Polyamory, the Gay “Conservative,” and "Where Do It Stop?" | Psychology Today

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* POLYAMORY GAY

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class="ContentHearHedAccredatnWrapper-GFiQf cDNVlV"><div data-ttid="ContentHearTleBlockWrapper" class="ContentHearTleBlockWrapper-cjmSKp jbzVNV"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubric" class="ContentHearRubricBlock-LmpbT kkDiIx"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubricDateBlock" class="ContentHearRubricDateBlock-kAQcZP fTFWxD"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX dZhWBL bric ContentHearRubricContaer-eTudtt iRsSlw"><a class="RubricLk-gRWSOU fgWnkQ bric__lk" href="/magaze/annals-of-domtic-life"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Annals of Domtic Life</span></a></div></div></div><h1 data-ttid="ContentHearHed" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearHed-NCyCC iUEiRd NbxED hpJvIc">How Polyamorists and Polygamists Are Challengg Fay Norms</h1></div><div class="ContentHearAccredatn-lfctVB etVsnJ ntent-hear__accredatn" data-ttid="ContentHearAccredatn"><div class="ContentHearDek-bIqFFZ Mtme">From oppose sis of the culture, parallel mpaigns for legal regnn may soon make multiple-partner marriag as unremarkable as same-sex marriag.</div><div class="ContentHearByle-kmPyCa gvUmxJ"><div class="ContentHearByleContent-dpPmNn DRFq"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl ContentHearByl-cZqgyJ bHLeKI"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH ivtvgj byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span><a class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM ByleLk-gEnFiw iUEiRd ggMZaT cXqSTL eErqIx byle__name-lk button" href="/ntributors/andrew-solomon">Andrew Solomon</a></span></span></p></div><time data-ttid="ContentHearPublishDate" dateTime="2021-03-15T06:00:00-04:00" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearPublishDate-eIBicG iUEiRd kYZrFA iINaCX">March 15, 2021</time></div></div></div></div><div class="ContentHearLeadAsset-hGbumP fEknXh lead-asset ContentHearLeadAssetWrapper-hfXHEc Grck lead-asset--width-fullbleed" data-ttid="ContentHearLeadAsset"><figure class="ContentHearLeadAssetContent-kOfYSG dRGWbI"><div class="ContentHearLeadAssetContentMedia-bLEIpi jjhWdS lead-asset__ntent__photo"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW jvZaPI rponsive-asset ContentHearRponsiveAsset-bREgIb hONbnm"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz fDAaLa"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa ContentHearRponsiveAsset-bREgIb hONbnm rponsive-image"><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w, 1920w, 2240w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Ala Vicki Joe and Valerie Darger" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></picture></div></div></span></div></figure></div><div class="ContentHearLeadContentFullWidth-cvJzX hHaBOT"><figure class="ContentHearLeadContentCaptnCred-hSIIqJ kQVfzg"><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE iTuhkZ ptn ContentHearLeadAssetCaptn-hPWmSN kuCzGS"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnText-bHjzlu iUEiRd hWyo iXWezO ptn__text">Ala, Vicki, Joe, and Valerie Darger near their home, Herriman, Utah. Joe says that gettg bigamy crimalized the state volved a “three-prong approach—legislative, legal, and public relatns.”</span><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd iicloT jbIJNS ptn__cred">Photographs by Ellt Ross for The New Yorker</span></div></figure></div></div></hear></div><div data-attribute-verso-pattern="article-body" class="ArticlePageContentBackGround-cNiFNN kbAoLA article-body__ntent"><div class="ActnBarWrapperContent-lasBkU cAHp"><div class="ActnBarWrapperComponent-cjwxLS bEeSLb"><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="ActnBarWrapper-dhxmQh kNjTbQ viewport-monor-anchor"><button id="bookmark" aria-label="Save this story" class="ActnBarButton-dyFOZU hQrwCF bookmark large-screen"><span class="ActnBarSendaryButtonPrimaryIn-isbvyN cAwccV bookmark-button-in"><svg class="in in-bookmark" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Save this story</tle><path class="in-bookmark-fill" d="M20 23.9508L12.5 19.7312L5 23.9508V2.95081H14V3.93211H6V22.1845L12.5 18.5536L19 22.1845V8.83866H20V23.9508Z"></path><path class="in-bookmark-fill" d="M23 3H20V0H19V3H16V4H19V7H20V4H23V3Z"></path></svg></span><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ActnBarButtonText-bYXYuh iUEiRd bkefvo gkccfO">Save this story</span></button></div><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="ActnBarWrapper-dhxmQh kAEsuD viewport-monor-anchor"><button id="bookmark" aria-label="Save this story" class="ActnBarButton-dyFOZU cjjxgx bookmark mobile"><span class="ActnBarSendaryButtonPrimaryIn-isbvyN cAwccV bookmark-button-in"><svg class="in in-bookmark" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Save this story</tle><path class="in-bookmark-fill" d="M20 23.9508L12.5 19.7312L5 23.9508V2.95081H14V3.93211H6V22.1845L12.5 18.5536L19 22.1845V8.83866H20V23.9508Z"></path><path class="in-bookmark-fill" d="M23 3H20V0H19V3H16V4H19V7H20V4H23V3Z"></path></svg></span><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ActnBarButtonText-bYXYuh iUEiRd bkefvo gkccfO">Save this story</span></button></div></div></div><div class="LightboxWrapper-dxsWBV hhylRt"><div class="ArticlePageChunksContent-etcMtP bwyLBj"><div data-ttid="ArticlePageChunks" class="ArticlePageChunks-fLyCVG Uozmo"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><figure data-ttid="IameEmbed" class="IameEmbedWrapper-sc-dRedg cjyRVU iame-embed"><div data-ttid="IameEmbedContaer" class="IameEmbedContaer-hptgUZ fXVBaX"><div class="IameEmbedAspectRatWrapper-hFVJps BKpgQ"><iame class="IameEmbedContent-cMdiev csnuAY IameEmbedContent lazyload" height="90" width="100%" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-orig allow-popups" tle="Embedd Frame" data-src=" allowfullscreen="" allow="toplay *; encrypted-media *; clipboard-wre; toplay; fullscreen; picture--picture"></iame></div></div></figure><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Fifteen years ago, when Rich At was his early forti, he and his wife watched the HBO show “<a href=">Big Love</a>,” about a polygamo fay of fundamentalist Mormons Utah. “I kd of got hooked on ,” Rich told me. “I had a strg of broken relatnships, so I was jokg, ‘Well, maybe if I was a polygamist, I wouldn’t have that problem.’ ” He had a dghter, om a flg a few years earlier, whom the uple were raisg together. They were swgers, but Rich wanted more than unattached sex, and broached the subject of polygamy wh his wife. The marriage soon broke up.</p><p class="paywall">In 2008, Rich met Angela Hkley, and soon told her how much he liked the show. “I felt I had to have Angela on board om the start,” he said. They got engaged, and, around the time Angela beme pregnant, they started lookg for another woman to jo them. Onle, they met a neteen-year-old, Brandy Goldie, and after months of chattg she vised them at their home, near Milwkee. Then she stopped munitg; her mother temporarily thwarted her plans to enter a polygamo unn, but, six months later, Brandy lled Rich and said, “If I asked to e back, would you ever take me back?” He said, “In a heartbeat.”</p><div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--article-mid-ntent" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--article-mid-ntent nsumer-marketg-un__slot---ntent"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><p class="paywall">When Brandy beme pregnant, she realized that the arrangement was now permanent, and was sred. She beme emotnally distant, and Rich started to realize what he had taken on. He was workg odd jobs, Angela worked part time, and Brandy was lookg for a job. A Navy veteran, Rich drew disabily payments, but for a while the whole fay was subsistg on about twenty-eight thoand dollars a year.</p><p class="paywall">Later that year, Rich and Angela married. Brandy was a brismaid. The next year, an onle fom, they saw a post om a woman her early thirti named Julie Halb that said, “I’m a sgle mom, I’ve got a two-year-old dghter, and I’d like to learn more.” Rich wrote, “If you want to know more, ask my wiv.” Angela had opposed addg a third wife, but when she got off her first ll wh Julie she said, “O.K., when is she movg ?” Julie vised, mostly to make sure that the kids would get along, and joed the hoehold permanently a week later.</p><p class="paywall">Before gettg married, Rich and Angela nverted to Mormonism. Julie, who also began the nversn procs, relled, “We were talkg about how we’re gog to set the fay up, and the early Mormons already had a road map.” But the mastream Church of J Christ of Latter-day Sats has forbidn polygamy sce 1904, and the practice endur only among origalist muni, cludg the Fundamentalist Church of J Christ of Latter-day Sats (F.L.D.S.). So Rich began tellg people that Brandy was a who had bee pregnant by accint. “I didn’t like havg to ny who I was, what type of relatnship I was ,” Brandy told me. When Julie started wrg a blog about their life, Rich was exmunited.</p><p class="paywall">Their livg arrangements attracted other unwele attentn. Neighbors lled the police, and Child Protective Servic terviewed the children. Sce there was only one marriage certifite, the police uldn’t file bigamy charg. “They said, ‘We don’t like , but there’s nothg we n do,’ ” Julie relled. “But we had them at our door nstantly. One of the kids would have an accint at school—we’d have them there aga. They were nstantly tryg to fd signs of abe.” After six years, the fay moved to Medford, a small town northern Wisns, where they uld afford a hoe that acmodated them all and where social servic seemed to accept their setup.</p><figure class="AssetEmbedWrapper-eVDQiB byBkf asset-embed"><div class="AssetEmbedAssetContaer-eJxoAx dBHGoQ asset-embed__asset-ntaer"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kKwZhx rponsive-asset AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset"><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="RponsiveCartoonWrapper-iTMMjI eXTYsS rponsive-rtoon AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset viewport-monor-anchor"><a class="external-lk rponsive-rtoon__image-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa RponsiveCartoonImage-hzNqyc ikeCcH rponsive-rtoon__image rponsive-image"><noscript><img alt="Firefighter dont go on the ll bee a t is sleepg on his lap." class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src=" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w" siz="100vw"/></noscript></picture></a><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE gdZTpI ptn RponsiveCartoonCaptn-dokfdF hJgaLQ rponsive-rtoon__ptn"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnText-bHjzlu iUEiRd hWyo bsWloa ptn__text">“Um . . . I’ll get the next fire.”