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Feeld, by enuragg open-mdns and rpect, suggts a way forward.</div><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl SplScreenContentHearByle-kvEhqE ejWxsm"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH ivtvgj byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span><a class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM ByleLk-gEnFiw iUEiRd ggMZaT cXqSTL eErqIx byle__name-lk button" href="/ntributors/ey-wt">Ey Wt</a></span></span></p></div><time data-ttid="ContentHearPublishDate" dateTime="2022-07-11T06:00:00-04:00" class="SplScreenContentHearPublishDate-bMGEVk gvRvVr">July 11, 2022</time><div class="SocialInsWrapper-hKMEXV ffgPVr social-ins social-ins--standard SplScreenContentHearSocialShare-gSVclr kUKgnn"><ul data-ttid="socialInslist" 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iame-embed"><div data-ttid="IameEmbedContaer" class="IameEmbedContaer-hptgUZ fXVBaX"><div class="IameEmbedAspectRatWrapper-hFVJps BKpgQ"><iame class="IameEmbedContent-cMdiev csnuAY IameEmbedContent lazyload" height="90" width="100%" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-orig allow-popups" tle="Embedd Frame" data-src=" allowfullscreen="" allow="toplay *; encrypted-media *; clipboard-wre; toplay; fullscreen; picture--picture"></iame></div></div></figure><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">In the late summer of 2020, when much of normal social life was spend, a relatnship that I had been for several years abptly llapsed. I was thirty-ne and sred by the ia that I would not be reproducg the kd of heteronormative nuclear fay I had grown up . I wanred the siwalks of my Brooklyn neighborhood, where disrd masks ltered the gutters, wh a sense of havg been exiled om my own life. My apartment, wh s t and s plants, still existed but was no longer my home; I uld get a glass of ld prosec at my favore bar, but the people I ed to see there seemed to have vanished. In Haki Murakami’s novel “<a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">1Q84</a>,” a character climbs down a ladr to a parallel existence which thgs appear to be the same but nothg really is. It did not take long to unrstand that there would be no ladr back to the world I had known, and that the portal to whatever was that me next was probably gog to appear on my phone. This is when I download a datg app lled Feeld.</p><p class="paywall">Feeld scrib self as a technology for “open-md sgl and upl who want to explore their sexualy.” It is ee to sign up, although a paid membership, priced at twelve dollars a month, offers perks such as the abily to nduct specialized search and let someone know that you like them before they’ve liked you. As on most datg apps, the profil lead wh photos, which range om sg upl formal drs at weddgs to torsos bondage gear. Below the photos is a ptn that might read, “?, 31, transmascule, gynexual, 3 km away.”</p><p class="paywall">Feeld was started London and today is available more than a hundred untri. You n jo lked wh a partner or as a sgle person, and choose om among twenty different tegori of genr and sexualy. The app is popular wh nonbary and trans people, married upl tryg to spice up their sex liv, hard-re B.D.S.M. enthiasts, and “digisexuals,” who prefer their erotic ntact wh others mediated by a screen. It is a place to be yourself, or to play at beg someone else. On Feeld, I’ve seen self-intified lbians who want to have sex wh men, men who sire lbians, and “heteroflexibl.” In a settg sometim scribed as “non-normative,” there are asexuals, cuckold fantasists, <a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">kchen-table polyamorists</a>, e-sexuals, and llectiv of men offerg group sex to sgle women. Some ers requt no overtur om cis mal, whe people, or straight people; others make wry jok about opprsive bety standards. (“Fatter than my pictur ?,” one er wrote.) Usg Feeld, I often thk of a le I read Jeremy Atherton L’s book-length monograph “<a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">Gay Bar</a>,” about the nature of queer spac night life: “<em>Inclivy</em> might not mean <em>everybody</em>,” L wr. “It uld dite <em>the rt of </em>.”</p><p class="paywall">Acrdg to the pany’s data, the typil Feeld er is between twenty-five and thirty years old and liv a big cy. Thirty-five per cent of ers are part of a uple. Activy on the app peaks around four o’clock the afternoon om Sunday to Thursday. I scribe to my iends as “the grownup hookup app.” By “grownup,” I mean not only that s ers are above a certa age but also that they favor a kd of matury and m; by “hookup,” I mean that the app facilat not romance but sex, broadly fed. It is not the place to fd your “down-to-earth, no-drama girliend” or your “partner crime.” Love languag, attachment styl, tas, and other clichés of Inter datg surface only rarely. Data pots such as diplomas and fancy jobs do not nfer stat. Instead, the aim of self-reprentatn on Feeld is to scribe a sexual sire language that won’t repel the kd of person you would like to meet, a skill that a sexually immature culture turns out to be somethg of an art.</p><div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--article-mid-ntent" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--article-mid-ntent nsumer-marketg-un__slot---ntent"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><p class="paywall">Settg up a profile is siar to most datg apps: you upload some photos, share your general lotn, and wre a short scriptn of yourself and what you are lookg for. Then you list your “sir” and your “terts.” On Feeld, the sir are ually sexual arrangements or fetish, and you n clu as many as ten. The list might read somethg like “kk, voyrism, group play, submissn, shibari [the Japane art of rope bondage], butts, FWB [as , “iends wh benefs”], MFM [as , “male-female-male”], cuddlg, eye ntact.” The most monly exprsed sir are “ethil nonmonogamy,” “upl,” “sextg,” and “sual datg.” The terts are more prosaic: “Malbec,” “glampg.”</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Over and over my adult life, spe beg an trovert wh a preference for monogamy, I have found myself suatns where I’ve had total sexual eedom. The olr I’ve got, the more I’ve unrstood how often sexual eedom impos self on people who don’t seek out—no marriage ntract, relign, posture of tradn, or abortn ban will protect a person om havg to ntend wh the sexual possibili of the prent. (Even the spectm of morn celibacy—cels, volcels, femcels—n be unrstood, at least part, as a reactn to so much eedom.) A fulfillg sexual life and the search for a relatnship uld proceed along distct paths, even if both tend to be grouped unr the nebulo umbrella of “datg.” Bee a romantic rejectn uld ms up your bra chemistry for months, ’s helped, when cidg wh whom to spend time, to know advance which lane you were , and what was reasonable to expect om another person. Feeld was the first app I’d ed that exprsly differentiated the search for erotic iendship om the search for romantic partnership. It was also unique that did not advertise this search the language and imagery of cis-male fantasi of no-strgs-attached sex. Its culture dited some unrstandg of the preutns and reassuranc that <em>the rt of </em> might need.</p><p class="paywall">In my ial profile, I put a photo of myself holdg the t that I no longer lived wh and a selfie I took on the street SoHo one afternoon after gettg my hair cut. I wrote somethg to the effect that I was newly out of a relatnship and that I liked talkg about relatnships. Wh my profile upload, I uld now see a feed of people arranged by geographic proximy and ci whether they were a y, a no, or someone I wanted to set asi for the moment and thk about later. Two ers who say y to each other n beg exchangg msag.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-1 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">One of my first msag was to a male-female uple who, their photo, were drsed black and stg on the gnarled tnk of a fallen tree, wh the man holdg a crooked woon staff, makg them look like they belonged to some kd of wizardry ven. They listed “tarot” and “psychonts” among their terts. At the time, I was readg a book lled “<a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">High Weirdns,</a>” a history of oteri by Erik Davis. “You guys seem so ol, I would be very to this,” I wrote. They didn’t rpond.</p><p class="paywall">The first date that worked out was wh a uple Bed-Stuy. Their profile has sce disappeared, but my memory of their facels photo they stood tasteful wool ats ont of a backdrop of snow. After they sent me pictur of their fac, we met Fort Greene Park, and then I went to their brownstone apartment, which had crown moldgs, vyl rerds, and plants. The formulaic Brooklyn dér was fortg. I’d moved out of my apartment a state of durs, wh no time to fd a new place. Most of my belonggs were a storage un Queens, and the rt were stuffed to the tnk of my dad’s Toyota Corolla. Meetg up wh the uple was a way of pretendg that everythg would be fe. They ma a vegetarian dner for me and served orange we; their len sheets were hly lnred. It was nice, but I was lyg to them, splayg a sexual optimist stead of beg a person wh no ia how to start over.</p><p class="paywall">A few weeks later, I drove a iend’s rented mper van om New York to Los Angel, as a favor. I end up stayg California for six months. Days would pass whout anyone askg where I was or what I was dog, and I turned more of my attentn to Feeld. It was an old strategy: when life don’t liver on a promised expectatn, I look for alternativ, and what I found on this app seemed like an alternative to the fantasy of fay I was lettg go of. “Feeld is for a new type of human,” Dimo Trifonov, the app’s founr, <a href=">once wrote</a>. “A human belongg to a new world, one of creativy, openns, rpect and exploratn.” This was one way to make my unwanted future tolerable, to at least make tertg for myself: to pretend that there was such a possibily as a new kd of person a new kd of world.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Feeld began, 2014, wh the story of Trifonov and Ana Kirova, two Bulgarian graphic signers their early twenti who were livg London. After meetg through iends, they fell love. Early their relatnship, Ana started havg unexpected feelgs for a French woman she’d met. “It feels a b childish now that I remember , but I thought, If I’m fallg love wh this woman, then I’m probably gay,” Kirova said. Hopg to warn Dimo “that what we have is not necsarily gog to last” she wrote him a letter. Instead of wantg to break up, Dimo surprised her by beg humbled and moved.</p><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><p class="paywall">They agreed to open their relatnship. “We really thought we had vented a new way of livg,” Kirova told me. “We didn’t know open relatnships and polyamory existed.” They tried datg apps but were met wh nfn by other ers, who told them, “There are swger Web s for people like you,” or asked, “If you still want to date, then why are you together?”