What to Do When Your Child Says: "I'm Gay" | Psychology Today

Contents:

• IS YOUR CHILD GAY?
• ARE WE BORN GAY?
• WHEN DO GAY KIDS START “ACTG GAY”?
• FOR GAY MEN, HAVG A BLOGIL CHILD N BE PLITED
• WHEN YOUR CHILD IS GAY
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"
• MANY PARENTS STGGLE TO ADJT AFTER LEARNG CHILD IS GAY, STUDY FDS
• MORN DOS AND DON'TS FOR PARENTS OF GAY KIDS G OUT

IS YOUR CHILD GAY?

Both lbians and gay men often have a history of cross-sex-typed behavrs: ltle boys beg fatuated wh their mother's makp k; ltle girls enamored of field hockey or profsnal wrtlg. Prehomosexual boys tend to be more attracted to solary sports such as swimmg, cyclg and tennis than they are to rougher ntact sports such as football and soccer. Children who show pronounced sex-atypil behavrs may have more of a geic loadg to their homosexualy.

The behavral patterns are feared, loathed and often spoken of directly as harbgers of adult homosexualy. It is only relatively recently, however, that velopmental scientists have nducted ntrolled studi to intify the earlit and most reliable signs of adult homosexualy.

ARE WE BORN GAY?

In lookg refully at the childhoods of gay adults, rearchers are fdg an trigug set of behavral ditors that homosexuals seem to have mon. So on the basis of some earlier, shakier rearch, along wh a good dose of mon sense, Bailey and Zucker hypothized that homosexuals would show an verted pattern of sex-typed childhood behavrs—ltle boys preferrg girls as playmat and beg fatuated wh their mother's makp k; ltle girls strangely enamored of field hockey or profsnal wrtlg—that sort of thg. Given that a small proportn of the populatn is homosexual, prospective studi require a large number of children.

Although only 12 percent of the women grew up to be genr dysphoric (the unfortable sense that your blogil sex do not match your genr), the odds of the women reportg a bisexual or homosexual orientatn were up to 23 tim higher than would occur a general sample of young women. Bailey and Zucker, who nducted a retrospective study which adults answered qutns about their past, revealed that 89 percent of randomly sampled gay men relled cross-sex-typed childhood behavrs exceedg the heterosexual median.

The thors found that “those targets who, as adults, intified themselv as homosexual were judged to be genr nonnformg as children.

WHEN DO GAY KIDS START “ACTG GAY”?

There is also evince of a “dosage effect”: the more genr-nonnformg characteristics there are childhood, the more likely is that a homosexual or bisexual orientatn will be prent adulthood.

Not all ltle boys who like to wear drs grow up to be gay, nor do all ltle girls who spise drs bee lbians. I took to middle school wrtlg as a rather scrawny 80-pound eighth grar, and so dog, ironilly beme all too nsc of my homosexual orientatn. Cross-cultural data show that prehomosexual boys are more attracted to solary sports such as swimmg, cyclg and tennis than they are to rougher ntact sports such as football and soccer; they are also ls likely to be childhood bulli.

Rearchers readily nce that there are que likely multiple—and no doubt extremely plited—velopmental rout to adult homosexualy. Bee the data often reveal very early emergg tras prehomosexuals, children who show pronounced sex-atypil behavrs may have more of a geic loadg to their homosexualy, whereas gay adults who were sex-typil as children might trace their homosexualy more directly to particular childhood experienc.

FOR GAY MEN, HAVG A BLOGIL CHILD N BE PLITED

All else beg equal, I spect we would be hard-prsed to fd parents who would actually prefer their offsprg to be homosexual.

Evolutnarily, parental homophobia is a no-braer: gay sons and lbian dghters are not likely to reproduce (unls they get creative). Lang, Elton John and Rachel Maddow's close relativ, but I n only image that the straight k are far better off terms of their own reproductive opportuni than they would be whout a homosexual danglg so magnificently on their fay tre.

