My Teen Son Says He's Gay | Psychology Today

Contents:

• GAY AND BISEXUAL ADOLCENT BOYS' PERSPECTIV ON PARENT-ADOLCENT RELATNSHIPS AND PARENTG PRACTIC RELATED TO TEEN SEX AND DATG
• A 16-YEAR-OLD WENT TO A GAY BAR WH A FAKE I.D. AND THGS COULD’VE END TERRIBLY IF NOT FOR THIS DRAG QUEEN
• HOW TO TELL IF YOUR SON IS GAY
• MY TEEN SON SAYS HE'S GAY
• MY SON THKS HE’S GAY
• IS YOUR CHILD GAY?
• MY 14 YEAR OLD GAY SON IS SEEING A 17 YEAR OLD
• MY LOVELY 16 YEAR OLD SON JT TOLD ME HE'S GAY
• GAY KIDS COMG OUT YOUNGER, BUT PARENTS ASK "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"
• Q: I'M A 16-YEAR-OLD GAY GUY. I'D...
• HOW CHRISTIAN PARENTS SHOULD RPOND TO THEIR CHILD'S GAY INTY CRISIS

GAY AND BISEXUAL ADOLCENT BOYS' PERSPECTIV ON PARENT-ADOLCENT RELATNSHIPS AND PARENTG PRACTIC RELATED TO TEEN SEX AND DATG

As such, the goal of the current study was to exame parent-adolcent relatnships and parentg practic related to teen sex and datg om the perspective of gay/bisexual adolcent mal. For gay/bisexual youth, parental relatnships n have profound impacts on sexual inty velopment, the abili to form and mata secure relatnships, and health out (Cook & Calebs, 2016; Rosar, 2015).

Given that parent-adolcent relatnships are often straed for gay/bisexual youth (Floyd, Ste, Harter, Allison, & Nye, 1999; Mtanski, Newb, & Garofalo, 2011; Ryan et al., 2009; Sav-Williams, 2003), parents of gay/bisexual youth may be ls likely to talk about sex, pecially if they feel unknowledgeable about or unfortable wh same-sex sexualy. Further, most parents of gay/bisexual youth do not share the same sexual orientatn wh their child and may be challengg for them to help their child navigate the domas of sex and datg if they are unaware of the unique aspects of same-sex relatnships (e.

In another study, young gay/bisexual mal and their parents both scribed parent-adolcent closens as protective agast sexual risk behavr (LaSala, 2015) and over half of the youth dited that fay members fluenced their sexual behavr.

A 16-YEAR-OLD WENT TO A GAY BAR WH A FAKE I.D. AND THGS COULD’VE END TERRIBLY IF NOT FOR THIS DRAG QUEEN

Parental monorg is ls effective wh youth who are volved ntexts that are unfaiar to parents (Dishn & McMahon, 1998), makg challengg for parents to monor gay/bisexual youth whout tn about how to do so (e.

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR SON IS GAY

Parental monorg has received very ltle attentn among gay/bisexual youth, but Thoma and Huebner (2014) found that was associated wh more ndomls sex for YMSM who were out to one parent and those who were uncerta if their parents knew their sexual orientatn. They suggted that monorg may not work for parents of YMSM, bee the youth may be dishont about their whereabouts, pecially if they perceive their parents as not acceptg their sexual sum, rearch is begng to document how parents fluence sexual risk behavr among gay/bisexual mal, but there are cril gaps.

Adolcence is a cril time to unrstand parental fluenc on sexual behavr among gay/bisexual mal, bee self-intifitn as gay/bisexual tends to occur durg this perd (Dunlap, 2016; Martos, Nezhad, & Meyer, 2015) and adolcence volv profound psychologil, social, and sexual change (Jsor, 1992; Mtanski, Kuper, & Greene, 2014). Fally, ltle is known about several important aspects of parent-child relatnships among gay/bisexual adolcent mal, cludg their perceptns of whether or not their sexual orientatn fluenc their relatnships wh their parents, discsns about sex/datg, and parental monorg.

