The Top 10 Arguments Agast Gay Marriage: All Receive Failg Gras! | HuffPost Voic

gay people against gay marriage

Wh two Supreme Court lgs on same-sex marriage expected, why are some gay people opposed to ?

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THE GAY PEOPLE AGAST GAY MARRIAGE

* gay people against gay marriage *

A send lg will be ma on the legaly of California's gay marriage while favourable lgs will spark celebratns among pro-marriage supporters across the US, some gay men and women will stead see as a victory for a patriarchal stutn that bears no historil relevance to lbians are opposed to marriage on femist grounds, says Cldia Card, a profsor of philosophy at the Universy of Wisns-Madison, bee they see as an stutn that serv the terts of men more than women. And the ntrary views are not often the UK, Daily Mail lumnist Andrew Pierce says that for speakg out agast gay marriage the past, he has been attacked as a homophobe and Uncle Tom, spe a long history of champng gay strongly believ that civil partnerships - troduced 2005 to give same-sex upl equal legal rights - are enough. But beme an objective the early 1990s - regretfully, her view - when the movement emerged om the seismic shock of the Aids epimic, pleted of polil gay people who are favour of same-sex marriage believe anythg short of marriage is not rarely hear arguments agast by gay people themselv, says Stampp Corb, publisher of magaze LGBT Weekly, who se strong parallels wh the civil rights movement.

I’M GAY AND I’M AGAST GAY MARRIAGE

In most public discsns, the issue of same-sex marriage is posed as a simple qutn – for or agast? – where to be for or agast is to be, more or ls, for or agast gay people. Although don’t… * gay people against gay marriage *

The posts, and the way they spread across the ter, spoke to jt how much the culture at large wants to see queer people the better part of a , gay marriage was the rallyg cry for the queer liberatn movement: The theory held that this major legal tone would burst the dam and give way to a flood of total equaly.

Lbian and gay muni, and the femist muni wh which they have historilly overlapped, have long celebrated the valu of sexual diversy over the sexual nformy reprented by marriage and the ethil importance of sexual straight-talkg rather than the double-standards so equently observed marriage’s vicy. It is large part bee of femist and gay novatns livg that marriage today is creasgly unrstood not as a relig but a social relatn; characterised not by male domatn but equaly and mutualy between the sex; valued not terms of s ntractual basis but terms of s ongog ntributn to a person’s sense of well-beg; and mataed not until ath-do--part but for as long as both parti fd satisfactn . “Many of those, while not specifilly tied to a church, are rooted the nservative Christian, biblil sense of human sexualy, ” said Stt McCoy, the terim puty legal director for LGBTQ rights and special ligatn for the SPLC and the SPLC Actn Fund, the group’s polil actn simply holdg a relig belief that views homosexualy or transgenr inty as sful do not tomatilly land a church or an anizatn on the SPLC’s list of hate groups.

GROUPS OPPOSED TO GAY RIGHTS RAKE LNS AS STAT BATE ANTI-LGBTQ BILLS

In today’s heightened culture war, the ffers of the anti-gay movement are overflowg. * gay people against gay marriage *

Early Years: Same-Sex Marriage Bans In 1970, jt one year after the historic Stonewall Rts that galvanized the gay rights movement, law stunt Richard Baker and librarian Jam McConnell applied for a marriage license Gerald Nelson rejected their applitn bee they were a same-sex uple, and a trial urt upheld his cisn.

” This lg effectively blocked feral urts om lg on same-sex marriage for s, leavg the cisn solely the hands of stat, which alt blow after blow to those hopg to see gay marriage beg 1973, for stance, Maryland beme the first state to create a law that explicly f marriage as a unn between a man and woman, a belief held by many nservative relig groups.

