Gay Kids Comg Out Younger, But Parents Ask "How Do You Know?"

11 year old boy gay

FURY epted yterday at “sister” plans to quiz 11-year-old children to see if they are straight, gay or bisexual.

Contents:

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"

Gay youth often face their set of challeng after g out about their genr preferenc. * 11 year old boy gay *

As a matter of fact, you might someday look back and fd that you are grateful for the experience of havg a gay or lbian child.

IS YOUR CHILD GAY?

Gay kids are g out earlier — sometim middle school — and many are fdg acceptance. But some parents and teachers wonr if the kids are too young to really know their sexual orientatn. * 11 year old boy gay *

Well, my study of 65 fai of gay and lbian youth for the book, Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, I found that some parents get to the pot where they believe that the experience of havg a gay child actually ma them a better person—more open-md and sensive to the needs of others, particularly those other mory groups. The tstworthy nfidants let them vent but also rrected some of the misperceptns they absorbed om society, such as that gay people are lonely, unhappy, promiscuo, not fay-oriented, unable to have children, or sted for an unhappy life.

Both lbians and gay men often have a history of cross-sex-typed behavrs: ltle boys beg fatuated wh their mother's makp k; ltle girls enamored of field hockey or profsnal wrtlg. Prehomosexual boys tend to be more attracted to solary sports such as swimmg, cyclg and tennis than they are to rougher ntact sports such as football and soccer. It is only relatively recently, however, that velopmental scientists have nducted ntrolled studi to intify the earlit and most reliable signs of adult homosexualy.

In lookg refully at the childhoods of gay adults, rearchers are fdg an trigug set of behavral ditors that homosexuals seem to have mon. So on the basis of some earlier, shakier rearch, along wh a good dose of mon sense, Bailey and Zucker hypothized that homosexuals would show an verted pattern of sex-typed childhood behavrs—ltle boys preferrg girls as playmat and beg fatuated wh their mother's makp k; ltle girls strangely enamored of field hockey or profsnal wrtlg—that sort of thg.

EARLY SIGNS TO TELL YOUR CHILD IS GAYTIMOFDIATHE DIFFICULT JOURNEYUNRSTANDG, ACKNOWLEDGG, AND SHARG ONE'S SEXUAL ORIENTATN WH THE WORLD, IS EASY FOR SOME, WHILE FOR OTHERS THE JOURNEY IS LONG AND DIFFICULT.GETTY-IMAGCOMG OUT ISN'T EASYGAY YOUTH OFTEN FACE THEIR SET OF CHALLENG AFTER G OUT ABOUT THEIR GENR PREFERENC.GETTY-IMAGTHE ROLE OF PARENTSAS PARENTS, ALL YOU N DO IS PROVI THEM WH LOVE AND SUPPORT. THIS N START OM AN EARLY AGE IF YOU N INTIFY THE SIGNS OF YOUR CHILD'S SEXUAL ORIENTATN.GETTY-IMAG​DRSG UPIT MAY SEEM STEREOTYPIL, BUT SOME REARCH SUGGTS THAT KIDS SHOW THEIR CLATN BY THE WAY THEY DRS UP. GETTY-IMAG​SPEECHAS PER A STUDY, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE SPEECH OF KIDS WHO ARE CLED TOWARDS THE SAME SEX. THE CHANGE THE TONE N EASILY BE TECTED EVEN WHEN THEY ARE FIVE YEARS OLD. GETTY-IMAG​TOYS PREFERENCEWHEN ROLE-PLAYG, IF A BOY OFTEN TAK THE FEME ROLE OR THE GIRL LIK TO PLAY ROUGH GAM, THEN YOU NEED TO PAY A LTLE ATTENTN. GETTY-IMAGYOU MAY ALSO LIKECOVID: WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR KID'S IMM...

For most kids, the social prsur of middle school are tough enough. But an creasg number of young teenagers, some as young 10 or 11, are g out as gay or lbian middle school. Beno Denizet-Lewis, who wrote about the trend the New York Tim Magaze, discs what social factors uld be leadg young people to e out earlier. * 11 year old boy gay *

Although only 12 percent of the women grew up to be genr dysphoric (the unfortable sense that your blogil sex do not match your genr), the odds of the women reportg a bisexual or homosexual orientatn were up to 23 tim higher than would occur a general sample of young women. Bailey and Zucker, who nducted a retrospective study which adults answered qutns about their past, revealed that 89 percent of randomly sampled gay men relled cross-sex-typed childhood behavrs exceedg the heterosexual median. The thors found that “those targets who, as adults, intified themselv as homosexual were judged to be genr nonnformg as children.

