'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND BY DEBRA SUTTON
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• ‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV
• THEY LIVED A 'DOUBLE LIFE' FOR S. NOW, THE GAY ELRS ARE TELLG THEIR STORI.
• THE DOUBLE LIFE OF A GAY MAN MARRIED FOR 20 YEARS
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• CLOSETED GAY MEN – WHY ARE THEY STILL THERE?

SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND BY DEBRA SUTTON

My gay ex broke an anniversary dner wh me and plans for New Year tellg me that he knew the guys a lot longer than he knew me.

) Hidg Behd Relign-Some gay hbands hi behd the church g and twistg scripture as a form of domance, ntrol, and obedience. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men. Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own.

In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved. If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner. What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife.

Sadly, most married, closeted gay men are manipulative, narcissistic n artists who only thk about themselv wh only ocsnal feelgs of guilt and remorse. Often is acpanied by doubt and self-blame, for example, "If I'd been enough of a woman (or man), he (or she) would not be gay. Sce all men and women have been raised siar cultur, they have rporated the “ials” of masculy whether they are gay, straight, bisexual, or other.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

But toxic masculy is not a uniquely heterosexual problem, and some straight women are or were married to very toxic gay men. Projectn is fundamental to toxic masculy, and one of the characteristics is a disda for homosexualy which generat shame, self-hatred, and even gay bashg.

Early theori about the velopment of homosexualy rerced this ia that to be “a well-veloped homosexual, ” startg adolcence, one begs to pass through stag of homosexual velopment a lear fashn. My experienc nnot be ed to generalize about all gay men mixed-orientatn marriag, and I would not enurage anyone to seek rapprochement wh an abive man, but gay men are as different om each other as are heterosexual men. Megan Holgate uldn’t que believe where she was the height of the Aids crisis and she was the wag room of an ner-cy STI clic, equented by those most at risk of HIV: gay men, jectg dg ers, sex, as she had been, a monogamo married had felt “too ashamed” to ask her doctor for the HIV tt.

IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN

A posive rult, back then, would have been a ath the clic a iendly gay unsellor asked Megan to step to his room and asked her if everythg was OK. As her dad pulled up she opened her purse, fat wh not, and phed them all to the bewilred man’s hands before beg whisked is one of a potentially dyg breed of women: those who married closeted gay men. And many of the men, embolned by the sense of eedom and h excement afford them by disverg the gay scene, pletely scrib the impact had on her children.

Her anger wasn’t at him, but at his fay and culture for not lettg him be who he should have been the first place: “It was like he didn’t know how to be gay. If you have had any notn at all that this is a possibily, might help you to know the 6 signs that may suggt that your hband is gay. Issu ncerng sexual sire alone are not a sure-fire sign your hband is gay, but women who report that their hbands turned out to be gay often say this was somethg they noticed first.

But remember, there n be many reasons why sex a marriage is ls than satisfyg, other than the fact that your hband may be gay.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

His social media ntacts are unual and full of people, or new iends that you don’t know how he knows them and many of which are gay.

It’s highly unlikely that, if your partner is straight, he would want to put his picture and rmatn on a gay datg se. In most s, if your hband has been hidg gay tennci om you, ’s probably bee he is the closet and don’t know how to e out to you or anybody else his life. And, if you do fd out signs your hband is gay, then the first thg that you’ll need to do is to s down and talk to him.

‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV

It is entirely possible that he might ny that he’s gay om the offset, whout givg you any satisfactory answers to your qutns. If you n live a marriage where you are sure that your hband might be gay, some personal unselg might help you work through this so that you n fd the right way forward for you.

So, next time if you have siar doubts md, jt study your partner, check out his browsg histori and fd rmatn about his iends and you will e across signs your hband is gay. Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight.

THEY LIVED A 'DOUBLE LIFE' FOR S. NOW, THE GAY ELRS ARE TELLG THEIR STORI.

The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show).

There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men.

THE DOUBLE LIFE OF A GAY MAN MARRIED FOR 20 YEARS

They make this choice wh open discsns, which are very paful and emotnal for both the gay man and the straight wife. You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife.

I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage. Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure.

A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually. Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv. ” Jim, now 62, ns a group Boston lled GAMMA – the Gay and Married Men’s Associatn – one of many siar groups which meet ci around the a month they gather for two hours to share stori.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

In Boston, Jim says he’s seen men outed after beg arrted cisg at gay bears, or outed by private vtigators hired by their those who are still the closet, n be paful, terrifyg, and exhstg. He knew he had been attracted to men adolcence, but was somethg he tried not to thk was the mid-70s, but spe the sexual revolutn happeng around him, he says homosexualy jt wasn’t somethg you thought loved his wife. “Some guys believe that beg gay has lerally jt happened then, but then you dig a ltle eper and you often fd out that they’ve had [those feelgs] sce childhood, ” he both Sydney and Boston, the average age of men who e to group meetgs has been fallg.

“A lot of the younger people we see knew they were gay and realised but wanted to have the tradnal fay and kids and thought they uld ratnalise , or told themselv they were bi, ” Jim says. ”Rippg off the band-aidJim says didn’t que click for him that he was gay until he was his early 30s and accintally stumbled upon a gay beat a public bathroom.

He was rponsible for preparg discharge and reassignment paperwork, and sometim he would have to dishonorably discharge men for beg gay. “At that time I realized that I was gay, and was jt difficult to know that people were beg discharged for the same thg that I was my life.

CLOSETED GAY MEN – WHY ARE THEY STILL THERE?

”“What bothered me the most was havg to talk to the guys that were beg discharged, and they were not a good state of wellns anyway, bee at that time, was illegal or nsired mental problems to be gay, ” he Cunngham, 82, and Richard Prtt, 78, have llectively spent 115 years the closet. Godss Magora Kennedy, who participated the Stonewall uprisg, and Pl Barby, who ran for Congrs as an openly gay man 1996 and 1998. ”Livg a 'double life'Cunngham said he realized he was gay as a teenager, but he didn’t know the word “gay” at the time — he jt knew he was different.

The Amerin Psychiatric Associatn also classified homosexualy as a mental disorr the Diagnostic and Statistil Manual of Mental Disorrs until 1973, when that classifitn was replaced wh “sexual orientatn disturbance.