Joe Kort, Ph.D., talks about his new book, "Is My Hband Gay, Straight, or Bi?"
Contents:
- CAN SOMEONE BE HOMOSEXUAL AND NOT GAY?
- NOT ALL GAY MEN HAVE ANAL SEX
- IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?
- HOW TO TACKLE GAY RELATNSHIP PROBLEMS
- IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
- HOW TO HAVE A GAY OR LBIAN RELATNSHIP
CAN SOMEONE BE HOMOSEXUAL AND NOT GAY?
Although I have always enjoyed dog upl work wh gay men, I am hardly a specialist this area. So at tim when I’ve had qutns I’ve turned to my lleagu Rick Miller and Clton Power. Rick’s practice the Boston area specializ work wh gay men and Clton’s… * gay relationship with no sex *
Homosocial bonds between two femal or two mal might well exceed strength and endurance normative iendships and, some circumstanc, match or surpass heterosexual romanc. So when we therapists are nonted wh male clients, often married on, who e to wh ep nflicts about their sexual attractn to other men, we often fd that they are willg to e the word “homosexual, ” but chew the “gay” label.
Unfortunately, much of our natn’s polics have long exacerbated the problem as well, shamg and vilifyg homosexualy, leadg legns of men stgglg wh sexual inty to ternalize their homophobia. I warned them of the pfalls of keepg their sexual orientatn secret: a life of creased prsn, pursug a secret life the gay unrground wh the danger of beg ught, how attemptg to supprs urg n often e them to bee even more obssed wh them. I have treated many men who are of Mormon, Orthodox Jewish, Catholic, and other religns who thk of homosexualy as a pathology.
NOT ALL GAY MEN HAVE ANAL SEX
* gay relationship with no sex *
They may need, om time to time, to seek further therapy, but wh the right therapist, one who has thoroughly unrstood the dangers of such practic of “reparative therapy” which the therapist seeks to change the client’s sexual inty om gay to straight. Bee the labels “homosexual” or “gay” rry such a stigma, some of the men seek help for their “sex addictn” and see their homosexualy as an actg out of same-sex urg. Rick’s practice the Boston area specializ work wh gay men and Clton’s Sydney serv the LBGTQ for this month’s blog, I reached out to Rick and Clton to help rears who work primarily wh heterosexual upl and want to expand your knowledge base for helpg gay men.
I’ll start wh some of Rick’s sights on mon issu for gay male upl and follow up wh a set of qutns om Clton that open munitn l and pave the way for your Miller has been a popular prenter at the annual Coupl Conferenc that we -sponsor wh the Milton Erickson Foundatn.
Last year his prentatn was amed around potentially difficult nversatns a therapist might iate wh gay upl the areas of sex, money and vulnerabily. I know om my own practice and also om the many s therapists have brought to me for nsultatn that the issu n be pecially challengg to heterosexual therapists workg wh gay upl.
IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?
Are you havg a tough time alg wh gay relatnship problems? Like hetrosexual upl same sex upl have their own set of relatnship problems. This article entails the relatnship stggl of gay upl and provis tips for alg wh them. * gay relationship with no sex *
Wtern culture supports strength men and beltl ep ternal vulnerabily or is pound by the ternalized shame rried by most gay men. For example:No gay upl are monogamoGay upl don’t have sexls relatnshipsAll gay men like anal sexGay men don’t have erectn issuHe suggted openg the topic of sexualy wh some ial you open or monogamo?
Clton’s QutnsI recently asked Clton Power to give me a list of qutns that heterosexual therapists might not know to ask gay upl. Here are some excellent qutns he gave me for your fortable are you wh showg affectn to each other public, such as holdg hands, kissg, huggg, or acknowledgg publicly you're a gay uple? I thk evinced-based approach don’t take the perspective of specific suatns like specific challeng of the gay, lbian etc muni.
I appreciate that this article begs to open up potentially hidn issu gay male partnerships, and to dispel myths about such partnerships.
HOW TO TACKLE GAY RELATNSHIP PROBLEMS
Is my hband gay? is an unthkable qutn to many wiv, and some hbands do turn out to be gay. Learn the signs of a gay hband. * gay relationship with no sex *
I see both hetero and gay upl and I don’t treat them any different however, as I am gatherg and asssg, I will ask qutns relevant to that uple. I too see a lot of siari between workg wh straight and gay upl, but the ma difference the gay male upl I work wh is they often place a lot of importance on sex and prent for therapy when there are sexual problems, betrayal issu, they want to explore and negotiate some form of non-monogamy, or a non-monogamo arrangement is not workg. In fact, oral sex and mutual masturbatn are more monly reported behavrs than anal stimulatn among gay men long-term relatnships.
And while some people stereotypilly view anal stimulatn as an act associated wh gay men, anal sex is a sexual behavr, not tied to a group of people or a specific sexual orientatn.
In terms of anal sex specifilly, ’s good to reerate that not all gay men enjoy anal peratn, and many folks who don’t intify as gay men really enjoy anal sex.
IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
Enterg to a gay relatnship is much the same as enterg to any relatnship. Two people meet and get to know each other. Some thgs never change, even if the partners are of the same genr. Date first. More than once. A mon... * gay relationship with no sex *
It’s also worth notg that bee there’s ls accsible rmatn out there about what queer sex looks like, young lbian, gay, bisexual, transgenr, and queer (LGBTQ+) people might have trouble imagg what sex might look like for them, outsi of stereotyp, porn, or other media reprentatns. In his Royal Oaks, Michigan, practice, Joe specializ Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy and IMAGO Relatnship Therapy, often treatg men who are qutng their sexual orientatn.
And I thk ’s very important to state right here that I’m a gay man, yet here I am sayg that most of the time the men who are beg sexual wh other men aren’t gay. ” I always joke wh clients that for me, as a gay man, when I’m walkg on the beach and checkg people out, the women are the way.
HOW TO HAVE A GAY OR LBIAN RELATNSHIP
The Gottmans have ma a mment to assurg that lbian and gay upl have rourc to help strengthen and support their relatnships. * gay relationship with no sex *
Wh gay clients, they say they feel the same way; wh bisexual clients, they say they’re lookg at both the men and the women; wh straight clients, they say they’re lookg only at the women. When a man is a long-term relatnship wh a woman but beg sexual wh men, eher lookg at porn or havg actual sex, he eher will or won’t be homophobic.
A lot of tim the gay men never even make to me (whout promptg om their wife, anyway) bee they’re riddled wh homophobia and I’m too gay for them. A gay guy wants to do all of that wh a man, a bisexual guy might want a man or a woman, and the straight guy wants to only be wh a woman that way. So this is a way of bondg wh men—ironilly, through sex—and happens not bee the man is gay but bee he don’t know any other way to get this need met.
Eher they’re worried that their man will eventually ci he’s gay and end the relatnship, or they want monogamy, and his cheatg is a threat to the marriage regardls of who he’s dog wh. And I should pot out here that the men when they’re engagg this behavr (regardls of whether they’re gay, straight or bi) nearly always tell themselv that what they’re dog is not cheatg bee they’re dog wh a guy. Some issu unique to a gay relatnshipGay marriage problems and solutnsGenr rol may not be clearly fedChildren om a prev relatnship.