Gay Men and Their Fathers: Hurt and Healg | Psychology Today

Contents:

• GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG
• GROWG UP WH A GAY FATHER – CONFSNS OM A STRAIGHT SON
• WHO DO I TALK TO ABOUT THE GAY DADS MY CHILD’S CLASS?
• “WHO’S THE MUM?”: 6 THGS EVERY GAY DAD MT KNOW
• THE GAY FATHER I NEVER KNEW
• 20/20: GROWG UP WH GAY PARENTS

GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG

She had never worked wh a gay uple before, but she was up for the challenge helpg source breast k, so we went for !

GROWG UP WH A GAY FATHER – CONFSNS OM A STRAIGHT SON

Bee we shared our story onle, Amanda is now helpg other gay upl the same way. Upliftg, real and a ltle mp, Stuart and Francis are a new generatn of gay mentors who have skyrocketed to fame on TikTok for their nsistent msage of happs, fay valu and unique approach to storytellg. Bis, he enjoys makg her chuckle a few tim a day wh his funny From Comedian Category: Greg Davi Married, Partner, Datg, Gay, Height, SisterThough Stewart is not much to flntg the togetherns wh his partner on social media, he is often spotted postg jok on social media, where he volv his wife as a supportg st.

Fathers many fai are myster, distant, timidatg figur—even more so for boys wh homosexual attractns. They are the fay torchbearers of manls, and, as mal young and old know, homosexualy is nsired the dread oppose of masculy. Acrdg to Michael Kimmel, a soclogist and expert on male sex rol, men monstrate their masculy by repudiatg all that is feme and monstratg an ever-ready willgns to engage sexual terurse wh women whenever the opportuny aris- a nutshell, to prove they are not gay.

To be gay is to be powerls, weak, unable to break ee om Mommy, and the characteristics are patible wh real manls. Inially, the assertn that homophobia plays center stage men's mascule self-ncept may seem rather extreme.

WHO DO I TALK TO ABOUT THE GAY DADS MY CHILD’S CLASS?

" "That's so gay. A boy growg to a gay man will get the msage loud and clear that he is weak, dirty, and, perhaps worst of all, ls than a man. Th is no wonr that the boys the study for my book: Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, relled beg so reactive and fearful of the rpons of their fathers—the very people who were expectg them to receive and rry the torch of masculy.

He would ll gay people nam and stuff. We mt remember that fathers and sons live the same world—one that teach boys that homosexualy is patible wh real masculy and, by associatn, full male adulthood.

Fathers too were raised to not only look down upon homosexualy, but to fear themselv.

“WHO’S THE MUM?”: 6 THGS EVERY GAY DAD MT KNOW

Th havg a gay son might feel particularly shameful for a father, as he may believe is an dictment of his own masculy. When a father this study ially found out his son was gay, he repeated, over and over, "Do you know what two men do to each other? " Add to this shame and disappotment men's tenncy to be stoic about problems to avoid appearg petent or weak and one gets a sense why many fathers, like those of the boys prevly quoted, did not want to discs such a topic wh a stranger—a gay stranger, no ls.

Neverthels, is important to regnize that father-son antagonism uld be particularly woundg for a gay man. Richard Isay, a psychoanalyst who specializ work wh gay men believ that gay mal unrgo a reverse-Oedipal plex whereby, as young boys, they bee subnscly sexually attracted to their fathers (rather than their mothers).

THE GAY FATHER I NEVER KNEW

When the boy is a toddler, the father anxly sens the sublimal sexual charge their relatnship and, bee he is socialized to be repelled and aaid of homosexualy, he nsequently disengag om his son. Oedipal issu asi, a velopg gay boy may monstrate some tradnally feme gtur or terts that forhadow an adult homosexual orientatn, which may turn make his father unfortable and want to distance. Sadly, father-son disengagement or stra may have particularly pernic nsequenc for gay men's adult liv and relatnships.

If this primary relatnship is characterized by fear, distance, and hostily durg childhood, as is for many gay men, this will no doubt terfere wh his abily to form and mata timate, mted relatnships wh male partners his future. For gay sons of all ag, but pecially those who are stgglg to tablish, fix, or strengthen their current same-sex relatnships, might be a good ia to look toward their past relatnships wh their fathers for sights and answers.

Eher way, I have found my clil work wh gay men that much eful rmatn n be gaed by examg past, and even prent father-son teractns to terme what patterns are beg repeated and/or reacted to their current relatnships.

20/20: GROWG UP WH GAY PARENTS

Armed wh this sight, gay men n then make more rmed choic about how to teract wh the men their liv.

Fathers who love their gay sons need to unrstand the unique role they play their son's self-teem and future relatnships. Certaly all fathers need to show that they love their sons and dghters, but fathers of gay sons need to fd ways to surmount the barrier of homophobia and socially scripted queass about gay sex to show their sons that they are ed lovable and serve the love of a good man.

Although I rarely remend fictn to my clients or stunts, I urge all fathers of gay sons to follow the televisn seri Glee to study the relatnship between the gay character Kurt Hummel and his dad, Burt. Watch this very macho father reach across the great divi of sex-role expectatns to mata a relatnship wh his wonrfully "flamboyant" gay son built on unndnal love.