How to Cope When You're Gay and Lonely | GQ

Contents:

• "I REALIZED I WAS GAY": MEN WHO CAME OUT LATER IN LIFE ARE SHARG WHAT IT WAS LIKE FOR THEM TO REVEAL THAT TTH AND LIVE AUTHENTILLY
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU'RE GAY AND LONELY
• THREE INSIGHTS OM PEOPLE WHO REALIZED THEY WERE GAY LATER LIFE
• 7 PEOPLE SHARE THE MOMENT THEY REALIZED THEY WERE GAY
• WHEN DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE GAY?
• I FOLLOWED THE SIGNS AND REALIZED THAT I AM GAY
• ‘I AM GAY – BUT I WASN’T BORN THIS WAY’
• HOW TO ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE GAY
• AM I GAY?

"I REALIZED I WAS GAY": MEN WHO CAME OUT LATER IN LIFE ARE SHARG WHAT IT WAS LIKE FOR THEM TO REVEAL THAT TTH AND LIVE AUTHENTILLY

When I found out earlier this month, along wh the rt of the world, that one of my favore actors, Kal Penn, is a fellow gay man and now engaged to his long-time partner, I was so happy that he was openly livg his tth. Once the untry around me changed and I started seeg more gays the muny, felt safer, and I felt more fortable to e out. I have a lot of stori about folks who were homophobic but me around to acceptg me and honorg me for beg a gay man, once they got to know me beyond what I do bed.

I me out to my wife many moons ago but took a long time to realize that prayg the gay away wasn’t workg. Pl the ‘80s was not a particularly good time to be gay — I thk fear of AIDS was possibly one thg that had me nial. After spendg years dog all the manly thgs that were supposed to straighten me out, I had a particular weekend — a men-only whewater raftg trip — when I realized I did all the thgs I was aimg for that were supposed to change me, and I was still 100% gay.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU'RE GAY AND LONELY

Once I knew the gay wasn't gog anywhere, I figured I wanted to be open and hont wh people om then on, regardls of how the rt of my life went. When I was a kid, I went through all the dumb pre-ter gay kid thgs like lgerg the JCPenny's men’s unrwear sectn.

I e om a strict Irish tholic fay, so any of my mannerisms or actns that were ‘too gay’ were discsed by my fay.

Grad school was the first time I was around people who seemed to genuely not re or treat people different bee they were gay.

THREE INSIGHTS OM PEOPLE WHO REALIZED THEY WERE GAY LATER LIFE

Growg up was the whole ‘relig upbrgg/ternalized homophobia’ dance: I liked gay porn, but uldn't adm to myself I was gay. My wife and I are gog to unselg together to work through thgs and while ‘’ has a shelf life, I'm foced on figurg out what beg gay means to me. "At around 28 years old, I had a cent grasp that I'm overwhelmgly gay, wh some rare and specific attractn towards women.

After a few months of experiencg very novel and tense sexual feelgs, I overme my fear of masturbatn and started dog to var kds of straight and gay porn. And thanks to r/AskGayBrosOver30 for creatg a space for queer men to be vulnerable and empathize wh each other. Part of realizg you're gay, or bi, or trans, or non-bary, or anythg other than cisgenr and heterosexual is acceptg you’re different—and somewhat separated—om the majory.

At the time, there were no real gay role mols except for Graham Norton and Jack om Dawson's Creek—and I certaly didn't intify wh him bee I wasn't a football player.

7 PEOPLE SHARE THE MOMENT THEY REALIZED THEY WERE GAY

Perhaps you've heard of people who e out as gay late you might be ls faiar wh people who don't realize they are gay until well to spoke to three dividuals about their journey of disvery and gleaned three signifint sights to human sexualy.

"The impulse and prsure to lean toward heterosexualy and away om homosexualy is what wrer Adrienne Rich lled "pulsory heterosexualy, " a term she popularized, which refers to the ia of heterosexualy as the flt sexual inty.