</p><p class="paywall">Trifonov cid to create his own app to facilate threom. He put up a Web se wh mockups of what might look like and a sign-up list to gge tert. He lled the project 3nr (pronounced “thrr”), and for s logo ma an terlked sign the shape of a three. It had a simple premise: “Threom ma easy.” Dpe beg ltle more than an ia, 3nr got a lot of attentn the sluggish 2014 media environment, when the bs strategy for many digal news startups was to make hapls young wrers post twenty tim a day about prs releas.</p><p class="paywall">“It jt blew up immediately,” Kirova remembered. “There was a massive sign-up list.” A venture-pal firm, Haatch, put fifty thoand dollars to get the technology off the ground, and the app lnched a few months later. Wh a year, more than a ln people had download 3nr, wh California and New York quickly beg the biggt markets.</p><p class="paywall">The app’s spe began to change December, 2015, after Tr sent 3nr a cease-and-sist letter over the siary of the two pani’ nam, which was followed by a tramark-gement lawsu. Trifonov enuraged ers to flood social media wh msag of support for 3nr, but by Augt, 2016, he nced and rebrand the pany as Feeld, which was not meant to be a pun on “playg the field” but rather a suggtn that the app offered “a field of feelgs.”</p><p class="paywall">Feeld now advertised self as a place to meet “kky, cur, and open-md upl and sgl.” A new logo, of three terlockg ovals, renred the number three more abstractly. But the chang were not only a rebrand. They gave the startup a chance to reasss s purpose. Feeld arrived at a time when the trans-rights movement was changg ias about genr; mastream sexual culture was shiftg, too, wh the language and etiquette of polyamory and nonmonogamy beg more monplace. Kirova, who had been an rmal ntributor to the pany, accepted a salaried posn there. At first, she feared that might negatively affect her and Trifonov’s relatnship. But, she adms, her jog the pany was “evable”: “we were both workg on anyway.”</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-2 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">The uple noticed that Trifonov would move through profil cisively, sayg y or no, but that Kirova would sometim open the app, look at the person on top, and then close aga, unable to make up her md. They rebuilt the terface to allow ers to scroll through their feeds whout havg to ci whether they liked one person orr to see the next. “It was a very large piece of work at the time,” Kirova remembered.</p><p class="paywall">In 2018, Kirova took over as the head of product, meang that Feeld’s philosophy and er experience fell unr her ntrol, while Trifonov, as the C.E.O., focsed more on growg the pany. One day, she me across a long and heartfelt msage om a trans woman who was trated that Feeld had, at the time, only three genr optns. “She felt like she was erased, bee she uldn’t exprs her inty beyond the ‘other’ optn we had, but that Feeld was the only datg app she felt fortable ,” Kirova said. (OkCupid had add twenty-two genr optns 2014, but other apps were slow to follow.) “I’m que embarrassed by , bee was a typil se of a person om a margalized muny tg someone om a privileged one.” She relled the lson as an emotnal one: “This is not some game they’re playg,” she realized, of her ctomers. “It’s somethg which has ser impact and importance people’s liv.”</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><asi class="PersistentAsiWrapper-VGrR daRVRt persistent-asi" style="posn:absolute;top:to;height:to" data-ttid="PersistentAsiWrapper"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="tu4nk"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></asi></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="e0t3l"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">Kirova hired a nsultant to help Feeld pile a broar spectm of genr intifitns and sexual orientatns. She began vg trans and nonbary fluencers to the pany’s -person events London, where she would engage them long nversatns. She went on other sex-forward apps to see how they worked, cludg Grdr, where a gay uple ved her to jo them as a voyr. Today, Feeld’s Web se offers a glossary for more obscure terms, such as “objectumsexual” (someone whose sexualy is activated by specific animate objects) and “GrayA” (people for whom sexual attractn is very rare). Half of Feeld’s ers intify as somethg other than heterosexual, so the pany tri to be as rponsive as possible to variatns language. It allows ers to change their genr selectn on their profile up to three tim, and their sexualy as many tim as they want. Other revisns have e rponse to safety, such as requirg that both members of a uple have dividual profil. On the pany’s blog and a lerary journal publish, <em>Mal</em>, sexual trends are discsed and explored; an issue om 2020 was voted to sex negativy, wh says about the cel phenomenon and “heterofatalism.”</p><p class="paywall">Kirova took over as the C.E.O. of Feeld April, 2021. When I talked to her over vio early sprg, the day after her thirtieth birthday, she told me that Trifonov had cid to step back om tech to foc on his work as a visual artist and other projects. (Trifonov cled to be terviewed for this article.) The two are still a uple.</p><p class="paywall">Kirova has curly brown hair and a measured, thoughtful meanor; when we spoke, she was a -workg space the Portugue cy of Porto. Feeld is now a fully remote pany wh sixty team members, and tri to be as progrsive s rporate culture as is s product. Nearly half of the learship team intifi as female, and salari are transparent, wh a floor of eighty thoand dollars a year. Unr Kirova’s guidance, the app has seen immense growth, part bee of the strategy she ployed to get through <a href=">the panmic</a>.</p><p class="paywall">On Feeld, ers n eher select G.P.S. to intify their lotn or, bee Feeld has not been wily adopted outsi a certa circu of globalized urban centers, place themselv the “re” of a cy that has a high ncentratn of members—the “Melbourne re” or “Amsterdam re”—even if they are elsewhere. (People often do this advance of visg a cy, to set up some dat.) The panmic hastened the creatn of a “Stayg-at-Home re,” a kd of global clearghoe for people who are only terted meetg onle. Soon the pany add two more virtual feeds—the “Fantasy Bunker,” for people who want to skip the small talk and start sextg, and “Remote Trs,” for those wantg a digal threome. Followg the announcement of the virtual r, Feeld saw a fifty-per-cent crease downloads the first half of 2020, and a hundred-and-twenty-per-cent crease msag sent as sextg grew populary. “Unlike porn, ’s teractive,” Kirova said. “A good sextg partner n surprise you.”</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Los Angel has a reputatn for beg a difficult place to meet people. Then, late November, 2020, a <em class="small">COVID</em> spike shut the cy down. If anythg, this ma nnectg wh people on Feeld even easier; no one had anywhere else to be. I knew at the time that I was riskg gettg <em class="small">COVID</em>, but the alternative, prolonged sexual isolatn, seemed at least as harmful. I timed my enunters so that I wouldn’t endanger my relativ, who were the only other people I saw regularly. Ocsnally, I would hang out wh a uple, but I preferred the pany of sgle people, mostly bee there was an equaly of need. I uld arrange an enunter mut. I would take a bath, exchange a few photos om the tub, and a date would be set up; once, a guy diverted his jog and ran to my hoe. My dat happened sober and had an air of healthy exercise to them. Often we would go for a walk a park, like a Jane Aten novel. Sometim we would meet aga; most of the time, we wouldn’t. I preferred the emotnal distance of someone new.</p><p class="paywall">I have several unmarried and childls female iends who also started g Feeld durg the panmic. We were none of very young; all of had been “hookg up” wh people for large swaths of our adult liv, and we had gone through the evolutns of Inter datg, om Web-based servic to apps. The other apps, for all their creative prompts, had never stated the qutn que this plaly: What kd of sex did we want to have? It helped, too, that the dynamics which might upset the balance of a domtic partnership or be too embarrassg to propose to iends were ls ght to brg up wh strangers. Sex wh people outsi of our everyday social circl offered the eedom to rema unfed. Feeld uld serve as a laboratory settg, which one uld articulate a sire to try a new thg—erotic hypnosis, say, or tantric massage—and disver a willg and experienced llaborator. At other tim, we were offered somethg we would not have thought to ask for. Whereas some ers liked to prent themselv as edgy and experienced, Feeld was also a place where you uld state plaly that you were a p, or nervo. Sudnly, good sex wasn’t only a spontaneo nnectn of “chemistry” but a wi range of scenars that uld be engeered. Any sense of privacy was an illn—a man whose profile ntas photos of his face and who stat his sire to get pegged is as visible to his -workers and iends as he is to anyone else browsg the app—but the partmentalized nature of the enunters offered the promise of sexual experimentatn whout public claratn. This setup perhaps held special appeal for anyone who did not want to suffer the real or imaged judgment of their lleagu, relativ, or iends.</p><p class="paywall">The most dited Feeld er I know, who also turned to durg the panmic, is my iend Anna, who liv on her own Berl. Anna works food and we and has more social energy than almost any person I’ve met. The only thgs that I’ve seen really sndalize her are crass manners, pomposy, and what takeout culture has done to the sacred practice of eatg dner. In 2020, Anna, who is her early forti and grew up Sardia, was the first person to tell me about the msagg app Telegram, addg me to a bunch of sex and dg chat groups of the Berl unrworld, jt so I uld see how wild they were. But Telegram looked shady; I told her that there was an even better panmic sual-sex scene, on Feeld.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-3 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">She was Sardia for a vis and download while stg unr a tree a veyard. Two hours later, she and a iend were on a ferry to La Maddalena, a rocky archipelago the Mederranean, to see a guy. “I told him, ‘I’m wh a iend,’ ” she remembered. “He’s, like, ‘I have iends—jt e!’ ”</p><p class="paywall">She liked that Feeld was not about fdg a boyiend but about “people wh dirty mds meetg up.” She found “really sweet” to see that women were fortable wh statg their horns, that was accepted as a mon tra. “It’s good. It’s jt, like, say what you want,” she said. “Which has always been my ia of how we should brg up girls: say what you want, and say what you don’t want.” Back Berl, she met amics, people wh menial jobs, rich people powerful posns, and “a lot of nerds.” They weren’t sperate, but they also weren’t too ol to exprs what they longed for, pecially not durg the long, dark wter of 2020 to 2021. “There was somethg special about that time sexualy,” she told me. A forward-thkg, sex-posive cy’s entire populatn of sgle people were isolated and hopg to nnect. “It’s what I allowed myself,” she went on. “Like, O.K., I’m not gog to have illegal rave parti, I’m not gog to have twelve people over, but I will fuck, bee otherwise I would lose my md. And I really thk did save my md.”