Is Your Dad Gay—or Are You a Gay Dad? | Psychology Today

Contents:

• IS YOUR DAD GAY—OR ARE YOU A GAY DAD?
• HOW I ACCINTALLY FOUND OUT MY DAD IS GAY
• MY DAD COMG OUT AS GAY CHANGED OUR LIV — AND GAVE ME THE COURAGE TO BE MYSELF
• IM GAY AND IM ATTRACTED TO MY FATHER..
• AFTER 20 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, MY DAD CAME OUT AS GAY
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• THE GAY FATHER I NEVER KNEW
• I'M 57 YEARS OLD AND MY FATHER JT DISOWNED ME FOR BEG GAY
• DAD, YOU'RE GAY? I AM, TOO
• MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER THE DAY I FOUND OUT MY FATHER WAS GAY
• WHEN PARENTS SEPARATE AND ONE PARENT ‘COM OUT’ AS LBIAN, GAY OR BISEXUAL: SONS AND DGHTERS ENGAGE WH THE TENSN THAT OCCURS WHEN THEIR FAY UN CHANG
• HOW TO TELL YOUR PARENTS YOU ARE GAY

IS YOUR DAD GAY—OR ARE YOU A GAY DAD?

Most children whose dads are gay were born while their blogil mom and blogil dad were married and livg together. If you have a gay dad or a lbian mom, after they separate, which of them is most likely to remarry or to remarry and then divorce? But gay dads are ls likely to get divorced om their hbands than lbian moms are to get divorced om their wiv.

HOW I ACCINTALLY FOUND OUT MY DAD IS GAY

Our society is still ls acceptg of gay men beg fathers than of lbians beg mothers. But perhaps the most important rearch fdg is that gay dads and their dghters have closer relatnships when dads tell the tth—and the dads are ls clilly prsed than dads who hi this important rmatn om their children (Tornello, 2018). Sadly, gay fathers are more aaid than lbian mothers to tell their children the tth, regardls of their age.

So if you as a dghter or as a gay dad are still tiptoeg around the topic, ’s time to give yourselv a gift by gettg this skeleton out of the closet. If you thk your brother is gay bee he watch a "girly" TV show or his voice sounds a certa way, that's relyg on stereotyp. If you live a particularly homophobic or transphobic area, discs safety plans wh the fay member se of vlence om others.

If your fay member has e out as gay or bisexual, accept that they will end up seeg someone of their own genr, and that's perfectly okay. Don't be aaid to rearch beg gay, bisexual, transgenr, asexual, or whatever your fay member me out as. If you saw your brother kissg another guy and he said he is not attracted to women, y, he is gay.

MY DAD COMG OUT AS GAY CHANGED OUR LIV — AND GAVE ME THE COURAGE TO BE MYSELF

My brother picked up the word for "gay" – a word my dad repeated several tim durg that that pot, my parents had told they had problems their marriage, but a few months later, when I was around ne years old, we still went on our annual fay summer holiday to France.

"There aren't a lot of gay people out there wh a wife and children, " he told me. I once tagged along wh him to his favoure gay bar, where I met all the iends he's ma there over the years.

IM GAY AND IM ATTRACTED TO MY FATHER..

I n't remember exactly what I unrstood of the word "gay" at that pot my life, but whether me om hearg my classmat e to disparage our peers or the nate unrstandg that s existence our life meant plete and utter change to our fay dynamic, I stantly registered the word as synonymo wh "bad. I never hated to pull asi even the tought bulli after hearg them make fun of our gay classmat to give them a piece of my md, and I preached csantly about why the f-word should be dropped om everyone's vobulari anytime was uttered my prence. We would se together as adults and share stori om our childhoods about our gay parents that others wouldn't unrstand.

AFTER 20 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, MY DAD CAME OUT AS GAY

It's te that children of gay adults tend to grow up quicker than most bee we e to know a different world at an early age that some adults are not yet able to fully prehend.

