What to Do When Your Child Says: "I'm Gay" | Psychology Today

Contents:

• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"
• IS YOUR CHILD GAY?
• MY SON MIGHT BE GAY. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HIM?
• MY SON IS GAY
• RPONDG TO ADULT CHILD WHO SAYS HE’S GAY
• I THK OUR SON IS GAY
• PRI MONTH READS: I THK OUR SON IS GAY CENTERS ON A MOM WHO REALIZ THE DIFFICULTI OF COMG OUT
• HOW TO TELL IF YOUR SON IS GAY
• MANY PARENTS STGGLE TO ADJT AFTER LEARNG CHILD IS GAY, STUDY FDS
• I THK OUR SON IS GAY 03
• HELP! MY SON IS GAY
• I TRIED TO STOP MY SON FROM BEG GAY. I WISH I HADN'T
• I THK OUR SON IS GAY REVIEW – A REHG NEW EDY MANGA
• IS MY SON GAY OR IS A PHASE?
• I THK OUR SON IS GAY 01

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"

As I relayed When Your Child Is Gay: What You Need To Know (Sterlg, 2016), I found out that my son was gay om a note wh our son's name entwed wh another boy's, surround by a heart.

Had I asked him if he were gay when he was 13, he probably would have fensively said "No! San Berland, the mother of a gay son who ach parents of LGBTQ kids, utn, "It's not a good ia to ask.

IS YOUR CHILD GAY?

Acrdg to my -thor, psychiatrist Jonathan Tobk, "Gay children feel credibly vulnerable when g out to their parents, and tak time to work up the urage to do this.

Watch gay-themed shows together such as "The Fosters" and "Will and Grace.

In a way, you have an advantage by not knowg; giv you more time to prepare for the day (if ever) when he do reveal he's gay.

MY SON MIGHT BE GAY. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HIM?

When parents learn that their child is gay, lbian, bisexual, or transgenr, they n experience a range of emotns. As a matter of fact, you might someday look back and fd that you are grateful for the experience of havg a gay or lbian child.

MY SON IS GAY

Well, my study of 65 fai of gay and lbian youth for the book, Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, I found that some parents get to the pot where they believe that the experience of havg a gay child actually ma them a better person—more open-md and sensive to the needs of others, particularly those other mory groups. If you jt found out your child is gay, lbian, bisexual, or transgenr, you may be thkg that such ias are prepostero. The tstworthy nfidants let them vent but also rrected some of the misperceptns they absorbed om society, such as that gay people are lonely, unhappy, promiscuo, not fay-oriented, unable to have children, or sted for an unhappy life.

RPONDG TO ADULT CHILD WHO SAYS HE’S GAY

Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lbians, and Gays Talk About Their Experienc. Both lbians and gay men often have a history of cross-sex-typed behavrs: ltle boys beg fatuated wh their mother's makp k; ltle girls enamored of field hockey or profsnal wrtlg. Prehomosexual boys tend to be more attracted to solary sports such as swimmg, cyclg and tennis than they are to rougher ntact sports such as football and soccer.

Children who show pronounced sex-atypil behavrs may have more of a geic loadg to their homosexualy. The behavral patterns are feared, loathed and often spoken of directly as harbgers of adult homosexualy. It is only relatively recently, however, that velopmental scientists have nducted ntrolled studi to intify the earlit and most reliable signs of adult homosexualy.

I THK OUR SON IS GAY

In lookg refully at the childhoods of gay adults, rearchers are fdg an trigug set of behavral ditors that homosexuals seem to have mon.

Curly enough, the age-old homophobic fears of many parents reflect some genue predictive currency.

Zucker, both psychologists, published a semal paper on childhood markers of homosexualy 1995.

PRI MONTH READS: I THK OUR SON IS GAY CENTERS ON A MOM WHO REALIZ THE DIFFICULTI OF COMG OUT

So on the basis of some earlier, shakier rearch, along wh a good dose of mon sense, Bailey and Zucker hypothized that homosexuals would show an verted pattern of sex-typed childhood behavrs—ltle boys preferrg girls as playmat and beg fatuated wh their mother's makp k; ltle girls strangely enamored of field hockey or profsnal wrtlg—that sort of thg. Given that a small proportn of the populatn is homosexual, prospective studi require a large number of children. Although only 12 percent of the women grew up to be genr dysphoric (the unfortable sense that your blogil sex do not match your genr), the odds of the women reportg a bisexual or homosexual orientatn were up to 23 tim higher than would occur a general sample of young women.

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR SON IS GAY

Bailey and Zucker, who nducted a retrospective study which adults answered qutns about their past, revealed that 89 percent of randomly sampled gay men relled cross-sex-typed childhood behavrs exceedg the heterosexual median. The thors found that “those targets who, as adults, intified themselv as homosexual were judged to be genr nonnformg as children. There is also evince of a “dosage effect”: the more genr-nonnformg characteristics there are childhood, the more likely is that a homosexual or bisexual orientatn will be prent adulthood.

