Society now accepts gay men as equals. So why on earth do so many ntue to behave like teenagers? | Simon Fanshawe | The Guardian

Contents:

• GAY CULTURE HAS GROWN TOXIC WH UNCHECKED PRIVILEGE. IT'S TIME FOR TO RET
• CLIFF BOSTOCK: GAY OBSSN WH YOUTH GROWS MORE TENSE
• WHY ARE GAY MEN SO OBSSED WH YOUTH?
• RUPERT EVERETT HAT 'GAY OBSSN WTH YOUTH'
• EDUTG GAY MALE YOUTH: SCE WHEN IS PORNOGRAPHY A PATH TOWARDS SELF-RPECT?
• "DON'T SAY GAY" ISN'T ABOUT "GROOMG" — IT'S ABOUT REACTNARY HOMOPHOBIA
• SOCIETY NOW ACCEPTS GAY MEN AS EQUALS. SO WHY ON EARTH DO SO MANY NTUE TO BEHAVE LIKE TEENAGERS?
• AGG THE YOUTH-OBSSED GAY CULTURE

GAY CULTURE HAS GROWN TOXIC WH UNCHECKED PRIVILEGE. IT'S TIME FOR TO RET

In my practice, I sometim enunter men who are so obssively worried they may be gay or bisexual that tak up such a signifint amount of their daily life and thoughts and them nearly cripplg anxiety.

Sometim they tly are gay or bisexual, and sometim not at all. ” He may worry that he appears to be gay if cross his legs at the knee like a woman when stg down rather than havg the typil “man spread. Like those wh Obssive-Compulsive Disorr (OCD), he may exhib the same kd of repet behavrs, such as stg and standg over and over aga to see if they may appear gay the way he do .

This may sound like ’s a set-up for a joke, or an ongog lgh le a s, but is a real disorr that some have labeled as Homosexual Obssive-Compulsive Disorr (HOCD), though the Diagnostic and Statistil Manual of Mental Disorrs, the “bible” of psychiatry, has yet to regnize . HOCD n sudnly occur for some men who, for example, fd themselv beg h on by other gay or bisexual men, mistaken for beg a gay or bisexual man, fd themselv attracted to another man or stumble onto gay porn that exc them. They will often blame the thgs as reasons for how the HOCD started, but isn’t about homosexualy nor bisexualy, is about OCD.

CLIFF BOSTOCK: GAY OBSSN WH YOUTH GROWS MORE TENSE

In my own clil experience workg wh the men, those who suffer om this may fd themselv obssively lookg at porn, eher gay or straight, to see if they bee sexually exced by eher. They might nstantly check out others’ reactns to their gtur or nversatn to see if they get any strange looks or other signals that would imply homophobia.

They sometim will go to extreme lengths, such as havg sex wh men even though they are not gay or bisexual, which typilly leav them feelg unsatisfied and unfortable.

Even though they have not been able to nfirm by their pulsive experimentatn that they are, ed, gay, they may even ask me to help them e out as gay or bisexual jt to end the sufferg. Four Qutns I Use to Distguish Gay, Bisexual and Straight Men.

WHY ARE GAY MEN SO OBSSED WH YOUTH?

I am a specialist sexual orientatn and relatnships and not traed to al wh OCD, so I first mt set out to terme if they are simply closeted gay or bisexual men, or if there is somethg else gog on. How do you feel about gay people?

Closeted gay men are often vilently anti-gay, whereas HOCD men are not. They may even say to me, “If I’m gay, okay. Tly gay men jt say that they’re annoyed that women keep gettg their le of sight.

RUPERT EVERETT HAT 'GAY OBSSN WTH YOUTH'

” Gay men variably say a man. Influenced by the heated atmosphere around sexual polics nowadays, and even the amount of media verage around LGBTQ issu, some gays argue that the g-out procs they went through much of the same nfn, and therefore believe that the HOCD person is simply experiencg the same thg. Theirs is a particular kd of trouble, one that will not be rolved by “g out of the closet” bee they tly are not gay or bisexual.