</span></div><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE iTuhkZ ptn RponsiveCartoonCred-bKlQqO faLAFb rponsive-rtoon__cred"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd iicloT bmQtfn ptn__cred">Cartoon by Lars Kenseth</span></div><div class="RponsiveCartoonCTA-eiqqMB iDCQRs"><div class="RponsiveCartoonCTAWrapper-CYIqa iTbFtf"><div class="RponsiveCartoonLkButtonWrapper-hqDAJK eSEhbj"><button aria-label="Copy lk to rtoon" class="BaseButton-bLlsy ButtonWrapper-xCepQ bqVKKv YsOBB button button--primary-pair RponsiveCartoonInButton-hBCBMq lpsjql" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" type="button"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN bBWXSg button__label">Copy lk to rtoon</span><div class="ButtonInWrapper-gFdzAL bPDyTT button__in-ntaer"><svg class="in in-pylk" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Copy lk to rtoon</tle><g clip-path="url(#clip0_3732_178637)"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M16.3488 10.5017C16.2107 10.7357 16.2926 11.035 16.5318 11.17C16.7709 11.3052 17.0767 11.225 17.2148 10.991L18.4648 8.87225C19.5694 7.00002 18.9139 4.60601 17.0007 3.52508C15.0875 2.44415 12.6412 3.08562 11.5366 4.95785L9.53657 8.34782C8.432 10.22 9.08751 12.6141 11.0007 13.6949C11.1888 13.8012 11.382 13.8908 11.5785 13.9642C11.7819 14.0403 12.0058 13.9485 12.1147 13.764C12.2794 13.4849 12.1103 13.1276 11.8083 12.9992C11.7041 12.9549 11.6014 12.9044 11.5007 12.8475C10.0658 12.0368 9.57417 10.2413 10.4026 8.83712L12.4026 5.44715C13.2311 4.04298 15.0658 3.56187 16.5007 4.37257C17.9356 5.18327 18.4272 6.97878 17.5988 8.38295L16.3488 10.5017ZM7.6526 13.4983C7.79067 13.2643 7.70873 12.965 7.46959 12.8299C7.23044 12.6948 6.92464 12.775 6.78657 13.009L5.53657 15.1278C4.432 17 5.0875 19.394 7.00068 20.475C8.91385 21.5558 11.3602 20.9144 12.4648 19.0422L14.4648 15.6521C15.5694 13.78 14.9139 11.3859 13.0007 10.305C12.8127 10.1988 12.6195 10.1091 12.4229 10.0357C12.2195 9.95975 11.9956 10.0515 11.8867 10.236C11.7221 10.5151 11.8911 10.8724 12.1932 11.0008C12.2973 11.0451 12.4 11.0956 12.5007 11.1525C13.9356 11.9632 14.4272 13.7587 13.5988 15.1628L11.5988 18.5529C10.7704 19.957 8.93555 20.4382 7.50068 19.6274C6.0658 18.8167 5.57417 17.0212 6.4026 15.6171L7.6526 13.4983Z" fill="black"></path></g><fs><clipPath id="clip0_3732_178637"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath><clipPath id="clip1_3732_178637"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath></fs></svg></div></button><div class="AlertWrapper-gvFATk MdjE RponsiveCartoonLkAlertPopup-BPAXn kdMXRM shoppg-alert" role="dialog"><div aria-hidn="te" role="prentatn" class="AlertArrow-daOgye AlLda alert-arrow"></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ AlertMsage-jgAjgo bVCFRm ifgabc cxFROy alert-msage"><p aria-hidn="te">Lk pied</p></div></div></div><button aria-label="Shop" class="BaseButton-bLlsy ButtonWrapper-xCepQ bqVKKv YsOBB button button--primary-pair RponsiveCartoonInButton-hBCBMq lpsjql" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" type="button"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN bBWXSg button__label">Shop</span><div class="ButtonInWrapper-gFdzAL bPDyTT button__in-ntaer"><svg class="in in-rt" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Shop</tle><g clip-path="url(#clip0_3732_178638)"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M4 3H2V4H4.23828L6.99617 15.2631C7.11483 15.6982 7.50998 16 7.96094 16H18.0365C18.4875 16 18.8826 15.6982 19.0013 15.2631L20.9648 7.26312C21.1383 6.62698 20.6594 6 20 6H10V7H20L18.0365 15H7.96094L5.03652 3H4.58055H4ZM10.0365 19C10.0365 19.5523 9.58881 20 9.03652 20C8.48424 20 8.03652 19.5523 8.03652 19C8.03652 18.4477 8.48424 18 9.03652 18C9.58881 18 10.0365 18.4477 10.0365 19ZM11.0365 19C11.0365 20.1046 10.1411 21 9.03652 21C7.93195 21 7.03652 20.1046 7.03652 19C7.03652 17.8954 7.93195 17 9.03652 17C10.1411 17 11.0365 17.8954 11.0365 19ZM18.0365 19C18.0365 19.5523 17.5888 20 17.0365 20C16.4842 20 16.0365 19.5523 16.0365 19C16.0365 18.4477 16.4842 18 17.0365 18C17.5888 18 18.0365 18.4477 18.0365 19ZM19.0365 19C19.0365 20.1046 18.1411 21 17.0365 21C15.932 21 15.0365 20.1046 15.0365 19C15.0365 17.8954 15.932 17 17.0365 17C18.1411 17 19.0365 17.8954 19.0365 19Z" fill="black"></path></g><fs><clipPath id="clip0_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath><clipPath id="clip1_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath></fs></svg></div></button></div></div></div></span></div></figure><p class="paywall">At the fay’s largt, Rich had four wiv, but when I met him, a uple of years ago, he and Angela were divorcg, and another woman, April, had e and gone. Rich, Brandy, and Julie were livg wh their kids—six, cludg Rich’s and Julie’s om earlier relatnships—and saw Angela’s two every other weekend. The children, who now number seven, rangg age om one to twenty, view one another as full siblgs. “We almost need a chart to figure out which kid’s which some days,” Rich said. Julie lghed. “We already told him that, if he wants to add another wife, Brandy and I have to fd her,” she said. “It’s not jt gog to be someone who Mr. Eternal Hope thks might work. We’re the on that have to live wh her all the time.”</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-1 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">The Ats would like one day to enjoy the legal benefs that married upl take for granted. Brandy and Julie take heart om the succs of the gay-marriage movement. “I’ve got a weddg vatn on the way om a iend who’s transng om female to male,” Julie said. “I’ve got classmat that me out almost twenty years ago. They’ve been lucky enough to get married. I wish people would be as acceptg wh as we try to be of everyone else.”</p><p class="paywall">As many as sixty thoand people the Uned Stat practice polygamy, cludg Hmong Amerins, Mlims of var ethnici, and members of the Pan-Ain Aar Aet Society. But polygamists face numerable legal obstacl, affectg such matters as herance, hospal viss, and parentage rights. If wiv apply for benefs as sgle parents, they are lyg, and may be mtg welfare d; but if they file jot tax returns they are breakg the law. Members of Julie’s fay have ma clear that, if she di, they will mand ctody of the dghter om her first marriage. “That would be very sad for her,” Julie said. “She’s lived here sce she was two.”</p><p class="paywall">Polygamists have bee more vol about achievg legal rights sce the legalizatn of same-sex marriage natnwi, 2015. So has another group: polyamorists, whose lobbyg ns parallel but wh snt overlap. Unlike polygamy, which is ually religly motivated and typilly volv a man wh multiple wiv who do not have an erotic relatnship to one another, polyamory tends to be based on utopian ias of sexual liberty and may volve a broad range of nfiguratns. In the end, however, the real difference is what term fs people’s paradigms; as wh much of inty polics, affiliatns are self-termed. In the popular imagatn, polygamists are prumed to be right-wg misogynists and polyamorists to be nt left-wgers, but the two groups share goals and, often, ways of life. In the years I’ve spent talkg to members of both muni, I have found that is ually the polygamists who are more gnizant of mon e. “But people n’t seem to une unr one platform,” Rich said.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">In 2015, when the Supreme Court’s cisn <a href=">Obergefell v. Hodg</a> tablished same-sex marriage as a nstutnal right, Chief Jtice John Roberts wrote a dissent argug that, if a system nyg marriage to gay and lbian upl reprented an asslt on their nstutnal rights, existg marriage rtrictns mt siarly “disrpect and subordate people who fd fulfillment polyamoro relatnships.” Roberts ntued, “Although the majory randomly serts the adjective ‘two’ var plac, offers no reason at all why the two-person element of the re fn of marriage may be prerved while the man-woman element may not.” He went on to emphasize that the prevalence of polygamy throughout history ma ls of a radil leap than same-sex marriage.</p><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><p class="paywall">Many gay activists, such as Evan Wolfson, who found Freedom to Marry, dismiss parisons between poly marriage and same-sex marriage as a “sre tactic.” But legal scholars take the argument serly. In an anti-poly paper the <em>Universy of Pennsylvania Journal of Constutnal Law</em>, John O. Hayward wrote, “Now that the U.S. Supreme Court has legalized same-sex marriage natnwi, the only remag maral ontier—at least for the Juo-Christian natns of the Wt—is polygamy.” Another law profsor, Jack B. Harrison, wrote that state bans agast plural marriage were sure to be challenged, and that anyone who wanted to mata them would have to “velop a ratnale for them, albe <em>post hoc</em>, that is not rooted majorarian moraly and anim.”</p><p class="paywall">This is no longer merely a theoretil matter. In Febary, 2020, the Utah legislature passed a so-lled Bigamy Bill, crimalizg the offense by downgradg om a felony to a mismeanor. In June, Somerville, Massachetts, passed an ordance allowg groups of three or more people who “nsir themselv to be a fay” to be regnized as domtic partners. Last week, the neighborg town of Cambridge followed su, passg a broar ordance regnizg multi-partner relatnships. The law has proceed even more rapidly regnizg that is possible for a child to have more than two legal parents. In 2017, the Uniform Law Commissn, an associatn that enabl stat to harmonize their laws, drafted a new Uniform Parentage Act, one provisn of which facilat multiple-parent regnn. Versns of the provisn have passed California, Washgton, Mae, Vermont, and Delaware, and is unr nsiratn several other stat. Courts New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Texas, Arizona, and Louisiana have also supported the ia of third parents. Amerin nservatism has long mourned the proliferatn of sgle parents, but, if two parents are better than one, why are three parents worse?</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><asi class="PersistentAsiWrapper-VGrR daRVRt persistent-asi" style="posn:absolute;top:to;height:to" data-ttid="PersistentAsiWrapper"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="zkzx"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></asi></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="94c7yu"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">Douglas NeJaime, a profsor at Yale Law School who was volved the draftg of the new parentage act, told me that the impet for was that many state laws fg fay bary, oppose-sex terms would be validated by Obergefell. “If parentage don’t turn on genr or blogy but on the parent-child bond, then laws that have limed by number no longer seem logil,” he said. The trend toward multiple-parent regnn is not rtricted to blue stat. “Those of who are tryg to ph the legislatn unrstand the L.G.B.T.-fay issue as part of a broar universe which people’s fay arrangements should be rpected,” NeJaime said. “As thgs stand now, once you’re a parent you get everythg, and if you’re a nonparent you get practilly nothg. The folks on the mtee unrstood the importance of protectg parental relatnships, pecially when they were not blogilly related to the child. So liberately appli to unmarried people who aren’t L.G.B.T.”