Gay Men and Their Fathers: Hurt and Healg | Psychology Today

Contents:

• KEEPG THE FAH, AND LOVG YOUR GAY SON
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"
• HOW TO UNRSTAND AND ACCEPT YOUR GAY SON: (EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT SURE YOU CAN) PAPERBACK – FEBARY 8, 2015
• NGHTY GAY STORI 1: SLEEPG WH MY SON'S BT FRIEND
• STOP COMPLIMENTG ME FOR LOVG AND ACCEPTG MY GAY TEEN
• REFLECTNS ON WHY I LOVE MY GAY SON
• GAY MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS: IS THERE A SPECIAL CLOSENS?
• GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG
• I TRIED TO STOP MY SON FROM BEG GAY. I WISH I HADN'T
• HOW ONE MOTHER’S LOVE FOR HER GAY SON STARTED A REVOLUTN
• DEAR ABBY: GAY SON CHERISH MOTHER’S GIFT OF LOVG ACCEPTANCE
• HOW DO I LOVE MY GAY SON?
• RPONDG LOVE TO AN ADULT GAY CHILD
• SHOULD CHRISTIANS “DISOWN” GAY SONS AND DGHTERS?
• GOD GAVE ME A GAY SON . . .

KEEPG THE FAH, AND LOVG YOUR GAY SON

By now u probably have an ia of what i am about to say.Ryan says: I am gayRyan says: i n't believe i jt told youMom says: Are you jokg?Ryan says: noRyan says: i thought you would unrstand bee of uncle donMom says: of urse I wouldMom says: but what mak you thk you are?Ryan says: i know i amRyan says: i don't like hannahRyan says: 's jt a ver-upMom says: but that don't make you gay...Ryan says: i knowRyan says: but u don't unrstandRyan says: i am gayMom says: tell me moreRyan says: 's jt the way i am and 's somethg i knowRyan says: u r not a lbian and u know that. Is the same thgMom says: what do you mean?Ryan says: i am jt gayRyan says: i am thatMom says: I love you no matter whatRyan says: i am whe not blackRyan says: i knowRyan says: i am a boy not a girlRyan says: i am attracted to boys not girlsRyan says: u know that about yourself and i know thisMom says: what about what God thks about actg on the sir?Ryan says: i knowMom says: thank you for tellg meRyan says: and i am very nfed about that right nowMom says: I love you more for beg hontRyan says: i knowRyan says: thanxWe were pletely shocked. He read all the books that claimed to know where his gay feelgs me om, dove to unselg to further disver the whys of his unwanted attractn to other guys, worked through paful nflict rolutn wh my hband and me and built strong iendships wh other guys -- straight guys -- jt like the reparative therapy experts advised.

But not at all the way we had envisned.Now, when I thk back on the fear that erned all my reactns durg those first six years after Ryan told he was gay, I crge as I realize how foolish I was. 14, 2013, which would have been Ryan's 24th birthday.It is now posted, along wh other blog posts, at .Relatedgay sonGay ChildrenLGBT kidsParents Of Gay kidsgay kids. My turng pot me to me one day as I was readg a blog ment wrten by a gay man to someone sayg he didn’t want to be iends wh people who thought was sful for him to have same-sex relatnships, bee he was tired of beg treated like he was “ls than other people” and “a send rate cizen”— stck me then that if I were his sho, I would probably feel the same way.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"

Colon was shot several tim at the Orlando gay nightclub durg the 2016 mass shootg and has sce left homosexualy and started the mistry Fearls Inty wh another Pulse survivor. Well, my study of 65 fai of gay and lbian youth for the book, Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, I found that some parents get to the pot where they believe that the experience of havg a gay child actually ma them a better person—more open-md and sensive to the needs of others, particularly those other mory groups.

HOW TO UNRSTAND AND ACCEPT YOUR GAY SON: (EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT SURE YOU CAN) PAPERBACK – FEBARY 8, 2015

The tstworthy nfidants let them vent but also rrected some of the misperceptns they absorbed om society, such as that gay people are lonely, unhappy, promiscuo, not fay-oriented, unable to have children, or sted for an unhappy life.

