'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• WHY DO GAY UPL E THE TERMS ‘HBAND’ AND ‘WIFE,’ RATHER THAN ‘PARTNER’?
• GAY MARRIAGE QUANDARY: AM I THE BRI OR GROOM?
• IS IT GAY HBAND? LBIAN WIFE? OR WHAT?
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• THE LANGUAGE OF GAY MARRIAGE
• HOW TO INTRODUCE A MARRIED GAY COUPLE
• GAY MARRIAGE TIMELE
• FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY

WHY DO GAY UPL E THE TERMS ‘HBAND’ AND ‘WIFE,’ RATHER THAN ‘PARTNER’?

(Still, I uldn’t help but notice that the boyiend of Michael Sam, the first openly gay football player to be drafted by an NFL team, was rrectly lled out by some as Sam’s “wife” and “trophy wife” on social media, highlightg the tradnal stereotyp of “hband/wife” rol.

The vast majory of scientific studi that have directly pared lbian and gay parents wh heterosexual parents have nsistently shown that the same-sex upl are as f and pable parents as heterosexual upl, and that their children are jt as psychologilly healthy and well adjted. "Clerks at cy hall told baffled upl to wa until onle applitn forms uld be adjted to acmodate same-sex upl, who ptured the right to marry July 24 after New York joed five other stat and the District of Columbia to legally sanctn gay the right to marry gas momentum across the Uned Stat, same-sex upl are refg the tradnal rol of hband and wife, and burecrats are scramblg to keep pace wh the social revolutn.

"This kd of thg don't set well wh [Mayor] Michael Bloomberg, " said Richard Soris, print of the natnal advocy group Equaly Matters and former advisor to Print Bill Clton on issu affectg gays and only took Bloomberg -- one of the most vol supporters of the gay marriage bill -- 24 hours to straighten out the ms, orrg the cy clerk to update the onle applitns to rephrase the personal rmatn tegori to "Bri/Groom/Spoe A" and "Bri/Groom/Spoe B. All that changed after the Stonewall Uprisg, the 1969 police raid of Greenwich Village's Stonewall Inn and the six-day vlent street protts that that, gay upl "anized themselv along heterosexual genr l, " acrdg to New York Cy psychiatrist Jack Drcher. Men are creasgly takg on childrearg rponsibili that were once legated to gay upl marry the stat were is legal -- Connecticut, Vermont, Iowa, Massachetts, New Hampshire, District of Columbia and now New York -- they have more choic, llg themselv, "wife and wife" or "hband and hband, " or the ntral term, "spoe.

GAY MARRIAGE QUANDARY: AM I THE BRI OR GROOM?

" I am a straight man my 50s, and most same-sex upl of my age group e “partner” to refer to each other although younger gay male iends speak of their “hbands” wh lbian upl routely g “wife. ) and I’ll bet you’re likely to rell when other terms were vogue — “longtime pann” was obuary for “gay” – and back the day the sexually suggtive “lover” was the mon moniker for many a practil level what I suggt dog is listeng to how a uple troduc or refers to each other.

For stance, I recently overheard a gay iend a long-term relatnship refer to his better half as his “spoe” only to hear one of the straight folks ask him mut later what kd of work his “iend” did. I’d love to see Endora st a spell on Congrs and get to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), which prohibs Feral regnn of gay and lbian weddgs (and ni more than 1, 100 benefs like Social Secury for survivg spo or hospal visatn rights).

IS IT GAY HBAND? LBIAN WIFE? OR WHAT?

Megan Holgate uldn’t que believe where she was the height of the Aids crisis and she was the wag room of an ner-cy STI clic, equented by those most at risk of HIV: gay men, jectg dg ers, sex, as she had been, a monogamo married had felt “too ashamed” to ask her doctor for the HIV tt. As her dad pulled up she opened her purse, fat wh not, and phed them all to the bewilred man’s hands before beg whisked is one of a potentially dyg breed of women: those who married closeted gay men.