At the age of 18 I talked to my parents and olr brother about me beg gay and they all pletely accepted me whout hsatn. Then, I have hardly ever bond wh him any way, he ma some effort to aproach me and learn more about me and my gay life, but he is still the same person who ( my opn) didn't give a damn about me when I was a child. Y, the lack of a fatherly figure durg early teen years might be the culpr, I believe that thats what turned me gay anyway..

What I gleaned om his ramblgs were that he believed that human sexualy was a ntuum and that if he hadn't been born and raised a relig fah that shunned homosexualy, he might have gravated more towards that si of the spectm. Although had never crossed my md that my dad might be gay, wasn't a total shock eher.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

This environment mouflaged my dad's te sexual inty, both om himself and the rt of dad was his early 40s when he realized he was gay.

THE GAY FATHER I NEVER KNEW

They thought that "beg gay" would maybe pass, but they also explored the ia of havg an "arrangement" their marriage.

My dad knew he was gay at age 16, but he did what he thought he was supposed to: He married a woman and had children.

I'M 57 YEARS OLD AND MY FATHER JT DISOWNED ME FOR BEG GAY

Once he uld live openly as a gay man, his anger dissipated, but also unvered a well of emotns he had supprsed for years.

He was raisg a teenage girl—hard enough on s own, but most gay men were not fathers. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men. If a hband is gay, n vastate not only the relatnship but the straight wife as well. If the hband is hont wh both you and wh himself (read: How Do I Know If I Am Gay?

DAD, YOU'RE GAY? I AM, TOO

Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own. In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved.

But if you're wonrg, "Is my man gay, " might be helpful to know that there are signs to look for, acrdg to Kaye.

MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER THE DAY I FOUND OUT MY FATHER WAS GAY

Kaye has veloped the Official Gay Hband Checklist to help women know if their hbands are gay. A hband may be gay and display none of those signs or a hband may display the signs and not be gay. Kaye advis that women "follow their stcts" when cidg whether their hband may be gay.

If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner. (If you're thkg that you n cure the gay by havg your hband go to gay nversn therapy, read this. What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife.

The wife has not been aquate any way and likely the gay hband married her bee he tly red about her.

WHEN PARENTS SEPARATE AND ONE PARENT ‘COM OUT’ AS LBIAN, GAY OR BISEXUAL: SONS AND DGHTERS ENGAGE WH THE TENSN THAT OCCURS WHEN THEIR FAY UN CHANG

AdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENTSocial Q’sA rear asks for advice on talkg to her father about his new romantic dad me out as gay to my mom and me two years ago, and my parents got divorced. While I’d never met an out gay man, I kd of knew what they were supposed to be like om movi and TV, and Dad f the mold: He loved to ok; he cleaned obssively; he kept the Internatnal Male talog around, bee, he said, “I like the cloth. ” she’d said our kchen—after a long nversatn she’d had wh an openly gay iend om llege, Pat, who had, apparently, been a nfidant of Dad’s.

Years later Mom told me that, acrdg to Pat, Dad had been active Lexgton and Louisville’s gay club scene.

) But to actually let me —to s on that blue blanket, look me the eye and tell me he was gay—was somethg he uldn’t do. Anyway, my fay members have recently e up wh the ia he may be secretly gay which is why he’s an alholic and n’t sta any relatnships wh women (although he tri very hard to.

HOW TO TELL YOUR PARENTS YOU ARE GAY

I thk he was always cheatg on my mom bee ep down he knew he was gay but figured that he jt need to fd the “right” woman to make “ go away”). In late 1980, at a support group for gay fathers, my dad met Lnel –– the man wh whom he would spend the next 23 years. He had seemed kd of lost his new life – phg 60, recently divorced om my mother, recently out of the closet as gay man.

He asked that I march wh him, alongsi the other gay fathers and their kids, the Los Angel Pri Para. What I do remember was that someone had ma T-shirts that said "I LOVE MY GAY DAD" and I refed to wear one. ” The tth, though, is that I lacked the urage to stand all the way up for my father and his ras agast a homophobic and different world.

I probably left my "I LOVE MY GAY DAD" T-shirt next to the box had e out of, though I might have taken home wh me and buried a drawer.