GAY MARRIAGE

The road to full marriage equaly for same-sex upl the Uned Stat was paved wh setbacks and victori. The landmark 2015 Supreme Court se Obergefell v. Hodg ma gay marriage legal throughout the untry. * gay people against gay marriage *

In 1989, the San Francis Board of Supervisors passed an ordance that allowed homosexual upl and unmarried heterosexual upl to register for domtic partnerships, which granted hospal visatn rights and other years later, the District of Columbia siarly passed a new law that allowed same-sex upl to register as domtic partners. C., 1993, the hight urt Hawaii led that a ban on same-sex marriage may vlate that state nstutn’s Equal Protectn Clse—the first time a state urt has ever ched toward makg gay marriage Hawaii Supreme Court sent the se—brought by a gay male uple and two lbian upl who were nied marriage licens 1990—back for further review to the lower First Circu Court, which 1991 origally dismissed the the state tried to prove that there was “pellg state tert” jtifyg the ban, the se would be tied up ligatn for the next three Defense of Marriage Act Opponents of gay marriage, however, did not s on their hnch.

SHOULD GAY MARRIAGE BE LEGAL?

Proponents ntend that gay marriage bans are discrimatory and unnstutnal, opponents ague that marriage is primarily for procreatn. * gay people against gay marriage *

That is, even if a state ma gay marriage legal, same-sex upl still wouldn’t be able to file e tax jotly, sponsor spo for immigratn benefs or receive spoal Social Secury payments, among many other act was a huge setback for the marriage equaly movement, but transient good news arose three months later: Hawaii Judge Kev S. Phg for Change: Civil Unns The next saw a whirlwd of activy on the gay marriage ont, begng wh the year 2000 when Vermont beme the first state to legalize civil unns, a legal stat that provis most of the state-level benefs of years later, Massachetts beme the first state to legalize gay marriage when the Massachetts Supreme Court led that same-sex upl had the right to marry Goodridge v.

For the first time the untry’s history, voters (rather than judg or legislators) Mae, Maryland, and Washgton approved Constutnal amendments permtg same-sex marriage marriage also beme a feral issue 2010, Massachetts, the first state to legalize gay marriage, found Sectn 3 of DOMA—the part of the 1996 law that fed marriage as a unn between one man and one woman—to be unnstutnal.

Wdsor, nservative Jtice Anthony Kennedy sid wh Jtic Ruth Bar Gsburg, Stephen Breyer, Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan favor of same-sex marriage rights, ultimately makg gay marriage legal across the natn June this time, was still outlawed only 13 stat, and more than 20 other untri had already legalized gay marriage, startg wh the Netherlands December 2000. On July 25, 2014 Miami-Da County Circu Court Judge Sarah Zabel led Florida’s gay marriage ban unnstutnal and stated that the ban “serv only to hurt, to discrimate, to prive same-sex upl and their fai of equal digny, to label and treat them as send-class cizens, and to em them unworthy of participatn one of the fundamental stutns of our society.

THE PEOPLE WHO OPPOSE THE GAY MARRIAGE LAW

The gay rights movement the Uned Stat began the 1920s and saw huge progrs the 2000s, wh laws prohibg homosexual activy stck down and a Supreme Court lg legalizg same-sex marriage. * gay people against gay marriage *

2016 printial ndidate and former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fra stated that civil unns are aquate as an equivalent to marriage: “Benefs are beg btowed to gay upl [ civil unns]… I believe we need to rpect those who believe that the word marriage has a spirual foundatn… Why n’t we rpect and tolerate that while at the same time sayg ernment nnot btow benefs unequally. Court papers filed July 2014 by attorneys fendg Arizona’s gay marriage ban stated that “the State regulat marriage for the primary purpose of channelg potentially procreative sexual relatnships to endurg unns for the sake of jog children to both their mother and their father… Same-sex upl n never provi a child wh both her blogil mother and her blogil father. Queer activist Anrs Zanichkowsky stated June 2013 that the then mpaign for gay marriage “tentnally and malicly eras and exclus so many queer people and cultur, particularly trans and genr non-nformg people, poor queer people, and queer people non-tradnal fai… marriage thks non-married people are viant and not tly servg of civil rights.

GAY RIGHTS

As an atheist gay who regards marriage as part of the baggage of heterosexual society which I have e to rpect but n never fully share, I am tempted to say a plague on both your ho, " he wrote the Daily Telegraph source, Getty ImagImage ptn, The historian David Starkey: "I'm torn on gay marriage"Actor Rupert Everett perhaps gave the most lourful argument agast, a 2012 terview the Guardian.

