The Washgton Post</tle><path d="M39.2 32v36.6c4.7-2.8 7-6.8 8.7-12.1l1.2.6c-1.1 13.2-10.3 26-24.3 26S0 72.6 0 55.8C0 43 7.7 35.1 18.7 28.2a16.11 16.11 0 00-4.4-.6c-7.2 0-11.4 4.9-11.4 9.9H1.5a14.77 14.77 0 01-.1-2.1c0-9.3 5.5-19.7 16.9-19.7 7.3 0 12.9 6.7 21.4 6.7 4.3 0 6.7-1.6 8.4-5.3h1.2c-.1 6.5-2 12.8-10.1 14.9zm-19-3.3C15.1 34 10.1 39.6 10.1 50.9c0 6.2 1.9 12.4 6.6 16.4l3.1-1.7V40.3L16.6 42l-1-1.6 15-8.4c-3.8-.8-6.9-2.3-10.4-3.3zm17.1 3.7a17 17 0 01-2.3.1 17.52 17.52 0 01-4-.4v29.5l-12.8 7a15.57 15.57 0 009.9 3 22.58 22.58 0 009.2-2zm44 9.2v34.3c0 9.6-8.51 16.11-18 18l-.6-1c4.7-2.3 7.8-6.41 7.8-11.41V45.7l-4.9-4.5-2.6 2.6v27.1l3 2.8v.4l-8.1 8.61-9.3-8.51v-.4l3.6-3.8V25.8l10.6-11.3.2.1v26.6l8.7-9.2 8.7 7.9 2.7-2.6 1.31 1.3zM97.91 62v4.5l9 7.1 7-7.3 1.3 1.3L101 82.8 88.21 72.6l-2.8 2.8-1.2-1.3 3.1-3.2V45.8l18.9-13.8 10.5 16.3zm.2-22.6l-.2.1v20.1l8.7-6.4zM180 82.71l-13.9-12-10.6 12-14.4-12.41V50.7h-2.8a3.89 3.89 0 00-4.1 3.5h-1a15.87 15.87 0 01-.5-3.8c0-2.6 1.1-9.4 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love</span></h1></div><div class="flex prt-byle prt-mt-none"><div class="byle-wrapper flex-lumn flex"><div class="PJLV PJLV-ihSmMVC-css"><div class="PJLV PJLV-iPJLV-css mb-xxs overriStyl" style="gap:0.5rem" data-qa="thor-byle"><span class="wpds-c-PJLV"><div class="flex ems-center" data-qa="thor-byle"><div class="mr-sm flex lh-0"><div class="wpds-c-iTcer"><img src=" alt="" class="wpds-c-dgBqAZ"/></div></div><span class="left"><div class="flex"><div class="dib font-xxs mb-xxs" data-qa="name-wh-optnal-lk" data-cy="name-wh-optnal-lk"><span data-qa="attributn-text" class="wpds-c-cNdzuP">Perspective by <!-- --> </span><span data-qa="thor-name" rel="thor" class="wpds-c-cNdzuP wpds-c-cNdzuP-cIdiJW-isLk-false">Jamal Jordan</span></div></div><span class="wpds-c-ewNrgJ thor-scriptn" data-qa="thor-scriptn">Author and photographer</span></span></div></span></div></div><div data-ttid="timtamp" class="wpds-c-kgabfe wpds-c-kgabfe-ieEDlgV-css"><span data-ttid="display-date" class="wpds-c-iKQyrV">September 24, 2021 at 6:00 a.m. EDT</span></div></div></div></hear></div><article class="grid-article mb-xxl-ns" data-qa="ma"><div data-ttid="le-art" data-qa="le-art" class=""><figure class="overflow-hidn relative hi-for-prt center center mb-sm mb-md-ns ml-to-ns mr-to-ns grid-mobile-full-bleed"><div style="filter:blur(10px);transn:filter .1s;le-height:0" class="w-100 mw-100 h-to" width="600" height="441"><img style="background-size:ver;max-width:1600px;background-image:url('data:image/svg+xml;charset=utf-8,%3Csvg xmlns='http%3A//; xmlns%3Axlk='http%3A//; viewBox='0 0 1280 853'%3E%3Cfilter id='b' lor-terpolatn-filters='sRGB'%3E%3CfeGssianBlur stdDeviatn='.5'%3E%3C/feGssianBlur%3E%3CfeComponentTransfer%3E%3CfeFuncA type='discrete' tableValu='1 1'%3E%3C/feFuncA%3E%3C/feComponentTransfer%3E%3C/filter%3E%3Cimage filter='url(%23b)' x='0' y='0' height='100%25' width='100%25' xlk%3Ahref='data%3Aimage/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAAAkAAAAGCAIAAACepSOSAAAACXBIWXMAAC4jAAAuIwF4pT92AAAAs0lEQVQI1wGoAFf/AImSoJSer5yjs52ktp2luJuluKOpuJefsoCNowB+kKaOm66grL+krsCnsMGrt8m1u8mzt8OVoLIAhJqzjZ2tnLLLnLHJp7fNmpyjqbPCqLrRjqO7AIeUn5ultaWtt56msaSnroZyY4mBgLq7wY6TmwCRfk2Pf1uzm2WulV+xmV6rmGyQfFm3nWSBcEIAfm46jX1FkH5Djn5AmodGo49MopBLlIRBfG8yj/dfjF5TUAAAAASUVORK5CYII='%3E%3C/image%3E%3C/svg%3E')" alt="" class="w-100 mw-100 h-to" width="600" height="441" srcSet=" 400w, 540w, 691w, 767w, 916w, 1200w" siz="(max-width: 440px) 440px,(max-width: 600px) 691px,(max-width: 768px) 691px,(m-width: 769px) and (max-width: 1023px) 960px,(m-width: 1024px) and (max-width: 1299px) 530px,(m-width: 1300px) and (max-width: 1439px) 691px,(m-width: 1440px) 916px,440px" dg="async"/></div><figptn class="ml-gutter mr-gutter mr-to-ns ml-to-ns font--subhead font-xxxs mt-xs left gray-dark">Mike Petross, left, and Phil Pugh hold hands outsi of their home Detro on June 22. (Jamal Jordan/For The Washgton Post)</figptn></figure></div><div class="grid-body"><div class="wpds-c-PJLV wpds-c-PJLV-hSmMVC-isLive-false"><div class="wpds-c-jUMcim wpds-c-jUMcim-ibVGacg-css hi-for-prt mb-sm"><div class="PJLV PJLV-ieDMgMI-css flex ems-center" nfig="[object Object]" data-qa="article-actns"><div class="wpds-c-mfMEg"><div class="wpds-c-kSOqLF wpds-c-hnjNCH wpds-c-kSOqLF-bywHgD-variant-primary wpds-c-kSOqLF-biynoz-nsy-pact wpds-c-kSOqLF-hZSyid-isOutle-te wpds-c-kSOqLF-ejCoEP-in-left wpds-c-kSOqLF-futx-cv wpds-c-hnjNCH-eNNUQD-cv wpds-c-hnjNCH-jGqLyO-cv"><div id="gift-share" data-ttid="gift-share" class="PJLV PJLV-ieGzigK-css hi-for-prt"><button aria-haspopup="dialog" aria-expand="false" aria-ntrols="gift-share-drawer" role="button" tabx="0" aria-label="Share this article" id="gift-share-drawer-ntrol" data-ttid="gift-share-drawer-ntrol" class="wpds-c-PJLV wpds-c-gsmDXe wpds-c-gsmDXe-dTGBTO-placement-ActnBar foc-highlight"><svg xmlns=" fill="currentColor" viewBox="0 0 16 16" class="wpds-c-fBqPWp wpds-c-fBqPWp-idCxsxc-css " aria-hidn="te" focable="false" role="img"><path fill="currentColor" d="M8 .6v3.8h.1c-4.4 0-7.3 4.5-6.9 8.8.1.8.2 1.2.2 1.2l.2 1 .4-1.3c.8-2 2-4 6.2-3.9H8v4l7-6.9L8 .6Zm1 11.3V9.3h-.9c-3 0-4.8.5-6.2 2.9.5-3.3 2.7-6.8 