Steve Kleedler, executive edor of the Amerin Herage Dictnary, brought a personal as well as a lexil perspective to a March 29, 2013, NPR report entled “Gay Marriage and the Evolvg Language of Love. ” This year, thanks to the Supreme Court’s double punch June — guttg the feral Defense of Marriage Act and dismissg California’s Prop 8 — the floodgat have opened and gay upl are shg to take advantage of this momento time. ’ ”Ined, etiquette n sometim seem like a strajacket (“do this, not that”), but also sets out protol, as this suatn, that simply mak for fewer missteps or fx that said, I know om iends and my own recent marriage that changg monikers tak some gettg ed to — by both gays and straights.

Reporters wrote about what Fortunato and Schwandt lled a holy unn, which was ntroversial not bee there was talk of legalizg gay marriage but bee the two men publicly ask for -- and were nied -- the blsg of the Epispal Church. "The New York State Court of Appeals clar that a lbian or gay uple livg together for a least ten years n be nsired a fay for purpos of rent ntrol protectn, the first time a state's hight urt l that a gay uple n be lled a fay...

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

The California Bar Associatn urg that lbian and gay marriage be legally regnized and Seattle, San Francis and other ci, 'partners' regulatns extendg certa protectns and rights to unmarried upl, straight and gay, are adopted. "Jt as Hawaii's high urt seemed poised to allow same-sex marriag, gay activists have seen their visns of legal weddgs on the beach of Mi disappear as voters approved Constutnal Amendment 2, givg the legislature power to 'rerve marriage to oppose-sex upl. "Rabbis belongg to the biggt and most liberal branch of Judaism the Uned Stat have voted to regnise the partnerships of gay and lbian Central Conference of Amerin Rabbis, which is part of the Jewish Reform movement, has agreed to sanctn relig ceremoni for same-sex Print of the Conference, Rabbi Charl Kroloff, said that gay and lbian people served the regnn and rpect due to people created the image of God.

The upl are barred om adoptg children overseas bee of potential objectns om untri that do not accept gay the new legislatn, all referenc to genr laws erng matrimony and adoptn will be leted favor of the ntral-genr term, partner. "Before the lg [Supreme Court lg that laws makg gay sex a crime were unnstutnal], supporters the Hoe [US Hoe of Reprentativ] of a nstutnal amendment that would more formally rtrict marriage to the unn of a man and a woman were havg trouble attractg sponsors.

IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN

"A unty clerk issued marriage licens Friday to at least 15 gay upl, some of whom then exchanged vows outsi the urthoe, as more same-sex upl led up for a chance to tie the Mexi law f marriage as a ntract between ntractg parti but do not mentn genr. In back-to-back ceremoni on the steps of the Cy Hall rotunda, Kuehl, California's first openly gay state legislator, pronounced her close iends and polil lleagu married to tears and shouts of jubilatn. If the se is permted to go to trial, San Francis officials said their brief, the cy will prent evince that 'relegatg same-sex relatnships to ferr, send-class stat severely stigmatiz gay men, lbians and their fai.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

"CAMBRIDGE, Mass., May 17 -- Ameri's first gay marriage fully thorized by law took place here this morng when Tanya McCloskey, 52, and Marcia Kadish, 56, exchanged vows at the Cambridge Cy Hall. "Thoands of marriag sanctned San Francis earlier this year were void Thursday when the California Supreme Court led that cy's mayor overstepped his thory by issug licens to gay and lbian upl. 24, 2004] while makg his most revealg public ments so far about the sexual orientatn of his gay his posn on the subject at a town hall meetg here, Cheney replied: 'Lynne and I have a gay dghter, so 's an issue that our fay is very faiar wh....