MY TEEN SON SAYS HE'S GAY

We were terted the adolcent perspective on: (1) if and how sexual orientatn fluenc parent-adolcent relatnships, munitn about sex/datg, and parental monorg; (b) what parents say to gay/bisexual adolcent mal about sex/datg; and (c) how parents monor gay/bisexual adolcent mal' datg experienc. E., assigned male at birth and currently intify as male); (b) be 14-17 years old; (c) intify as gay, bisexual, queer, qutng, or same-sex attracted; (d) have phone and Inter accs; and (e) live the US. G., transportatn, ncerns about meetg an unfaiar place, ncerns about publicly intifyg onelf as part of a stigmatized group) (Fox, Morris, & Rumsey, 2007) and a group format was chosen to facilate a sense of belongg and muny among gay/bisexual youth (Greene, Fisher, Kuper, Andrews, & Mtanski, 2015; Ybarra, DuBois, Parsons, Prtt, & Mtanski, 2014).

RultsOur analys revealed three ma them: (1) beg gay/bisexual had both posive and negative effects on parent-adolcent relatnships; (2) beg gay/bisexual fluenced parentg practic (e. G., munitn about sex, monorg); and (3) beg gay/bisexual fluenced the domas regardls of whether or not youth were out to their parents, although there were some unique fluenc for those who were not out. For stance, a 17 year-old, Whe, gay male who was out to his parents scribed as: “Me and my parents don't really do thgs like we ed to before I me out to them and sce then 's like they kd of avoid me.

For example, a 16 year-old, Black, gay male scribed an experience wh his grandmother (who was his guardian): “… sce g out I feel like thgs between me and my grandmother has ma thg even better between . ” Another adolcent scribed that was ially awkward between him and his parents after he me out, but improved wh time: “At first me beg gay was a ltle awkward bee they didn't really know how to act about or how to ask about relatnships but after I had a uple boyiends 's pretty normal…” (17 year-old, Lato, gay, out to parents) addnal 8% reported that their sexual orientatn had a posive impact on their relatnship wh one parent, but a negative impact on their relatnship wh another parent.

MY SON THKS HE’S GAY

I thk beg gay mak me and my mom closer bee she lov gay guys -year-old, Black, gay, out to parentsFally, 26% reported that their sexual orientatn did not impact their relatnships wh their parents. -16, Whe, gay, not out to parentsAlthough most youth who were not out to their parents exprsed ncern that their parents would not approve of their sexual orientatn, one scribed that he had not e out to his parents bee he jt was not ready yet: “I am que close wh my parents and feel like I uld really tell them anythg if I need to…. I jt haven't fully e out due to the fact I jt don't feel ready to say but I know I uld if I need to…” (14 years-old, Whe, gay) of sexual orientatn on parent-adolcent munitn about sex/datgMost adolcents (76%) reported that beg gay/bisexual had an fluence on nversatns wh their parents about sex and datg (Table 2).

For stance, one adolcent said that, although his parents were supportive of his sexual orientatn, “beg gay kda affects our relatnship bee we n't talk about certa thgs I would like to talk about wh them” (16 years old, Lato, gay, out to parents) youth who were out to their parents, nversatns about sex/datg typilly changed after g out.

The nversatn was way different bee wh me beg gay they never want answers to the qutns they ask, but when they thought I was straight they were always enuragg me to engage wh femal. For stance, one said: “As far as relatnships go I've only had one which end up on the guy cheatg on me and basilly my mom told me that I shouldn't let him get the bt of me and that there will be another guy eventually” (17 years old, Lato, gay, out to parents).

IS YOUR CHILD GAY?

Siarly, another scribed: “… one effect [beg gay] has would be the fact that I don't necsarily share everythg wh them (stuff like beg the gsa [Gay Straight Alliance] at school, csh, etc” (15 years-old, Amerin Indian/Alaska Native, gay).