Brief ntent visible, double tap to read full ntent visible, double tap to read brief van r Walt is the btsellg thor of How To Unrstand and Accept your Gay Son (Even if You're Not Sure You Can). I spected my olst son might be gay when he was que young, as he exhibed very “stereotypilly” gay behavr (wantg to wear drs, intifyg more wh hero than hero gam, books, movi, and preferrg the pany of girls and women) he grew olr, he was sure he was gay and shared that wh me a betiful moment of all plac, parents, we often marvel at how different our children n be. In fact, the slew of aclas I receive for simply lovg and supportg my gay son (as I do my straight son) is a signifint part of what I believe is stag the culture of homophobia our most tertg and sry part about this phenomenon is that the ments directly imply that my gay son is lucky that I don’t reject him, thereby settg the norm that parental rejectn is normal or any way, shape, or form okay.

It would be abnormal if they didn’ people e language that impli a tegory of human worth (like a child is ls worthy of love if they are gay or bisexual or transgenr), normaliz homophobia and heterosexism and mak the oppose “special” or “amazg.

NGHTY GAY STORI 1: SLEEPG WH MY SON'S BT FRIEND

”It says to my son and to everyone that gay people are not only not herently worthy of love, but if they receive om their parents or fay members, we are “put out” or “fivg” or “lovg them spe who they are” and ’s wrong. A simple change or shift how we thk about parentg n make a signifint impact our society, and pecially for the already margalized group of gay, lbian, bisexual and transgenr children and youth that live wh stutnalized homophobia tertwed wh relign and fear every please, don’t pliment me or anyone else for acceptg, lovg and supportg our gay children, or parents, brothers, sisters, and iends. This was found to be te for many of the mothers and sons I terviewed for the study scribed the book: Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child ().

Neverthels, this closens uld have a downsi, at least temporarily, as many mothers ially blame themselv and the close relatnships for their sons' homosexualy.

So, perhaps is not pletely surprisg that once they learned their sons were gay, some of the mothers I terviewed felt that they had done somethg to damage them. Even though rearch sce the 1950's has bunked , this theory persists people's mds and rears s ugly head for mothers when they ially learn their sons are gay.

STOP COMPLIMENTG ME FOR LOVG AND ACCEPTG MY GAY TEEN

Fortunately, for many mothers of gay son—wh time and tn, they learn that the ia that they had somehow ma their son gay is ad wrong This was te of the mothers my study who also me to see the benefs havg a gay son as will be scribed later this post. My rearch, clil and personal experienc suggt that there is ed a al lk between male homosexualy and a close maternal relatnship but flows the oppose directn than what was prevly thought.

I thk personally [beg gay] ma me a more emotnal person, more sensive, more touch wh both the male and female sis of myself, but allowg me to even acknowledge that other si ma me closer to my mother.

REFLECTNS ON WHY I LOVE MY GAY SON

Once mothers this study got over their feelgs of guilt and got ed to the ia that their sons were gay, they were able to regnize the benefs of havg a gay son. However, we get to hot water when we allow stereotyp to get the way of unrstandg the uniquens of dividuals and their circumstanc—so is important to remember that not all mothers and gay sons are close.

Sadly, some mothers simply nnot adjt to their sons' homosexualy, due to their guilt, relig ncerns, or abily to "let go" and accept the ways they live their liv. Acrdg to Michael Kimmel, a soclogist and expert on male sex rol, men monstrate their masculy by repudiatg all that is feme and monstratg an ever-ready willgns to engage sexual terurse wh women whenever the opportuny aris- a nutshell, to prove they are not gay. Th is no wonr that the boys the study for my book: Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, relled beg so reactive and fearful of the rpons of their fathers—the very people who were expectg them to receive and rry the torch of masculy.

GAY MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS: IS THERE A SPECIAL CLOSENS?

We mt remember that fathers and sons live the same world—one that teach boys that homosexualy is patible wh real masculy and, by associatn, full male adulthood. " Add to this shame and disappotment men's tenncy to be stoic about problems to avoid appearg petent or weak and one gets a sense why many fathers, like those of the boys prevly quoted, did not want to discs such a topic wh a stranger—a gay stranger, no ls.

Richard Isay, a psychoanalyst who specializ work wh gay men believ that gay mal unrgo a reverse-Oedipal plex whereby, as young boys, they bee subnscly sexually attracted to their fathers (rather than their mothers). When the boy is a toddler, the father anxly sens the sublimal sexual charge their relatnship and, bee he is socialized to be repelled and aaid of homosexualy, he nsequently disengag om his son. Oedipal issu asi, a velopg gay boy may monstrate some tradnally feme gtur or terts that forhadow an adult homosexual orientatn, which may turn make his father unfortable and want to distance.

