Gay and Can't Fd a Partner? | Psychology Today

Contents:

• ARE HOMOPHOB SECRETLY ATTRACTED TO GAY PEOPLE?
• GAY CULTURE HAS GROWN TOXIC WH UNCHECKED PRIVILEGE. IT'S TIME FOR TO RET
• GAY AND CAN'T FD A PARTNER?
• GAY AND UGLY
• I’M FAT AND GAY. HERE’S WHAT I’VE LEARNED.
• IS THERE ANYTHG WORSE THAN BEG GAY AND UGLY?
• GAY AND FEEL UNATTRACTIVE
• GAY, MIDDLE-AGED, AND LONELY AS HELL
• HOW DO I KNOW I’M NOT REALLY GAY/STRAIGHT?

ARE HOMOPHOB SECRETLY ATTRACTED TO GAY PEOPLE?

I know some people who openly disparage gay people; I often wonr whether they might actually harbour a secret attractn that they don’t openly acknowledge. It seems plsible, particularly when we learn of stanc where those openly nmng homosexualy are subsequently disvered engagg same-sex behavurs. Historilly, Frd ponred whether some people are effective at supprsg same-sex attractns, what later beme known as “latent homosexualy”.

Ferenczi (1914/1956) elaborated the ias, suggtg that anti-gay prejudice rulted om unsuccsful reprsn of one’s own same-sex sir that lie below the level of nscns. Contrary to many lay beliefs, we found no evince that those monstratg implic (largely unnsc) same-sex attractn sred higher homophobia.

Among women, there was the reverse effect, such that heterosexual women showg implic attractn toward women exprsed more posive (not negative) attus toward gays. Other factors, such as tergroup disgt sensivy (see Hodson et al., 2013), and right-wg thorarianism, are much better explanatns of anti-gay bias at the level of the dividual.

GAY CULTURE HAS GROWN TOXIC WH UNCHECKED PRIVILEGE. IT'S TIME FOR TO RET

But even though the nversatns that muted this lumn for six weeks are nowhere close to beg over, I do feel like some thgs that me up durg that time of ntemplatn are worth sayg now — particularly to my fellow whe gay cis out more stori on LGBTQ+ ins and activistsHowever, the ghost of Larry Kramer very much remaed my own head as I ma my way through a Pri month unlike any other. I spent a few quiet afternoons readg his 1978 but novel Faggots, a satiril (yet clearly tobgraphil) look at the liv of gay men 1970s New York Cy that he wrote jt before AIDS ma him a figurehead of Amerin activism. Followg a man his late 30s (based on Kramer himself) who is seekg out a lovg, long-term relatnship a sea of hedonism, the novel has a clear msage: gay men need to start lovg each other stead of beg so obssed wh gettg fucked up and (lerally and figuratively) fuckg each other.

GAY AND CAN'T FD A PARTNER?

- Larry Kramer his but novelUpon publitn, Faggots was dismissed by many as puranil and self-loathg for s cricism of gay men's obssn wh vany, promiscuy and recreatnal dg e. And while, on one level, the book is a wild (if at tim problematic) wdow to an era of gay culture 40 years the past, also felt like had a lot to say about gay culture today.

In mastream gay media, the phrase almost always refers to a fairly specific subset of the LGBTQ "muny" largely ma up of whe gay cis men — even though many of the battl won around queer rights were fought by people of lour, trans and genr-nonnformg folks, and queer women, and fact the morn Pri movement self was large part iated by Black trans women. If an imprsn of a monolhic "gay culture" fed by such a homogeneo mographic exists, is bee whe gay cis men have until very recently domated mastream reprentatn unr the LGBTQ umbrella and have, general, been hand a level of privilege the last that is wildly disproportnate to any other mographic unr said umbrella.

(Prophetilly enough, Fire Island is where the climax of Faggots — Kramer's exriatn of "gay culture" — tak place. When was the last time I actually had a good time at gay bar full of people I have fely spoken to on social media or apps but who act like I'm pletely sane when I se or say hello person?

