When Gay Men (Mis)Marry Straight Women: Bonnie Kaye's Story | Psychology Today

Contents:

• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• ‘HE BROKE MY HEART TO A BILLN PIEC’: WHEN A STRAIGHT WOMAN FALLS LOVE WH A GAY MAN
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN
• I WAS SURE I WAS GAY – UNTIL I FELL LOVE WH MY BT FEMALE IEND
• I AM GAY AND I'M LOVE WH A STRAIGHT, WHAT N I DO?
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• "WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED
• READG MM: HOW GAY ROMANCE SCRATCH AN ITCH FOR STRAIGHT WOMEN
• CAN A GAY MAN FALL LOVE WH A WOMAN?
• GAY MEN HAVG SEX WH WOMEN?
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE
• ‘I FELL LOVE WH A GAY MAN AND NEARLY BROKE ME’
• WHAT'S THE SCIENCE BEHD STRAIGHT WOMEN LIKG GAY MEN?
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN MAKE THE BT OF FRIENDS
• ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN “NATURAL ALLI”? AN EVOLUTNARY ACUNT

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad.

Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn. Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective. Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns.

He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him. Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay. The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man).

The days, straight woman and gay men who get along would probably jt be lled mat, but “handbags” were often vol and visual supports of the homosexual muny when discrimatn — legal and otherwise — was still rampant.

Her grandmother was a “beard”, or fake girliend, to gay men she was close to; while her mother helped when the muny was beg vastated by AIDS. Sure, an ocsnal teenage girl falls for a boy who's gay, but don't take most girls very long to figure out that, this se, where there's smoke, there's most fely not fire.

‘HE BROKE MY HEART TO A BILLN PIEC’: WHEN A STRAIGHT WOMAN FALLS LOVE WH A GAY MAN

In general, the attractn women feel for gay men tends to be emotnal nature, clearg the way for a highly satisfyg relatnship that outlasts most other relatnships gay men and straight women have. To beg, I'll addrs how and why straight women are emotnally attracted to gay men—an attractn, by the way, that is returned by gay men spas. Send, straight women love gay men bee closens wh gay men provis a wdow to how the mds of men work, somethg that women want to know as they navigate datg waters wh their straight male peers.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN

Though there are, of urse, differenc between straight and gay men, gay men are neverthels men who share many characteristics and motivatns wh straight men.

I WAS SURE I WAS GAY – UNTIL I FELL LOVE WH MY BT FEMALE IEND

When to the sexualy of young straight and gay men—meang, how equently they thk about sex, want , or feel impatient to get to the actual sex part—there are undoubtedly siari.

When a straight woman hangs out wh a gay man, she begs to put the puzzle together that men, general, treat sex differently than women do. In general, gay men, and gay women, too, tend to be more fearls than their straight unterparts—particularly straight men—bee they’ve ually experienced bullyg and prejudice bee of their sexual orientatn.

Meanwhile, gay men have the social license to be as outrageo or emotnal as they want to be bee gay men don't have to f to such a tightly prcribed role. Instead, they feel more fortable removg the sexual factor that exists at straight bars and prefer the harmlsns that wh socializg wh gay men gay surroundgs.

I AM GAY AND I'M LOVE WH A STRAIGHT, WHAT N I DO?

This type of relatnship is often unhealthy, wh women choosg gay men as iends for superficial reasons: bee they're more fun and love to shop.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

If straight women and gay men foc on fdg iendships where there's te emotnal patibily and rpect, they n velop one of the most rewardg relatnships a person uld have. Those lov are like fallg love wh a teacher, or a straight fallg love wh a gay, or fallg love wh a married person, or fallg love wh a sger or an actor. But you need to know that if the person dont want to do somethg wh you, you need to pass no matter have to rpect that the person you like is straight jt like how he rpect and accept you beg Gay.

Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight.

You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife.

"WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED

I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage. Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure.

READG MM: HOW GAY ROMANCE SCRATCH AN ITCH FOR STRAIGHT WOMEN

A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually.

CAN A GAY MAN FALL LOVE WH A WOMAN?

Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv. Weed is a practicg Mormon and the Church’s current stance on the topic of homosexualy n be summed up like so: “The attractn self is not a s, but actg on is. But there are plenty of SSA men who believe that homosexual behavrs are a relig s -- and, as the recent amic brief shows, some are willg to go so far as to policize their inty orr to fight equal rights for gays.

There was even a recent TLC documentary, "My Hband's Not Gay, " about Mormon hoeholds Utah posed of same-sex attracted men married to women.

"In some ways, a very relig, exclively gay man married to an asexual woman, they n have a very nice iendship, a very wonrful relatnship many ways, and wouldn't be a fay therapist's dream, but would be fe for them. When Lren Blakely, a married straight 49-year-old woman livg Seattle and a vorac rear, me upon the 2007 lerary sensatn Call Me By Your Name by André Aciman, a gay romance that was ma to a 2017 movie starrg Timothée Chalamet and Armie Hammer, she voured a weekend. Her first gay romance, A Guy Walks Into My Bar, was her playg wh the ia of whether was possible for two men, strangers, a US hockey player and a Brish bartenr, to fall love six days.

GAY MEN HAVG SEX WH WOMEN?

Bee FM romance books the days n have siarly racy vers, a potential buyer sometim mt read the text on the back to tell that the books are gay, not straight. They move fluidly among their straight iends and gay iends, and they’re unaaid, at the end of the books, to get down on one knee and propose. MM romance wrers may tegrate var aspects of ntemporary gay life their books, referencg gay bars and hookup apps, for example, as well as trop like llege days and profsnal sports.

