Mr. Mackey Quote - 'Mr. Mackey is gay.' OK, kids, that's no... | Quote Catalog

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• ERECTN DAYSOUTH PARKTRACK 7 ON SEASON 9 FEATURGTREY PARKERAPR. 20, 20051 VIEWER2 CONTRIBUTORSERECTN DAY LYRICS[SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY, DAY. THE SCHOOL BELL RGS]COUNSELOR MACKEY:N'KAY, KIDS, AS YOUR UNSELOR, I KNOW N SOMETIM BE DIFFICULT TO TALKABOUT SUBJECTS LIKE DGS AND SEX ANDALHOL, M'KAY? SO, AS YOU REMEMBER,LAST WEEK I TOLD YOU TO WRE DOWN ANYDIFFICULT QUTNS YOU HAD AND PUTTHEM THIS BOX ANONYMOLY SO WE ULDDISCS CLASS, M'KAY? I GOT A LOTO' RPONS, SO LET'S READ SOME ALOUD."MR. MACKEY IS GAY." OKAY KIDS, THATIS NOT FUNNY! UNKAY?! THIS BOX IS SUPPOSEDTO BE ED FOR SER QUTNS! ABOUT,ABOUT SER ISSU! M'KAY, LET'S LET'SSTOP THE TOMFOOLERY! M'KAY, THIS LOOKSLIKE A REAL ONE HERE. "DEAR MR. MACKEY,YOU ARE GAY." ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.THAT'S ENOUGH, KIDS. LET'S QUIET DOWNAND TRY TO BE MATURE, 'KAY? UH HEREWE GO. OKAY, "MR. MACKEY, SOMETIMMY PARENTS H ME, AND YOU ARE GAY."DAMN, IS THERE NOT ONE SER QUTN HERE?! "MR. MACKEY IS GAY, MR. MACKEYIS GAY" OKAY, HERE. I AM A BOY ATSOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY. SOMETIM, WHENI'M STG CLASS, MY PENIS BEHARD FOR NO REASON. WHAT SHOULD I DO?ALL RIGHT KIDS, ALL RIGHT KIDS, THAT'SENOUGH! IF YOU ALL N'T BE SERABOUT THE QUTN BOX, THEN WE'LLJT DO DG INTIFITN EXERCIS,UNKAY?!CLASS:AWWWWW!COUNSELOR MACKEY:M'KAY, UHH, JIMMY, WHY DON'T YOU P HERE AND WRE DOWN THE NAM OFTWO NARTICS?JIMMY:UH NO, THAT THAT'S OKAY, MR. MACKEY.COUNSELOR MACKEY:JIMMY, I'M NOT ASKG YOU, I'M TELLGYOU!JIMMY:UHHH, JT UH UH AHH NOT RIGHT THISSEND, MR. MACKEY.COUNSELOR MACKEY:WELL WHY THE HELL NOT?!JIMMY:UH...COUNSELOR MACKEY:HE'S WHAT... OH, YOU DO? R R RIGHT NOW,RIGHT NOW IS? ON'KAY, ON'KAY. DON'TWORRY, JIMMY. N'KAY, UHHH, LET'S PICKSOMEONE ELSE, UM. ERIC, WHY DON'T YOUE UP HERE?CARTMAN:HEY, THAT'S BULLCRAP?! HOW E JIMMYDON'T HAVE TO DO ?!COUNSELOR MACKEY:WELL, BEE UH, JIMMY IS PCHGA TENT RIGHT NOW.STAN:HE'S WHAT??[SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY HALLWAY. KIDS LG AROUND NOTICE APOSTER ON THE PEGBOARD AMONG THE LOCKERS AND TALK AMONGST THEMSELV.]STAN:A HUNDRED DOLLAR GIFT CERTIFITE TOSOUTH PARK MALL? MAYBE WE SHOULD DOTHE TALENT SHOW.KYLE:WELL, WHAT'S THE POT? JIMMY ALWAYSWS WH HIS STAND-UP EDY.JIMMY:HEY FELLAS.STAN:DU, DIDJA SEE, JIMMY? THEY'RE GIVGAWAY A HUNDRED DOLLAR FIRST PRIZE FORTHE TALENT SHOW.JIMMY:OH I SURE HAVE. I'VE BEEN WORKG ONMY H... H,,, ROUTE ALL YEAR LONGKYLE:I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO , DU. HOWDO YOU GET UP ONT OF THAT MANYPEOPLE?JIMMY:WELL FELLAS, ENTERTAMENT IS MY LIFE.I LOVE BEG ONT OF EVERYONE.AAAH!KYLE:HUH WUH, WHAT'S THE MATTER?JIMMY:I GOTTA GUH, I GOTTA GO! SEE YA FELLAS.EH, EXCE ME! EVUH EVUH - EXCUH, CUH,CE ME! EXCE ME, PUH-PLEASE.CRAIG:IT'S OCCUPIED.CARTMAN:NO ROOM AT THE N, VIRG MARY.BUTTERS:HEHEY JIMMY! M'BOY, DID YOU SEE THATFIRST PRIZE FOR THE TALENT SHOW? WHYYOU MT BE EXCED! YOU'LL PROBABLYW LIKE ALWAYS.JIMMY:YEAH. YEAH, I'M REAL EXCED. REAL CED...FOR SOME REASON... OH, J! WHAT'SWRONG WH ME?BUTTERS:HEY, WHO'S DROPP' BOMBS THERE?!HOW ABOUT A URTY FLH?!CARTMAN:UP YOURS, BUTTERS.[JIMMY'S HOE, AFTERNOON. JIMMY WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR AND SIGHS.HIS PARENTS ARE ON THE SOFA. HIS MOM READS A BOOK, HIS DAD ANEWSPAPER]SARAH:HEY JIMMY, HOW WAS SCHOOL?JIMMY:FE, MOM.RYAN:JIMMY, WE UNRSTAND YOU'RE GETTGERECTNS THE CLASSROOM.JIMMY:WHAT? UH WHO TOLD YOU THAT?RYAN:MR. MACKEY, YOUR UNSELOR.JIMMY:AW J-J-J-J...J-J!RYAN:NOW, JIMMY, 'S NOTHG TO BE ASHAMEDOF. BUT WE KNOW 'S SOMETHG YOU MIGHTHAVE A HARD TIME TALKG ABOUT. GET? A HARD TIME. SO, WE TOOK YOUR UNSELOR'SADVICE 'ND LLED DOCTOR PAL TO HELP ALL TALK ABOUT THIS.JIMMY:DZ-N-DOCTOR PAL?DOCTOR PAL:HEY JIMMY, I'M DOCTOR PAL. THAT'S BEEI'M A DOCTOR, BUT I'M ALSO YOUR PAL.ARE WE OL?JIMMY:UH, SURE?DOCTOR PAL:A LOT OF TIM PARENTS LL ME BEEI N RELATE TO YOUNGER KIDS. I'M I'MDOWN, I'M DOPE, YOU DIG? NOW, I UNRSTANDYOU HAVE SOME NCERNS ABOUT ERECTNS."OOPS, N'T SAY ERECTN ONTOF THE PARENTS RIGHT. OH GOD, I FEELSO WEIRD" HUH?JIMMY:WELL, A LTLE, Y.DOCTOR PAL:JIMMY, THERE'S NOTHG WEIRD ABOUT RANDOMERECTNS. ALMOST EVERY BOY GO THROUGHA PHASE WHERE HIS PENIS BE HARD...FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON. IT'S JTPART OF GRWOG UP. GROWG UP? GROWGOUT IS MORE LIKE .JIMMY:BUT I HAVE TO MAKE STOP! THE TALENTSHOW IS THIS F-FRIDAY.DOCTOR PAL:TELL YOU WHAT, MOM AND DAD, WHY DON'TYOU SKIDADDLE FOR A TICK AND LET HIPSTERS TALK PRIVO.RYAN:A-ALL RIGHT, E ON, HONEY.DOCTOR PAL:JIMMY, AS YOU GET OLR YOUR BODY GOTHROUGH A LOT OF CHANG. CERTA HORMONSTART TO RELEASE AS YOUR WHOLE REPRODUCTIVYSTEM BEGS TO AWAKEN, AND SO, IFYOU LIKE, WE N TAKE OFF OUR SHIRTSAND KISS.JIMMY:KE...C-E AGA?DOCTOR PAL:OH, HEY, NOTH', YOU SEE? SEE, THATSET YOU OFF ON A DIFFERENT TANGENT,GOT YOU THK' A DIFFERENT WAY. THAT'SWHAT DOCTOR PAL IS HERE TO DO. UNLS,OF URSE, YOU THK WE SHOULD TAKEOFF OUR SHIRTS AND KISS.JIMMY:N-NO, I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRTAND KISSDOCTOR PAL:WELL THEN TO HELL WH YOU, KID. YOUN JT AL WH YOUR PROBLEMS ONYOUR OWN.