There is also evince of a “dosage effect”: the more genr-nonnformg characteristics there are childhood, the more likely is that a homosexual or bisexual orientatn will be prent adulthood. I took to middle school wrtlg as a rather scrawny 80-pound eighth grar, and so dog, ironilly beme all too nsc of my homosexual orientatn.

Cross-cultural data show that prehomosexual boys are more attracted to solary sports such as swimmg, cyclg and tennis than they are to rougher ntact sports such as football and soccer; they are also ls likely to be childhood bulli. Rearchers readily nce that there are que likely multiple—and no doubt extremely plited—velopmental rout to adult homosexualy. Bee the data often reveal very early emergg tras prehomosexuals, children who show pronounced sex-atypil behavrs may have more of a geic loadg to their homosexualy, whereas gay adults who were sex-typil as children might trace their homosexualy more directly to particular childhood experienc.

GAY KIDS COMG OUT YOUNGER, BUT PARENTS ASK "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"

All else beg equal, I spect we would be hard-prsed to fd parents who would actually prefer their offsprg to be homosexual. Evolutnarily, parental homophobia is a no-braer: gay sons and lbian dghters are not likely to reproduce (unls they get creative).

Lang, Elton John and Rachel Maddow's close relativ, but I n only image that the straight k are far better off terms of their own reproductive opportuni than they would be whout a homosexual danglg so magnificently on their fay tre.

So cultivate your ltle prehomosexual's native talents, and your ultimate geic payoff uld, strangely enough, be even larger wh one very special gay child than would be if 10 medcre straight offsprg leaped om your los. I n say as a once prehomosexual pipsqueak that some preparatn on the part of others would have ma easier on me, rather than nstantly fearg rejectn or worryg about some rels slipup leadg to my “exposure. And another thg: mt be pretty hard to look to your prehomosexual toddler's limpid ey, bsh away the okie cmbs om her cheek and toss her out on the streets for beg article was origally published wh the tle "Is Your Child Gay?

GAY YOUTH COMG OUT IN MIDDLE SCHOOL

The difficult journeyUnrstandg, acknowledgg, and sharg one's sexual orientatn wh the world, is easy for some, while for others the journey is long and out isn't easyGay youth often face their set of challeng after g out about their genr role of parentsAs parents, all you n do is provi them wh love and support. Getty-imag​Word of utnWhile the signs are generally nsired as an ditn, not all boys who play wh dolls are gay or not all girls who like to play rough are lbians.

They immediately clocked as gay, while we immediately clocked them as we warmed up to another, one mom anxly said: "I have a qutn: I am pretty sure my son is gay, but I don't know what to do.

"For example, if someone the word "gay" place of "stupid, " remd them that the two are not terchangeable, and suggt they should say what they actually mean stead.

MY 11-YEAR-OLD WAS JT DUMPED BY HIS BT FRIEND BEE HE'S GAY

"The rourc n help:PFLAG: The untry’s largt anizatn ung parents, fai, and alli wh people who are lbian, gay, bisexual, transgenr, and Spectm: Offers groups, trag, and rourc promotg genr sensivy and cln for all youthGLBT Natnal Rource Database: LGBTQ+ digal directory of rourcNatnal Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network: Directory of therapists/unselors who are people of lorNatnal LGBTQ Task Force: The progrsive advocy arm of the LGBTQ+ movementDurg LGBTQ Pri Month, TODAY is sharg the muny’s history, pa, joy and what’s next for the movement.

Denizet-Lewis wr that when he started workg for the gay men's magaze XY 1998, "we received dozens of letters each week om teenagers the pths of spair. " Three years later, he says, "a new kd of gay adolcent was appearg on the page - proud, rilient, sometim even happy.

YOUR CHILD JT TOLD YOU HE'S GAY. NOW WHAT?

" He explas, That's not to say that gay teenagers didn't still suffer harassment at school or rejectn at home, but many seemed ls burned wh shame and self-loathg than their olr gay peers. Not only were there creasgly accurate and posive portrayals of gays and lbians popular culture, but most teenagers were by then regular Inter ers.