The plited bs of gay life – self-doubt, homophobia, the difficulty of g out, hard-to-harns sir, negotiatg non-monogamy – mt be set asi for a few hundred pag. MM romance, wh s hot, nfint bodi always ready for actn or a tenr moment, might not reflect realy…but they’re certaly good PR for gay men.

To answer your qutn plaly wh the rmatn that you’ve shared, ’s likely that some gay men do have sexual relatnships wh women to hi their te orientatn, due to fear of g out. Ined, there are gay men who feel prsured to mask their sexualy bee of cultural, faial, relig, or personal beliefs that beg gay is wrong. And, although scientific studi this field are rare, sexual aroal to women has been measured groups of men wh several different sexual orientatns, cludg those who intify as gay.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE

Archiv, sexual orientatn is ually prised of several parts: attractn, how one acts on that attractn, and how one intifi (gay, straight, bisexual, etc). A cisgenr man may experience romantic attractn towards other men, sexual attractn towards men and women, but he choos to intify as gay. Surveys among high school stunts found differenc between inty and sexual behavrs, wh many of the self-intified gay or lbian stunts mentng that they engage sexual activi wh those of other genrs.

Now a new psychology study has provid evince that gay men and straight women are the perfect iends wh benefs – as long as the benefs have to do wh tstworthy relatnship advice. “I was terted the evolutnary perspective as to why gay men and straight women form close iendships, ” says Eric Rsell, a visg psychology rearcher at the Universy of Texas At and lead thor of the study, published the latt issue of Evolutnary Psychology. Rsell wonred if had somethg to do wh the exchange of matg advice sce gay men and straight women aren’t romantic partners or matg petn and were “uniquely posned to exchange tstworthy rmatn.

”To tt his hypothis, Rsell enlisted the help of 88 straight women and 58 gay men, all unrgrads om the Texas ChristianUniversy, and nducted two one, straight women were prented wh a scenar volvg a party, a iend who bags out at the last mute and a substute “date” named Jordan.

‘I FELL LOVE WH A GAY MAN AND NEARLY BROKE ME’

Rearchers asked the women to look up a Facebook profile for Jordan -- who was prented as eher a straight woman, a straight man or a gay man – and then answer a seri of qutns. In the send study, gay men were prented wh the exact same scenar except the Facebook profile picted Jordan as eher a straight woman, a gay woman or a gay qutns – signed to terme the level of tst tt subjects had for each genr/sexual preference – were ccial to the person’s “game. As turned out, straight women did tst advice given by the gay Jordan more than the advice they got om a straight female or straight male Jordan.

Rsell says he wasn’t surprised by the fdgs, although he did fd tertg that gay men were jt as tstg of straight women as straight women were of gay men. ”It’s a dynamic well-documented movi, lerature and pop culture, says Rsell, potg to famo gay guy-straight gal iendships like Will and Grace and Kurt and Rachel om Glee. There’s even a seri of YouTube vios om the edy group Send Cy showg how a number of famo straight women om lerature – thk Juliet, Lady MacBeth and Charl Dickens’ Miss Havisham – uld have benefed om a “sassy gay iend.

WHAT'S THE SCIENCE BEHD STRAIGHT WOMEN LIKG GAY MEN?

Lare was the maid of honor at Fick' weddg, and Fick was Lare's“In general, if you were askg whether I’d tst a straight woman or a gay man an unknown suatn, I’d probably end up tstg the straight woman rather than the gay guy, ” he says. ”Christyne Blount, a 38-year-old fancial analyst om Seattle, says she fely would tst a gay man more than that of a straight man when me to datg advice but feels her straight women iends are every b as reliable.

Of urse, some intify as straight but are realy closeted bisexuals or gays by sexual orientatn—perhaps likely to e out at a later age (if ever). The days, straight women and gay men who get along would probably jt be lled iends, but “handbags” were often vol and visual supporters of the LGBTQ muny when discrimatn — legal and otherwise — was still rampant.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN MAKE THE BT OF FRIENDS

” Her grandmother was a “beard, ” or fake girliend, to gay men she was close to, while her mother helped when the muny was beg vastated by AIDS. Books, televisn shows and feature-length films have all highlighted this unique relatnship, noted for s closens and wh society's attus toward gays and lbians changg, 's bee all the more important to build a holistic unrstandg of the relatnships between gay and straight a rearcher social psychology, I've often wonred: Why do straight female-gay male relatnships work so well?

Specifilly, I believe evolutnary psychology and human matg n help expla why relatnships between straight women and gay men tend to flourish.

ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN “NATURAL ALLI”? AN EVOLUTNARY ACUNT

Bee gay men don't mate wh women—or pete wh them for mat—women feel a certa level of fort wh gay men, and the procs of formg a close iendship n occur relatively heterosexual men (who, by fn, are sexually attracted to women), the procs is longer—and potentially more ght—bee men may be grapplg wh their own sexual other words, bee gay men are attracted to their own genr, they're a "safe bet" for women—at least, om a socblogil three years ago, I ially tted this theory a seri of experiments that have served as the foundatn of my rearch program on gay-straight the experiments, straight female participants were shown fict Facebook profil pictg eher a straight woman, straight man or gay man. I also reced gay male participants, and had them plete the same task (wh the gay men viewg Facebook profil pictg a straight female, gay male or lbian female) experiments, published the journal Evolutnary Psychology, monstrated that straight women and gay men perceived one another to be tstworthy sourc of relatnship and datg advice.