4, 2005) that a state law that effectively nied gay upl the right to marry vlated the state Constutn, a cisn that raised the possibily that the cy would beg issug marriage licens to same-sex upl as soon as next month. In her 62-page cisn, she wrote that the state's Domtic Relatns Law, which dat to 1909 and lims marriage to unns between oppose-sex upl, prived gay upl of equal protectn and due procs rights unr the state Constutn.

"In a cisn likely to stoke the ntent electn-year bate over same-sex marriage, the New Jersey Supreme Court has led that state lawmakers mt provi the rights and benefs of marriage to gay and lbian upl.

THE LANGUAGE OF GAY MARRIAGE

'In view of the substance and signifince of the fundamental nstutnal right to form a fay relatnship, ' he wrote, 'the California Constutn properly mt be terpreted to guarantee this basic civil right to all Californians, whether gay or heterosexual, and to same-sex upl as well as to oppose-sex upl. Proposn 8 was the most expensive proposn on any ballot the natn this year, wh more than $74 ln spent by both measure's most fervent proponents believed that nothg ls than the future of tradnal fai was at stake, while opponents believed that they were fightg for the fundamental right of gay people to be treated equally unr the years ago, Californians voted 61% to fe marriage as beg only between a man and a California Supreme Court overturned that measure, Proposn 22, s May 15 cisn legalizg same-sex marriage on the grounds that the state Constutn required equal treatment of gay and lbian upl. District Judge Vghn Walker found that the ban on same-sex marriage vlated the nstutnal due procs and equal protectn rights of a pair of upl - one lbian and one gay - who judge orred an junctn agast enforcement of Prop.

Sent a letter to Congrs on Wednday sayg that the Jtice Department will now take the posn urt that the Defense of Marriage Act should be stck down as a vlatn of gay upl’ rights to equal protectn unr the law. Cuomo signed the measure after passed a Republin-ntrolled Senate on Friday night [June 24, 2011], raisg qutns as to whether the move reflects new momentum the gay rights said the law will grant same-sex upl equal rights to marry 'as well as hundreds of rights, benefs and protectns that are currently limed to married upl of the oppose sex. Print history to fully embrace that level of civil rights for ’s announcement gave an immediate jolt to the s-long movement for gay equaly at a moment when a growg number of stat are movg to ban — or legalize — same-sex unns and as polls show a majory of Amerins support marriage rights.

"Voters Mae and Maryland approved same-sex marriage on a day of electn rults that jubilant gay rights advot lled a historic turng pot, the first time that marriage for gay men and lbians has been approved at the ballot Mnota, another first, voters rejected a proposal to amend the State Constutn to fe marriage as between a man and a woman, a measure that has been enshred the nstutns of 30 stat.

HOW TO INTRODUCE A MARRIED GAY COUPLE

""Washgton state has approved gay marriage, jog Mae and Maryland as the first stat to pass same-sex marriage by popular about three-quarters of the expected ballots unted Thursday, Referendum 74 was matag s lead of 52 percent. "The Pentagon announced Monday that would extend 20 new benefs to same-sex ary upl, cludg accs to base facili and groups as well as jot assignments, the latt move by the Obama admistratn to heed lls om gay and lbians prsg for change.

"The Supreme Court stck down a key part of the feral Defense of Marriage Act on Wednday and clared that same-sex upl who are legally married serve equal rights to the benefs unr feral law that go to all other married cisn is a landmark w for the gay rights movement.

GAY MARRIAGE TIMELE

It voids a sectn of the law known as DOMA, which was adopted wh bipartisan support Congrs 1996 to ny all benefs and regnn to same-sex that time, no state permted gays and lbians to marry. Dissentg were Jtic John Roberts, Anton Slia, Samuel Alo and Clarence lg means that more than 100, 000 gay and lbian upl who are legally married will be able to take advantage of tax breaks, pensn rights and other benefs that are available to other married upl.

