How to Cope When You're Gay and Lonely | GQ

Contents:

• OP-ED: SIX REASONS WHY SUCKS TO BE A GAY MAN
• WHY IT’S MORE DIFFICULT BEG GAY TODAY THAN IT WAS 20 YEARS AGO
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU'RE GAY AND LONELY
• I LIKE GUYS BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE GAY. HOW DO I STOP BEG GAY?
• WHAT’S GOOD ABOUT BEG GAY?: PERSPECTIV OM YOUTH
• ‘I AM GAY – BUT I WASN’T BORN THIS WAY’
• HOW TO ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE GAY
• WHAT DO IT MEAN TO BE A GAY MAN?
• WHY ARE PEOPLE GAY? GAY BY CHOICE OR IS BEG GAY GEIC?
• BEG GAY: A LIFE STYLE CHOICE?

OP-ED: SIX REASONS WHY SUCKS TO BE A GAY MAN

In the grand scheme of the gay rights movement, the men often fail to realize the people that are tly makg a difference are the on that maybe aren't "fabulo" enough to make the ve list to your next really wants to s wh you, anyway.

Cultural factors will also be at play: Asian culture is much ls fortable wh overt sexualy so let’s assume the one third (the Asian proportn of Auckland’s populatn) of them who are Asian, so 10, 000 -which anyway seems rather optimistic- are ls likely to be openly gay and available for that there are webs for gay male Asians to marry gay Asian lbians one n also anticipate there may also be plitns, like the fact one’s gay male partner is ostensibly married to a woman the ey of his fay, for example!

Now, Dad, I have to tell you that’s gog too far, but I do actually know of gay men who have talked about returng to the (sexls) relatnships wh their former wiv bee of the challeng they have faced tryg to build succsful gay relatnships once they’ve left their marriag.

WHY IT’S MORE DIFFICULT BEG GAY TODAY THAN IT WAS 20 YEARS AGO

Few gay men will not have personal experience of the relentls pursu of the asm leadg to behavurs that n have a hugely trimental effect on gay mens’ liv, and negatively impactg on the tst that endurg relatnships so pend upon.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU'RE GAY AND LONELY

Sgle and disuraged is not exactly where I expected to be twenty years after g out (and thirty years after Homosexual Law Reform), bee while the legal reforms that have taken place have created a ntext where discrimatn is no longer legal, the challeng facg gay men as we plot the roadmaps of the unchartered terrory of gay liv are enormo. Addnal primary them and sub-them were intified wh each tegory that further illtrate how gay/bisexual youth were able to velop posive nceptualizatns of their sexual orientatn spe experiencg negative societal msag about beg gay/bisexual. When the fluenc are negative, psychologil distrs among adolcents may rult, pecially for those youth who intify as lbian, gay, or bisexual (Almeida, Johnson, Corliss, Molnar & Azrael, 2009; Hershberger & D’Augelli, 1995; Ueno, 2005).

One study that addrsed this topic prented riliency strategi among lbian, gay, bisexual, and transgenr (LGBT) young people North Wt England and South Wal wh the ntext of hetero-normative environments (Surfield, Roen & McDermott, 2008). The thors assert that even though the young men were livg a hetero-normative Puerto Rin culture wh pervasive homophobia and cultural stigma, they veloped riliency strategi that helped them to overe potential obstacl. This was one of the few studi found to prent riliency strategi veloped by gay/bisexual adolcents to bat negative social and cultural ntug rearch is need on the velopmental challeng faced by LGB adolcents, pecially those who are also members of other opprsed groups such as youth of lor, a parallel le of scientific quiry is also need to explore the strengths and rilienci monstrated by LGB youth.

I LIKE GUYS BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE GAY. HOW DO I STOP BEG GAY?

Such limatns do not allow for a more nuanced unrstandg of the current lived experienc of LGB youth’s inty exploratn procs, as has been seen more recent qualative studi of sexual orientatn inty (Ja, Harper, Fernanz, & the ATN, 2009)The purpose of the current study is to provi sights to the posive nceptualizatns that gay/bisexual male adolcents posss regardg their sexual orientatn inty utilizg qualative phenomenologil and nstctivist ameworks. Although we did quire about the full range of perceptns and experienc related to sexual orientatn inty the larger study om which the data were extracted, we chose to foc solely on the posive aspects of posssg a gay/bisexual sexual orientatn inty for the current vtigatn given the lack of empiril data foced specifilly on riliency-related factors among gay/bisexual male adolcents. Sce prr rearch also has monstrated that sexual orientatn inty velopment for female adolcents and adults is different than that of male adolcents and adults (Diamond, 2005; Diamond & Sav-Williams, 2000; Schneir, 2001), we also foc this vtigatn exclively on gay/bisexual male adolcents.

