'Return the key': the parents who reject their gay children | Society | The Guardian

Contents:

• DEPRSN IS KILLG GAY MEN
• 'RETURN THE KEY': THE PARENTS WHO REJECT THEIR GAY CHILDREN
• I'M A GAY MLIM AND I WANT TO DIE
• GAY AND CAN'T FD A PARTNER?
• DEPRSN AND SUICIDALY GAY MEN: IMPLITNS FOR HEALTH CARE PROVIRS
• AM I GAY?
• HOMOSEXUALS AND DEPRSN: HELP FOR GAYS WH DEPRSN
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU'RE GAY AND LONELY

DEPRSN IS KILLG GAY MEN

If you’re lbian, gay, bisexual, transgenr, or queer(LGBTQ) or are explorg your sexual orientatn or genr inty, and you stggle wh anxiety or prsn, let’s start by puttg thgs to ntext. The 2013 fifth edn of the Amerin Psychiatric Associatn's Diagnostic and Statistil Manual (DSM) f prsn clilly as a prsive mood or loss of tert or pleasure nearly all activi over a two-week perd, along wh four of the symptoms: “chang appete or weight, sleep, and psychomotor activy; creased energy; feelgs of worthlsns or guilt; difficulty thkg, ncentratg, or makg cisns; or recurrent thoughts of ath or suicidal iatn or suici plans or attempts.

Health re provirs workg wh gay men should first tablish rapport and tst by displayg empathy and not makg assumptns about an dividual’s behavr and sexual choic based on generalizatns about “all” gay men.

'RETURN THE KEY': THE PARENTS WHO REJECT THEIR GAY CHILDREN

Speakg openly and ankly about the disproportnate impact of prsn on gay men, and prrizg our mental health and well-beg, we n chase that big gray elephant out of the room—and keep om harmg any more of . “Marriage equaly and the chang legal stat were an improvement for some gay men, ” says Christopher Stults, a rearcher at New York Universy who studi the differenc mental health between gay and straight men.

In the Netherlands, where gay marriage has been legal sce 2001, gay men rema three tim more likely to suffer om a mood disorr than straight men, and 10 tim more likely to engage “suicidal self-harm.

When the dispary first me to light the ’50s and ’60s, doctors thought was a symptom of homosexualy self, jt one of many maniftatns of what was, at the time, known as “sexual versn.

I'M A GAY MLIM AND I WANT TO DIE

“We see gay men who have never been sexually or physilly asslted wh siar post-trmatic strs symptoms to people who have been bat suatns or who have been raped, ” says Alex Kroghlian, a psychiatrist at the Fenway Instute’s Center for Populatn Rearch LGBT Health. For s, this is what psychologists thought, too: that the key stag inty formatn for gay men all led up to g out, that once we were fally fortable wh ourselv, we uld beg buildg a life wh a muny of people who’d gone through the same thg.

GAY AND CAN'T FD A PARTNER?

Rearchers say this kd of trag, liberately tryg to appear more mascule and takg on a different sex role, is jt one of the ways gay men prsure each other to atta “sexual pal, ” the equivalent of gog to the gym or pluckg our eyebrows. Usually when you hear about the shockg primacy of hookup apps gay life—Grdr, the most popular, says s average er spends 90 mut per day on —’s some panicked media story about murrers or homophob trawlg them for victims, or about the troublg “chemsex” scen that have spng up London and New York.

DEPRSN AND SUICIDALY GAY MEN: IMPLITNS FOR HEALTH CARE PROVIRS

One of the most strikg studi I found scribed the spike anxiety and prsn among gay men 2004 and 2005, the years when 14 stat passed nstutnal amendments fg marriage as beg between a man and a woman.

AM I GAY?

Now square that wh the fact that our untry recently elected a bright orange Demogon whose admistratn is publicly, eagerly attemptg to reverse every sgle ga the gay muny has ma the last 20 years. Only around 30 percent of school districts the untry have anti-bullyg polici that specifilly mentn LGBTQ kids, and thoands of other districts have polici that prevent teachers om speakg about homosexualy a posive way. His parents meant well—they were jt tryg to enurage him to a field where he would enunter fewer homophob—but he was already anx: If he gave up on fance, was that surrenrg to stigma?

In the last five years, as evince of this ternnectedns has piled up, a few psychologists and epimlogists have started to treat alienatn among gay men as a “synmic”: A clter of health problems, none of which n be fixed on their own. There will always be more straight kids than gay kids, we will always be isolated among them, and we will always, on some level, grow up alone our fai and our schools and our towns.

My fay is very le wh what the church/bible thks about homosexualy and I know that if I would tell them that I’m attracted to the same genr, that they would force me to talk to my pastor about .

HOMOSEXUALS AND DEPRSN: HELP FOR GAYS WH DEPRSN

’”Chris, sadly, isn’t alone his story of parental fa of equalyAt the time I terviewed him, a Brazilian mother who killed her teenage son for beg gay is sentenced to 25 years prison.

Celebry stori of heartbreakg parental rejectn are also November, the Amerin thor and producer Robyn Crawford released a book nfirmg she had had a romantic relatnship wh Whney Hoton – but had to abandon out of fear of the repercsns om Hoton’s by Oprah Wey if would have bothered her if her dghter was gay, Cissy Hoton said “Absolutely. For years I was aaid that my father would send me to Sdi Arabia to be stoned to ath or be thrown off the top of a cliff or a buildg -- well, that's the punishment for beg gay Islam, or so I learned at our mosque.

Mental health unselg and support groups that are sensive to the needs of gay and bisexual men n be pecially eful if you are g to terms wh your sexual orientatn or are experiencg prsn, anxiety, or other mental health problems. While many gay, bisexual, and other men who have sex wh men may not seek re om a mental health provir bee of a fear of discrimatn or homophobia, is important to keep this as an optn and to fd a provir that is tstworthy and patible. As an openly gay man wh over 30 years of experience as a therapist, I have seen sr of sgle gay men sabotage their efforts to fd a partner, placg obstacl their own path—whout havg the slightt ia as to what they are dog and why.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU'RE GAY AND LONELY

Fortunately, I have also learned how to intify and name the self-featg and often hidn hurdl—and have disvered that they are beliefs that too many gay men repeat to themselv, often whout even knowg . Some of have been bullied as children; physilly, verbally, and emotnally abed at tenr ag by our peers and fay members for beg gay before we even regnized and unrstood our same-sex attractns.

Nonmonogamy was a polil statement, and gay rights advot saw marriage as nstrictive, patriarchal, heterocentric, flawed (perhaps due to the 50% failure rate) and therefore not worthy of pursu, pecially light of how gay men of the era were still gettg ejected om their jobs, hom, fai and blackmailed and arrted for who they were. Related to this, gay men’s health has often been fed by sexual practic, and poorly unrstood are the tersectns of gay men’s physil and mental health wh social termants of health cludg ethnicy, lole, tn level, and socenomic stat. In the current article summated is lerature addrsg risk factors for prsn and suicidaly among gay men cludg fay acceptance of their sexual inti, social hn and belongg, ternalized stigma, and victimizatn.