Gay Men and Their Fathers: Hurt and Healg | Psychology Today

Contents:

• IS YOUR DAD GAY—OR ARE YOU A GAY DAD?
• HOW I ACCINTALLY FOUND OUT MY DAD IS GAY
• EXPLORG WHO IS AND WHAT MAK A GAY “DADDY”
• GROWG UP WH A GAY FATHER – CONFSNS OM A STRAIGHT SON
• GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG
• ‘A FAY LIKE OURS’: PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERHOOD
• THREE SGLE, GAY DADS REFLECT ON FATHERHOOD, SURROGACY JOURNEYS
• DAD AND DAD: A JOURNEY TO GAY FATHERHOOD – PICTUR
• THE GAY FATHER I NEVER KNEW
• MOVG PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERS WH THEIR FAI ACROSS AMERI

IS YOUR DAD GAY—OR ARE YOU A GAY DAD?

Most children whose dads are gay were born while their blogil mom and blogil dad were married and livg together. If you have a gay dad or a lbian mom, after they separate, which of them is most likely to remarry or to remarry and then divorce?

But gay dads are ls likely to get divorced om their hbands than lbian moms are to get divorced om their wiv. Gay men may experience more discrimatn than lbians, pecially if they are parents.

Our society is still ls acceptg of gay men beg fathers than of lbians beg mothers. But perhaps the most important rearch fdg is that gay dads and their dghters have closer relatnships when dads tell the tth—and the dads are ls clilly prsed than dads who hi this important rmatn om their children (Tornello, 2018).

HOW I ACCINTALLY FOUND OUT MY DAD IS GAY

Sadly, gay fathers are more aaid than lbian mothers to tell their children the tth, regardls of their age. So if you as a dghter or as a gay dad are still tiptoeg around the topic, ’s time to give yourselv a gift by gettg this skeleton out of the closet.

My brother picked up the word for "gay" – a word my dad repeated several tim durg that that pot, my parents had told they had problems their marriage, but a few months later, when I was around ne years old, we still went on our annual fay summer holiday to France. "There aren't a lot of gay people out there wh a wife and children, " he told me. I once tagged along wh him to his favoure gay bar, where I met all the iends he's ma there over the years.

This me as a surprise sce my dad always seemed so tradnal and homophobic(which I never liked). While the term “daddy” has gotten more and more popular the gay muny over the past several years, therapist Matthew Dempsey’s latt YouTube vio explor what mak a gay “daddy?

EXPLORG WHO IS AND WHAT MAK A GAY “DADDY”

“Growg up gay, most of didn’t have parents who shared that inty and uld gui through that experience as we stepped to adulthood. “Whether for iendship or romance, we n easily fd ourselv drawn to olr gay men for answers we never got and always need. Dempsey enlists the aid of his iend and “rint daddy, ” Eric Rutherford, to chat on how beg a gay “daddy” affects gay men regard to agg, datg, and takg re of yourself mentally and physilly.

Rutherford shar that the “first big love” of his life mted suici when he reached his 60s feelg he had “aged out” of gay culture. In this example, you happened to see him naked a settg that n be sexually arog for a lot of gay man. When he was younger we had spicns he would turn out gay, so we always showsed our support so we knew he’d be fortable if he was, but once he h puberty was clear he was to girls, always talked about them, never showed tert boys romantilly, and started datg a girl a few months back.

My 12 y/o is a sweet boy, but we (largely due to stereotyp, which you n blame on ), never spected he was gay. His boyiend’s parents know they’re a uple, and his boyiend is openly gay to their school as well.

GROWG UP WH A GAY FATHER – CONFSNS OM A STRAIGHT SON

He’s been askg some more qutns about dynamics a gay relatnship, and also been askg about gay history (he’s a very smart boy).

Growg up wh a gay father, particularly one who was aaid to e out, prented challeng our abily to get emotnally close.

From my earlit memori of my Dad around age 5, I thk I always knew my dad was gay.

GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG

After all, he was the son of a Baptist Preacher and there would not have been much tolerance the 1940’s or 50’s for him to e out as gay. In talkg to both of them over the years, they both claim they had no ia my Dad was gay.

In retrospect, the fact that he was a cheerlear his bt iend was a male hairdrser (who was openly gay) that my Uncle Buddy nicknamed him “Percy” (which my Dad hated) and that my Dad went on to open a home furnishgs store might have been a clue. Realizg his sexualy and beg a gay father the late 1960s, pecially wh me a long way away, mt have been really transformative for my Dad. He lived and around the Oak Lawn area of Dallas (long a predomantly gay or at least gay-iendly neighborhood).

He was meetg lots of openly gay people & gog to clubs where was OK to be openly gay.

‘A FAY LIKE OURS’: PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERHOOD

My Dad, of urse, was sistent that no one would obvly know he was gay (which also ma Tom and I lgh). In Loren’s se, he didn’t e to terms wh beg gay until the age of 40 and was married wh children at the time.

The one benef to always knowg I had a gay father is that there was never I time I rell thkg was wrong. I first realized my Dad was gay when I was around 7 or 8, and I have no rellectn of him beg wh my Mom.

Almost all his iends were gay as were most of his employe (those 2 groups pretty much beg the same people). That beg said, I was probably spared a lot of bullyg at school sce no one there knew I had a gay father. I feel que sure I got lucky this regard and that many kids wh a gay father were picked on for their parent’s sexualy.

THREE SGLE, GAY DADS REFLECT ON FATHERHOOD, SURROGACY JOURNEYS

I’m proud of the fact that I and their mother have raised our dghters to not qutn or judge my Dad or Tom beg gay.

DAD AND DAD: A JOURNEY TO GAY FATHERHOOD – PICTUR

Our girls simply accept them for who they are, jt as they do all their other fay members who happen to not be gay. I always knew he was gay and never had that “my Dad is gay” aha moment of realizg I had a gay father.

Together we learned how to be a father and son a day and age where beg a gay father was most certaly owned upon. If you are a gay father or the child of a gay father (or mother), and your relatnship isn’t all that uld be, don’t wa until ’s too late to fix . [Gay Pri Para Rally Dallas] – This photograph is part of the llectn entled: LGBT Collectns and one other and was provid by UNT Librari Special Collectns to Digal Library.

In late 1980, at a support group for gay fathers, my dad met Lnel –– the man wh whom he would spend the next 23 years.

THE GAY FATHER I NEVER KNEW

He had seemed kd of lost his new life – phg 60, recently divorced om my mother, recently out of the closet as gay man. He asked that I march wh him, alongsi the other gay fathers and their kids, the Los Angel Pri Para.

What I do remember was that someone had ma T-shirts that said "I LOVE MY GAY DAD" and I refed to wear one. ” The tth, though, is that I lacked the urage to stand all the way up for my father and his ras agast a homophobic and different world. I probably left my "I LOVE MY GAY DAD" T-shirt next to the box had e out of, though I might have taken home wh me and buried a drawer.

Pete Wilson’s office, or at the Natnal March on Washgton for Lbian and Gay dad and his hband lost a lot of iends to AIDS. Even when I was an obnox 22-year-old and wouldn’t put on a T-shirt to clare, unashamed, unembarrassed and unapologetic, that I love my gay dad. Fathers many fai are myster, distant, timidatg figur—even more so for boys wh homosexual attractns.

MOVG PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERS WH THEIR FAI ACROSS AMERI

They are the fay torchbearers of manls, and, as mal young and old know, homosexualy is nsired the dread oppose of masculy. Acrdg to Michael Kimmel, a soclogist and expert on male sex rol, men monstrate their masculy by repudiatg all that is feme and monstratg an ever-ready willgns to engage sexual terurse wh women whenever the opportuny aris- a nutshell, to prove they are not gay. To be gay is to be powerls, weak, unable to break ee om Mommy, and the characteristics are patible wh real manls.