Straight Women and Their Gay Hbands | Psychology Today

Contents:

• IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?
• GAY AND CAN'T FD A PARTNER?
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• NEW ‘GAY WATER’ LOOKS TO AVOID BUD LIGHT DISASTER
• LOOKG FOR GAY HBAND
• LOOK FOR A TERNATNAL SPOE. GETTG A GAY FOREIGN HBAND!
• DIPLOMATIC TENSN REPORTEDLY RISG BETWEEN UNED STAT AND JAMAI OVER GAY AMERIN DIPLOMAT
• GAY DATG UNED KGDOM

IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

In his Royal Oaks, Michigan, practice, Joe specializ Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy and IMAGO Relatnship Therapy, often treatg men who are qutng their sexual orientatn. This populatn is the foc of his new and much-need book: Is My Hband Gay, Straight, or Bi?

Number one is the high cince of male-female upl enterg my office bee the woman thks her man might be gay.

More often than not, he’s not gay or even bi. He’s actually straight, but for whatever reason, he’s been lookg at gay porn or he’s been havg sex wh men.

GAY AND CAN'T FD A PARTNER?

A lot of the time the men e on their own and they’re holdg my book about g out as gay, and they want to know, “Is this me? Am I gay?

And I thk ’s very important to state right here that I’m a gay man, yet here I am sayg that most of the time the men who are beg sexual wh other men aren’t gay. That’s unual, bee most gay men, even most gay therapists, believe that if a guy is havg gay sex, he’s gay.

So how do you terme if a man is or isn’t gay? Most gay or bisexual men will say y.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

” I always joke wh clients that for me, as a gay man, when I’m walkg on the beach and checkg people out, the women are the way. Wh gay clients, they say they feel the same way; wh bisexual clients, they say they’re lookg at both the men and the women; wh straight clients, they say they’re lookg only at the women.

Another thg that I look for is homophobia. When a man is a long-term relatnship wh a woman but beg sexual wh men, eher lookg at porn or havg actual sex, he eher will or won’t be homophobic.

Intertgly, ’s the gay men who are homophobic. The straight men have no homophobia at all—to the pot where they’re willg to seek unselg om me, an openly gay therapist. A lot of tim the gay men never even make to me (whout promptg om their wife, anyway) bee they’re riddled wh homophobia and I’m too gay for them.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

So if a client is stgglg wh his sexual orientatn and he’s got a lot of homophobia, he’s probably gay. A gay guy wants to do all of that wh a man, a bisexual guy might want a man or a woman, and the straight guy wants to only be wh a woman that way. He’s been lookg at gay porn or he’s been hookg up wh guys he meets through Craigslist.

NEW ‘GAY WATER’ LOOKS TO AVOID BUD LIGHT DISASTER

And that’s too gay for them anyway.

The gay man is dog this bee ’s his sexual inty. Even if he’s nfed and don’t want to e out as gay, this is who he is and over time that will e out.

But the gay man r. So this is a way of bondg wh men—ironilly, through sex—and happens not bee the man is gay but bee he don’t know any other way to get this need met.

LOOKG FOR GAY HBAND

And then they ask me if this mak them gay. It’s not gay or straight, ’s jt your an.

Then I tell them that a lot of gay men don’t do anal at all, eher givg or receivg. If the man is gay, the relatnship has ls of a chance of survival.

The reason is that the guy really is gay and he wants to exprs that sexually and romantilly. Eher they’re worried that their man will eventually ci he’s gay and end the relatnship, or they want monogamy, and his cheatg is a threat to the marriage regardls of who he’s dog wh.

LOOK FOR A TERNATNAL SPOE. GETTG A GAY FOREIGN HBAND!

And I should pot out here that the men when they’re engagg this behavr (regardls of whether they’re gay, straight or bi) nearly always tell themselv that what they’re dog is not cheatg bee they’re dog wh a guy. OK, so, you’re gay, and you want to fd a partner and eventually a hband; someone wh whom to share your life.

DIPLOMATIC TENSN REPORTEDLY RISG BETWEEN UNED STAT AND JAMAI OVER GAY AMERIN DIPLOMAT

You thk that maybe ’s jt not possible for gay men to have long-term relatnships. There mt be some tth to the old joke: “What do a gay man brg on a send date? As an openly gay man wh over 30 years of experience as a therapist, I have seen sr of sgle gay men sabotage their efforts to fd a partner, placg obstacl their own path—whout havg the slightt ia as to what they are dog and why.

Fortunately, I have also learned how to intify and name the self-featg and often hidn hurdl—and have disvered that they are beliefs that too many gay men repeat to themselv, often whout even knowg . In my experience, this ternalized belief is the poison that prevents some gay men om buildg a healthy relatnship, and also why many ms up the on they already have.

Some of have been bullied as children; physilly, verbally, and emotnally abed at tenr ag by our peers and fay members for beg gay before we even regnized and unrstood our same-sex attractns. Sadly, the wounds are difficult to heal, and as a rult, n leave gay men wh the sense that we are unlovable and th unworthy of love, affectn, and happs.

GAY DATG UNED KGDOM

For sure, so much of the gay male world is way too foced on looks, youth, the gym, partyg, and fast hookups; so searchg for Mr. Right is like lookg for a needle a gaystack. In the old days, when I was g out, beg gay had more of an outlaw qualy.

Nonmonogamy was a polil statement, and gay rights advot saw marriage as nstrictive, patriarchal, heterocentric, flawed (perhaps due to the 50% failure rate) and therefore not worthy of pursu, pecially light of how gay men of the era were still gettg ejected om their jobs, hom, fai and blackmailed and arrted for who they were. Contrary to heterosexual fears, legal gay marriage has given the stutn an enormo boost importance. Where ’s legal, same-sex upl are gettg married drov, and some gay weddgs are so theatril and over the top that they n actually be timidatg.

Many sgle gay men are happy, valug their tonomy and personal eedom (like the mcled bad boy scribed above).