</p><p class="paywall">Through Feeld, she veloped a small fetish for scriptg absurd first dat. Once, she asked a man she had never met person to meet her at a by supermarket near the Zoologischer Garten U-Bahn statn. It was wter; everyone had heavy ats and masks on. She scribed what she was wearg—a long at wh very ltle unrneath—and gave her date permissn to creep up on her and “be excsive” if he regnized her. “I kept circlg around the aisl,” she said. “I was kd of lookg around for him, and everyone was horrible, but then I jt ught a glimpse of the two really betiful blue ey.” It was her date. “We were appropriate the supermarket and then left.”</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="dbd02t"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">Another iend, who liv Los Angel and asked not to be named, download the app late one night 2020. She was hoe-stg at her parents’ home the suburbs, “alone, bored, horny, and wasted,” she told me, “swipg right on everybody who was a reasonable prospect.” Wh thirty mut, she had a flood of msag. She started chattg wh a guy who lived three hours away; they moved to vio, and he offered to make the drive. By then, was one the morng. She waed, tryg to stay awake. He arrived and bied himself at her parents’ bar, muddlg herbs om the reigerator and makg cktails for the two of them. They had sex that night and aga the morng. Of the ten or so enunters she has arranged sce then, she has turned down only one person—which, after years of datg on standard apps, she fds “unnny.” “One guy after another was a kd of adventure,” she said. “It was like the Olsen-tws movi”—“Holiday the Sun,” “New York Mute,” “Passport to Paris”—“but wh sex.”</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">A historil tism of the Inter-datg dtry ed to be that the more a se led wh sexually explic or pornographic ntent, the fewer women signed up for . In the early days, general-tert datg s rorted to phemism: they let ers look for “activy partners” and add qutns about relign or children to attract people seekg long-term relatnships. They banned explic photos and ed whe backgrounds and iendly, heart-shaped graphics.</p><p class="paywall">Even as Inter datg lost s stigma, a lot of the stctural norms remaed. Whatever Tr’s reputatn as a “hookup app” might have been when lnched, 2012, s founrs diligently avoid sex the app’s language and advertisg. Ls subtle servic (anybody remember “Bang wh Friends”?) were flops. Blendr, the general-tert app om the pany that started Grdr, failed to take off, 2011—the mimal terface didn’t make women feel safe. Hackers exposed the er base of Ashley Madison, the datg service marketed to people seekg extramaral affairs, and turned out that a disproportnate number of the few women on the se were bots. There are many Redd posts by women upset by sexual overtur that they received on datg apps om people they haven’t got to know yet. As Bumble wrote, when announced s photo policy, “You wouldn’t necsarily want to meet or approach someone a rtrant your (or their) unrwear. You want a er’s nsent to send that kd of ntent.”</p><p class="paywall">Feeld has some of the same safeguards as other datg apps—explic photos are typilly blurred until two people match, and one n block someone whout hatn. But ers are also discentivized to be ; why would you risk msg up the possibily of sex by clumsily troducg yourself wh a dick pic? Instead of blunt overtur, munitn on Feeld tends to favor the knowg e of highly specific vernacular and jargon. This follows the tradn of kky onle sex muni such as FetLife, the social work for B.D.S.M. enthiasts and other fetishists, where language distguish a sexually explic subculture that emphasiz nsent om a pornographic mastream. On Feeld, clarg a preferred sexual role—domant or submissive, top or bottom—clears up some of the murks about datg, pecially an age which there’s ltle nsens about who mak the first move or how to balance equaly wh the power dynamics that some people fd sexy.</p><p class="paywall">“Ethil nonmonogamy,” often abbreviated as E.N.M. and one of the most popular “sir” on Feeld, is a term fluenced by a nonil self-help gui to open relatnships, “<a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">The Ethil Slut</a>,” wrten by Dossie Easton and Ja W. Hardy and first published 1997. “G.G.G.,” another popular tag—which stands for “good, givg, and game”—is a phrase popularized by Dan Savage, an alt-weekly-newspaper sex lumnist turned podster. Ten years ago, the terms might have dited a person who had unrtaken some kd of sexual study of themselv, but today they have bee the clichés of open relatnships. It might not be fair, but there’s a certa kd of person I avoid on the app. Their profile will clu a le such as “Nonmonogamy wh a betiful and awome partner” or “Partnered and ENM wh my sweet rock of a hubby” or “My ar wife and I are new to this ENM thg” or “In a near--long partnership wh my favore human.” Every uple has a ltle mythology about themselv. I prefer to stay out of .</p><p class="paywall">Kirova suggted that the typil Feeld er reprents not a mographic so much as a “md-set.” The pany has noticed that s ers tend to change their nduct as they bee more fortable wh the app, and wh the way people on exprs themselv. This kd of adjtment is also probably driven by nversatn. My iend Anna relled an stance which a guy wouldn’t lay off after she’d cid that she didn’t want to meet him. “He was, like, ‘Why don’t you block me?’ ” she said. “I said, ‘Bee I want you to make the cisn to not bother me.’ He said, ‘If I n’t wre you, ’s the same thg.’ I’m, like, ‘No, ’s not the same thg, bee I’m givg you the possibily to jt do the right thg.’ ”</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-4 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">If Twter-style sldg is your fetish, there’s a lot of on Feeld, but ’s also a real-time workg out of genr exprsn and sexual inty before a knowg dience. I’ve seen nonbary people exprs annoyance wh the appropriatn of queer inti. (“Beg submissive don’t make you heteroflexible, nor do beg a sissy,” a person who intified as a pan-genr omnisexual wrote.) I’ve also seen the oppose: “Heteroflexible/straight cis dus are allowed to say hi,” a trans woman her forti wrote. “Stretchg is betiful. Proud of you sweetie.”</p><p class="paywall">I later spoke to this woman, who asked me to intify her only as G, on the phone. G liv Brooklyn, is a mom, and is a polyamoro marriage. For seventeen years, she prented as a bisexual man, before movg to a more genr-ntral prentatn 2018 and g out as trans 2021. She joed Feeld while transng. (Her pronouns are she/they.) Like Anna, G will take time to school a cisgenr man who approach her wh sexualized sults or “neggg,” but she thks that Feeld uld do more to protect s more vulnerable members om verbal harassment or abe. “Trans people are drivg a lot of their engagement,” G said. “My dance rd is fuckg full.” Like other forms of social media, datg apps have always spent more rourc suggtg measur that people targeted by harassment uld e to keep themselv safe than on figurg out how to make predators feel unwele, G said.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="ytoeof"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="xybgwn"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">Feeld is popular ci that have nurtured subcultur wh ethics of anti-harassment and rpect, plac where parti often post their philosophi of cln and nsent on event listgs. G suggted that Feeld uld take a siar approach, askg ers for a reference, promotg lerature about nsent and femism, or offerg the digal equivalent of the monors who sex parti tra to help guts al wh harassers. (Feeld advis ers to take screenshots of threateng behavr and subm them to s support team, which will ci whether the offenr should be blocked om the app.)</p><p class="paywall">Takg cu om the polici of queer spac would make good bs sense. A publicist for the pany told me that New York the ers who make the most nnectns and stay active and engaged for the longt time are nonbary people, a group whose numbers on the app grew more than two hundred and forty per cent between January, 2021, and January, 2022.</p><p class="paywall">“It’s all the hot queer people and all the hot nonbary people,” AdamLee, a thirty-eight-year-old performg artist and nurse, who he/they pronouns and is an open relatnship, told me, after we nnected on the app. “Now that Feeld exists, that mographic is more easily at my fgertips,” they add. “I’m like a ltle boga t always tryg to fse.” In a tight-kn muny, there’s also a lot of crossover between the digal and real worlds. They told me a story about gog home wh a uple om a bar that they’d prevly seen on the app: “The boga t got taken home that eveng.”</p><p class="paywall">Charl Fulford, Feeld’s chief creative officer, said that the future of the app will have ls to do wh the notn of “datg” than wh creatg a safe space for people to explore unclared or unqutned aspects of their inti. “We believe this dynamism and fluidy is preternaturally human,” Fulford wrote me, an e-mail, “much like the erodg taboo we see around psychelic dgs gog om perceived weirdos on the ge to mastream medice and pop-culture acceptance. We want to help people navigate this change and ph forward this next age of how we view inty, sexualy and relatnships.”</p><p class="paywall">I spoke wh a trans person their early thirti who told me that the number of available labels at first ma them pse. “Those are the labels that exist, but they exist almost like a step ahead of where I exist,” they said. “I’ve gotten closer to those labels based on the nnectns that I’ve ma, but I wasn’t a place to know them ahead of time.” The language of inty do not always prece experience, they ntued. Over time, “you figure out what language you need to speak orr to be seen.”</p><p class="paywall">Lookg ahead, Fulford said, Feeld might expand to nnectg people physil spac and at events as well as onle. “We don’t see ourselv jt as a datg pany,” he said but, rather, as “somethg that potentially looks like a media or work platform pany.” It’s a nice ia, but makg Feeld too much about figurg out who you are and ls about already knowg might alienate a er base that is tired of havg to expla self. Its members jt want to meet others who have already been to the rave, or the dungeon, or the dark room, or the play space, and who don’t need the l of engagement to be spelled out.