Siarly, another said: “… my mom tells me to jt wa till marriage [to have sex] or until I fd ‘the guy’ and if I don't wa at least let her know so I n be safe” (17 years old, Lato, gay, out to parents). -16 years old, Alaskan Native/Amerin Indian, gay, out to parentsA 15 year-old, Whe, bisexual male who was out to his parents also exprsed that his parents uld not tell if he was datg someone or jt iends wh them, but he reported that this led them to pay more attentn to his teractn: “I feel like my parents pay more close attentn to teractns wh my iends so they n tell if I'm secretly datg any of them or not. -16 year-old, Lato, gay, out to parentsThe rpons suggt that some teens do not nsir what their parents are dog as monorg, even though their parents' behavrs dite that they are keepg track of their behavrs and whereabouts.

They explaed that their parents assume that nothg sexual is happeng between them and their male iends, so if they knew that they were gay/bisexual, then the l would likely change. They might not want me to close or lock my door to my room when I had a guy over and they might be checkg on me if they found out I was gog out on a date -16, Whe, gay, not out to parentsDiscsnThe goal of the current study was to scribe gay/bisexual adolcent mal' perspectiv on their relatnships wh their parents, their munitn about sex/datg, and their parents' monorg of their datg activi.

MY 14 YEAR OLD GAY SON IS SEEING A 17 YEAR OLD

While most of the gay/bisexual adolcents said that they had good relatnships wh at least one of their parents, over half also said that g out had negative effects on their relatnships. Given that young gay/bisexual men scribe parent-adolcent closens as protective agast sexual risk behavr (LaSala, 2015), youth who feel supported by their parents may be ls likely to engage risk behavr. Adolcents who were not out to their parents also exprsed that beg gay/bisexual had a negative impact on their relatnships wh their parents, typilly exprsg ncern that their relatnships would change if they me out.

The parents may need awarens raised to potential differenc how they treat heterosexual vers gay/bisexual children and, some s, trag sensive ways to discs same-sex munitn about sex/datgMost adolcents felt that beg gay/bisexual also had an fluence on discsns about sex/datg wh their parents.

Ls is known about gay/bisexual youth, but many young gay/bisexual mal acknowledge that their parents have an fluence on their sexual behavr (LaSala, 2015) and that there are benefs of parent-adolcent munitn (e.

MY LOVELY 16 YEAR OLD SON JT TOLD ME HE'S GAY

Although one study found that parent-adolcent munitn about sex was associated wh more ndomls sex for YMSM who were out to their parents (Thoma & Huebner, 2014), the thors suggted that parental difficulti munitg about sex wh gay/bisexual youth may advertently nfer risk for ndomls sex.

”) Although qutns like this may reflect assumptns of heterosexualy, is also possible that some parents ask qutns like this an attempt to figure out if their child is gay/bisexual (e. Given that school-based sex tn typilly do not addrs the needs of gay/bisexual youth (Kubicek, Beyer, Weiss, Iverson, & Kipke, 2010; Santelli et al., 2006), the adolcents are unlikely to receive aquate sex tn om eher source. This is enuragg, as suggts that gay/bisexual male youth may be willg to participate fay-based HIV preventn programs to learn skills to improve their relatnships and to have the challengg nversatns.

In prev rearch, young gay/bisexual mal have exprsed that parents n facilate nversatns about sex by startg at an early age, beg knowledgeable about sexual orientatn and sexual health, and beg non-assumg and non-judgmental (Rose et al., 2014).

GAY KIDS COMG OUT YOUNGER, BUT PARENTS ASK "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"

If possible, may be beneficial for parents to nnect gay/bisexual teens wh olr gay/bisexual role mols to help them unrstand the risks and benefs associated wh datg/ parents who do not approve of their son beg gay/bisexual, munitn skills trag and sexual health tn alone are unlikely to be sufficient to crease parent-child munitn. Most adolcents our sample intified as gay and were out to their parents, so is remas unclear to what extent fdgs generalize to bisexual adolcent mal and those who are not out.