Not all ltle boys who like to wear drs grow up to be gay, nor do all ltle girls who spise drs bee lbians.

I took to middle school wrtlg as a rather scrawny 80-pound eighth grar, and so dog, ironilly beme all too nsc of my homosexual orientatn. Cross-cultural data show that prehomosexual boys are more attracted to solary sports such as swimmg, cyclg and tennis than they are to rougher ntact sports such as football and soccer; they are also ls likely to be childhood bulli.

MANY PARENTS STGGLE TO ADJT AFTER LEARNG CHILD IS GAY, STUDY FDS

Rearchers readily nce that there are que likely multiple—and no doubt extremely plited—velopmental rout to adult homosexualy.

Bee the data often reveal very early emergg tras prehomosexuals, children who show pronounced sex-atypil behavrs may have more of a geic loadg to their homosexualy, whereas gay adults who were sex-typil as children might trace their homosexualy more directly to particular childhood experienc. Why do parents worry so much about whether their child may or may not be gay?

I THK OUR SON IS GAY 03

All else beg equal, I spect we would be hard-prsed to fd parents who would actually prefer their offsprg to be homosexual. Evolutnarily, parental homophobia is a no-braer: gay sons and lbian dghters are not likely to reproduce (unls they get creative). Lang, Elton John and Rachel Maddow's close relativ, but I n only image that the straight k are far better off terms of their own reproductive opportuni than they would be whout a homosexual danglg so magnificently on their fay tre.

So cultivate your ltle prehomosexual's native talents, and your ultimate geic payoff uld, strangely enough, be even larger wh one very special gay child than would be if 10 medcre straight offsprg leaped om your los.

I n say as a once prehomosexual pipsqueak that some preparatn on the part of others would have ma easier on me, rather than nstantly fearg rejectn or worryg about some rels slipup leadg to my “exposure. And another thg: mt be pretty hard to look to your prehomosexual toddler's limpid ey, bsh away the okie cmbs om her cheek and toss her out on the streets for beg article was origally published wh the tle "Is Your Child Gay?

HELP! MY SON IS GAY

Gay, Straight, and the Reason Why: The Science of Sexual Orientatn.

I psed on our lol PBS affiliate, where a huge choir was sgg, and after a few sends I realized was the Gay Men's Chos of some cy or another dog a fundraisg ncert.

At this time my life, I was 99 percent certa I was gay, though nowhere near ready to sprg on my parents.

I TRIED TO STOP MY SON FROM BEG GAY. I WISH I HADN'T

We had no gay people our liv back then, no way to gge my fay's level of tolerance. We had no gay people our liv back then, no way to gge my fay's level of watched as they livered a rendn of what I remember as "Somewhere Over the Rabow, " bee eher they or my memory are unfivably basic. Stirrg and brave and subversive, g as did a time before marriage equaly was on the map, a time when you only saw gay people on the news.

It means one simple, pable thg: Once you have told your dad you're gay, there is no gog back. Right now, he has to be secretive, not bee he's gay, but bee he's 17. I'd love to say that you should do a big, showy "Hey, I sure do like those gay people" at the dner table.

I THK OUR SON IS GAY REVIEW – A REHG NEW EDY MANGA

I wish were as simple and CBS-smy as ve the gay guy om work to fay bowlg night. Wh gay marriage makg headl around the world, parents are lookg for helpful ways to intify wh children, iends, and fay members who intify as homosexual or same-sex attracted.

"Our church never warned to thk through how you would want to rpond if your son tells you he's gay. Jordan's story is rerd a Christiany Today feature article, "Hope for the Gay Unrgrad. In our discsns about Jordan, she has been very firm her belief that the Bible says homosexualy is a choice.

IS MY SON GAY OR IS A PHASE?

As I listened to them dialogue about that, I started to see that "choice" is probably not the bt word to e when talkg wh those stgglg wh homosexualy. Statg that homosexualy is a choice n make perfect sense to those of not alg wh the issue, but for those the church today who are tryg to figure out why they are havg same-sex attractns, I n see how uld be hugely trimental and create far more pa than hope and healg.

I THK OUR SON IS GAY 01

If our words are drivg our sons and dghters toward those the gay muny who "better unrstand" their stggl, then I believe we are also beg ceived about the way God would sire we share the gospel. I feel like many dividuals the church who are stgglg wh homosexualy tend to feel that their only optns are to hi the tense battle they're wagg ternally, move to the gay muny for acceptance, or m suici. From what I'm told, there are many the church, like my son, who say they have homosexual attractns, but are choosg not to act on that s and stead, to live a chaste life servg the Lord.