</p><p class="paywall">Much of the draftg of the law was done by Courtney Josl, a law profsor at U.C. Davis who was prevly a ligator at the Natnal Center for Lbian Rights. She told me that s language reflects “se law favor of allowg that a particular child has more than two legal parents. It wasn’t creatg a trend— was reflectg an emergg trend.” She went on, “If, for example, three people tend to have a child together and then parent together for an extend perd of time, the urt uld fd that all three should be regnized as parents.” If the urt is adjuditg multiple parents, how n ny multiple-relatnship regnn? How n non-regnn not be held to harm children? “The law should allow for the regnn of actual functnal adult faial relatnships, even if the parti have not formalized those relatnships,” Josl said.</p><p class="paywall">Three parents are ls shockg than three partners—when Print Obama “evolved” on gay marriage, he ced the jtice enuntered by his dghters’ iends who had gay parents—but one flows om the other, and marriage rights often further the cln they aim to reflect. For all the hate mail and burng cross that Mildred and Richard Lovg had to endure, the legalizatn of terracial marriage did much to morate Amerin racism. Gay marriage has creased acceptance of same-sex upl.</p><le-embed name="feature-flt" attrs="[object Object]" childTyp="image" ntentType="llout:feature-flt"><figure class="AssetEmbedWrapper-eVDQiB byBkf asset-embed"><div class="AssetEmbedAssetContaer-eJxoAx dBHGoQ asset-embed__asset-ntaer"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO KhjZz AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset rponsive-image rponsive-image--expandable"><noscript><img alt="Image may nta Clothg Apparel Human Person Jacket Coat Hair and Overat" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src=" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w" siz="100vw"/></noscript></picture></span></div><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE iTuhkZ ptn AssetEmbedCaptn-fNQBPI fmQnYP asset-embed__ptn"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnText-bHjzlu iUEiRd hWyo iXWezO ptn__text">Andy Izenson, Cal T., Aida Manduley, and Roo Khan near their home, Ulster County, New York.</span></div></figure></le-embed><p class="paywall">Queer theorists have plaed that Obergefell valoriz the fay valu associated wh monogamo marriage and thereby means people who rist those valu. But others see as the first step toward more radil change. “Obergefell is a verable enium for marriage as both a central human right and a fundamental nstutnal right,” Joseph J. Fischel, an associate profsor of women’s, genr, and sexualy studi at Yale, has wrten. “We, as an LGBT movement, should be ethilly mted to endorsg poly relatns and other experiments timacy.” He argu for “relatnal tonomy” whout regard for “genr, numerosy, or affective attachment.”</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-2 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">The mpaigns of both polygamists and polyamorists to have their unns regnized pot to the larger qutns that swarm around marriage battl: what are the ernment’s terts marriage and fay, and why do a burecratic system sta such a relentls foc on who has sexual relatnships wh whom? Surveys the past have nsistently found that four to five per cent of Amerin adults—more than ten ln people—already practice some form of nsensual nonmonogamy, and the te number, given people’s reticence about stigmatized behavrs, is almost certaly higher.</p><p class="paywall">Consensual nonmonogamy is hardly a new ventn. Jewish polygamy peppers the Old Ttament, even if the marriag tend not to be portrayed posive terms; the Hebrew word <em>tzarah</em> means both “send wife” and “trouble.” Today, polygyny—the subset of polygamy that volv one man and multiple women—enjoys legal stat or general acceptance more than seventy untri. (Its rarer obverse, polyandry, persists certa muni Nepal, Tibet, India, and Sri Lanka.) In the Wt, champns of polyamory have clud Mary Wollstonecraft, Gee Sand, Havelock Ellis, and Bertrand Rsell. Still, a particular ethos, rooted Christian, European valu, has created a prumptn that monogamy is superr to all other stctur. Immanuel Kant saw marriage as emblematic of Enlightenment ials, claimg that was egalarian, bee spo assigned ownership of their sexual ans to each other.</p><p class="paywall">The Oxford English Dictnary and Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictnary add the word “polyamory” as recently as 2006, and the well-known relatnship therapist Esther Perel observ that tradnal monogamy is on the wane and perhaps creasgly untenable. “Many social norms don’t f human nature,” she told me. “For most of history, monogamy was one person for life. At this pot, monogamy is one person at a time. The first eedom was that we n actually, fally have sex wh other people <em>before</em> we are together. Now we want to have that eedom <em>while</em> we are together. The nversatn about nsensual nonmonogamy today is the nversatn about virgy sixty years ago. Or the nversatn about divorce twenty years before that.”</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Andy Izenson, Roo Khan, Cal T., and Aida Manduley envisaged creatg a utopian place where queer, trans, and polyamoro people uld feel safe and wele. For years, they had told one another stori about the property they would build. At the end of 2017, when Andy and Roo lost their lease, Brooklyn, the time had e; Cal, who had been livg New Hampshire, was ready to move , and Aida, a psychotherapist Boston, planned to relote as soon as possible. They found a hoe wh fourteen acr and some outbuildgs Ulster Park, on the Hudson. They lled their ménage the Rêve.</p><p class="paywall">When I vised, last year, everythg seemed to be a work progrs. Unfished projects around the hoe gave a feelg of relaxed chaos. Andy, wearg a loose whe drs, offered me drks and snacks. Andy is Jewish; Aida is Puerto Rin; Roo is mixed race and Mlim; Cal is Black and mixed race. Their ethnic and relig backgrounds have prepared them for the margalizatn they have experienced as polyamorists.</p><p class="paywall">Like the others, Andy go by the pronoun “they” and scribed themself as “genr ambivalent.” A lawyer their early thirti, they spoke long, hyperactive paragraphs, their ey wi wh passnate foc. Their pronoun preference, however, is d. “If you’re sayg a sentence about me, you n e whatever pronoun you want,” they said. “They’re all maniftatns of the plete power of language to translate human experience to sound. We’re all genrqueer. ‘Polyamoro’ is a close enough scriptn of my practic the same way as ‘trans-mascule’ is a close enough scriptn of my genr.”</p><p class="paywall">Roo said, “I like the word ‘uc.’ We uc wh polyamorists, you uc wh trans-mascule folk, I uc wh trans-feme folk. I’m pennt om that, but I’m on your si.” There are var romantic nfiguratns among the four partners, but only Andy is a romantic relatnship wh all three of the others. In addn, they all have “ets”—lovers om outsi the group who blaze through and then are gone. “It’s a more stable stcture wh more people,” Andy said.</p><p class="paywall">The members of the Rêve have thought eply about what many people characterize as divid love. Andy explaed, “When you light a ndle wh another ndle, your first ndle is not ls on fire.” (Shelley, 1821, wrote much the same: “Te love has this, different om gold and clay, / That to divi is not to take away.”) Andy said that the ia was not “a sexy y bonanza” but a nsc rejectn of two thgs: first, “dividg relatnships to two tegori—one tegory beg people wh whom you have sex and the other tegory beg people wh whom you don’t have sex,” and, send, “sayg that those tegori are fed by some eply operative distctn that chang the fundamental nature of a relatnship.” Polyamory, Andy acknowledged, is hard. “If were easy, everyone would be dog ,” they add efully. The key was to “al wh the thgs that are abundant om a place of abundance and wh the thgs that are actually srce om a place of passn and generosy.”</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="m0zjec"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">The four of them saw the Rêve as a home to a re of rints and as a sanctuary for a wir group. The hoe has room for ne—“more if people are willg to cuddle,” Andy add. At prent, some fifteen occupants n arrive at the hoe at any time and stay as long as they like. “As we build more stctur, as we have more beds, we n have more people livg here full time,” they went on. “We want to be able to say, This is what we’re dog for the rt of our liv, so, if you aren’t so strsed about bathroom proximy but you want to fuck a ltle further off to the woods, this is where you n do .”</p><figure class="AssetEmbedWrapper-eVDQiB byBkf asset-embed"><div class="AssetEmbedAssetContaer-eJxoAx dBHGoQ asset-embed__asset-ntaer"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kKwZhx rponsive-asset AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset"><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="RponsiveCartoonWrapper-iTMMjI eXTYsS rponsive-rtoon AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset viewport-monor-anchor"><a class="external-lk rponsive-rtoon__image-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" 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3H4.58055H4ZM10.0365 19C10.0365 19.5523 9.58881 20 9.03652 20C8.48424 20 8.03652 19.5523 8.03652 19C8.03652 18.4477 8.48424 18 9.03652 18C9.58881 18 10.0365 18.4477 10.0365 19ZM11.0365 19C11.0365 20.1046 10.1411 21 9.03652 21C7.93195 21 7.03652 20.1046 7.03652 19C7.03652 17.8954 7.93195 17 9.03652 17C10.1411 17 11.0365 17.8954 11.0365 19ZM18.0365 19C18.0365 19.5523 17.5888 20 17.0365 20C16.4842 20 16.0365 19.5523 16.0365 19C16.0365 18.4477 16.4842 18 17.0365 18C17.5888 18 18.0365 18.4477 18.0365 19ZM19.0365 19C19.0365 20.1046 18.1411 21 17.0365 21C15.932 21 15.0365 20.1046 15.0365 19C15.0365 17.8954 15.932 17 17.0365 17C18.1411 17 19.0365 17.8954 19.0365 19Z" fill="black"></path></g><fs><clipPath id="clip0_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath><clipPath id="clip1_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath></fs></svg></div></button></div></div></div></span></div></figure><p class="paywall">In Augt, 2019, the Rêve held a mment ceremony, which they lled a HearthWarmg. Some forty people stayed at the property, mostly tents. Seventy more me for the day. As part of the service, they pledged themselv to the land as well as to one another. They ved their parents and all the queer people they regard as klk and clared themselv an “tentnal fay.” They placed the mments they were makg to one another a hole they had dug, ved everyone else to put mments , too, and then filled the hole and planted a tree. There was no officiant, but there was a chuppah. Roo’s father is Pakistani, and members of his fay wore tradnal Pakistani weddg outfs and henna.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-3 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">Andy’s mother was ially dismayed by the ia of the marriage. “I said, ‘I know I’m not really your dghter the way that you wanted to have a dghter,’ ” Andy relled. “ ‘And I’m not gettg married the way that you envisned me gettg married. But the kd of kid I am is havg the kd of mment ceremony I’m havg, and if that’s what you get do you want ?’ And turns out she kd of did. She helped me pick out a drs.”