'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, AND TRANSGENR?
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• GAY MEN HAVG SEX WH WOMEN?
• WOMEN WARM UP FASTER TO GAY MEN THAN STRAIGHT GUYS, STUDY SUGGTS
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• WHAT'S THE SCIENCE BEHD STRAIGHT WOMEN LIKG GAY MEN?
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• LBIANS MORE ACCEPTED THAN GAY MEN AROUND THE WORLD, STUDY FDS

HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, AND TRANSGENR?

Sexual orientatn refers to the endurg physil, romantic and/or emotnal attractn to members of the same and/or other genrs, cludg lbian, gay, bisexual and straight orientatns.

Increasg numbers of populatn-based surveys the Uned Stat and across the world clu qutns that allow for an timate of the size of the lbian, gay, bisexual, and transgenr (LGBT) populatn.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN

In measurg sexual orientatn, lbian, gay, and bisexual dividuals may be intified strictly based on their self-inty or may be possible to nsir same-sex sexual behavr or sexual attractn. Fdgs shown Figure 1 nsir timat of the percentage of adults who self-intify as lbian, gay, or bisexual across ne surveys nducted wh the past seven years. While the surveys show a fairly wi variatn the overall percentage of adults who intify as LGB, the proportn who intify as lbian/gay vers bisexual is somewhat more nsistent (see Figure 2).

The Natnal Survey of Fay Growth found rults that were sentially the oppose of the UK survey wh only 38% intifyg as lbian or gay pared to 62% intifyg as bisexual. The Natnal Survey of Sexual Health and Behavr and the Atralian Longudal Study of Health and Relatnships both found a majory of rponnts (55% and 59%, rpectively) intifyg as surveys show even greater nsistency differenc between men and women associated wh lbian/gay vers bisexual inty. Sure, an ocsnal teenage girl falls for a boy who's gay, but don't take most girls very long to figure out that, this se, where there's smoke, there's most fely not fire.

In general, the attractn women feel for gay men tends to be emotnal nature, clearg the way for a highly satisfyg relatnship that outlasts most other relatnships gay men and straight women have.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Send, straight women love gay men bee closens wh gay men provis a wdow to how the mds of men work, somethg that women want to know as they navigate datg waters wh their straight male peers. Though there are, of urse, differenc between straight and gay men, gay men are neverthels men who share many characteristics and motivatns wh straight men.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE

When to the sexualy of young straight and gay men—meang, how equently they thk about sex, want , or feel impatient to get to the actual sex part—there are undoubtedly siari. In general, gay men, and gay women, too, tend to be more fearls than their straight unterparts—particularly straight men—bee they’ve ually experienced bullyg and prejudice bee of their sexual orientatn. Instead, they feel more fortable removg the sexual factor that exists at straight bars and prefer the harmlsns that wh socializg wh gay men gay surroundgs.

If straight women and gay men foc on fdg iendships where there's te emotnal patibily and rpect, they n velop one of the most rewardg relatnships a person uld have. You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife. I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage.

Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

Now a new psychology study has provid evince that gay men and straight women are the perfect iends wh benefs – as long as the benefs have to do wh tstworthy relatnship advice.

“I was terted the evolutnary perspective as to why gay men and straight women form close iendships, ” says Eric Rsell, a visg psychology rearcher at the Universy of Texas At and lead thor of the study, published the latt issue of Evolutnary Psychology. Rsell wonred if had somethg to do wh the exchange of matg advice sce gay men and straight women aren’t romantic partners or matg petn and were “uniquely posned to exchange tstworthy rmatn.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

”To tt his hypothis, Rsell enlisted the help of 88 straight women and 58 gay men, all unrgrads om the Texas ChristianUniversy, and nducted two one, straight women were prented wh a scenar volvg a party, a iend who bags out at the last mute and a substute “date” named Jordan. Rearchers asked the women to look up a Facebook profile for Jordan -- who was prented as eher a straight woman, a straight man or a gay man – and then answer a seri of qutns.

In the send study, gay men were prented wh the exact same scenar except the Facebook profile picted Jordan as eher a straight woman, a gay woman or a gay qutns – signed to terme the level of tst tt subjects had for each genr/sexual preference – were ccial to the person’s “game.

”It’s a dynamic well-documented movi, lerature and pop culture, says Rsell, potg to famo gay guy-straight gal iendships like Will and Grace and Kurt and Rachel om Glee. There’s even a seri of YouTube vios om the edy group Send Cy showg how a number of famo straight women om lerature – thk Juliet, Lady MacBeth and Charl Dickens’ Miss Havisham – uld have benefed om a “sassy gay iend. Lare was the maid of honor at Fick' weddg, and Fick was Lare's“In general, if you were askg whether I’d tst a straight woman or a gay man an unknown suatn, I’d probably end up tstg the straight woman rather than the gay guy, ” he says.