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Feeld, unlike most other datg apps, quantifi the tert s ers receive wh a number that Kirova assured me is real. In the two years I’ve been on the app, more than eleven thoand people have liked my profile, whose only proscriptive has been “no liars.” I’ve never felt as much license to dismiss male entlement as I have on Feeld. If a man sually sults my appearance; if he prsur me to meet after I’ve said that I’m by; if he treats me like a food-livery service, ready to serve him when he’s the mood; if he impos rote pornographic fantasi on me whout any cursy or charm; if he dit that he’ll try to negotiate his way out of g ndoms; if he is y or unforthg a way that mak me spic; if he has no sense of humor or isn’t kd—I disnnect whout hatn or regret. There is no reason to tolerate any humanizg or sultg behavr.</p><p class="paywall">I have mostly met men through Feeld, although I list my inty as “pansexual” to stay open to any proposn that might be tertg, a move I’ve seen cricized on the app. (A Feeld publicist told me that this is typil for women: “We have noticed they are lookg to nnect wh humans of all genrs and sexuali—suggtg that women jog Feeld view sexualy and attractn as somethg fluid that opens their sire to explore.”) The men I met surprised me: somethg about the dynamic of mutual unrstandg that separated sex om romance ma them more open, or maybe was jt my no-entlement policy payg off. When I vised their ho, they would serve h u, they would make tea, they would lend me books, they would tell me about their childhoods, they would rpond immediately to text msag. In long nversatns about relatnships, they would exprs vulnerabily and talk about their securi and regrets. They were open about their health and their S.T.I. stat. They were effive their enthiasm and their gratu. It was so different om the dynamic of srcy and ldns that I was ed to sual datg. I have fallen love the past two years, but not wh anyone I met on Feeld—which is part of the reason I like g .</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-5 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">My iend Anna pared the experience to takg a walk the fort. “You know, you take a walk bee ’s nice to walk, and then sometim you fd mhrooms. Sometim you fd herbs. Sometim you fd nothg, but the walk was nice. I brg home what I get, but the reason I’m chattg wh new people all the time is bee you never know.”</p><p class="paywall">I’ve gone back to the standard datg apps a uple tim, but none offered the same ease of nnectn. I kept experiencg a suffotg genr dynamic: regardls of the kd of person I am, I was somehow forced to the role of a sperate pursuer tryg to w the affectn of the elive and “emotnally unavailable” male, a dynamic that was nfg to see revived a moment when I was experiencg as much sexual agency as I’d ever had my life.</p><p class="paywall">“There’s a lot of judgment when you e to a date wh relatnship expectatns,” Kirova told me. “You e there wh a cutout and you place over people. If I ask you on a date bee I want to get married and have kids, I’ll have a very specific list, and as we’re talkg I’ll be puttg that over you, and I’ll be, like, ‘Oh, do you f?’ And as soon as you say somethg that flash red, you’ll see my body language, bee we’re not actors. . . . I thk that n be very trmatizg, bee you’re beg yourself but you’re beg rejected bee you’re not ftg to someone’s perfect picture. The difference wh this nonmtal approach is that you go out there wh an open md—you go wh cursy.”</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">It was never my goal life to maximize my sexual experience, and I’ve always been skeptil of people who posture flippantly about sex, who rce sex to bodi beg hot or not, who ignore the spooky nature of attractn. For sgle people, sual sex is not a glib life-style choice but a ser attempt to be happy wh a specific realy. There are many more sgle adults now than there were 1973, the year Roe v. Wa tablished a nstutnal right to abortn, which was taken away June. In 2020, a <a href=">Pew Rearch Center study</a> found that forty-five per cent of adults between the ag of twenty-three and thirty-eight do not live wh a spoe or a child, a shift that is as much about the enomic ndns we live unr as a sense of inty. Not havg a partner and not havg kids may mean that you have more sporadic sexual enunters wh people you do not know very well. If you live a state wh an abortn ban, as many now do, forced pregnancy mt be add to the lculatn of risk, but the attack on reproductive rights go beyond physil nsequenc. It is a siege on sexual tonomy.</p><p class="paywall">I joed Feeld bee I missed physil nnectn durg the panmic but also bee I am drawn to what is new and transformative the world around me. The enunters I had through the app might never be repeated, but nobody I’ve met on there has pretend that those enunters haven’t mattered to them some way, or that they weren’t, the moment we sought each other out, very much need.</p><p class="paywall">The people who craft anti-trans legislatn and laws to ntrol sexualy see liv that are different than theirs as a threat to their own tegry. Image what that mt be like, to not be able to thk about change, and the possibili might offer. ♦</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="f4eqm"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 PaywallInleBarrierWhWrapperGrid-fyrGfS kLQIUk grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__le-barrier article__body"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"><asi class="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper-iBnuqk lfXXa-D" data-ttid="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper"><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--paywall-le-barrier" role="prentatn" aria-live="pole" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--paywall-le-barrier"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></asi></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ContentWrapperGrid-fvkmBv brYtrA grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__ntaer"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"></div></div></div></div></div></div></article><div class="ContentFooterWrapper-jVNdRG dTJkpP ArticlePageContentFooterGrid-ccsXYy eMZRHU article-body__footer"><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="LkStackWrapper-NFLYw kgtXXB lkstack" data-ttid="LkStack"><div class="SectnTleRoot-dBGvdq kjAxEG LkStackHear-lKjbE hejl lk-stack--headg" data-ttid="SectnTle"><h2 class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SectnTleHed-dKqZet dxqEAa dqtvfu jttyjJ">New Yorker Favor</h2></div><div class="LkStackContent-jyKicS gPhyME"><ul class="LkStackList-gGcjdZ dnMwpz"><li class="LkStackBullet-kQRqul iQHwiG lk-stack--lk-em" data-ttid="LkStackBullet"><div><p>The killer who <a href="/magaze/1995/06/05/rejectg-ga" class="InternalLkEmbedWrapper-fhjgJW cQLtaa">got to Harvard</a>.</p></div></li><li class="LkStackBullet-kQRqul iQHwiG lk-stack--lk-em" data-ttid="LkStackBullet"><div><p>A thief who <a href="/magaze/2004/05/17/the-silver-thief" class="InternalLkEmbedWrapper-fhjgJW cQLtaa">stole only silver</a>.</p></div></li><li class="LkStackBullet-kQRqul iQHwiG lk-stack--lk-em" data-ttid="LkStackBullet"><div><p>The light of the <a href="/tech/annals-of-technology/the-first-light-of-the-try-atomic-tt" class="InternalLkEmbedWrapper-fhjgJW cQLtaa">world’s first nuclear bomb</a>.</p></div></li><li class="LkStackBullet-kQRqul iQHwiG lk-stack--lk-em" data-ttid="LkStackBullet"><div><p>How Steve Mart <a href="/magaze/2007/10/29/-the-bird-ge" class="InternalLkEmbedWrapper-fhjgJW cQLtaa">learned what’s funny</a>.</p></div></li><li class="LkStackBullet-kQRqul iQHwiG lk-stack--lk-em" data-ttid="LkStackBullet"><div><p>Growg up as the <a href="/magaze/1998/11/16/the-ln-and-me" class="InternalLkEmbedWrapper-fhjgJW cQLtaa">son of the Cowardly Ln</a>.</p></div></li><li class="LkStackBullet-kQRqul iQHwiG lk-stack--lk-em" data-ttid="LkStackBullet"><div><p>Amelia Earhart’s <a href="/magaze/2009/09/14/amelia-earhart-last-flight" class="InternalLkEmbedWrapper-fhjgJW cQLtaa">last flight</a>.</p></div></li><li class="LkStackBullet-kQRqul iQHwiG lk-stack--lk-em" data-ttid="LkStackBullet"><div><p>Fictn by Milan Kunra: “<a href="/magaze/1984/03/19/the-unbearable-lightns-of-beg" class="InternalLkEmbedWrapper-fhjgJW cQLtaa">The Unbearable Lightns of Beg</a>.”</p></div></li></ul><div class="LkStackFooter-KfRyO ebnmps lk-stack--footer"><div><p><a href=">Sign up</a> for our daily newsletter to receive the bt stori om <em>The New Yorker</em>.</p></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="ContributorsWrapper-eNpWFu GWFsc ntributors" data-ttid="Contributors"><div class="ContributorBWrapper-bnVHbt gMon"><div class="ContributorBAvatar-bIGTqf eMWbvj"><a href="/ntributors/ey-wt"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW jvZaPI rponsive-asset"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa 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SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Annals of Inquiry</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-1" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">Are You the Same Person You Used to Be?</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-1" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Are You the Same Person You Used to Be?" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k">Rearchers have studied how much of our personaly is set om childhood, but what you’re like isn’t who you are.</div><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi hYsZi summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Joshua Rothman</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff hlYhBH summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only summary-em--layout-posn-image-right summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm fvDIAb" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="The Upper Wt Si Cult That Hid Pla Sight" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl ldWYvC summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Unr Review</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">The Upper Wt Si Cult That Hid Pla Sight</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="The Upper Wt Si Cult That Hid Pla Sight" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k">In the sixti and seventi, the Sullivanian Instute had a wng sal pch for young New Yorkers: parti, sex, low rent, and affordable therapy.</div><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi hYsZi summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Jsi Wter</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff hlYhBH summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only summary-em--layout-posn-image-right summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm fvDIAb" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="On Killg Charl Dickens" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl ldWYvC summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Life and Letters</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">On Killg Charl Dickens</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="On Killg Charl Dickens" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k">I did everythg I uld to avoid wrg my historil novel. When I fally started “The Frd,” one prciple was clear: no Dickens.