6.2-6.8H9V3l4.5 4.4L9 11.9Z"></path></svg></button></div><span aria-hidn="te" class="wpds-c-fBEbFG">Share</span></div></div><div class="wpds-c-mfMEg"><div class="wpds-c-kSOqLF wpds-c-hnjNCH wpds-c-kSOqLF-bywHgD-variant-primary wpds-c-kSOqLF-biynoz-nsy-pact wpds-c-kSOqLF-hZSyid-isOutle-te wpds-c-kSOqLF-ejCoEP-in-left wpds-c-kSOqLF-futx-cv wpds-c-hnjNCH-eNNUQD-cv wpds-c-hnjNCH-jGqLyO-cv"><button aria-label="Comment" class="wpds-c-gPbxFP"><svg xmlns=" viewBox="0 0 16 16" fill="var(--wpds-lors-primary)" aria-hidn="te" focable="false" role="img" class="wpds-c-kKAfCG wpds-c-efqEZa flex ems-center jtify-center brad-lg poter transn-400 ease--out transn-lors" aria-label="Comment on this story"><tle>Comment on this story</tle><path d="M14 14V2H2v9.47h8.18L12.43 13ZM3 10.52V3h10v9.23l-2.5-1.66Z"></path></svg></button><span aria-hidn="te" class="wpds-c-fBEbFG">Comment</span><span class="wpds-c-fOvfhP wpds-c-fOvfhP-kshkDy-isCommentType-te none" aria-hidn="te"><span class="ment-unt font-xxxxs sc-ral-unt"><span></span></span></span></div></div></div></div></div><div class="teaser-ntent grid-center"><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null"><a href="><i>About US</i></a><i> is a fom to explore issu of race and inty the Uned Stat. </i><a href="><i>Sign up for the newsletter</i></a><i>.</i></p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">The ia of growg old as a gay man ed to terrify me. I simply had no ncept of what longevy looked like for gay Black men.</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div class="db dn-ns mr-neg-gutter ml-neg-gutter mb-md hi-for-prt" data-qa="subscribe-promo"><div data-orientatn="horizontal" role="separator" class="wpds-c-dbVHzF wpds-c-dbVHzF-hDkAcj-variant-flt"></div><a class="pt-sm pb-sm flex ems-center bold font-xxxs font-xxs-ns jtify-center" href=" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" style="lor:#166dfc;borr:none"><svg class="ntent-box" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" xmlns=" aria-hidn="te" focable="false" role="img"><tle>Wp</tle><path d="M11.055 8.728l-1.018-1.019-.782.782v6.292l1.782 1.564.018-.019v-7.6zm-4.11.236L5.674 7.71l-.836.855v6.237l1.545 1.327.564-.636V8.964zm2.656 9.074l-2.528-2.182-1.927 2.182-2.619-2.255v-3.564h-.509c-.454 0-.672.273-.745.636H1.09a2.89 2.89 0 0 1-.091-.69c0-.473.2-1.71 1.527-1.71V7.691c0-1.073-.709-1.127-.709-2.054 0-1.037.982-2 2.782-2.637l.164.145c-.6.291-1.09.655-1.09 1.437 0 1.2 1.163.89 1.163 2.782v.727l2.127-2.236 2.237 2.2 2.109-2.2 2.036 2v6.728l-3.745 3.455zm11.108-9.625l-1.073-.982-.964 1.018v6.6c.855.11 1.491.4 2.019.964l.018-.018V8.413zm-2.382.418l-.528.545v10.237l.528.492V8.83zm1.49 9.055c-.308-.382-.69-.709-1.145-.836v3.782l-.036.018-1-.927-2.11 1.945-.036-.018V16.96c-.636.145-1.327.545-1.854 1.2l-.146-.091c.127-1.4.818-2.436 2-2.837v-3.545h-.382c-.527 0-.89.363-.963.763h-.219c-.054-.145-.127-.381-.127-.836 0-.891.6-1.564 1.582-1.564h.11V8.085l-.655-.582-.51.51-.254-.237 2.018-2.073 1.71 1.564V9.05l.527-.564v-2.09h.345v1.727l2.273-2.419L23 7.576v7.91l-3.182 2.4z" fill-le="evenodd"></path></svg><span class="mr-xs ml-xs gray-darkt flex ems-center">Get the full experience.<span class="ml-xs subs-theme blue">Choose your plan</span></span><svg class="ntent-box" width="16" height="16" viewBox="0 0 16 16" xmlns=" style="fill:#166dfc" aria-hidn="te" focable="false" role="img"><tle>ArrowRight</tle><path d="M7.664 1.25l6 6a1 1 0 010 1.414l-6 6L6.25 13.25 10.499 9H2V7h8.585L6.25 2.664 7.664 1.25z" fill-le="nonzero"></path></svg></a><div data-orientatn="horizontal" role="separator" class="wpds-c-dbVHzF wpds-c-dbVHzF-hDkAcj-variant-flt"></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">My fear wasn’t irratnal. A look at statistics pats a bleak image: LGBTQ senrs<a href="> have worse mental and physil health out</a> than their straight and cisgenr unterparts, are more likely to avoid or lay health re, <a href=">have ls money saved for retirement,</a> <a href=">have a harr time fdg (and pay more for) retirement livg and nursg home re</a>, and as a rult of weaker “rmal support works” like iends, livg fay and children, LGBTQ senrs are <a href=">much more likely to suffer om lonels and social isolatn</a>.</p></div></div><div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb db dn-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-mobile"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-sm pt-sm pb-sm" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Wispread reprentatn of lbian, gay — and to a lser extent, bisexual and transgenr — people media have only recently bee anythg near “mastream.” And for much of my life, seemed that olr LGBTQ people <i>didn’t even exist. </i>It was nearly impossible to fd imag of them, pecially olr LGBTQ people of lor, and particularly imag of health, love and joy.</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb dn db-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-sktop"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-none pt-lg pb-lg" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"><div>Advertisement</div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Until I met Mike and Phil.