</p><p class="paywall">Andy grew up New Hampshire. “It’s not a place I would remend growg up if you’re trans, for sure,” they said. “I learned when I was young that there was somethg very wrong wh me that nobody would ever unrstand.” At Skidmore, they studied soclguistics. They had their first polyamoro relatnship there, a lbian triad. “I started meetg more queer and trans people and realizg that ’s not that there’s somethg broken and weird about me.”</p><p class="paywall">They went to law school New York Cy. “I started enunterg the ia that the state tells you about how the world works, what a fay looks like, what genr is supposed to be,” they said. “As I was studyg, I started to learn that there are discrepanci between the state’s stori and realy.”</p><p class="paywall">That led Andy to thk about personal choic. “I had had my head, Eventually, I’m gog to have to do the grownup thg and fd the spoe that I n tolerate and produce children. It’s gog to suck. The first thg you realize might be, Oh, I don’t actually have to be a girl. Or, I don’t have to be a relatnship wh the one person who provis the pletn of my Platonic soul for the rt of my life. Whichever lchp gets pulled out first, all fallg down. And once ’s all fallen down you n say, O.K., I’ve got all the piec and now I n build somethg.” Andy gtured at the hoe and their spo. “And this is what we’ve built,” they said.</p><p class="paywall">None of them is currently planng to have a child blogilly. “But we have disvered that we like havg kids around the hoe,” Andy said.</p><p class="paywall">“For discrete amounts of time,” Roo add.</p><p class="paywall">Andy said, “We want our iends’ kids to know that when they’re a grouchy teen-ager they n go, ‘Screw you, Mom, I’m gog to the Rêve,’ and everyone will know that they’re safe here.”</p><p class="paywall">Cal said, “The thg that I wanted was a fay. And I didn’t want to get married or have children. And turns out you n still have a fay, even if you’re not gettg married and havg children.”</p><le-embed name="feature-flt" attrs="[object Object]" childTyp="image" ntentType="llout:feature-flt"><figure class="AssetEmbedWrapper-eVDQiB byBkf asset-embed"><div class="AssetEmbedAssetContaer-eJxoAx dBHGoQ asset-embed__asset-ntaer"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO KhjZz AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset rponsive-image rponsive-image--expandable"><noscript><img alt="Image may nta Car Vehicle Transportatn Automobile Wheel Mache Asphalt Tarmac Parkg Parkg Lot and Road" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src=" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w" siz="100vw"/></noscript></picture></span></div><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE iTuhkZ ptn AssetEmbedCaptn-fNQBPI fmQnYP asset-embed__ptn"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnText-bHjzlu iUEiRd hWyo iXWezO ptn__text">One of the hom belongg to the Darger fay, Herriman.</span></div></figure></le-embed><p class="paywall">The group worked wh a fancial profsnal who specializ nontradnal-fay planng to set up the hoe as a jot tenancy wh rights of survivorship, so that if one of them di their tert reverts to the others. The document also clus prenup-style arrangements for what will happen if any of them cis to leave.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-4 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">For a long time, Cal worked for a solar pany that offers health benefs for one domtic partner, and they put Andy on their surance bee Andy need the most. Roo -owns a small tech worker -op and gets ls genero surance through that. “It would be nvenient if we were all on the same health surance and didn’t have to fd one vered doctor for Roo and one vered doctor for the two of ,” Andy said. “Society has the two tegori: fai that get regnn om the state and fai that don’t. The fai that get regnn are the married, monogamo on, and the on that don’t are everybody else.”</p><p class="paywall">The qutn is: what do marriage mean? “I remember readg the list of eleven hundred and sixty-three feral benefs that marriage gave, and one of them that jt stuck out to me was ‘fay disunts at natnal parks,’ ” Roo said. “If the feral ernment says you’re a fay, you get the fay disunt, but we wouldn’t. It’s fuckg everywhere.”</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="3q8oe8"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="vxcr8l"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">Andy talked about a watershed moment for gay rights, 1989—the se of Braschi v. Stahl. Miguel Braschi was beg evicted om the rent-ntrolled apartment he and his partner shared, after the partner died, of <a href="><em>AIDS</em></a>. The landlord ntend that the lease was transferrable only to fay, and that Braschi wasn’t fay. Braschi sued. The judge issued a stunngly progrsive lg sayg that fay should be based on the realy of daily life—the two men lived together, shared fanc, took re of each other—and not on “fict legal distctns,” such as marriage certifit. In Andy’s view, the subsequent mpaign for gay marriage reprented a missed opportuny. “In <em>1989</em>, he said that a marriage certifite was a fict legal distctn,” Andy said wh wonr. “The gay-rights movement took that and said, ‘Actually, no, we’re jt gog to throw that out and try and get married. That seems like a better plan.’ Image if we had taken that ia—that legal protectns for fay should be granted based on the realy of daily fay life and terpennce and works of mutual re rather than on fict legal distctns—and n wh .”</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">No fay Ameri has done more for the image and legal standg of polygamists than the Dargers: Joe, his three wiv—Ala, Vicki, and Valerie—and their twenty-five children, who live and around Herriman, Utah. In 2011, they published a book, “<a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">Love Tim Three</a>,” about their polygamo life, even though their marriage was a felony at the time, and they tirelsly worked to persua other polygamo fai to e out. Utah’s cisn to crimalize polygamy was large measure the rult of a lobbyg mpaign that the Dargers had pursued for two s.</p><p class="paywall">Their hoe is a relatively new subdivisn, wh wi views of nearby mountas. Joe, who works nstctn, has built addnal ho on the property for two of his adult children. “Anybody else, they’d say ’s a nice <em>tate</em>,” he said, when he showed me around, June. “If you’re polygamo, ’s a <em>pound</em>. We’ve taken lsons om the L.G.B.T.Q. muny, beg very liberate about language, bee how you let people fe you has an impact.”</p><p class="paywall">I had prevly met Joe, on Zoom, and he had seemed timidatg, wh an unkempt beard and a forbiddg manner, and he had stuck to facts that I was sure he had reced a hundred tim before. But, when we sat together on his back porch, I found him clean-shaven, relaxed, and forthg, and his wiv greeted me brightly. As we talked there for the better part of a day, children, grandchildren, wiv, and others whose inti were never pletely clear to me me and went.</p><p class="paywall">Joe and his wiv e om fundamentalist Mormon fai and have known one another om childhood. Some of their grandparents were jailed together for polygamy after the 1953 Short Creek raid, which state troops arrted an entire muny of four hundred people, cludg more than two hundred and fifty children. Joe’s grandfather, who had alias ready and hidg plac mapped out, spent several years on the n. Vicki and Valerie’s grandfather, however, said, “If the thori e, we’ll be home. Have the children be neat and ely.” He spent seven years jail. Like many children of polygamists, the Dargers grew up an atmosphere of secrecy, quickly learng not to tell their schoolmat about their fai.</p><p class="paywall">Joe married his first two wiv—Ala and Vicki—on the same day, 1990. He was twenty, and they were twenty and neteen, rpectively. Ala and Vicki gave birth to their first sons seven months apart, and each nursed both babi. Ten years later, Joe married Vicki’s tw sister, Valerie, after she left another plural marriage. She brought five children wh her and had four more wh Joe, who has seven children wh Ala and ne wh Vicki. So far, they have neteen grandchildren, and Joe’s youngt children are bt iends wh his olst grandchildren.</p><p class="paywall">Ala found a nonprof, Cherish Fai, which provis support to people both livg and leavg polygamy. Valerie works as an advote there. For a time, Vicki homchooled many of their children. They all talked about the difficulti of polygamo life. At one pot, Vicki suffered severe postpartum prsn and was nsumed wh jealoy toward the other women. “I hated everyone,” she said. “I didn’t know if I was gog to stay here.” Ala relled fearg that the fay might break apart. “All of have had our turn, whatever we were gog through,” she said. Effectively, they were married not only to Joe but also to one another. Valerie said, “We share the kchen and lndry—and we love each other and we get jealo. I have to manage Ala’s and my relatnship, Vicki’s and my relatnship, Vicki and Ala’s relatnship, all of our relatnship to Joe. It’s all the dynamics all the time.”</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-5 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">In 2001, several members of the Darger fay ntracted a rpiratory vis, and Joe and Ala’s five-month-old dghter, Kyra, wasn’t reverg. (It later emerged that she had an undiagnosed heart fect.) When her ndn terrated, the fay lled 911 but uldn’t get through. Joe drove to a hospal, wh Ala dog CPR the back seat. By the time they reached the hospal, Kyra had died. “There were a lot of qutns,’’ Ala relled. “And always, accgly, ‘You’re a fundamentalist.’ ” Authori opened a crimal se and terrogated all the Dargers. A nurse me to the hoe, and then intified herself as an employee of Child Protective Servic and terviewed each child alone.</p><figure class="AssetEmbedWrapper-eVDQiB byBkf asset-embed"><div class="AssetEmbedAssetContaer-eJxoAx dBHGoQ asset-embed__asset-ntaer"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kKwZhx rponsive-asset AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset"><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="RponsiveCartoonWrapper-iTMMjI eXTYsS rponsive-rtoon AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset viewport-monor-anchor"><a class="external-lk rponsive-rtoon__image-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa RponsiveCartoonImage-hzNqyc ikeCcH rponsive-rtoon__image rponsive-image"><noscript><img alt="Two roo clowns look and judge their iend who is now a drsage clown." class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src=" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w" siz="100vw"/></noscript></picture></a><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE gdZTpI ptn RponsiveCartoonCaptn-dokfdF hJgaLQ rponsive-rtoon__ptn"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnText-bHjzlu iUEiRd hWyo bsWloa ptn__text">“Thks he’s <em class="unrle">so</em> great now that he’s a drsage clown.”