Gay Men and Their Fathers: Hurt and Healg | Psychology Today

Contents:

• GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG
• MOVG PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERS WH THEIR FAI ACROSS AMERI
• HOPE FOR FUTURE FATHERS OF GAY SONS
• PARENTS OF GAY CHILDREN AND THE ISSU THEY FACE
• MARK WAHLBERG AND GARY SISE STAR AS FATHERS OF GAY SONS ‘JOE BELL’
• GAY MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS: IS THERE A SPECIAL CLOSENS?
• LETTERS TO FATHERS: A QUALATIVE ANALYSIS OF GAY SONS’ EXPERIENC OF PATERNAL CHILDREARG
• OUT OF THE TWILIGHT: FATHERS OF GAY MEN SPEAK 1ST EDN
• DAD AND DAD: A JOURNEY TO GAY FATHERHOOD – PICTUR
• THREE SGLE, GAY DADS REFLECT ON FATHERHOOD, SURROGACY JOURNEYS
• SEXUAL ORIENTATN OF ADULT SONS OF GAY FATHERS
• GAY FATHERS FACE STIGMA AS PARENTS

GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG

They are the fay torchbearers of manls, and, as mal young and old know, homosexualy is nsired the dread oppose of masculy. Acrdg to Michael Kimmel, a soclogist and expert on male sex rol, men monstrate their masculy by repudiatg all that is feme and monstratg an ever-ready willgns to engage sexual terurse wh women whenever the opportuny aris- a nutshell, to prove they are not gay.

A boy growg to a gay man will get the msage loud and clear that he is weak, dirty, and, perhaps worst of all, ls than a man. Th is no wonr that the boys the study for my book: Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, relled beg so reactive and fearful of the rpons of their fathers—the very people who were expectg them to receive and rry the torch of masculy. We mt remember that fathers and sons live the same world—one that teach boys that homosexualy is patible wh real masculy and, by associatn, full male adulthood.

MOVG PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERS WH THEIR FAI ACROSS AMERI

When a father this study ially found out his son was gay, he repeated, over and over, "Do you know what two men do to each other? " Add to this shame and disappotment men's tenncy to be stoic about problems to avoid appearg petent or weak and one gets a sense why many fathers, like those of the boys prevly quoted, did not want to discs such a topic wh a stranger—a gay stranger, no ls.

HOPE FOR FUTURE FATHERS OF GAY SONS

Richard Isay, a psychoanalyst who specializ work wh gay men believ that gay mal unrgo a reverse-Oedipal plex whereby, as young boys, they bee subnscly sexually attracted to their fathers (rather than their mothers).

When the boy is a toddler, the father anxly sens the sublimal sexual charge their relatnship and, bee he is socialized to be repelled and aaid of homosexualy, he nsequently disengag om his son.

Oedipal issu asi, a velopg gay boy may monstrate some tradnally feme gtur or terts that forhadow an adult homosexual orientatn, which may turn make his father unfortable and want to distance.

PARENTS OF GAY CHILDREN AND THE ISSU THEY FACE

Sadly, father-son disengagement or stra may have particularly pernic nsequenc for gay men's adult liv and relatnships. If this primary relatnship is characterized by fear, distance, and hostily durg childhood, as is for many gay men, this will no doubt terfere wh his abily to form and mata timate, mted relatnships wh male partners his future. For gay sons of all ag, but pecially those who are stgglg to tablish, fix, or strengthen their current same-sex relatnships, might be a good ia to look toward their past relatnships wh their fathers for sights and answers.

Eher way, I have found my clil work wh gay men that much eful rmatn n be gaed by examg past, and even prent father-son teractns to terme what patterns are beg repeated and/or reacted to their current relatnships. Fathers who love their gay sons need to unrstand the unique role they play their son's self-teem and future relatnships.

MARK WAHLBERG AND GARY SISE STAR AS FATHERS OF GAY SONS ‘JOE BELL’

Certaly all fathers need to show that they love their sons and dghters, but fathers of gay sons need to fd ways to surmount the barrier of homophobia and socially scripted queass about gay sex to show their sons that they are ed lovable and serve the love of a good man. Although I rarely remend fictn to my clients or stunts, I urge all fathers of gay sons to follow the televisn seri Glee to study the relatnship between the gay character Kurt Hummel and his dad, Burt.

Watch this very macho father reach across the great divi of sex-role expectatns to mata a relatnship wh his wonrfully "flamboyant" gay son built on unndnal love. And also know, Dad, that there are many, many of gay men out there watchg that relatnship too—wh tears of gratu, envy, and longg.

He spent the next four years wh 40 fai across the untry, pilg their quiet moments to his recently-released book, “Dads.”Amerin culture has not been particularly starved of imag of gay fatherhood, particularly recent years. Celebri like Anrson Cooper have helped normalize the ia of gay men raisg children, and no longer feels revelatory to see them on televisn, as did when “Morn Fay” premiered 2009.Ls mon, Mr. Heynen said, are imag of gay fathers who aren’t Instagram ready — like two men bg their dghters’ hair or tossg a football the ont yard.