In orr to take part the study, participants met the followg eligibily creria: 1) be blogilly male; 2) be between the ag of 14 and 22; 3) self-intify as Ain Amerin, Hispanic/Lato, or Whe non-Hispanic/European Amerin; 4) self-intify as gay, bisexual, or qutng; 5) have no knowledge of beg HIV posive; 6) live the Chigo or Miami metropolan area; and 7) read and unrstand English. The youth reprented the qualative subsample of adolcents who participated a larger mixed-methods rearch study foced on multiple inty velopment and sexual risk/protectn among gay/bisexual male adolcents, which was nducted wh the Adolcent Trials Network for HIV/AIDS Interventns.

WHAT’S GOOD ABOUT BEG GAY?: PERSPECTIV OM YOUTH

The ame was stratified by age (14–17, 18–20, and 21–22), level of gay/bisexual sexual orientatn inty (low and high), and race/ethnicy (Ain Amerin, European Amerin, and Lato) orr to produce a sample that reprents velopmental and inty-related variatns. (Sean, 21 year old, Eastern European gay male)Another participant who mented on nnectedns wh femal argued that the reason for this closens is the fact that straight men typilly beiend women for sexual purpos, while gay men do not. Um, 's, 's very easy to, to, when you do fd somebody that is, that is very siar to yourself, 's very easy to fd a nnectn wh them bee they've endured a lot of the same hardships that you have and, and you, and 's easy to talk, I feel like 's very easy to talk to somebody else who is gay, bee they've experienced a lot of the same thgs that I have g and velopg their inty.

(Patrick, 20 year old, Whe gay male)Riliency the Face of Gay-Related OpprsnAlthough many of the youth foced on posive nceptualizatns of beg gay/bisexual, some intified ways which they had monstrated riliency the face of opprsn. The followg youth talks about the fun he has wh his iends who are not gay/bisexual and emphasiz that a cril aspect of his relatnship wh them is that they do not “judge” him or hold negative views of gay/bisexual people. Emotnal self-re was discsed the ntext of acknowledgg and beg aware of the negative emotnal impact of heterosexist societal msag on them as gay/bisexual young men, and then buildg ristance strategi to such pervasive negativy.

Bee there's a lot of homophobic people out there (Jose, 19 year old, Hispanic queer male)Physil self-re was typilly discsed the ntext of physil appearance and sexual health, such as rryg ndoms orr to protect one om sexually transmted fectns. (Kev, 21 year old, Multiracial bisexual male)Gay/bisexual youth who reported the rejectn of stereotyp as another form of riliency strsed the importance of velopg a posive sense of self that is not rtricted by societal msag regardg what gay/bisexual men “should” do, thk, and feel.

‘I AM GAY – BUT I WASN’T BORN THIS WAY’

Exampl of such munal efforts may clu the anizatn of polil ralli and public foms or participatn tnal enavors to discs issu primarily affectg LGBT discsg their sexual inti, many participants scribed exampl of societal margalizatn and discrimatn of gay/bisexual people that is nsistent wh prev rearch (c.

Neverthels, spe difficulti, most participants strived to bat societal forc wh the help of social works, rercg earlier fdgs on rilienci and pg strategi employed by gay/bisexual male youth (Surfield et al., 2008; Toro-Alfonso et al., 2006).

HOW TO ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE GAY

Addnally, unlike past rearch, fdgs monstrated participants’ emphasis on actively ristg discrimatn, which uld serve as another potential pg strategy or source of om this study n be ed to shed light on broar issu of social and cultural ponents of gay/bisexual male adolcents’ sense of self and self-acceptance, which may fluence healthy adolcent velopment. The study’s fdgs offer a clearer unrstandg of how societal msag play a role gay/bisexual male youths’ self perceptns and offer sight to ways to improve the healthy functng of gay/bisexual youth by challengg negative societal fdgs may also offer rmatn for the velopment of mental and physil health promotn programs that emphasize the posive aspects of gay/bisexual sexual orientatn inty, and the role that self acceptance n play promotg healthy thoughts and behavrs. One example of such a program is the Mpowerment Project, which is a wily ed sexual health promotn terventn that clus a foc on enhancg gay/bisexual young men’s acceptance of their sexual orientatn utilizg muny mobilizatn and peer-based strategi orr to addrs unique munal needs and empower s members (Kegel, Hays, & Coat, 1996; Kegel, Hays, Pollack, Coat, 1999) orr for programs to be succsful, dividuals workg wh gay/bisexual dividuals mt be sensive to issu unique to LGB youth populatns.

