'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• I MARRIED A GAY MAN
• ANONYMO IRS WHISTLEBLOWER PRENTS NUNDM FOR MEDIA – HE’S A ‘GAY DEMOCRAT MARRIED TO A MAN’
• ‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV
• FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY
• HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO
• THE DOUBLE LIFE OF A GAY MAN MARRIED FOR 20 YEARS

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men.

IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN

Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved. But if you're wonrg, "Is my man gay, " might be helpful to know that there are signs to look for, acrdg to Kaye.

If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner. What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife. The wife has not been aquate any way and likely the gay hband married her bee he tly red about her.

I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self. The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you. That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man).

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

I n’t promise you that your marriage is sufficiently “good enough” that your hband might never leave or cheat on you, nor do I thk the possibily that he might want to be wh another man at some pot the future will be an ditor that your marriage (or you) weren’t “good enough.” His gayns isn’t somethg you n ntralize by beg a sufficiently good or extra-lovg wife.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

If you have had any notn at all that this is a possibily, might help you to know the 6 signs that may suggt that your hband is gay.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

Issu ncerng sexual sire alone are not a sure-fire sign your hband is gay, but women who report that their hbands turned out to be gay often say this was somethg they noticed first. But remember, there n be many reasons why sex a marriage is ls than satisfyg, other than the fact that your hband may be gay.

I MARRIED A GAY MAN

Pop-ups of gay pornography have appeared on the puter he , even though he claims he has nothg to do wh . His social media ntacts are unual and full of people, or new iends that you don’t know how he knows them and many of which are gay.

It’s highly unlikely that, if your partner is straight, he would want to put his picture and rmatn on a gay datg se.

There will also be signs your hband is gay such as his behavral patterns, pecially ncerng other gay men.

ANONYMO IRS WHISTLEBLOWER PRENTS NUNDM FOR MEDIA – HE’S A ‘GAY DEMOCRAT MARRIED TO A MAN’

He viss gay bars equently even though he will claim that he’s jt there to socialize wh his gay iends. In most s, if your hband has been hidg gay tennci om you, ’s probably bee he is the closet and don’t know how to e out to you or anybody else his life.

And, if you do fd out signs your hband is gay, then the first thg that you’ll need to do is to s down and talk to him. It is entirely possible that he might ny that he’s gay om the offset, whout givg you any satisfactory answers to your qutns.

‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV

If you n live a marriage where you are sure that your hband might be gay, some personal unselg might help you work through this so that you n fd the right way forward for you.

FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY

If your hband do adm that he is gay, ’s important to remember that he didn’t choose this life to hurt you.

So, next time if you have siar doubts md, jt study your partner, check out his browsg histori and fd rmatn about his iends and you will e across signs your hband is gay. The steam room and sna at my lol Y served as a kd of after-work social club for men who were gay ― and for those who had wiv and kids. For example, when a “closeted” gay or bisexual man has sex wh another man, he views that sex as reflectg his secret gay/bisexual inty.

A mory of the men I terviewed were homophobic and held prejudice agast LGBTQ2+ people and this prejudice mak the thought of an LGBTQ2+ inty unappealg to them. Adam* said was dangero to e out as gay his home untry and feared beg forced to an arranged marriage wh a said he was "so lucky" to wed his soulmate, Ray, Manchter and wish everyone uld marry who they love.

HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO

There are more than 60 untri wh laws that crimalise same-sex sexual acts acrdg to the Internatnal Lbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans and Intersex Associatn, cludg Sdi Arabia. 'Authentilly myself'Ray said he had also stggled growg up gay the 1970s and 80s England, which was "tough" said his relig school "dmmed to you, 'you are gog to hell'" Adam returned home to Sdi Arabia, spe beg more than 3, 000 apart and later rtricted by the Covid-19 panmic, they kept touch daily and the romance years ago, Ray proposed on a vio ll and after succsfully applyg for a UK fiancé visa, Adam moved to Manchter December 2022. Adam said he had been aaid to even wear lours his home untry so the first thg he did when he moved was start to "grow my mullet, got my ears pierced and booked appotments for tattoos" relled how, ntrast, one of his gay iends Sdi had been forced to marry a woman, addg: "It has ed not only his life but the life of his wife.

The uple, who live London, said a "really betiful memory" was on the way home when one of their sons shouted out of the black b wdow to Trafalgar Square, "My dads jt got married" and cheered "Yay, gay marriage".

THE DOUBLE LIFE OF A GAY MAN MARRIED FOR 20 YEARS

Megan Holgate uldn’t que believe where she was the height of the Aids crisis and she was the wag room of an ner-cy STI clic, equented by those most at risk of HIV: gay men, jectg dg ers, sex, as she had been, a monogamo married had felt “too ashamed” to ask her doctor for the HIV tt. A posive rult, back then, would have been a ath the clic a iendly gay unsellor asked Megan to step to his room and asked her if everythg was OK. As her dad pulled up she opened her purse, fat wh not, and phed them all to the bewilred man’s hands before beg whisked is one of a potentially dyg breed of women: those who married closeted gay men.