Why Straight Women Are Attracted to Gay Men | Psychology Today Uned Kgdom

Contents:

• GAY MEN HAVG SEX WH WOMEN?
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• "WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, AND TRANSGENR?
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN MAKE THE BT OF FRIENDS
• CAN A GAY PERSON HAVE SEX WH A FEMALE?
• WOMEN WARM UP FASTER TO GAY MEN THAN STRAIGHT GUYS, STUDY SUGGTS
• WHY ARE GAY MEN OBSSED WH POWERFUL WOMEN?

GAY MEN HAVG SEX WH WOMEN?

To answer your qutn plaly wh the rmatn that you’ve shared, ’s likely that some gay men do have sexual relatnships wh women to hi their te orientatn, due to fear of g out. Ined, there are gay men who feel prsured to mask their sexualy bee of cultural, faial, relig, or personal beliefs that beg gay is wrong.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

And, although scientific studi this field are rare, sexual aroal to women has been measured groups of men wh several different sexual orientatns, cludg those who intify as gay. Archiv, sexual orientatn is ually prised of several parts: attractn, how one acts on that attractn, and how one intifi (gay, straight, bisexual, etc). A cisgenr man may experience romantic attractn towards other men, sexual attractn towards men and women, but he choos to intify as gay.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Surveys among high school stunts found differenc between inty and sexual behavrs, wh many of the self-intified gay or lbian stunts mentng that they engage sexual activi wh those of other genrs. I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad. Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn.

Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective.

Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns. So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay.

"WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED

He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him.

Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay. And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me. He had also been tellg me thgs like, “If you ever tell anybody the silly stori about me beg gay, then that’s , we’re done.

Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show).

There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men. You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife. I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN

Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure. A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually. Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv.

Weed is a practicg Mormon and the Church’s current stance on the topic of homosexualy n be summed up like so: “The attractn self is not a s, but actg on is. ” While Weed says he do not pass judgment on gay relatnships general, when me to his own life, he says, “I didn’t feel was right. There are some key differenc between the two groups: “Ex-gays” believe that they have succsfully “cured” themselv of homosexualy.

(Note that Ksey’s “Sexual Behavr the Human Male” found that only 10 percent of men were "more or ls exclively homosexual.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

Although he once supported nversn therapy, about a ago he me out agast and do not believe that gay people n be ma straight.

But there are plenty of SSA men who believe that homosexual behavrs are a relig s -- and, as the recent amic brief shows, some are willg to go so far as to policize their inty orr to fight equal rights for gays. There was even a recent TLC documentary, "My Hband's Not Gay, " about Mormon hoeholds Utah posed of same-sex attracted men married to women. "In some ways, a very relig, exclively gay man married to an asexual woman, they n have a very nice iendship, a very wonrful relatnship many ways, and wouldn't be a fay therapist's dream, but would be fe for them.

I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self. The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you.

HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, AND TRANSGENR?

That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man). For the most part, relatnships between gay men and straight women are healthy and posive, wh one exceptn I'll get to later. Sure, an ocsnal teenage girl falls for a boy who's gay, but don't take most girls very long to figure out that, this se, where there's smoke, there's most fely not fire.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

In general, the attractn women feel for gay men tends to be emotnal nature, clearg the way for a highly satisfyg relatnship that outlasts most other relatnships gay men and straight women have.

To beg, I'll addrs how and why straight women are emotnally attracted to gay men—an attractn, by the way, that is returned by gay men spas. First, bee most straight women don’t feel sexual toward gay men, the relatnship don’t rry the threat of sexual tensn. Send, straight women love gay men bee closens wh gay men provis a wdow to how the mds of men work, somethg that women want to know as they navigate datg waters wh their straight male peers.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE

Though there are, of urse, differenc between straight and gay men, gay men are neverthels men who share many characteristics and motivatns wh straight men. When to the sexualy of young straight and gay men—meang, how equently they thk about sex, want , or feel impatient to get to the actual sex part—there are undoubtedly siari.

When a straight woman hangs out wh a gay man, she begs to put the puzzle together that men, general, treat sex differently than women do. In general, gay men, and gay women, too, tend to be more fearls than their straight unterparts—particularly straight men—bee they’ve ually experienced bullyg and prejudice bee of their sexual orientatn. As out adults, gay men ually learn to accept themselv and stop tryg so hard to w the approval and acceptance of others.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

Meanwhile, gay men have the social license to be as outrageo or emotnal as they want to be bee gay men don't have to f to such a tightly prcribed role.

The group of women I’m referrg to are often lled "f*g hags, " a term that manag to be rogatory toward two groups: women and gay men. Instead, they feel more fortable removg the sexual factor that exists at straight bars and prefer the harmlsns that wh socializg wh gay men gay surroundgs. This type of relatnship is often unhealthy, wh women choosg gay men as iends for superficial reasons: bee they're more fun and love to shop.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN MAKE THE BT OF FRIENDS

Siarly, their gay male iends often treat their female iends as social accsori until the men fd a guy to hook up wh up later the night.

If straight women and gay men foc on fdg iendships where there's te emotnal patibily and rpect, they n velop one of the most rewardg relatnships a person uld have. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men. Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own. In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved.

CAN A GAY PERSON HAVE SEX WH A FEMALE?

If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner. What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife.

Increasg numbers of populatn-based surveys the Uned Stat and across the world clu qutns that allow for an timate of the size of the lbian, gay, bisexual, and transgenr (LGBT) populatn.

WOMEN WARM UP FASTER TO GAY MEN THAN STRAIGHT GUYS, STUDY SUGGTS

Unrstandg the size of the lbian, gay, bisexual, and transgenr (LGBT) populatn is a cril first step to rmg a host of public policy and rearch topics. In measurg sexual orientatn, lbian, gay, and bisexual dividuals may be intified strictly based on their self-inty or may be possible to nsir same-sex sexual behavr or sexual attractn.

WHY ARE GAY MEN OBSSED WH POWERFUL WOMEN?

Fdgs shown Figure 1 nsir timat of the percentage of adults who self-intify as lbian, gay, or bisexual across ne surveys nducted wh the past seven years. While the surveys show a fairly wi variatn the overall percentage of adults who intify as LGB, the proportn who intify as lbian/gay vers bisexual is somewhat more nsistent (see Figure 2).