[JIMMY'S HOE, NIGHT. HE'S FAST ASLEEP, AND WE SEE HIS DREAM]ANNOUNCER:NEXT UP FOR THE TALENT SHOW, PUT YOURHANDS TOGETHER FOR THE CREDIBLY TALENTEDJIMMY VALMER!JIMMY:WOW, WHAT A WHAT A GREAT DIENCE. SOAPPARENTLY MARTHA STEWART IS OUT OFJAIL. HAVE YOU HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUTTHIS, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS? SHE'S VERYEXCED TO GET STARTED ON HER NEW SHOW,"MARTHA STEWART LIVG, WH AN ELECTRONINKLE BRACELET." SO LOOKS LIKE THEVATIN HAS FALLY CHOSEN A NEW POPE.HAVE YOU SEEN THIS, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUTTHIS? A-A-APPARENTLY THEY'RE GOGTO LL HIM NEW POPE, A-AND REFER TOJOHN PL AS P-POPE CLASSIC. UH,..SO SO LOOKS LIKE MICHAEL JACKSONIS HAVG BACK PROBLEM URT. YONOW... HUH... YOU UH YOU KNOW WHATTHEY SAY ABOUT B-B-B-B-BACK PROBLEMS.UH, UH GEE, WHAT A TERRIFIC DIENCE.WHAT A FANTASTIC DIENCE.MRS. GARRISON:DON'T WORRY, JIMMY. WE'RE NOT LGHGWH YOU, WE'RE LGHG AT YOU.JIMMY:NUH UH! WUH. HUH. WAAAGH! UNGH![BUTTERS' HOE, DAY. HE'S PRACTICG HIS FAVORE SONG THEGARAGE WH SOME HELP OM HIS BOOM BOX. JIMMY APPROACH]BUTTERS:LU LU LU, I'VE GOT SOME APPL, LU LULU, YOU'VE GOT SOME TOO. LU LU LU, LET'SGET TOGETHER, I KNOW WHAT WE N DO,LU LU.JIMMY:BUTTERS!BUTTERS:OH! OH HEY, JIMMY. I'M JT PRACTIC'FOR THE TALENT SHOW.JIMMY:BUTTERS, AH I REALLY NEED TO TALK TOSOMEBODY, AND I THK MAYBE YOU'RE THEONLY PERSON WHO WON'T MAKE F-F-FUN OFME.BUTTERS:OH GOSH, I'D NEVER MAKE FUN OF SOMEBODYWH A PROBLEM.JIMMY:BUTTERS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSEDTO DO WHEN YOUR PENIS GETS HARD?BUTTERS:WELL SURE I DO.JIMMY:REALLY??BUTTERS:Y, NOW S DOWN, JIMMY, WE SHOULDHAVE A LTLE TALK. YOU SEE, JIMMY,WHEN A MAN'S PENIS BE HARD, THEMAN PUTS TO A LADY. INTO HER "VAGIIA."THEN, THE HARD PENIS SNEEZ K SITHE LADY'S TUMMY, AND AFTER 'S ALLDONE SNEEZ' K.THEPENIS STOPS BE'HARD, AND THE MAN LOS TERT THE LADY.JIMMY:SO, WHEN YOUR PENIS BE HARD, YOU'RUPPOSED TO PUT A LADY'S VAGA.AND THEN STOPS BEG HARD?BUTTERS:THAT'S RIGHT, JIMMY.JIMMY:BUT WHERE AM I GOG TO FD A LADYTO STICK MY PENIS ? THE TALENT SHOWIS THIS FRIDAY.[SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY, DAY. THE KIDS VIS THEIR LOCKERS TOCHANGE BOOKS.]GIRL:TALK TO YOU, BERTHA.BERTHA:OKAY, SEE YOU LATER, JSIE.JIMMY:HEY BERTHA.BERTHA:OH, HEY JIMMY. WHAT'S GO' ON?JIMMY:WELL BERTHA, I WAS WONRG IF I ULDSTICK MY PENIS YOUR VAGA?BERTHA:WHAT?? NO WAY!JIMMY:BUT THE TALENT SHOW IS TOMORROW! OOO!BERTHA:JERK!CARTMAN:JIMMY, JIMMY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOUDOG, MAN?JIMMY:I'M TRYG TO GET LAID. WHAT'S LOOKLIKE?CARTMAN:DU, YOU DON'T JT GO UP TO A GIRLAND ASK HER IF YOU N STICK YOUR PENIS HER VAGA. YE-YOU HAVE TO ASK HERON A DATE, TAKE HER OUT FOR SOME ITALIANFOOD.JIMMY:WOW, SEEMS LIKE YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUTTHIS STUFF, ERIC. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAIDBEFORE?CARTMAN:SURE, LOTS OF TIM. I'VE BEEN LAID,LIKE, FIVE THOAND TIM.JIMMY:WELL, WHA-WHAT DO I DO?CARTMAN:I TOLD YOU: A DATE AND THEN ITALIANFOOD. AND THEN YOU GOTTA MAKE HER THNKYOU'RE A GOOD LISTENER.JIMMY:ERIC, I N'T TELL YOU WHY, BUT 'SVERY IMPORTANT THAT I SRE TO-NIGHT!CAN YOU E ON THE DATE AND HELP ME?YOU'RE LIKE A WHE... HCH.CARTMAN:WHY SURE, THEY DO THIS ALL THE TIME MOVI AND TV SHOWS. YOU GO ON THEDATE AND WEAR AN EARPIECE, AND I'LLBE NEARBY, SECRETLY TELLG YOU ALLTHE RIGHT THGS TO SAY.JIMMY:WOW! THANKS, ERIC.[A HOE, NIGHT. A WOMAN IS READG A BOOK ON HER SOFA. THE DOORBELLRGS.]MOM:SHAWNA HONEY, I THK YOUR LTLE DATEIS HERE.SHAWNA:OKAY, MOM.JIMMY:HEY SHAWNA.SHAWNA:HI JIMMY.CARTMAN:OKAY JIMMY. FIRST OFF, TELL HER HOWGOOD SHE LOOKS.JIMMY:WOW, SHAWNA, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.SHAWNA:THANKS, JIMMY. WHERE ARE WE GOG?JIMMY:WE'RE GOG TO AN THENTIC ITALIANRTRANT, BU FAGGHECI[BU FAGGHECI, DNERTIME. JIMMY AND SHAWNA WA FOR SERVICEAT THEIR TABLE]WAITER:WELE TO BU FAGGHECI FOR THETHENTI EXPERIENCE ITALIANO. MY NAMEIS ROMA. CAN I START YOU OUT WH SOMELOTSA PASTA MARONI MIS?JIMMY:UH, I THK WE'RE GONNA TRY YOUR THENTICPIZZARELI SSERONA POPPERSWAITER:RIGHT AWAY.SHAWNA:YOU KNOW THAT GIRL SALLY RMAN AT OURSCHOOL? I N'T STAND HER.CARTMAN:JIMMY! JIMMY! JIMMY, EVEN THOUGH WHATSHE'S SAYG NOW ISN'T TERTG ATALL, YOU SAY, "WOW, THAT IS VERY TERTG.PLEASE TELL ME MORE."JIMMY:WOW, THAT IS VERY TERTG. PLEASETELL ME MORE.SHAWNA:REALLY? WELL, KELLIGAN BOUGHT THE SAMEPURSE AND I WAS LIKE, "NO WAY DO I WANT NOW!" BEE WHO WANTS A PURSE THATBOTH THEIR BT IENDS HAVE, RIGHT?AND SO-CARTMAN:ALL RIGHT, WHEN SHE STOPS YAPP' AGA,SAY "WOW, I'VE NEVER THOUGHT OF THATWAY BEFORE, BUT YOU'RE RIGHT."SHAWNA:-I GUS THAT'S WHY I FIGURED, "WHONEEDS IENDS LIKE THAT?"JIMMY:WOW, I'VE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT WAYBEFORE, BUT YOU'RE RIGHT.SHAWNA:IT'S LIKE I TOLD DEBBIE: "IF YOU'REGONNA GO OUT WH MY IENDS-"CARTMAN:ALL RIGHT JIMMY, WHEN SHE FALLY SHUTSHER TRAP AGA, I WANT YOU TO REPEATWHATEVER SHE SAID, AND THEN FOLLOW WH "WOW, HOW SIGHTFUL."SHAWNA:"AND SO IF YOU'RE GONNA BE THAT WAY,I DON'T NEED TO BE YOUR IEND."JIMMY:"IF YOU'RE GONNA BE THAT WAY, I DON'TNEED TO BE YOUR IEND." WOW, HOW SIGHTFUL.SHAWNA:YOU KNOW, JIMMY, YOU ARE A GREAT LISTENER.JIMMY:REALLY?SHAWNA:YEAH. I MEAN, NO OTHER BOYS REALLY MUNITELIKE YOU DO.JIMMY:OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU THK SO, SHAWNA,BEE I REALLY WANNA STICK MY PENIS YOUR VAGA.CARTMAN:Y, NICE, JIMMY, VERY NICE.SHAWNA:.. I'M NOT DOG THAT!JIMMY:BUT THE TALENT SHOW IS TOMORROW NIGHT!SHAWNA:CREEP!CARTMAN:AAAGH![SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY, NEXT EVENG. THE GYM IS SET UP FOR THETALENT SHOW AND THE WHOLE SCHOOL IS THERE. WELL, MOST OF THCHOOL...]MRS. GARRISON:WELE STUNTS AND PARENTS TO THEANNUAL SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY TALENTSHOW! WE HAVE A LOT OF LTLE TALEDPERFORMERS TO GET THROUGH, SO THE QUICKERYOU SHUT UP, THE QUICKER THIS WILL BEOVER! OKAY, FIRST UP WE HAVE BILLYTURNER, OM THE THIRD GRA, WHO WILLBE DOG AN ALTO SAX SOLO.[SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY, OUT ON THE ONT CURB. JIMMY SS THERUBBG. OFFICER BARBRADY'S POLICE R ROLLS GENTLY TOWARDS HIMAND STOPS. THE DRIVER DOOR OPENS AND OFFICER BARBRADY TOVIEW.]OFFICER BARBRADY:JIMMY? JIMMY VALMER?JIMMY:OH... HI, OFFICER B B-B-BUH B-B-BUHB-BARBRADY.OFFICER BARBRADY:JIMMY, WHAT ARE YOU DOG HERE? THETALENT SHOW IS SI.JIMMY:I'M... NOT GONNA PERFORM THE TALENTSHOW.OFFICER BARBRADY:NOT PERFORM? BUT JIMMY, YOU LOVE TALENTSHOWS. EVERYONE TOWN KNOWS THAT.JIMMY:I JT C-N'T RISK GETTG UP ONTOF EVERYONE.OFFICER BARBRADY:WHY?JIMMY:ALL RIGHT! I I KEEP GETTG AN ERECTNFOR NO REASON! OKAY! BUT I N'T GETANY OF THE GIRLS HERE TO LET ME... DO TO THEM.OFFICER BARBRADY:WELL OF URSE NOT, JIMMY. LITTLE GIRLSDON'T WANNA HAVE SEX.JIMMY:THEN WHY DO GOD MAKE SO THAT MYPENIS GETS HARD IF GIRLS DON'T WANNAHAVE THEIR VAGAS? IT'S LIKEA CEL JOKE.OFFICER BARBRADY:WELL, JIMMY, THE GIRLS HERE ARE YOUNGAND PURE. THEY'RE NOT LIKE THE LADIDOWN AT COLFAX POT.JIMMY:.. POT?OFFICER BARBRADY:WELL YEAH, THOSE WOMEN WILL HAVE SEXWH ANYBODY.JIMMY:REALLY? M-MAYBE I N TCH THE B.. GET DOWN THERE BEFORE THE TALENTSHOW ENDS. TH-THANKS, OFFICER BARBRADY!OFFICER BARBRADY:YOU'RE WELE, JIM. WA...[COLFAX POT, THE RED-LIGHT DISTRICT OF TOWN, NIGHT. CARSROLL BY AS OBE PROSTUT TRY TO GET CTOMERS. SHAPELY PROSTUTTRY AS WELL WHEN THE OBE ON ARE NIED. A BLACK WOMEN WEARGKNEE-HIGH BOOTS WALKS DOWN THE STREET TOWARDS THE MERA. SHEHAS BRILLIANT RED HAIR, BLACK VT AND BOOTS, AND CHEETAH-PRTSHORTS]VOICE-OVER:COLFAX POT.PIMPS AND HOS AND TRICKS ROWSWOMEN WALK THE STREET WH RNS ON THEIR FEETBROKEN DREAMS AND NO ICE CREAMS[A R STOPS ONT OF A WOMAN BUILT LIKE A BRICK MANSN]HO:YOU LOOK' FOR A DATE?JIMMY:HELLO? HELLO? I NEED TO PUT MY ...P-PENIS A WOMAN'S VAGA. ANY TAKERS? EXCEME, MA'AM. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?PROSTITUTE:THEY LL ME NUT GOBBLER.JIMMY:WELL, NUT GOBBLER, I NEED TO GET LAID.NUT GOBBLER:HUH??JIMMY:I HAVE A RAGG HARD-ON THAT JT WON'TQU, AND THE TALENT SHOW HAS ALREADYSTARTED.NUT GOBBLER:YOU A P?JIMMY:NO. ACTUALLY, I'M A STAND-UP IC.NUT GOBBLER:YOU GOT MONEY?JIMMY:SURE DO.NUT GOBBLER:ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT A PLACE TO GO?JIMMY:SURE. I KNOW THE P-PERFECT PLACE.[BU FAGGHECI, MOMENTS LATER. THE WAIER ARRIV]ROMA:WELE TO BU FAGGHECI FOR THETHENTIC EXPERIENSO ITALIANO. MY NAMEIS ROMA, AND UHHH OH, 'S SO NICETO SEE YOU AGA, MR. VALMER.JIMMY:HEY, N , JACKASS! I JT DON'TWANT THEM TO KNOW I WAS HERE WH ADIFFERENT GIRL.ROMA:OH RIGHT, PARDONE, SEGNORE. I'LL EBACK WH SOME GARLIC BREAD MEDERRANEANE.NUT GOBBLER:WHAT ARE WE DO' ANYWAY?JIMMY:THIS IS THENTIC ITALIAN FOOD STRAIGHTOM S-SICILY. YOU SHOULD TRY THE LOTSAMOZZARELLA PIZZA ROLL.NUT GOBBLER:I N'T EAT TOO MUCH, I'LVE GOT AN FECTRARY TRACT. I'VE BEEN PISS' BLOODFOR A WEEK.JIMMY:OH, UH, WOW, THAT IS VERY TERTG.PLEASE TELL ME MORE.NUT GOBBLER:HUH? WELL, THAT'S , I JT PISSEDBLOOD! SO I HAVE TO STICK A TAMPON UPMY PEEHOLE.JIMMY:WOW. YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT WAY BEFORE, BUT YOU'RE RIGHT.IF YOU'RE PISSG BLOOD, YOU N SHUVEA TAMPON UP YOUR PEEHOLE. YOU ARE VERYSIGHTFUL. PLEASE TELL ME MORE.NUT GOBBLER:LOOK, KID, WHAT ARE YOU DO'?! YOUWANNA GET LAID OR NOT?JIMMY:WELL OF E I WANNA GET LAID. THAT'SWHY I'M TAKG YOU TO THIS ..PLACE AND PRETENDG TO BE TERTED WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY..NUT GOBBLER:KID, I'M A HOOKER. YOU DON'T HAVE TOTAKE ME TO DNER OR BE NICE TO ME.JIMMY:WHAT? FO, FOR REAL?NUT GOBBLER:YOU PAID ME, SO YOU GET TO DO ME. IT'STHAT SIMPLE.JIMMY:WELL JUMP' J, WHAT ARE WE WASTGOUR TIME HERE FOR THEN? THE TALENT SHOWIS HAPPENG RIGHT NOW! LET'S GET TOR-R-RAMM'!PIMP:WHAT ARE YOU DO', HO?! HAV' DNER?!YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WORK' FOR ME!NUT GOBBLER:IT'S WHERE THE TRICK WANTED TO GO, YOUBASTARD!PIMP:TRICK?! I A'T STUPID! A'T NO TRICKGONNA TAKE YOU OUT TO DNER! THISPIMP IS TRY' TO STEAL YOU AWAY OMME! THIS IS MY HO!JIMMY:I BEG TO DIFFER WH YOU, SIR. I PAIDFOR HER AND TOOK HER OUT TO DNER.SHE'S MY HO!NUT GOBBLER:UH J.PIMP:YOU GOT A PROBLEM, BCH?!JIMMY:Y, I DO HAVE A PROBLEM, AS A MATTEROF FACT! I'VE SPENT ALL MY MONEY ONTHIS HO, AND SHE'S NOW MY ONLY SHOTAT GETTG LAID, AND THE TALENT SHOWIS ONLY A UPLE OF HOURS OM BEER.PIMP:YOU'RE ' HOME RIGHT NOW!NUT GOBBLER:AGH! LET GO OF MY HAIR, YOU SON OF ABCH!JIMMY:SIR, SIR, THAT IS MY HO!PIMP:I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS, HO!JIMMY:SIR, SIR![SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY TALENT SHOW, NOW PROGRS. A STUNTSGS JOURNEY'S "OPEN ARMS" BADLY]STAN:WOOF.[BU FAGGHECI, OUTSI. THE PIMP DRIV OFF WH NUT GOBBLER,AND JIMMY JT STEPS OUT THE ONT DOORS]JIMMY:SON OF A ...B-BCH! TAXI! FOLLOWTHAT PIMP AND HO![THE PIMP'S R]NUT GOBBLERWHERE ARE YOU TAKG ME?!PIMPI'M GONNA KILL YOU, HO!NUT GOBBLERNO! PLEASE! CHEWMONEY! I'M SORRY!CHEWMONEYYOU'RE ALREADY AD, HO!JIMMY:SIR! I PAID FOR THAT LADY, AND BY TAKGHER, YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN A MONTH-THIEF!CHEWMONEY:FUCK YOU, PUNK!JIMMY:NUT GOBBLER, GRAB ONTO MY CTCH!CHEWMONEY:GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE, HO!NUT GOBBLER:AAAAH!JIMMY:I GOT YOU, NUT GOBBLER![SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY TALENT SHOW, NOW PROGRS. THE GOTHKIDS ARE NOW ONSTAGE. THE RED GOTH AND HENRIETTA ARE ON GUARS,AND THE KRGARTEN GOTH IS ON DMS. THE TALL GOTH SGS]TALL GOTH:NO NO NONO NO, I'M NOT GONNA BE THETALENT SHOW.OH NO NO NONO NO. I'LL NEVER BE YOUR FAGGY TALENT SHOW. [THONG ENDS AND THEY WALK OFFSTAGE. SOME APPLSE FOR THEM UP OM THE DIENCE]MRS. GARRISON:OKAY, THAT WAS THE GOTH KIDS WH "TALENTSHOWS ARE FOR FAGS"TALL GOTH:THAT WAS KILLER. WE SHOWED THEM.RED GOTH:YEAH, I HOPE WE W.