‘ARE YOU GAY’ QUIZ FOR 11-YEAR-OLDS

Gog onle broke through the isolatn that had been a hallmark of beg young and gay, and allowed gay teenagers to fd rmatn to refute what their fai or church sometim still told them - namely, that they would never fd happs and to the Inter and to creasg cultural acceptance of homosexualy (an crease marred, we should note, by measur like Proposn 8), kids who might once have waed until high school or even llege to e out are now dog so earlier.

COMG OUT AS GAY IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

At least 120 middle schools the untry have gay-straight alliance groups, and others let stunts observe the natnal Day of Silence prott agast anti-gay harassment. " They were not, however, silent: "Good luck gettg middle-schoolers not to talk, " the school unselor youth of the Webster kids and other gay middle-schoolers is a sign of how far gay rights have e — but 's also the kids' biggt obstacle to acceptance. The irony of a parent spectg her kid is gay and then refg to believe he uld know his own orientatn highlights how much more difficulty some parents have wh burgeong gay sexualy than they would wh a straight kid's of this may have to do wh the misnceptn that you have to have gay terurse to be gay, or that homosexualy is somehow a more "sexual" orientatn than heterosexualy.

'Eileen Ross, director of a Mounta View, CA program for gay youth, says that when a 12-year-old boy says he lik girls, "No one says to them: 'Are you sure? A lawyer Florida argued that gay-straight allianc promote the "premature sexualizatn of the stunts, " and when At started a gay-straight alliance, his Michigan school ma him ll somethg "ls ntroversial" (he chose "Peace Alliance"). Denizet-Lewis reports the hopeful words of velopmental psychologist Rch Sav-Williams: "This is the first generatn of gay kids who have the great joy of beg able to argue wh their parents about datg, jt like their straight peers do.

WHEN WORDS CAN KILL: 'THAT'S SO GAY'

I read a lot about youth culture and I was talkg to tors and, you know, lears of gay youth groups and they were all sayg the same thg.

When realy, if you talk to a gay man, you know, many of them lookg back will say, you know, I noticed my same sex attractn, you know, at 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 that ballpark. I mean, one of the tertg thgs that we have to look at is this, is that much of the anti-gay bullyg and anti-gay harassment that's gog on middle schools and high school is more about genr non-nformy than really is about beg gay or lbian.

Is that beg gay or lbian is still enough of a pariah inty that parents want to take off the table as long as they n, or is jt that parents really feel that all kids are sexualized too early the days, and they don't want their kids at this age thkg about, you know, hookg up? So was really - and a lot of parents, when they heard their kid, their 12-, 13-, 14-year-old say, you know, I'm gay, or I'm bisexual, or I'm lbian, they tomatilly went to oh my god, that means he's havg sex, when realy wasn't about that at all. DENIZET-LEWIS: I thk that there's no doubt that sort of as you have more posive portrayals and, I would say, accurate portrayals of gay and lbian life the media, and kids n go onle and fd all kds of rourc, that there's no doubt that that's gog to have an effect on kids, and that they're gog to possibly e out earlier bee of that.