</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Phil Pugh and Mike Petross, thrivg at 79 and 75, rpectively, serve as strong mols for younger queer people.</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">“We jt want to let young gay people know that they n have somethg to look forward to when they get old,” Phil said to me on the send-floor ck of their Amerin Foursquare on Detro’s Wt si, one of the greatt pris of their 50-year relatnship. “We’ve seen so many people kill themselv — wh liquor, wh dgs, wh sex — bee they thought they didn’t have anythg to live for.”</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">“Here we are!” Mike exclaims, sudnly, between puffs of his jot, “Two old Black queens!”</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div data-qa="article-image" class="hi-for-prt"><div style="m-height:358px"></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Phil smirked as he watched Mike llapse his chair, lghg at his own joke, and as we settled to a lm stillns, we began to reunt how much life has changed sce our last nversatn, on this same pat, two years ago.</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb dn db-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-sktop"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-none pt-lg pb-lg" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"><div>Advertisement</div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb db dn-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-mobile"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-sm pt-sm pb-sm" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">I first met Mike and Phil 2019 while reportg my book, “<a href=" target=_blank>Queer Love Color</a>.” We were troduced by Curtis Lipsb, the executive director of LGBT Detro (also featured the book), who, hearg me lament the arth of olr gay men my life, sisted that I meet this uple. He scribed them as “val” to the cy’s gay Black muny, and was easy for me to unrstand why: I spent my teen years Detro. I me out of the closet there. And for so many years, I uld never image myself growg old, beg healthy, love and happy this cy, like Mike and Phil. It would’ve changed my life to meet someone like them when I was younger.</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">After our first meetg, I posted <a href=">a snippet of their story and a portra</a> to Twter, where went viral (and still pops up random posts om time to time). Among the tens of thoands of lik and retweets, I was most stck by the ments om younger people, the people who told me that they had never seen a versn of love like this before.</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Now, as I’m explag how Twter works and how many lik they got, Phil looks at me tently, somewhat nfed, but beamg: “That’s all I’ve wanted my life,” he says. “We’ve dited our liv to makg sure younger gay Black people know that they n grow old, and that they’ll have somethg to live for.”</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div data-qa="article-image" class="hi-for-prt"><div style="m-height:358px"></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">--</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb dn db-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-sktop"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-none pt-lg pb-lg" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"><div>Advertisement</div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb db dn-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-mobile"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-sm pt-sm pb-sm" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Mike and Phil first met at church — the Shre of the Black Madonna, on Detro’s East Si — on Easter Sunday 1961.</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">“I wore my hot red pants,” Mike says, lghg mischievoly.</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">“Y, he did,” Phil nfirmed. “The Lord knew he need help. I was sent as his guardian angel. He was beg too wild, but I’m glad I was there to lm him down.”</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div id="gift-share-le" data-ttid="gift-share-le" class="PJLV PJLV-ilotWTr-css hi-for-prt"><button aria-haspopup="dialog" aria-expand="false" aria-ntrols="gift-share-drawer" role="button" tabx="0" aria-label="Share this article" id="gift-share-drawer-ntrol-le" data-ttid="gift-share-drawer-ntrol-le" class="wpds-c-PJLV wpds-c-gsmDXe wpds-c-gsmDXe-goNocI-placement-Inle foc-highlight"><div data-ttid="gift-share-terstial-trigger" class="wpds-c-kPqOkS wpds-c-kPqOkS-jtSXsT-hasSubsText-false"><span class="wpds-c-hBJqc"><span class="wpds-c-dzSncg">Share this article</span></span><span class="wpds-c-eCvK"><span class="wpds-c-enedHQ wpds-c-enedHQ-cCdK-isShown-false">Share</span><svg xmlns=" fill="currentColor" viewBox="0 0 16 16" aria-hidn="te" focable="false" role="img" class="wpds-c-fBqPWp wpds-c-fDHGth"><path fill="currentColor" d="M8 .6v3.8h.1c-4.4 0-7.3 4.5-6.9 8.8.1.8.2 1.2.2 1.2l.2 1 .4-1.3c.8-2 2-4 6.2-3.9H8v4l7-6.9L8 .6Zm1 11.3V9.3h-.9c-3 0-4.8.5-6.2 2.9.5-3.3 2.7-6.8 6.2-6.8H9V3l4.5 4.4L9 11.9Z"></path></svg></span></div></button></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">It was, for both of them, the first day wh a new ngregatn. Mike had recently moved to the cy and was lookg for muny. Phil had lived Detro all his life and was gog to church bee he loved and always had. Before that day, however, their liv uld not have been more different.