[THE STREETS OF SOUTH PARK, NIGHT. THE TWO RS ARE STILL RACGDOWN THE STREETS WH NUT GOBBLER SPLS BETWEEN THEM. SHE'SSCREAMG OM THE PA]JIMMY:COME ON, HO!CABBIE:LOOK OUT!MOTORCYCLIST:DAWW?NUT GOBBLER:AAH?? NO!JIMMY:EUGH! STAY ON HIM! I'M NOT GIVG UP![SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY TALENT SHOW, NOW PROGRS. A MAGICT ENDS AS THE ASSISTANT STEPS OUT OF A BOX]KID MAGICIAN:TADA!MRS. GARRISON:OKAY, VERY NICE, CLARK AND LRA. VERYNICE. OUR NEXT ACT IS BUTTERS, WHOWILL BE SGG A SONGSTEPHEN:THERE'S OUR BOY.BUTTERS:LU LU LU, I'VW GOT SOME... SOME... UH,SOME UH... SOME, UH... UUUHHH... OHNO! NO NO NOHO NOO!MRS. GARRISON:OKAY, THANK YOU BUTTERS, VERY NICE,SHORT AND SWEET.[THE STREETS OF SOUTH PARK, NIGHT. THE TWO RS ARE NOW BUMPGEACH OTHER OFF.]CHEWMONEY:GODDAMN, THIS PIMP JT WON'T GIVE UP!JIMMY:GET CLOSE TO HIM! HOW MUCH DO I OWEYOU?CABBIE:SIX DOLLARS AND TWENTY-FOUR CENTS.JIMMY:C-N I JT GET TWO BACK, PLEASE?CABBIE:OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THERE YOUGO. HAVE A GOOD 'N.JIMMY:THANK YOU.CHEWMONEY:YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS, BCH!NUT GOBBLER:NO! HEELLLP!! HAAAAAAAAAA!!JIMMY:DON'T WORRY, NUT GOBBLER! I'M G!OH J, NOT NOW. OH BOY, THIS ISEMBARASSG.[SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY TALENT SHOW, NOW PROGRS. A MAGICT ENDS AS THE ASSISTANT STEPS OUT OF A BOX]MRS. GARRISON:AND NOW WE HAVE ERIC CARTMAN, WHO WILLBE DOG SELECT READGS OM THE MOVIE,SRFACE.CARTMAN:D'YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? YOU'RE ALLA BUNCH OF FUCKG CK ROACH! YOUNEED PEOPLE LIKE ME! YOU NEED PEOPLELIKE ME SO YOU N POT YOUR FUCKGFGER AND SAY "THAT'S THE BAD GUY!"WELL SAY GOODNIGHT TO THE BAD GUY!!LIANE:THAT'S MY LTLE BOY.[COLFAX POT, NIGHT. ON THE ROOFTOP OF THE BUILDG, CHEWMONEYHAS NUT GOBBLER ON HER KNE AND IS READY TO SHOOT HER AD.]NUT GOBBLER:PLEASE, CHEWMONEY! DON'T DO THIS!CHEWMONEY:I TOLD YOU NEVER TO TURN ON ME, HO!JIMMY:HEY, J-J-JACKASS! I'M SORRY I RORTEDTO LLG YOU JACKASS JT NOW, BUTI'M VERY UPSET!CHEWMONEY:AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, HUH?! I'VEGOT FOUR FEET ON YOU AND A GUN! WHATDO YOU HAVE?!JIMMY:WHAT DO I HAVE? THE WEAPON OF EDY.SO APPARENTLY THE CHE AND THE JAPANEAREN'T GETTG ALONG LATELY. HAVE YOEEN THIS? HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS?CHEWMONEY:WHAT?!JIMMY:I'LL TELL YOU ONE THG: THEIR FOODHASN'T BEEN GETTG ALONG WH MY STOMACHFOR YEARS.CHEWMONEY:THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.JIMMY::MARTHA STEWART IS OUT OF JAIL. HAVEYOU SEEN THIS? HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUTTHIS?CHEWMONEY:OH YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT, SHE IS.JIMMY:SHE'S APPARENTLY GOTTEN REAL GOOD WHBAKG K WH KEYS THEM.NUT GOBBLER:SERV YOU RIGHT, YOU SON OF A BCH!JIMMY:NICE TEAMWORK, NUT GOBBLER.GOBBLER:I N'T BELIEVE YOU CHASED ME ALL THISWAY. YOU, YOU REALLY RE ABOUT ME.JIMMY:NOT REALLY. YOU'RE JT A HOOKER, ANDI NEED TO GET LAID. THE TALENT SHOWULD BE OVER ANY MUTE.GOBBLER:THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. TAKE METO BED.[SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY TALENT SHOW, NOW PROGRS. IKE IS ONSTAGGG "YANKEE DOODLE BOY"]IKE:I HAVE A YANKEE DOODLE SWEETHEART,SHE'S MY YANKEE DOODLE GIRL.[HOLDS UP SOME SPARKLERS]'ANKEE DOODLE ME TO LONDON,JT TO RI THE PONI,[THROWS THEM OFF AND GETS SI A SMALL NNON NEXT TO HIM.THE BARREL RIS UNTIL 'S LNCH PISN]I AM DA YANKEE DOODLEI AM DA YANKEE DOODLEI AM DA YANKEE DOODLE BOY.[THE NNON SHOOTS HIM OUT AND HE LANDS CLEAR ACROSS THE STAGE.SOME APPLSE GREETS THE PERFORMANCE. AS THE PROPS ARE TAKENAWAY, IKE TAK OFF HIS HAT AND BOWS LOW TO EVERYONE, THEN PUTSON HIS TOP HAT AND WALKS OFF]MRS. GARRISON:OKAY, VERY NICE, IKE, THANK YOU. ALLRIGHT, CHILDREN, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVENO MORE NTTANTS, WHICH MEANS, THETALENT SHOW IS OVER!PRINCIPAL VICTORIA:MR. MACKEY, 'S OVER.COUNSELOR MACKEY:HUH? OH OH OH, RIGHT.MRS. GARRISON:NOW WE WILL TALLY UP THE JUDG' SRAND FD OUT WHICH ACT THEY HATED THELEAST.JIMMY:HOLD EVERYTHG! MRS. GARRISON, IFYOU DON'T MD, I'LL BE TAKG THATMICROPHONE..OKAY, LET'S PUT OUR HANDS TOGETHER FORJIMMY VALMER.WOW, WHAT A TERRIFIC DIENCE. SO APPARENTLY'S BEEN EXACTLY TWO YEARS SCE THEFALL OF BAGHDAD. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS? JT AS B-BHPREDICTED, BAGHDAD FELL, IRAQ FELL,SADDAM FELL. THE ONLY THG THAT DIDN'TFALL WAS .. PRICE OF GAS. I JTREAD THE PAPER THAT CHA'S PROTTGJAPAN. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS? HAVE YOUHEARD ABOUT THIS? YEAH, I GUS CHAYOU DON'T GET TO- YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDGME.EMBEDCANCELHOW TO FORMAT LYRICS:TYPE OUT ALL LYRICS, EVEN REPEATG SONG PARTS LIKE THE CHOSLYRICS SHOULD BE BROKEN DOWN TO DIVIDUAL LUSE SECTN HEARS ABOVE DIFFERENT SONG PARTS LIKE [VERSE], [CHOS], ETC.USE ALICS (<I>LYRIC</I>) AND BOLD (<B>LYRIC</B>) TO DISTGUISH BETWEEN DIFFERENT VOLISTS THE SAME SONG PARTIF YOU DON’T UNRSTAND A LYRIC, E [?]TO LEARN MORE, CHECK OUT OUR TRANSCRIPTN GUI OR VIS OUR TRANSCRIBERS FOMABOUT