Social stigma n keep people om explorg homosexualy and journey to realize, accept, and e out wh a person's sexualy happens for some people  middle Hewt me out four years ago, at the age of 45, after two marriag to men and two children. "It was a batn of the time when I was born and raised and [the] msage I got as a child that [homosexualy] was not acceptable, even though my fay was fairly progrsive, " Hewt said.

WHEN DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE GAY?

"Hewt said she feared discrimatn and remembered thkg, "I don't want to be gay, " mostly bee she, a mother of two teenagers, didn't want to re-orient her view of the tth h her durg a medatn ssn.

"Jillian is younger and grew up a time wh more gay people pop culture, but she found her role mols the queer muny, thanks to her girliend and iends. "*Jillian is a psdonym as this source requted to be your opnDo you know anyone who realized they were gay as an adult?

I was nsumed by the p my stomach – the shame of endg my marriage bee I was gay was like luggg a sandbag over my shoulrs and havg a rock my stomach at the same time. I wasn’t sure how to tell my nservative, Geia-born and bred parents that their former pageant queen dghter was endg her marriage bee she is gay.

I FOLLOWED THE SIGNS AND REALIZED THAT I AM GAY

I wasn’t brave enough to actually say the words – the label of beg gay or a lbian was too much for my soul to bear at the time – so I sent her a text msage, “I am not straight.”.

‘I AM GAY – BUT I WASN’T BORN THIS WAY’

Democratic printial ndidate Pete Buttigieg – who, like me, is his late 30s and, like me, me out publicly jt a few years ago – put this way: “It’s hard to face the tth that there were tim my life when, if you had shown me exactly what was si me that ma me gay, I would have cut out wh a knife.

HOW TO ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE GAY

Close01/8We asked 7 people when they realized they were gay and their rpons are absolutely ndidLren Morelli, the wrer of ‘Orange Is the New Black’ realized she was gay when she was wrg for the show, which was when she was happily married, had been livg liberal ci for many years, was ted and was 31 years old. We asked seven out-of-the-closet gays about the moment they realized they were not straight and their rpons are as ndid as gets.

Instead of askg when we knew we were gay, you uld ask when we realized the te implitns of what beg gay meant and how much more needlsly difficult our liv were gog to be bee of emotnal weight of that realizatn is somethg most queer people have etched to the folds of our memory.

Lured there by the fay t, I was dog my social studi homework on my parents’ my lored pencil scratched across the map of Egypt I was outlg, I sudnly jolted and thought oh my god, I’m gay. You so obvly nnot be gay, was her implitn, bee this is good was 2006, a full five years before Lady Gaga would set the Born This Way argument atop s unassailable cultural perch, but even then the popular unrstandg of orientatn was that was somethg you were born wh, somethg you uldn’t change.

AM I GAY?

I me out at a nservative Christian llege the US and was a gay relatnship for around two years wh a basketball player who end up marryg a woman.

Well, you mt have been gay the whole time, some might thk, and bee of some relig shame, you cid to lie to yourself and experiment wh a girl. But what feels most accurate to say is that I’m gay – but I wasn’t born this people may fd their sir changg directn - and n't jt be explaed as experimentatn (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)In 1977, jt over 10% of Amerins thought gayns was somethg you were born wh, acrdg to Gallup.

Throughout the same perd, the number of Amerins who believe homosexualy is “due to someone’s upbrgg/environment” fell om jt unr 60% to ias reached cril mass pop culture, first wh Lady Gaga’s 2011 Born This Way and one year later wh Macklemore’s Same Love, the chos of which has a gay person sgg “I n’t change even if I tried, even if I wanted to. ” Vios started circulatg on the ter featurg gay people askg straight people “when they chose to be straight. ” Around the same time, the Human Rights Campaign clared unequivolly that “Beg gay is not a choice, ” and to claim that is “giv unwarranted crence to roundly disproven practic such as nversn or reparative therapy.