Dear Pnce: I’m a straight woman who married a gay man.

Contents:

• I MARRIED A GAY MAN
• GAY SUPPORT: WHERE TO FD LGBT HELP AND SUPPORT GROUPS
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2

I MARRIED A GAY MAN

GAMMA is a peer support group for men who are gay, bisexual, qutng or don't intify themselv as any of the above, but who are attracted to men; and who are, or who were, married or otherwise volved wh a woman. Sadly, most married, closeted gay men are manipulative, narcissistic n artists who only thk about themselv wh only ocsnal feelgs of guilt and remorse.

Often is acpanied by doubt and self-blame, for example, "If I'd been enough of a woman (or man), he (or she) would not be gay. Sce all men and women have been raised siar cultur, they have rporated the “ials” of masculy whether they are gay, straight, bisexual, or other.

But toxic masculy is not a uniquely heterosexual problem, and some straight women are or were married to very toxic gay men. My closeted gay hband looks at me wh rentment and disda, and he ab me physilly, emotnally, and verbally.

GAY SUPPORT: WHERE TO FD LGBT HELP AND SUPPORT GROUPS

Projectn is fundamental to toxic masculy, and one of the characteristics is a disda for homosexualy which generat shame, self-hatred, and even gay bashg.

One woman wrote, Don't tell me they don't know they're gay by the time they're their teens. Early theori about the velopment of homosexualy rerced this ia that to be “a well-veloped homosexual, ” startg adolcence, one begs to pass through stag of homosexual velopment a lear fashn.

My experienc nnot be ed to generalize about all gay men mixed-orientatn marriag, and I would not enurage anyone to seek rapprochement wh an abive man, but gay men are as different om each other as are heterosexual men. Many lbian, gay, bisexual or transgenr people e out years after they have been married to an oppose-sex heterosexual wife or hband.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

"It's nobody that I knew� was mostly oral sex� jt happened� At gay bars, there are back rooms wh hol the walls�" A wave of nsea swept over me as I listened to his agonized nfsn. At that moment, I felt as if I were standg alone the world, stripped of all digny, wh a big sign on me that read movie Brokeback Mounta turned a spotlight on gay men who lead double liv, havg sex wh other men while they are married to women. That means there are a large number of women who have no ia what their hband do perdilly see stori about married men public life who are gay or have been implited homosexual behavr—such as Senator Larry Craig (R—Idaho), who was arrted last summer for allegedly solicg a male police officer an airport bathroom, and former New Jersey ernor Jam McGreevey, who proclaimed that he was a "gay Amerin" when he announced his rignatn om office.

Early our relatnship, Chris told me he'd had homosexual experienc as a teenager but assured me was youthful cursy. But I also didn't believe that a gay man would ever be attracted to a straight woman, and I was naive—too naive to see why a homosexual man would marry and spend years lyg to his wife, his iends, his fay and begngI was a 19-year-old llege hman Kentucky when I met Chris.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

Chris's father was a Southern Baptist mister who preached fire and brimstone, and Chris was tght that beg gay was the ultimate s—an absolute sentence to unual thgs happened on our first date. Then, after he kissed me good-night, he shocked me aga, sayg, "No matter what you hear, I'm not gay. But the world we lived , people often claimed a guy was gay if he wasn't a jock or really macho, so I didn't want to judge someone bee of who his iends were and what he did.

At a party wh his work iends, I got to an argument wh a woman who'd been drkg, and she said, out of the blue, "Well, at least my hband's not gay. Later that eveng, when I told Chris what happened, he remd me that he'd always been teased about beg gay, but he assured me, "It's not te.

He beme fensive and announced, "I haven't gone to bed wh anybody, but I've been gog to gay bars. As ual, I didn't dwell on my emotns; I foced more on my fay's well-beg than on what the future might wonr why Chris uldn't accept his homosexualy, but the s factor was graed him at an early age.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Beg gay would not only endanger his job and fay life, uld also st him his relatnship wh his parents, his church and God.

Chris feared that g out would validate him as a human beg—and might even send him to therapist doubted the marriage uld survive, yet I was dited to our unn if Chris was termed not to be gay. The therapist told Chris that he'd have to stop gog to gay bars, and we tried, aga, to start ah. It was the worst time of my only thg that saved my sany was the Straight Spoe Network, an ternatnal support group found by another woman who'd been married to a gay man.

FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY

I also learned that a surprisg number of gays the ary are married bee marriage is such a eful ont. You n't be gay the ary, and if you're married, then of urse you're not was still livg wh (sleepg the spare room) when, through SSN, I met my ultimate soul mate, a father of three who had been married to a lbian. One night, a rage, he lled my parents and told them, "I'm gay and I've been gog out wh men, but she's screwg around wh another guy.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2

My mother even suggted that I try different thgs sexually to keep Chris terted and mentned that Chris uld take meditn to weaken his onI often joke about wrg a book lled The Girliend's Gui to NOT Marryg a Gay Man, bee I should have tsted my stcts om the start. I see now that many gay spo genuely believe they are dog the right thg by gettg married, bee they are lyg to themselv more than soul mate and I got married the year after our divorc beme fal, when I was 34. Marryg a gay man pletely rhaped my life and altered some arly held valu ways I'd never planned.

I am livg proof that you n be relig and nservative yet also re for, and even get along wh, a gay former spoe.