</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">“First of all, I’ve been out my whole life,” Phil says, reuntg his upbrgg. He had a gay uncle that his entire fay “held up on a pestal,” so he knew om a young age that beg gay was accepted his fay. “The few tim anyone ever ma fun of me, rarely impacted me, bee beg gay was affirmed by the people my life who meant the most to me.”</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">In high school, his bt iend was a football player and drag queen. “He uld n through you like nothg,” Phil says. So he didn’t enunter too much trouble his teenage years. “People gave me s---, but people will always give you s---. What I learned, om a very early age, is that you have to be strong who you are, what you are and what you thk you want to be.”</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div data-qa="article-image" class="hi-for-prt"><div style="m-height:358px"></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Mike let out a sigh, and for the first time sce I’d met him, he wasn’t sg. He don’t want to spend too much time on his backstory and offers me only the followg: “I grew up Flt, Michigan, a homophobic cy, was reprsed. Then I moved to Detro ’61, and I was heaven ... I loved .”</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb dn db-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-sktop"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-none pt-lg pb-lg" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"><div>Advertisement</div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb db dn-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-mobile"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-sm pt-sm pb-sm" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">On that Easter morng 1961, Mike was 21 and livg his grandmother’s hoe, while Phil was 25 and the last days of a 10-year relatnship. (Phil was not clear about why this relatnship end, but Mike took this as an opportuny to suggt, “the red pants? They worked.”)</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Soon after meetg, they moved together.</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">The next was a whirlwd. Bored wh his admistrative job at the Chrysler Foundatn, a particularly chy gig for a Black man 1960s Detro, Phil cid to qu. Wh their newfound eedom, they eventually end up rentg a farmhoe. “Eighty-five acr of land,” Mike rells. “Nety dollars a month. And we stayed there for 10 years.”</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb db dn-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-mobile"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-sm pt-sm pb-sm" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">On my send vis to their home, Mike led me to a woon cht their basement, and pulled out multiple photo albums filled wh Polaroids om that time on the farm. Later, over a dner of spaghetti, ied tfish and red we, the pair walked me through pag and pag of imag featurg their fay and iends, the Ao-crowned and bell-bottom-clad visors to what they lled their “sanctuary outsi of Detro.” Their on the farm, livg on unemployment surance, and then later their e om odd jobs, cemented a muny-buildg drive the men that never went away.</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">I asked the men about the bt tim of their liv, and, whout psg, Mike exclaimed: “We ed to own a bs!” Through the ’70s and ’80s, the uple owned a “New Amerin-style” rtrant lled the Oakland Exprs — and for a while, an adjacent antique shop — Detro.</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div data-qa="article-image" class="hi-for-prt"><div style="m-height:358px"></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">“We were a bougie rtrant the middle of the hood,” Phil rells, crackg up at the ntrastg image. “But we lasted for 10 years.”</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb dn db-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-sktop"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-none pt-lg pb-lg" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"><div>Advertisement</div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb db dn-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-mobile"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-sm pt-sm pb-sm" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Wh Phil as the chef and Mike as the host/waer/people person, they tried to make their rtrant feel like a neighborhood hub. The tablishment soon beme a popular spot for churchgoers, who wanted to hang out a welg space that wasn’t a bar.