Can Gay and Straight Men Really Be Friends? | Psychology Today South Ai

Contents:

• IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?
• SOME GAYS CAN GO STRAIGHT, STUDY SAYS
• CAN GAYS BEE STRAIGHT?
• IS IT POSSIBLE TO SYSTEMATILLY TURN GAY PEOPLE STRAIGHT?
• HOW TO LEAD A HETEROSEXUAL LIFTYLE IF YOU ARE GAY
• CAN SOME GAY MEN AND LBIANS CHANGE THEIR SEXUAL ORIENTATN? 200 PARTICIPANTS REPORTG A CHANGE OM HOMOSEXUAL TO HETEROSEXUAL ORIENTATN
• THE FACT NO ONE LIK TO ADM: MANY GAY MEN ULD JT HAVE EASILY BEEN STRAIGHT
• CAN GAY AND STRAIGHT MEN REALLY BE FRIENDS?

IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

If you’re a young man, you might assume that eher you’re straight or you’re not, meang you’re likely gay and maybe bisexual.

Yet the evince suggts that more young men intify or scribe themselv as mostly straight than intify as eher bisexual or gay bed. Yet when the men were forced to choose between straight, bisexual or gay, about three-quarters marked straight bee for them bisexual, even if is unrstood as “bisexual-leang straight, ” is too gay to accurately scribe their inty. Tradnally, our unrstandg has been that if you’re male and have even a slight attractn to the same sex, then you mt be gay.

He’s not a closeted gay man who fears beg gay yet wants to keep a slight, perhaps secretive, gay si by danglg his potential for guy sex.

SOME GAYS CAN GO STRAIGHT, STUDY SAYS

He may retreat om a full intifitn wh heterosexualy, but rarely do he gravate toward bisexualy, and almost never do he move toward homosexualy of any sort. It is Mostly Straight: Sexual Fluidy Among Men, not Mostly Straight: Sexual Fluidy Among Gay Men. In his Royal Oaks, Michigan, practice, Joe specializ Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy and IMAGO Relatnship Therapy, often treatg men who are qutng their sexual orientatn.

Number one is the high cince of male-female upl enterg my office bee the woman thks her man might be gay. He’s actually straight, but for whatever reason, he’s been lookg at gay porn or he’s been havg sex wh men.

CAN GAYS BEE STRAIGHT?

A lot of the time the men e on their own and they’re holdg my book about g out as gay, and they want to know, “Is this me? And I thk ’s very important to state right here that I’m a gay man, yet here I am sayg that most of the time the men who are beg sexual wh other men aren’t gay. That’s unual, bee most gay men, even most gay therapists, believe that if a guy is havg gay sex, he’s gay.

” I always joke wh clients that for me, as a gay man, when I’m walkg on the beach and checkg people out, the women are the way. Wh gay clients, they say they feel the same way; wh bisexual clients, they say they’re lookg at both the men and the women; wh straight clients, they say they’re lookg only at the women.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO SYSTEMATILLY TURN GAY PEOPLE STRAIGHT?

When a man is a long-term relatnship wh a woman but beg sexual wh men, eher lookg at porn or havg actual sex, he eher will or won’t be homophobic. The straight men have no homophobia at all—to the pot where they’re willg to seek unselg om me, an openly gay therapist. A lot of tim the gay men never even make to me (whout promptg om their wife, anyway) bee they’re riddled wh homophobia and I’m too gay for them.

So if a client is stgglg wh his sexual orientatn and he’s got a lot of homophobia, he’s probably gay. A gay guy wants to do all of that wh a man, a bisexual guy might want a man or a woman, and the straight guy wants to only be wh a woman that way. Even if he’s nfed and don’t want to e out as gay, this is who he is and over time that will e out.

So this is a way of bondg wh men—ironilly, through sex—and happens not bee the man is gay but bee he don’t know any other way to get this need met. Eher they’re worried that their man will eventually ci he’s gay and end the relatnship, or they want monogamy, and his cheatg is a threat to the marriage regardls of who he’s dog wh. And I should pot out here that the men when they’re engagg this behavr (regardls of whether they’re gay, straight or bi) nearly always tell themselv that what they’re dog is not cheatg bee they’re dog wh a guy.

HOW TO LEAD A HETEROSEXUAL LIFTYLE IF YOU ARE GAY

Crics, though, say the study's subjects may be ludg themselv and that the subject group was scientifilly valid bee many of them were referred by anti-gay relig Robert Spzer, a psychiatry profsor at Columbia Universy, said he began his study as a skeptic — believg, as major mental health anizatns do, that sexual orientatn nnot be changed, and attempts to do so n even e Spzer's study, which has not yet been published or reviewed, seems to dite otherwise. Spzer says he spoke to 143 men and 57 women who say they changed their orientatn om gay to straight, and nclud that 66 percent of the men and 44 percent of women reached what he lled good heterosexual functng — a staed, lovg heterosexual relatnship wh the past year and gettg enough emotnal satisfactn to rate at least a seven on a 10-pot said those who changed their orientatn had satisfyg heterosexual sex at least monthly and never or rarely thought of someone of the same sex durg also found that 89 percent of men and 95 percent of women were bothered not at all or only slightly by unwanted homosexual feelgs. However, only 11 percent of men and 37 percent of women reported a plete absence of homosexual ditors.

CAN SOME GAY MEN AND LBIANS CHANGE THEIR SEXUAL ORIENTATN? 200 PARTICIPANTS REPORTG A CHANGE OM HOMOSEXUAL TO HETEROSEXUAL ORIENTATN

Spzer argu that highly motivated gays n fact change that preference — wh a lot of Study, Old DebateBut crics have challenged the study, even before was formally unveiled at today's ssn of the Amerin Psychiatric Associatn's annual meetg New Orleans, which was jammed wh televisn meras reportg on the prentatn.

Ariel Shidlo and Michael Shroer, two psychologists private practice New York Cy, found that of 215 homosexual subjects who received therapy to change their sexual orientatn, the majory failed to do so. "There's no doubt that many homosexuals who have been unsuccsful and, attemptg to change, bee prsed and their life be worse, " he said.

THE FACT NO ONE LIK TO ADM: MANY GAY MEN ULD JT HAVE EASILY BEEN STRAIGHT

"In fact, he said, many of his subjects had been sponnt and even suicidal themselv, for the oppose reason — "precisely bee they had prevly thought there was no hope for them, and they had been told by many mental health profsnals that there was no hope for them, they had to jt learn to live wh their homosexual feelgs.

"He said some velop such tremendo strs that they bee chronilly prsed, socially whdrawn or even Spzer says his study shows that some homosexuals makg some effort, ually for a few years, make the change.

CAN GAY AND STRAIGHT MEN REALLY BE FRIENDS?

"We found that women our sample moved om a ls extreme homosexual to a more heterosexual level than did men, " Spzer says. Halman, however, noted that some 43 percent of those sampled were referred by relig groups that nmn homosexualy. Another 23 percent were referred by the Natnal Associatn for Rearch and Therapy of Homosexualy, which says most of s members nsir homosexualy a velopmental disorr.