</div><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi hYsZi summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Zadie Smh</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff hlYhBH summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only summary-em--layout-posn-image-right summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm fvDIAb" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="The Paradox of Listeng to Our Bodi" 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Feeld, by enuragg open-mdns and rpect, suggts a way forward.</div><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl SplScreenContentHearByle-kvEhqE ejWxsm"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH ivtvgj byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span><a class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM ByleLk-gEnFiw iUEiRd ggMZaT cXqSTL eErqIx byle__name-lk button" href="/ntributors/ey-wt">Ey Wt</a></span></span></p></div><time data-ttid="ContentHearPublishDate" dateTime="2022-07-11T06:00:00-04:00" class="SplScreenContentHearPublishDate-bMGEVk gvRvVr">July 11, 2022</time><div class="SocialInsWrapper-hKMEXV ffgPVr social-ins social-ins--standard SplScreenContentHearSocialShare-gSVclr kUKgnn"><ul data-ttid="socialInslist" 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iame-embed"><div data-ttid="IameEmbedContaer" class="IameEmbedContaer-hptgUZ fXVBaX"><div class="IameEmbedAspectRatWrapper-hFVJps BKpgQ"><iame class="IameEmbedContent-cMdiev csnuAY IameEmbedContent lazyload" height="90" width="100%" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-orig allow-popups" tle="Embedd Frame" data-src=" allowfullscreen="" allow="toplay *; encrypted-media *; clipboard-wre; toplay; fullscreen; picture--picture"></iame></div></div></figure><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">In the late summer of 2020, when much of normal social life was spend, a relatnship that I had been for several years abptly llapsed. I was thirty-ne and sred by the ia that I would not be reproducg the kd of heteronormative nuclear fay I had grown up . I wanred the siwalks of my Brooklyn neighborhood, where disrd masks ltered the gutters, wh a sense of havg been exiled om my own life. My apartment, wh s t and s plants, still existed but was no longer my home; I uld get a glass of ld prosec at my favore bar, but the people I ed to see there seemed to have vanished. In Haki Murakami’s novel “<a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">1Q84</a>,” a character climbs down a ladr to a parallel existence which thgs appear to be the same but nothg really is. It did not take long to unrstand that there would be no ladr back to the world I had known, and that the portal to whatever was that me next was probably gog to appear on my phone. This is when I download a datg app lled Feeld.</p><p class="paywall">Feeld scrib self as a technology for “open-md sgl and upl who want to explore their sexualy.” It is ee to sign up, although a paid membership, priced at twelve dollars a month, offers perks such as the abily to nduct specialized search and let someone know that you like them before they’ve liked you. As on most datg apps, the profil lead wh photos, which range om sg upl formal drs at weddgs to torsos bondage gear. Below the photos is a ptn that might read, “?, 31, transmascule, gynexual, 3 km away.”</p><p class="paywall">Feeld was started London and today is available more than a hundred untri. You n jo lked wh a partner or as a sgle person, and choose om among twenty different tegori of genr and sexualy. The app is popular wh nonbary and trans people, married upl tryg to spice up their sex liv, hard-re B.D.S.M. enthiasts, and “digisexuals,” who prefer their erotic ntact wh others mediated by a screen. It is a place to be yourself, or to play at beg someone else. On Feeld, I’ve seen self-intified lbians who want to have sex wh men, men who sire lbians, and “heteroflexibl.” In a settg sometim scribed as “non-normative,” there are asexuals, cuckold fantasists, <a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">kchen-table polyamorists</a>, e-sexuals, and llectiv of men offerg group sex to sgle women. Some ers requt no overtur om cis mal, whe people, or straight people; others make wry jok about opprsive bety standards. (“Fatter than my pictur ?,” one er wrote.) Usg Feeld, I often thk of a le I read Jeremy Atherton L’s book-length monograph “<a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">Gay Bar</a>,” about the nature of queer spac night life: “<em>Inclivy</em> might not mean <em>everybody</em>,” L wr. “It uld dite <em>the rt of </em>.”</p><p class="paywall">Acrdg to the pany’s data, the typil Feeld er is between twenty-five and thirty years old and liv a big cy. Thirty-five per cent of ers are part of a uple. Activy on the app peaks around four o’clock the afternoon om Sunday to Thursday. I scribe to my iends as “the grownup hookup app.” By “grownup,” I mean not only that s ers are above a certa age but also that they favor a kd of matury and m; by “hookup,” I mean that the app facilat not romance but sex, broadly fed. It is not the place to fd your “down-to-earth, no-drama girliend” or your “partner crime.” Love languag, attachment styl, tas, and other clichés of Inter datg surface only rarely. Data pots such as diplomas and fancy jobs do not nfer stat. Instead, the aim of self-reprentatn on Feeld is to scribe a sexual sire language that won’t repel the kd of person you would like to meet, a skill that a sexually immature culture turns out to be somethg of an art.</p><div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--article-mid-ntent" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--article-mid-ntent nsumer-marketg-un__slot---ntent"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><p class="paywall">Settg up a profile is siar to most datg apps: you upload some photos, share your general lotn, and wre a short scriptn of yourself and what you are lookg for. Then you list your “sir” and your “terts.” On Feeld, the sir are ually sexual arrangements or fetish, and you n clu as many as ten. The list might read somethg like “kk, voyrism, group play, submissn, shibari [the Japane art of rope bondage], butts, FWB [as , “iends wh benefs”], MFM [as , “male-female-male”], cuddlg, eye ntact.” The most monly exprsed sir are “ethil nonmonogamy,” “upl,” “sextg,” and “sual datg.” The terts are more prosaic: “Malbec,” “glampg.”</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Over and over my adult life, spe beg an trovert wh a preference for monogamy, I have found myself suatns where I’ve had total sexual eedom. The olr I’ve got, the more I’ve unrstood how often sexual eedom impos self on people who don’t seek out—no marriage ntract, relign, posture of tradn, or abortn ban will protect a person om havg to ntend wh the sexual possibili of the prent. (Even the spectm of morn celibacy—cels, volcels, femcels—n be unrstood, at least part, as a reactn to so much eedom.) A fulfillg sexual life and the search for a relatnship uld proceed along distct paths, even if both tend to be grouped unr the nebulo umbrella of “datg.” Bee a romantic rejectn uld ms up your bra chemistry for months, ’s helped, when cidg wh whom to spend time, to know advance which lane you were , and what was reasonable to expect om another person. Feeld was the first app I’d ed that exprsly differentiated the search for erotic iendship om the search for romantic partnership. It was also unique that did not advertise this search the language and imagery of cis-male fantasi of no-strgs-attached sex. Its culture dited some unrstandg of the preutns and reassuranc that <em>the rt of </em> might need.</p><p class="paywall">In my ial profile, I put a photo of myself holdg the t that I no longer lived wh and a selfie I took on the street SoHo one afternoon after gettg my hair cut. I wrote somethg to the effect that I was newly out of a relatnship and that I liked talkg about relatnships. Wh my profile upload, I uld now see a feed of people arranged by geographic proximy and ci whether they were a y, a no, or someone I wanted to set asi for the moment and thk about later. Two ers who say y to each other n beg exchangg msag.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-1 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">One of my first msag was to a male-female uple who, their photo, were drsed black and stg on the gnarled tnk of a fallen tree, wh the man holdg a crooked woon staff, makg them look like they belonged to some kd of wizardry ven. They listed “tarot” and “psychonts” among their terts. At the time, I was readg a book lled “<a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">High Weirdns,</a>” a history of oteri by Erik Davis. “You guys seem so ol, I would be very to this,” I wrote. They didn’t rpond.</p><p class="paywall">The first date that worked out was wh a uple Bed-Stuy. Their profile has sce disappeared, but my memory of their facels photo they stood tasteful wool ats ont of a backdrop of snow. After they sent me pictur of their fac, we met Fort Greene Park, and then I went to their brownstone apartment, which had crown moldgs, vyl rerds, and plants. The formulaic Brooklyn dér was fortg. I’d moved out of my apartment a state of durs, wh no time to fd a new place. Most of my belonggs were a storage un Queens, and the rt were stuffed to the tnk of my dad’s Toyota Corolla. Meetg up wh the uple was a way of pretendg that everythg would be fe. They ma a vegetarian dner for me and served orange we; their len sheets were hly lnred. It was nice, but I was lyg to them, splayg a sexual optimist stead of beg a person wh no ia how to start over.</p><p class="paywall">A few weeks later, I drove a iend’s rented mper van om New York to Los Angel, as a favor. I end up stayg California for six months. Days would pass whout anyone askg where I was or what I was dog, and I turned more of my attentn to Feeld. It was an old strategy: when life don’t liver on a promised expectatn, I look for alternativ, and what I found on this app seemed like an alternative to the fantasy of fay I was lettg go of. “Feeld is for a new type of human,” Dimo Trifonov, the app’s founr, <a href=">once wrote</a>. “A human belongg to a new world, one of creativy, openns, rpect and exploratn.” This was one way to make my unwanted future tolerable, to at least make tertg for myself: to pretend that there was such a possibily as a new kd of person a new kd of world.