GAY MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS: IS THERE A SPECIAL CLOSENS?

It’s an unrstandable impulse, which he attribut to a sire among gay parents to feel “normal” after havg their pabili as parents ntually lled to qutn. Heynen said, but rather a celebratn of the day-to-day liv of gay fathers.Not Jt for the YoungCly Rose, 61, and Ryan, 12Cly Rose, who liv Manhattan, was first photographed for “Dads” three years ago after meetg Mr.

Heynen “a lot of cred” for cludg a father like him — a sgle dad his 60s — sce he said there is often a lack of reprentatn of olr gay people art and media, which tends to foc on young, f men.“I’m not some lennial dad wh a six pack,” Mr. Such a photograph would have been extraordarily rare jt s ago, but now is one of many published the book “Dads, ” a four-year visual archive of gay fatherhood across Ameri that began 2016.

LETTERS TO FATHERS: A QUALATIVE ANALYSIS OF GAY SONS’ EXPERIENC OF PATERNAL CHILDREARG

“I felt a ltle b lonely as a gay dad – although there are two of – but lonely the sense that all the other fai I knew were straight parents, ” Heynen said a vio ll, explag why he began photographg the seri. For Heynen, they reprent addnal love and re and help illtrate some of the cisn-makg that, though not exclive to them, all gay fathers mt ntend wh.

Heynen, as well as the fathers he photographed, hope that the photographs “Dads” will dispel some of the hurtful stereotyp that still lger around gay fatherhood. Hosted by Wt Hollywood uple Yan and Alex, the dads e each episo to chat parentg and relatnships, and lately have been focg each episo on the gay rights and fatherhood pathways by untry, and vg a gay father om each lotn on as a gut.

This YA g-of-age novel follows high schooler Sal, who was adopted to a lovg Mexin Amerin fay by his gay father, when he begs to qutn his inty and place the world durg his senr year.

OUT OF THE TWILIGHT: FATHERS OF GAY MEN SPEAK 1ST EDN

This one-hour documentary followed the fay liv of four gay fai and the legal and cultural hurdl the men faced to bee fathers. Savage beme an ternatnally regnized sex lumnist and activist the 1990s and ’00s for his ank cultural sight to gay relatnships and inty.

DAD AND DAD: A JOURNEY TO GAY FATHERHOOD – PICTUR

I figured would be safer tellg him I was gay wh the Atlantic Ocean between -- pecially nsirg his tenncy toward vlent outbursts. In fact, the thought of my beg gay is so abhorrent to my dad, he's felt the need to turn photos of me on the mantle backwards.

My father's machismo and homophobia have prevented him om havg a relatnship wh his youngt son on and off, mostly off, sce 1996.

THREE SGLE, GAY DADS REFLECT ON FATHERHOOD, SURROGACY JOURNEYS

There are men younger than our fathers -- NFL ach and players -- who don't support recg Sam to the league, simply bee he is gay. I believe that my olr brother, and some of my bt guy iends who are fathers, will be acceptg and supportive of their sons -- and dghters -- if they are gay, and love them no differently than if they were straight. Parents of gay children may be shocked when their kids e out of the closet, but once the dt settl, most parents realize that their child is the same one they have loved and red for all their liv, they jt happen to be gay.

And while parental acceptance is one hurdle for a gay child, there are many other issu facg gay kids and their parents.

SEXUAL ORIENTATN OF ADULT SONS OF GAY FATHERS

It may be that the child bucks tradnal genr stereotyp or they may not show attentn to the oppose sex; but are the signs of a gay child?

So, for example, boys that play wh dolls and have primarily girliends or girls who are tomboys and prefer to play wh guns may have an creased likelihood of growg up to be gay.

GAY FATHERS FACE STIGMA AS PARENTS

There also appears to be a relatnship where the more a child shows genr-nonnformg characteristics, the greater the chance that they may grow up to be gay.

While knowg your child is gay may help you ease the transn to adulthood, 's cril to remember that a gay child is jt a child like any other and a parent of gay child is jt a parent, like any other. For example, as Jab Bucher showed “‘But He Can’t Be Gay’: The Relatnship Between Masculy and Homophobia Father-Son Relatnships, ” add lk to annotatn a man’s value for masculy awkward, reword is a huge major predictor for homophobia. Of men who highly value masculy, 89% of fathers of gay sons rated high on the homophobic x, pared to 49% among fathers who do not value masculy wordg is a b nfg...

Intertgly, men were ls likely to be homophobic when their sons were characterized as mascule, a fact remiscent of Bridg & Pase (2016: 416) when they scribed that homophobia has ls to do wh one’s sexualy than wh their lack of masculy (2016:416). 88% of fathers of mascule gay sons accept them and 46% of them feel fortable disclosg their son’s sexualy to others, pared to 75% and 12%, rpectively, for fathers of feme gay sons (Bucher 2014:229). As noted above, the statistics change if the gay sons are mascule bee they are more likely to align wh the heterosexual father’s fn of acceptable male behavr (Bucher 2014:229) emotnal aspects of fatherhood reveal plited father-child dynamics all three articl.