GAY AND UGLY

In analyzg the show's pictn of young gay men livg San Francis, wrer Daniel Wenger diagnos what he terms the "new gay sadns": an entire generatn of urban, privileged gay men who seem to have no clue what they're lookg for or who they are. Largely born the 1980s, they are the earlit wave of a "post-Stonewall, post-plague, post-activist" generatn of gays — "too old to have brought a boy to the prom and too young to have nursed a fantasy of nng away to an urban gay utopia, " Wenger explas.

Queeri5 pneerg LGBTQ Canadian films you n watch for ee right nowI've seen many of my fellow whe gay cis men seemgly rise to the ocsn by retweetg Black and Indigeno voic, gog to ralli and vowg to te themselv on how to tly be anti-racist (though how performative that is some s is unclear).

I’M FAT AND GAY. HERE’S WHAT I’VE LEARNED.

Rettg "gay culture" will require fightg back agast entrenched social prsur and expectatns of gay cis men — and llg them out when they perpetuate, even passively, any form of discrimatory dialogue. And was large part bee of that attu that he uld lead AIDS activists through a rpt and homophobic system to ga accs to the dgs that ma possible for our generatn to have the liv that we do.

OK, so, you’re gay, and you want to fd a partner and eventually a hband; someone wh whom to share your life. As an openly gay man wh over 30 years of experience as a therapist, I have seen sr of sgle gay men sabotage their efforts to fd a partner, placg obstacl their own path—whout havg the slightt ia as to what they are dog and why. Fortunately, I have also learned how to intify and name the self-featg and often hidn hurdl—and have disvered that they are beliefs that too many gay men repeat to themselv, often whout even knowg .

In my experience, this ternalized belief is the poison that prevents some gay men om buildg a healthy relatnship, and also why many ms up the on they already have. Some of have been bullied as children; physilly, verbally, and emotnally abed at tenr ag by our peers and fay members for beg gay before we even regnized and unrstood our same-sex attractns. Sadly, the wounds are difficult to heal, and as a rult, n leave gay men wh the sense that we are unlovable and th unworthy of love, affectn, and happs.

IS THERE ANYTHG WORSE THAN BEG GAY AND UGLY?

For sure, so much of the gay male world is way too foced on looks, youth, the gym, partyg, and fast hookups; so searchg for Mr. Nonmonogamy was a polil statement, and gay rights advot saw marriage as nstrictive, patriarchal, heterocentric, flawed (perhaps due to the 50% failure rate) and therefore not worthy of pursu, pecially light of how gay men of the era were still gettg ejected om their jobs, hom, fai and blackmailed and arrted for who they were. Where ’s legal, same-sex upl are gettg married drov, and some gay weddgs are so theatril and over the top that they n actually be timidatg.

I have worked wh many gay widowers—guys wh good relatnship track rerds, who are anxly seekg a new mate, but are sabotagg themselv the ways scribed above.

I have had several grievg gay men tell me: “If I move on, will be like I am fettg him, ” which is jt not te. Remember, as a gay man, you have survived lots of direct and direct msag that there was somethg wrong wh you, which has left srs.

GAY AND FEEL UNATTRACTIVE

I ed to love beg a gay nservative Texan bee was like, the "system" was at flt for me never havg a boyiend.

GAY, MIDDLE-AGED, AND LONELY AS HELL

But now I meet all the handsome guys I grew up wh who are gay and livg their liv and jt stroys me--absolutely stroys me si. This article isn’t about beg fat or th as an dividual, ’s about how our muny se weight and body warng, this is not a pretty overweight as a gay man thsts a person to unique suatns.

HOW DO I KNOW I’M NOT REALLY GAY/STRAIGHT?

Queer popular culture, filled almost exclively wh geo people, is inty-affirmg and soul-stroyg equal prevailg bety standards the gay muny are outpaced for sheer toxicy only by the women’s fashn dtry. What is or is not ‘acceptable’ my own experience, two distct groups of young gay men are generally seen as attractive and wily reprented media and culture.

In our lifetime, the gay muny has ma more progrs on legal and social acceptance than any other mographic group history.

As recently as my own adolcence, gay marriage was a distant aspiratn, somethg newspapers still put sre quot. Still, even as we celebrate the sle and speed of this change, the rat of prsn, lonels and substance abe the gay muny rema stuck the same place they’ve been for s.