Ernment signated Gerber’s Chigo hoe a Natnal Historic Pk TriangleCorbis/Getty ImagHomosexual prisoners at the ncentratn mp at Sachsenhsen, Germany, wearg pk triangl on their uniforms on December 19, gay rights movement stagnated for the next few s, though LGBT dividuals around the world did e to the spotlight a few example, English poet and thor Radclyffe Hall stirred up ntroversy 1928 when she published her lbian-themed novel, The Well of Lonels. ”Though started off small, the foundatn, which sought to improve the liv of gay men through discsn groups and related activi, expand after foundg member Dale Jenngs was arrted 1952 for solicatn and then later set ee due to a adlocked the end of the year, Jenngs formed another anizatn lled One, Inc., which weled women and published ONE, the untry’s first pro-gay magaze. That same year, four lbian upl San Francis found an anizatn lled the Dghters of Bilis, which soon began publishg a newsletter lled The Ladr, the first lbian publitn of any early years of the movement also faced some notable setbacks: the Amerin Psychiatric Associatn listed homosexualy as a form of mental disorr followg year, Print Dwight D.

”In fear of beg shut down by thori, bartenrs would ny drks to patrons spected of beg gay or kick them out altogether; others would serve them drks but force them to s facg away om other ctomers to prevent them om 1966, members of the Mattache Society New York Cy staged a “sip-”—a twist on the “s-” protts of the 1960s— which they vised taverns, clared themselv gay, and waed to be turned away so they uld sue.

HOW SAFE IS GAY MARRIAGE? ADVOT FEAR CREASGLY NSERVATIVE URT

They were nied service at the Greenwich Village tavern Juli, rultg much publicy and the quick reversal of the anti-gay liquor Stonewall Inn A few years later, 1969, a now-famo event talyzed the gay rights movement: The Stonewall clanste gay club Stonewall Inn was an stutn Greenwich Village bee was large, cheap, allowed dancg and weled drag queens and homels the early hours of June 28, 1969, New York Cy police raid the Stonewall Inn. Addnally, several openly LGBTQ dividuals secured public office posns: Kathy Kozachenko won a seat to the Ann Harbor, Michigan, Cy Council 1974, beg the first out Amerin to be elected to public Milk, who mpaigned on a pro-gay rights platform, beme the San Francis cy supervisor 1978, beg the first openly gay man elected to a polil office asked Gilbert Baker, an artist and gay rights activist, to create an emblem that reprents the movement and would be seen as a symbol of pri.

In 1981, the Centers for Disease Control and Preventn published a report about five prevly healthy homosexual men beg fected wh a rare type of 1984, rearchers had intified the e of AIDS—the human immunoficiency vis, or HIV—and the Food and Dg Admistratn licensed the first mercial blood tt for HIV 1985. But after failg to garner enough support for such an open policy, Print Clton 1993 passed the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) policy, which allowed gay men and women to serve the ary as long as they kept their sexualy a rights advot cried the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy, as did ltle to stop people om beg discharged on the grounds of their 2011, Print Obama fulfilled a mpaign promise to repeal DADT; by that time, more than 12, 000 officers had been discharged om the ary unr DADT for refg to hi their sexualy. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was officially repealed on September 20, Marriage and Beyond In 1992, the District of Columbia passed a law that allowed gay and lbian upl to register as domtic partners, grantg them some of the rights of marriage (the cy of San Francis passed a siar ordance three years prr and California would later extend those rights to the entire state 1999) 1993, the hight urt  Hawaii led that a ban on gay marriage may go agast the state’s nstutn.