If this primary relatnship is characterized by fear, distance, and hostily durg childhood, as is for many gay men, this will no doubt terfere wh his abily to form and mata timate, mted relatnships wh male partners his future. For gay sons of all ag, but pecially those who are stgglg to tablish, fix, or strengthen their current same-sex relatnships, might be a good ia to look toward their past relatnships wh their fathers for sights and answers. Eher way, I have found my clil work wh gay men that much eful rmatn n be gaed by examg past, and even prent father-son teractns to terme what patterns are beg repeated and/or reacted to their current relatnships.

GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG

Certaly all fathers need to show that they love their sons and dghters, but fathers of gay sons need to fd ways to surmount the barrier of homophobia and socially scripted queass about gay sex to show their sons that they are ed lovable and serve the love of a good man.

Although I rarely remend fictn to my clients or stunts, I urge all fathers of gay sons to follow the televisn seri Glee to study the relatnship between the gay character Kurt Hummel and his dad, Burt. Watch this very macho father reach across the great divi of sex-role expectatns to mata a relatnship wh his wonrfully "flamboyant" gay son built on unndnal love.

Ryan: i know i amRyan: i don’t like hannahRyan: ’s jt a ver-upMom: but that don’t make you gay…Ryan: i knowRyan: but u don’t unrstandRyan: i am gayMom: tell me moreRyan: ’s jt the way i am and ’s somethg i knowRyan: u r not a lbian and u know that.

I TRIED TO STOP MY SON FROM BEG GAY. I WISH I HADN'T

Ryan: i am jt gayRyan: i am thatMom: I love you no matter whatRyan: i am whe not blackRyan: i knowRyan: i am a boy not a girlRyan: i am attracted to boys not girlsRyan: u know that about yourself and i know thisMom: what about what God thks about actg on the sir?

HOW ONE MOTHER’S LOVE FOR HER GAY SON STARTED A REVOLUTN

He read all the Christian books that explaed where his gay feelgs me om and dove to unselg to further disver the orig of his unwanted attractn to other guys. But not at all the way we had, when I thk back on the fear that erned all my reactns durg those first six years after Ryan told he was gay, I crge as I realize how foolish I was.

They asked if they uld kiss her; they asked if she would talk to their parents; they told her that they uldn’t image their own mothers and fathers supportg them so publicly, or supportg them at woman’s name was Jeanne Manford, and she was marchg alongsi her twenty-one-year-old gay son, Morty.

The anizatn they dreamed up that day, which started as a sgle support group Manhattan, was ially lled Parents of Gays; later, was renamed Parents FLAG, for Parents and Friends of Lbians and Gays; nowadays, is known only as PFLAG. The same year Avril was born, Morty’s psychiatrist summoned Jeanne and Jul to his office and rmed them that their beloved goln boy and sole survivg son was the bt of her knowledge, Jeanne Manford had never known anyone who was gay. Polil anizg was virtually impossible—one early gay-rights group that attempted to officially rporate New York was told that s mere existence would vlate state sodomy laws—and posive cultural reprentatn was all but nonexistent; there were no openly gay or lbian policians, punds, relig lears, actors, athlet, or micians the mastream.

DEAR ABBY: GAY SON CHERISH MOTHER’S GIFT OF LOVG ACCEPTANCE

Newspapers ed the words “homosexual” and “pervert” terchangeably, and the handful of gay people who appeared on televisn to discs their “life style” almost always had their fac hidn shadows or otherwise obscured. In 1974, when “The Pat Colls Show” aired a segment on parents of gay children, the host troduced by sayg, “Even if he mted murr, I gus you’d say, ‘Well, he’s still my child, no matter what. ”You uld f most of the solar system to the chasm between how the average Amerin of the era would have reacted that hypothetil suatn and how Jeanne Manford rpond upon learng that Morty was gay.

The first time he attend a gay-rights prott, he wore sunglass and turned away om the news meras, but he soon beme, his sister Suzanne (now Suzanne Manford Swan) told me, “unaaid and unstoppable. ” An eighteen-year-old regular at the Stonewall Inn, Morty was there when a fight broke out between patrons and the police the summer of 1969, an event that talyzed the gay-rights movement. Not long after, he was arrted for refg to move when police tried to shoo him off a stoop on Christopher Street, the heart of the Greenwich Village gay scene.