• MR MACKEY IS GAY

ERECTN DAYSOUTH PARKTRACK 7 ON SEASON 9 FEATURGTREY PARKERAPR. 20, 20051 VIEWER2 CONTRIBUTORSERECTN DAY LYRICS[SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY, DAY. THE SCHOOL BELL RGS]COUNSELOR MACKEY:N'KAY, KIDS, AS YOUR UNSELOR, I KNOW N SOMETIM BE DIFFICULT TO TALKABOUT SUBJECTS LIKE DGS AND SEX ANDALHOL, M'KAY? SO, AS YOU REMEMBER,LAST WEEK I TOLD YOU TO WRE DOWN ANYDIFFICULT QUTNS YOU HAD AND PUTTHEM THIS BOX ANONYMOLY SO WE ULDDISCS CLASS, M'KAY? I GOT A LOTO' RPONS, SO LET'S READ SOME ALOUD."MR. MACKEY IS GAY." OKAY KIDS, THATIS NOT FUNNY! UNKAY?! THIS BOX IS SUPPOSEDTO BE ED FOR SER QUTNS! ABOUT,ABOUT SER ISSU! M'KAY, LET'S LET'SSTOP THE TOMFOOLERY! M'KAY, THIS LOOKSLIKE A REAL ONE HERE. "DEAR MR. MACKEY,YOU ARE GAY." ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.THAT'S ENOUGH, KIDS. LET'S QUIET DOWNAND TRY TO BE MATURE, 'KAY? UH HEREWE GO. OKAY, "MR. MACKEY, SOMETIMMY PARENTS H ME, AND YOU ARE GAY."DAMN, IS THERE NOT ONE SER QUTN HERE?! "MR. MACKEY IS GAY, MR. MACKEYIS GAY" OKAY, HERE. I AM A BOY ATSOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY. SOMETIM, WHENI'M STG CLASS, MY PENIS BEHARD FOR NO REASON. WHAT SHOULD I DO?ALL RIGHT KIDS, ALL RIGHT KIDS, THAT'SENOUGH! IF YOU ALL N'T BE SERABOUT THE QUTN BOX, THEN WE'LLJT DO DG INTIFITN EXERCIS,UNKAY?!CLASS:AWWWWW!COUNSELOR MACKEY:M'KAY, UHH, JIMMY, WHY DON'T YOU P HERE AND WRE DOWN THE NAM OFTWO NARTICS?JIMMY:UH NO, THAT THAT'S OKAY, MR. MACKEY.COUNSELOR MACKEY:JIMMY, I'M NOT ASKG YOU, I'M TELLGYOU!JIMMY:UHHH, JT UH UH AHH NOT RIGHT THISSEND, MR. MACKEY.COUNSELOR MACKEY:WELL WHY THE HELL NOT?!JIMMY:UH...COUNSELOR MACKEY:HE'S WHAT... OH, YOU DO? R R RIGHT NOW,RIGHT NOW IS? ON'KAY, ON'KAY. DON'TWORRY, JIMMY. N'KAY, UHHH, LET'S PICKSOMEONE ELSE, UM. ERIC, WHY DON'T YOUE UP HERE?CARTMAN:HEY, THAT'S BULLCRAP?! HOW E JIMMYDON'T HAVE TO DO ?!COUNSELOR MACKEY:WELL, BEE UH, JIMMY IS PCHGA TENT RIGHT NOW.STAN:HE'S WHAT??[SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY HALLWAY. KIDS LG AROUND NOTICE APOSTER ON THE PEGBOARD AMONG THE LOCKERS AND TALK AMONGST THEMSELV.]STAN:A HUNDRED DOLLAR GIFT CERTIFITE TOSOUTH PARK MALL? MAYBE WE SHOULD DOTHE TALENT SHOW.KYLE:WELL, WHAT'S THE POT? JIMMY ALWAYSWS WH HIS STAND-UP EDY.JIMMY:HEY FELLAS.STAN:DU, DIDJA SEE, JIMMY? THEY'RE GIVGAWAY A HUNDRED DOLLAR FIRST PRIZE FORTHE TALENT SHOW.JIMMY:OH I SURE HAVE. I'VE BEEN WORKG ONMY H... H,,, ROUTE ALL YEAR LONGKYLE:I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO , DU. HOWDO YOU GET UP ONT OF THAT MANYPEOPLE?JIMMY:WELL FELLAS, ENTERTAMENT IS MY LIFE.I LOVE BEG ONT OF EVERYONE.AAAH!KYLE:HUH WUH, WHAT'S THE MATTER?JIMMY:I GOTTA GUH, I GOTTA GO! SEE YA FELLAS.EH, EXCE ME! EVUH EVUH - EXCUH, CUH,CE ME! EXCE ME, PUH-PLEASE.CRAIG:IT'S OCCUPIED.CARTMAN:NO ROOM AT THE N, VIRG MARY.BUTTERS:HEHEY JIMMY! M'BOY, DID YOU SEE THATFIRST PRIZE FOR THE TALENT SHOW? WHYYOU MT BE EXCED! YOU'LL PROBABLYW LIKE ALWAYS.JIMMY:YEAH. YEAH, I'M REAL EXCED. REAL CED...FOR SOME REASON... OH, J! WHAT'SWRONG WH ME?BUTTERS:HEY, WHO'S DROPP' BOMBS THERE?!HOW ABOUT A URTY FLH?!CARTMAN:UP YOURS, BUTTERS.[JIMMY'S HOE, AFTERNOON. JIMMY WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR AND SIGHS.HIS PARENTS ARE ON THE SOFA. HIS MOM READS A BOOK, HIS DAD ANEWSPAPER]SARAH:HEY JIMMY, HOW WAS SCHOOL?JIMMY:FE, MOM.RYAN:JIMMY, WE UNRSTAND YOU'RE GETTGERECTNS THE CLASSROOM.JIMMY:WHAT? UH WHO TOLD YOU THAT?RYAN:MR. MACKEY, YOUR UNSELOR.JIMMY:AW J-J-J-J...J-J!RYAN:NOW, JIMMY, 'S NOTHG TO BE ASHAMEDOF. BUT WE KNOW 'S SOMETHG YOU MIGHTHAVE A HARD TIME TALKG ABOUT. GET? A HARD TIME. SO, WE TOOK YOUR UNSELOR'SADVICE 'ND LLED DOCTOR PAL TO HELP ALL TALK ABOUT THIS.JIMMY:DZ-N-DOCTOR PAL?DOCTOR PAL:HEY JIMMY, I'M DOCTOR PAL. THAT'S BEEI'M A DOCTOR, BUT I'M ALSO YOUR PAL.ARE WE OL?JIMMY:UH, SURE?DOCTOR PAL:A LOT OF TIM PARENTS LL ME BEEI N RELATE TO YOUNGER KIDS. I'M I'MDOWN, I'M DOPE, YOU DIG? NOW, I UNRSTANDYOU HAVE SOME NCERNS ABOUT ERECTNS."OOPS, N'T SAY ERECTN ONTOF THE PARENTS RIGHT. OH GOD, I FEELSO WEIRD" HUH?JIMMY:WELL, A LTLE, Y.DOCTOR PAL:JIMMY, THERE'S NOTHG WEIRD ABOUT RANDOMERECTNS. ALMOST EVERY BOY GO THROUGHA PHASE WHERE HIS PENIS BE HARD...FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON. IT'S JTPART OF GRWOG UP. GROWG UP? GROWGOUT IS MORE LIKE .JIMMY:BUT I HAVE TO MAKE STOP! THE TALENTSHOW IS THIS F-FRIDAY.DOCTOR PAL:TELL YOU WHAT, MOM AND DAD, WHY DON'TYOU SKIDADDLE FOR A TICK AND LET HIPSTERS TALK PRIVO.RYAN:A-ALL RIGHT, E ON, HONEY.DOCTOR PAL:JIMMY, AS YOU GET OLR YOUR BODY GOTHROUGH A LOT OF CHANG. CERTA HORMONSTART TO RELEASE AS YOUR WHOLE REPRODUCTIVYSTEM BEGS TO AWAKEN, AND SO, IFYOU LIKE, WE N TAKE OFF OUR SHIRTSAND KISS.JIMMY:KE...C-E AGA?DOCTOR PAL:OH, HEY, NOTH', YOU SEE? SEE, THATSET YOU OFF ON A DIFFERENT TANGENT,GOT YOU THK' A DIFFERENT WAY. THAT'SWHAT DOCTOR PAL IS HERE TO DO. UNLS,OF URSE, YOU THK WE SHOULD TAKEOFF OUR SHIRTS AND KISS.JIMMY:N-NO, I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRTAND KISSDOCTOR PAL:WELL THEN TO HELL WH YOU, KID. YOUN JT AL WH YOUR PROBLEMS ONYOUR OWN.