</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">There is one set of patrons, however, whose memory hnts the uple to this day: In the weeks after they first went to bs the 1980s, a group of eight gay teenagers me to the rtrant every Sunday. But after a while the iends eventually stopped showg up. Months later, Phil ran to one of the young men while grocery shoppg and disvered why. “They went to one particular church Detro and one day the mister had sgled that group out,” he says. “He talked about them so badly the church, sayg horrible thgs about homosexualy. One of them end up mtg suici two weeks later.”</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">The group of iends started to drift apart soon after.</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb dn db-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-sktop"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-none pt-lg pb-lg" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"><div>Advertisement</div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div class="cb db dn-ns" data-qa="article-body-ad" data-ttid="article-body-ad-mobile"><div aria-hidn="te" class="hi-for-prt relative flex jtify-center ntent-box ems-center b bh mb-md mt-sm pt-sm pb-sm" style="m-height:250px;borr-top-lor:;borr-bottom-lor:"><div class="center absolute w-100 borr-box" style="top:"><div class="dib gray-dark pl-xs pr-xs font-sans-serif light font-xxxxs lh-md" style="--primary-borr-lor:"></div></div><div data-ttid="placeholr-box" class="w-100 h-100 absolute flex flex-lumn jtify-center borr-box bg-offwhe" style="width:300px;height:250px"><div class="flex flex-lumn jtify-center font-sans-serif center font-xxs light gray-dark lh-md"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">This moment provid a lson that has bee a guidg prciple for Mike and Phil as they’ve settled to old age: “More of olr gays need to talk to younger people like you,” Phil tells me. “There’s no one around to teach about love. To teach about health. To offer support. We need to do that for each other.”</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">Settled to retirement, the gentlemen dite much of their time to volunteerg, workg wh anizatns like <a href=">LGBT Detro</a> to help build a more equable future for young queer Black people the cy. And, as their neighborhood rapidly chang around them, they ntue to pour love to their home, still obssg over the layout of the wicker furnure set on the ck, or the ntrast of a bright red wall and a tufted, cream-lored len sofa their sun room.</p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><p data-ttid="drop-p-letter" data-el="text" class="wpds-c-cYdRxM wpds-c-cYdRxM-iPJLV-css overriStyl font-py" dir="null">It’s been years sce I first ma photos wh Mike and Phil, but I still revis my early imag of them om time to time, an artifact om the day that I met my first olr gay Black uple. The power of media to shape how we view ourselv and what is possible for our future is well-studied and documented, but I still feel an explible joy, a profound sense of relief, to be able to s wh Mike and Phil, watchg them love and support each other after 50 years, and thk, <i>One day, that uld be me.</i></p></div><div class="article-body" data-qa="article-body"><div data-qa="article-image" class="hi-for-prt"><div style="m-height:358px"></div></div></div><div class="wpds-c-jkoBlc wpds-c-jkoBlc-leHWbT-removeAllStyl-te"><div class="wpds-c-dhzjXW wpds-c-dhzjXW-iPJLV-css overriStyl mt-md tt"><div id="gift-share-end" data-ttid="gift-share-end" class="PJLV PJLV-idiqKOk-css hi-for-prt"><button aria-haspopup="dialog" aria-expand="false" aria-ntrols="gift-share-drawer" role="button" tabx="0" aria-label="Share this article" id="gift-share-drawer-ntrol-end" data-ttid="gift-share-drawer-ntrol-end" class="wpds-c-PJLV wpds-c-gsmDXe wpds-c-gsmDXe-iIVoLq-placement-Shortcut foc-highlight"><div class="wpds-c-UazGY" id="gift-share-shortcut" data-ttid="gift-share-shortcut"><svg xmlns=" fill="var(--wpds-lors-primary)" viewBox="0 0 16 16" aria-hidn="te" focable="false" role="img" class="wpds-c-fVfumU "><path fill="currentColor" d="M8 .6v3.8h.1c-4.4 0-7.3 4.5-6.9 8.8.1.8.2 1.2.2 1.2l.2 1 .4-1.3c.8-2 2-4 6.2-3.9H8v4l7-6.9L8 .6Zm1 11.3V9.3h-.9c-3 0-4.8.5-6.2 2.9.5-3.3 2.7-6.8 6.2-6.8H9V3l4.5 4.4L9 11.9Z"></path></svg><div class="PJLV wpds-c-kwcHlj">Share</div></div></button></div><div class="wpds-c-hcekgi"><div class="mb-lg-mod" data-qa="ments-btn-div"><button aria-label="Scroll to the ments sectn" data-qa="ments-btn" class="wpds-c-kSOqLF wpds-c-kSOqLF-SQjOY-variant-sendary wpds-c-kSOqLF-eHdizY-nsy-flt wpds-c-kSOqLF-ejCoEP-in-left wpds-c-kSOqLF-igqYgPb-css ments hi-for-prt"><svg xmlns=" viewBox="0 0 16 16" fill="currentColor" aria-hidn="te" focable="false" role="img" class="wpds-c-fBqPWp "><path d="M14 14V2H2v9.47h8.18L12.43 13ZM3 10.52V3h10v9.23l-2.5-1.66Z"></path></svg><span></span> Comments</button></div></div></div><div class="PJLV PJLV-iipsdti-css"><div></div></div><div class="PJLV PJLV-iipsdti-css"><div></div></div><sectn class="PJLV PJLV-icEohIP-css dn-ns hi-for-prt" data-ttid="mostRead" subscriptns-sectn="ntent"><div data-ttid="lazy-most-read-parent" class=""><div style="m-height:800px"></div></div></sectn><div class="PJLV PJLV-ickXkbz-css"><div data-qa="newsletter" class="hi-for-prt relative"><div class="dib w-100"><div><div class="flex jtify-center align self-center center transn-all duratn-400 ease--out" data-qa="sc-newsletter-signup" aria-label=""><svg aria-labelledby="react-aria-1-aria" role="img" viewBox="0 0 100 80"><tle id="react-aria-1-aria">Loadg...