"The Supreme Court has dismissed an appeal over same-sex marriage on jurisdictnal grounds, lg Wednday private parti do not have 'standg' to fend California's voter-approved ballot measure barrg gay and lbian upl om state-sanctned lg clears the way for same-sex marriag California to 5-4 cisn avoids, for now, a sweepg ncln on whether same-sex marriage is a nstutnal 'equal protectn' right that would apply to all issue was whether the Constutn's guarantee of equal protectn unr the law prevents stat om fg marriage to exclu same-sex upl, and whether a state n revoke same-sex marriage through referendum, as California did, once already has been a majory of the Supreme Court opted not to le on those issu. "All legally married same-sex upl will be regnized for feral tax purpos no matter what state they live , the Internal Revenue Service and the Treasury Department announced Thursday a change that will affect numero upl stat that have not permted gay change policy follows the Supreme Court's cisn June overturng a key provisn of the Defense of Marriage Act that barred the feral ernment om regnizg same-sex marriag for purpos such as surance benefs, immigratn and tax new approach 'provis accs to benefs, rponsibili and protectns unr feral tax law that all Amerins serve, ' Treasury Secretary Jab J. "A tough ban on same-sex relatnships that threatens vlators wh 14-year prison terms has been quietly signed to law by the print of Nigeria, Ai’s most populo natn, a step that rights advot have long feared not only as a reprsn aimed at gays but as an afont to basic eedoms of speech and ban, known as the Same Sex Marriage Prohibn Act, was passed by Parliament May but was not signed by the print, Goodluck Jonathan, until Jan.

7, Nigerian news agenci reported Monday om Abuja, the the Nigerian law, is illegal not only to engage an timate relatnship wh a member of the same sex, but to attend or anize a meetg of gays, or patronize or operate any type of gay anizatn, cludg private clubs. Tom Corbett announced on cisn, announced emails to reporters, means that Pennsylvania will ntue to be the 19th state the natn, along wh the District of Columbia, to legalize gay marriage. "The Prbyterian Church (USA) voted Thursday (June 19) to allow gay and lbian weddgs wh the church, makg among the largt Christian nomatns to take an embracg step toward same-sex a 76-24 percent vote, the General Assembly of the 1.

FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY

"The Uned Natns announced Monday [July 7, 2014]  would regnize the gay marriag of all s staffers, a major policy shift that opens the door for the spo of homosexual employe to enjoy the same benefs as the hbands and wiv of their heterosexual lleagu.

Supreme Court on Monday cled to ci once and for all whether stat n ban gay marriage, a surprise move that will allow gay men and women to marry five stat where same-sex weddgs were prevly rejectg appeals s volvg Virgia, Oklahoma, Utah, Wisns and Indiana, the urt left tact lower-urt lgs that had stck down the bans those stat. But the high urt's actn means there will be no imment natnal lg on the issue, wh ligatn stat where gay marriage is still banned likely to stat unr the jurisdictn of appeals urts that have stck down the bans will also be affected by the Supreme Court's cisn, meang the number of stat wh gay marriage is likely to quickly jump om 19 to 30.

"A feral appeals urt panel upheld bans on same-sex marriage four stat Thursday, a break wh other feral urts that mak almost certa the Supreme Court mt take up the issue of whether gay upl have a nstutnal right to cisn overturned lower-urt lgs Michigan, Oh, Tennsee and Kentucky and mak the 6th Circu the first appeals urt to uphold state bans sce the Supreme Court stck down part of the feral Defense of Marriage Act 2013. Supreme Court cleared Kansas to bee the 33rd state wh same-sex marriage, turng away a bid by state officials who sought to stop the weddgs while a legal fight plays ’s rebuff, which me whout explanatn, tracks siar Supreme Court orrs that let gay marriage start Idaho and Alaska recent weeks. That, upled wh his earlier judicial opns, gave gay rights advot reason for optimism by the end of the arguments, which lasted two and a half jtic appeared to clash over not only what is the right answer the se but also over how to reach .