[JIMMY'S HOE, NIGHT. HE'S FAST ASLEEP, AND WE SEE HIS DREAM]ANNOUNCER:NEXT UP FOR THE TALENT SHOW, PUT YOURHANDS TOGETHER FOR THE CREDIBLY TALENTEDJIMMY VALMER!JIMMY:WOW, WHAT A WHAT A GREAT DIENCE. SOAPPARENTLY MARTHA STEWART IS OUT OFJAIL. HAVE YOU HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUTTHIS, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS? SHE'S VERYEXCED TO GET STARTED ON HER NEW SHOW,"MARTHA STEWART LIVG, WH AN ELECTRONINKLE BRACELET." SO LOOKS LIKE THEVATIN HAS FALLY CHOSEN A NEW POPE.HAVE YOU SEEN THIS, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUTTHIS? A-A-APPARENTLY THEY'RE GOGTO LL HIM NEW POPE, A-AND REFER TOJOHN PL AS P-POPE CLASSIC. UH,..SO SO LOOKS LIKE MICHAEL JACKSONIS HAVG BACK PROBLEM URT. YONOW... HUH... YOU UH YOU KNOW WHATTHEY SAY ABOUT B-B-B-B-BACK PROBLEMS.UH, UH GEE, WHAT A TERRIFIC DIENCE.WHAT A FANTASTIC DIENCE.MRS. GARRISON:DON'T WORRY, JIMMY. WE'RE NOT LGHGWH YOU, WE'RE LGHG AT YOU.JIMMY:NUH UH! WUH. HUH. WAAAGH! UNGH![BUTTERS' HOE, DAY. HE'S PRACTICG HIS FAVORE SONG THEGARAGE WH SOME HELP OM HIS BOOM BOX. JIMMY APPROACH]BUTTERS:LU LU LU, I'VE GOT SOME APPL, LU LULU, YOU'VE GOT SOME TOO. LU LU LU, LET'SGET TOGETHER, I KNOW WHAT WE N DO,LU LU.JIMMY:BUTTERS!BUTTERS:OH! OH HEY, JIMMY. I'M JT PRACTIC'FOR THE TALENT SHOW.JIMMY:BUTTERS, AH I REALLY NEED TO TALK TOSOMEBODY, AND I THK MAYBE YOU'RE THEONLY PERSON WHO WON'T MAKE F-F-FUN OFME.BUTTERS:OH GOSH, I'D NEVER MAKE FUN OF SOMEBODYWH A PROBLEM.JIMMY:BUTTERS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSEDTO DO WHEN YOUR PENIS GETS HARD?BUTTERS:WELL SURE I DO.JIMMY:REALLY??BUTTERS:Y, NOW S DOWN, JIMMY, WE SHOULDHAVE A LTLE TALK. YOU SEE, JIMMY,WHEN A MAN'S PENIS BE HARD, THEMAN PUTS TO A LADY. INTO HER "VAGIIA."THEN, THE HARD PENIS SNEEZ K SITHE LADY'S TUMMY, AND AFTER 'S ALLDONE SNEEZ' K.THEPENIS STOPS BE'HARD, AND THE MAN LOS TERT THE LADY.JIMMY:SO, WHEN YOUR PENIS BE HARD, YOU'RUPPOSED TO PUT A LADY'S VAGA.AND THEN STOPS BEG HARD?BUTTERS:THAT'S RIGHT, JIMMY.JIMMY:BUT WHERE AM I GOG TO FD A LADYTO STICK MY PENIS ? THE TALENT SHOWIS THIS FRIDAY.[SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY, DAY. THE KIDS VIS THEIR LOCKERS TOCHANGE BOOKS.]GIRL:TALK TO YOU, BERTHA.BERTHA:OKAY, SEE YOU LATER, JSIE.JIMMY:HEY BERTHA.BERTHA:OH, HEY JIMMY. WHAT'S GO' ON?JIMMY:WELL BERTHA, I WAS WONRG IF I ULDSTICK MY PENIS YOUR VAGA?BERTHA:WHAT?? NO WAY!JIMMY:BUT THE TALENT SHOW IS TOMORROW! OOO!BERTHA:JERK!CARTMAN:JIMMY, JIMMY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOUDOG, MAN?JIMMY:I'M TRYG TO GET LAID. WHAT'S LOOKLIKE?CARTMAN:DU, YOU DON'T JT GO UP TO A GIRLAND ASK HER IF YOU N STICK YOUR PENIS HER VAGA. YE-YOU HAVE TO ASK HERON A DATE, TAKE HER OUT FOR SOME ITALIANFOOD.JIMMY:WOW, SEEMS LIKE YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUTTHIS STUFF, ERIC. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAIDBEFORE?CARTMAN:SURE, LOTS OF TIM. I'VE BEEN LAID,LIKE, FIVE THOAND TIM.JIMMY:WELL, WHA-WHAT DO I DO?CARTMAN:I TOLD YOU: A DATE AND THEN ITALIANFOOD. AND THEN YOU GOTTA MAKE HER THNKYOU'RE A GOOD LISTENER.JIMMY:ERIC, I N'T TELL YOU WHY, BUT 'SVERY IMPORTANT THAT I SRE TO-NIGHT!CAN YOU E ON THE DATE AND HELP ME?YOU'RE LIKE A WHE... HCH.CARTMAN:WHY SURE, THEY DO THIS ALL THE TIME MOVI AND TV SHOWS. YOU GO ON THEDATE AND WEAR AN EARPIECE, AND I'LLBE NEARBY, SECRETLY TELLG YOU ALLTHE RIGHT THGS TO SAY.JIMMY:WOW! THANKS, ERIC.[A HOE, NIGHT. A WOMAN IS READG A BOOK ON HER SOFA. THE DOORBELLRGS.]MOM:SHAWNA HONEY, I THK YOUR LTLE DATEIS HERE.SHAWNA:OKAY, MOM.JIMMY:HEY SHAWNA.SHAWNA:HI JIMMY.CARTMAN:OKAY JIMMY. FIRST OFF, TELL HER HOWGOOD SHE LOOKS.JIMMY:WOW, SHAWNA, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.SHAWNA:THANKS, JIMMY. WHERE ARE WE GOG?JIMMY:WE'RE GOG TO AN THENTIC ITALIANRTRANT, BU FAGGHECI[BU FAGGHECI, DNERTIME. JIMMY AND SHAWNA WA FOR SERVICEAT THEIR TABLE]WAITER:WELE TO BU FAGGHECI FOR THETHENTI EXPERIENCE ITALIANO. MY NAMEIS ROMA. CAN I START YOU OUT WH SOMELOTSA PASTA MARONI MIS?JIMMY:UH, I THK WE'RE GONNA TRY YOUR THENTICPIZZARELI SSERONA POPPERSWAITER:RIGHT AWAY.SHAWNA:YOU KNOW THAT GIRL SALLY RMAN AT OURSCHOOL? I N'T STAND HER.CARTMAN:JIMMY! JIMMY! JIMMY, EVEN THOUGH WHATSHE'S SAYG NOW ISN'T TERTG ATALL, YOU SAY, "WOW, THAT IS VERY TERTG.PLEASE TELL ME MORE."JIMMY:WOW, THAT IS VERY TERTG. PLEASETELL ME MORE.SHAWNA:REALLY? WELL, KELLIGAN BOUGHT THE SAMEPURSE AND I WAS LIKE, "NO WAY DO I WANT NOW!" BEE WHO WANTS A PURSE THATBOTH THEIR BT IENDS HAVE, RIGHT?AND SO-CARTMAN:ALL RIGHT, WHEN SHE STOPS YAPP' AGA,SAY "WOW, I'VE NEVER THOUGHT OF THATWAY BEFORE, BUT YOU'RE RIGHT."SHAWNA:-I GUS THAT'S WHY I FIGURED, "WHONEEDS IENDS LIKE THAT?"JIMMY:WOW, I'VE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT WAYBEFORE, BUT YOU'RE RIGHT.SHAWNA:IT'S LIKE I TOLD DEBBIE: "IF YOU'REGONNA GO OUT WH MY IENDS-"CARTMAN:ALL RIGHT JIMMY, WHEN SHE FALLY SHUTSHER TRAP AGA, I WANT YOU TO REPEATWHATEVER SHE SAID, AND THEN FOLLOW WH "WOW, HOW SIGHTFUL."SHAWNA:"AND SO IF YOU'RE GONNA BE THAT WAY,I DON'T NEED TO BE YOUR IEND."JIMMY:"IF YOU'RE GONNA BE THAT WAY, I DON'TNEED TO BE YOUR IEND." WOW, HOW SIGHTFUL.SHAWNA:YOU KNOW, JIMMY, YOU ARE A GREAT LISTENER.JIMMY:REALLY?SHAWNA:YEAH. I MEAN, NO OTHER BOYS REALLY MUNITELIKE YOU DO.JIMMY:OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU THK SO, SHAWNA,BEE I REALLY WANNA STICK MY PENIS YOUR VAGA.CARTMAN:Y, NICE, JIMMY, VERY NICE.SHAWNA:.. I'M NOT DOG THAT!JIMMY:BUT THE TALENT SHOW IS TOMORROW NIGHT!SHAWNA:CREEP!CARTMAN:AAAGH![SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY, NEXT EVENG. THE GYM IS SET UP FOR THETALENT SHOW AND THE WHOLE SCHOOL IS THERE. WELL, MOST OF THCHOOL...]MRS. GARRISON:WELE STUNTS AND PARENTS TO THEANNUAL SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY TALENTSHOW! WE HAVE A LOT OF LTLE TALEDPERFORMERS TO GET THROUGH, SO THE QUICKERYOU SHUT UP, THE QUICKER THIS WILL BEOVER! OKAY, FIRST UP WE HAVE BILLYTURNER, OM THE THIRD GRA, WHO WILLBE DOG AN ALTO SAX SOLO.[SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY, OUT ON THE ONT CURB. JIMMY SS THERUBBG. OFFICER BARBRADY'S POLICE R ROLLS GENTLY TOWARDS HIMAND STOPS. THE DRIVER DOOR OPENS AND OFFICER BARBRADY TOVIEW.]OFFICER BARBRADY:JIMMY? JIMMY VALMER?JIMMY:OH... HI, OFFICER B B-B-BUH B-B-BUHB-BARBRADY.OFFICER BARBRADY:JIMMY, WHAT ARE YOU DOG HERE? THETALENT SHOW IS SI.JIMMY:I'M... NOT GONNA PERFORM THE TALENTSHOW.OFFICER BARBRADY:NOT PERFORM? BUT JIMMY, YOU LOVE TALENTSHOWS. EVERYONE TOWN KNOWS THAT.JIMMY:I JT C-N'T RISK GETTG UP ONTOF EVERYONE.OFFICER BARBRADY:WHY?JIMMY:ALL RIGHT! I I KEEP GETTG AN ERECTNFOR NO REASON! OKAY! BUT I N'T GETANY OF THE GIRLS HERE TO LET ME... DO TO THEM.OFFICER BARBRADY:WELL OF URSE NOT, JIMMY. LITTLE GIRLSDON'T WANNA HAVE SEX.JIMMY:THEN WHY DO GOD MAKE SO THAT MYPENIS GETS HARD IF GIRLS DON'T WANNAHAVE THEIR VAGAS? IT'S LIKEA CEL JOKE.OFFICER BARBRADY:WELL, JIMMY, THE GIRLS HERE ARE YOUNGAND PURE. THEY'RE NOT LIKE THE LADIDOWN AT COLFAX POT.JIMMY:.. POT?OFFICER BARBRADY:WELL YEAH, THOSE WOMEN WILL HAVE SEXWH ANYBODY.JIMMY:REALLY? M-MAYBE I N TCH THE B.. GET DOWN THERE BEFORE THE TALENTSHOW ENDS. TH-THANKS, OFFICER BARBRADY!OFFICER BARBRADY:YOU'RE WELE, JIM. WA...[COLFAX POT, THE RED-LIGHT DISTRICT OF TOWN, NIGHT. CARSROLL BY AS OBE PROSTUT TRY TO GET CTOMERS. SHAPELY PROSTUTTRY AS WELL WHEN THE OBE ON ARE NIED. A BLACK WOMEN WEARGKNEE-HIGH BOOTS WALKS DOWN THE STREET TOWARDS THE MERA. SHEHAS BRILLIANT RED HAIR, BLACK VT AND BOOTS, AND CHEETAH-PRTSHORTS]VOICE-OVER:COLFAX POT.PIMPS AND HOS AND TRICKS ROWSWOMEN WALK THE STREET WH RNS ON THEIR FEETBROKEN DREAMS AND NO ICE CREAMS[A R STOPS ONT OF A WOMAN BUILT LIKE A BRICK MANSN]HO:YOU LOOK' FOR A DATE?JIMMY:HELLO? HELLO? I NEED TO PUT MY ...P-PENIS A WOMAN'S VAGA. ANY TAKERS? EXCEME, MA'AM. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?PROSTITUTE:THEY LL ME NUT GOBBLER.JIMMY:WELL, NUT GOBBLER, I NEED TO GET LAID.NUT GOBBLER:HUH??JIMMY:I HAVE A RAGG HARD-ON THAT JT WON'TQU, AND THE TALENT SHOW HAS ALREADYSTARTED.NUT GOBBLER:YOU A P?JIMMY:NO. ACTUALLY, I'M A STAND-UP IC.NUT GOBBLER:YOU GOT MONEY?JIMMY:SURE DO.NUT GOBBLER:ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT A PLACE TO GO?JIMMY:SURE. I KNOW THE P-PERFECT PLACE.[BU FAGGHECI, MOMENTS LATER. THE WAIER ARRIV]ROMA:WELE TO BU FAGGHECI FOR THETHENTIC EXPERIENSO ITALIANO. MY NAMEIS ROMA, AND UHHH OH, 'S SO NICETO SEE YOU AGA, MR. VALMER.JIMMY:HEY, N , JACKASS! I JT DON'TWANT THEM TO KNOW I WAS HERE WH ADIFFERENT GIRL.ROMA:OH RIGHT, PARDONE, SEGNORE. I'LL EBACK WH SOME GARLIC BREAD MEDERRANEANE.NUT GOBBLER:WHAT ARE WE DO' ANYWAY?JIMMY:THIS IS THENTIC ITALIAN FOOD STRAIGHTOM S-SICILY. YOU SHOULD TRY THE LOTSAMOZZARELLA PIZZA ROLL.NUT GOBBLER:I N'T EAT TOO MUCH, I'LVE GOT AN FECTRARY TRACT. I'VE BEEN PISS' BLOODFOR A WEEK.JIMMY:OH, UH, WOW, THAT IS VERY TERTG.PLEASE TELL ME MORE.NUT GOBBLER:HUH? WELL, THAT'S , I JT PISSEDBLOOD! SO I HAVE TO STICK A TAMPON UPMY PEEHOLE.JIMMY:WOW. YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT WAY BEFORE, BUT YOU'RE RIGHT.IF YOU'RE PISSG BLOOD, YOU N SHUVEA TAMPON UP YOUR PEEHOLE. YOU ARE VERYSIGHTFUL. PLEASE TELL ME MORE.NUT GOBBLER:LOOK, KID, WHAT ARE YOU DO'?! YOUWANNA GET LAID OR NOT?JIMMY:WELL OF E I WANNA GET LAID. THAT'SWHY I'M TAKG YOU TO THIS ..PLACE AND PRETENDG TO BE TERTED WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY..NUT GOBBLER:KID, I'M A HOOKER. YOU DON'T HAVE TOTAKE ME TO DNER OR BE NICE TO ME.JIMMY:WHAT? FO, FOR REAL?NUT GOBBLER:YOU PAID ME, SO YOU GET TO DO ME. IT'STHAT SIMPLE.JIMMY:WELL JUMP' J, WHAT ARE WE WASTGOUR TIME HERE FOR THEN? THE TALENT SHOWIS HAPPENG RIGHT NOW! LET'S GET TOR-R-RAMM'!PIMP:WHAT ARE YOU DO', HO?! HAV' DNER?!YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WORK' FOR ME!NUT GOBBLER:IT'S WHERE THE TRICK WANTED TO GO, YOUBASTARD!PIMP:TRICK?! I A'T STUPID! A'T NO TRICKGONNA TAKE YOU OUT TO DNER! THISPIMP IS TRY' TO STEAL YOU AWAY OMME! THIS IS MY HO!JIMMY:I BEG TO DIFFER WH YOU, SIR. I PAIDFOR HER AND TOOK HER OUT TO DNER.SHE'S MY HO!NUT GOBBLER:UH J.PIMP:YOU GOT A PROBLEM, BCH?!JIMMY:Y, I DO HAVE A PROBLEM, AS A MATTEROF FACT! I'VE SPENT ALL MY MONEY ONTHIS HO, AND SHE'S NOW MY ONLY SHOTAT GETTG LAID, AND THE TALENT SHOWIS ONLY A UPLE OF HOURS OM BEER.PIMP:YOU'RE ' HOME RIGHT NOW!NUT GOBBLER:AGH! LET GO OF MY HAIR, YOU SON OF ABCH!JIMMY:SIR, SIR, THAT IS MY HO!PIMP:I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS, HO!JIMMY:SIR, SIR![SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY TALENT SHOW, NOW PROGRS. A STUNTSGS JOURNEY'S "OPEN ARMS" BADLY]STAN:WOOF.[BU FAGGHECI, OUTSI. THE PIMP DRIV OFF WH NUT GOBBLER,AND JIMMY JT STEPS OUT THE ONT DOORS]JIMMY:SON OF A ...B-BCH! TAXI! FOLLOWTHAT PIMP AND HO![THE PIMP'S R]NUT GOBBLERWHERE ARE YOU TAKG ME?!PIMPI'M GONNA KILL YOU, HO!NUT GOBBLERNO! PLEASE! CHEWMONEY! I'M SORRY!CHEWMONEYYOU'RE ALREADY AD, HO!JIMMY:SIR! I PAID FOR THAT LADY, AND BY TAKGHER, YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN A MONTH-THIEF!CHEWMONEY:FUCK YOU, PUNK!JIMMY:NUT GOBBLER, GRAB ONTO MY CTCH!CHEWMONEY:GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE, HO!NUT GOBBLER:AAAAH!JIMMY:I GOT YOU, NUT GOBBLER![SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY TALENT SHOW, NOW PROGRS. THE GOTHKIDS ARE NOW ONSTAGE. THE RED GOTH AND HENRIETTA ARE ON GUARS,AND THE KRGARTEN GOTH IS ON DMS. THE TALL GOTH SGS]TALL GOTH:NO NO NONO NO, I'M NOT GONNA BE THETALENT SHOW.OH NO NO NONO NO. I'LL NEVER BE YOUR FAGGY TALENT SHOW. [THONG ENDS AND THEY WALK OFFSTAGE. SOME APPLSE FOR THEM UP OM THE DIENCE]MRS. GARRISON:OKAY, THAT WAS THE GOTH KIDS WH "TALENTSHOWS ARE FOR FAGS"TALL GOTH:THAT WAS KILLER. WE SHOWED THEM.RED GOTH:YEAH, I HOPE WE W.