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ad-height-hold"></div><ma id="ma-ntent" tabx="-1" class="BasePageMaContent-kFvAuh ewPCZH page__ma-ntent"><article class="article ma-ntent" lang="en-US"><div class="ArticlePageLeBackground-EufvU tFsh"><hear class="ContentHearWrapper-clujbs kaZCaf ntent-hear article__ntent-hear"><div data-ttid="ContentHearContaer" class="ContentHearContaer-cGKRbE knDxNq"><div class="ContentHearHedAccredatnWrapper-GFiQf cDNVlV"><div data-ttid="ContentHearTleBlockWrapper" class="ContentHearTleBlockWrapper-cjmSKp cCntXd"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubric" class="ContentHearRubricBlock-LmpbT eRFpQc"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubricDateBlock" class="ContentHearRubricDateBlock-kAQcZP fTFWxD"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kpuNXj bric ContentHearRubricContaer-eTudtt iRsSlw"><a class="RubricLk-gRWSOU fTtYjx bric__lk" href="/culture"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Culture</span></a></div></div></div><h1 data-ttid="ContentHearHed" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearHed-NCyCC iUEiRd jPOabC BjYFU">I Lost My Virgy to a Straight Boy</h1></div><div class="ContentHearAccredatn-lfctVB etVsnJ ntent-hear__accredatn" data-ttid="ContentHearAccredatn"><div class="ContentHearDek-bIqFFZ eASNBN">There’s a way to burst through the shame gay men are ma to feel about homosexualy.</div><div class="ContentHearByle-kmPyCa emiglw"><div class="ContentHearByleContent-dpPmNn DRFq"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl ContentHearByl-cZqgyJ bHLeKI"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH gtxxjM byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd dlWgVJ gnILss byle__preamble">By </span><a class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM ByleLk-gEnFiw iUEiRd fhQbnq dzFUnH eErqIx byle__name-lk button" href="/ntributor/alim-kheraj">Alim Kheraj</a></span></span></p></div><time data-ttid="ContentHearPublishDate" dateTime="2018-09-27T08:00:00-04:00" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearPublishDate-eIBicG iUEiRd ivrQAn cZpOSL">September 27, 2018</time></div></div><div class="SocialInsWrapper-hKMEXV ffgPVr social-ins social-ins--standard ContentHearAccredatnSocialIns-jorO fPzfaa ntent-hear__social-share"><ul data-ttid="socialInslist" class="SocialInsList-cHVTIA ivmblD social-ins__list"></ul></div></div></div><div class="ContentHearLeadAsset-hGbumP fEknXh lead-asset ContentHearLeadAssetWrapper-hfXHEc Grck lead-asset--width-fullbleed" data-ttid="ContentHearLeadAsset"><figure class="ContentHearLeadAssetContent-kOfYSG dRGWbI"><div class="ContentHearLeadAssetContentMedia-bLEIpi jjhWdS lead-asset__ntent__photo"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW jvZaPI rponsive-asset ContentHearRponsiveAsset-bREgIb hONbnm"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz ccdiSo"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa ContentHearRponsiveAsset-bREgIb hONbnm rponsive-image"><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w, 1920w, 2240w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="I Lost My Virgy to a Straight Boy" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></picture></div></div></span></div></figure></div></div><asi class="PersistentAsiWrapper-VGrR oEIBz persistent-asi persistent-asi--align-left" style="posn:absolute;top:to;height:to" data-ttid="PersistentAsiWrapper"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jNgrSF sticky-box ContentHearPersistentAsi-fsnAmQ dFzKzm"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="SocialInsWrapper-hKMEXV ffgPVr social-ins social-ins--has-background ContentHearSocialIns-jzJiyg ctaZl social-ins--share"><ul data-ttid="socialInslist" class="SocialInsList-cHVTIA ivmblD social-ins__list"></ul></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></asi></hear></div><div data-attribute-verso-pattern="article-body" class="ArticlePageContentBackGround-cNiFNN kJkLmH article-body__ntent"><div class="ArticlePageChunksContent-etcMtP eRxRjL"><div data-ttid="ArticlePageChunks" class="ArticlePageChunks-fLyCVG eOdfIs"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa edvONh body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>I was 19 when I first had full-on sex wh another man. I was at llege, livg dorms, and the experience—asi om the ual horrifyg awkwardns and somewhat spontaney of the ocsn—was pletely and utterly unremarkable asi om one thg: the guy I slept wh intified as straight.</p><p>The whole thg went down near the end of my hman year at a party, at which people om the whole dorm floor were dnk and celebratg, relsly streamg and out of each other’s rooms, followg the var different pop songs until one room took their fancy. I n remember, although I'd had some drks, stg alone my iend’s room on a sgle bed, the mattrs overly sprgy and wh a arse plastic atg, attemptg to stream a song over our dorm’s spotty Inter nnectn.