There are some clil therapists, such as Monni Williams, thor of Homosexual Anxiety: A Misunrstood Form of OCD Leadg Health Edutn Issu, who may help brg more a ser nversatn of this disorr to the theraptic world. But even though the nversatns that muted this lumn for six weeks are nowhere close to beg over, I do feel like some thgs that me up durg that time of ntemplatn are worth sayg now — particularly to my fellow whe gay cis out more stori on LGBTQ+ ins and activistsHowever, the ghost of Larry Kramer very much remaed my own head as I ma my way through a Pri month unlike any other.

EDUTG GAY MALE YOUTH: SCE WHEN IS PORNOGRAPHY A PATH TOWARDS SELF-RPECT?

I spent a few quiet afternoons readg his 1978 but novel Faggots, a satiril (yet clearly tobgraphil) look at the liv of gay men 1970s New York Cy that he wrote jt before AIDS ma him a figurehead of Amerin activism. Followg a man his late 30s (based on Kramer himself) who is seekg out a lovg, long-term relatnship a sea of hedonism, the novel has a clear msage: gay men need to start lovg each other stead of beg so obssed wh gettg fucked up and (lerally and figuratively) fuckg each other. - Larry Kramer his but novelUpon publitn, Faggots was dismissed by many as puranil and self-loathg for s cricism of gay men's obssn wh vany, promiscuy and recreatnal dg e.

And while, on one level, the book is a wild (if at tim problematic) wdow to an era of gay culture 40 years the past, also felt like had a lot to say about gay culture today. What even do mean to say "gay culture"? In mastream gay media, the phrase almost always refers to a fairly specific subset of the LGBTQ "muny" largely ma up of whe gay cis men — even though many of the battl won around queer rights were fought by people of lour, trans and genr-nonnformg folks, and queer women, and fact the morn Pri movement self was large part iated by Black trans women.

If an imprsn of a monolhic "gay culture" fed by such a homogeneo mographic exists, is bee whe gay cis men have until very recently domated mastream reprentatn unr the LGBTQ umbrella and have, general, been hand a level of privilege the last that is wildly disproportnate to any other mographic unr said umbrella. (Prophetilly enough, Fire Island is where the climax of Faggots — Kramer's exriatn of "gay culture" — tak place. The panmic sentially shut down all of social gay culture, relievg me of prsur to participate .

"DON'T SAY GAY" ISN'T ABOUT "GROOMG" — IT'S ABOUT REACTNARY HOMOPHOBIA

Gay bars were shuttered and, unls you were beg a horribly irrponsible person, Grdr was no more.

When was the last time I actually had a good time at gay bar full of people I have fely spoken to on social media or apps but who act like I'm pletely sane when I se or say hello person?

SOCIETY NOW ACCEPTS GAY MEN AS EQUALS. SO WHY ON EARTH DO SO MANY NTUE TO BEHAVE LIKE TEENAGERS?

In analyzg the show's pictn of young gay men livg San Francis, wrer Daniel Wenger diagnos what he terms the "new gay sadns": an entire generatn of urban, privileged gay men who seem to have no clue what they're lookg for or who they are.

AGG THE YOUTH-OBSSED GAY CULTURE

Largely born the 1980s, they are the earlit wave of a "post-Stonewall, post-plague, post-activist" generatn of gays — "too old to have brought a boy to the prom and too young to have nursed a fantasy of nng away to an urban gay utopia, " Wenger explas.

"Gay culture" should learn the same lson: "back to normal" is not enough. Queeri5 pneerg LGBTQ Canadian films you n watch for ee right nowI've seen many of my fellow whe gay cis men seemgly rise to the ocsn by retweetg Black and Indigeno voic, gog to ralli and vowg to te themselv on how to tly be anti-racist (though how performative that is some s is unclear). Which of the gays do you want to be?

Rettg "gay culture" will require fightg back agast entrenched social prsur and expectatns of gay cis men — and llg them out when they perpetuate, even passively, any form of discrimatory dialogue.