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Feeld began, 2014, wh the story of Trifonov and Ana Kirova, two Bulgarian graphic signers their early twenti who were livg London. After meetg through iends, they fell love. Early their relatnship, Ana started havg unexpected feelgs for a French woman she’d met. “It feels a b childish now that I remember , but I thought, If I’m fallg love wh this woman, then I’m probably gay,” Kirova said. Hopg to warn Dimo “that what we have is not necsarily gog to last” she wrote him a letter. Instead of wantg to break up, Dimo surprised her by beg humbled and moved.</p><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><p class="paywall">They agreed to open their relatnship. “We really thought we had vented a new way of livg,” Kirova told me. “We didn’t know open relatnships and polyamory existed.” They tried datg apps but were met wh nfn by other ers, who told them, “There are swger Web s for people like you,” or asked, “If you still want to date, then why are you together?”</p><p class="paywall">Trifonov cid to create his own app to facilate threom. He put up a Web se wh mockups of what might look like and a sign-up list to gge tert. He lled the project 3nr (pronounced “thrr”), and for s logo ma an terlked sign the shape of a three. It had a simple premise: “Threom ma easy.” Dpe beg ltle more than an ia, 3nr got a lot of attentn the sluggish 2014 media environment, when the bs strategy for many digal news startups was to make hapls young wrers post twenty tim a day about prs releas.</p><p class="paywall">“It jt blew up immediately,” Kirova remembered. “There was a massive sign-up list.” A venture-pal firm, Haatch, put fifty thoand dollars to get the technology off the ground, and the app lnched a few months later. Wh a year, more than a ln people had download 3nr, wh California and New York quickly beg the biggt markets.</p><p class="paywall">The app’s spe began to change December, 2015, after Tr sent 3nr a cease-and-sist letter over the siary of the two pani’ nam, which was followed by a tramark-gement lawsu. Trifonov enuraged ers to flood social media wh msag of support for 3nr, but by Augt, 2016, he nced and rebrand the pany as Feeld, which was not meant to be a pun on “playg the field” but rather a suggtn that the app offered “a field of feelgs.”</p><p class="paywall">Feeld now advertised self as a place to meet “kky, cur, and open-md upl and sgl.” A new logo, of three terlockg ovals, renred the number three more abstractly. But the chang were not only a rebrand. They gave the startup a chance to reasss s purpose. Feeld arrived at a time when the trans-rights movement was changg ias about genr; mastream sexual culture was shiftg, too, wh the language and etiquette of polyamory and nonmonogamy beg more monplace. Kirova, who had been an rmal ntributor to the pany, accepted a salaried posn there. At first, she feared that might negatively affect her and Trifonov’s relatnship. But, she adms, her jog the pany was “evable”: “we were both workg on anyway.”</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-2 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">The uple noticed that Trifonov would move through profil cisively, sayg y or no, but that Kirova would sometim open the app, look at the person on top, and then close aga, unable to make up her md. They rebuilt the terface to allow ers to scroll through their feeds whout havg to ci whether they liked one person orr to see the next. “It was a very large piece of work at the time,” Kirova remembered.</p><p class="paywall">In 2018, Kirova took over as the head of product, meang that Feeld’s philosophy and er experience fell unr her ntrol, while Trifonov, as the C.E.O., focsed more on growg the pany. One day, she me across a long and heartfelt msage om a trans woman who was trated that Feeld had, at the time, only three genr optns. “She felt like she was erased, bee she uldn’t exprs her inty beyond the ‘other’ optn we had, but that Feeld was the only datg app she felt fortable ,” Kirova said. (OkCupid had add twenty-two genr optns 2014, but other apps were slow to follow.) “I’m que embarrassed by , bee was a typil se of a person om a margalized muny tg someone om a privileged one.” She relled the lson as an emotnal one: “This is not some game they’re playg,” she realized, of her ctomers. “It’s somethg which has ser impact and importance people’s liv.”</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><asi class="PersistentAsiWrapper-VGrR daRVRt persistent-asi" style="posn:absolute;top:to;height:to" data-ttid="PersistentAsiWrapper"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="tu4nk"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></asi></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="e0t3l"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">Kirova hired a nsultant to help Feeld pile a broar spectm of genr intifitns and sexual orientatns. She began vg trans and nonbary fluencers to the pany’s -person events London, where she would engage them long nversatns. She went on other sex-forward apps to see how they worked, cludg Grdr, where a gay uple ved her to jo them as a voyr. Today, Feeld’s Web se offers a glossary for more obscure terms, such as “objectumsexual” (someone whose sexualy is activated by specific animate objects) and “GrayA” (people for whom sexual attractn is very rare). Half of Feeld’s ers intify as somethg other than heterosexual, so the pany tri to be as rponsive as possible to variatns language. It allows ers to change their genr selectn on their profile up to three tim, and their sexualy as many tim as they want. Other revisns have e rponse to safety, such as requirg that both members of a uple have dividual profil. On the pany’s blog and a lerary journal publish, <em>Mal</em>, sexual trends are discsed and explored; an issue om 2020 was voted to sex negativy, wh says about the cel phenomenon and “heterofatalism.”</p><p class="paywall">Kirova took over as the C.E.O. of Feeld April, 2021. When I talked to her over vio early sprg, the day after her thirtieth birthday, she told me that Trifonov had cid to step back om tech to foc on his work as a visual artist and other projects. (Trifonov cled to be terviewed for this article.) The two are still a uple.</p><p class="paywall">Kirova has curly brown hair and a measured, thoughtful meanor; when we spoke, she was a -workg space the Portugue cy of Porto. Feeld is now a fully remote pany wh sixty team members, and tri to be as progrsive s rporate culture as is s product. Nearly half of the learship team intifi as female, and salari are transparent, wh a floor of eighty thoand dollars a year. Unr Kirova’s guidance, the app has seen immense growth, part bee of the strategy she ployed to get through <a href=">the panmic</a>.</p><p class="paywall">On Feeld, ers n eher select G.P.S. to intify their lotn or, bee Feeld has not been wily adopted outsi a certa circu of globalized urban centers, place themselv the “re” of a cy that has a high ncentratn of members—the “Melbourne re” or “Amsterdam re”—even if they are elsewhere. (People often do this advance of visg a cy, to set up some dat.) The panmic hastened the creatn of a “Stayg-at-Home re,” a kd of global clearghoe for people who are only terted meetg onle. Soon the pany add two more virtual feeds—the “Fantasy Bunker,” for people who want to skip the small talk and start sextg, and “Remote Trs,” for those wantg a digal threome. Followg the announcement of the virtual r, Feeld saw a fifty-per-cent crease downloads the first half of 2020, and a hundred-and-twenty-per-cent crease msag sent as sextg grew populary. “Unlike porn, ’s teractive,” Kirova said. “A good sextg partner n surprise you.”</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Los Angel has a reputatn for beg a difficult place to meet people. Then, late November, 2020, a <em class="small">COVID</em> spike shut the cy down. If anythg, this ma nnectg wh people on Feeld even easier; no one had anywhere else to be. I knew at the time that I was riskg gettg <em class="small">COVID</em>, but the alternative, prolonged sexual isolatn, seemed at least as harmful. I timed my enunters so that I wouldn’t endanger my relativ, who were the only other people I saw regularly. Ocsnally, I would hang out wh a uple, but I preferred the pany of sgle people, mostly bee there was an equaly of need. I uld arrange an enunter mut. I would take a bath, exchange a few photos om the tub, and a date would be set up; once, a guy diverted his jog and ran to my hoe. My dat happened sober and had an air of healthy exercise to them. Often we would go for a walk a park, like a Jane Aten novel. Sometim we would meet aga; most of the time, we wouldn’t. I preferred the emotnal distance of someone new.</p><p class="paywall">I have several unmarried and childls female iends who also started g Feeld durg the panmic. We were none of very young; all of had been “hookg up” wh people for large swaths of our adult liv, and we had gone through the evolutns of Inter datg, om Web-based servic to apps. The other apps, for all their creative prompts, had never stated the qutn que this plaly: What kd of sex did we want to have? It helped, too, that the dynamics which might upset the balance of a domtic partnership or be too embarrassg to propose to iends were ls ght to brg up wh strangers. Sex wh people outsi of our everyday social circl offered the eedom to rema unfed. Feeld uld serve as a laboratory settg, which one uld articulate a sire to try a new thg—erotic hypnosis, say, or tantric massage—and disver a willg and experienced llaborator. At other tim, we were offered somethg we would not have thought to ask for. Whereas some ers liked to prent themselv as edgy and experienced, Feeld was also a place where you uld state plaly that you were a p, or nervo. Sudnly, good sex wasn’t only a spontaneo nnectn of “chemistry” but a wi range of scenars that uld be engeered. Any sense of privacy was an illn—a man whose profile ntas photos of his face and who stat his sire to get pegged is as visible to his -workers and iends as he is to anyone else browsg the app—but the partmentalized nature of the enunters offered the promise of sexual experimentatn whout public claratn. This setup perhaps held special appeal for anyone who did not want to suffer the real or imaged judgment of their lleagu, relativ, or iends.</p><p class="paywall">The most dited Feeld er I know, who also turned to durg the panmic, is my iend Anna, who liv on her own Berl. Anna works food and we and has more social energy than almost any person I’ve met. The only thgs that I’ve seen really sndalize her are crass manners, pomposy, and what takeout culture has done to the sacred practice of eatg dner. In 2020, Anna, who is her early forti and grew up Sardia, was the first person to tell me about the msagg app Telegram, addg me to a bunch of sex and dg chat groups of the Berl unrworld, jt so I uld see how wild they were. But Telegram looked shady; I told her that there was an even better panmic sual-sex scene, on Feeld.