</p><p>It was late (or early, pendg on your outlook on the world) when I was joed by the boy who was livg the room next to me, way back on the other si of the buildg. He was clearly toxited, but was a party after all and who was I, <em>que</em> dnk myself, to judge. The mutiae of exactly how thgs veloped om beg together that room to havg slightly unsuccsful sex a bathroom a <em>different</em> rridor have sce ped me. All I know is that one moment we were talkg and the next mute, well... we weren’t. I didn’t tell him that I’d never had sex wh someone before; stead, saturated wh vodka and flated by nerv, I was swept up the motns.</p><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><p>Before that night, I had hardly been a nun. When I was a teenager, I was prec and rtls. As the only out young gay kid at my school, I took the advancement of my sexual experienc to my own hands and I did what we all do: I bought a fake ID and h the gay clubs. Out on the scene I had thrillg and, now lookg back, prer hook ups wh guys, gog far but never all the way. I know now as LGBTQ people we n fe exactly what nstut sex for ourselv, but when you’re young and your only sex tn the shape of illegally download Sean Cody vios, peratn seems like the end all be all.</p><div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--article-mid-ntent" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--article-mid-ntent nsumer-marketg-un__slot---ntent"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><p>Still, as I grew to my late-teens, venu started to crack down harr on unrage drkg, and soon beme creasgly difficult to go and hook up wh guys much olr than myself. I felt, my creasgly anx and flated state, that I was beg left behd. My first year at llege, apart om beg gelg mentally, was hardly a sexual smasbord of one-night-stands and hook-ups. Instead, I reverted to my teenage years, pg after straight boys who I knew I had no chance hell wh... <em>until</em> that night.</p><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad---ntent"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot---ntent" data-no-id="tl32qe"></div></div><p>I’d love to say that I felt empowered by fuckg my first guy, but the whole experience left a lot to be sired. While I knew wouldn’t be like a gay llege eroti I’d read on (gay non, really), I rather naively wasn’t expectg the fall out. The boy told his then-girliend (who I knew about), sayg I had e on to him but that nothg had really happened. Although one thg I n <em>vividly</em> remember was that was que lerally the other way around, the visceral shock of beg somewhat shoved back the closet and nied the celebratory expungement of my virgy was palpable.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB kNleGZ sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="t6gwmg"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div data-ttid="RowWrapper" class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="pihbn7"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa edvONh body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>For the next year, we’d hook-up on and off, ually at 3 a.m. after we’d been out partyg. We’d meet surreptly dark and make out the ld Brish weather on a park bench before venturg back to his place to have sex. And while at the begng I felt like I had the upper hand the suatn—I was the one who was out and fortable my sexualy, right?—after each time we met beme more secretive and more dirty, I began to feel secretive, dirty, and most of all <em>shameful</em>. I’m not sure whether I really fell for the guy or not, but I do know that at the end of he was jt g me to get off.</p><p>I never learned whether the boy I lost my virgy to was stgglg wh his sexualy. I thk, when I look back now and ocsnally fd myself tumblg through his Facebook page, that he wasn’t. I believe was jt sex, or at least that’s what I have tell myself now to avoid slippg to a memory duced k-hole. I realize I fell to that old gay adage of placg my feelgs on a person who, for whatever reason, was never gog to vt them back me. Worst of all, though, the shame attached to the memori of those first tim marred how I would approach sex for years.</p><p>It was listeng to Years & Years’ new song “Sanctify,” and seeg the band’s out gay sger Olly Alexanr talk about how the song was spired his sexual trysts wh straight men, that I realized that the feelgs are <em>way</em> more mon than people let on. Sure, I know all about gay guys havg sex wh straight guys, but felt reassurg to see him scribe the “sat and sner role” he embodied durg those experienc, and to hear the uncertaty and melancholy weaved to the song.</p><p>More than anythg though, was the repeated lyril mantra of “I won’t be ashamed.” Bee as queer people, we’re buried lifetime’s worth of shame so vivid and searg that oftentim ’s cripplg. Burstg through that shame is our badge of honor, our betifully uned experience. And maybe, like the song says, that do sanctify our sex liv and mak jt a ltle b holy.