By unrstandg the varied msag that gay/bisexual male adolcents receive about their sexual orientatn and how they tegrate this rmatn to their self perceptn, dividuals workg wh gay/bisexual male youth will be better prepared for helpg them to velop a healthy sense of self. Furthermore, social service and health re provirs should be aware of muny nnectns that support healthy inty velopment orr to assist adolcents makg cril social support rmatn prented this study advanc our unrstandg of factors that fluence the self-perceptns of sexual orientatn inty among gay/bisexual youth. In addn, this sample was rtricted to male youth; therefore, the life experienc of lbian and bisexual young women were not summary, the current data suggt that spe experienc of LGB-related opprsn and margalizatn, gay/bisexual male youth are able to synthize their experienc orr to nstct a more posive sexual orientatn inty.

WHAT DO IT MEAN TO BE A GAY MAN?

The data speak to the need to enurage and promote more rearch that explor the liv of gay/bisexual youth utilizg a strengths-based wellns mol orr to provi a more prehensive view of gay/bisexual youth’s velopment (Marszalek & Cashwell, 1999; Rof, 2005). While ntued rearch on the challeng that gay/bisexual youth face is still need orr to rm future terventns and public policy, the studi should be ut not to view gay/bisexual youth through a fic-foced lens which prents gay/bisexual youth as ferr to heterosexual youth. Instead, rearchers should strive to ntextualize the life experienc and physil/mental health out of gay/bisexual youth by explorg the potentially negative fluence of progrsg through cril velopmental phas while livg heterosexist and opprsive environments.

In addn, studi foced on negative physil and mental health out should strive not only to explore risk factors for such out, but also exame riliency-based factors which may offer sights to how some gay/bisexual youth are able to thrive the face of qualative and quantative rearch foced on the velopment of a posive sexual orientatn inty among gay/bisexual youth is need. Harper () is Profsor the Department of Psychology and Director of the Master of Public Health Program at DePl Universy, and his rearch and muny work foc on givg voice to the social jtice needs of young people, pecially gay/bisexual male youth.

WHY ARE PEOPLE GAY? GAY BY CHOICE OR IS BEG GAY GEIC?

You so obvly nnot be gay, was her implitn, bee this is good was 2006, a full five years before Lady Gaga would set the Born This Way argument atop s unassailable cultural perch, but even then the popular unrstandg of orientatn was that was somethg you were born wh, somethg you uldn’t change. But what feels most accurate to say is that I’m gay – but I wasn’t born this people may fd their sir changg directn - and n't jt be explaed as experimentatn (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)In 1977, jt over 10% of Amerins thought gayns was somethg you were born wh, acrdg to Gallup.

Throughout the same perd, the number of Amerins who believe homosexualy is “due to someone’s upbrgg/environment” fell om jt unr 60% to ias reached cril mass pop culture, first wh Lady Gaga’s 2011 Born This Way and one year later wh Macklemore’s Same Love, the chos of which has a gay person sgg “I n’t change even if I tried, even if I wanted to.

BEG GAY: A LIFE STYLE CHOICE?

”People who challenge the Born This Way narrative are often st as homophobic, and their thkg is nsired backwardAs Jane Ward not Not Gay: Sex Between Straight Whe Men, what’s tertg about many of the claims is how transparent their speakers are wh their polil motivatns. In fact, the homophobic and non-homophobic rponnts he studied shared siar levels of belief a Born This Way Samantha Allen not at The Daily Beast, the growg public support for gays and lbians has grown out of proportn wh the rise the number of people who believe homosexualy is fixed at birth; would be unlikely that this small change opn uld expla the spike support for gay marriage, for stance. “It don’t seem to matter as much whether or not people believe that gay people are born that way as do that they simply know someone who is currently gay, ” Allen spe of the studi, those who ph agast Born This Way narrativ have been heavily cricised by gay activists.