BEG AGAST GAY MARRIAGE DON'T MAKE YOU A HOMOPHOBE

”John Arthur, an ALS patient, and Jim Obergefell, partners for more than 20 years, are married on a medil plane Maryland Hartong / Ccnati Enquirer via AP fileAdvocy groups were quick to h back at the two nservative jtic, wh the Human Rights Campaign, the untry’s largt gay rights group, sayg a statement that Thomas and Alo had “renewed their war on LGBTQ rights and marriage equaly, as the urt hangs the balance. When Gallup first polled Amerins on the topic of gay marriage, 1996, only 27 percent said they were favor of also noted there was an crease support for workplace protectns for LGBTQ people, which the urt recently led favor of June’s Bostock cisn, termg that Tle VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 protects agast workplace discrimatn based on sexual orientatn and genr were surprised when Gorsuch, a Tmp appotee, voted favor of those protectns, and fact wrote the argued that many “misread Gorsuch, ” whom he lled “not your tradnal social nservative” but rather a “libertarian nservative, ” hence his cisn on that se g through a “pla readg of a statute rather than a large nstutnal exercise. The Huffgton Post’s Pl Rshenbh quickly wrote up a rponse, sayg that “The hard realy that Cardal Dolan and all Christians need to face up to is that the Catholic Church along wh every other church whether Orthodox, Prottant or Catholic has been horrifilly, persistently and vehemently anti-gay for almost all of s history.

THE TOP 10 ARGUMENTS AGAST GAY MARRIAGE: ALL RECEIVE FAILG GRAS!

” I have no rervatns about my sexualy, so as far as the accatn of homophobia go: that gay ship has already sailed to Disneyland, wh a speedo-clad Tom Daley rved to the ’s “anti-gay” to qutn the arguments of marriage-equaly advot, and if the word “homophobic” is exhsted on me or on pole dissenters, then what should we ll someone who beats up gay people, or prefers not to hire them?

GAY RIGHTS VS. FREE SPEECHSUPREME COURT BACKS WEB DIGNER OPPOSED TO SAME-SEX MARRIAGE

When we hastily label our opposn wh terms like “anti-gay, ” we make an unwarranted leap om the first scriptn to the me, regnizg the distctn between opposg gay marriage and opposg gay people is a natural outgrowth of an ternal distctn: When to my inty, I take re not to rce myself to my sexual orientatn. Maybe his distctn between Brandon and Gay Brandon is misguid, but isn’t necsarily malic, and that’s the Schenck, current chairman of the Evangelil Church Alliance, told me that while he believ that marriage is between one man and one woman, this belief is a “source of ternal nflict” and “nsternatn” for him. ImageLorie Smh said her Christian fah requir her to turn away ctomers seekg servic to celebrate same-sex Woolf for The New York TimThe Supreme Court sid on Friday wh a web signer Colorado who said she had a First Amendment right to refe to sign weddg webs for same-sex upl spe a state law that forbids discrimatn agast gay people.

The liberal jtic viewed as somethg else entirely — a dispute that threatened societal protectns for gay rights and rolled back some recent an impassned dissent, Jtice Sonia Sotomayor warned that the oute signaled a return to a time when people of lor and other mory groups faced open discrimatn.

Kavangh and Amy Coney Barrett, shifted the urt to the urts have generally sid wh gay and lbian upl who were refed service by bakeri, florists and others, lg that potential ctomers are entled to equal treatment, at least parts of the untry wh laws forbiddg discrimatn based on sexual owners of bs challengg those laws have argued that the ernment should not force them to choose between the requirements of their fahs and their livelihoods. Addnally, several stat terpret existg laws agast sex discrimatn to apply to bias relatg to sexual orientatn and genr inty, even though they do not have laws explicly forbiddg such stat that do not offer protectns to gay and transgenr people on those grounds, municipal laws ver many Human Rights Campaign, an L.

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* GAY PEOPLE AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE

I’m Gay and I’m Agast Gay Marriage - The Doe</tle><meta name="article:published_time" ntent="2020-07-24T06:00:00+0000"/><meta name="thor" ntent="Barrie Cradshaw"/><meta name="scriptn" ntent="The se for wedlock not beg all ’s cracked up to be, for queer and straight people alike."/><meta property="og:scriptn" ntent="The se for wedlock not beg all ’s cracked up to be, for queer and straight people alike."/><meta property="og:image" ntent="><meta property="og:image:alt" ntent="Two men gettg married"/><meta property="og:tle" ntent="I’m Gay and I’m Agast Gay Marriage"/><meta property="og:type" ntent="article"/><meta property="og:url" ntent="><meta name="twter:rd" ntent="summary_large_image"/><meta name="twter:se" ntent="@TheDoe"/><meta name="twter:scriptn" ntent="The se for wedlock not beg all ’s cracked up to be, for queer and straight people alike."/><meta name="twter:imageUrl" ntent="><script type="applitn/ld+json">{"@ntext":","@type":"Article","maEntyOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"},"headle":"I’m Gay and I’m Agast Gay Marriage","datePublished":"2020-07-24T06:00:00+0000","dateModified":"2020-07-24T06:00:00+0000","thor":{"@type":"Person","name":"Barrie Cradshaw"},"publisher":{"@type":"Organizatn","name":"The Doe","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"}},"image":[",",",","],"articleBody":"I was workg om home on a weekday afternoon when a iend dropped round the hop I'd be able to enterta her, spe the work pilg up on my sk and the unanswered emails screamg my box. We sat down the livg room, where I curled my legs unrneath me and watched her warm her hands on the cup of ffee I’d jt ma her. As I half-listened to the stream of mundane rmatn g out of her, I ma a to-do list my head: reply to Cathy, make not for tomorrow’s meetg, read that stunt’s draft. By the time I returned to what she was sayg, she was discsg marriage. Someone she worked wh had recently end their 14-year marriage after an affair. It was msy: hurt egos, kids ught the middle and a risg fancial st. “I’ll never get married,” I said, whout a thought. My iend blew on her still-too-hot ffee, a remr of how slowly time was passg. “Never say never,” she said, her voice oddly sual as she dismissed me wh three simple words. “You never know where you’ll be a few years.” She seemed ignorant that she had jt outled one of the most quoted arguments agast marriage: divorce.\r\nNot Everyone Dreams About Their Weddg Day\r\nThe thg is, I did know. I hadn't been raised to thk of marriage as aspiratnal. Instead, I was raised by a sgle father who disuraged relatnships of any kd. He built up a small world, one that was imperable to outsirs. We saw our extend fay once a year, he never dated and he disuraged the pursu of romance over tn. Once, when I was eight years old and still unsure of my sexualy, I asked when I should have my first girliend. “In your twenti,” he said, “when you’re done wh school.” Through watchg him, I had learned the value of pennce and a particular type of workg-class emotnal reprsn that was hard to shake. I was never que fortable when someone else paid for dner. I had also grown up queer, qutng my sexualy and genr inty thlsly. For the first twenty-one years of my life, marriage wasn’t an optn that was actually available to me. There were civil partnerships, but their perceived stat, both culturally and polilly, was send-class to marriage. So while my straight peers dreamed of whe drs and quat untrysi church, I checked out. I thought about sex and exploratn. I thought about my future, about what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. I thought aimlsns and the fact that I floated between potential profsns, unable to moor myself to anyone, was the biggt issue facg me. Marriage was never even part of my plan. Now, my late twenti, marriage is an ever-prent specter. Morngs go by scrollg on Instagram, which is often filled wh the lite fgers of young women adorned wh diamonds that uld sk a ship. The women, who are often burned wh makg the announcement, ptn their photos “I Said Y,” alongsi an engagement rg emoji. Then there are photos of bridal ftgs, weddg fairs, pk champagne, hen nights, stag parti and nuptial statns, before the eventual walk down the aisle. What I began to notice more and more, though, were the LGBTQ+ people engagg this type of behavr and the way that type of ntent often went viral. On Twter, I saw a vio of two women at Disneyland. One pulled out a rg and got down on her kne. The other screamed and pulled a rg om her cksack too. I read Tr bs of men lookg for “hband material.” I saw women tux ont of the altar and men posg outsi church a shower of rice. The posts, and the way they spread across the ter, spoke to jt how much the culture at large wants to see queer people married. For the better part of a , gay marriage was the rallyg cry for the queer liberatn movement: The theory held that this major legal tone would burst the dam and give way to a flood of total equaly. Then, when fally happened var plac across the world, this hard-fought-for pary felt anticlimactic. If anythg, created another stick wh which to bash nonnformists while fuelg the already tense rpectabily polics wh the LGBTQ+ muny. Much like send-wave femism, the queer liberatn movement was now keenly aware of what “type” of queer bt-served progrs. Was the hypersexualized gay that uld be spun by right-wg punds as perverted and predatory? Or was the sweet nocent gay dreamg of one day gettg hched?