</span></div><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE iTuhkZ ptn RponsiveCartoonCred-bKlQqO faLAFb rponsive-rtoon__cred"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd iicloT bmQtfn ptn__cred">Cartoon by Ey Flake</span></div><div class="RponsiveCartoonCTA-eiqqMB iDCQRs"><div class="RponsiveCartoonCTAWrapper-CYIqa iTbFtf"><div class="RponsiveCartoonLkButtonWrapper-hqDAJK eSEhbj"><button aria-label="Copy lk to rtoon" class="BaseButton-bLlsy ButtonWrapper-xCepQ bqVKKv YsOBB button button--primary-pair RponsiveCartoonInButton-hBCBMq lpsjql" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" type="button"><span 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20C8.48424 20 8.03652 19.5523 8.03652 19C8.03652 18.4477 8.48424 18 9.03652 18C9.58881 18 10.0365 18.4477 10.0365 19ZM11.0365 19C11.0365 20.1046 10.1411 21 9.03652 21C7.93195 21 7.03652 20.1046 7.03652 19C7.03652 17.8954 7.93195 17 9.03652 17C10.1411 17 11.0365 17.8954 11.0365 19ZM18.0365 19C18.0365 19.5523 17.5888 20 17.0365 20C16.4842 20 16.0365 19.5523 16.0365 19C16.0365 18.4477 16.4842 18 17.0365 18C17.5888 18 18.0365 18.4477 18.0365 19ZM19.0365 19C19.0365 20.1046 18.1411 21 17.0365 21C15.932 21 15.0365 20.1046 15.0365 19C15.0365 17.8954 15.932 17 17.0365 17C18.1411 17 19.0365 17.8954 19.0365 19Z" fill="black"></path></g><fs><clipPath id="clip0_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath><clipPath id="clip1_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath></fs></svg></div></button></div></div></div></span></div></figure><p class="paywall">The crimal se was closed after a month and the fay-servic one two months later, but the tomatic spicn that the fay enuntered marked a turng pot for Joe. “I was, like, We’ve lived this fear and don’t work,” he said. It was an spic time to start mpaigng for plural marriage. In the early two-thoands, Tom Green, a fundamentalist Mormon, was nvicted of bigamy and child rape; he had married one of his wiv when she was thirteen. In 2006, Warren Jeffs, the lear of the F.L.D.S., who had turned the muny at Short Creek to his personal fiefdom, was placed on the F.B.I.’s most-wanted list, for arrangg marriag between adult followers and unrage girls. In 2011, after two trials—on charg cludg rape, ct, and sexual asslt of mors—Jeffs was jailed for life.</p><p class="paywall">Supporters of polygamy argue that s illegaly mak easier for men such as Jeffs to operate, bee women fear that, if they go to the police, they may lose their children. “When you’re crimalizg people who are otherwise law-abidg, you ph that sufferg unr ver of darkns,” Joe said. But he also believ that polygamists have an obligatn to nont what the practice has enabled. “It was important for —both to w public approval and to rega our own tegry—to say we are rponsible for Warren Jeffs, our culture created this,” he said. “There’s problems every culture. Until we own those problems, we’re not gog to be seen as rponsible people.” The Dargers note that many of the problems associated wh polygamy e om factors that n, but often do not, acpany : child marriage, assigned marriage, lack of tn, and poverty.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="jki0u"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">Joe acknowledg that the system is patriarchal. “But patriarchy is as prevalent monogamo hoeholds as polygamo on, and patriarchy is not misogyny,” he said. He emphasized that hoeholds wh many women they have a strong voice: “There’s no major cisn we make as a fay that we’re not unanimo on. We may not all agree, but we’ll all align.”</p><p class="paywall">Ala said, “Why is that we’re always ‘brawashed’ unls we’re choosg the way <em>they</em> thk?” It’s te that how we grow up fluenc what we eat, where we live, whom we socialize wh or marry. It term our taste clothg, our sense of humor, the value we place on formal tn. Frd wrote about the “repetn pulsn,” which driv ntually to re-create our own past, whether we were happy or not. Do people the mastream argue that polygamists have been brawashed bee mastream valu are alien to polygamo on? If so, were most people brawashed to ialize monogamo marriage? Animal mols suggt that monogamy is ls natural than nonmonogamy. Yet vlatns of serve as the basis for termatg otherwise healthy relatnships. We are brawashed to keepg pets, takg daily showers, thkg that mak sense for natns to have vlable borrs; brawashed about the moraly of abortn, the necsy of medil marijuana. People are brawashed to Jewish culture or Black culture or French culture.</p><p class="paywall">The Dargers’ book me out a month after Jeffs’s fal nvictn. Ala, Vicki, and Valerie were terrified. One of Joe’s mothers--law, who had been swept up the Short Creek raid as a child, lled tears, beggg the fay to halt publitn. The publisher phoned Joe jt before the book went to prs, sayg that she would unrstand if Joe and his wiv had send thoughts. Kody Brown, who, wh his four wiv, had recently bee the subject of the realy show “Sister Wiv,” me to Joe a panic, sayg that his fay was unr vtigatn and that his lawyers had advised him to move to Nevada. Joe said, “I’m prepared to be arrted.”</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">After meetg the Dargers and other polygamists the Salt Lake area, I drove four hours south to Short Creek, Warren Jeffs’s former stronghold, where the most ncentrated muny of Mormon-style polygamists still ris. It enpass two towns straddlg the state borr—Hildale, Utah, and Colorado Cy, Arizona—a lotn that long enabled rints to eva state thori by crossg back and forth.</p><p class="paywall">The majty of the landspe—red rocks, red dt, red mountas—is arrtg, but as you e to Hildale you pass a whe ncrete wall surroundg a large, prsg stcture that Jeffs built for himself, to hoe his myriad wiv. The town is dotted wh other Jeffs buildgs, cludg a gigantic ceremonial hall now nverted to a muny center; some hom still have the high fenc that Jeffs ma mandatory.</p><p class="paywall">I walked around town wh Donia Jsop and Shirlee Draper, both of whom had been born there the early seventi and had fled as Jeffs’s reign tensified, only to return later wh the aim of rebuildg the muny. Shirlee works for Cherish Fai, the anizatn set up by Ala Darger. (Vicki and Valerie Darger are her s.) Three years ago, Donia was elected Hildale’s mayor, the first woman—and the first ndidate not endorsed by the F.L.D.S.—to hold the posn. She proudly showed me a park that had jt been replanted. The public school, long closed, is now e aga.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-6 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">Most rints here are or were F.L.D.S. members, and were therefore subject not only to polygamo unns but also to arranged on; the lg elrs might pair them wh a stranger, or someone they hated, or someone of a pletely different generatn. In addn, the property of Church members was held a tst, so you didn’t own your hoe or land, and if you left you did so wh only your personal effects.</p><p class="paywall">Shirlee and Donia both me of age when Warren Jeffs’s father, Rulon, was the head of the Church. (He was pacated by a stroke 1997, at which pot Warren took ntrol; Rulon died 2002.) Donia managed to preëmpt assigned marriage by marryg her high-school boyiend; they stayed the muny and had ten children. Shirlee’s experience was very different. When she was twenty-three, her father got a ll om Rulon Jeffs, and she was married by five o’clock that afternoon. “Bee I was raised the F.L.D.S., was jt the next step,” she said. “It was, like, Here are the crat of tomato that I have to bottle. It’s what you do.” She and her hband had three children quick succsn, one of whom had special needs, as did a fourth child, who was born a few years later. Shirlee hoped to fall love but didn’t.</p><le-embed name="feature-flt" attrs="[object Object]" childTyp="image" ntentType="llout:feature-flt"><figure class="AssetEmbedWrapper-eVDQiB byBkf asset-embed"><div class="AssetEmbedAssetContaer-eJxoAx dBHGoQ asset-embed__asset-ntaer"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO KhjZz AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset rponsive-image rponsive-image--expandable"><noscript><img alt="Image may nta Human Person Chn Vehicle Transportatn Automobile and Car" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src=" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w" siz="100vw"/></noscript></picture></span></div><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE iTuhkZ ptn AssetEmbedCaptn-fNQBPI fmQnYP asset-embed__ptn"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnText-bHjzlu iUEiRd hWyo iXWezO ptn__text">Some of the Dargers’ twenty-five children, January.</span></div></figure></le-embed><p class="paywall">Shirlee me to bridle at the entrenched patriarchy of the F.L.D.S., more so as Warren Jeffs’s edicts beme creasgly extreme. He banned televisn, the Inter, the rad, and newspapers. He orred divorc and remarriag, told people to remove their children om public schools, shut down all medil facili, and expelled many members om the Church. Shirlee knew that she had to get out—and to leave her hband and the two other wiv he had taken after her—but seemed impossible; she had no bank acunt, no cred history, and hardly any iends or fay outsi the muny. It took her four years to save enough money, and she packed her and the children’s sus over several months to avoid tectn. She ma to St. Gee, Utah, fifty away, and set up home there. “Takg off your inty and gog where you have no support, no sense of belongg is excciatg,” she said. She didn’t want anyone to know that she was a polygamist’s dghter and a polygamist’s wife; a sense, she was still hidg.</p><p class="paywall">Others were fleeg Short Creek, and Shirlee, wantg to help them, studied social work at the Universy of Utah. (She later also got a master’s gree public admistratn.) But she found that most of the anizatns offerg assistance to those who had fled also mpaigned agast polygamy and required the women they helped to take a public stance nmng the practice. Shirlee found this exploative and went to work for the Dargers’ non-prof, which don’t seek to change s clients’ beliefs or to persua them to engage public self-disclosure.</p><p class="paywall">In 2005, a urt oze the assets of the llective that owned the F.L.D.S.’s land and buildgs. In 2015, Shirlee was appoted to the board of a tst that is gradually redistributg those assets to the people se as rightful owners. When she was first approached, she said, “Oh, hell no—my job is to help people get <em>out</em> of Short Creek.” She wanted nothg to do wh the place. Still, she believed that those who had built the town served ownership. She noticed that most of the rints had left the F.L.D.S. but that all the cy uncil members were still part of the Church. She vtigated and exposed extensive electn d, and led a voter-registratn drive that helped get Donia Jsop elected. Sce then, Shirlee has set up class for women on topics cludg self-fense and fancial management—and even a datg class for people unacquated wh the etiquette of romance.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="cv7ffg"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="9mpj9r"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">Shirlee rejected her experience of polygamy but believ that her misery was ed not by polygamy per se but by patriarchy. Once, after leavg, she was dog daily hoehold chor on her own and felt an unacctomed lonels. “Women are que social pack creatur,” she said. “We need women.” I often heard siar thgs among the polygamo wiv I terviewed. One relled beg a child and seeg a TV spot that showed a prsed woman lyg bed and told viewers that they didn’t have to be alone. Lonels is epimic ntemporary life, but, to a child of polygamo parents, the ndn seemed implsible. “My life was so full of people that that didn’t even sound like was a real thg,” the wife said. What stck me most durg my terviews polygamo and polyamoro muni was that the extensive fai created a world sufficient for even their most hant members.