[THE STREETS OF SOUTH PARK, NIGHT. THE TWO RS ARE STILL RACGDOWN THE STREETS WH NUT GOBBLER SPLS BETWEEN THEM. SHE'SSCREAMG OM THE PA]JIMMY:COME ON, HO!CABBIE:LOOK OUT!MOTORCYCLIST:DAWW?NUT GOBBLER:AAH?? NO!JIMMY:EUGH! STAY ON HIM! I'M NOT GIVG UP![SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY TALENT SHOW, NOW PROGRS. A MAGICT ENDS AS THE ASSISTANT STEPS OUT OF A BOX]KID MAGICIAN:TADA!MRS. GARRISON:OKAY, VERY NICE, CLARK AND LRA. VERYNICE. OUR NEXT ACT IS BUTTERS, WHOWILL BE SGG A SONGSTEPHEN:THERE'S OUR BOY.BUTTERS:LU LU LU, I'VW GOT SOME... SOME... UH,SOME UH... SOME, UH... UUUHHH... OHNO! NO NO NOHO NOO!MRS. GARRISON:OKAY, THANK YOU BUTTERS, VERY NICE,SHORT AND SWEET.[THE STREETS OF SOUTH PARK, NIGHT. THE TWO RS ARE NOW BUMPGEACH OTHER OFF.]CHEWMONEY:GODDAMN, THIS PIMP JT WON'T GIVE UP!JIMMY:GET CLOSE TO HIM! HOW MUCH DO I OWEYOU?CABBIE:SIX DOLLARS AND TWENTY-FOUR CENTS.JIMMY:C-N I JT GET TWO BACK, PLEASE?CABBIE:OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THERE YOUGO. HAVE A GOOD 'N.JIMMY:THANK YOU.CHEWMONEY:YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS, BCH!NUT GOBBLER:NO! HEELLLP!! HAAAAAAAAAA!!JIMMY:DON'T WORRY, NUT GOBBLER! I'M G!OH J, NOT NOW. OH BOY, THIS ISEMBARASSG.[SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY TALENT SHOW, NOW PROGRS. A MAGICT ENDS AS THE ASSISTANT STEPS OUT OF A BOX]MRS. GARRISON:AND NOW WE HAVE ERIC CARTMAN, WHO WILLBE DOG SELECT READGS OM THE MOVIE,SRFACE.CARTMAN:D'YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? YOU'RE ALLA BUNCH OF FUCKG CK ROACH! YOUNEED PEOPLE LIKE ME! YOU NEED PEOPLELIKE ME SO YOU N POT YOUR FUCKGFGER AND SAY "THAT'S THE BAD GUY!"WELL SAY GOODNIGHT TO THE BAD GUY!!LIANE:THAT'S MY LTLE BOY.[COLFAX POT, NIGHT. ON THE ROOFTOP OF THE BUILDG, CHEWMONEYHAS NUT GOBBLER ON HER KNE AND IS READY TO SHOOT HER AD.]NUT GOBBLER:PLEASE, CHEWMONEY! DON'T DO THIS!CHEWMONEY:I TOLD YOU NEVER TO TURN ON ME, HO!JIMMY:HEY, J-J-JACKASS! I'M SORRY I RORTEDTO LLG YOU JACKASS JT NOW, BUTI'M VERY UPSET!CHEWMONEY:AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, HUH?! I'VEGOT FOUR FEET ON YOU AND A GUN! WHATDO YOU HAVE?!JIMMY:WHAT DO I HAVE? THE WEAPON OF EDY.SO APPARENTLY THE CHE AND THE JAPANEAREN'T GETTG ALONG LATELY. HAVE YOEEN THIS? HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS?CHEWMONEY:WHAT?!JIMMY:I'LL TELL YOU ONE THG: THEIR FOODHASN'T BEEN GETTG ALONG WH MY STOMACHFOR YEARS.CHEWMONEY:THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.JIMMY::MARTHA STEWART IS OUT OF JAIL. HAVEYOU SEEN THIS? HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUTTHIS?CHEWMONEY:OH YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT, SHE IS.JIMMY:SHE'S APPARENTLY GOTTEN REAL GOOD WHBAKG K WH KEYS THEM.NUT GOBBLER:SERV YOU RIGHT, YOU SON OF A BCH!JIMMY:NICE TEAMWORK, NUT GOBBLER.GOBBLER:I N'T BELIEVE YOU CHASED ME ALL THISWAY. YOU, YOU REALLY RE ABOUT ME.JIMMY:NOT REALLY. YOU'RE JT A HOOKER, ANDI NEED TO GET LAID. THE TALENT SHOWULD BE OVER ANY MUTE.GOBBLER:THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. TAKE METO BED.[SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY TALENT SHOW, NOW PROGRS. IKE IS ONSTAGGG "YANKEE DOODLE BOY"]IKE:I HAVE A YANKEE DOODLE SWEETHEART,SHE'S MY YANKEE DOODLE GIRL.[HOLDS UP SOME SPARKLERS]'ANKEE DOODLE ME TO LONDON,JT TO RI THE PONI,[THROWS THEM OFF AND GETS SI A SMALL NNON NEXT TO HIM.THE BARREL RIS UNTIL 'S LNCH PISN]I AM DA YANKEE DOODLEI AM DA YANKEE DOODLEI AM DA YANKEE DOODLE BOY.[THE NNON SHOOTS HIM OUT AND HE LANDS CLEAR ACROSS THE STAGE.SOME APPLSE GREETS THE PERFORMANCE. AS THE PROPS ARE TAKENAWAY, IKE TAK OFF HIS HAT AND BOWS LOW TO EVERYONE, THEN PUTSON HIS TOP HAT AND WALKS OFF]MRS. GARRISON:OKAY, VERY NICE, IKE, THANK YOU. ALLRIGHT, CHILDREN, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVENO MORE NTTANTS, WHICH MEANS, THETALENT SHOW IS OVER!PRINCIPAL VICTORIA:MR. MACKEY, 'S OVER.COUNSELOR MACKEY:HUH? OH OH OH, RIGHT.MRS. GARRISON:NOW WE WILL TALLY UP THE JUDG' SRAND FD OUT WHICH ACT THEY HATED THELEAST.JIMMY:HOLD EVERYTHG! MRS. GARRISON, IFYOU DON'T MD, I'LL BE TAKG THATMICROPHONE..OKAY, LET'S PUT OUR HANDS TOGETHER FORJIMMY VALMER.WOW, WHAT A TERRIFIC DIENCE. SO APPARENTLY'S BEEN EXACTLY TWO YEARS SCE THEFALL OF BAGHDAD. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS? JT AS B-BHPREDICTED, BAGHDAD FELL, IRAQ FELL,SADDAM FELL. THE ONLY THG THAT DIDN'TFALL WAS .. PRICE OF GAS. I JTREAD THE PAPER THAT CHA'S PROTTGJAPAN. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS? HAVE YOUHEARD ABOUT THIS? YEAH, I GUS CHAYOU DON'T GET TO- YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDGME.EMBEDCANCELHOW TO FORMAT LYRICS:TYPE OUT ALL LYRICS, EVEN REPEATG SONG PARTS LIKE THE CHOSLYRICS SHOULD BE BROKEN DOWN TO DIVIDUAL LUSE SECTN HEARS ABOVE DIFFERENT SONG PARTS LIKE [VERSE], [CHOS], ETC.USE ALICS (<I>LYRIC</I>) AND BOLD (<B>LYRIC</B>) TO DISTGUISH BETWEEN DIFFERENT VOLISTS THE SAME SONG PARTIF YOU DON’T UNRSTAND A LYRIC, E [?]TO LEARN MORE, CHECK OUT OUR TRANSCRIPTN GUI OR VIS OUR TRANSCRIBERS FOMABOUT

Mackey is gay. Mackey, you are gay.

MR MACKEY IS GAY

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Mackey is gay, Mr.