\r\nI Don’t Thk Gay People Should Get Married (or Straight People)\r\nA month or two after that nversatn, I met up wh another iend for a walk. The heat was opprsive, and my back dampened wh sweat wh each step I took. As we ught up, I listened to her lay out her life to me—work, fay, prsur and assorted strs—until we got onto the topic of her boyiend. She was a long-distance relatnship and stgglg wh isolatn. The post-universy shift, where everyone eher go home to renfigure, transplants themselv to the pal or follows a job offer, had left the two of them hundreds of apart. The qutn was not only how they would navigate their current posn—g FaceTime, Skype and expensive tra journeys—but also their future stat. Where would they settle down? My iend suggted that movg together would most certaly lead to marriage, and she had cid she was fortable wh that. She saw for herself and always had. She'd attend a Catholic school, after all. “What about you?” she asked. “What about me?” “Do you thk you’ll get married?” \"I don't thk gay people should get married,\" I said a tone harsher than I tend. \"At least, the polil sense.\" She looked at me, puzzled. “Surely, you’re jokg?” she said. Marriage was the abstract for me. I had no long-distance boyiend and so, annoyed that I had to nsir my cisn relatn to hers, I beme oddly fensive. “I’m jt not sure we’ve thought through,” I said. “It feels like all the gay people are shg to get married, and what is marriage but a heterosexual ncept, one that is built on a history of female opprsn and patriarchal ntrol? How n gay people f wh a stcture that wasn’t built to clu them whout promisg?” She was still silent. Over the past few months, I had been readg and rmg myself about the polics of gay marriage. I was marchg towards 27, and I realized that I would have to heavily fend my cisn not to marry for the next few years. I'm the last sgle adult the fay; th, I need the ammunn. It seemed that most people st me as a bter queer who was turng down somethg I had not yet been offered. As if, when the offer did e along, I would be grateful that someone had e to rcue me om the stew of rentment and lonels I was broilg . They arrogantly assumed their heteronormative predictns would prove uful and I would eventually succumb to their way of thkg. It didn’t seem to occur to them that my disavowal of marriage didn’t mean I would live my life alone. It didn’t mean I uldn’t be wh someone for a long time, or that we uldn't draw up legal ntracts regardg -owned property or how we would spl up assets if we broke up. To them, the choice was eher marriage or life as a spster. My iend took a ep breath and cid she wanted to move on. But I wasn’t done. “I mean, don’t you thk ’s fucked up?” I went on. “Queer people spend their adolcence beg treated like sh, lled nam, beaten up, and then when they get olr, they’re so nsc of what the straight majory thks. So what? They get married as if to say, ‘I’m jt like you, please stop hatg me.’ It’s super weird. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I give no weight to nservative objectns to . Fuck them. But, I don’t know, I thk ’s more plex than people realize.” “Isn’t marriage about love?” she asked, absently, hopg this brief terlu to radil social polics was g to an end. I didn’t know if was worth enterg to the bate around marriag as transactnal and the ia of “love” beg ed as an stutnal sellg pot. So we walked on.\r\nQueer People Can’t Be Expected to Fix a Straight Instutn\r\nFor a long time, there has been a femist argument agast marriage, and now there is a queer one too. In her book Trick Mirror, Jia Tolento poss that there is room to change the genred implitns of marriage bee, the wake of Obergefell v. Hodg, same-sex marriage, “renfigured as an stutn that uld be entered to on genr-equal terms.” Relyg on queers to revalize a heterosexual stutn, rather than allowg them to create their own, is problematic. We're not gog to e and Queer Eye an outdated tradn by puttg a shy metallic bomber jacket and teachg to love self. That is not the path to queer liberatn. The view that LGBTQ+ people and straight people are now equal Wtern society is a blurry illn. We’re now allowed