‘Honey, I’ve got a secret’ : When gay men e out to their wiv | SBS Voic

Contents:

• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• GAY MAN REVEALS WHY HE LOV BEG MARRIED TO A WOMAN
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• ‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• WHY DO GAY MEN MARRY WOMEN: A COMPREHENSIVE EXPLANATN
• HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO
• "WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad.

GAY MAN REVEALS WHY HE LOV BEG MARRIED TO A WOMAN

Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn.

Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective. Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay.

‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV

He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him. Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay. Then, wh the AIDS epimic, a lot of men who were gay felt as if they uld be straight, was a good time to be straight.

And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me. Do you fd that a lot of gay men straight marriag engage blamg and gaslightg as part of the act? I fd tertg that a lot of men this suatn ratnalize their behavr, sayg ’s not cheatg and don’t mean they’re gay.

He had also been tellg me thgs like, “If you ever tell anybody the silly stori about me beg gay, then that’s , we’re done. Gay man reveals why he lov beg married to a womanHe’s gay, she’s straight – but for Skyler and Amanda Sorensen their relatnship nsists of “normal marriage thgs”. A Mormon uple the Uned Stat have opened up about their “mixed orientatn” marriage which gay man Skyler Sorensen is happily married to his wife Utah uple went viral earlier this year when a tweet om Mr Sorensen scribg their unual suatn was wily shared on Twter.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

“We have our stggl of urse, like every marriage, but me beg gay hasn’t been … the biggt issue our marriage, ” he told the New York Post. ”In the Mormon fah a “celtial marriage” between a man and a woman (wh the belief that marriage n last to the afterlife) is the path to heaven and no longer nmns LGBT people as “apostat”, do expect gay Mormons to absta om sexual ntact wh someone of the same sex.

“I’ve always pictured this realisatn of fay my life: Marryg a woman, havg children, raisg those children, ” Mr Sorensen he adms the Mormon church hasn’t had a great rerd on their treatment of gay people, he has been disappoted at the rponse om the LGBT muny to his suatn. Why do some people bee so outspoken and judgmental about marriag wh one straight and one gay spoe?

WHY DO GAY MEN MARRY WOMEN: A COMPREHENSIVE EXPLANATN

Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight. The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show). They report they are attracted to men but choose not to live as a gay man and their straight wiv accept this.

There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men.

They make this choice wh open discsns, which are very paful and emotnal for both the gay man and the straight wife. You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife. I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage.

HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO

Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure. Some upl try to “live straight” and image that they will be able to not acknowledge the hband’s gayns any way.

"WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED

Generally, a gay man will feel a lot of emotnal distrs, grief, and prsn if he is livg so eply the closet. Most of my male clients who are gay and married to women didn’t know that their inty was gay when they married. He most likely terpreted his gay terts as sexual “kks, ” and he nvced himself they would fa away after he married.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually.

The big qutn is: How n a gay man affirm his inty wh other gay men and at the same time rema te to his wife? Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv. ” Jim, now 62, ns a group Boston lled GAMMA – the Gay and Married Men’s Associatn – one of many siar groups which meet ci around the a month they gather for two hours to share stori.

In Boston, Jim says he’s seen men outed after beg arrted cisg at gay bears, or outed by private vtigators hired by their those who are still the closet, n be paful, terrifyg, and exhstg. He knew he had been attracted to men adolcence, but was somethg he tried not to thk was the mid-70s, but spe the sexual revolutn happeng around him, he says homosexualy jt wasn’t somethg you thought loved his wife. “Some guys believe that beg gay has lerally jt happened then, but then you dig a ltle eper and you often fd out that they’ve had [those feelgs] sce childhood, ” he both Sydney and Boston, the average age of men who e to group meetgs has been fallg.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

“A lot of the younger people we see knew they were gay and realised but wanted to have the tradnal fay and kids and thought they uld ratnalise , or told themselv they were bi, ” Jim says. ”Rippg off the band-aidJim says didn’t que click for him that he was gay until he was his early 30s and accintally stumbled upon a gay beat a public bathroom. A world of gay cisg opened up to him, he realised there were others like him, and that they were everywhere.

I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self. The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man). Acrdg to a study nducted by the Williams Instute at the Universy of California at Los Angel, around 20% of gay men the Uned Stat are married or have been married to women.

The reasons why gay men marry women vary and n volve societal prsure, fay expectatns, ternalized homophobia, relign, fancial stabily, and the sire to start a fay.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2

In the next sectns, we will explore each of the factors more out this Youtube vio: “Can a gay man and a straight woman have a happy marriage? Some gay men may not realize or accept their sexualy until later life, after already enterg a marriage wh a woman.