</p><p class="paywall">Shirlee still seemed to stggle wh her ambivalence about the system to which she was born. “Patriarchal stctur are horrifyg for women, and that clus monogamy,” she said, as we walked around the town. “But if some people choose to live polyamory or polygamy and works for them, hallelujah, right?”</p><p class="paywall">It was a betiful afternoon, and she poted up at the great cliffs that surround the town. “Growg up around , I did not appreciate ,” she said. “It was like wallpaper. After I moved away, was triggerg, bee this was the place where so much horrible stuff happened. Only now, recently, I’ve started to really appreciate how betiful is.”</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Joe Darger was nfint about the chanc for crimalizg polygamy Utah. He believed that, effect, already had been crimalized, thanks to the Supreme Court’s landmark lg Lawrence v. Texas, 2003, which renred a slew of state laws about habatn unnstutnal. “It was jt a matter of gettg the public to regnize ,” Joe said. He approached other fundamentalist Mormon fai, urgg them to bee more polilly vol. It was hard, not only bee people feared legal nsequenc but also bee the many sects were often hostile to one another and ristant to formg a uned ont. “Early on, I realized this was gog to require a three-prong approach—legislative, legal, and public relatns,” Joe said. “The public sways the urts.”</p><p class="paywall">Even before the Dargers’ book was published, Joe had started seekg out receptive Utah policians. Rather than amg the issue as one of eedom of relign—an argument long rejected by Utah and feral urts—Joe amed as a ee-speech matter. “If we purported to be married, that was the felony, but I uld ll them mistrs—not a problem,” he told me. “Speech is our fundamental, most important right. Everythg aris language, and your inty is fed by language. If you n’t claim your inty, you grow up unr a grave jtice.”</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-7 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">In 2008, he met Deidre Henrson, who was jt enterg polics. Twelve years later, was she who, as a state senator, sponsored the succsful crimalizatn bill. (She recently beme the litenant ernor of Utah.) Another early ally was Connor Boyack, the print of the Libertas Instute, a libertarian-leang thk tank Salt Lake Cy. Boyack, a mastream Mormon wh no polygamo forebears, supported the crimalizatn of polygamy on libertarian grounds. “As a practicg Mormon, I don’t thk God has ndoned polygamy, jt like I don’t thk that ’s O.K. to be jectg yourself wh hero,” he told me. “But that don’t mean that I should be supportg laws that punish other people who choose to do those thgs. I don’t drk ffee, but I don’t thk Starbucks should be prohibed.”</p><figure class="AssetEmbedWrapper-eVDQiB byBkf asset-embed"><div class="AssetEmbedAssetContaer-eJxoAx dBHGoQ asset-embed__asset-ntaer"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kKwZhx rponsive-asset AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset"><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="RponsiveCartoonWrapper-iTMMjI eXTYsS rponsive-rtoon AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset viewport-monor-anchor"><a class="external-lk rponsive-rtoon__image-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa RponsiveCartoonImage-hzNqyc ikeCcH rponsive-rtoon__image rponsive-image"><noscript><img alt="Two people lyg bed as all the vic the room gently pg them to sleep." class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src=" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w" siz="100vw"/></noscript></picture></a><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE gdZTpI ptn RponsiveCartoonCaptn-dokfdF hJgaLQ rponsive-rtoon__ptn"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnText-bHjzlu iUEiRd hWyo bsWloa ptn__text">“I like to let the gentle pgg of vic soothe me to sleep.”</span></div><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE iTuhkZ ptn RponsiveCartoonCred-bKlQqO faLAFb rponsive-rtoon__cred"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd iicloT bmQtfn ptn__cred">Cartoon by Col Tom</span></div><div class="RponsiveCartoonCTA-eiqqMB iDCQRs"><div class="RponsiveCartoonCTAWrapper-CYIqa iTbFtf"><div class="RponsiveCartoonLkButtonWrapper-hqDAJK eSEhbj"><button aria-label="Copy lk to rtoon" class="BaseButton-bLlsy ButtonWrapper-xCepQ bqVKKv YsOBB button button--primary-pair RponsiveCartoonInButton-hBCBMq lpsjql" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" type="button"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN bBWXSg button__label">Copy lk to 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class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ AlertMsage-jgAjgo bVCFRm ifgabc cxFROy alert-msage"><p aria-hidn="te">Lk pied</p></div></div></div><button aria-label="Shop" class="BaseButton-bLlsy ButtonWrapper-xCepQ bqVKKv YsOBB button button--primary-pair RponsiveCartoonInButton-hBCBMq lpsjql" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" type="button"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN bBWXSg button__label">Shop</span><div class="ButtonInWrapper-gFdzAL bPDyTT button__in-ntaer"><svg class="in in-rt" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Shop</tle><g clip-path="url(#clip0_3732_178638)"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M4 3H2V4H4.23828L6.99617 15.2631C7.11483 15.6982 7.50998 16 7.96094 16H18.0365C18.4875 16 18.8826 15.6982 19.0013 15.2631L20.9648 7.26312C21.1383 6.62698 20.6594 6 20 6H10V7H20L18.0365 15H7.96094L5.03652 3H4.58055H4ZM10.0365 19C10.0365 19.5523 9.58881 20 9.03652 20C8.48424 20 8.03652 19.5523 8.03652 19C8.03652 18.4477 8.48424 18 9.03652 18C9.58881 18 10.0365 18.4477 10.0365 19ZM11.0365 19C11.0365 20.1046 10.1411 21 9.03652 21C7.93195 21 7.03652 20.1046 7.03652 19C7.03652 17.8954 7.93195 17 9.03652 17C10.1411 17 11.0365 17.8954 11.0365 19ZM18.0365 19C18.0365 19.5523 17.5888 20 17.0365 20C16.4842 20 16.0365 19.5523 16.0365 19C16.0365 18.4477 16.4842 18 17.0365 18C17.5888 18 18.0365 18.4477 18.0365 19ZM19.0365 19C19.0365 20.1046 18.1411 21 17.0365 21C15.932 21 15.0365 20.1046 15.0365 19C15.0365 17.8954 15.932 17 17.0365 17C18.1411 17 19.0365 17.8954 19.0365 19Z" fill="black"></path></g><fs><clipPath id="clip0_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath><clipPath id="clip1_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath></fs></svg></div></button></div></div></div></span></div></figure><p class="paywall">To Boyack, the fact that the polygamy ban was generally unenforced offered a new way of pursug the mpaign agast . He went on a listeng tour, documentg ct that had never been reported, terviewg women who had never ttified to heo abe bee they were aaid their children uld be removed, meetg one woman who had never told anyone that she had an tistic child bee she feared she would lose him. Henrson held public heargs at which polygamist victims of abe told siar stori. Boyack said, “When we started talkg to legislators that light—not that this is eedom for polygamists but, rather, that the stat quo empowers abers—we very quickly garnered support.”</p><p class="paywall">Still, the Bigamy Bill faced an uphill battle Utah’s legislature, which is eighty-six per cent Mormon—although only about sixty-four per cent of the state’s rints are. The L.D.S. Church was thoroughly opposed to polygamy. Boyack believ that mastream Mormons are embarrassed by the Church’s polygamist past.</p><p class="paywall">The practice began around 1835, when Joseph Smh, the Church’s founr, took a send wife after receivg a revelatn about polygamy; he eventually had more than thirty. The 1856 Republin Party platform railed agast “those tw relics of barbarism, polygamy and slavery”; the South and the Wt were both emed immoral, and a le was drawn between “civilized whe society” and that of “backwards savag.” In 1862, Lln signed the Morrill Anti-Bigamy Act. By the late eighteen-eighti, was clear that polygamy would prevent the Utah Terrory om securg statehood. In 1890, the Church’s print, Wilford Woodff, also prompted by a revelatn, issued a manifto renouncg polygamy—a cisn that fundamentalist Mormons dismiss as polil expediency. The practice beme a felony Utah 1935. In 2013, was temporarily crimalized—not by the legislature but by a judge, who led, a se brought by Kody Brown, that the state’s anti-bigamy statute was unnstutnal. But three years later the Tenth Circu Court of Appeals led that, bee Utah did not actually prosecute polygamists unls there were other crim, the platiffs did not have standg, so the practice beme crimal aga.</p><p class="paywall">By Febary, 2020, the Bigamy Bill had the sponsorship of Derek Kchen, one of only six Democrats the Utah State Senate and s only openly gay member. Seven years before, he and his partner had sued the state a se, Kchen v. Herbert, that challenged s ban on same-sex marriage. They won, and the se led to the legalizatn of gay marriage the Tenth Circu and fluenced the Supreme Court’s cisn Obergefell, eight months later. “The L.G.B.T.Q. movement and, particular, a lot of gay men really embrace polyamory,” Kchen told me. Many Mormon polygamists were more than happy to make mon e wh the gay-marriage activists. “A lot of our first alli were L.G.B.T.Q., and that was brave of them,” Ala Darger told me. “I’ve e to an appreciatn for their stggle, and I am a very firm champn that rights are for every person.”</p><p class="paywall">One tail of Kchen v. Herbert has remaed out of the prs. “Durg that time, my partner and I were volved a polyamoro dynamic,” Kchen said. “We feared we would jeopardize our se if people found out about havg a third, a boyiend. But we were wh him for three years.” So Derek Kchen was hidg about his sexualy even when he was the most visible gay person Utah. “It took time to regnize that human sexualy is not as square as we make out to be,” he went on. “Polyamory and even the sgle life are jt as valid as a heteronormative, hband-wife, picket-fence, three-children nversatn. I sponsored the Bigamy Bill bee there’s plenty of relatnships ma up of three and four people. When we were batg , I asked the primary sponsor and our legal unsel, ‘This also means non-married multiple partners, like a polyamoro suatn?’ They said, ‘Didn’t thk about , but yeah.’ ”</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="yv08hs"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">Eventually, the mastream Mormon learship, whose anti-gay polici had creasgly drawn outrage Utah, nclud that was fightg a losg battle on polygamy, too. Last Febary, when Henrson brought her crimalizatn bill to the Utah legislature, Church lears told legislators to vote their nscienc. The bill passed nearly unopposed.