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* 11 YEAR OLD BOY GAY

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Embrace <span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h1><style data-emotn="css 1cgvs9y">{font-fay:GTWalsheim,Helveti,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg-bottom:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.0625rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.25rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.5rem;le-height:1.2;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#B20B16;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-1cgvs9y exadjwu8"><p>I had to play "tch up" wh my g out, but my dghter words like “bi,” “pan,” “ace,” and “mi”— and I uldn’t be happier.</p></div><style data-emotn="css 1yvxpqj">{marg-bottom:0.625rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;font-fay:GTWalsheim,Helveti,sans-serif;font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1;letter-spacg:0.05em;text-transform:upperse;} span{le-height:1.6;}</style><div class="css-1yvxpqj exadjwu7"><style data-emotn="css ku2dj9">{font-style:normal;paddg-right:0.3125rem;font-fay:GTWalsheim,Helveti,sans-serif;font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1;letter-spacg:0.05em;text-transform:upperse;}</style><addrs class="css-ku2dj9 ehvvd9m2"><style data-emotn="css 6ywij2">{paddg-right:0.3125rem;font-fay:GTWalsheim,Helveti,sans-serif;font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1;letter-spacg:0.05em;text-transform:upperse;}</style><span class="css-6ywij2 ehvvd9m1">By Elizabeth Wallace</span><style data-emotn="css w0ebia">{display:le-block;text-transform:upperse;marg-left:0.625rem;}</style><time class="css-w0ebia exadjwu6">Published: May 7, 2019</time></addrs></div></div></div></hear><style data-emotn="css k008qs">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;}</style><div class="css-k008qs ewisyje0"><style data-emotn="css 7ce51e">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;posn:relative;}@media(max-width: 64rem){{max-width:lc(100vw - (1rem * 2));marg-left:1rem;marg-right:1rem;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc(-1 * 1rem);}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{marg-left:to;marg-right:to;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc((100vw - (lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 2 * 1rem)) / -2);}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem) and (max-width: 90rem){{max-width:lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem);marg-left:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / 2);paddg-left:1rem;paddg-right:1rem;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / -2) - 1rem);}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{marg-left:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem)) / 2);max-width:lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem);paddg-left:1rem;paddg-right:1rem;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 + 1rem)) / -2) - lc(2 * 1rem));}[data-has-sponsor] {marg-left:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem)) / 4);marg-right:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem)) / 4);}}</style><div class="standard-ntaer ntent-ntaer article-ntaer css-7ce51e ewisyje3"><style data-emotn="css trzem2">{jtify-self:center;posn:relative;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-left:-50vw;marg-right:-50vw;width:100vw;left:50%;right:50%;}}</style><div class="ntent-lead css-trzem2 ewisyje6"><style data-emotn="css sm2oir">{height:to;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw);}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{marg:to;}}</style><div class="ntent-lead-image css-sm2oir e5f9kgu2"><style data-emotn="css eag3eq">{posn:relative;height:to;}</style><div class="css-eag3eq e5f9kgu1"><style data-emotn="css 335qep">{posn:relative;width:100%;height:100%;object-f:ver;vertil-align:top;}</style><img fetchPrry="high" alt="Illtratn, Constctn paper, Art, " tle="Illtratn, Constctn paper, Art, " width="2171" height="1200" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-335qep exi4f7p0" /></div><style data-emotn="css 285vyd">{le-height:1;}@media(max-width: 73.75rem){{paddg-left:0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:0;}}</style><figptn class="css-285vyd enfs9c50"><style data-emotn="css pejqtf">{lor:#595959;paddg-right:0.3125rem;font-fay:GTWalsheim,Helveti,sans-serif;font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1;letter-spacg:0.05em;text-transform:upperse;}</style><span class="css-pejqtf e6iqd1">Getty Imag</span></figptn></div></div><style data-emotn="css z6i669">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;posn:relative;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:3.5rem;paddg-right:3.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{max-width:45.25rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem) and (max-width: 100rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}} em{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-style:alic;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}{clear:both;ntent:" ";display:block;font-size:0.7rem;le-height:1.5rem;height:0rem;visibily:hidn;}</style><div class="article-body-ntent article-body standard-body-ntent css-z6i669 ewisyje7"><style data-emotn="css 18vfmjb">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;} em{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-style:alic;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}</style><p data-no-id="0" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Earlier this year, my 11-year-old me home om school and told me that one of her sixth gra iends had e out to her. “She don’t know what she is, but she assum she is at least not straight,” my dghter reported. “She has a csh on this kid who was born a girl but who is now a boy, so she assum she is …” she psed, searchg for the right scriptor. “At least bi.” I practiced active listeng. Then I asked, Do you have any csh? “Not really. I don’t thk I’m gay, but I’m not sure if I’m straight. I thk I jt don’t like anyone at my school.”