When Gay Men (Mis)Marry Straight Women: Bonnie Kaye's Story | Psychology Today

Contents:

• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• ‘HE BROKE MY HEART TO A BILLN PIEC’: WHEN A STRAIGHT WOMAN FALLS LOVE WH A GAY MAN
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• ‘I FELL LOVE WH A GAY MAN AND NEARLY BROKE ME’
• I WAS SURE I WAS GAY – UNTIL I FELL LOVE WH MY BT FEMALE IEND
• I AM GAY AND I'M LOVE WH A STRAIGHT, WHAT N I DO?
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE
• WHAT'S THE SCIENCE BEHD STRAIGHT WOMEN LIKG GAY MEN?
• "WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED
• GAY MEN HAVG SEX WH WOMEN?

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self.

‘HE BROKE MY HEART TO A BILLN PIEC’: WHEN A STRAIGHT WOMAN FALLS LOVE WH A GAY MAN

The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you. That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man).

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN

I uldn’t say was bee he was gay, ” said the Davidson, om Sydney, says she’s not the first straight woman to fall for a gay bloke.

But both refer to the same thg — straight women who have strong, often highly tense and mutually supportive, relatnships wh gay men. The days, straight woman and gay men who get along would probably jt be lled mat, but “handbags” were often vol and visual supports of the homosexual muny when discrimatn — legal and otherwise — was still rampant.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

“So many women have acted as protectors, cheerlears and supporters of their gay iends, but always the background, ” Ms Davidson says. Her grandmother was a “beard”, or fake girliend, to gay men she was close to; while her mother helped when the muny was beg vastated by AIDS.

“I’d been raised a fay wh lots of gay men so I should have known better than anyone (not to fall love wh one), ” Ms Davidson says.

“The wonrful thg about gay men is they talk to me like I’m a person bee they don’t want to get your knickers. For the most part, relatnships between gay men and straight women are healthy and posive, wh one exceptn I'll get to later.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Sure, an ocsnal teenage girl falls for a boy who's gay, but don't take most girls very long to figure out that, this se, where there's smoke, there's most fely not fire. In general, the attractn women feel for gay men tends to be emotnal nature, clearg the way for a highly satisfyg relatnship that outlasts most other relatnships gay men and straight women have.

To beg, I'll addrs how and why straight women are emotnally attracted to gay men—an attractn, by the way, that is returned by gay men spas. First, bee most straight women don’t feel sexual toward gay men, the relatnship don’t rry the threat of sexual tensn. Send, straight women love gay men bee closens wh gay men provis a wdow to how the mds of men work, somethg that women want to know as they navigate datg waters wh their straight male peers.

‘I FELL LOVE WH A GAY MAN AND NEARLY BROKE ME’

Though there are, of urse, differenc between straight and gay men, gay men are neverthels men who share many characteristics and motivatns wh straight men.

I WAS SURE I WAS GAY – UNTIL I FELL LOVE WH MY BT FEMALE IEND

When to the sexualy of young straight and gay men—meang, how equently they thk about sex, want , or feel impatient to get to the actual sex part—there are undoubtedly siari. When a straight woman hangs out wh a gay man, she begs to put the puzzle together that men, general, treat sex differently than women do.

Fally, straight women love gay men bee they are emotnally attracted to the fearlsns and lack of self-nscns gay men.

In general, gay men, and gay women, too, tend to be more fearls than their straight unterparts—particularly straight men—bee they’ve ually experienced bullyg and prejudice bee of their sexual orientatn.

I AM GAY AND I'M LOVE WH A STRAIGHT, WHAT N I DO?

As out adults, gay men ually learn to accept themselv and stop tryg so hard to w the approval and acceptance of others.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE

Meanwhile, gay men have the social license to be as outrageo or emotnal as they want to be bee gay men don't have to f to such a tightly prcribed role. The group of women I’m referrg to are often lled "f*g hags, " a term that manag to be rogatory toward two groups: women and gay men. Instead, they feel more fortable removg the sexual factor that exists at straight bars and prefer the harmlsns that wh socializg wh gay men gay surroundgs.

This type of relatnship is often unhealthy, wh women choosg gay men as iends for superficial reasons: bee they're more fun and love to shop. Siarly, their gay male iends often treat their female iends as social accsori until the men fd a guy to hook up wh up later the night.

If straight women and gay men foc on fdg iendships where there's te emotnal patibily and rpect, they n velop one of the most rewardg relatnships a person uld have.

WHAT'S THE SCIENCE BEHD STRAIGHT WOMEN LIKG GAY MEN?

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad. Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn.

Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective. Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns. So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay.

He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him. Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay. Then, wh the AIDS epimic, a lot of men who were gay felt as if they uld be straight, was a good time to be straight.

"WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED

And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me.

GAY MEN HAVG SEX WH WOMEN?

I fd tertg that a lot of men this suatn ratnalize their behavr, sayg ’s not cheatg and don’t mean they’re gay.