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-3 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">She was Sardia for a vis and download while stg unr a tree a veyard. Two hours later, she and a iend were on a ferry to La Maddalena, a rocky archipelago the Mederranean, to see a guy. “I told him, ‘I’m wh a iend,’ ” she remembered. “He’s, like, ‘I have iends—jt e!’ ”</p><p class="paywall">She liked that Feeld was not about fdg a boyiend but about “people wh dirty mds meetg up.” She found “really sweet” to see that women were fortable wh statg their horns, that was accepted as a mon tra. “It’s good. It’s jt, like, say what you want,” she said. “Which has always been my ia of how we should brg up girls: say what you want, and say what you don’t want.” Back Berl, she met amics, people wh menial jobs, rich people powerful posns, and “a lot of nerds.” They weren’t sperate, but they also weren’t too ol to exprs what they longed for, pecially not durg the long, dark wter of 2020 to 2021. “There was somethg special about that time sexualy,” she told me. A forward-thkg, sex-posive cy’s entire populatn of sgle people were isolated and hopg to nnect. “It’s what I allowed myself,” she went on. “Like, O.K., I’m not gog to have illegal rave parti, I’m not gog to have twelve people over, but I will fuck, bee otherwise I would lose my md. And I really thk did save my md.”</p><p class="paywall">Through Feeld, she veloped a small fetish for scriptg absurd first dat. Once, she asked a man she had never met person to meet her at a by supermarket near the Zoologischer Garten U-Bahn statn. It was wter; everyone had heavy ats and masks on. She scribed what she was wearg—a long at wh very ltle unrneath—and gave her date permissn to creep up on her and “be excsive” if he regnized her. “I kept circlg around the aisl,” she said. “I was kd of lookg around for him, and everyone was horrible, but then I jt ught a glimpse of the two really betiful blue ey.” It was her date. “We were appropriate the supermarket and then left.”</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="dbd02t"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">Another iend, who liv Los Angel and asked not to be named, download the app late one night 2020. She was hoe-stg at her parents’ home the suburbs, “alone, bored, horny, and wasted,” she told me, “swipg right on everybody who was a reasonable prospect.” Wh thirty mut, she had a flood of msag. She started chattg wh a guy who lived three hours away; they moved to vio, and he offered to make the drive. By then, was one the morng. She waed, tryg to stay awake. He arrived and bied himself at her parents’ bar, muddlg herbs om the reigerator and makg cktails for the two of them. They had sex that night and aga the morng. Of the ten or so enunters she has arranged sce then, she has turned down only one person—which, after years of datg on standard apps, she fds “unnny.” “One guy after another was a kd of adventure,” she said. “It was like the Olsen-tws movi”—“Holiday the Sun,” “New York Mute,” “Passport to Paris”—“but wh sex.”</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">A historil tism of the Inter-datg dtry ed to be that the more a se led wh sexually explic or pornographic ntent, the fewer women signed up for . In the early days, general-tert datg s rorted to phemism: they let ers look for “activy partners” and add qutns about relign or children to attract people seekg long-term relatnships. They banned explic photos and ed whe backgrounds and iendly, heart-shaped graphics.</p><p class="paywall">Even as Inter datg lost s stigma, a lot of the stctural norms remaed. Whatever Tr’s reputatn as a “hookup app” might have been when lnched, 2012, s founrs diligently avoid sex the app’s language and advertisg. Ls subtle servic (anybody remember “Bang wh Friends”?) were flops. Blendr, the general-tert app om the pany that started Grdr, failed to take off, 2011—the mimal terface didn’t make women feel safe. Hackers exposed the er base of Ashley Madison, the datg service marketed to people seekg extramaral affairs, and turned out that a disproportnate number of the few women on the se were bots. There are many Redd posts by women upset by sexual overtur that they received on datg apps om people they haven’t got to know yet. As Bumble wrote, when announced s photo policy, “You wouldn’t necsarily want to meet or approach someone a rtrant your (or their) unrwear. You want a er’s nsent to send that kd of ntent.”</p><p class="paywall">Feeld has some of the same safeguards as other datg apps—explic photos are typilly blurred until two people match, and one n block someone whout hatn. But ers are also discentivized to be ; why would you risk msg up the possibily of sex by clumsily troducg yourself wh a dick pic? Instead of blunt overtur, munitn on Feeld tends to favor the knowg e of highly specific vernacular and jargon. This follows the tradn of kky onle sex muni such as FetLife, the social work for B.D.S.M. enthiasts and other fetishists, where language distguish a sexually explic subculture that emphasiz nsent om a pornographic mastream. On Feeld, clarg a preferred sexual role—domant or submissive, top or bottom—clears up some of the murks about datg, pecially an age which there’s ltle nsens about who mak the first move or how to balance equaly wh the power dynamics that some people fd sexy.</p><p class="paywall">“Ethil nonmonogamy,” often abbreviated as E.N.M. and one of the most popular “sir” on Feeld, is a term fluenced by a nonil self-help gui to open relatnships, “<a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">The Ethil Slut</a>,” wrten by Dossie Easton and Ja W. Hardy and first published 1997. “G.G.G.,” another popular tag—which stands for “good, givg, and game”—is a phrase popularized by Dan Savage, an alt-weekly-newspaper sex lumnist turned podster. Ten years ago, the terms might have dited a person who had unrtaken some kd of sexual study of themselv, but today they have bee the clichés of open relatnships. It might not be fair, but there’s a certa kd of person I avoid on the app. Their profile will clu a le such as “Nonmonogamy wh a betiful and awome partner” or “Partnered and ENM wh my sweet rock of a hubby” or “My ar wife and I are new to this ENM thg” or “In a near--long partnership wh my favore human.” Every uple has a ltle mythology about themselv. I prefer to stay out of .</p><p class="paywall">Kirova suggted that the typil Feeld er reprents not a mographic so much as a “md-set.” The pany has noticed that s ers tend to change their nduct as they bee more fortable wh the app, and wh the way people on exprs themselv. This kd of adjtment is also probably driven by nversatn. My iend Anna relled an stance which a guy wouldn’t lay off after she’d cid that she didn’t want to meet him. “He was, like, ‘Why don’t you block me?’ ” she said. “I said, ‘Bee I want you to make the cisn to not bother me.’ He said, ‘If I n’t wre you, ’s the same thg.’ I’m, like, ‘No, ’s not the same thg, bee I’m givg you the possibily to jt do the right thg.’ ”</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-4 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">If Twter-style sldg is your fetish, there’s a lot of on Feeld, but ’s also a real-time workg out of genr exprsn and sexual inty before a knowg dience. I’ve seen nonbary people exprs annoyance wh the appropriatn of queer inti. (“Beg submissive don’t make you heteroflexible, nor do beg a sissy,” a person who intified as a pan-genr omnisexual wrote.) I’ve also seen the oppose: “Heteroflexible/straight cis dus are allowed to say hi,” a trans woman her forti wrote. “Stretchg is betiful. Proud of you sweetie.”</p><p class="paywall">I later spoke to this woman, who asked me to intify her only as G, on the phone. G liv Brooklyn, is a mom, and is a polyamoro marriage. For seventeen years, she prented as a bisexual man, before movg to a more genr-ntral prentatn 2018 and g out as trans 2021. She joed Feeld while transng. (Her pronouns are she/they.) Like Anna, G will take time to school a cisgenr man who approach her wh sexualized sults or “neggg,” but she thks that Feeld uld do more to protect s more vulnerable members om verbal harassment or abe. “Trans people are drivg a lot of their engagement,” G said. “My dance rd is fuckg full.” Like other forms of social media, datg apps have always spent more rourc suggtg measur that people targeted by harassment uld e to keep themselv safe than on figurg out how to make predators feel unwele, G said.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="ytoeof"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="xybgwn"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">Feeld is popular ci that have nurtured subcultur wh ethics of anti-harassment and rpect, plac where parti often post their philosophi of cln and nsent on event listgs. G suggted that Feeld uld take a siar approach, askg ers for a reference, promotg lerature about nsent and femism, or offerg the digal equivalent of the monors who sex parti tra to help guts al wh harassers. (Feeld advis ers to take screenshots of threateng behavr and subm them to s support team, which will ci whether the offenr should be blocked om the app.)</p><p class="paywall">Takg cu om the polici of queer spac would make good bs sense. A publicist for the pany told me that New York the ers who make the most nnectns and stay active and engaged for the longt time are nonbary people, a group whose numbers on the app grew more than two hundred and forty per cent between January, 2021, and January, 2022.</p><p class="paywall">“It’s all the hot queer people and all the hot nonbary people,” AdamLee, a thirty-eight-year-old performg artist and nurse, who he/they pronouns and is an open relatnship, told me, after we nnected on the app. “Now that Feeld exists, that mographic is more easily at my fgertips,” they add. “I’m like a ltle boga t always tryg to fse.” In a tight-kn muny, there’s also a lot of crossover between the digal and real worlds. They told me a story about gog home wh a uple om a bar that they’d prevly seen on the app: “The boga t got taken home that eveng.”</p><p class="paywall">Charl Fulford, Feeld’s chief creative officer, said that the future of the app will have ls to do wh the notn of “datg” than wh creatg a safe space for people to explore unclared or unqutned aspects of their inti. “We believe this dynamism and fluidy is preternaturally human,” Fulford wrote me, an e-mail, “much like the erodg taboo we see around psychelic dgs gog om perceived weirdos on the ge to mastream medice and pop-culture acceptance. We want to help people navigate this change and ph forward this next age of how we view inty, sexualy and relatnships.”</p><p class="paywall">I spoke wh a trans person their early thirti who told me that the number of available labels at first ma them pse. “Those are the labels that exist, but they exist almost like a step ahead of where I exist,” they said. “I’ve gotten closer to those labels based on the nnectns that I’ve ma, but I wasn’t a place to know them ahead of time.” The language of inty do not always prece experience, they ntued. Over time, “you figure out what language you need to speak orr to be seen.”