The next time Morty wound up jail, Jeanne was woken up by an early-morng phone ll—not om him but om the arrtg officer, who, apparently expectg to Morty’s life, ma a show of askg Jeanne if she knew that her son was “a homosexual. In the sprg of 1972, the New York Daily News ran an edorial, headled “Any Old Jobs for Homos?, ” that referred to “fairi, nanc, swish, fags, lezz” and mend the Supreme Court for cidg that a public universy uld rcd a job offer to a man who applied for a marriage license wh his male partner. ) That edorial cid wh the annual Inner Circle dner, a parody show hosted by New York Cy journalists, which that year was slated to clu a mockg sk about a gay-rights bill.

HOW DO I LOVE MY GAY SON?

“You would meet Jeanne Manford and you would never a ln years gus what she had her, ” Eric Marc, the thor of the 1992 book “Makg Gay History” and now the host of a podst by the same name, told me. Then she went on to exprs a sentiment never before aired a mastream publitn: “I am proud of my son, Morty Manford, and the hard work he has been dog urgg homosexuals to accept their feelgs.

RPONDG LOVE TO AN ADULT GAY CHILD

Only the New York Post— s last wang days as a liberal paper, before s purchase, a few years later, by Rupert Murdoch—agreed to publish letter ma Morty realize, fally, that his mother was not jt toleratg her gay son. There was no pot gog if no one knew why she was there; she wanted to rry a first meetg of Parents of Gays was held nearly a year later, on March 11, 1973. To reach parents directly, the Manfords placed an ad the Village Voice; to reach them directly, through their children, Morty and the lbian activist Barbara Love scend on New York Cy’s gay hangouts wh fifteen hundred signs and leaflets, handma and posssg somethg of the timate, supplint look of lost-pet posters.

At the vatn of the Reverend Edward Egan, who was later forced to retirement bee he was gay, the meetg was held at the Metropolan-Duane Uned Methodist Church, the Wt Village.

In addn to Jeanne and Jul, Morty and Love were prent to answer qutns that the parents attendance might not be fortable askg their own dghters and the time, most parents of gay or lbian children were a supremely difficult posn. They were full of qutns, many of them ignorant but all of them scere: about whether their gay son would get more effemate every year; about how their “betiful blon dghter, jt neteen” uld possibly be a lbian.

SHOULD CHRISTIANS “DISOWN” GAY SONS AND DGHTERS?

“As parents of gay persons, ” some of the anizatn’s earlit rmatnal material read, “we have learned to regnize our children’s exprsn of love as hont and moral. When the prcipal of the elementary school where she worked told her that people were startg to talk and asked her to be more discreet, Jeanne rmed the woman that her profsnal life was one thg and her private life was another and that she would do as she, though, the people who reached out to the Manfords and to Parents of Gays were lookg for help or muny or a balm for heartbreakg pa.

That was not bee she craved the attentn—“There was nothg pretent about her, nothg fortune-seekg, no love of the spotlight, ” her granddghter Avril told me—but bee she was one of the few people willg to speak out public on behalf of their gay this time, Jul was one of those people, too. All around the untry, kids were gettg thrown out of their ho when they me out; meanwhile, Jeanne and Jul were welg Morty and his iends, and the Manford hoehold had bee somethg of a home for wayward gays. His sixteen-year-old son had jt e out, and his wife, Elae, uld hardly image anythg worse, so Bob told her about Parents of Gays and suggted that they attend a meetg.

”) Another early member, Sarah Montgomery, was a generatn olr than Jeanne—she had been born the neteenth century—but had likewise never faltered her love for her gay son. From the begng, one of the goals of Parents of Gays was to persua more and more of those people not jt to make peace wh their queer fay members but to make mon e wh worked. Many early members beme evangelists for the anizatn, spirg siar groups around the untry, and 1979, durg the first Natnal March on Washgton for Lbian and Gay Rights, reprentativ om twenty-five of those groups met to talk about formg a natnal body.

GOD GAVE ME A GAY SON . . .

They were planng to ll Parents of Lbians and Gays until one participant raised an objectn: if she attend a group by that name, she would effectively out her closeted dghter. And then, once aga, tragedy found the Manford the sprg and summer of 1981, gay men started showg up tensive-re uns New York and San Francis wh a strange form of pnmonia and a rare type of ncer known as Kaposi’s sara.