</p><p data-no-id="1" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">I lghed. Hashtag middle school, amIre? But I also teared up a ltle. “Wow, mt feel great for your iend to have someone to nfi about this,” I told her. “I might be a totally different person today if I’d had a iend to talk wh openly about my sexualy and sir at your age.” My dghter rolled her ey at that pot, bee A) as an 11-year-old, she’s required to do so, and B) tweens don’t like when you emote or exprs sentiments that might embarrass them — aka, talk.</p><p data-no-id="2" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">I me out as a lbian my junr year of llege, when I was nearly a olr than my dghter is now. At her age, I didn’t intify as at-least-bi, or maybe-straight. I didn’t “intify” at all, much ls qutn my sexualy or my genr. It never occurred to me. I was by beg a sixth grar wh too-big glass, tryg to avoid beg the least popular kid the room.</p><p data-no-id="3" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">In part, I wasn’t velopmentally there — I didn’t yet harbor any sexual feelgs. I wasn’t one of those kids who knows wh certaty at age four that they’re different. But growg up the mid-’80s suburbs of Dallas, and then San Diego, I also didn’t have a template for such nversatns.</p><p data-no-id="4" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">We didn’t talk about beg gay my fay, but then, we also didn’t talk about beg straight. My parents divorced when I was a baby. Afterward, my dad remarried and stayed Texas. When I was 11, my mom and I moved to California. Over the next ten years, Mom worked and had a boyiend or two, but we weren’t one of those touchy-feely progrsive-talky hoeholds. This was the Reagan ‘80s: Beg gay wasn’t somethg one felt fortable openly aspirg to, but my hoe at least, wasn’t somethg to be reviled or feared, eher. It was mostly a void. I’d never met a gay person, that I knew of anyway, except my mother’s hairdrser (everyone’s hairdrser the ‘80s was gay, right?) and one of her female boss, which wouldn’t be revealed to me until I was olr. Gay inty for me was a plete unknown, sort of like the ast of Italy, the magic and mystery of which I would not disver until years later when I had a passport.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="5" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1eiql25">{text-align:center;marg:0rem;paddg-top:0.9375rem;paddg-bottom:0.9375rem;}</style><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 1h5xk02">{font-fay:GTWalsheim,Helveti,sans-serif;font-size:1.625rem;font-weight:bold;le-height:1.2;marg:0rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.75rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.875rem;le-height:1.2;}} b, strong{font-fay:her;font-weight:bold;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}</style><blockquote class="css-1h5xk02 e1pe3zr90">It took years to adm I didn’t want to be a cheerlear, I wanted to be wh a cheerlear.</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="6" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">When I started to velop feelgs for girls — well to my late teens — I had no language for what I was experiencg. But my dghter, jt her first this world, has acquired a lany of termology. She returned om sleepaway mp last summer and announced, “Everyone my bunk is bi, pan, ace, or mi.” I had to google some of this verbiage. (“Demisexuals,” for the rerd, do not experience sexual attractn unls they form an emotnal nnectn.) “You’re fifth gra,” I sputtered. “How n there be so many signatns?!”</p><p data-no-id="7" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">In high school, outsi of my regular crew of iends, I was drawn to ol, nfint girls. Lears. I thought of myself as their oppose, but I wanted their approval. I wanted them to notice me, to be terted what I had to say. (Also, a way I uldn’t que put my fger on, I wanted them to not want boyiends.) Frhman year, I had a csh on a sophomore cheerlear, and tried out for the squad to be closer to her. This was one of my sillier cisns: Seeg as I uld barely do a rtwheel, I didn’t even make past the first round of cuts. It took years to adm I didn’t want to be a cheerlear — I wanted to be wh a cheerlear.</p><p data-no-id="8" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">I uldn’t expla the girl csh to my iends. Why did I get exced when I saw the edor of the school newspaper walk by? Why did I want to s by that girl chemistry that I wasn’t even iends wh? They wonred, and I wonred too — but not too much. Those feelgs lived a latent place, eply buried. I was lucky: My iends were able to accept me whout labelg me, an era which that was not the norm.</p><p data-no-id="9" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">When I got to llege at Northwtern 1989, the love that dare not speak s name wasn’t even whisperg to me yet. I didn’t learn the term “pulsory heterosexualy” until I took a women’s studi class junr year, and realized that that was exactly the mo I’d been operatg unr: The assumptn of heterosexualy as one’s natural state — and that anythg else is unfavorable. When my lightbulb moment arrived a few months later, was embarrassg s naiveté. At the Women’s Center, I’d met an olr stunt: An outspoken, radilly queer punk, who wore John Lennon glass, a sendhand leopard-prt at, and bat boots. One day while volunteerg at the center, I looked up om my dog-eared py of Adrienne Rich says — heapg cliché upon cliché, I know —and said somethg ludicro to her, which I roughly remember as: “I would totally be a lbian if I uld have sex wh women.” She sffed, no doubt thkg, Get a life, you sorory dumb fuck. But what she actually said was, “You CAN have sex wh women! I do all the time.”