It will be important for future rearch to exame the fluence of parent-adolcent munitn about sex and parental monorg on sexual risk behavr among gay/bisexual adolcents g diverse methodologi (e. Dpe limatns, the current fdgs provi sight to gay/bisexual adolcent mal' perspectiv on how their sexual orientatn fluenc their relatnships wh their parents, discsns about sex and datg, and their parents' monorg of their behavr. Many years after occurred, an anonymo tumblr er has e forward wh a story about the horrific time a man slipped somethg to their drk a gay tablishment and dragged them outsi and to his r.

So below I've provid a better list of ways to tell if your son is a gay person who is you e home om work and you hear nois upstairs and you go up to vtigate and your son's door is open and you tch him "hookg up" (as kids ll today) wh his iend Michael, and you quickly turn around and walk back downstairs and later that night over dner you say "You know, honey, if there's ever anythg you need to tell me... " and he says "Mom, I'm gay, " then your son is your son has recently gone to llege and hasn't been touch much and you figure hey he's new to llege, he's by makg iends and whatnot, and then late one night he lls you on the phone soundg upset about somethg and you ask him what's wrong and he's quiet for a while and then says "Nothg's wrong, really, I'm jt...

Q: I'M A 16-YEAR-OLD GAY GUY. I'D...

Dad, I'm gay, " then your son is your son ever been on a long drive to one of your dghter's swim meets wh you and when stopped at a red light he's turned to you and said "Mom, I feel like I owe to you and dad to tell you that, well, Donald is my boyiend. Chanc are that if you are on your athbed and your tranged son to vis you the middle of a ray night and he ss by your bed quietly until he begs to cry and clutch your hand and says "I wish I'd told you sooner that I'm gay" and then you both stay there silence, you pretendg to be asleep, the only noise the beepg of the mach that will only keep you alive for a ltle while longer, your son is you and your spoe are ever visg your son the big cy he now liv wh all his fancy iends and fancy rtrants and you're out to an awkward lunch before your tra home and you three get to another potls fight about years-old stuff and 's really unfortable and fally you or your spoe says "Well, if you'd jt settle down wh the right girl, I thk-" and then your son terpts you by yellg "Guys, I'm GAY. " and then you lgh and ms his hair and the livg room your hband shows your son's boyiend his mol ships, then your son is probably gay, though he might be bisexual, so be reful about your son ever says "Oh my goodns, " when surprised or when openg a gift, well then yeah, he probably gay.

As I relayed When Your Child Is Gay: What You Need To Know (Sterlg, 2016), I found out that my son was gay om a note wh our son's name entwed wh another boy's, surround by a heart. Rather than emphasizg whether or not to try to cut off his terchange — there is, after all, nothg wrong wh beg gay — a more important, longer-term qutn would be, “How n I help him improve his social skills? So on the basis of some earlier, shakier rearch, along wh a good dose of mon sense, Bailey and Zucker hypothized that homosexuals would show an verted pattern of sex-typed childhood behavrs—ltle boys preferrg girls as playmat and beg fatuated wh their mother's makp k; ltle girls strangely enamored of field hockey or profsnal wrtlg—that sort of thg.

HOW CHRISTIAN PARENTS SHOULD RPOND TO THEIR CHILD'S GAY INTY CRISIS

Although only 12 percent of the women grew up to be genr dysphoric (the unfortable sense that your blogil sex do not match your genr), the odds of the women reportg a bisexual or homosexual orientatn were up to 23 tim higher than would occur a general sample of young women. Bailey and Zucker, who nducted a retrospective study which adults answered qutns about their past, revealed that 89 percent of randomly sampled gay men relled cross-sex-typed childhood behavrs exceedg the heterosexual median.

There is also evince of a “dosage effect”: the more genr-nonnformg characteristics there are childhood, the more likely is that a homosexual or bisexual orientatn will be prent adulthood.