WHEN YOUR CHILD IS GAY

So cultivate your ltle prehomosexual's native talents, and your ultimate geic payoff uld, strangely enough, be even larger wh one very special gay child than would be if 10 medcre straight offsprg leaped om your los. I n say as a once prehomosexual pipsqueak that some preparatn on the part of others would have ma easier on me, rather than nstantly fearg rejectn or worryg about some rels slipup leadg to my “exposure. And another thg: mt be pretty hard to look to your prehomosexual toddler's limpid ey, bsh away the okie cmbs om her cheek and toss her out on the streets for beg article was origally published wh the tle "Is Your Child Gay?

But on the other, he totally wrtl wh the image produced by the ia that one might be "born gay, " of a ltle male neonate appearg wh illy pk diapers and graspg a Barbie doll. Plörl pared self-clared homosexual or heterosexual inti adults to their memori of genr nformy childhood. First, by ncentratg on the left si of the graphs, the rear n see that there is a segment of adult gay men who remember beg highly genr non-nformg as kids.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"

But there were a signifint number of genr-nformg men who, nohels, veloped a gay or bisexual inty adulthood. Maybe we n agree that the image evoked by "born gay"—that ltle girl neonate appearg wearg overalls and graspg a toy tck—do not help thk through qutns of sexual sire and inty. Ten narrative studi volvg fay histori of 262 children of gay fathers and lbian mothers were evaluated statistilly rponse to Morrison's (2007) ncerns about Cameron's (2006) rearch that had volved three narrative studi.

Dpe numero attempts to bias the rults favour of the null hypothis and allowg for up to 20 (of 63, 32%) dg errors, Cameron's (2006) hypothis that gay and lbian parents would be more likely to have gay, lbian, bisexual or unsure (of sexual orientatn) sons and dghters was nfirmed. Percentag of children of gay and lbian parents who adopted non-heterosexual inti ranged between 16% and 57%, wh odds rats of 1.

Data om ethnographic sourc and om prev studi on gay and lbian parentg were re-examed and found to support the hypothis that social and parental fluenc may fluence the exprsn of non-heterosexual inti and/or behavur. Fay rejectn as a predictor of negative health out whe and Lato lbian, gay, and bisexual young adults. They immediately clocked as gay, while we immediately clocked them as we warmed up to another, one mom anxly said: "I have a qutn: I am pretty sure my son is gay, but I don't know what to do.

MANY PARENTS STGGLE TO ADJT AFTER LEARNG CHILD IS GAY, STUDY FDS

"For example, if someone the word "gay" place of "stupid, " remd them that the two are not terchangeable, and suggt they should say what they actually mean stead. "The rourc n help:PFLAG: The untry’s largt anizatn ung parents, fai, and alli wh people who are lbian, gay, bisexual, transgenr, and Spectm: Offers groups, trag, and rourc promotg genr sensivy and cln for all youthGLBT Natnal Rource Database: LGBTQ+ digal directory of rourcNatnal Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network: Directory of therapists/unselors who are people of lorNatnal LGBTQ Task Force: The progrsive advocy arm of the LGBTQ+ movementDurg LGBTQ Pri Month, TODAY is sharg the muny’s history, pa, joy and what’s next for the movement.

The problem is, even many of those articl are really jt a llectn of stance the Calgary Journal, an article entled, "When do most homosexuals know they're gay? "And then went on wh even more actual facts as they ced a natnal survey of 1, 752 llege stunts:* 48% of self-intified gay and bisexual llege stunts beme aware of their sexual preference high school while 26% found their te sexualy llege.

* 20% of self-intified gay and bisexual men knew that they were gay or bisexual junr high school, and 17% said they knew gra school.

MORN DOS AND DON'TS FOR PARENTS OF GAY KIDS G OUT

* 6% of self-intified gay or bisexual women knew that they were gay or bisexual junr high school, and 11% knew gra school. Sung by a rtoon drag queen, the song prais fai wh gay, lbian, transgenr, and nonbary members, ncludg that “Ace, bi, and pan grownups, you see, n love each other so proudly.