</p><p data-no-id="10" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">That acquatance — who would go on to bee one of my (non-mi) lovers and close iends — gave me the permissn to fally see my sire. To give a name, to utter aloud, and then to shout , lerally, the streets (for me, g out was synonymo wh queer activism — marchg, prottg, chantg, kissg public). Lettg that sire out to the world, givg air and nourishment, validated . It showed me, for the first time, that who I was and what I wanted were not only OK, they were posive and healthy. That’s what g out is: A claratn that livg your life as thentilly as possible is a worthwhile goal, one that everyone serv to pursue. </p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="11" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-1h5xk02 e1pe3zr90">Comg out is a claratn that livg your life as thentilly as possible is a worthwhile goal</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="12" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">It’s difficult to expla what g out feels like to someone who hasn’t experienced , but an apt metaphor for me is that I had been livg darkns, sometim fear and secrecy — until a magnificent sun emerged and illumated my realy. It’s not that my life before g out, adolcence and llege, were opprsive or torturo. But after g to terms wh my inty, I lived my days — my relatnships, my work, my leisure, all of — much more fully and tthfully. I’d spent the first two years of llege blowg off amics, tryg to nnect wh other people while navigatg an uncerta inty, and my gras and acplishments reflected that. After g out, I appreciated all of my opportuni that much more, and by parison, thrived amilly and socially. </p><p data-no-id="13" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">In the two s sce that iend showed me, by example, what was possible as a lbian, our untry has wnsed lifetim’ worth of possibily and progrs. And so has my dghter. Progrsive brownstone Brooklyn is her basele. She’s grown up wh two moms, among iends who have both queer and non-queer parents, and her short lifetime has already observed the quickly-evolvg trans movement. Y, her iends intify as bi or pan or mi, some more tradnally gay — some even straight! Some transned to a different genr inty even before enterg sixth gra. In the same way that seeg a woman n for Print allows girls to visualize the route to the Whe Hoe as a potential life trajectory, my dghter’s ia of what is possible, what is “normal,” is based on experienc and nversatns that have permeated her upbrgg. And by what she se moled by olr children our muny.</p><p data-no-id="14" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Our next-door-neighbor’s dghter, now at llege, ed to babys our dghter and our son, who is now 9. When the babyster was about 15, she mentned to our children that she was seeg a girl at school. The next year, she may have been datg a boy. Or not. She uld have been a lbian, or not — didn’t really matter eher way to our children. Their takeaway was that a teenage girl’s inty uld exist on a spectm. Our kids’ current babyster, another dghter of another neighbor, is a high school junr who wears a rabow button on her khaki ary-style jacket. I haven’t asked if she intifi as LGBTQ. I’m not sure how my iend’s son intifi eher. But he wears a T-shirt wh a trendy LGBTQ-rights slogan on , bee his eighth gra world ’s ol to enurage people to live their liv openly and wh pri. Our children posss the tools to engage more sophistited nversatns about inty than I did until well to my 20s. </p><p data-no-id="15" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">My life has turned out jt fe — better than fe, most days. But I sometim wonr if might’ve been different had I e to terms wh my inty earlier life. Maybe I’d have been more experimental high school. Maybe I’d have applied to smaller, more progrsive universi, or women’s lleg. Maybe I wouldn’t have pledged a sorory; maybe I’d have jump-started my New York Cy life earlier. Or maybe nothg at all would be different. It’s impossible to know. But I do know that growg up an environment which I believed that whomever I experimented wh or loved or partnered wh was a normal and natural part of my journey, would have been fortg to me as a tween, or a teen, and even as woman my 20s, playg tch-up to figure all out. </p><p data-no-id="16" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"></p><p data-no-id="17" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">My dghter don’t intify as anythg yet, except maybe mil-theater-nerd and Kelly Clarkson superfan — also important blocks inty buildg. But a place of fort is one I am proud my children are growg up , even when leads to nversatns that are velopmentally premature, or mak me a ltle uneasy.</p><p data-no-id="18" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"></p><p data-no-id="19" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"></p><p data-no-id="20" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong><em>Get Shondaland directly your box</em>: <style data-emotn="css 174xt20">{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:#fff;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;display:le-block;background-lor:#B20B16;font-fay:GTWalsheim,Helveti,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1;font-weight:bold;letter-spacg:0.05em;marg:0rem;paddg:0.6rem 0.7rem;text-transform:upperse;width:to;}{lor:#fff;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;background-lor:#000000;}{outle-lor:body-cta-btn-lk-foc;}</style><a href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="SUBSCRIBE TODAY" rel="nofollow" data-href=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" class="body-btn-lk css-174xt20 et3p2gv0">SUBSCRIBE TODAY</a></strong></p></div></div><style data-emotn="css 6b9rfj">{display:block;-webk-flex-basis:lc((100vw - 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