</p><p class="paywall">Still, even as polygamy gas legal standg, the stutn self looks harr to sta. Kchen not that ’s neher environmentally nor fancially viable, and that requir human energy. In this same perd, Utah has seen an upswg gay upl havg babi. “They’re mostly nonmonogamo,” Kchen said, addg that he hop to have kids, but not the ntext of a monogamo relatnship. Kchen and his hband, spe havg won their se for marriage, are now divorcg. “To be pletely ank, I don’t know that I’ll engage marriage the future,” he said. “It’s nice to know that I’m no longer prohibed. I thk marriage entirely is gog to fa away. As people feel empowered to take the qutn of monogamy to their own hands and iron out the displeasur or unhapps their liv, they’ll fd polyamory.”</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Tamara Pc is a psychotherapist Washgton, D.C., who works wh clients who are explorg alternative sexuali, cludg polyamory, kk, and L.G.B.T.Q. relatnships. She f herself as a bisexual woman who has sometim dated genrqueer people. Her hband, Eric, is cheerful and geeky and talks about his apostasy om nventnal marriage wh a nearly relig fervor.</p><p class="paywall">They met 2000, when Tamara, her mid-twenti, was workg wh Eric’s mother at a Jewish muny center Washgton. They moved together wh months and were married 2002. For a , they lived a monogamo life, but after the send of their two sons was born they began explorg kk and gog to sex parti. Soon, they opened their marriage. Eric acpanied Tamara on her first ser date and sat around awkwardly while his wife and the other man ma out and started to remove each other’s cloth. But he relled how happy and affectnate she was afterward.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-8 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">The first person to move wh them was a girliend of Eric’s. There were other girliends, some more full-time than others. One had a jealo hband tryg to ntrol her; Eric had no ia how to rpond to his tense aggrsn, and he and Tamara realized that they need to manage the expectatns—and the baggage—of others who entered the setup. “I’m this mted relatnship to Tamara, so if that’s somethg they n’t handle we have to go our separate ways,” Eric said.</p><p class="paywall">When their younger son was first gra, he drew a picture of his fay on vatn—Tamara and Eric, the two sons, and Eric’s girliend. “He drew a r wh the four of ,” Tamara said. “Then he put the girliend a sir. She’s this extra person who me along and played gam wh them. But they uld regnize that she was not our r.”</p><le-embed name="feature-flt" attrs="[object Object]" childTyp="image" ntentType="llout:feature-flt"><figure class="AssetEmbedWrapper-eVDQiB byBkf asset-embed"><div class="AssetEmbedAssetContaer-eJxoAx dBHGoQ asset-embed__asset-ntaer"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO KhjZz AssetEmbedRponsiveAsset-cXBNxi eCxVQK asset-embed__rponsive-asset rponsive-image rponsive-image--expandable"><noscript><img alt="Image may nta Flame Bonfire Fire Human Person Mil Instment Guar and Leisure Activi" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src=" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w" siz="100vw"/></noscript></picture></span></div><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE iTuhkZ ptn AssetEmbedCaptn-fNQBPI fmQnYP asset-embed__ptn"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnText-bHjzlu iUEiRd hWyo iXWezO ptn__text">For years, Andy, Roo, Cal, and Aida envisned creatg a utopian place where people like them—queer, trans, polyamoro—uld feel pletely safe and wele.</span></div></figure></le-embed><p class="paywall">Wh a few years, Eric had tablished a relatnship wh a woman who had two children and was separatg om her hband, who is himself polyamoro. Four years later, she and her children moved . “I love her and wanted her to be part of ,” Eric said. “And Tamara was very happy wh her.” Tamara has a boyiend of ne years. Eric said, “When I was supportive of her dog thgs, me back much stronger, bee she was, like, ‘Thank you, you ma that possible.’ I’m not a very jealo person.”</p><p class="paywall">“The sexual relatnship is jt easier wh newer partners,” Tamara said. “A lot of children of the eighti and neti saw our parents spl bee of affairs. We are fdg more staable ways of dog fay. Often, monogamo married people feel like ‘This is what I have to do,’ not ‘This is what I choose to do.’ Every day, Eric and I make a choice to keep this relatnship together.” They have both had pangs of jealoy, but ls so wh time. “Where I mostly get rentful,” Tamara said, “is when he’s fixg somethg at someone else’s hoe—bee there’s always a huge list of tasks around <em>our</em> hoe.”</p><p class="paywall">Another partner of Eric’s, whom he has known for three years, stays over ocsnally, wh her child. Tamara’s boyiend stays over at least once a week and has a child who regularly stays over wh him. The children the hoe all regard one another as siblgs. Every Friday, Tamara and Eric host a big dner for everyone, cludg ex-partners and close iends. “In that picture, we’d all be the r now,” Eric said. Tamara adms to havg worried that her kids would be isolated or bullied bee of their unnventnal fay; Eric had been equally worried that they would enunter anti-Semism. So far, the children have enuntered only tolerance, but they have an awarens that tolerance do not necsarily n ep. After the shootg at the Pulse night club, Orlando, 2016, one of them asked, “Do people hate like they hate gay people?”</p><p class="paywall">Tamara and Eric are out as polyamoro most ntexts, but Tamara’s long-term boyiend is not. “If he me out at work, he would likely be fired,” Tamara said. Acrdg to Eric, the ex-hband of one of his ls equent partners argued that her poly life style was evince that she was an unf parent and sued for full ctody of their child. The judge clared that her erotic life was immaterial and assigned jot ctody. “But another judge might have bought the hband’s argument,” Eric said. “We have no legal protectns at all for the way we live.”</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Diana Adams, a fay lawyer New York, has bee the leadg figure the nversatn surroundg the applitn of existg laws to polyamoro and other unorthodox arrangements. In 2017, Adams, who the pronoun “they,” found the Chosen Fay Law Center, which unrtak many such s pro bono. They work wh polyamoro clients who would marry if they uld, helpg them craft a legal dynamic for their shared life. Adams believ that the tablishment of gay marriage produced a backlash agast expand relatnship rights, and they enurage their clients to nsir other optns. “An L.L.C. mol is not related to romance, but ’s related to how they n share fanc,” they said. “It’s an optn I have realized wh polyamoro triads and quads. You uld say, This fay is an L.L.C.—they own properti multiple plac, have a mon health-surance plan and bank acunts, and pay tax as an L.L.C. People should unrstand the difference between what we’re creatg legally and what you want to vow to emotnally. You don’t need to get married to bee a social-welfare state of two or three or four.”</p><p class="paywall">Legalizg poly marriag would require revisg the tax and entlement programs to acmodate multi-partner fai. If jot filg were elimated om Amerin e tax, the system would no longer favor married upl at the expense of non-dyadic fai. The sheer number of rights associated wh civil marriage plac this untry alone among Wtern societi. Gay people fought, jtly, to be clud those rights. But, Adams said, “we’d like to get out of the bs of the ernment cidg whether your romantic relatnship has passed scty such that you receive immigratn benefs, health benefs, tax benefs, Medire at ath.”</p><p class="paywall">They went on, “We’re seeg a movement away om parentg beg fed by DNA and toward s beg fed by tentn. Gettg out of the mol of a two-person monogamo marriage as the basis of fay is the next ontier.” They note that earlier eras monogamy was expected of women but not of men. “When we were cidg to make this more equable, uld have gone a different directn,” Adams said, addg that they wished society, stead of phg men toward monogamy, had allowed women nonmonogamy. They went on, “Divorce specialists will tell you we have an epimic of people sayg they’re monogamo, then breakg up fai wh li and fily. What is harmful is that that fily breaks a venant. What if we thk about what we would actually like to create?”</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-9 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">Adams thks that platonic -parents, too, should be entled to some form of regnn. They scribed a woman who beme disabled and whose sister moved and beme the primary parent of the disabled sister’s child. Adams drafted a plex tst so that they uld make hospal viss, have shared fanc, and buy a hoe together. “Fay is really about people who want to take re of one another bee they love one another,” they said. In another se, two male-female upl bond as a polyamoro quad and were livg together. In givg birth, one of the women had a massive heart attack and beme severely disabled. Her hband spent the next year takg re of her rehab centers while the female partner the other uple beme the primary parent of the baby. The hband of the send uple beme the breadwner for all of them. “Dpe that horrific and tragic cint, they’ve been together eight years that format, and they’re a betiful fay,” Adams said.</p><p class="paywall">Adams and their hband both intify as queer, and their relatnship has been polyamoro om the start. In addn to their hband, Adams is long-term relatnships wh two women and also has a boyiend; Adams has a five-year-old dghter wh their hband and has nsired parentg wh a gay male iend. Though they live wh jt their hband and dghter, they are open to habg wh another romantic partner. Their work both reflects and facilat the plexi of their own life.</p><p class="paywall">Adams is wary of makg mon e wh polygamists. “The very nservative, male, patriarchal image of polygamy is radil ntrast to the very morn, evolved world of polyamory,” they said. All the same, they believe that the women’s cisn to lead a polygamo life should be rpected—“jt as we tst them if they choose to be exotic dancers or sex workers or gtatnal surrogat.”</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="qthbok"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="s3qw9m"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">Polygamy and polyamory share many featur but rema soclogilly distct. Polyamoro behavr exists across social groups, but the termology is of the chatterg class. Elisabeth Sheff, the thor of “The Polyamorists Next Door,” speaks of people who are “safe and privileged enough to e out as polyamoro.” Texts on polyamory have tend to foc on the ncerns of whe, middle-class, llege-ted rears, and skate over historil and cultural boundari that nstra dividual choice. Sheff, notg that Black people are already burned by stereotyp that pict them as sexually vorac and unable to form stable fay relatnships, scrib “perversy” as “a luxury more readily available to those who are already members of domant groups.”