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="5jeyh"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 PaywallInleBarrierWhWrapperGrid-fyrGfS kLQIUk grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__le-barrier 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class="OverlaySummaryItemWrapper-jydJgB eInHsS summary-em-trackg__image-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href="><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset OverlaySummaryItemRponsiveAsset-gAMhYK cOqLsu"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa OverlaySummaryItemRponsiveAsset-gAMhYK cOqLsu rponsive-image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jgsWEn"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Is It Ever OK to Wear Shorts at the Office?" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></div></div></picture></span><div class="OverlaySummaryItemContent-ddGOWz fHZSgO"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX hXmUmf bric bric--wh-bg BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ OverlaySummaryItemRubric-bFqsqT iUEiRd bGlCJj cvqxGA"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Style</span></div><div data-ttid="ClampWrapper" class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ OverlaySummaryItemHed-cljMtD iUEiRd hNEuYK cRpZRn">Is It Ever OK to Wear Shorts at the Office?</div></div></div><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl OverlaySummaryItemByl-bogcUE fjwtNK"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH bfGBQB byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd dlWgVJ gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Yang-Yi Goh</span></span></p></div></div></a></li><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--read-more"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--read-more" data-no-id="ihh1"></div></div><li class="RecircListTextOverlayItem-dLTGJZ DRac"><a class="OverlaySummaryItemWrapper-jydJgB eInHsS summary-em-trackg__image-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href="><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset OverlaySummaryItemRponsiveAsset-gAMhYK cOqLsu"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa OverlaySummaryItemRponsiveAsset-gAMhYK cOqLsu rponsive-image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jgsWEn"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><img alt="In You Are So Not Inved to My Bat Mzvah, All the Popular Middle Schoolers Wear Onle Ceramics" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></div></div></picture></span><div class="OverlaySummaryItemContent-ddGOWz fHZSgO"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX hXmUmf bric bric--wh-bg BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ OverlaySummaryItemRubric-bFqsqT iUEiRd bGlCJj cvqxGA"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Style</span></div><div data-ttid="ClampWrapper" class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ OverlaySummaryItemHed-cljMtD iUEiRd hNEuYK cRpZRn">In <em>You Are So Not Inved to My Bat Mzvah</em>, All the Popular Middle Schoolers Wear Onle Ceramics</div></div></div><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl OverlaySummaryItemByl-bogcUE fjwtNK"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH bfGBQB byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd dlWgVJ gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Eileen Cartter</span></span></p></div></div></a></li><li class="RecircListTextOverlayItem-dLTGJZ DRac"><a class="OverlaySummaryItemWrapper-jydJgB eInHsS summary-em-trackg__image-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href="><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset OverlaySummaryItemRponsiveAsset-gAMhYK cOqLsu"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa OverlaySummaryItemRponsiveAsset-gAMhYK cOqLsu rponsive-image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jgsWEn"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><img alt="How Hijack Helped Usher the New Reign of Mid-TV" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></div></div></picture></span><div class="OverlaySummaryItemContent-ddGOWz fHZSgO"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX hXmUmf bric bric--wh-bg BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ OverlaySummaryItemRubric-bFqsqT iUEiRd bGlCJj cvqxGA"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Culture</span></div><div data-ttid="ClampWrapper" class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ OverlaySummaryItemHed-cljMtD iUEiRd hNEuYK cRpZRn">How <em>Hijack</em> Helped Usher the New Reign of Mid-TV</div></div></div><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl OverlaySummaryItemByl-bogcUE fjwtNK"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH bfGBQB byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd dlWgVJ gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Jake Krg-Schreifels</span></span></p></div></div></a></li></ul></div></asi></div></div><div data-ttid="RowWrapper" class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="TaboolaWrapper-hMVdpE iYfBhy"><div 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