GAY MEN HAVG SEX WH WOMEN?

”Christyne Blount, a 38-year-old fancial analyst om Seattle, says she fely would tst a gay man more than that of a straight man when me to datg advice but feels her straight women iends are every b as reliable. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

WOMEN WARM UP FASTER TO GAY MEN THAN STRAIGHT GUYS, STUDY SUGGTS

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men.

The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you. That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man).

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

To answer your qutn plaly wh the rmatn that you’ve shared, ’s likely that some gay men do have sexual relatnships wh women to hi their te orientatn, due to fear of g out. And, although scientific studi this field are rare, sexual aroal to women has been measured groups of men wh several different sexual orientatns, cludg those who intify as gay.

Surveys among high school stunts found differenc between inty and sexual behavrs, wh many of the self-intified gay or lbian stunts mentng that they engage sexual activi wh those of other genrs. In a pair of studi on the timacy of teractns between over 200 heterosexual women and their male nversatn partners, rearchers found that the women had iendlier, more open teractns wh gay men who disclosed their sexual orientatn pared to men who revealed that they were straight.

WHAT'S THE SCIENCE BEHD STRAIGHT WOMEN LIKG GAY MEN?

“When the women disver that they are teractg wh gay men, this anxiety is greatly rced that the women no longer feel prsured to supprs their more open and volvg teractn behavrs, ” Rsell said. In the first study, 153 heterosexual female llege stunts pleted an onle survey which they were asked to image stg alone a wag room wh eher a straight or gay male stranger. On average, women reported feelg slightly more at ease after learng the man was straight, but signifintly more fortable when the man turned out to be gay.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

Post-teractn, both members of straight woman-gay man (SW-GM) dyads reported higher levels of terpersonal rapport wh their partner than those straight woman-straight man (SW-SM) dyads. “Straight women and gay men likely see their iendships as safe spac where they n have fun, be themselv, and engage timate nversatns whout fear of judgement, expectatns, or one-sid sexual tert, ” says Rsell. Megan Holgate uldn’t que believe where she was the height of the Aids crisis and she was the wag room of an ner-cy STI clic, equented by those most at risk of HIV: gay men, jectg dg ers, sex, as she had been, a monogamo married had felt “too ashamed” to ask her doctor for the HIV tt.

As her dad pulled up she opened her purse, fat wh not, and phed them all to the bewilred man’s hands before beg whisked is one of a potentially dyg breed of women: those who married closeted gay men. Her anger wasn’t at him, but at his fay and culture for not lettg him be who he should have been the first place: “It was like he didn’t know how to be gay. Books, televisn shows and feature-length films have all highlighted this unique relatnship, noted for s closens and wh society's attus toward gays and lbians changg, 's bee all the more important to build a holistic unrstandg of the relatnships between gay and straight a rearcher social psychology, I've often wonred: Why do straight female-gay male relatnships work so well?

Bee gay men don't mate wh women—or pete wh them for mat—women feel a certa level of fort wh gay men, and the procs of formg a close iendship n occur relatively heterosexual men (who, by fn, are sexually attracted to women), the procs is longer—and potentially more ght—bee men may be grapplg wh their own sexual other words, bee gay men are attracted to their own genr, they're a "safe bet" for women—at least, om a socblogil three years ago, I ially tted this theory a seri of experiments that have served as the foundatn of my rearch program on gay-straight the experiments, straight female participants were shown fict Facebook profil pictg eher a straight woman, straight man or gay man. I also reced gay male participants, and had them plete the same task (wh the gay men viewg Facebook profil pictg a straight female, gay male or lbian female) experiments, published the journal Evolutnary Psychology, monstrated that straight women and gay men perceived one another to be tstworthy sourc of relatnship and datg advice.

LBIANS MORE ACCEPTED THAN GAY MEN AROUND THE WORLD, STUDY FDS

Crackg the why and whenRecently, my lleagu and I at the Universy of Texas at Arlgton veloped a seri of four related tled the four studi "Why (and When) Straight Women Tst Gay Men: Ulterr Matg Motiv and Female Competn, " wh the hope of better tablishg why straight women tst gay men and when straight women would be most likely to seek out gay men for iendship and the first study, I wanted to replite the fdg that women tst gay men more than straight men or straight women.

This time, however, I wanted to see if women would only tst gay men's datg-related advice as opposed to other typ of turns out straight women only tsted a gay man's advice about a potential boyiend more than the same advice om, say, a straight man or another straight woman.

It really only had to do wh one thg: datg and further exame why this might be the se, we had women image receivg rmatn om eher a straight woman, straight man, or a gay man about their physil appearance and the dateabily of potential boyiends.