</p><p class="paywall">Those who said that gay marriage wouldn’t lead to poly marriage often argued that beg gay is an tractable ndn and beg poly is a chosen life style. Helplsly gay people are therefore a protected tegory; electively poly people are not. But Edward Ste, of Yhiva Universy’s Cardozo School of Law, not that many polyamorists claim to have been drawn to nonmonogamy for as long as they have experienced sexual sire, and that many nomal monogamists have tractable difficulty remag that way, suggtg that a polyamoro orientatn may be both nate and immutable. Sheff said, “For some people, isn’t a choice— really is an orientatn.” But even if, for the sake of argument, we say that beg poly is a choice, is that a reason to say that warrants no protectns? Surely, when we fend the rights of Jews or Mlims, we don’t imply that they n’t help beg that way; rather, we nfer digny on a chosen way of life.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">By the time that David Jay was about fourteen, his iends had all begun experiencg attractns that he uld hardly unrstand. “Everyone told me that what I wasn’t feelg was one of the rnerston of a healthy, timate relatnship as an adult,” he told me. “And I was pretty certa that healthy, timate relatnships were what I wanted.” He began to intify as asexual. In 2001, at the age of eighteen, he found the Asexualy Visibily and Edutn Network and, soon after, the Web se , which now has more than a hundred thoand members. David is one of the most proment activists for asexual people—or “ac,” as they are sometim known.</p><p class="paywall">Some ac don’t seek romantic partners; others want romance whout sex; many want to be parents. David found that formg relatnships wh people who were not asexual was often paful. He would immerse himself the tensy, but if the person found a sexual partner they would shift their emotnal energy toward that other relatnship.</p><p class="paywall">In 2010, David, who was then workg as a software veloper, met Avary Kent, who worked impact vtg, at a nference, and they h off; a few months later, Avary troduced David to her boyiend, Zeke Hsfather, a climatologist. David and Zeke spent many hours talkg science. Gradually, David began to troduce tentnaly to the relatnship. “I said, ‘Hey, I want to have one of those nversatns where we name where this relatnship fs our liv, and how we want to build on , if that’s somethg you’d be terted ?’ ” They were.</p><p class="paywall">After Avary and Zeke married, they told David, “We’ve cid we want to have kids. There’s a number of people we want to ve to that procs an tentnal way. The person we want to ve most of all is you.” For more than a year, the three of them discsed what this arrangement might look like. They went to a mediator to try to intify areas where there uld be disagreement. “We nsired how David uld do anythg om beg Uncle David, who drops om time to time, to beg an actual legal -parent,” Avary said. Ultimately, was cid that David should move wh Avary and Zeke and be an equal third parent.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-10 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">Avary found out she was pregnant at the begng of 2017. The three of them went to birthg class together. In Augt, their dghter was born, and they gave her all three of their surnam; she is Octavia Hsfather Jay Kent (Tavi for short). David iated an adoptn procs as soon as Tavi was born, and the three adults signed a -parentg agreement that stipulated what should happen if any of the relatnships ayed.</p><p class="paywall">I first met the fay when Tavi was four and a half months old. They were livg San Francis, an airy, spac apartment that had a vaguely hippie vibe. Zeke said, “The more people we have volved wh raisg Tavi, the easier is for each of dividually, and the easier is for , the better is for her.” Avary had disliked the versn of new motherhood which sleep privatn was “a badge of honor.” She believed that their arrangement was eply tradnal. “I thk that the whole nuclear-fay thg was a strong parture om how humans were acctomed to beg muny and fay and raisg children together,” she said. The three of them ntued dog quarterly unsellg—“to make sure we n air thgs out ont of a ntral third party,” Zeke said. David patted him on the arm. “Fourth party,” he said.</p><p class="paywall">Thanks to shared parentg, Zeke and Avary are able to go out on date nights, and David sometim go blu dancg. They all belong to a sci-fi book club, and they hold a fay check- every Sunday, to divvy up hoehold chor and allote time wh Tavi. When she was a baby, Avary and Zeke would take her to David’s room every night, at around three o’clock. The three of them opened a jot acunt for child-related expens and ntribute to an tnal-savgs acunt for Tavi. They have noticed that, if Zeke and David take Tavi out for a walk around their neighborhood, people ually assume that the two men are a married gay uple. It’s an assumptn that no one uld have ma a generatn ago. ♦</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssS ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="9bt30r"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 PaywallInleBarrierWhWrapperGrid-fyrGfS kLQIUk grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__le-barrier article__body"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"><asi class="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper-iBnuqk lfXXa-D" data-ttid="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper"><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--paywall-le-barrier" role="prentatn" aria-live="pole" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--paywall-le-barrier"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></asi></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ContentWrapperGrid-fvkmBv brYtrA grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__ntaer"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"></div></div></div></div></div></div></article><div class="ContentFooterWrapper-jVNdRG dTJkpP ArticlePageContentFooterGrid-ccsXYy eMZRHU article-body__footer"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><footer class="ContentFooterMagazeDisclaimer-gzKAqo iZIuUU" data-ttid="MagazeDisclaimerWrapper">Published the prt edn of the <a href="/magaze/2021/03/22" data-reactroot="">March 22, 2021</a>, issue, wh the headle “The Shape of Love.”</footer></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="ContributorsWrapper-eNpWFu GWFsc ntributors" data-ttid="Contributors"><div class="ContributorBWrapper-bnVHbt gMon"><div class="ContributorBContent-ubQdr jZTSSi"><div class="ContributorBHear-ledood XOIEx"></div><div class="ContributorBB-fBolsO giFhKz"><a href="/ntributors/andrew-solomon">Andrew Solomon</a> is a profsor of clil medil psychology at Columbia Universy. His books clu “<a href=">Far and Away</a>,” “<a href=">Far om the Tree</a>,” and “<a href=">The Noonday Demon</a>.”</div><div class="ContributorBFooter-brqDlv ezUmSv"></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div data-ttid="TagCloudWrapper" class="TagCloudWrapper-gGgndx ctyZyK ContentFooterTagCloud-krQmRG ZLGh"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudSectnHear-cOforY iUEiRd bPyAoD kQQRmu">More:</span><a href="/tag/polygamy" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Polygamy</span></a><a href="/tag/marriage" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Marriage</span></a><a href="/tag/mormons" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Mormons</span></a><a href="/tag/wiv" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Wiv</span></a><a href="/tag/fai" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Fai</span></a><a href="/tag/salt-lake-cy" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Salt Lake Cy</span></a><a href="/tag/utah" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Utah</span></a><a href="/tag/parentg" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Parentg</span></a></div></div></div></div><div data-ttid="ContentFooterBottom" class="ContentFooterBottom-jwWZfC kcbyiW"><div class="ContentFooterNewsletterContentWrapper-bmjtna kixtae"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div data-ttid="NewsletterSubscribeFormWrapper" class="NewsletterSubscribeFormWrapper-fCqqkN jKSBhE newsletter-subscribe-form ContentFooterNewsletterForm-hKeYwa liPqcf"><div data-ttid="NewsletterSubscribeFormHedDekWrapper" class="NewsletterSubscribeFormHedDekWrapper-fpMElW eglIBL"><h3 class="NewsletterSubscribeFormDangeroHed-kRwWjt kbxOa-D newsletter-subscribe-form__hed ContentFooterNewsletterForm-hKeYwa liPqcf">Weekly</h3><div class="NewsletterSubscribeFormDek-kXonvc cKOhTM newsletter-subscribe-form__k">Your gui to the latt magaze and our biggt stori of the week, pl highlights om podsts, humor, and more.</div></div><div data-ttid="NewsletterSubscribeFormInputsWrapper" class="NewsletterSubscribeFormInputsWrapper-keARJE hVWbzr"><form class="form-wh-validatn NewsletterSubscribeFormValidatn-iCYa-Dt dweEln" id="newsletter" name="newsletter" novalidate="" method="POST"><span class="TextFieldWrapper-Pzdqp hNhevp text-field" data-ttid="TextFieldWrapper__email"><label class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TextFieldLabel-klrYvg iUEiRd stdEm fvoOvz text-field__label text-field__label--sgle-le" for="newsletter-text-field-email" data-ttid="TextFieldLabel__email"><div class="TextFieldLabelText-cvvxBl eeDYTb">E-mail addrs</div><div class="TextFieldInputContaer-jcMPhb oFrOs"><put type="email" aria-scribedby="privacy-text" aria-valid="false" id="newsletter-text-field-email" required="" name="email" placeholr="E-mail addrs" class="BaseInput-fAzTdK TextFieldControlInput-eFUxkf eGzzTT laFPCK text-field__ntrol text-field__ntrol--put" data-ttid="TextFieldInput__email"/></div></label><button class="BaseButton-bLlsy ButtonWrapper-xCepQ bqVKKv dwpimO button button--utily TextFieldButton-csBrgY edxbrw" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" type="subm"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN hzwRuG button__label">Sign up</span></button></span><div id="privacy-text" tabx="-1" class="NewsletterSubscribeFormDisclaimer-bTVtiV bsgLJZ"><span><p>By signg up, you agree to our <a href=" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">User Agreement</a> and <a href=" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Privacy Policy & Cookie Statement</a>. 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egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 720w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 480w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Now Aga: The Fal Days of a Father’s Life" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k summary-em__k--isCneVio">Louis Cox’s feature-length film, "Now Aga," approach mental illns, addictn, strength, and love through the ey of a son rg for his dyg father.</div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff hlYhBH summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only summary-em--layout-posn-image-right summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard 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kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="The Cryptic Crossword: Sunday, July 30, 2023" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k">In France, you pied ballera’s skirt (4).</div><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi hYsZi summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div 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