to engage tradnally straight activi such as marriage or raisg children, and while the are sential legal rights, they aren't precisely equaly. They merely equate to assiatn, or the right to be treated fairly if you nform to the stctur already place. This means that LGBTQ+ people who don’t wish to enter to marriag—pecially those who might be non-monogamo or “unnventnal” romantic arrangements—are judged differently and not offered the same social stat who follow straight tradns. It is no mistake that marriage offers certa legal and social advantag that no other agreement n. In that way, marriage is centivized to gays and straights alike who seek legal secury for their children, healthre benefs and surance payouts. But, I believe this speaks to how we should offer alternativ—a straight female iend of me recently talked to me about how she would much rather have a civil partnership. “All the benefs whout the patriarchal history,” she lled . I am cled to agree. The queer femist wrer Audre Lor wrote that when tryg to build the visn of your future wh the nf of a racist patriarchy, \"Only the most narrow perimeters of change are possible and allowable.\" But how do that affect queer people? Have we, as queer people, given up any hope of formg our own l now that we have the right to abi by someone else's?\r\nThe Pater Problem\r\nIn the summer of 2018, I dated a pater for two months. At no pot did we talk about marriage (why would we?), but that didn't stop the ia om perlatg amongst my iends. He was, on paper, a perfect match for me. He was Amerin, an artist, chilled-out enough to balance my nros and ocsnally even thoughtful. To others, seemed that I'd found my match—and that was . I had done what every sgle person was supposed to do: I found a potential end to my sgledom. Though, as the weeks passed by, beme creasgly clear that I was unnerved by the prospect of monogamy and the ia of lifelong mment. Even the hypothetil, marriage was terrifyg. It felt like I wasn’t jt talkg about the pater as he was, but also as he would be. Would his stterbraed nature prove annoyg the future? Would I eventually fd the weed smokg tirome? Would we be happy together, forever, a three-bedroom, semi-tached the suburbs? I felt like I was havg a pre-approved future forced upon me—a quasi-heterosexual life that felt like would close on me wh s mortgag, baby cloth and shared cemetery plots. Could I spend the rt of my life wh the pater? Doubtful. Was possible to know that after two months? No. So, why then was I gog sane over lifelong patibily? I was nsirg his potential through the lens of heteronormativy, subnscly asssg our whatevership by heterosexual standards. Then, when end, felt more like a failure than the two-month romp that was. Would have felt that way if the prsure of marriage or longevy weren’t so prevalent? My disda for marriage is born om a nfluence of reasons, some personal and some polil. Mostly, however, down to the fact I’m not ma for , and was not ma for me. Yet, I am expected to want . The ia of mak me anx. (While wrg this say, my right ankle broke out a strs rash.) But also mak me angry: angry about a lack of unrstandg om heterosexuals who ntually promote marriage as the pnacle, and mad that ’s me who’s expected to alter my perceptn, rather than them. Instead of dog their part dismantlg the heteronormative patriarchy and the systems of opprsn, they ask that I, as a queer person, enter to their stutn and try to galvanize —to make ol aga as if were a '90s tracksu or Polaroid mera. That day when my iend rang my doorbell as I was tryg to work, I realized how ltle sense the whole thg mak. My iend was mourng the ath of a marriage bee we see marriage as succs and divorce as a failure. What if, as queer people, we were able to opt out of that, and create our own systems of succs and failure as we see f? What if you happily spend 20 years of your life wh someone and then break up? Is that failure? What if were normal for people to spl and move on when thgs beme a ltle stale or were able to spread their wgs sexually whout the curta-twchg neighbors gettg cur? What if were normal not to expect all thgs om one person, if society were set up to value close iendships and nurture them alongsi romantic on? Why not let queer people figure out that new visn? Let make our own l and not bend to someone else's. When she fished her ffee, she stood up and ma to leave. I followed her out to the hallway and slked around her to open the door. She stood still for a moment, lookg out onto the street. I wonred what she was thkg. She turned me to, hugged me briefly and head off to the afternoon. I sat back down at my sk, opened my box, and got back to work, but I uldn’t shake what she’d said. Never, I thought fiantly. Never, never, never. 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