</p><p class="paywall">Lookg ahead, Fulford said, Feeld might expand to nnectg people physil spac and at events as well as onle. “We don’t see ourselv jt as a datg pany,” he said but, rather, as “somethg that potentially looks like a media or work platform pany.” It’s a nice ia, but makg Feeld too much about figurg out who you are and ls about already knowg might alienate a er base that is tired of havg to expla self. Its members jt want to meet others who have already been to the rave, or the dungeon, or the dark room, or the play space, and who don’t need the l of engagement to be spelled out.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Feeld, unlike most other datg apps, quantifi the tert s ers receive wh a number that Kirova assured me is real. In the two years I’ve been on the app, more than eleven thoand people have liked my profile, whose only proscriptive has been “no liars.” I’ve never felt as much license to dismiss male entlement as I have on Feeld. If a man sually sults my appearance; if he prsur me to meet after I’ve said that I’m by; if he treats me like a food-livery service, ready to serve him when he’s the mood; if he impos rote pornographic fantasi on me whout any cursy or charm; if he dit that he’ll try to negotiate his way out of g ndoms; if he is y or unforthg a way that mak me spic; if he has no sense of humor or isn’t kd—I disnnect whout hatn or regret. There is no reason to tolerate any humanizg or sultg behavr.</p><p class="paywall">I have mostly met men through Feeld, although I list my inty as “pansexual” to stay open to any proposn that might be tertg, a move I’ve seen cricized on the app. (A Feeld publicist told me that this is typil for women: “We have noticed they are lookg to nnect wh humans of all genrs and sexuali—suggtg that women jog Feeld view sexualy and attractn as somethg fluid that opens their sire to explore.”) The men I met surprised me: somethg about the dynamic of mutual unrstandg that separated sex om romance ma them more open, or maybe was jt my no-entlement policy payg off. When I vised their ho, they would serve h u, they would make tea, they would lend me books, they would tell me about their childhoods, they would rpond immediately to text msag. In long nversatns about relatnships, they would exprs vulnerabily and talk about their securi and regrets. They were open about their health and their S.T.I. stat. They were effive their enthiasm and their gratu. It was so different om the dynamic of srcy and ldns that I was ed to sual datg. I have fallen love the past two years, but not wh anyone I met on Feeld—which is part of the reason I like g .</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-5 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">My iend Anna pared the experience to takg a walk the fort. “You know, you take a walk bee ’s nice to walk, and then sometim you fd mhrooms. Sometim you fd herbs. Sometim you fd nothg, but the walk was nice. I brg home what I get, but the reason I’m chattg wh new people all the time is bee you never know.”</p><p class="paywall">I’ve gone back to the standard datg apps a uple tim, but none offered the same ease of nnectn. I kept experiencg a suffotg genr dynamic: regardls of the kd of person I am, I was somehow forced to the role of a sperate pursuer tryg to w the affectn of the elive and “emotnally unavailable” male, a dynamic that was nfg to see revived a moment when I was experiencg as much sexual agency as I’d ever had my life.</p><p class="paywall">“There’s a lot of judgment when you e to a date wh relatnship expectatns,” Kirova told me. “You e there wh a cutout and you place over people. If I ask you on a date bee I want to get married and have kids, I’ll have a very specific list, and as we’re talkg I’ll be puttg that over you, and I’ll be, like, ‘Oh, do you f?’ And as soon as you say somethg that flash red, you’ll see my body language, bee we’re not actors. . . . I thk that n be very trmatizg, bee you’re beg yourself but you’re beg rejected bee you’re not ftg to someone’s perfect picture. The difference wh this nonmtal approach is that you go out there wh an open md—you go wh cursy.”</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">It was never my goal life to maximize my sexual experience, and I’ve always been skeptil of people who posture flippantly about sex, who rce sex to bodi beg hot or not, who ignore the spooky nature of attractn. For sgle people, sual sex is not a glib life-style choice but a ser attempt to be happy wh a specific realy. There are many more sgle adults now than there were 1973, the year Roe v. Wa tablished a nstutnal right to abortn, which was taken away June. In 2020, a <a href=">Pew Rearch Center study</a> found that forty-five per cent of adults between the ag of twenty-three and thirty-eight do not live wh a spoe or a child, a shift that is as much about the enomic ndns we live unr as a sense of inty. Not havg a partner and not havg kids may mean that you have more sporadic sexual enunters wh people you do not know very well. If you live a state wh an abortn ban, as many now do, forced pregnancy mt be add to the lculatn of risk, but the attack on reproductive rights go beyond physil nsequenc. It is a siege on sexual tonomy.</p><p class="paywall">I joed Feeld bee I missed physil nnectn durg the panmic but also bee I am drawn to what is new and transformative the world around me. The enunters I had through the app might never be repeated, but nobody I’ve met on there has pretend that those enunters haven’t mattered to them some way, or that they weren’t, the moment we sought each other out, very much need.</p><p class="paywall">The people who craft anti-trans legislatn and laws to ntrol sexualy see liv that are different than theirs as a threat to their own tegry. Image what that mt be like, to not be able to thk about change, and the possibili might offer. ♦</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="f4eqm"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 PaywallInleBarrierWhWrapperGrid-fyrGfS kLQIUk grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__le-barrier article__body"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"><asi class="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper-iBnuqk lfXXa-D" data-ttid="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper"><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--paywall-le-barrier" role="prentatn" aria-live="pole" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--paywall-le-barrier"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></asi></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ContentWrapperGrid-fvkmBv brYtrA grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__ntaer"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"></div></div></div></div></div></div></article><div class="ContentFooterWrapper-jVNdRG dTJkpP ArticlePageContentFooterGrid-ccsXYy eMZRHU article-body__footer"><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div 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SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Annals of Inquiry</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-1" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">Are You the Same Person You Used to Be?</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-1" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Are You the Same Person You Used to Be?" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k">Rearchers have studied how much of our personaly is set om childhood, but what you’re like isn’t who you are.</div><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi hYsZi summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Joshua Rothman</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff hlYhBH summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only summary-em--layout-posn-image-right summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm fvDIAb" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="The Upper Wt Si Cult That Hid Pla Sight" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl ldWYvC summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Unr Review</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">The Upper Wt Si Cult That Hid Pla Sight</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="The Upper Wt Si Cult That Hid Pla Sight" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k">In the sixti and seventi, the Sullivanian Instute had a wng sal pch for young New Yorkers: parti, sex, low rent, and affordable therapy.</div><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi hYsZi summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Jsi Wter</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff hlYhBH summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only summary-em--layout-posn-image-right summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm fvDIAb" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="On Killg Charl Dickens" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl ldWYvC summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Life and Letters</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">On Killg Charl Dickens</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="On Killg Charl Dickens" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k">I did everythg I uld to avoid wrg my historil novel. When I fally started “The Frd,” one prciple was clear: no Dickens.</div><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi hYsZi summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Zadie Smh</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff hlYhBH summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only summary-em--layout-posn-image-right summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm fvDIAb" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="The Paradox of Listeng to Our Bodi" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl ldWYvC summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Elements</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">The Paradox of Listeng to Our Bodi</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="The Paradox of Listeng to Our Bodi" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k">Interoceptn—the ner sense lkg our bodi and mds—n nfe as much as n reveal.</div><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi hYsZi summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Jsi Wapner</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm fvDIAb ad ad--read-more"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--read-more" data-no-id="2xo1o"></div></div></div><div class="SummaryCollectnGridToActnWrapper-gnReGN eGayfk"></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="TaboolaWrapper-hMVdpE iYfBhy"><div class="TaboolaWidgetWrapper-egPIjc hkSrgt TaboolaWidget-eUSdED hQCCRa" data-ttid="TaboolaWidgetWrapper"><div class="TaboolaWidgetContent-iBEQTO 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