Gay Men and Straight Men as Friends | Psychology Today

Contents:

• GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT MEN AS FRIENDS
• IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?
• WHY SOME STRAIGHT PEOPLE MIGHT HAVE GAY SEX
• CAN SCTN MAKE STRAIGHT MEN GAY?

GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT MEN AS FRIENDS

Of urse, some intify as straight but are realy closeted bisexuals or gays by sexual orientatn—perhaps likely to e out at a later age (if ever). Sex the Cy, Will and Grace), though a lot ls has been said about how gay and straight men regnize and negotiate the distct challeng, plitns, and rewards of their iendships.

IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

S., before there was such a thg as a gay inty, some straight men would, wh ltle shame, engage sexual ntact wh other men (ually allowg themselv to be fellated) when female partners were otherwise unavailable (see Gee Chncey’s semal book, Gay New York: Genr, Urban Culture, and the Makg of the Gay Male World 1890-1940) and there is good reason to believe this still occurs other untri and cultur. Gay men have suffered physil, social, and psychologil abe at the hands of heterosexually intified mal who, thanks to homophobia and heterosexism, felt fully jtified flictg the terrors. This legacy of vlence, both physil and psychologil, flicted by straight men toward those of who are gay naturally fuels our utn and distst at the thought of beiendg them.

WHY SOME STRAIGHT PEOPLE MIGHT HAVE GAY SEX

For the straight guy, iendship wh a gay man offers the opportuny to learn important lsons about masculy, male inty, sexual orientatn, and diversy. As the quote go: You n never have too many iends—and iendships between gay and straight guys n be healg and uniquely satisfyg for all volved. “By unrstandg their same-sex sexual practice as meangls, accintal, or even necsary, straight whe men n perform homosexual ntact heterosexual ways…Ward argu that the real reason ‘straight’ men behave the ways is to ‘reaffirm rather than challenge their genr and racial inty’ and ‘to leverage whens and masculy to thentite their heterosexualy the ntext of sex wh men.

What Ward don’t addrs is whether the straight men are actually straight or some other sexual orientatn — such as mostly straight, bisexual, or gay--nial/hidg. In his Royal Oaks, Michigan, practice, Joe specializ Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy and IMAGO Relatnship Therapy, often treatg men who are qutng their sexual orientatn.

And I thk ’s very important to state right here that I’m a gay man, yet here I am sayg that most of the time the men who are beg sexual wh other men aren’t gay. ” I always joke wh clients that for me, as a gay man, when I’m walkg on the beach and checkg people out, the women are the way. Wh gay clients, they say they feel the same way; wh bisexual clients, they say they’re lookg at both the men and the women; wh straight clients, they say they’re lookg only at the women.

CAN SCTN MAKE STRAIGHT MEN GAY?

When a man is a long-term relatnship wh a woman but beg sexual wh men, eher lookg at porn or havg actual sex, he eher will or won’t be homophobic.

A lot of tim the gay men never even make to me (whout promptg om their wife, anyway) bee they’re riddled wh homophobia and I’m too gay for them. A gay guy wants to do all of that wh a man, a bisexual guy might want a man or a woman, and the straight guy wants to only be wh a woman that way. So this is a way of bondg wh men—ironilly, through sex—and happens not bee the man is gay but bee he don’t know any other way to get this need met.

Eher they’re worried that their man will eventually ci he’s gay and end the relatnship, or they want monogamy, and his cheatg is a threat to the marriage regardls of who he’s dog wh. And I should pot out here that the men when they’re engagg this behavr (regardls of whether they’re gay, straight or bi) nearly always tell themselv that what they’re dog is not cheatg bee they’re dog wh a guy.

• Could a straight guy get dnk enough to fool around wh another guy jt bee “felt good”, or is more likely that he has some gay/bi/cur feelgs that perhaps he’s been reprsg? Even acuntg for the fact that he might remember some of what happened, don't mean he's bisexual, secretly gay, or that you're his magil "exceptn. I've seen other gay guys that fell for a straight guy (typilly a iend) and wanted to lu themselv to believg that a relatnship was possible.

I’ve told you that I don’t thk this mak you gay or even bi, but ’s not like you n jt prt off this post and show to your girliend as proof.

So until they fd themselv a siar suatn, they don’t see how n be possible for a straight person to have a sexual experience wh a person of the same sex and not be gay or at least bisexual. It simply don’t matter so much who is gay and who isn’t ( most quarters), and hangg out wh gay men when you are straight is no big al. “Sure,” he rpond, “to get somethg done I need done!” It mak sense, a shrewd nice-lookg younger man his charm and don’t happen to re if the teractn is wh a gay man.