value the posive attus towards homosexualy that women tend to have (relative to straight men) this se, the implic tst seems to be a two-way Rsell is a Ph.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

The thors suggt the possibily that gay men may pete for mat the same way that straight women do wh each other, though they note remas to be studied.

In orr to vtigate whether straight women and gay men see each other as the most tstworthy advisers on matters of the heart, the thors vised a clever puter task. Naturally, the straight female target profile picture was different than that of gay and straight mal (the same was ed for both); sexual preference was tailored acrdgly.

Straight women perceived the romantic advice of gay men to be signifintly more tstworthy than that of straight men and women, who were equally ls helpful.

IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

Megan Holgate uldn’t que believe where she was the height of the Aids crisis and she was the wag room of an ner-cy STI clic, equented by those most at risk of HIV: gay men, jectg dg ers, sex, as she had been, a monogamo married had felt “too ashamed” to ask her doctor for the HIV tt. As her dad pulled up she opened her purse, fat wh not, and phed them all to the bewilred man’s hands before beg whisked is one of a potentially dyg breed of women: those who married closeted gay men. And many of the men, embolned by the sense of eedom and h excement afford them by disverg the gay scene, pletely scrib the impact had on her children.

Her anger wasn’t at him, but at his fay and culture for not lettg him be who he should have been the first place: “It was like he didn’t know how to be gay. In his Royal Oaks, Michigan, practice, Joe specializ Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy and IMAGO Relatnship Therapy, often treatg men who are qutng their sexual orientatn. And I thk ’s very important to state right here that I’m a gay man, yet here I am sayg that most of the time the men who are beg sexual wh other men aren’t gay.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2

Wh gay clients, they say they feel the same way; wh bisexual clients, they say they’re lookg at both the men and the women; wh straight clients, they say they’re lookg only at the women. When a man is a long-term relatnship wh a woman but beg sexual wh men, eher lookg at porn or havg actual sex, he eher will or won’t be homophobic.

BRAS OF GAY PEOPLE REMBLE THOSE OF STRAIGHT PEOPLE OF OPPOSE SEX

A gay guy wants to do all of that wh a man, a bisexual guy might want a man or a woman, and the straight guy wants to only be wh a woman that way. So this is a way of bondg wh men—ironilly, through sex—and happens not bee the man is gay but bee he don’t know any other way to get this need met.

Eher they’re worried that their man will eventually ci he’s gay and end the relatnship, or they want monogamy, and his cheatg is a threat to the marriage regardls of who he’s dog wh. And I should pot out here that the men when they’re engagg this behavr (regardls of whether they’re gay, straight or bi) nearly always tell themselv that what they’re dog is not cheatg bee they’re dog wh a guy. I had a lumn lled “Straight Talk” where I told the difference between a straight perspective and the gay perspective, and I did some feature stori, also.

WHY DO GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT WOMEN MAKE SUCH GREAT IENDS?

Let me ask you this qutn about limbo men: If you’ve got a limbo man, sexually gay but emotnally straight, and he’s wh a woman who has no tert sex and don’t re who he’s sexual wh, what would you say to them? There are plenty of men who choose to jt pe wh as bt they n, and there are plenty of women who stay wh a gay man for all kds of reasons—fancial, emotnal, social, etc. ScienceNot Exactly Rocket ScienceThe differenc between heterosexual and homosexual people are as much the subject of fascatg science as they are a source of social bate.